ubercharged.net

Well, we haven’t had one of these in a long time, have we? Since most of you who commented seem to have thought that my last article was serious and 100% true, I have to resort to some good old “copy style and paste” humour.  To the tune of “Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked” by Cage The Elephant…

I was walking to the point,
When out the corner of my eye,
I saw a fickle little thing approaching me.
He said “I’ve never seen a man,
So in need of a Medic,
Could you use a little company?”

Then scurrying like some mice,
The Scout called for the Medic thrice,
So the Medic healed him and sent him on his way.
I said “You’re such a nice honest guy,
Why you do this to yourself?”
He looked at me and this is what he said:

“Oh, there ain’t no rest for the Medic,
Ubers don’t grow on trees.
I got Heavies to save,
I got Soldiers to heal,
There ain’t any medkits left in this world for me.
And no I can’t slow down,
I can’t change class,
Though you know, I wish I could.
No there ain’t no rest for the Medic,
Until we disconnect for good”.

Not even fifteen minutes later,
I’m still walking to the point,
When I heard a beep of a gun hidden out of sight.
And then someone sweeps up from behind,
And puts a shotgun up to my head,
He made it clear he wasn’t looking for a fight.

He said “Get away from my buildings,
I want your promise not your life,
But if you try to attack them I won’t think twice.”
I told him “You can have my word,
But first you know I got to ask,
What made you want to live this kind of life?”

He said “There ain’t no rest for the Engie,
Sentries don’t grow on trees.
I got dispensers to make,
I got teles to build,
There ain’t any ammo kits left in this world for me.
And no I can’t slow down,
I can’t change class,
Though you know, I wish I could.
Oh no, there ain’t no rest for the Engie,
Until we disconnect for good”.

Now a couple rounds have passed,
And I was sitting at my spawn,
The game was winding down and coming to an end.
So I turned on the scoreboard,
And scanned over the points,
And what I saw I almost couldn’t comprehend.

I saw a sniping man just been banned he’d use hax for the last round,
He stuffed his point amount with unrighteous guaranteed kills.
But even still I can’t say much,
Because I know we’re all the same,
Oh yes we all seek out to get many kills.

You know there ain’t no rest for the Fortress,
Teamwork don’t grow on trees.
We got intel to cap,
We got carts to push,
There ain’t any weapons left in this world for free.
And no, we can’t slow down,
We can’t change class,
Though you know, we wish we could.
No there ain’t no rest for the Fortress,
Until we disconnect for good…

Indulge me dear reader; just the other day I was playing a game of Team Fortress Two with my good companion Sir Tygrys when an observation was made. Checking the scoreboards, one notices that many of you are sporting digital avatars that are ill-fitting for such a Gentle Manne’s game.

Now perhaps you can get away with this shameful display on other counties of the Internet, but this is Ubercharged; my companion and I agreed we must do something about it.

And so Sir Tygrys, being a master of the arts, began work producing a collection of Team Fortress 2 inspired portraits tailored for Gentle Menne with an eye for the latest in style. Before presentation I must insist that neither of us will be held responsible if, upon glancing these works of art, your monocle falls into your tea.

But without further ado allow me to present to you our works, complete with the accompanying press release from the newly formed T&T Industries:

T&T Industries is happy to announce the release of our very own avatar pack, more precisely the ‘T&T Industries Classy Classes Avatar Pack’.

This pack was specially designed for all of you who understand the need to be classy in all your digital ventures. This splendid pack comes in two styles: BLU and RED, to suit individual customer preferences. You will find that they have been readily scaled down to 184×184 pixels, so they are immediately ready to use on Steam the very moment you download them to your drive.

All of these spiffing avatars were made by two masters of fine art – Sir Tygrys Murdock and Sir Tesla Sherbonk, with extra thanks to Sir Dont for improving the quality of the original images. Should you encounter either of them during your exploits in digital space, be sure to bid them thanks; they’ll be ecstatic to hear their work is appreciated.

Now go ahead and enjoy this fine art as we have prepared for you.

