ubercharged.net

Originally, I was going to have something up here about taking a break from Eve online, which I don’t even play anymore. Time makes fools of us all, I suppose. Sorry for the long wait, and I’ll see what I can do about getting the next chapter to you faster.

Hey, kids! Do you want to know what the heck is going on? Click on my name at the top of the post, and read anything that has the words “Armored Fortress” at the front!

RED Safehouse, Area 2, Dustbowl – February 20, 1968, 12:20 P.M.

The RED Soldier stood at attention in front of the Announcer’s desk.

“…Reason for mission failure?”

“Major distraction and Spy capture, Commander.”

“Do you have anything to say in your defense?”

“No, Commander.”

“Very well. You are hereby sentenced to ninety hours of grunt work and a demotion.”

Soldier sighed. That was it, then.

“Both suspended.”

Or not. Bizarro Murphy’s Law had a way, after all.

“I’m sorry, Commander?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’re in the middle of a war. I can’t afford to take out a star player for something as paltry as negligence. You’re going to go out there and you’re going to kill, God willing. Dismissed.”

____________________________________________

Point 2A, Dustbowl – February 20th, 1968, 12:21 P.M.

The point this time was located on the top of a shack-like building, with slot windows allowing easy passage for any bullets, missiles, lasers, or plasma charges the RED team would want to send BLU’s way.

The pause between the attacks was part of a strategic ceasefire plan put in place by the RED team. It focused all the CPU power of the remaining points on keeping BLU’s progress in check. The BLU point mainframe fought it, of course, but to open those doors required more power than any battlefield held.

Of course, to continue the Counter-SPaMR attack, the RED computers had to stop keeping the doors from opening. So it was sort of a toss-up.

The RED Mainframe released the doors, and games begun.

____________________________________________

Area 2 BLU Resupply Room, Dustbowl – February 20th, 1968, 12:22 P.M.

“Hard-Hat, what’s with the extra gear-up? All I need to do is bash some heads in.”

“Listen, shorty, I’ve got orders from the Announcer. You need to stand still.”

“There any particulars to this particular , uh… particular?”

“Just aim away from the face, and you’ll be fine.”

“Well, what do I call this thing?”

“We’ve codenamed it ’Sandman’.”

____________________________________________

Point 2A, Dustbowl – February 20th, 1968, 12:24:30 P.M.

Here came the restart.

Both teams heard the same voice, possessed by two very different women.

“Mission begins in thirty seconds.”

The RED Medic checked his new armcannon, mounted over his wrist and filled to the brim with newly-developed vampiric flechettes. Those BLUs were good for something, after all.  How they got the energy from the flechettes back to him was officially outside his field, and thus, not his problem.

“Mission begins in twenty seconds.”

The BLU Scout checked the mass of tubing on his right arm. Were those 9-volt batteries stuck in at the elbow? All in all, the rig was evocative of their last technological breakthrough, the pretentiously-named Sigma Cannon.

That one did not end well.

“Mission begins in ten seconds.”

The Pyro stood. And waited. And waited some more.

“Five…”

Waited.

“Four…”

Cracked his knuckles.

“Three…”

Waited.

“Two…”

Clutched his flamethrower.

“One!”

Flipped a thumbs-up to the Medic.

The gates opened and the sirens wailed, but nobody on the BLU team really noticed. They were a bit occupied with the invincible, gold-colored fire-spewing RED Pyro, who was enjoying himself just a bit too much.

____________________________________________

“I! AM! ON! FIRE!”

The BLU advance had been thrown into disarray by the  flames. The RED Pyro was by no means invincible anymore, but the medic behind him and the rather troublesome rest of the RED team meant no one could get near them.

Running away, as he often did, the BLU scout noticed the mass of machinery bolted onto his left arm. Figuring it was now or never, he took aim. the cannon’s innards rumbled, the barrel glowed white, and a large ball of electricity soared through the air. While impressive, the shot had the side effect of knocking the BLU Scout flat on his tin-plated rear end, which meant he missed everything that followed.

First, the Medic and Pyro froze. They were still alive, but the suits completely failed to respond. The RED team, if you’ll pardon the pun, sort of lost their fire at this point. The two taking point both downed by a single weapon? A good cause for retreat.

The BLU Demoman, now devoid of any burning sensations whatsoever, waltzed up to the stunned pair.

“All ye fine dandies…” He took a swig of his alcohol. “Prancin’ about. Not so tough now, is ya! IS YA!”

The Medic said nothing. The Pyro said something. No one was quite sure what.

“Well, then. If yer gonna be like that, I’ll just take mah friends an’ go.”

As the BLU team rushed to the point without him, the BLU Demoman took his time planting each individual STICK bomb around the two REDs’ feet. As he swaggered out the door, he gave a drunken salute and yelled, “Cheers, mates!”

The RED Medic and Pyro reappeared in the SPaMR room half a minute later.

____________________________________________

The BLU Scout looked over all he had wrought, and it was good.

The RED team was retreating to the second point. That was good.

The Announcer had congratulated him on a job well done. That too, was good.

A stray RED grenade had landed between his feet, and was about to explode.

That was not good.

____________________________________________

Point 2B, Dustbowl – February 20th, 1968, 12:58 P.M.

The RED Soldier had little time, but he went at it anyway.

“WHAT was that, you scum-sucking maggots!?”

“Soldier, you really must calm down. Your blood pressure-”

“Is FINE, Professor von Tooth Fairy! If I see another run like that, I’ll…!”

The RED Pyro interrupted the Soldier’s righteous indignation with a mumbling tirade of his own. We’re not sure, exactly, but it’s rather certain that it contained every expletive he knew.

“MY mother is dead and buried! Do not TELL me what happened about my mother!”

The Pyro was in the middle of a retort, when the Announcer interrupted their verbal combat.

“Alert! Our perimeter is being breached!”

All arguements momentarily forgotten, the Soldier and Pyro turned with the rest of the team, weapons facing the doorway.

