It was a bright, sunny afternoon on the Isle of Mann. Birds were birding, the pants were dead and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky. Two Gentle Menne peered out from their carriage, en route to Gregorius Von Mann’s Magnificent Mansion to congratulate him on his promotion to Baronneship.

“My my, this gentle manne has spared naught a coin from his copious coinpurse”, remarked the behatted man as the pair entered the grand hall.

And his companione spoke “Most certainly. See here this incremental woode-based contraptionne which mysteriously subverts the necessity of rockette jumping.”

And then appeared Gregorius Von Mann, brandishing a moustache so fine it bore the gentle manne’s spiritte maney times over.

“Greetings kind menne, and welcome to mine Magnificent Mansion!” spoke the Baronne in volatile rigour. “Make it beknownst to me what you wishe, and I shall arrange it.”

“Maney thanks for your welcoming and gentlemanlike locution”, spoke the first Gentle Manne. “Shall we indulge in pleasant bavarding over tea, prithee?”

“It is of no hindrance to me”, responded thos baronne, “that I call upon mine Servante to carry out your wish.”

Then appeared a small, unimposing servante clad in green, who dared not even look upon the majesty of the Gentle Menne.

“G’day sirs”, he spoke, bowing. “I’m an imported worker from Dublin. Me father’s name is Patrick O’Donnel.”

The Gentle Manne of Leisure pruned at this ungentlemanlike locution. “And what might your name be?”

The servante whimpered. “Donald O’Donnel. You see, I was an accident.” The Gentle Menne nodded in understanding disapproval.

“Well then, let our names be knowne to you”, then reciprocated the first Gentle Manne. “I am Lord Lionel of Newcastle, a veritable Gentle Manne of Leisure!”

“And I am his companione of slightly lesser statusse, Sir Sinclair of Leicestershire.”

Impressed by these menne and their lofty titles, the Servante lifted his cranium to counte the quantity of hattes present on each Gentle Manne’s head. Aghaste was he to finde not one, not two, but three identical hattes stacked upon Lord Lionel’s heade! Imbued with wistfull madnesse, he endeavoured to aske the gentle manne:

“Please, sir… May I have a hat?”

“Ah-hah!” sneared Lord Lionel. “You are as presumptuous as you are poor and Irish! Tarnish notte the majesty of my tower of hattes.”

“I have maney hattes also but did not bringe them”, liede Sir Sinclair, so as not to deeme himself outclassed in the wake of his companione (outclassed though he were).

And thusly continued Lord Lionel: “There exist notte a single agreeable motivation for asking a Gentle Manne of Leisure to share his pride with the poor and Irish. Earne your hats, through the ancient and virtuous labour that is Team Fortresse Two!”

“But I’m poor and Irish”, ripostated the Servante. “I can’t play Team Fortress 2 when I’m heavin’ ferry all day to feed me wife an’ children.”

“Then”, intervened Sir Sinclair, “you must idle. It is the Invisible Hande’s manner in which it rewardes patience.”

“Nay”, quickly responded the Servante. “I was told that idling is unfair and unconductive to society.”

“There is no shame in a Gentle Manne’s activity…or should I say, inactivity?” The Gentle Menne snickered in tandem.

And so the duo returned to their carriage, leaving the Servante in pensivity. There must be another way, he thought to himself. There has to be!

The following day, Lord Lionel and his insecure companione paid reverence to the Isle of Mann by comitting a stroll acrosse its bustling forum. “See here the marketplace”, spoke Sir Sinclair, and they gazed upon the vaste, smelly stands that is FPSbanana. And so they elected to progress onwards quickly, until they stumbled upon Theodore Casali, carrying in his embrace a peculiar type of puppy.

“Good day my friend”, greeted Sir Sinclair, despite this manne’s class being five below that of himself. “It is not with pleasure that I converse with lowly artisannes, but for the menne of mappes, I make an exception. Tell me, how goes it in the world of geometry-making?”

“There are maney mappes with flagge as of late”, reported succintly this artisanne of brushes.

“And how fares your companione, who was cursed with a car for a face?”

“He has engaged in comitting arsonne in forests”, he spoke in gloom.

Sullen in the wake of this most ghastly informationne, Sir Sinclair instead asked: “And what is this peculiar canine creature?”

“It is a Boojumme Snarke from Mongolia”, clarified the artisanne, “and it assists me in indexing and categorising the objectes in my my atelier! Were it nor for him, each control pointe would consume a fortnight.”

While Sir Sinclair continued inquiring as to the ongoings in level creationne, Lord Lionel elected to explore the realm of the unwashed by his lonesome.

Suddenly, a most unwelcome rock came crashing into his tower of hattes, knocking down all three at once. The Gentle Manne spun around, indignified, bent on retribution against the perpetrator for besmirching his noble tower of hattes…

Surprised was he, to find that it was the Poor and Irish Servante from the forgone day! Irate, the Gentle Manne yelled: “Your insolence shall be punished! …hold on…what is that on your crowne?”

True enough, the servante bore on his heade a hatte of comparative modesty, though stylish and covetable.
“This hat”, spoke the Servante, “I won in a contest.”

Lord Lionel remembered the war against Scotland. “Surely you did not win?!”

“No!”, interrupted the Servante. “I made something with MSpaint and got made a runner-up for it. It may not be pretty, but I put more effort in it that you did in your idling!”

“Ah-hah!”, sneered the Gentle Manne. “That is merely a gray-coloured Backbiter’s Billycock. Certainly an illegal modification which you purchased from FPSbanana!”

Confident, the servante rebuted: “Look it up, it’s in the papers. There’s also something else in there that might interest you, especially considering what you’ve just said…”

The Gentle Manne became nervous. Does he know? How could he know?

“What is transgressing here?”, inquired Sir Sinclair, having heard the racket.

“It is not my hat, but yours, that is a skin from fpsbanana!” And without mercy, he exposed to everyone on the forum the true nature of Lord Lionel’s pride…

“For you see”, the servante continued, “the true Tower of Hattes consists of a top hat, a boater and my own hat! Not this macabre mock-up. Why else did your three hats fall down in tandem? They are but a Ghastly Gibus, transfigured through the Dark Arte! You are as treacherous as the Spy himself!”

“Filthy swine!”, sneered in turn Sir Sinclair at the fallen Gentle Manne. “How dare you pose as a member of a class superior to my own. I worked hard for my stove pipe…which I pilfered from you!”

Lord Lionel fell down, in tears, powerless in the face of this evidence. And so he was stripped from his ranke, proven to be in fact Poor and Irish, to be left to work in the poorhouse, collecting and crafting weaponnes as was his occupation when he had just migrated from Ireland.