Remember our motto – quality is of the utmost importance and we strive to satisfy all of our customers.

Signed: T&T Industries Chairman of marketing

Willbur McTrackingster

You can download the newly improved v2 pack HERE, thanks to our friend Dont. You may also wish peruse the full sized imagery whilst you await the cheeseboard. Lastly, to those of you whom have no interest in showing some class, may I perchance interest you in a job sweeping out my chimney?

Click for Full Size

It’s been one crazy year for Team Fortress 2, we’ve seen everything from stopping an ubercharge in its tracks with merely a baseball to splitting the community in half through WAR which left over 12,500,000 Soldiers and Demomen dead. This year, five more classes got their grubby little hands on all new toys; Scouts are now running around with the ability to stun enemies or give themselves a third jump, Snipers are taking aim with bows and arrows or fighting back with their own kind of karate. Spies are now making you wonder if they really are dead, Soldiers are rallying their teammates for glory on the battlefield and Demomen are charging into battle with swords and shields. 

This year also introduced us to hats, the “King of the Hill” and “Payload Race” game modes and 12 new maps. We finally got to “Meet the Spy,” Saxton Hale gave us Thrilling Tales, we got scared out of our socks by the ghost of Zepheniah Mann for trying to steal his hat and learned the true history to why RED and BLU are fighting.

As the year ends and takes the decade with it, we’d like to thank Valve and the TF2 community for giving us such a great year for our favourite game. We’d also like to thank all of you who visit the site and prowl through our forums. We hope to see you all in 2010!

A background version of the image can be found here.

Ladies and gentlemen… I’m about to live up to my name.

On a complete whim, and for no real reason whatsoever, I have decided to play exclusively pyro… for the next three months. I don’t really know why, and I’m sure by the end I’m gonna regret this a little, but hey. It’s in the name of science.

I’m going to enter the game when I publish this article, and from then until the first of April, I will not play anything except pyro.

Expect frequent updates, as well as other articles, and vastly increased playtime from me.

Unless, of course, I get sidetracked by the crafting simulator again.

EDIT:

Having recorded all of my stats, I’m resetting them. I’m upset about losing some things, like my medic stats, which are legit, but some of the others are broken and must be replaced. I also recorded my progress for Pyromancer and Chief of Staff, which were of course lost… although they didn’t appear to be until I earned towards Pyromancer.

Bummer.

As you’ve all been told thousands of times, this game requires good teamwork if you want to ensure victory for yourself. Some of you might think of teamwork as just running to your teammate’s aid and helping him take out that pyro, or chasing off that pesky scout, or healing him when he’s been clogged up with bullets. There’s more to it than that. It’s the small things that you do that can save time and frustration and lead to better teamwork and victory. When we ignore our team and fail to help them, our victory becomes captured like our control points. Here’s a few tips on what small things you can do to help your teammates:

Self Spy-Checking
Most people out there like to spycheck everyone they meet, mostly Engineers and Snipers. It’s an important tactic that people use to keep themselves and others safe from spies. Make your teammate’s life easier and spy-check yourself for them. That Heavy-Medic pair won’t have to stop and waste time checking you. That Pyro won’t have to run after you to check you. Best of all, your team won’t have to waste their ammo on nothing. Show that you really are on their side. Shoot the floor. Swing your melee weapon over and over. Or if you’re feeling jolly, taunt. Last time I checked, spies can’t do that. By doing this, your team has one less person to check and more time to upgrade that sentry or push forward and capture that point! This is especially useful for lowering the stress for Engineers. Upon approaching their sentry nest, you should always expose yourself as a teammate so that they won’t have to run at you with their wrench and waste time spy-checking you when there might be a real spy around or when they could be upgrading their buildings. Same deal with Snipers, although it might not matter because half the time they’re too busy looking in their scopes to even notice you walk past. Silly Snipers…

Run Towards Your Medic
Well, you just got injured real bad. Who ya’ gonna’ call? The Medic of course. But don’t expect your wonderful doctor to instamatically, automagically pop up right in front of you and hook you up. No sir! When you call for a Medic, save him the extra walk and calmly run up to him. There’s no sense in having your Medic run out into the open and put himself in danger of death by some sniper or scout. Remember, one less Medic means more pain for your team. Oh, and if you get to the Medic, don’t be one of those stupid people who runs circles around him and dies because the doc couldn’t get a fix on you.