____________________________________________

Ahh, it’s good to be back. Let me know how this one turned out.

It is with considerable trepidation that I publish the following announcement, issued by the Administrator for the attention of all readers of Ubercharged.net.

For the immediate attention of all employees

Underlings,

You will recall when, eight months ago and against my better instinct, I relaxed the dress code for company employees. More specifically, I removed the ban on non-practical headgear (a rule that certain employees never took with the deadly sincerity it was meant). This was an act of incredible generosity on my part, and I am sure I need not strain my typewriting muscles with the unnecessary addendum that such acts are not in my nature. Bearing this in mind, it is with the utmost disappointment that I must inform you that a number of employees are already abusing their privileges. Privileges that I may revoke at any time.

As your Administrator, I remind you that I am always watching, and it has consequently come to my attention that many of you have begun to wear headwear that can only be described as inappropriate. There appears to be a mistaken assumption in the workplace that hats bestow a certain authority to the wearer, and any such garment, regardless of how idiotic it appears to all sane personnel, is inherently dignified. Let me tell you in no uncertain terms that this assumption is categorically false. I therefore remind you that none of you has any dignity or authority whatsoever and the only reverence you should be showing is to be directed at me, your employer. An employer that needs no absurd headwear to convey their absolute disdain and anger at those of you who continue to busy themselves with ridiculous accessories.

My assistant reliably informs me that the “Hallowe’en Event” of last year was “fun” and “team-building”, terms which do not feature in my vocabulary, although I was assured they were constructive. As part of this event, our supplier issued many of you with antique opera hats, which, although utterly tasteless and dreadful in every way, were apparently “festive”. At the behest of my advisers, who have subsequently found themselves sealed in disused mine shafts, I allowed you to wear them. To my considerable bafflement, an alarming number of you continue to wear these ghastly accoutrements three months down the line. Although my own observations have not noticed a lack of productivity as a direct result of this, be advised that I am hereby cutting leisure time allowances, effective immediately, just to make sure.

In addition, reports from company medical and psychiatric staff have informed me that there is a sickening tide of what they risibly term “hatmania” among the workforce. An increasing number of individuals are concerning themselves with their headgear to an unhealthy extent. As you are, without exception, third-rate pond scum, I do not trouble myself with your many trivial obsessions. Until, that is, they preclude the efficient completion of the jobs you are being paid to complete. I hereby insist that you cease this foolish blathering about hats and helmets and get back to work before I am forced to “motivate” you. I have received reports of employees (now detained for their own protection) crudely fixing makeshift structures of scrap metal to their foreheads and earnestly telling their bemused comrades that it is a fedora. You will not be so fortunate.

Internal Communications have received countless complaints from some of you that my uncharacteristic charity in repealing the ban, and making the headgear catalogue of our esteemed partners at Mann Co. available to you was somehow not enough. “No,” they bawl like disgusting infants. “You have not given me a hat of my own!”

I consider it my duty as Administrator to respond to such grievances personally, and rest assured all those who complained have been transported to the nearest gravel pit and their heads furnished with small metal accessories by my personal security detail.

As for the rest of you, I end this note by reminding you that you are bloodthirsty mercenaries who are only saved from a life of asylums, prison camps and early death by your employers, who expect you to perform your jobs with complete dedication, and have absolutely no requirements to maintain your basic human rights.

Now, get out of my sight

- The Administrator

PS- All employees are reminded that Mann Co Camera Beard technology is to be used only for work-related espionage and not for the impersonation of historical figures. Henceforth anyone in breach of this will be subject to strict disciplinary action.

You have been warned.

Thanks to Tygrys for another brilliant image of horrible, yet entirely deserved, slaughter.

While many TF2 fansites have been steadily declining (or dying, like Control Point ), others have been on the uptick. Foremost among the latter is Community Fortress.

Community Fortress focuses more on the competitive scene of TF2, but fortunately, with far less xenophobia than GotFrag. Indeed, if you’re looking to get into the TF2 competitive scene, this might just be the place to start; they have a mentor-mentee system to help ease players in. They also host some pick-up games, and right now, they’re hosting a 4v4 KOTH tournament (a format which hasn’t caught on too much in the American competitive scene, but might soon enough).

Also, they’re building a wiki focused entirely on the competitive aspect of TF2, which is worth a read for its thoroughness. It’s far more specific than TF2wiki and way more in-depth than UC’s competitive TF2 guide.

When I first started playing Team Fortress 2 back in the day, it was when the Pyro update was released, since then I always had a grudge against the Pyro, especially those who wield the Backburner. The Backburner has always gotten the short end of the stick when it came to being an unlockable weapon. Those who use it are proclaimed to be “noobs,” and it is often deemed the reason why Pyros are referred to as being “W + M1”. I never had much interest in using the Backburner due to these reasons, as well as its lack of airblast.

It wasn’t until a little while ago I decided to try an experiment in which I would play as a Backburner Pyro for 2 hours. After playing I gained new respect for Backburner, so much so that I actually use the Backburner more then the regular flamethrower. I then decided to take the next step and try to write a guide to give players new insight into the Backburner Pyro play style and maybe change a few peoples opinions on the weapon. So let’s get this guide started.

“Thh Bhcgburnhr” – The Backburner

The Backburner is the Pyros first unlockable weapon which quite obviously replaces his flamethrower; it was created to make Pyros better at ambushing. When the Pyro update was released all the way back on the 19th of July, 2008, it was completely different compared to its present day counter-part. I’m sure that everyone recalls when the Backburner had the +50 health boost, where anyone using the Backburner would rush into battle head on and obliterate the opposition, thus creating the dreaded stereotype that has stuck with this weapon to this day… “W + M1”. The Backburner, however, has retained its ability to get 100% critical hits when attacking an enemy from the back. The only problem with the Backburner is that the area in which the Backburner will get crits is much smaller than the area a Spy would need to backstab someone.

