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This is an article that’s been brewing for a long time. There’s a billion articles telling you to thank people on this site, and recently complaining about the unlocks has gotten a little absurd. Just look at all that fuss over the Sandman. There is one thing you need to know, and you need to know it now.

(credit to loafaries for the image)

What’s that? You’re helping your team? Well thank you for doing what you’re supposed to be doing.  There is nothing wrong with giving some thanks, but you know what? Valve did that FOR you. Everytime you take a teleporter, your character thanks the Engie. Every time you get healed, your character thanks the Medic. Bind “thanks” to a key all you want, but when you actually threaten to stop doing your job until a Soldier stands still, fumbles with his keyboard, and gets sniped every time you point your mouse in his direction, you need to stop being such a brat.

"Oh, hold on, let me just find my "thank you" key while this uber runs out."

Every member of your team is helping. Mr-Hyper-Sandman-Scout is helping by stopping people shooting at you and distracting the enemy. Mr-Kill-Streak-Soldier is helping your team by stopping you from getting overrun by enemies. Mr-Very-Paranoid-Pyro is helping keeping Spies away and causing fear and confusion in the enemies. Mr.Downright-Deranged-Demoman is stopping them from easily getting to key areas. Are you getting the point yet? Every class is helping out, not just the Medic and the Engineer. If you see yourself as some kind of martyr, playing a class just to help out and whining at your teammates for not being more vocally grateful, then you need to go play a class you DO enjoy. Some people actually genuinely enjoy Medic and Engineer.
The second this is a little more obvious- valve didn’t sell you this game as being updated and having cool new weapons fit in. None of the new weapons are so overpowered as to make it impossible to play without them. And if they’re “so awful” then go back to playing with the old ones! They haven’t “ruined” the Sniper, because you can still use all the old weapons. No one is forcing you to use Jarate, you whiners.

So yes, thanking people is nice. It’s  polite thing to do, and reflects that if you only cared about yourself you’d be doing something that’s better for your points. But it is NOT mandatory, and you should NEVER punish people for not doing it, because they’re helping too. And while it’s okay to point out whether you like or dislike something Valve has done, remember that they’re doing this all out of the kindness of their hearts, and they DO listen to the fans.

And honestly, who doesn't love Jarate. You're never too old for a good urine joke.

As many of us know, the TF2 is based in 1968, in some rural areas (usually) of the United States (despite both of the sides being world-wide leaders in industry). Nine mercenaries were hired to fight over a variety of objectives and locations (for reasons unexplained,). We got a speedy Scout, simple Soldier, publicly dangerous Pyro, drunken Demoman, entrenched Engineer, huge Heavy Weapons Guy, maniacal Medic, steady Sniper, and the sly Spy. Two teams use variety of home-made weapons and respawn rooms. Some med-kits and ammo boxes here and there, for the war to go on as well. And, finally - the Announcer, the ominous voice. Ah, the simplicity of existence in a simple, sunny world… right?

Now, don’t take my word for it (or you’ll see me in the off-world mining colony) - but this is all too damn fishy. First of all – the war itself. It appears that the mercenaries often fight each other in control of something - something only Announcer knows everything about. Those locations are almost of no importance to a naked eye. Yes, there is a giant laser in Gravel Pit – but it doesn’t do anything in the time of the battle or once one of the teams achieves success. Those briefcases loose empty pieces of paper. The rockets don’t seem to do anything as well, beyond being there. The cart just blows up some kind of toxic waste – nothing important to a logical mind.

Then, we have the employers and the Announcer. We don’t know who those ominous corporations are. They control most of the world. And they fight each other when bureaucracy doesn’t work. But what are the problems? Why do they want those battles to be fought and the actions to be committed? Why is there no one else, anywhere? Then, there is the train… but is there anyone inside? Why is it indestructible? And finally… who is the Announcer? Why do we never see her? Why does she never have any effect on us? And why do both sides hear her… but differently?