Welcoming The New
Face it. It’s happened to us all at least once and will happen again sometime soon. A person new to TF2 joins your team and they’re doing a seriously crap job. They’re dying left and right, wasting ubers, the usual. Do you tell them to GTFO and uninstall the game? Do you tell them to ALT+f4 for free hats? Certainly not. The last thing you’d want to do is to discourage someone from becoming better at a game they seemingly enjoy. We all know the saying “practice makes perfect”, so it’s better to help a new person out then to ridicule them about how much they suck. Why, we all sucked when we first played TF2. And just how did we get so much better? We learned from our mistakes and other players. The next time you see a newbie on your team failing miserably, offer him a few helpful points such as:
• Don’t W+M1.
• Always check for spies.
• Don’t mindlessly charge out into the open.
• Shoot the ground near the enemy as a soldier.
• You can’t use the flamethrower underwater.
• A scout capping a point counts as two players.
You know, normal, everyday things that most players know. Although some may need to get used to the game, others are fast learners and can quickly become a good addition to your team.

Inform Your Team of Their Surroundings
It’s obvious isn’t it? It’s very helpful to inform your teammates of what’s going on around them, whether it be pointing out a spy, notifying your team of a well hidden sniper, or just advising there’s a pyro right around the corner. Telling your Medic with a ready ubercharge that there’s a spy behind him ready to stab will prevent a large amount of frustration. It means a great deal to engineers when you inform them what spies are disguised as and if they’re heading towards them or not. All it takes is simply yelling into your mic or quickly typing up a message in chat. Go with the sure thing. Watch your team’s back, and they’ll watch yours.

Just a couple of these small things can be very helpful to you and your team. Remember them, and a swell victory will be shared between you and your team.

Special Thanks to Tygrys for the gmod pics.

So we all know how you readers love video posts, but what if I said I had not one, not two, but two to the power of two videos for you today? Yes, I’ve sorted through the terrible G-modding and lazy dubbed gameplay videos to find four of the best Christmas videos of this year. Merry Christmas, Uberchargers!

So the new update has been live for a couple of days now. It brought us some cool and highly annoying unlocks (especially the Eyelander – I hate that frickin’ thing) but it also changed the normal TF life for us. And here I want to tell you what has changed for the fire–loving maniac – the Pyro – and some tips on how to better survive in this explosive madness.

Chapter 1: The Black Scotsmen

Well, most importantly, you still have to dodge Grenades and watch out for Sticky carpets. But besides that, the ways of fighting melee Demomen has changed; wild Scotsmen are charging around with their swords and it’s easier to survive the new Sticky Launcher. So let’s get straight to the point.

Eyelander + Chargin’ Targe combo

For some odd reason a WOODEN targe gives the Demoman protection against flames, so forget about using your Flamethrower (but not entirely). First things first: throw away the Flare Gun if you’re using it. Sure, sniping people from far away and pissing off those damned Snipers sure is fun, but it won’t help you defeat the Scotsmen. So instead equip the old but reliable Shotgun and listen to this. When you see a Demoman dumb enough to charge you, let him taste your Shotty. By the time he’s halfway to you he should be pretty much dead. Although if he isn’t, don’t go for a fair melee fight. Step aside and when he flies past you, puff him with your Flamethrower, airblast him, and as he tries to kill some air swinging his sword wildly, run up to him and greet him with your Axtinguisher. Congratulations! You achieved your objective of killing him without him even touching you, and also caused some MASSIVE rage from his side. Even if he has only either the Eyelander or the Chargin’ Targe, the same advice applies.