A long while ago in March 2009, I remember reading a rant about how useless the Heavy is, how easily attacks are countered and how he fancies himself as a sentry with legs. “What utter rubbish” I thought – and went back to playing as a Heavy on my clan’s pub, or to dominate the hell out of a insta-respawn 2fort server; depending on my mood…

Here’s the thing: a lot of players that play the Heavy are new to the game. Look at the packaging and look at the store page on Steam and what do you see? Naturally, your attention is drawn to the Heavy. So new players will play him, get owned hard and never touch him again.

If you’re sitting there thinking “I’m skilled with another class so why would I be interested in playing the Heavy?” Well here’s my answer – most people don’t fully understand the importance of strategy and teamwork. Strategy plays an important role in Heavy gameplay; every decision you make has to be criticized to achieve the best outcomes. The other thing that plays an important role in Heavy gameplay is communication and not just with a Medic. Theoretically, learning how to play a Heavy well should improve your overall understanding of this game’s logic and strategy – no matter what class you’re playing. Yeah, cool ‘eh? Now let’s get cracking, there’s a lot of stuff to cover.

1. Think before you shoot

How many times have you heard a whirring noise followed by the cries of a slain Heavy? For me, loads of times. Those players make the most fatal mistake any Heavy can make: Revving in the wrong place. I know you’ve done it before – you’ll wind up your gun and walk to defend or attack whatever it is you’re attacking or defending.

The reason this is such a bad idea is obvious – every enemy and his dog will prepare for a Heavy encounter if they hear you revving your gun in the distance and will make detours to avoid/kill you. Never alert enemies of your presence until they’re in range.

So where is the right place to rev? If at least one of these is true, you know you’re in a good place:

• You are in the open and as close as you can get to your foes
• You are in (or at the end of) a corridor with enemies that can be killed before they can fall back into cover
• You are in a blindspot (e.g. a place where a cursory glance won’t reveal your location)
• You are above unaware enemies (e.g. on a bridge or the opening of a tunnel)
• You are near Health and Ammo supplies (e.g. the centre hut on Dustbowl, Level 2-CP 2)

Before you fight the enemy, weigh up the chances of you winning the battle. These can be varied by the number of hostiles in the area, whether you have a medic, the skill of the enemy/enemies you’re fighting, whether you have your gun spinning, how much Health you have and so on. If you know you can’t win, retreat or approach from another angle – don’t bite off more than you can chew or you’ll be eating “Crocket & Winbomb Stew a la Facestab” for dinner.

Medium range is the most ideal place to be, but nothing trumps close range combat more than a volley of point blank minigun rounds. Think it’s hard to get at close range with the big guy? Think again! Say you were overlooking the tunnel exit on Badwater Basin – you can jump down while revving and you’ll be ready to fire before you land. Overhealed Soldiers and Heavies will be shredded in seconds, but be warned that most classes will find it easier to hit you due to your huge frame and poor manoeuvrability – and will wise up after the initial chaos dies down.

2. Pay attention to your surroundings

Pay close attention to the sights, sounds and things around you – for example, memorize the locations of health and ammo so you can fall back on them when you need to, learn the locations of Snipers just by peering out from an opening then move around them, listen out for the decloak sound on a Spy’s watch. This information should already be second nature to the more seasoned players, but is all the more important for a Heavy.

Take each death as a lesson of the things you did wrong and learn from them. Here’s a typical scenario you’ll face as a Heavy: Think back to a time when a Spy seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, now think about how he got there. Was he waiting around the corner waiting for you to go past? Was he crouching on top of some crates out of the way where you would normally fire your gun? Did he convince you with a cunning disguise? You’re a 300 pound mountain of Russian who eats forty cakes a day so how did a skinny dork in a monkey-suit top you? Now you have an idea on how he did it, take steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

The other thing you need to pay attention to are your hit indicators – they show up on your HUD in the direction the impact came from; the larger the indicator, the greater the damage.

3. Befriending a Buddy

Before you shoot off a comment about the Heavy always needing a Medic, don’t – allow me to explain. The Heavy is a defensive class by nature, therefore it is his main job to defend – period. However, when a Heavy is on the offensive he can quickly become a sitting duck by every Tom, Dick and Harry on the other team. Very quickly, your concerns shift towards getting enough health and ammo to survive. When a Medic works with a Heavy he takes away the a lot of the Health concerns, leaving you to just worry about getting enough ammo to do your job – and since you’ll kill plenty of enemies you’ll be up to your knees in ammo. (and bodies)

One essential tool you’ll need when playing Medic buddy is the microphone – you need to efficiently impart enemy locations in order to keep you, your Medic and the rest of your team safe. I personally use Mumble because it’s free and most clans and communities host servers for them, it has an overlay which displays who is talking and it’s customizable. Otherwise, there’s nothing wrong with using the in-game VOIP.

Your Medic should never stay glued to you the entire time, so bring him to the frontline and let the Medic heal your pals – remember that everyone wins in the end, they get their health and the Medic gets his uber much quicker. Spread the love, don’t hog it all. And don’t hog the health if your Medic is in desperate need of it, the Medigun won’t heal its user.

Most players will attempt to kill your Medic if you’re not paying attention, so if your gun is spinning and the Medic’s health starts dropping, turn round and kill whoever it is attempting to plug your mate. Have your Medic spot threats to both of you instead of having him sit there like a goofy German duck gawking at you until either of you die.

Pay attention to your own health too – if you see your health going down quickly retreat into cover and let the Medic heal you. Don’t pick up health packs if you can help it, you’ll help your Medic build the Uber much quicker and he’ll be able to fall back on it if he needs it.

4. Ubercharges and Kritzkriegs

Whichever Medigun your Medics are carrying into battle will come with two very different game-plans. With an Uber, you can charge straight into the fray and tear up a defensive team, taking out Sentries and high priority targets such as Demomen, Pyros, Heavies and Soldiers – provided they don’t quickly run away or use an uber to counter-attack.

Kritz on the other hand require you to protect your Medic even after he activates the charge. The 10 seconds of non-stop critical hits from your minigun will still be effective at long range since falloff doesn’t affect their trajectory.

Usually, I’ll ask the Medic to equip whatever floats his boat, but when a situation starts to rear its ugly head I won’t hesitate to ask them to switch.

5. Going solo

A Medic can be useful, but sometimes you will be faced with the task of coping without him. This video demonstrates Heavy gameplay with rare assistance from a Medic who didn’t know how to ubercharge, I highly recommend it.

Here’s the gist of the video for the benefit of the guide:

• Without a Medic, stay on defence (that doesn’t mean sitting at a dispenser shooting at nothing)
• Stay somewhere where health and ammo is in plentiful supply and deter enemies from taking the route you’re covering
• Offensives on your own are suicide, use the prescience of attacking units to push forward to compensate for the lack of a Medic

6. Your secondary and melee weapons

The Heavy loves his Sandvich, in fact he loved it so much when it was announced as a weapon he would often die eating his last meal. Now witnessing a large Russian stopping in the middle of a battlefield to eat a ham, cheese, lettuce and tomato sandwich on white bread with no concern for the danger around him is no longer a joke – provided he pulls it off.