“Trrlth rf thh trhdh” – Tools of the Trade

When playing a Backburner Pyro, having the right weapons for the job separates success and failure. Remember, your goal as a Backburner Pyro is to ambush foes from their blind spots and get in close to deal massive damage quickly. This section will only focus on your secondary and melee weapons.

The Shotgun

The standard sidearm for three classes as well as the primary weapon for our pal the Engineer, the shotgun is a powerful close range weapon, able to pump out 80-90 damage at point blank range; along with firing almost two shots a second, it can deal almost 160-180 damage per second. The shotgun is best used at close range; the same with the Backburner. Using both together would allow you to deal massive damage very quickly if you utilize the critical hits the Backburner gets. If you fail at killing the enemy quickly, switching to the shotgun allows you to deal a killing blow. The main drawback to the shotgun is that it is not very effective at long ranges, though this drawback isn’t new to the Pyro, since close range is this class’ bread and butter (or should I say toast and butter?) You can also utilize the shotgun to take pot-shots at fleeing enemies, to make sure that they don’t get away. The shotgun also gives you the ability to keep Soldiers and Demoman at bay due to the lack if an airblast; your bullets also allow you to destroy enemy sticky bomb traps.

The Flare Gun

The flare gun is the unlock able secondary weapon for the Pyro; it gives the Pyro more of a ranged game in terms of combat, allowing him to shoot flares over long distances to set his enemies ablaze. This gives the Pyro some ranged game but makes him more vulnerable when faced up close when short on ammo. The flare does about 27-33 damage upon a hitting it’s target; however since the flare sets the victim alight, the burn damage adds a total of 60 extra damage into the mix, making a total of about 87- 93 damage for a full burn. The drawbacks of this weapon are that it is only one shot per clip, two second reload time and that the damage it deals is not “sudden.” However, the flare gun is good for finishing off fleeing enemies, if they are on fire, you can score a mini-crit with a flare, if they arn’t on fire, they will be now. Being a Backburner Pyro means getting in close and taking out targets quickly, the flare gun would not be that great of an asset because of the fact that it puts out little damage initially; you can kill an enemy with a flare, but it gives him more time to retaliate and can lead you to your death.

The Fire Axe

What’s better than lighting someone on fire? How about lighting them on fire and then hitting them with a fire axe! The fire axe is as powerful as every other melee weapon (excluding the Scouts bats and the Butterfly knife) which is about 59-72 damage per hit. There isn’t anything special about the fire axe; it’s just a normal weapon.

The Axtinguisher

How can you improve a fire axe? Why not switch it out for a battle axe and wrap it in barbed wire? The Axtinguisher, the Pyros unlockable melee weapon, is a deadly weapon when used against an opponent who is on fire. While the axtinguisher is a weak weapon by default (23-43 damage per strike), its special ability is that, when used to strike a flaming enemy, it will score a critical hit which does a total of 195 damage. The axtinguisher is a great weapon, but is also a bit problematic at times, in order for it to be the most effective; the victim needs to be on fire, so you have to give yourself away by lighting the enemy on fire then trying to switch to your axe to finish them off. It would probably be easier to use the critical hits of the backburner since that should be your goal as a BB Pyro. The axtinguisher would be a wise choice in the event you attack from an angle in which you are not getting critical hits up close, then it would be wise to go in for the kill. However, the Axtinguisher is also more difficult to use due to the lack of the airblast, you won’t be able to push your enemies into a position where you can land the killing blow.

The Hadouken

The Pyro is also a master of a deadly technique from the realm of Street Fighter. By focusing, Pyros can release red hot flames from their palms themselves. This technique is so powerful, that getting caught in its blast will lead the victim to a instant fiery death. Tremble in fear at the Pyros greatest weapon… The Hadouken!

Ok, ok, the hadouken isn’t really a weapon; it is however the Pyros secondary weapon taunt that can deliver a killing blow. With both limited range and usability, it works out better as homage then a full blown tactic. Now, I can’t say I’m adept when it comes to killing enemies with this taunt, however, Don Newman is. I had a discussion with General Balls about Newman and his Pyro skills, he said the following.

*General Balls: You do realise that taunt-kills infuse you with the excess power of the soul that you murdered.
*General Balls: It’s true.
*General Balls: That’s why he’s such a good Pyro.
*General Balls: Because of taunt-killing.

That would certainly explain why Newman is such a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield. After that discussion, I asked Don if he could write some tips and tricks about hadouken for this article: he accepted and here’s what he had to say.

“There are two ways to score successful taunt kills with the pyro. The first is a matter of catching your opponent off-guard. If they are unaware, you can either taunt them while they are stationary (as is the case with snipers), or you can taunt them around tight corners where they do not suspect you and may pass through your line of fire. This approach is most effective when the location of your taunt is somewhere mundane, not near an objective or other major push point in a map. However, taunting repeatedly in the same location is an easy way to make an enemy aware of presence. It is best to infrequently use an ideal position so that they do not anticipate your presence and their impending humiliation.

The other way to score a taunt kill is to take advantage of a player when they cannot move out of the way of your taunt. This often occurs when they themselves are attempting to score a taunt kill and, being the alert and aware player that you are, you avoid their frivolous attempt. Instead, you can turn this situation on its head by taunt-killing them before they escape from their own failed taunt. The same applies to heavies eating sandviches or when the map ends and you have a few seconds to reflect on the scoreboard. If you are close enough to an enemy when the map ends, taunt away! It will be the most embarrassing death they have ever suffered, particularly if they won the map. Taunt killing an enemy in your own spawn can be the silver lining on the cloud of utter shame and defeat you will have already experienced by losing.

Remember; don’t abuse the hadouken in game to try and get kills, it isn’t effective and will most likely cost you your life, so stick with your weapons which were meant for killing.”