The Scottish Resistance

Now this one is fun to fight against. You see, the Demoman can’t randomly detonate his Stickies when he has this unlock equipped. He has to actually aim at them. So this gives us a perfect opportunity to pass the field without much fighting. Just check your surroundings and if you don’t see any Demomen staring at the Stickies you’re about to cross, you’re pretty much free to go. If, however, you spot a Demoman who’s seen you there are two ways of dealing with it. First option – find an alternate route. Second option – if he’s close enough, you should try to scare him off with your Shotgun. If he’s within medium range, he’ll retreat after three or four hits screaming for a Medic, and you’ll be free to pass.

Chapter 2: The American Civilian Soldier

Yeah, this fellah here will actually change your play style a little, mainly due to one of his new unlocks – the Direct Hit. This will force you to be a little bit more stealthy than you were before, because you won’t be able to charge around as freely as you could before the update. But… that’s pretty much it. Anyway:

The Direct Hit

As I mentioned before, you will be forced to be more aware of the enemy Soldiers. This is because of the speed at which the missile from this weapon travels and the damage it deals when you’re hit. Sure, it’s still possible to reflect these rockets, but it’s really hard. Think of airblasting a Hunstman arrow. It’s really similar in this case. Second thing – damage. Even when you’ve lost just 30 HP you can be one shotted by the Soldier. Moreover, if you even just jump and the rocket hits you, it will count as an airshot and will give the Soldier a minicrit which will instagib you- even at full health. So pretty much the only semi–safe way of fighting this weapon is by catching Soldiers off guard from a place where they can’t see you or ambushing them. Also, when doing so try to not jump if it’s not necessary. That random rocket may hit you and kill you. You can also try to fight him with your Shotgun at medium range, but it isn’t really effective. So be aware of these enemies, as they’re one of the toughest foes you will run into (for now – until a possible update to the unlocks comes out).

The Equalizer a.k.a. the Imbalizer

Well this one is one hell of a overpowered unlock here. When you’re below 40 HP you instakill every class that has 150 HP and less AND on top of that your speed is raised to that of a Scout. But despite all of that it is pretty easy to fight simply because when you see a Soldier dashing at you with his Equalizer out, you just know that he’s really low on health. So again you pull out your old, reliable Shotgun and load him full of buckshot when he comes into medium range. Usually one shot is more than enough to kill such a threat. However if he catches you off guard at close range you’re pretty much dead unless you have catlike reflexes and you can turn around and kill him in the very second he hits you.

Now before you complain about it in the comments, I didn’t cover the Buff Banner or the Gunboats because they aren’t really weapons. The Buff Banner is a “weapon” that affects teammates so think of it as a glorified Jarate. Fight it the same ways you fight when you’re covered in piss – just hide and wait till the effect wears off and then go and kill ‘em.

So good luck, fellow Pyros, and kill as many of those damned explosive using classes as you can.

Oh, and Merry Christmas from Central Europe to all you Uberchargers out there!

Thanks to Tesla Tank for the title as I couldn’t come up with anything good.

Congratulations go out to Team Soldier, for their recent victory over Team Demoman. Our games have now updated and both classes been issued with a surplus of shiny new toys just in time for Christmas.

No sooner than after we’d been having fun with our new toys, another war began. I am of course referring to the war on the Steam Forums; wherein debate over why each and every new unlockable is overpowered/underpowered continues even now, soaked in bilious vulgarity and contempt.

Let’s get down to the crunch of the matter; I’m not here to discuss the new unlocks, or complain about why they’re not fair. I’m here to talk to you about the class that benefits the most from this update (at least as far as decently sized public servers are concerned); the Scout, and more precisely to tell you WHY, and HOW my fellow scouts can easily turn this update in their favour, by discussing the two updated classes and their unlocks. And I’m going to do it with a level of arrogance and cock-certainty that only a scout player could truly understand. Don’t listen to that Paper fellow, winning all the time is a great thing.

It’s here that the typical soldier, should he somehow have managed to survive this long, would reach for his shotgun and attempt to fend you off with that. No dice, he’s traded that in for a pair of ‘magic’ boots, or maybe even a musical instrument. Laugh some more as he slowly attempts to reload his new gun, and then maybe consider putting him out of his misery.

