Well, with the scout update already released, evaluated, ripped apart, reviled, praised and ignored by pretty much the entire community, I think we need some silly science to cheer everyone up.

I’ve decided to go with a more episodic route with the series, with a specific topic each post. So, today’s topic: Medical Mysteries: the medic, and the health system in general.

Pain Tolerance aka Not Dying When You Should

So, I’ve seen that quite a few of you want to know why people don’t explode instantly on contact with a direct rocket, or how the scout keeps running despite several pistol shots to the knees. The answer is quite simple.

Armor and Force fields.

Yes, each class has his own armor system on his person. The armor isn’t really “armor” in the sense of Gordon Freeman’s HEV suit, but more of a complex force field system. The armor doesn’t stop rockets, explosives and BABY BOOLETS from harming its user, but it does keep him from falling apart. While a rocket to the face will horribly disfigure any normal human being, those using the TF Industries armor field will only experience the horrible, blinding initial pain of the rocket, but none of the lasting damage or dull pain.

The armor has a limited energy source that represents itself as “HP.” When the HP is spent from damage, the armor basically says “screw it” and gives up on the wearer, causing his body to collapse. Thus, taking three rockets to the face won’t kill a heavy immediately, but if he so much as looks at a sharp piece of paper, all of his previous injuries catch up with him and he dies instantly.

All of the armor fields are not the same, though. The scout, engineer, sniper and spy all use the standard-issue armor, while the rest of the soldiers use their own modified armor system. The heavy has the most advanced, which allows him to punch a helmet-wearing soldier in the head with his bare fists with no repercussions.

The Medigun

Ah, the medigun. Such an elegant and complex piece of technology. While it is easy to believe that the medigun simply emits a beam of magical medicine, that is simply not the case. The medigun in fact emits a compound of stem cells and blood plasma in a gaseous form that is directed by a magnetic field and electricity (This compound will henceforth be called “magical medicine gas”). The gas is absorbed by the skin and quickly heals any injuries and douse flames. Also, the medigun has another interesting feature. It absorbs damaged material off of a person’s body when it is latched onto them. These damaged cells are stored and later used to help power the ubercharge.

So, the medigun is less like this:

And more like this:

The Overheal

The overheal is a strange aspect of the medigun. Once a person has been fully healed, they also gain a bit of extra durability for a few minutes. The stem cells released by the medigun, if they aren’t immediately replacing damaged tissue that is being removed by the medigun, will hang out on the surface of the body and absorb a small amount of incoming damage. The residue will eventually dissolve after remaining out in the open for a moment.

Charge Rates

The ubercharge is created from two sources: energy and “pure” stem cells (henceforth known as “ubercells”). The energy portion of the charge is generated by the medigun itself, and is what is charged while the medic is healing a healthy patient. The ubercells, however, are a bit harder to procure. While they are generated very slowly by the medigun itself, in which case they are simply residue of the magical medicine gas, they are also made from the damaged cells that are absorbed from a patient. The medic cannot take healthy ubercells away from a patient without seriously injuring them, so he has to wait for them to be injured by an outside source to let his “weapon” do its thing.

The Ubercharge

The Ubercharge. Eight seconds of invulnerability. The ultimate goal of the medic during any combat situation. When the uber is activated, the medic simultaneously releases both the ubercells stored in his medigun along with all the energy that has been collected. The energy is directed into the patient’s personal energy field, supercharging it and making it absorb impacts. The ubercells are released into both the patient and medic, making any injuries that somehow slip through the energy fields regenerate instantly. The charge, sadly, can only last for a few seconds due to the very limited capacity of the medigun’s ubercharge storage container.

Other Medical Equipment

The Kritzkrieg

The kritzkrieg is an interesting piece of technology. It charges much faster than the medigun because of a simple fact: it doesn’t have to absorb ubercells. Instead, it is rigged so that all of its systems are focused on generating energy. When the kritzcharge is released, its energy is directed into the patient’s weapon and nanobot factory, forcing the critical hit effect. The kritzkrieg can only work for eight seconds, otherwise the nanofactory and weapon would quite literally melt the patient.

You can’t even see my meticulously-posed Kritzkrieg. Stupid fire.