The best combination of weapons to use while wielding the Backburner would be the shotgun and the fire axe. The shotgun is more powerful at the close ranges needed while playing the Backburner Pyro; the fire axe gives better power if you are caught up close unexpectedly because you won’t be able to get your enemies where you want them to finish them off with the Axtinguisher. You can still choose to use both the flare and axtinguisher, it all depends on what you feel works better for you.

“Hmbuthhng nn Flhngng”- Ambushing and Flanking

The Backburner was designed to get players to use the Pyro for ambushing; which is what the Pyro is meant to do. Ambushing is crucial tactic for Pyros, especially those that are wielding the Backburner; as that is where it is the most effective. Here are a few tips when it comes to ambushing and flanking.

- Attack from unexpected areas, if the enemy doesn’t see you coming, you are able to deal more damage before they can retaliate. Don’t charge straight into battle, it’s not effective and it makes you look stupid; can you say W + M1?

- Try to outsmart your enemies. If you are spotted by enemies and you can’t win in a face to face confrontation, retreat. Get out of your enemies field of view and try to think of what he / she is expecting you to do. If you act as if you are going one way, they will most likely try to cut you off. Use this to your advantage; take a different route and ambush them with the Backburner.

- When hiding around a corner, make sure you are fully concealed. Remember that your flamethrower extends out in front of you; this can tip enemies off that you are around the corner. Either switch to a smaller weapon that is easier to conceal such as the axe while waiting for enemies to run by, or hide farther back so your flamethrower is fully hidden as well.

- Mix up your routes and hiding places, this works will with the first tip. If you take the same route multiple times or continually use the same hiding places the enemy will most likely catch on and will be prepared for the encounter. Try to find several routes or hiding places and mix them up to be less predicable.

By utilizing these tactics you can be able to catch groups of enemies off guard and take them out quickly and effectively with minimal resistance.

Thrlduhhrth nn Dhmrmhn – Soldiers and Demomen

Soldiers and Demomen are a lot harder to fight without an airblast to reflect their projectiles. Try not to get caught up in a battle against either of these classes at range, you will be severally outmatched. Try to catch them off guard and get in close so you increase the chances of winning the battle without sustaining too much damage. If you are caught in a battle against either of these classes at range, don’t try to win as you are severally overpowered when it comes to ranged weaponry. Try to get them to an area where they will be more susceptible to your flamethrower and shotgun; it would also be good to take pot shots at the enemy with your ranged weapon while retreating so you can damage them before they get in to close. Don’t forget that you can destroy those pesky sticky bombs by shooting them with your shotgun; take out the trap and catch the Demoman off guard.

In the most recent class update for TF2 we saw the Soldier and Demoman going head on in a War. While the Soldier came out triumphant, his new unlocks don’t make him that much of a different threat to the Pyro, seeing as his only new weapon that is a threat to you is the Direct Hit. You won’t have much of a chance at range against a DH Soldier, try to take pot shots at him with your shotgun or flare gun and run away.

The Demoman however has a completely new bag of tricks at his disposal, the biggest being his new close combat gear, the combination of the Chargin’ Targe and the Eyelander. With this combination, Demomen are now more resilient to all your flame based weaponry, taking only 50% of the damage. His new toys also allow him to chase you down by giving him a charge attack, as well as a speed boost by killing enemies with his sword. If you are in a fight with a Demoman who is wielding these weapons, make sure to keep your distance. Try to set him on fire and take him out with your shotgun or a swift melee attack (best recommended if you use the axtinguisher). Remember, is shield protects against fire, not bullets or melee.

“Uhn crncluthuhrn” – In conclusion

I hope you found this article insightful and that maybe you gained some new respect when it comes to wielding the Backburner. Don’t instantly regard those using this weapon as a “noob”, because who knows, you might end up feeling the tingle of critical flames running up your spine when you least suspect it.

Special thanks to Don Newman for his contribution and help, and to Tygrys for creating some of the pictures in this article.

There comes a time everyday in our life when we meet up with an angry, drunk, black scotsman who has a giant sword and a shield and can charge really fast at us. Due to our lack of knowledge in such circumstances, our heads are usually chopped off and our bloody corpses get laughed at. In TF2, we call these Targelander Demomen. Much players in TF2 don’t know how to handle a Targelander Demo and end up thinking, “Jesus Tapdancing Christ how do I kill this guy?!” As you probably know, Demomen wielding the Chargin’ Targe are given a 50% resistance to fire and a 65% 50% resistance to explosions. I’ll tell you what he can’t resist though. Bullets. Here’s what you should be doing…

Scout
Speed and agility are your two main allies when you’re put up against a Targelander combo. You run way faster than that crazy Demoman AND you can double jump. Unless he’s collected a considerable number of heads, he shouldn’t be able to catch up with you. Basically as a Scout, you must keep your distance from the Demoman. If you don’t, he can suddenly charge at you when you least expect it and you’ll end up being his next haggis dinner. If you’re far away from him, he can try charging you, but you’ll be too far away from him to get hit. Even if he’s close enough to you, your speed should help you sidestep him. When you get far enough from the Demo, you can begin picking him off with your trusty pistol. If he hasn’t died or retreated after a while, you can quickly dash up to him and finish him off with your scattergun. Remember, dodge, jump, hit, and run. That’s what the Scout taught himself to do.

Soldier
You’re the Demoman’s worst enemy and you want to kill him very badly. Unfortunately, your rocket launcher won’t have much effect on the Demomen due to their blast resistance with the targe equipped. Even a critical rocket won’t kill a shielded Demoman with full health. Good thing you got that trusty shotgun. With it, you can begin a steady retreat backwards while blasting shots into the sword-swinging Demo. The shotgun is very effective, causing 80-90 damage at point plank range, and 10-30 damage at medium range. So when the Demoman decides to charge at you, fire some shots into him, sidestep, turn around and continue firing. He should be dead. There’s also a small use for the rocket launcher. You can try to fire a couple of rockets at the Demo’s feet and bounce him around a bit. This should help you keep your distance.