You now have the option to drop the snack to the life of your Medic or another near-death comrade, aim using the crosshairs and drop it so the target walks into it. Just remember to stop by another health pack at full HP to get your lunch back. It’s also useful if you’re being chased by enemies if you’re low on health – just equip the Sandvich, drop it, nom it and equip your gun. The Sandvich is one heck of a lifeline, as well as tasty.

If you would prefer to have something other than your fists to defend yourself with when you run out of ammo, or need to shoot enemies when you don’t have time to rev up – bring your shotgun. It usually catches people unaware whilst you are moving as they expect you to just rev your minigun. It is also handy for retreating while laying down suppressive fire.

The gloves are risky, but if you can pull off a punch you have a limited time to rain hell on the other team. If you’re planning on taking the gloves, equip the shotgun and not the Sandvich – you’ll waste three seconds equipping and revving up the minigun, as opposed to equipping the shotgun which gets you more bang for your buck (unless you happen to kill two guys with the KGB of course). Likewise, use the fists if you’re planning on taking the Sandvich – people will do their best to gank you if they see you eating, the fists swing quicker which gives you more of a fighting chance.

7. Class Matchups

Knowing how the enemy will attack you will make a big difference. So here I’ve listed all the classes and how they usually attack you, and how best to deal with them. To quote Sun Tzu: “Know thy self, know thy enemy. A thousand battles, a thousand victories.”

Scout

Scouts are the polar-opposite of the Heavy. They will attempt to flank you when the opportunity arises and will gun for your Medic. They will also attempt to irritate you by jumping around your head like a maniac or just strafing around you at point blank plugging you in the guts or allowing other classes to take pot-shots at you while you’re distracted.

The best way to kill Scouts is to get them in the open and mow them down at medium range before they attempt to do anything. If a Scout is abusing cover with the FaN, just don’t challenge them. They’ll simply push you away from where you want to go every time. Just wait until they’re in the open and he’ll wish he had the other gun once you rip him to shreds.

Scouts with the Sandman will have less health, so do your best to avoid his stun balls and mow him down when he realises his tactic didn’t work.

Soldier

The Solly is big and slow just like you, but he makes up for this with his agility and his ability to fire from cover. A full volley of four direct hits will kill a Heavy without a Medic, so do your best to avoid them and kill him at medium range.

Soldiers are usual culprits for abusing cover since their stock rocket launcher can hit you with splash damage while they’re around a corner. Not only that but Stock and Direct Hit Soldiers give anyone a hard time in corridors, but you especially because of your huge physique and slow speed. Plan ahead to avoid situations like this.

Soldiers will try to gain a height advantage by rocket jumping, if he gets to higher ground you become an easier target to hit and you will have trouble hitting him back. Put a stop to this by shooting them while they’re airborne – with luck he won’t be able to make the connection with the higher ground due to the knockback and either way he’ll lose ammo and health. If he does make the connection, try to finish him off or call to your teammates to do it for you. Alternatively, you can occupy the higher ground he’s trying to reach so you can kill him while he’s weakened. Just be ready for him and don’t take too long about it.

Pyro

Obviously the typical W+M1 strategy employed by noob Pyros will be of no concern to you as long as you’re prepared and even when you aren’t you’ll probably trump him if you’re at full health. You’ll need to be worried when he tries to flank you and use his Backburner.

Smarter Pyros will airblast you away from key areas or when you’re Ubered, or even use the airblast sting combo (ignite, AB, Axtinguish), so just tear into them with the minigun at mid-range before they have a chance to puff you around like a meaty-or.

Demomen

Besides Snipers and Spies, these guys will be giving you the most trouble. They’re very similar to Soldiers but have the benefits of indirect fire. The Demoman can fire four grenades and a full volley of four direct hits will kill a Heavy without a Medic. Deal with them like you would with Soldiers. Kill at close to medium range and quickly. If you’re dealing with a charge swordsman, he doesn’t pose more of a threat but keep both eyes out for him. Similarly if he tries to gain a height advantage rev up and shoot them while they’re airborne and weakened.

Watch out for sticky carpets, if you see a Demoman laying a sticky carpet at your feet, unrev and get out of there. Even with a Medic helping you, you will not survive the damage. If you jump on your way out, it might soften the blow and propel yourself to safety.

Don’t get lured into a sticky trap. If you see him retreating into a tunnel or a corridor (even when he’s spent his pipe ammo), assume he’s luring you into a trap. Keep in mind your minigun is suitable for nullifying the threat of sticky bombs if you ignore this. Alternatively, you can go back and approach the situation another way.

Heavy

A simple head on battle between two Heavies produces mixed results every time. It all depends on certain factors such as who winds up first, who has more health, who has more backup and so on.

If you come across a Natasha wielding Heavy, wind up and kill them if they’re in range, otherwise just get in cover. Their bullets can render you almost immobile Also, don’t try and wind up if a nearby enemy Heavy is revving his gun in your direction, just get into cover. If you can, wait until he unrevs and kill him then.

Engineer

Engineers are silly men with silly hats and even sillier guns, so they often rely on their sentries to do all the work for them.

On its own a Sentry is not too much a problem if you have Medic, but it’s a bigger problem if an Engie is repairing the sentry from behind. Ideally, you want to be as close as possible to the gun so you can destroy it. If you have a Medic with an uber ready, tell him to use it and run towards the sentry while you’re linked. Since the Sentry is programmed to target the nearest threat, you’ll find it easier to walk up as close as you need to get, rev and kill the sentry.

Note: A Kritz charge will not kill sentries or other buildings faster.

Once their sentries are down, they have a few options. First, they can run away really fast; just mow them down. Second, they can stand there and get shredded while sitting there fixing nothing. And finally third (and this never gets old) discover new-found superhuman powers and decide to charge you with the plan of braining you with a lucky wrench crit… In any case you won’t have problems with the silly suicidal super-hero engies.

Medic

Medics don’t usually attack other people; they are often helping others to stay alive. This makes your job harder, so they should be prime targets.

When he Ubercharges, you have little chance of evading his target’s path of destruction. While it is possible to escape, your most likely option is to either slow the enemy down by getting in their way, giving them less time to cause havoc, or simply get your Medic to Uber you too. This usually results in the Ubered pair to retreat… AT SPEED!

The only other thing he can do to annoy you is running around you at melee range using the Ubersaw. Don’t bother getting your fists out – the Medic is much quicker than you and will avoid your punches with relative ease. Just rev up for the two seconds because the Ubersaw has its own swing delay.