Next – what is the relevance of “I have no mouth, and I must scream” to this subject? That story follows 5 characters that are doomed to forever be tormented by a computer who destroyed the entire human race, and only keeps those five for brutal entertainment of itself, by forcing them to feel humiliation over and over. Through cloning, life-support, and virtual reality, they are forever stuck with their memories. The computer controls their lives and they cannot escape. They cannot die, as they are cloned, again and again.

What it is and what it seems.

But what is the relevance of this to TF2? What if all of those characters don’t exist. No, there is no Scout. No Engineer. No Pyro or Soldier. What if there are 9 to 18 men and women, stuck in some laboratory, under the control of the omnipresent computer, who forces them to collide together in the numerous battles of the endless? Their memories are false and were created by the computer. And they will keep those memories, for as long as they are inside this virtual world. And thus they will fight with each other, in that false time. At those non-existent places. Unless… someone will save them.

Of course, this “Game” has connections to the psychology of human and non-biological beings. First of all – the Pyro. The “players” who “play” as Pyro, are women. But due to the computers apparent Matriarchal view (which is also shown through the announcer figure, most likely to be the computer itself), they lost their feminine side in the “game” – thus, producing the Pyro. Then, there are “Domination and Dominated” parts of the “game”. Being dominated is one of the most humiliating things, beside pain (both physical, emotional, and psychological) the “players” endure. But there is nothing more dangerous than falling from a height – and once you loose your domination over someone, you will feel the humiliation, even more painful than if you were dominated. Thus, creating a vicious circle of humiliation. To keep the “players” mentally “fresh”, their memories are blocked, every time they respawn. Thus, they can never find out what they are in the “game”, and not in the real world.

She’s watching you.

What if they are on Borealis? What if they are part of the experiment conducted by Aperture Science? If not, who created this? Is it GlaDOS, who believes that it attained the level of gods? What if the Left 4 Dead survivors are there as well? Could this be a part of Half-Life 2: Episode 3? Maybe. Maybe…

There are those of you here who would rather ignore us.  They are those of you here that think we are second-class Team Fortress 2 players.  Maybe we are, but either way, we exist.

We are the Xbox 360 players.

We have been lied to, beaten down, and neglected.  Whereas the PC version of Team Fortress 2 is nearing its 100th update/patch, the Xbox 360 has recieved three minor patches, the last of which was a fix for an earlier one.

Valve has told us our day is coming, but in the latest news update from Valve stated that “all the additional TF2 content we’ve produced has pushed well beyond [the RAM limit.]”

Why does this worry me?  Because it is a physical barrier that may not be surmountable by any means.  Certainly, with the cabal being focused mainly on updating the PC version, the solution may never come, or may not be completed until Valve is “done” updating the PC version.

I am willing to accept this barrier, and realize that, because of it, some content might not ever reach us.  However, certain content could be released to us that would not affect the RAM limit.  Namely, the nineteen new maps and corrections to original weapons and items would not do this.

So far, the Xbox 360 community has shown overwhelming support for this mini-update as soon as possible, even if it were to cost more than $10.

The question is, are you compassionate enough to allow the TF2 cabal enough time to compile this update for us XBox 360 gamers?

If you are, please sign this petition, set up on my own site, that will eventually be sent to Valve.  It does not require an account, so it shouldn’t take more than half a minute.

It would make a big difference to the Xbox community.

Show your nice side and help friends in need.

Good evening. I am here today to talk to you about something that’s foremost in all of our minds this update week; Unlockable Items. Now of course, the big ticket item this week is the Sandman. Unfortunately, due to the new update system, many boys and girls are going to be very disappointed when they unlock a weapon this week. I, however, will not be disappointed; for you see, I have 3 Sandmen…

So what do I do first? Do I stun an enemy? Do I attempt to do a taunt kill? Do I laugh at other Scouts double jumping? The answer is of course, yes. Because, I have 3 Sandmen…

I have one for CTF maps, one for CP maps, and one for PL maps. Why? Because I have 3 Sandmen…

Now I realise that while I have 3 Sandmen, some of you out there may actually have a Sandman of your own, and be thoroughly enjoying your unlock. But, imagine how I must feel, with 3 Sandmen. I think you’ll find that I am enjoying it three times as much…