Pyro
None of us really know how a tiny little shield that’s barely large enough to block a cat can give you resistance to fire, but it does somehow. But don’t toss your flamethrower to the side yet. That airblast will come in very handy for when the angry scot gets close or charges. First things first, get rid of the flaregun if you’re using it and equip the shotgun. When the Demo gets close enough or charges you, make him eat lead and sidestep. You may then puff him away with an airblast and continue shooting his face. Another option is setting him on fire after you airblast him and running in for a quick Axtinguisher hit or two, or you can continue shooting. After this, the Demo will start to wish he hadn’t bothered you.

Heavy
“What sick man send swordsmen to fight me?” If you’re using the big guy, Demos shouldn’t even think of charging at you. After all, you have a giant minigun that can do a whopping 50-300 damage at medium range named Sasha. Who the hell would want to get caught alone with that? Although, if you do run into a suicidal Targelander Demo, make sure he doesn’t run circles around you. He ain’t no Scout, but he can still confuse you and get you off guard. And if you aren’t nomming on sandwiches all day long, you got that beauty of a shotgun on you. Boolets are your friends.

Demomen
As a demolitions man, you’re known for your speciality with bombs and explosives, so you don’t have a shotgun. That doesn’t mean you still can’t take out that sword-swinging menace. It always helps to lay out a sticky bomb trap that you can retreat to if you’re being chased. Pipe bombs can also help a bit as well, but not too much due to blast resistance. If all else fails, you can go mental with your very own sword and shield and have a good old fashioned swordfight. Scotsman vs. Scotsman.

Medic
Killing enemies isn’t a priority of the Medic. It’s his patient’s job to protect the Medic and kill all threats. If however you find yourself alone with a Demoman coming straight at you, the best you can do is backpedal, sidestep and shoot drugs syringes at him. You shouldn’t be worrying too much about the Targelander combos though.

Engineer
Same deal as the Medic. You have a giant sentry gun that can automatically target the enemy and fire rockets and bullets at them, and what moron would charge at such a thing with only a sword and shield? But also like the Medic, you can suddenly find yourself facing a Targelander Demo alone, only you have a shotgun and pistol. Do the usual. Retreat while firing at the enemy and sidestep when you need to.

Spy
Your precious butterfly knife is still effective against Demomen. They may be protected by an old, wooden shield, but their backs are not! Still, Demomen will spycheck you and sometimes they’ll know you’re behind them. If you can’t get a backstab, then retreat and fire your revolver at the enemy. If you’re using the Ambassador, then try aiming for the head. It’ll work wonders against him. If he begins charging at you, then that’s your opportunity for a backstab. Quickly sidestep and turn right around and stab, stab, stab! Now chuckle at his stupidity. With practice, you’ll be dodging Targe Demo’s all the time and leaving them thinking twice about charging a well trained spy.

Sniper
Unless you’re a suicidal huntsman you should be far, far away from enemies at all times. Let your sniper rifle do the work. After all, the Demoman isn’t the only guy who can take heads on the battlefield. If one tries to sneak up on you however, you can always bomb his face with jarate and try luckshotting no-scoping him or you can blow him away with the SMG while retreating. Otherwise, aim for the head and all will be well.

“Bullets, bullets, bullets.” Every time you see a Chargelander Demo, say that in your head and the solution to your dilemma will be clear. Remember to always keep your distance, use bullets, and practice sidestepping. With all the above, I leave you with this quote:

“Those who live by the sword, die by those who don’t.”

Firstly… an apology. I’ve played nowhere near as much as I was planning since I started this project. There’s several factors that have contributed to my inactivity; five days over new year when I wasn’t able to get to my computer, reformatting the computer a week later, and actually having to study for once. I’ve also got exams coming up in two weeks, and then ten days in South Africa, so I’ve decided to extend this project until the end of April, which should give me roughly my three months worth of TF2 time.

As you will see above, resetting my stats has allowed me to use Pyromancer to track exactly how much fire damage I’ve done. Since I doubt I’ll finish it before this project is over, it looks like I’ll be able to continue using this. Here’s a few other stats that might be mildly interesting to one or two of you;

• Most Points: 13
• Most Kills: 9
• KPD: 0.95
• Most Damage: 1601
• Most Dominations: 2
• Longest Life: 06:52

Yeah, I haven’t exactly played much, so don’t expect earth-shatteringly good results just yet. I have learned a few tricks though, and made some observations. I’m beginning this project at a time when the entire TF2 community is learning to deal with new items and strategies. I’ve got to learn to combat the Direct Hit, Buff Banner, Equaliser, Targe, Eyelander… aside from that there’s just a hell of a lot more explosives around, although that has quietened down a bit.

Fortunately, the majority of Targelander demomen forget they have a grenade launcher. The puff/airblast/axtinguish combo will finish them off, but while it’s easy in theory it can be difficult to do, especially if you’re being distracted by/are fighting other enemies.

Equaliser soldiers seem to forget that if they charge me head-on, I can kill them before they reach me, even at their increased speed. Shocking, I know, but it seems that the best way to kill them is, simply, to shotgun/flare them as the approach and then  flame them as they get within range, back-pedalling to keep them away from you a little longer.

The Direct Hit is annoying as hell to airblast, but sometimes easier to dodge than the old rocket launcher, since aiming “somewhere near the target” isn’t so effective any more.

The Buff Banner is a cause for fear, provided the soldier has plenty of backup. That’s a time for running and flare gunning. With the recent changes, it will be slightly different to deal with; more common, but less potent. Of course, the good side to it is that a pyro, especially with the backburner, can sneak around the charge and eliminate the soldier, since half the time they seem to think the banner makes them invincible.

I’ve come to appreciate the “noise-on-damage” a hell of a lot. I don’t find it too annoying or loud; in fact, I wish it played when you were dead rather than going away until you spawn again. It’s nice to know exactly how long you’ve got one or more people on fire, and it’s a real boon when you fire a flare randomly or are popping in and out of cover. I also really like the minicrit on burning enemies from the flare gun, it allows me to be more effective when supporting my team from medium to long distance (when I’m running towards the fight), especially if there’s other pyros already there.