Sniper

Snipers are almost always present at battlements where they have optimal view of area to cover, and will be too far away for the minigun to do any good damage. So never attack from his range – it’s a stupid idea. Just avoid their line of sight and you should be fine, learn about their movements and compensate. You don’t have to fight every battle to win a war.

If you really have a burning desire to kill Snipers, the best way to do this is to plan a route to them while they’re busy sniping. It can’t be done on open planned maps like Badwater, but it works wonders in 2Fort and incites torrents of rage.

Spy

Spies will always cloak around you and attack from behind, that is unless the Spy is played by an idiot.

Spies love attacking from blindspots, and most love slow, easy targets like Heavies. Be wary of these places and come prepared. Regularly check behind you or have people report sightings of Spies. They will be less likely to attack you and everyone else appears to know what’s going on behind you. Then again, just appearing to know doesn’t make it 100% safe, so listen out for decloaks and footfalls when you know people aren’t around.

Oh yeah, class by class analyses are only good for dealing with individual battles so if you engage more foes than one think about who poses more of a threat and take them out.

Conclusion

The Heavy is an easy target to bash by careless players because of how supposedly “useless” he is, despite the huge contribution he makes to his team. He is underplayed, underrated, and underestimated. In the right hands however…

He becomes the underdog…
The dark horse…
The Heavy Weapons Guy!

Team Fortress 2 takes place in the sixties. Everyone knows this. But RED and BLU aren’t new creations. They didn’t come about around that time. No, the Team Fortress 2 that we know is only a single chapter in a war that has spanned centuries. It spanned back… to medieval times…

Some of the tools of war from those times long since passed survive in the current incarnation of this never ending war. And using these tools, we here at ubercharged.net labs have recreated the war as it was hundreds of years ago. We have recreated…

MEDIEVAL FORTRESS 2

Medieval Fortress 2 is an update of a classic mod found on ubercharged.net Server 1. This update is a complete rework of the plugin, and includes TARGELANDER DEMOS and EQUALIZER SOLDIERS.

“But DPErny, what IS Medieval Fortress 2? I’ve never heard of it.”

Medieval Fortress 2 is what it says on the cover: it’s a Sourcemod plugin that creates a Medieval theme in Team Fortress 2.

THE STORY
Europe was a bloody, gory place since the fall of the Roman empire. For centuries, feudal states grabbed for whatever partition of the former empire that they could. Rulers, sometimes fair, sometimes tyrants, came and went. Then, word of a new king spread. A powerful, wise ruler known as King Manne was fighting to unite the world under his rule. He succeeded in uniting most of Europe, and then ceased his conquest to manage the empire he had accrued. During this rule, there was a time of great peace and many hats.

But then, King Manne fell ill. He no longer had the strength to run his kingdom. He left the day to day running of the Kingdom to his most trusted aide, Saxtonnious Hale. But Saxtonnious could not run it either, not without the guidance and wisdom of King Manne. The land began to fall apart.

Now, King Manne had two handsome, dashing sons. Blutonious and Lord Redwall, as they were called, were fiercely competitive. Each was always trying to outdo the other. When their father fell ill, Blutonious and Redwall each felt that they were entitled to the throne. One can only imagine their anger when Saxtonious was put into power. But Blutonious and Lord Redwall were not stupid. They watched as their father’s kingdom fell to ruin. Blutonious fled to the lands in the east, and Redwall went west. Each began amassing an army of supporters from their father’s former force.

Then, one day, the conflict finally erupted. Blutonious and Redwall each declared their land a sovereign state, named Blubaria and Redland respectively. Great battles were fought in the name of these two powers, and the very planet shook under the conflict.

THE CLASSES

The Archer

Ye Olde Kindom of Manne spared no expense when selecting its Archers. The most talented marksmen in the land were much prized during the great fissure; Redwall and Blutnoius each scrambled to win the favor of the kingdom’s Archers, knowing how important they’d be in the later battles. The Archers were often taught the then fledgling art of Jarate, a method of defence conceived by those strange peoples of the Far East. While most fierce with a bow in hand, Archers are a formidable warrior with a blade as well.

The Knight

No medieval war would be complete without knights, but these were far from chivalrous. These fierce warriors from the land of the Scotts were a force to be reckoned with. Hardened in battle and wielding cursed swords of unimaginable power, the Knights make up the backbone of any assault. They had been known to charge at their foes with reckless abandon, shouting a bloodcurdling battle cry. These fearsome Scottsmen are widely known for their lethal decapitations.

The Berserker

Tales were told of fearsome warriors from the Scandinavian regions that were but ordinary miners in times of peace. When times of war dawn, however, they were far from peaceful. These men revel in pain, and fight to the death without retreat. Travelers from the northern regions say that these Berserkers fight more fiercely as they sustain wounds, and that the most heavily wounded often take down foes with one swing of their mighty pickaxe. Berserkers occasionally carry in to battle a horn of war, which they blow to rally their fellows into the same frenzy.

The Bear

These strange men from cold regions to the east were as strong as they were stupid. Discovered by the Mannish traders, these hulking brutes knew no weapons. They fought with their bare hands alone, crushing their foes with but a swing of a mighty fist. The harsh landscape of Siberia trained them to withstand punishment far beyond that of a normal warrior. They also brought with them from their native lands a culinary dish with amazing medicinal properties. This meal of bread, meat, and vegtables serves to heal the brutes should they sustain damage. They have also been known to lend it to ailing comrades in times of great need.

The field of battle

Currently, the known battles of Medieval Fortress were fought at the castle Redfort. This tall structure, on the border between Redland and Blubaria, was held fiercely by the Redlandians. The Blubarians, attacking from a cave just outside of the castle, stormmed the gates and fought their way through the castle.

The Real Story

Medieval Fortress came about of the first time during the summer of 2009. After a rousing game of shenanigans, I decided that it was time to learn Sourcemod, and bringing Medieval Fortress to the non-administrated masses would be an excellent project. I began working on Medieval Fortress immediately.

I started my adventures in Sourcemod by reading the AlliedModder’s Wiki, and by reading Sirot’s Zombie Fortress plugin. These two sources helped me tremendously, and before long I was making headway on Medieval Fortress. Despite numerous bugs, glitches, and setbacks, I managed to choke out a working version of the plugin I intended. The final product was terribly unorganised, completely unoptimized, and it barely passed AlliedModders aproval, but it worked. About a month after the original Medieval Fortress had been put on, the new plugin was on Server 1.

Medieval Fortress was an instant success. It was played often, and for a while it was hard to get into a game that was hosting Medieval Fortress. Most of the server population loved it. Soon, however, after the fun had worn off, Medieval Fortress was taken off rotation and forgotten.