In this near death state, he might now resort to bringing out the last, gleaming piece of hope that he has in his backpack; the Equaliser. And moves at you with a speed that would almost rival your own. Perhaps he expects you to draw your own melee weapon, and fight him with some ‘honour’. Or maybe he just intends to dig his own grave with the damn thing. Either way, don’t wait around to find out, shoot him dead now. And remember, if you see a soldier sprinting towards you with his Equaliser drawn, it means his health is low enough that you can one-shot him. He’s practically asking for it.

The Drunken Duelists – Demomen

Demomen were never really much of a threat anyway. Their explosive spam has always been much easier to avoid than the Soldier’s, and he’s always had much more of it to avoid than the tin hatted meathead. Well now, perhaps as part of some drunken bet, he’s traded most of his stockpile away for some close combat gear. Close combat is of course, your forte, so why not show him how it’s done.

Shields are an antiquated weapon, and have no place on the modern battlefield; the Chargin’ Targe is no different. Back in the day, bold Scotsmen would charge headlong against their enemy’s line of explosive & incendiary firearms, using their shields to protect them from incoming fire. A technique that is completely ineffective against modern tactics, such as moving out of the way as he runs at you and shooting holes through the shield with a real man’s gun. Or, if you don’t have a real man’s gun, the Force-A-Nature; not only will it knock him back and cause him to fall short, but it’ll line him up nicely for a second, killing shot.

And that is how you sum up that; Scouts enjoy your new update. Don’t rage at me too hard when the occasional competent player figures out how to use those weapons properly either; that’s not my fault – they’re probably just hacking. Oh and have a Merry Christmas now the war is over.

Once again, thanks go to Tygrys for the Gmod images. You can find the full wallpaper sized pics here.

There’s a lot to hate about the Dead Ringer.

It’s widely accepted that most people stopped reliably falling for disguises when looking straight at a player about five days after Team Fortress 2 left closed beta. The disguise isn’t useless, for sure- it keeps sentries from killing you, out of the corner of your eye, if you see the enemy colour you’ll spin around and if you see a friendly you won’t, and in the middle of battle you won’t spy check much. But it’s not as powerful a tool as it used to be, even as it’s tweaked to be more and more believable.

Because of this, a lot of spies use invisibility as their only tool to get behind the enemy and sneak up to their target. If you’re that kind of spy, you’ll probably have dismissed the Dead Ringer right away. Not only can you not uncloak near your target without an ear splitting racket giving you away, but you can’t cloak at will and if you’re even a single percent under full cloak, you can’t cloak at all. With either other watch, uncloaking is still annoyingly loud, but it can be drowned out to some extent by the sounds of battle. And with those watches, even a silver of cloak is enough to make you invisible for at least a moment.

However, the main problem I’ve always had with the Dead Ringer is that it’s so buggy it makes the backstab look accurate.

It often seems to have a delay between when it pops open and when it’s actually going to activate. It will extinguish flames, but Jarate stays on you. You can refill from dispensers, but no shimmer and damage reduction stop after 6.5 seconds. If someone activates your Dead Ringer, it counts as killing you while invisible and gives out false achievements. Ragdoll physics snap in half when the DR is involved. And last but not least, it hands out false dominations and revenges. Dominating a DR spy? Well if you activate his DR, it might just say you got revenge on him. One kill away from a domination on a player and they activate your DR? Well now they’re apparently dominating you, and they just earned Ghastly Gibus Grab. And this is leaving aside the problem of lag causing you to be killed after your Dead Ringer has come up because their bullets are compensated and your watch is not.

But obviously I like the Dead Ringer, or I wouldn’t have made a cheap Dr. Strangelove reference in the title. So what’s so good about it that I can get over all those problems? Two things.