I’ve had more than one person get annoyed at me for not changing class… including myself. I find myself going “Oh, we don’t have any engies, I’ll just… Oh, wait, no I won’t” at least once a day, which just goes to show that restricting yourself to one class is NEVER  a good idea, kids!

Unless it’s in the name of science, of course.

Expect another update in a couple of weeks. Of course, straight after that I’ll be heading on exam leave, which means serious studying (when my parents are in the house) and almost no TF2 time (until they go out, and then it’s ALL TF2 time).

No, I’m not dead. I’ve just been out of interwebs range for a few weeks, and have been lazy for a few months prior to that.

Wes Wilson of Dead Workers Party fame of Control Point fame forwarded through a sad little note about the CP podcast being no more. I’ve been a fan of theirs since the start, and have listened to pretty much everything – well, except for a couple of trainwreck episodes I skipped through… but the rest is gold

Here’s the blurb

The Dead Workers Party releases their final episode of the Control Point podcast in anticipation of their new project, Nation of Gamers.

The Dead Workers Party has been releasing weekly episodes of Control Point for over two years. The surprisingly successful Team Fortress 2 podcast has been receiving over 12,000 downloads per episode and was known for its irreverent humor, well produced radio dramas and parodies. With over 125 hours of content on a first person shooter, the episodes had largely become a showcase of community creativity and listener-generated content. Control Point was even linked via the official Valve Team Fortress blog to celebrate their efforts in helping to build the community around their game.

Despite a continually growing audience, Episode 100 marks the end of the podcast run. Comprised of an extensive hour and a half radio drama about trying to save Valve Software from a malevolent takeover, the story of “Legends” ties up two years worth of community in-jokes and paves the way for the hosts to move on to another project. Three months in the making, the production serves as a “grand finale” for the show, featuring an original script, original songs, and a parody of Lonely Island’s “I’m on a Boat”.

The Dead Workers Party is recording the first episode of their new gaming podcast, Nation of Gamers, on Sunday January 10th. The new show will bring the energy and humor of Control Point to a wider audience, focusing their discussions on more precise elements of gaming life, and building their existing community with gamers from all genres. This date also marks the first session in their new recording studio, and can be watched live on UStream. The episode will be released on both the Control Point and Nation of Gamers podcast feed on Wendesday, January 13th. Valve products are predicted to still have a strong presence in the new show.

The Dead Workers Party is a film production company from Huntsville, Alabama. Their studio features a 45′ green screen and a RED ONE HD digital camera. They began podcasting in 2005 and host a network of podcasts from a variety of hosts. Other shows on their network include World of WoW, Multiplaying, Random Chatter, Lost Chatter, and Tech Chatter, as well as many discontinued ventures, such as The Daily Gamer, WARP, and The Safe House.

###

Links of Interest:

Control Point
Dead Workers Party Network
Episode 100
Control Point mention on the Team Fortress Blog
Dead Workers Party live UStream feed
Dead Workers Party on Youtube

Farewell CP, you’ve been a huge part of the TF2 world

Looking forward to the new projects though, and glad to see the guys are keeping on chugging with newer, shinier toys.

I might be completely wrong, but I’m guessing you’re a moderately intelligent person, right? You know not to stab yourself with a knife, you know you should never eat yellow snow, and so on. It’s all basic stuff that you learn as a kid and never give a second thought to. But what about the stuff you really should know, but don’t? Like the fact you shouldn’t kill me in any video game ever, because I keep a list of people who do, so that so I can hunt them down and kill them in real life later? You may not think it, but there’s a TON of stuff like that, and a lot of examples of this can be found when you quite simply sit down at your computer and try to frag some n00bs on TF2. Yet never fear! I’m here to guide you down the path to enlightenment, and make you even better than you are now at staying alive and looking awesome in the process.

So let’s begin, shall we? Just one final word of warning; if you act smug and say you know all these already in the comments, you’re going to the top of my kill list.

Airblasting can put out fires!

Indeed, in a massive contradiction to the motto of the Pyro (“Hudda hudda Hu!”, which roughly translates to “BURN EVERYTHING”), it turns out the fire bringer can also be the one who takes fire away. It also turns out to be quite a vital tactic at times as well, especially when a bunch of allies have been caught off guard, and the only health kit has been taken by the one person who didn’t actually need it. In all seriousness, though, a quick airblast can be all it takes to keep an offensive push alive, save the only medic on the team, and much more besides, and it’s that sort of stuff that wins matches.

In that sense, it’s amazing more people don’t know about it… But as I’ve already noted, the general health and well-being of all those around you generally doesn’t turn out to be a big concern when you’ve got a big canister of propane on your back. It can also be slightly justified in the way the feature was just thrown out in an update without much fanfare or discussion, which is odd when it’s something that has the capability to change the whole dynamic of the game. Still, turns out this wasn’t the first time Valve would pull off this trick, as demonstrated by the next example of general ignorance…

Heavies can toss out sandviches for healing goodness!

Yes, another thing an update added with only a line or so to confirm its existence, but equally as useful for many of the same reasons as airblast healing is. In fact, couple this strategy with a Medic/Heavy combo, and you have a fairly easy way of saving the Medic and causing complete and utter chaos to the opposing team at the same time. And, whilst Sandviches do disappear over time, the concept of just tossing one in a safe area as a temporary health kit for someone to grab also seems fairly plausible. The possibilities are almost endless, but hardly any of them will get used because hardly anyone knows you can DO this. Which, to me, is a damn shame.

Press “L” to drop the intelligence!