Fast forward to December of 2009, and the Demo vs Soldier update. As soon as the public caught glimpse of the Eyelander, the forums were alight with people asking for Medieval Fortress to get an update. People who had never heard of my plugin were demanding it. Several threads cropped up on the Steam Forums asking for someone to make a medieval game mode. Interest in the subject soared. I stepped back and analyzed the situation; people demanded it, I would provide. Before the update had even been released, I began work on Medieval Fortress 2.

This time around, I was more experienced in Sourcemod, and I could recognise the disaster that was my first plugin. Considering this, I decided that Medieval Fortress 2 would be a complete recode. I rebuilt my entire plugin from the ground up, starting with nothing but a blank notepad screen. When a problem arose, I asked for help. Before the end of December, Medieval Fortress 2 was ready for release. It was put up on Server 1, and playtesting helped me to iron out the one major bug in the programming.

And, now, two months after the completion of Medieval Fortress, I am ready to release it to the public at large. The source code, the program, everything that a server operator needs to host Medieval Fortress is available right now. What’s more, so long as even 1 server operator hosts Medieval Fortress, I will continue to keep it up-to-date and ready for more challenges. As time goes by, I will release more features, and the bare-bones plugin you see today will be a far more in depth game mode.

The Technical Details

Today’s Medieval Fortress allows for four classes, as previously stated. The Knight is a Demoman. He is allowed only the Eyelander, the Bottle, and the Targe. The Archer is Medieval Fortress’ default class. Anyone trying to switch to an unallowed class will be redirected to this tweak on the Sniper. He is allowed only the Huntsman, Jarate, the Razorback (which, although useless now, I plan on adding features for later), and his Kukri. The Berserker is simply a the Soldier with all non-melee weapons stripped, excluding the Buff Banner. The Bear is the same with a Heavy; all non-melee weapons are stripped excepting the Sandvich.

To set up map to automatically play Medieval Fortress, simply erase the map’s existing prefix and affix “mf_” to the beginning. For example, on UC server 1, we use Redfort under the name “mf_redfort_b3″. Alternatively, Medieval Fortress can be enabled on any map by typing “sm_mf_enable” into the console (changemap admin flags required). While Medieval Fortress will automatically disable itself at the end of a map, it can be turned off manually by typing “sm_mf_disable” into the console (also requires changemap).

Download

Source code: Medieval Fortress 2

Plugin: MF2

Credits

I have to give credit to tons of people for this, because it really isn’t original. First off, credit goes to Phoenix, the ubercharged.net editor, for the original Medieval Fortress. He got the ball rolling. Next, credit to mrmof for making the map we play on. More credit goes to everyone on the ubercharged.net forum for making this work.

Probably the first thing you think of when you hear “The War Update” is a legion of flailing Highlanders touring around for your head. Many uprisings popped up with angry plebeians proclaiming that the Demoman should be demolishing things rather than cutting up his fellow man. The truth is that the Demoman was already just fine at demolishing, just like the Soldier was doing his job properly. More power for the demolishing demoman would’ve led to mass engineers on strike, and more ammo for the homely trap-setter would’ve been too boring. The solution was something entirely unheard of; turning the class into something entirely unrelated to its premise. Valve could’ve elected either the Soldier or the Demoman as the embodiment of this new tenth class, and I suspect they went with the Demoman because claymores.

However, just like with the Razorback, traditionally thinking (yes, thinking) demomen have been given a new toy to play with: the Scottish Resistance. Although the Resistance doesn’t contain catastrophic amounts of boring like the Razorback, it’s still not as potent as it could be. The main problem is that Resistin’ Demos just end up feeling less efficient than if they were using the regular Sticky Launcher and paying taxes like good citizens. That’s why I’m taking the time to describe, in detail, six things the Scottish Resistance is better at than the Winbomb Launcher.

Trap-Spotting

“Stop sitting around and do something!” – Berrito Mussolini

This is the capital (and most boring) purpose the Resistance has been advertised for. You put bombs around multiple doorways, pick a corner and wait. Wait until an unfortunate sod comes in, at which point you twitch in his direction and detonate all over him. More controlled twitchers (likely ex-CSS players) will rig a door on both sides, always keeping one set of stickies at hand in case a second poofter shows up. The big dilemma here is that you can’t place yourself too inclined with the doorway, or selective detonation becomes impossible (the crosshair isn’t adjusted to the cone of detonation); stand too much in front and your prey will see you before coming through. You could make use of this, though. Trick the enemy into taking an alternate route that has also been rigged, then feel bad as he denotes your trickery as ’spam’.

One thing I like to do to mess with people is to set up a trap, then throw a bunch of stickies at the enemy. Ever since the game’s initial release in 2007, players have been taught that one detonated sticky means a completely defenseless demoman. Sure, the Resistance stickies are visually distinct, but no sod is going to suspect you of planning ahead of time until it’s too late.

Another fun anecdote: on our UK-based server, Laharl concealed all fourteen stickies behind the intelligence in ctf_sawmill. I thought he was doin’ it wrong until I saw him blow up the medic+targelander combo that was running amok.

Carpet Weaving

“A fancy carpet for me to shit on.” – Diogenes

I believe this is where the true potential of the weapon lies. Dot a corridor with any number of stickies between eight and fourteen, and the enemy isn’t going to advance. Your entire creation won’t be ruined anymore by a single scout’s (no longer as spectacular) acrobatics, as you can choose to devote only part of your stickies to his combustion. After putting your carpet in place, you can proceed to spam the enemy team like you usually would. So you see, you’ll have not one, not two, but two and a half primary weapons. You’re like a bagpiper with three hands!

Just make sure you NEVER stand on your carpet. While it should sound awesome to fend off attackers from atop your own handiwork, Valve implemented a ‘buff’ to detonate stickies directly under you, supposedly for sticky jumping. Why do that when you have your own base to rig? To make matters worse, the detonation range is shorter than the distance one would use for horizontal jumping. Initially, the stickies’ whole prime time was ignored for point blank stickies. This led to:

Sticky-Punching

“A scout in your face is better than a spy in your back.” – Oscar Wilde

The non-existent prime time allowed you to detonate stickies before they were even properly fired, turning the Resistance into some manner of twisted, self-mutilating Scattergun. The Scouts, Pyros and Spies would either burst in tears due to nostalgia or think nothing is off because they’re used to being exploded by things they can’t see. It was a blast punishing those cocky ne’er-do-wells for their hubris, even if it had me blow up too in the process. Particularly devestating is an ubered ’sploder; the enemy would think nothing dangerous of a Demoman running idly into a bunch of enemies, allowing me to project eight point blank blasts into their face. It was like being a suicide bomber who can’t die. The kritzkrieg, however, is an entirely different story.

One other quirk of sticky-punching was sticky-punch-jumping. Aiming downward while jumping projected you perfectly forward (not useful on Orange X) with the power of three stickies and the damage of only two. Trying to aim your jumps apart from this method is More often than not, you’ll end up ramming yourself into the ground, dying from fall damage. So it really was nothing like this.