Now some of you may be thinking, “It’s okay; I didn’t really want a Sandman anyway.” And that’s true; it is okay, because you aren’t getting one. While I, conversely,  have 3 Sandmen…

Let me put it like this: Imagine you have one chocolate bar, and I have 3 chocolate bars. This is like that; except, you have no chocolate bars, and I have 3 Sandmen. Also, I have this chocolate bar…

I only have two Cloak and Daggers, but I have 3 Sandmen…

Is it worth it to have 3 Sandmen when I have a broken mouse? Well I submit to you that, in time, I will get a better mouse, whereas you will never have 3 Sandmen…

Now you may be trying to cover for your lack of Sandman by unlocking Jarate. You may even say that using Jarate is just as much fun as using the Sandman. This is obviously the talk of somebody who does not have 3 Sandmen…

This graph illustrates how many Sandmen I have versus how many Sandmen you have. As you can see, your column has zero Sandmen. Whereas I have 3 Sandmen…

And so, I will leave you with these simple words to consider this update week: I have 3 Sandmen…

***

Yeah, this was a joke article. But when I got the third Sandman, I couldn’t let this opportunity go. For those of you who do not understand this article, then you clearly do not have 3 PS3’s…

The sniper has been having a few health problems of late.

So the medic had him fill out a quick self-help diagnosis.

Apparently it’s a result of all the Jarate practice he’s been doing.

Imagine you are an 8 year old kid. Your dad spends weeks telling you how great your Birthday presents are going to be. You spend days wondering what they will be and he lets you shake a different box every day. He had always given you awesome gifts in the past.

The day finally comes and you get in the car with him to go get a cake. Once you are on the highway, your dad takes out brass knuckles, beats the s*** out of you, and kicks you out of the car. Then, hurt and angry, you walk back to your house. When you get there you see all your friends leaving the house with your awesome presents. You see your dad and he hands you 3 of the same video game you got last year. When you ask him what is going on he tells you he is giving them to you to trade with your friends.

All your friends bought this game too but when you go to try to leave the house to try to trade with them your dad locks you in the basement.

Right here goes my rant: I wait until the update finishes downloading, and I eagerly awaited the new unlock system that would give me weapons in no time at all. I play and play - for 8 hours straight and unlocked some great achievements.
During those 8 hours of game play, I only got 1 weapon out of it. Another f****** Sandman that I had ‘hacked’ months ago! At this point, I threw my keyboard into the wall beside me. God damn it, I was hoping for a random system, but this is too random. I don’t want to grind, I don’t want another Sandman or Flaregun. On top of this, AFK people in spawn got weapons, people spectating got weapons and people who died copiously got weapons. I just want all them too!
The last system worked perfectly, but it was flawed because it supposedly had ‘too much grinding involved’. I loved it - because I had fun unlocking them; trying to get taunt kills and do other odd things with my lovable Heavy, Pyro, Medic and Scout. I now have to grind even more - what’s the logic in that? What makes me even more angry that this is like teasing a child with a lollypop.

Valve: If you are reading this, just dish all of the unlockables out on release. Problem solved.

EDIT: Update’s broken.

Hello customer! MANN CO. Would like to congratulate you on your purchase of this guide to the use of the Personal Integral Safety Substance! Here are some suggested uses for our product. For intents of this guide, we will refer to the product by it’s acronym,  P.I.S.S.

Suggested Usages

P.I.S.S goes well with everything! Let’s look at its combative possibilities:

Team Player

Instructions: Uncap your P.I.S.S containment unit, being careful to avoid spilling the substance. When a large group of aggressors comes, throw  the unit at them, causing maximum devastation. Then switch to your favorite projectile weapon, and see who’s head is the softest.

Results: You and your teammates will have fun watching the enemy fall under your projectiles, and realizing that horrible people do horrible things to them.  Your Russian friends will proclaim your ability to assist the team in a credit like fashion!