As you’d expect, heavies are great for clearing rooms that contain the intelligence. They’ll make sentries and defences fall in the blink of an eye, and open the gate towards epic intelligence capturing… That it, of course, if they don’t grab it themselves and lumber out the door extremely slowly whilst bloodthirsty enemies easily catch up. I think there are two reasons for this – The first is that it’s yet another feature of the game that’s not made truly clear. It doesn’t appear anywhere in the game as a hint (Although I may be wrong in this regard), and it seems the only way to actually come across this feature is by chance, or by someone screaming it at you during a tirade of obscenities.

The second reason perhaps has a bit of a darker side to it, due to the fact this reason is that people are generally selfish jerks who want all the glory for themselves. Let’s face it, given the slightest chance we can win the game single-handedly invokes an urge to push forwards that’s hard to resist, even if you’re the biggest team player in the world. So people will cling to the intelligence until they die, for the mere purpose they may get a glorious yet completely pointless few points out of doing it. Perhaps that’s another thing you should know but perhaps don’t – Selfishness such as this generally doesn’t pay off. In fact, it just makes you look like an idiot. Which is bad!

More engineers equal quicker builds!

Now, steady on, by that I don’t mean you should all roll Engineer and turtle in the Intel room. What I actually mean is this – See that lone engineer struggling to get all his gear to a top-notch level during set-up time? Switching to Engineer yourself will help him, be incredibly beneficial, and cause no loss to yourself due to the fact you can just pop back into the spawn room when you’re done and switch classes once again. Likewise, if you spawn in the middle of a fight and see a level one teleporter desperately struggling to teleport the mass of people flocked around it, you can switch classes, get it to a position where the queues are non-existent, and then switch back. The fact this is not only helpful but can gain the admirations of your team means its surprising no-one actually does this, but there you go. Now you know to do it, and knowing is half the battle!

Anyway, this list could go on forever, but I doubt any of you want to read a 6,000 word monologue whilst rolling your eyes and calling me a n00b for stating what you think is the obvious. Still, nothing to stop you posting more useful hints that people do not generally know in the comments below! There’s also nothing stopping you from jamming a fork in your toaster, but I will advise you that one of these ideas is significantly better than the other…

With the crafting system in place, people are doing all they can to science themselves a hat. History is being written, and a handy way to figure out how to go from here is to look back at our ancestors. That’s right! Despite the infinite resources and the fact that you don’t actually need hats to survive (most people don’t anyway), the secret of success lies in the economy, and how others have gone about it in the past.

Let’s take a look at the different approaches, shall we?

The Mercantile Approach

Presuming that there will be a trading system, the economic commonwealth will be filled with loud-mouthed complainers, sleazy traders who trick their way to other people’s items with blueprints that don’t exist, and soulless ecology-destroyers who idle all night long. You, however, are an honest participant. Your enjoyment of this new system is secured so long as there is variation in your backpack. You are no collector, you only need a starting capital and from there, you will eventually have had every hat on your head, regardless of whether you still have them. To you, every hat is of equal worth, and you see opportunity in how this idea differentiates you from others, who tends to favour huge flashy headwear like the Tyrant’s Helm over subtle pieces. You see no loss in letting your Stovepipe go in return for a Soldier’s Stash, as big obnoxious hats lose their novelty after a while, and there is always some sort of war nut who will gladly trade you his Brigade Helmet for it. If there is a hat you want particularly, you will trade yourself a path to it.

The Socialist Approach

When the international soup turns sour, nations often revert back to this system. You crave no ushankas or professionally handmade panamas with over ten thousand weaves per square inch, you just want a hat above your head, and you turn to Robin Walker for this. Unlike the drop system, collecting twenty pieces of candy will give you a paper bag to call your own, shabby though it may be in comparison to those prosperous ‘fros and dazzling cowboy hats. After all, you just want something to put in that hat slot of yours, to utilise this new odd addition to the game, even if you’re not an outstanding member of society who just so happened to be good at making propaganda posters. You hope Valve will instate a New Deal and increase the hat drop rate once again, so that every humble player can feel the thrill of wearing a Rubber Glove on his crown.

The Militaristic Approach

The French philosopher Voltaire once wrote that “Where most states have an army, the Prussian army has a state.” If there will be a mechanic where dominating a player will net you his hat, then I see massive undercover teamstackers who pull a cooperative effort to dominate as many hat-wearers as possible. This includes letting one person mooch off assists and kills on one particular enemy, or ensuring a medic’s assist for as many kills against the enemy team as possible, or even rolling one heavy with six medics. The spoils will then be inventoried and distributed amongst the valiant warriors; their medic gets Joe’s Pickelhaube, the airshotting menace will wear Soldier-Bob’s bloodied Stainless Pot and the seemingly aimbotting Supersniper gets nothing, as everyone who gets a Trophy Belt is unable to appreciate it and will have traded it for some more craven hat.

Ironically, if a dominated player loses their hat (which I don’t see happening), then the Spies are going to rage so hard. They will let it slide for now, but once they meet you again in battle, they will spare no effort in making you pay for your dickery.

The Liberalist Approach

Ah yes, this is how it all went down during the Industrial Revolution in Western Europe. The rich bourgeois had political power and the Poor and Irish (or Belgian, or British) lived under a roof the size of your living room along with their livestock in a street with two hundred of these abodes in a row and no sewage. The wealthy hat-wearing industrialists cheated the analphabetic population and made them work sixteen hours a day… But that was all about food and hygiene! Why should we feel guilty to laugh at those raging over cosmetic items they don’t deserve. It is your opinion that achievement-related hats were an absolute mistake. Yes, a hat that anyone can get destroys all meaning it could’ve had. There’s a reason why the Poor and Irish are Poor and Irish; they can’t be bothered to indulge in repetitive, ungainly labour – or in this case, non-labour; that’s right, no hat-craving pauper has the right to complain if they don’t want to sacrifice something in return, that is to say, the extra large electric bill and a good night’s sleep if they have their computer in their bedroom. So you see, a hat on your head proves that you are a gentleman of fortune, that you care for your country (or online multiplayer game), regardless of ugly worthless halos that you never received. Nevertheless, there are some smelly fortunates who’ve won the lottery and received a hat during their first week of playing pyro, but they be damned. Anomalies happen in capitalism.