Alas, the prime time has been re-added in a recent patch, making sticky jumping with the Resistance even more clunky. Complete removal of the tweak will likely make the following tactic more viable:

Suicide Bombing

“I invade your country in the name of liberty!” – George W. Bush

Here’s what you do. Go to an enemy control point and get your stickies all over it.  As you’re capping, the enemy will likely send flimsy scouts and pyros your way, followed by seasoned but slower soldiers and heavies. Before, all you could do was try and dispatch the scout with scrumpy or blow up the both of you in the name of honour and scout-killing. With the Resistance, you can ensure his destruction while you continue towards capture. Especially effective on A/D maps; the stickies’ longer prime time won’t matter because by the time the enemy gets to you, their point will have been impurified. You can also try confounding attackers on the final point of cp_badlands (you know, when you jump up and get stuck somewhere in the silo).

Use this tactic and you’re almost certain to capture the final point. Well, if Valve changes the weapon. Until then, the Resistance is still most efficient at…

Spawncamping

“The classes must be evened out at regular intervals.” – Leon Trotski

Okay, you may not want to hear it and you probably already know, but on unmoderated servers, the Scottish Resistance can effectively lock down a team. The main drawback of spawncamping with the regular Sticky Launcher is that your entire collection of stickies is wasted with each smelly unfortunate killed. With the resistance, you can add layers of spam in front of the spawn door, or if that’s not subtle enough, try rigging all four sides of the door! You’ll have plenty of time to patch up after each detonation. Like with Trap-Spotting, many fools will think the coast is clear when the first of your victims blows up.

In case you don’t like 32-man instant respawn 2fort/cp_orange_william, you can try doing this at the BLU exits in Gravelpit. Not even UC2’s admins will slay you (I think).

Distinguished Destruction

(hain)

“A Targelander is to a Resistance user what a Hoplite is to a Belgian falling out of a tree.” – Gaius Julius Ceasar

Okay, I admit it. The Resistance feels like a nerfed sticky launcher. But because of that, it’s so much more immersing and fun! Plus, the kill icon is stylish, and says “I have just outwitted you in a way not typical of your preconceptions of a demoman!” Eventually I switched back to the Sticky Launcher because the point blank detonations were annoying me, and when I did, it made the Demoman seem such a boring class. Even though I could do this again, the gratification was lost. This happens when you try doing things the easy way, rather than the sexy way.

Remember when the weapon was first revealed? The CQC kit had stepped on many a demoman’s toes. Now a particularly awesome weapon was revealed, and already the Poor and Irish couldn’t bear with the thought of having to deal with fourteen stickies. When the update hit us, the Targelanders rose to power en masse and the Resistance was dismissed as awkward and disappointing just because it can’t be spammed with as easily. In my days of Resisting, I made many cretins call me a ’spammer’ regardless. I used to entrench myself in the enemy’s vents on ctf_turbine and blow up a team’s worth of players, much to the amusement of my vent-mates. For this alone do I find it worthwhile to use the Scottish Resistance.

I ain’t gonna lie. A semi-pro game of Team fortress 2 where the 2 teams are even and working together fighting tooth and nail for every objective on the map, brings some of the best moments of gaming for me.

Sadly, many times these moments doesn’t last the whole round and sudden events causes one team to steamroll the other. It could be that one absurdly good player who just joined the game that caused it or maybe some of your teammates leaved and suddenly you’re outnumbered.
But no, the most common occurrence ain’t these.  Too  many times, all i have to to do is press TAB to see the most common reason why; around >30% of our team are/or just picked snipers and/or spies.

Who knows why they’ve chosen them to begin with. Maybe it’s to counter that one player who dominates half of our team (in general there really is an unhealthy amount of  obsession about counters in a game focused on teamwork), maybe it’s cause they are the only classes the players feel they are achieving something with, maybe they had good intentions and was trying to do something to help our team or maybe they saw a top player doing great with that class and thought they would achieve more by playing the same class .

These kind of snipers and spies are usually average players, probably nailing a few good kills of important targets, but otherwise nothing special. However, they all have one thing in common; they suck at class selection!

They are what I like to call weenies.

Snipers and spies are what it says on the selection screen, support classes. They can’t fight well at all directly, though are wonderful at picking off key targets. But once your team is full of these guys, things can and will go downhill from there unless 1; there is a significant skill difference between the teams (in your favor) or 2; they have around the same number of spies and snipers as well.

What makes these classes so attractive is pretty much their one-hit kill wonders, but many players fail to see that they are quite weaksauce compared to other classes once you strip them off these tools.

Does the snipers and spies on our team play quite well? Most certainly yes. Does that really justify that these players are actually half of our team? Not at all!

They have mediocre health, low to medium firepower on their alternative weapons and are mostly a minimal threat once engaged. Their only answer once that happens pretty much boils down to running away. They need distractions and those who provide those distractions are the sturdier classes fighting the other team directly (or can) AKA all the other classes (engineer is a minor exception though, we’ll go back to him later). The problem is when there are too few sturdy players fighting directly, the other team will have little problem mopping them up and continue on.
This doesn’t help snipers and spies in any way. Snipers have less time to shoot before getting engaged themselves and less time distracted means more time being aware of sneak attacks, making it harder for spies to be efficent.

I’m gonna repeat all this with an example. Ever heard about the law of inverse ninjutsu?
It basically says that the fewer ninjas there are, the more lethal they become.

Now I know this is pretty much what happens in fiction, but there is some truth to it. I mean, you don’t ever hear (or read) about an army of exceptional ninjas that have taken on an army full of heavily armed samurai now do you?

Like ninjas, spies and snipers are assassins. Their preferable method is to kill an target as quickly as possible without really engaging it at all, just their method of doing it is different. Once the sniper and spies themselves are engaged however, they have pretty much lost the fight.
This will be a problem once the main line of sturdy classes is gone and it would require a tremendous effort from the remaining spies and snipers to even halt the advance of the opposing team.

I guess we all have been a weenie at some time (even me) or still are. But please, if there is something your team usually doesn’t need, it’s more snipers and spies. They are niche classes great at turning a game around when played right, but it’s not someone that can be massed.

So if you decide to roll sniper or spy, you damn sure better know what you are doing!

Dishonourable mention: Engineers

The reason engineers are just given a mention is cause these kinds of weenies aren’t even nearly as common as the other 2. Reason may be that they don’t have a tool that can one-hit kill or that they may take more skill to play well with and make a difference, unless they turtle up. They are also not as helpless as snipers and spies since they have the generally more efficent shotgun, as well as having the sentry to help them in a fight if it’s availible. Still, engineers are usually not the kind of guy a team needs plenty of either.