The Ubersaw

The Ubersaw is simply a way for the medic to break rule number one of the ubercharge: don’t take living cells away from patients. Since he doesn’t really give a crap about enemies, the saw allows him to make his own ubercells by ripping them out of the other team.

Above: Science and poorly-posed Gmod models.

The saw absorbs any ubercells that come into contact with the little needle thingy. When the saw is put away, the ubercells are released and stored in the medic’s backpack for future use.

The Blutsauger

(Conspiracy theory)

The Blutsauger was the result of the medic’s little experiments in the occult. He made a deal with a demon that for every bit of damage he caused an enemy with the bluts, the demon would heal some of his own health. The demon gets blood or something from the needles, I guess.

(Actual theory)

Upon striking, the blutsauger syringes pull back and absorb blood plasma from the target and use a miniature teleport system to transfer it back to the medic. This plasma doesn’t heal quite as well as the stem cells, but it does work…somehow.

Medicine and health packs

I probably should have explained how these work earlier.  Anyways, the various health packs laying about the landscape are both stem cell supplements and energy chargers. They give both health and power the force field of whoever steps on them back up. Simple as that.

So, that’s all for today’s episode of HowTFWorks. Next time, we’ll be Solving a Practical Problem. Just go ahead, guess who it’s about. I dare you.

“Useless.” This is a harsh, harsh word. I hear it thrown around a whole lot when I’m playing TF2, (usually alongside the incessant whining of “my team, my team”) and it gets thrown around very lightly.

Some players use it to describe people who are giving it their best and failing, while others reserve it for people who are literally not moving and doing nothing. When you think about it, to actually be useless, that is, not assisting your team in any way, you have to do some spectacular things. Now, I’m not saying that anyone that has done these things is a bad player; I’ve done a good deal of these in my time. We were all new once, that’s no reason to curse oneself and pound one’s chest in regret. We must learn from our mistakes as a value-free team member. But what does it take for someone to have no value to a team, whatsoever? Or hell, even negative value? Let’s take a look.

First off, to put a preemptive stop to the inevitable “what if they just stand still” or “they could be running into walls and not doing anything”, I plan on covering instances in which players can be attempting to help, and failing spectacularly.

Scout:

It’d be very easy to just up and say “Scouts that use bats only,” but I have known some players that are absolutely horrifying with a bat. There are, however, Scout players that make a living by constantly and zealously trying to do what their class is (ostensibly) designed for, that is, pushing the cart, nabbing the intel, and capping points. These Tunnel Vision Scouts blindly charge into battle for the glory of their respective corporation. However, blind pursuit of this goal is no more helpful to your team than someone who practices their aim on their own teammates as they leave the spawn. Sure, Valve may have touted the Scout as someone perfect for such goals, what with the double cap speed and being so fleet of foot, but it’s hard to accomplish said goals when all you’re throwing at the enemy is a finely shredded medley of messenger bags and meat cubes. A single sentry can turn this well-meaning player into nothing more than another point for the Red Engineer. Moreover, you could argue that the Tunnel Vision Scout is hampering your team by allowing some lucky Red Soldier to increase his recent damage done, thereby cranking up his crit chance. Nasty.

I’ve heard a few people try to defend the Tunnel Vision Scouts, citing the idea that even pushing the cap timer an inch or keeping their team ‘guessing’ is worth all the deaths and humiliation in the world. On a capture point map, this is moot; any progress gained on the capture timer is automatically reset in mere moments. I can almost see the merit of this on payload maps, as this stops the cart from moving backwards, and on capture the flag maps, where touching the intel resets the timer, but that assumes that the Scout lives long enough to reach these items, which, in the case of a good defense, rarely happens. As for ‘keeping the enemy guessing,’ after two gibbed scouts, the pattern emerges and there isn’t any more ‘guesswork’ involved. This Scout would be more useful by merely zig-zagging back and forth in the middle of the field and bumping into cloaked Spies. Sure, that’s a long shot, but jumping headlong into a spun-up Heavy or a level 3 sentry isn’t any better.