Oh, what’s that you say? Twenty energy drinks, but no Bonk Helmet? Well, if you hand them all over to me, I’ll use my own resources to craft three of those helmets you desire so much, and even give one back to you! In fact, if you idle and keep giving all your items to me, you’ll even get a hat from me every once in a while!

The Collectivist Approach

Not to be confused with the Communist Approach, which involves invading Valve HQ and giving everyone every hat, or the Marxist approach, where people go on a hat-strike until all bugs are fixed. A collectivist movement will spring up from the initiative of one man; you, for example. Since hats are so rare, shouldn’t we be enjoying them with our community rather than taunting one another? Obviously lacking physical means of enforcement, you erect a system entirely dependant on good faith; you do not wish to gamble the populace’s hard-earned duplicates away by crafting scrap metal. Rather, you put your money on the random drop system. You recruit a large group of havenots and, preferably, havers and wantmores, and you make them pledge that they will give you all of their hats and continue doing so if they find more. You will then distribute these hats among yourself and those you recruited, and everyone will get a hat they like. Players who turn in lots of hats, be it through stachanov-like idling or Rockefeller-like luck, will even receive a Service Medal they can keep. This system is made to attract idling grandmasters such as Youme who underappreciate every hat they get, and the humble no-hat who is content with little.

Of course, no one ever intends to attract the whining hatless trash but it happens anyway, so there is no guarantee that some unscrupulous person won’t run off with the hat you gave him and will never return it. Furthermore, it is highly unlikely that enough rich men will show up to fund hats for everyone who enlisted, which means you will either have to keep the hats until you have enough, which will lead to suspicion and strikes, or play favourites and give hats to some while the rest still feels cheated. You could also attract have-lots-of-hats by giving them one-of-a-kind items or exclusive rights on your server, thereby fortifying the class struggle you had hoped to combat. No, this system was doomed IRL and it certainly is here.

The Protectionist Approach

You’ve probably noticed how this list went from moderate to extreme. This last entry, though, is not particularly special – in fact, it’s an often recurring element of mercantilism – but it is by far the most successful in its genius simplicity.

Protectionism is the trickery used by the French to make the whole continent unknowingly work their butts off to support their economy. Import of resources is greatly encouraged with state-funded prices but import of products is burdened with heavy tolls. Likewise, export of resources is abolished and exporting handcrafted products is the way to go. You, as a protectionist, take advantage of the populace’s short-sightedness. Many have said that trading will only be good between items and between hats, but crafting changes all that. You craft the first crappy hat you can make with the duplicates lying around in your inventory, and then you auction it to the hatless who will gladly give you every dupe they have for that one hat. You proceed to craft more hats, as that guy’s duplicates tie in nicely with the ones you had left, and you continue to sell that Brigade Helmet for fifteen backburners and sandviches which, combined with the twenty Jarates you got for your Yellow Belt, allow you to make at least five Haggis Hats. The Poor and Irish will come to you because you are that generous person who gives hats away in return for silly duplicates. They will check tf2items and wonder where you get all your hats, and then cease thinking about it when they see that Baker Boy they’ve always wanted! They will even give you their seven Eyelanders, which are still rare so close after the update.

Whether or not you wish to take my advice to heart and become a headwear tycoon, I hope I’ve at least forewarned you as to the tricks of others.

Props to Laerin for three of these pictures

Well, we haven’t had one of these in a long time, have we? Since most of you who commented seem to have thought that my last article was serious and 100% true, I have to resort to some good old “copy style and paste” humour.  To the tune of “Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked” by Cage The Elephant…

I was walking to the point,
When out the corner of my eye,
I saw a fickle little thing approaching me.
He said “I’ve never seen a man,
So in need of a Medic,
Could you use a little company?”

Then scurrying like some mice,
The Scout called for the Medic thrice,
So the Medic healed him and sent him on his way.
I said “You’re such a nice honest guy,
Why you do this to yourself?”
He looked at me and this is what he said:

“Oh, there ain’t no rest for the Medic,
Ubers don’t grow on trees.
I got Heavies to save,
I got Soldiers to heal,
There ain’t any medkits left in this world for me.
And no I can’t slow down,
I can’t change class,
Though you know, I wish I could.
No there ain’t no rest for the Medic,
Until we disconnect for good”.

Not even fifteen minutes later,
I’m still walking to the point,
When I heard a beep of a gun hidden out of sight.
And then someone sweeps up from behind,
And puts a shotgun up to my head,
He made it clear he wasn’t looking for a fight.

He said “Get away from my buildings,
I want your promise not your life,
But if you try to attack them I won’t think twice.”
I told him “You can have my word,
But first you know I got to ask,
What made you want to live this kind of life?”

He said “There ain’t no rest for the Engie,
Sentries don’t grow on trees.
I got dispensers to make,
I got teles to build,
There ain’t any ammo kits left in this world for me.
And no I can’t slow down,
I can’t change class,
Though you know, I wish I could.
Oh no, there ain’t no rest for the Engie,
Until we disconnect for good”.

Now a couple rounds have passed,
And I was sitting at my spawn,
The game was winding down and coming to an end.
So I turned on the scoreboard,
And scanned over the points,
And what I saw I almost couldn’t comprehend.

I saw a sniping man just been banned he’d use hax for the last round,
He stuffed his point amount with unrighteous guaranteed kills.
But even still I can’t say much,
Because I know we’re all the same,
Oh yes we all seek out to get many kills.

You know there ain’t no rest for the Fortress,
Teamwork don’t grow on trees.
We got intel to cap,
We got carts to push,
There ain’t any weapons left in this world for free.
And no, we can’t slow down,
We can’t change class,
Though you know, we wish we could.
No there ain’t no rest for the Fortress,
Until we disconnect for good…