I wouldn’t qualify engineers as weenies on defence. Sure, having 4 or 5 of them on a defending team ain’t exactly the healthiest way of defending, but as long they don’t build everything in one big farm as well as doing something else other than wacking stuff  it’s kinda fine (though there are beter methods for defence).

To many engineers on the attacking team however, not so good.

Engineers on an attacking team usually do 2 things; they either play pod (creating a forward base) or play offensive and try to sneak in to cause havoc (flanking them or ambushing their supply lines).
Neither should there be too many of. Offensive engineers are pretty much in the same position as spies in that they need distractions. Although 2 or 3 can get a sentry up faster than one can, having too many of them yields predictable results. One engineer playing pod is usually plenty as well.

What about the scouts?

I wouldn’t call scouts a weenie. Unlike the other 3 they can dart in and out of the action, constantly harrassing the enemy team. They are far from helpless in a direct fight and are only a problem for their own team when there aren’t any sturdier classes on it.

Scout assault and “Sentry hill” doesn’t mix well.

On the other hand, scout rushes can be pretty brutal.

Thank you for your time.

Credit to Tygris for the g-mod pictures.

Pandapoops, the soldier who created “Pway a Weal Cwass,” is back with another video. While PaWC was about general soldier strategy, PaWC 2 (or–better, 2PaWC) focuses almost entirely on the new weapons and how you can use them. Definitely worth a watch, if only for the eye-popping airshots–though the instructional material’s quite interesting too

Watch in HD and fullscreen for the best experience, if, of course, your ‘nets can handle it.

And the Ronald Jenkees soundtrack is pretty sweet too.

So, I heard you guys like avatars. And judging by the success of Tesla’s and Tygrys’ two avatar collections, I presume it to be correct. So, I went and set out on a long a tedious task to find T&T Industries, break into it, and steal the latest avatar designs the two made. I was ready to do this, risk everything in order to get (more) fame and popularity, and as such, I made haste to finish this quest…

I failed. Miserably.

Finding T&T Industries wasn’t too hard, and with the Cloak Camp and Dagger, breaking in was the easy, though long and tiresome part. Getting out, now that was painful. You try stealing something and getting outside when there seems to be a fancy, hat wearing guard around every corner, all of which armed and loud, calling other guards to my position. It’s like playing Metal Gear Solid without hiding or shooting any guards. Oh, and then you have the ones with the Rocket Launchers. Urgh. In the end, I decided to value my life more than their ideas, dropped all the briefcases I had and used the Coward and Dagger to make my slow way out of the place. I still have nightmares of the place though…

So, here I was, no ideas stolen, and moving so slow I might as well be a snail, and to top it all off, everyone around me was wearing a hat. And that is when I had this wonderful idea: avatars for the hatless. And I’m not talking about hatless hats because, despite what I said before, the Hatless Engie reminds me of Cortez from Timesplitters, which is always a plus in my books. So, I gathered a couple of hatless people and told them that they sucked because they had no hats, and took a picture of their reaction. Some burst into tears, some burst into angry. One chap almost sent me to the great Capture Point in the sky. A couple of them complained that their Halo/Gibus/Halloween Mask was a hat, and I just shook my head and took the picture. Those with Bill’s Hat, however, simply kicked me “down under”, so I decided to avoid them until I saw them in Left 4 Dead 2, where I would proceed to shoot their groin. That would show them…

Anyway,  with no further delay, the No-Hat-Blues Avatar Pack. It’s not stealing, it’s copying the style of something else, which I have totally gotten away with before. Go enjoy it.

Hey you? Yes you, the fella’ with the classy picture on your Steam/Forum/Other Account. What are you doing? Trying to hide your hatless shame behind a little picture? What is your problem? Are you, like, Sir Super Coward the Third of Cowardland? Be a real man and trap your sadness in these handy avatars of sad, hatless people, just like you!

Made by a hatless person, for hatless people, using the pain and torment of other hatless people, Mr. Shadow captures the grief of the news that these chaps officially suck in a beautiful and classic photographs which I would hang on my wall, had it not been for the fact my walls were already covered with his other masterpieces. The best thing is that there are two versions of these soon-to-be-so-iconic-you’ll-grandchildren-will-know-about-them pictures; one zoomed out, and one zoomed in, so you can decide between seeing the poor saps’ body language or facial expressions. How would you not want one of these to represent you?

And even if you do have hats, you can still have one of these pictures to remind yourself and take joy in the fact that, somewhere, there is someone crying over the fact they have nothing on their heads. So what are you waiting for, a bus? Just right click these amazing snapshots and select “Save Image As…”, and save them somewhere and under a name you can remember so next time you want to stun your foes with something their spend ages looking and remember for the rest of their lives, don’t go for the porn spray, just change your avatar to one of these and by the time they are done looking, you would have already left after winning so many rounds. Something Mr. Shadow wished he had a couple of days ago when he was trying to stealing from T&- err, I mean, he was stealing a capture point from the enemy. Yeah…

Signed: The Post Script Company Manager of Doing Stuff Mr. Shadow is too busy to do

Septa Viscous

Community Fortress has a pretty sweet video series going called eXtelevision (eXtv for short), where eXtine commentates pro-level competitive TF2 matches. If you’re interested in competitive TF2, it’s definitely worth a look for its excellent commentary (plus, the matches are pretty damn intense, if you ask me).

Case in point: an ESEA-Invite match this week. Muscle Milk and Moolians, the underdogs, squared off against Evil Geniuses in a brutal match on Badlands. Part 1 of 4 of the match is embedded below, and you can check out part two, part three, and part four on the CommunityFortress Youtube channel. This is definitely one to watch in HD and fullscreen. And nope, I’m not going to spoil it for you by saying who won

Best part: a new eXtv episode’s released every week. Keep ‘em coming, Community Fortress!

I must say, I’m impressed to see a lot of you displaying some elegance since the publishing of the Classy Classes Avatar Pack. Though from a few I’ve heard complaint; “Garbing yourself in style is all well and good, but it’s winter and I’m bloody freezing.” I’ll agree to a point, wrapping yourself up warm for the winter weather may well be practical, but I’ve always been one to stick to my convictions about looking good… and that’s when it hit me.

It hit me quite hard, on the back of the skull, and the doctors claimed there may have been a rock in it. But I assure you, concussion or no, I am not delusional; A man can dress well and keep warm! I had the nurses get me a phone so I could tell Tygrys right away, so we could begin work on our next project!

Sadly, by the time they let me out of the hospital, most of the snow had been washed away; so I had to visit Tygrys in his homeland of Poland, where the weather was just right to make some wintery avatars.

T&T Industries is pleased to announce the release of our second avatar pack, titled the “Winter Warmers Avatar Pack”.

This pack has been designed with practicality and style foremost in mind. Now you can keep yourselves warm for the cold weather, without dressing down. This pack was designed by the genius mind Sir Tygrys Murdock with help from the morphine-addled mind of Sir Tesla Tank.