The first thing is that the Dead Ringer allows you to play as aggressively as you want. With the invisibility watch, once you stab someone mid-battle you’re most likely dead. The glut of other enemies hanging around will make it hard to escape even if you do cloak up, because splash or stray bullets will reveal you and tear you to bits. With the Cloak and Dagger, playing aggressively is basically the devil, since it’ll take you an age and a half to get over to enemy lines again, and with the normal watch you likely won’t manage to stay invisible long enough to lose the heat even if you do escape the scene (which you probably won’t.)

However, if you’re using the Dead Ringer, you can stab whenever you feel like it. Sniper with Soldiers hanging around? Big deal. Stab the Sniper and make your escape. Heavy tearing up your team, but with an attentive Medic ready to milk you for an uber? No uber for him, you’ll be gone after one hit. The Dead Ringer is untouchable when it comes to escapes. While some of the enemies will suspect you’re faking it, a lot of them are going to fall for the fake death. Fire is extinguished when it activates, damage is toned down so stray bullets are unlikely to kill you, and most importantly, being damaged won’t cause any flicker effect.

And with that point we come to the second thing, and the reason for the first part of the title. The Dead Ringer gives you FULL invisibility. There’s no “translucent outline” like when you try to sneak around with no cloak using the Cloak and Dagger, no team-coloured shadow like when a wild minigun bullet clips you with normal watches, and short of fire and jarate, nothing in the world is going to show anyone where you are outside of them walking straight into you- and as far the game tells them, you’re dead and gone. And even if you are aflame and being chased by an angry Pyro, the damage resistance means you’ve got a very good chance of surviving until your cloak runs out, giving you six and a half seconds to get back to your team, which last time I checked was about 6.45 seconds more than the normal watch will buy you if you’re on fire.

So yes, you might be a little less in control of your invisibility with the Dead Ringer, and you might be tied to metal more, but to me, that’s a fair price to pay to completely disappear when I hit right click.

Hello, Scout Players.

I, Paper Shadow, being of sound mind, would like to tell you something.
You are all:

Quick.
Little.
Virgin.
Bastards.

Come on, you may have your mouth wide open, fingers ready to type “You’re lying!” or “You’re an idiot!”, but deep down, you know it to be true. Think about it, with these simple questions:

Which Class is the fastest?
Which Class was the youngest of eight brothers?
Which Class has a Mother that is sleeping with the Spy?
Which Class is a bastard?

If you said “Scout” for all of the questions, then you see why he is what he is.
If not, then whack yourself in the face. Several times. Until you see the errors of your ways.

Of course, you may still continue to argue that the Scout is not what I say he is. I understand that. Except, I’m lying. I don’t understand that. How could you ignore my logical points of logic? No matter, I have more points that you can do nothing but agree with. Because I said so…

First, he is too fast!

There is no denying it. The Scout is fast. Too fast. Waaaaaaaaaaaay too fast. In fact, I would go as far to say he is so fast, he teleports around. No, that’s not because I have a low FPS, and I play on servers on the other side of the world, it’s because the Scout is far too fast for such a fast-paced game like Team Fortress 2. His speed breaks it completely.

Take, for example, a round on Badlands I had a week ago. I was playing as a Spy, and I was trying to catch up to a Scout. I was running, and running, and running, but I never caught up with him. He just zoomed ahead of my normal speed class. I removed the mask from my face, put my Gibus back on, and proceeded to yell profanities into the air. A Pyro, and one that hated people who wore hats out of place or out of season, spotted me from behind, disguise-less, DR-less, and too occupied with my excessive swearing to notice any enemies, and rushed towards me, Backburner ready. Needless to say, I was more burnt than a Sunday Dinner cooked by a drunk Demoman…

All because the Scout is far too fast.

So what would I do to fix this, if I worked at Valve? Well, there is two ways to fix this, without having to remove the Scout (although that works too). First, make the Scout slower. Slower than a Spy, but faster than a Demoman. If anyone asks, say that this is because the Scout recently got hooked on Pizza. Although his character model doesn’t look different, the Scout became fatter and slower than usual. The other solution is to give every class a buggy to drive around, so they can travel really fast, and since everyone is going fast, than no one will be. It would also make CTF maps a lot more fun for those who dislike them…

Second, they are not Soldiers OR Demomen!