Soldier:

The useless Soldier is rarely seen. Here we have a class that can assist its teammates by merely throwing rockets in the general direction of the other team and hoping for the best. However, I have encountered a special breed of Soldier, indeed, a fairly useless one; the Vertically-Obsessed Soldier. This is the guy who, upon spawning (namely, on Blu team) will automatically start rocket jumping forward to the objective. If there’s a health pack on the way, a good Soldier will stop and pick it up before continuing, or at least call for a Medic. However, the Vertically-Obsessed Soldier will continue on rocket jumping until he’s reached the front lines, probably in some ill-begotten blood lust. The problem is, that once he’s on the front lines, he has maybe thirty hit points and an empty clip of rockets. Sure, he got there before even the Scout that spawned with him, but he is now merely a free point for a roving Engineer to claim with his pistol.

Even worse are the Soldiers that rocket jump right into battle and immediately fire a rocket point-blank at a Heavy or jump on top of a dispenser to fire at it from above. This, of course, ends in nothing more than a shower of blood and bits for the target. Suddenly, the Blu offensive has lost its first man to the fight, and the Red team is now on full alert. The ubercharged Demoman that follows close behind has the Vertically-Obsessed Soldier to thank for the two airblasting Pyros now ready to fight after being awoken by the Soldier’s failed attack.

Pyro:

Pyro isn’t an easy class to play well; most Pyros resort to suicidal charges to confuse and ignite. However, even this is helpful, as a suicidal Pyro can stop a rush dead in its tracks while the opposing Medics scramble to extinguish their comrades. However, with last year’s addition of the compression blast, a new breed of Pyro has emerged; the Hot Shot. To be a Hot Shot means to rely entirely on your airblast and ignore the fact that the flamethrower can actually throw flames. I’ve seen it a million times. The Hot Shot is so infatuated with the airblast that he actually refrains from burning anything, as if he does, he removes one of the eight airblast shots he has upon spawning. This guy will charge headlong at a Soldier, spamming Mouse 2 and hoping for a crit so he can live up to his namesake achievement. However, as anyone who has played Pyro in any amount knows, the airblast’s delay is out of sync with the rocket launcher’s delay, and while one can reflect the first rocket, it’s hard to reflect the next.

Usually, all the Hot Shot ends up accomplishing is wasting ammo (for both him and his target) and getting shredded by the bullet-based classes that he ignores (you can’t reflect bullets, after all). Sure, he may get lucky once in a while, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. In the meantime, he is running to his death, not setting anyone on fire, and denying his team an invaluable ubercharge defense. For the defense, the final point on the final stage of Dustbowl needs Pyros, but this one is busy watching that respawn timer tick down. Too bad; he could have been extremely useful.

Demoman:

Here we have another class with a fairly steep learning curve. Again, any Demo can just throw grenades at the enemy team and be marginally useful, but it’s when Demomen try to be clever that they pass into the realm of true uselessness. There is a Demoman, the Spiderweb Demoman, that thinks he’s beaten the system. He thinks that he has figured out how to beat the scouts that are giving him so much trouble. You find this Spiderweb Demoman chiefly on CTF maps, although he can be found on CP maps as well. He surrounds the intelligence with a perimeter of mines about two meters away in every direction, counting on the speed of the intel carrier to match up exactly with the delay of his reaction time. In his mind, he’s a genius; he’s got the perfect trap set up to foil any would-be thieves. Thinking this, he leaves the intelligence room completely, perhaps to run to the battlements and lob grenades aimlessly into the air. If he doesn’t get sniped or backstabbed, he lies in wait, sweating and stroking his right mouse button, daring someone to touch his intel.

Finally, the moment arrives; the Announcer’s voice rings in his ears that some dastardly fiend has saw fit to lay their grubby hands on the intel. Grinning to himself, the Demoman detonates, expecting to get credit for not only a kill, but a defense. However, nothing comes through. The mines detonate harmlessly, and the Scout is now halfway out of the base. You see, the Demoman’s sticky mines are giant red pieces of candy that even a Tunnel Vision Scout can see lying on the floor. All it takes is a double jump over them, or a moment’s hesitation on the intel spawn to avoid damage. However, this doesn’t deter the Spiderweb Demoman. While the rest of his team is in a panic, chasing down the offender carrying the intelligence, he’s back in the intel room, merrily spinning a new web, waiting for the next fly to land on it.