Remember our motto – quality is of the utmost importance and we strive to satisfy all of our customers.

Signed: T&T Industries Chairman of marketing

Willbur McTrackingster

You can download the pack of 18 right here, special thanks to arma2.pl and the Crazy Hussars team for providing a permanent link. I’ll leave you with a piece of advice I got from my surgeon; better to stay indoors this winter and play Team Fortress 2 than to do yourself an injury throwing snow at people, and building imaginary ice friends. Have fun now.

In a lot of ways, Team Fortress – as well as every class-based shooter – is a lot like a Jazz concert. You have a limited amount of players, they are all largely different and every one of them gets a chance to shine. This in contrast to the classic Symphony Orchestra Beat-Em-Up, featuring lots of violins for gratification.

Upon closer examination, all of the TF2 classes can be compared to a specific instrument, especially so in competitive play. You might want to turn off any music you’re playing, as the following list contains a boatload of Youtube links.

- Medic -

The Drummer

The drummer is the backbone of any ensemble. He decides the rhythm, and if he makes a fatal move, the entire team collapses. A drum set takes some time to set up, and if you’re a mobile pubber, you could always replace him with a guitar player, but having a drummer increases your efficiency tenfold. The problem is that many novice drummers get a little in over their head and start going solo. Of course, experienced drummers know when this is called for and make it play out well if they have to.

The greatest characteristic the Drummer and the Medic have in common, however, is their one sidedness. A Drummer doesn’t have access to octaves and can’t be reprimanded for not following the tune, only the rhythm. A drummer once told me that was the reason she wanted to be one, and that’s also the reason I play Medic. After all, a Medic heals people regardless of distance, damage falloff, airshots and all that. He acts in a completely different spectrum from the rest of his team, and because of that, you can give any Drummer a sheet and tell him what to do while good ones are yet capable of taking initiatives and quick decisions themselves as to pull their team forward instead of being just necessary.

- Soldier -

The Trumpet

The Trumpet is the tried and true instrument throughout history. Trumpets have announced the advent of kings, honoured valued anthems and intimidated the French populace.The intricate way of producing sound from the trumpet is a hamper at first, as is learning to shoot in front of people and at their feet. But in the end, the Trumpet is the most balanced instrument, capable of carrying the melody with some adjustments or supporting the other players at key moments. Some people, however, aren’t very fond of its shrill, annoying sound.

All in all, the Trumpet has the most frag videos and is quite accessible due to its simple layout. Even more so if it’s a trombone. And with the addition of the Buff Banner, I can say that I totally called it. What other instrument carries the team without leaving the spotlight?

(also, place a mat or something for performers to stand on or they’ll get dribble all over your stage.)

- Scout -

The Saxophone

At first, I was going to attribute the Saxophone to the Soldier and the Trumpet to the Scout. Probably because, being a career medic, I hate their guts and I feel delighted each time I see one of them killed (no offense to trumpet players). But that which makes the Scout actually unique is not his speed or role, it’s that he’s the only player left on the field whose main job is to shoot bullets at people (with the exception of the Heavy). And yet such a simple concept has an incredibly deep learning curve. The Saxophone is most like a flute compared to its brass buddies, including the way one blows into it. It’s also a great choice for completing the main objective (i.e. playing the melody and killing the enemy medic) and is preferred for its flexibility (move speed) and beautiful sound (damage output). It’s no wonder so many people have taken to it, leading to about three per server.

A drawback is that the Sax becomes less effective as more people play. Its sound is nice, but not as far-reaching as that of a trumpet. Just like a saxophone, a Scout needs space to maneuver in. They’re also a lot like violin players.

- Demoman -

The Keyboard

Ah, the keyboard. Capable of mimicking instruments through indirect, digital means, the Keyboard is a very versatile instrument/machine, and no more than one is ever used. Many people think playing it takes no skill because it has all the keys laid down conveniently and, as a result, devalues the performance of “real classes”, but it’s the only choice a Demoman has when he finds his team filled with snipers and spies.

Of course, through utilizing and experimenting with sounds that organic instruments can’t make, the keyboard holds potential of his own. On the other hand, he doesn’t get a whole lot of solos and when he does, it’s out of necessity. In public play, however, the Demoman is either a very classic defense class who lays traps that catch his victims by surprise, or the front line “sticky spamming” class mentioned above.

- Heavy -

The Singer

Now this one is awkward. You don’t see many singers in Jazz anymore, but when you do, no matter how bad or redundant he is, he’ll be the center of attention by both performers and audience. Everyone has to adapt to what he does, where he goes, and if they leave him behind, the singer will look like a dork because he was told we would be fighting Boatmen. The Singer has the least technical difficulty (everyone knows how to use their own voice), but succeeding requires more than that alone.

- And the rest -

As the most used utility class, the Sniper attacks sporadically and from a distance. The fruit of his efforts is rarely seen and he is, as such, the most thankless class. This makes him a lot like the Double Bass, which produces a very low, barely audible sound yet somehow smooths things up for the other players. You also know that when a competitive team shows up with a Sniper, they bloody well mean business.

Opposite to the Saxophonist stands the Clarinet player AKA Engineer, who thrives on large amounts of teammates. In low tier pub games, he’s the central point of defense (like so), but in Jazz, he exists mostly to give his team a boost. He’s never used in Linear 5CP blues, though. Also notable is that the Saxophone was invented as an improvement to the Clarinet, just as people like to think of the Engineer as a slow version of the Scout in direct combat.
(I say they’re wrong, but I digress.)

Let’s not forget the Spy, who can do magnificent things but appears to be such an anomaly amongst the rest of the crew. Like an accordion, a whole lot of people use it and yet many feel special for doing so. Both are exceedingly convulooted and I wonder how they came to exist in the first place. They are the instrument of the People, of the Masses, and rarely see action in the big leagues. But anomalies happen.

And last but not least, and I say this with no regard to the relevant meme, the Pyro is like an electric guitar. On the one hand, he’s a n00b class because people don’t play him to credit a team, more so because rock stars get fame and infinite amounts of sex. On the other hand, the electric guitar’s strength allows him to support teammates in ways a demoman can’t. Recently, I played a round on Badlands where I voided the Scouts by having a Pyro guard me. When Pyros try to steal the show, however, they become a nuisance to their own team. A pyro running in front of the soldier/medic combo alerts the enemy to his general direction before the first rocket is even fired. Just this week, I attended a jazz concert where the guitar and the Saxophone both went all-out and failed. Nevertheless, pyros are great uber partners, but he excels so much better in Rock.

And that’s the end of my list. Next time you intend on spamming the latest Bonk remix on your favourite alltalk-less server, play some Jazz instead. Your team will perform better.
(I wish.)