No Spies Allowed

Instructions: When sensing a cloaking device being deactivated, use your P.I.S.S to short it out and kill the man responsible for disturbing your coffee break. Make sure to refill the containment unit afterward.

Results: Those spies will live in fear of your P.I.S.S! You’ll never have to worry about them again, for they have been shown who is the boss!

Firefighter

Instructions: Due to today’s harsh combat environment, one may see comrades burning from the atrocity that is a flamethrower. P.I.S.S, being unable to be set alight, can be used as an extinguisher in cases of emergency! Your teammates will never live in fear of flames again!

Results: The enemy Pyro will be inconsolable, your team mates will be shouting with joy, the praise you’ll receive, oh boy!

MANN Co. Approves!

MANN Co.: We sell products, and get in fights!

I admit to not understanding the joy of sniping. It’s because I’m awful, I’ll make no excuses, but even when I do get a headshot, it never seems worth it. Sneaking around or getting in the middle of the fight always seems more satisfying than killing people who don’t fight back and getting killed by people you never see coming.

This is probably the most overused picture on ubercharged

I know that this is not an uncommon viewpoint, but this is different, because I got to see the other side of the coin.

It is a rare privilege to get to truly understand what it feels like to be good at a class without actually getting good at the class. However, when blowing off stress playing some all crits mario kart, I found out something- with all crits, body shots do pretty much the same damage as head shots. Reveling in this, I proceeded to kill anything that touched my dot. It was massively fun, mowing people down with every shot and taking them right out of the air.

Then, when I’d racked up three dominations, it suddenly occurred to me what I was doing- I was getting to play a Sniper as if I was good. I got to see out of the eyes of someone who could get headshots at will, rather than my clumsy misses and luck. Suddenly, the joy of killing without even fighting was shown to me, and what I realised (other than those silly snipers on the other team need to be faster on the draw) was that the Sniper could be as much of a roadblock as a sentry. And so I dominated. And it was glorious.

Normally, it takes me a long time to write something, but something has spurred me on. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is now Day 7 of the update countdown and the Sniper has returned with something truly magnificent.

That’s right. It wasn’t a lie, it wasn’t a prank; Valve fooled us all and is now rubbing our faces in it! I am literally overcome by the hilarity of this, and am typing this as tears of laughter trickle down my face. JARATE IS REAL, my friends, and the future is filled with yellow! Not only will we have arrows soaring beside rockets and flares, but glorious arcing jars as well! There is still the question of how Jarate works: are they thrown, or do you have to get up close and smash them? However Jarate is practiced, just seeing that grand golden liquid slosh around in its regal receptacle has filled my head with dreams, dreams doused in a beautiful shade of bright yellow.

• Front-line combat! With the Jarate’s ability of adding 35% more damage, a player with good aim can easily render any opponent much more susceptable to his machine gun, bow and arrow, kukri or sniper rifle. One of these weapons won’t be usable with Jarate (it has to replace something), but that’s a small price to pay to splash a spy across the face with your own special sniper sauce.
• Support! Jarate isn’t just for enemies, but allies as well! Being set alight by a Pyro (of which there will be many thanks to the new spy items) can be most hazardous to one’s health, and Medics can’t heal everyone at the same time. Aid our German friends with some special Australian nectar!
• Taunt! Again, the question of how Jarate works must be raised. Does it work like the Sandman (throw a jar, then wait 10 seconds to ‘recharge’) or like the bonk (press ‘g’ to smash a jar to the ground like a ninja-smokebomb, only wetter)? However it works, it still means that there will be a taunt that involves a jar of bodily fluids. Can you see the possibilities? I can.

But do you want to know what I yearn for the most? I yearn for set-up time, sixty seconds of waiting for the doors to open, and while my fellows wait, I shall crack my jars open upon their heads, spilling my fluids over them. Then, they will switch to Sniper so that they can do the same to me. Jars will fly and the yellow will flow, and when our foes come, they shall not see angry eyes turned towards them, but joyous men skipping about and spraying golden nectar across the walls and each other.

And I shall be among them. Will you join me?