Heavy:

As with Scouts, I know some Heavies that are deadly with their melee weapons, so I think you’ll be disappointed if you scrolled through to this point hoping for me to bash the punchy fatties. No, there is an entirely different sect of the Heavy clan that has made a point to be particularly unhelpful. I am talking, of course, about the King Heavy. Once in a while you’ll see a defensive Heavy on Badwater trying to climb the rock pillars that overlook the tunnel; he, of course, is looking for a good spot to sit and spin up, one that will give him a clear shot of everyone and a view of the entire battlefield. However, in doing this, he conveniently forgets that not only is his fat head a magnet for sniper bullets, but the $200 bullets he fires are woefully inaccurate. This King Heavy has succeeded in establishing a place far above the rest of the competitors from which he can laugh maniacally and shower death down upon his subjects, but his will is done only if he gets a lucky crit streak. Otherwise, he is merely something to shrug at, a minor inconvenience to the Blu team that will deal with him at their leisure.

This is apparent on other maps, as well. On Steel, often times you’ll see a defensive heavy sitting in the window that overlooks the final point from the initial point, waiting for a tricky Blu scout to attempt capture. If someone sneaks through and manages to land on the point, the heavy opens fire from his high perch overlooking the action. In the meantime, the offending Scout sits on the point, twiddling his thumbs, only vaguely aware of the peas trickling down from the window. The King Heavy has got it into his head that from a high perch, he can end the lives of any of his opponents, safe from Spies and Pyros, but all he is doing is inviting a Sniper’s bullet and removing a valuable asset to his team that is tied up elsewhere, getting harassed by Scouts.

Engineer:

Yes, yes, an Engineer that refuses to build any buildings is definitely not helping much, but the shotgun is lethal, and it never hurts to have another set of munition flying forward towards the squishy flesh of the opposing team. There are certain Engineers, however, who have adopted a wonderfully horrid tactic. The Lonely Engineer is a pessimistic type who doesn’t have any faith in his team’s ability to win. On 5 point push-pull maps, you’ll find this Engineer right outside the initial spawn, creating a death zone, complete with a poorly placed level 3 sentry, a teleporter that takes him back to the spawn from his nest (for more metal) and a level 1 dispenser that he used to initially climb up to the perch he is now inhabiting. This might actually be useful, if his team were losing. However, the Lonely Engineer only shows his face when he’s part of a particularly coordinated team that is, if they’re not pushing forward, at least holding their own.

So, here he sits, alone on the final capture point, eyes darting side to side with paranoia and distrust, firing at every teammate that strolls into the room. He is, at least, in the right there. Any teammate that strolls into the room is most certainly a Spy, as his highly productive team is off on the other side of the map, fighting, winning, celebrating. No matter how far they progress, however, the Lonely Engineer sits on his 0 kills sentry, content in the knowledge that his team will slip up, they will be pushed back to the final point, and when they do, he’ll be ready. He’ll be ready, and they will thank him. Any time now.

Medic:

To clear things up, the two Medics that are chain-ubering each other using the ubersaw are not useless. In many situations, skilled double-uber medics can actually stop an entire team’s offensive as they try to stop the medic team in a blind rage. However, the Assistant Medic is useless. This Medic sits in back, healing the Sniper, because he’s the only reliable guy on the team, the only person who is consistently getting kills and not dying. Because of this, the Assistant Medic attaches to him (commonly seen on the battlements of 2fort) and doesn’t let go, racking up the free kills and getting points for healing. When his uber is full, he cleverly ubers the Sniper, allowing him to become invulnerable to other Snipers for a short time and go on a rampage.

This medic can also be seen attached to camping Demomen, the ones that aren’t even in any real danger, as they’re only waiting at obscure chokepoints for Spies and Scouts to roll through. The Demoman detonates, and the Medic gets an assist, having never been put in danger. The Medic may think that he’s being helpful by keeping an important combat class buffed and fully healed, but the Heavy slowly burning to death across the map as his body falls limp on an empty health pack spawn point might disagree.

Sniper:

The Sniper is pretty much universally useless.