You’ve heard it here first folks. Killing Scouts did not help Soldiers or Demomen unlock the secret item during war. A crime I say! But once again, you feel that you must intervene. “But wait, oh crazy one,” you say. “Can’t you say that about any class other than the Soldier and the Demoman?” I could, but there is one major reason why I have chosen Scout. He has the destructive force of the Soldier and the Demoman COMBINED!

Look at this from a competitive point of view. Here is some random guide on Competitive TF2 for those who aren’t too sure about it. Anyway, the average 6v6 team is made up of two Scouts, two Soldiers, a Demoman, and a Medic. A competitive team has had many years to learn the best combination of classes. There is only one Demoman and Medic because they are too weak, and you need power. A second Medic, although you’ll have a higher chance for ubercharges, and possibly two ubercharges at once, would cost one of you power people, and wouldn’t be worth it. The Demoman may have lots of stickies at his disposal, but they take time to use. Speed equals power, my friends (refer to point one of this article)…

So, you have two Scouts and two Soldiers. Surely, the big muscular warmongers with 200 health and rocket launchers are stronger than the itsy-bitsy baseball player with 125hp. But no, it is the Scouts which are stronger. One of the Soldiers can be almost always found being healed by the team’s Medic. That’s right, one of the Soldiers has to be overhealed all the time. Meanwhile, both of the Scouts, who each have less than half the health of the overhealed Soldier, are running around free to cause as much havoc as they want. And being such jackasses, they will do as much as possible!

So, take note people. The only way we can counter such power is by taking the term Fragile Speedster to the extremes. I’m talking about 35 health, and his weapons deal 50% less damage. I’m sure you’ll find that these numbers make perfect sense, and allow the Scout protection from fall damage or stray shots, and makes sure he doesn’t die immediately when he has the Sandman. Oh, and just in case you feel that 35hp makes the Scout underpowered (which, for your information, is impossible), then here’s a little treat for you: having BONK! increases your max health by 15hp. Isn’t that super awesome?

Finally, the Scout can fly!

I’m not pulling your leg here. I haven’t lied once during this article, and as we draw closer to the close, I plan on continuing my truthful and reliable ramblings until you realise how overpowered the Scouts are. And if the previous two good points did not sway your opinion, then this one will really blow you away! It’s about one minute in…

You seeing this? No other class is gonna do that! Thanks to EvilDaedalus for the filming of such devilry (along with some other, not as important stuff) so we can see the witchcraft of a Scout.  Give this man a donation and a community weapon!

Only the Scout could do that. Other classes can go airborne, yeah, but none of them have the amount of control and airtime the Scout has. He just kept going up and down, up and down. No effort needed, all you had to do was aim those stunballs and watch them fly. Gentlemen, this is a problem for all of us. Man, Woman, or Child, if there is a Scout flying by, there is no escape…

So what do we do to fix this? Sadly, this is one of those things that can not be fixed. We can either remove this, or the Scout. And, personally, I feel that removing the Scout is for the best. Give his weapons to other classes. I’m sure the Demo would like a drink that can be him dodge everything for a small while, and the Sniper could think of a few things a baseball that stuns could do, such as prevent a Engineer with two pistols from getting too close. ‘Tis for the best. Trust me.

So, Scout Players, I hope you realise how much your hero sucks. I know it is hard to understand or believe, but this is hard facts. I mean, there are eight equally enjoyable and funny classes. Don’t be addicted to the Boston Batter. Put some variety in your diet. For the Scout is too strong, and if you are too strong, then where is the fun in constantly wiping out waves of opponents, laughing manically as the number of dominations you have rise, and never fall, and watch the land transform, as if the devil himself declared war on your enemies, from the clean fields into a world covered in red blood, with just one clean spot, signifying that there is a hope that a hacker will join and end your rampage, but both you and your foes know that will never happen. And then have it all end when the round does, leaving you sad inside, partly because it is over, but mainly because you do that every single round…

Yep, there’s no fun in winning all the time…