Naaaah, I’m just messing with you. It’s no secret that I’m a terrible Sniper, and whenever I press “comma 8” I’m pretty much hampering my team, but there is a special place in my heart for the Anti-Sniper (also known as the Weighted Companion Sniper). You know the one. The self-proclaimed *~HEADSHOT MASTER~* that sits on top of the battlements, in the bunker, in the top window, and so forth, only aiming to take out the other Anti-Sniper that’s currently sitting directly across from him. Soldiers and Heavies move around too much, so the Anti-Sniper can’t be bothered to waste one of his precious twenty-five shots on them. He instead saves his ammo for the other Snipers that are aiming to do the same thing he is; rack up their headshot percentage. It is true that eliminating other Snipers is a noble goal, in most situations, but this Sniper lacks the skill to take out the diversified Sniper. They’re the good ones, the ones that pop Medics off of Heavies and take out Spies that are about to make their move. These Snipers make short work of the Anti-Sniper, so he avoids conflict with them, choosing only to target the weak Snipers that pose no threat to his team.

Now, I can get behind a Sniper that is actively trying to improve his skill by practicing, because one day, in the distant future, he might just land the Heavy headshot that he so desperately covets. These, however, seem to be few and far between compared to the ones that slowly strafe back and forth, dragging their dot across the enemy Sniper nest, hoping that the lag works out in their favor and they net two points from the experience. However, they usually just get a bullet in the head or a knife in the back. Sometimes both. I like those times.

Spy:

Our venture into the realm of uselessness comes to a close with the Sapping Spy. “Now, hold on, just a minute! I happen to know that sapping sentries is a primary goal of all Spies!” Yeah, you’re right. It is! And a Spy that is sap-happy is okay in my book. However, that sap-happy Spy had better be prepared to back up his saps with a few well-placed stabs. There are too many Spies out there that are content to sap everything in sight and then take off like a bat out of hell. The Sapping Spy feels like his only job is to sap, and that his team will pick up the slack and rush in the moment they hear the Engineer’s pained cries. This isn’t how it works out, however, and the Sapping Spy ends up looking ridiculous. He gives the Engineer a bit of a job, what with having to run around wrenching his buildings, but since the Sapping Spy works alone, the sentry nest was in no real danger to begin with.

I sometimes wonder what goes through the head of the Sapping Spy as he’s about to decloak and make his move. Does he think that sappers cannot be removed? Does he think that his team is constantly ready just behind the gate, waiting for his signal to attack? Is he even paying attention to the game? Alas, extensive testing has been halted many times. Each Spy that I’ve attempted to interview has merely sapped my computer and run away.

As I mentioned at the start, people filling these roles aren’t necessarily bad people or griefers; they may just be new, they may not know any better. Make sure, then, if you come across a specimen of pure uselessness, to point out their errors and offer them advice to better themselves. In most cases, they’ll happily accept and work to better themselves, which is fantastic! If they don’t, however, beg the server’s admin to turn on friendly fire. Just for a second.

So here we are, TF’ers. Four class updates in with at least five more yet to come.

The theme of each update is always the same. Servers from Alaska to New Zealand fill with overwhelming numbers of a single class. First it was medics. Then it was pyros. Then it was heavies. Now, it’s scouts. But what happens to those of us who are not interested in farming achievements to get the new weapons on the first day (i.e. those of us who farmed 22 achievements on our own private server and pretended not to care)?

While many may lament the excessive numbers of scouts ineptly running about playing with their new toys, it means wonderful things for a crafty player. I was not the first person to discover that buildin’ a sentry was the ideal response to the inevitable scout rush on Dustbowl. Heavies who had earlier rejected Natascha were showing up at her doorstep with flowers and apologies, at least until they realized that she was not the not the woman she used to be. For two or three glorious scout-filled days, it has been open season for the sly among us who, rather than complain, have instead decided to look upon this event as an opportunity.

In anticipation of future updates, I have taken the time to form a preliminary analysis regarding in what ways the elite can capitalize on the situations pursuant to the updates yet to come. Without knowing what future tweaks and unlockable items will come with them, there’s no way to be completely thorough, but no one need be too concerned when thousands of players start farming as a class with which they have little to no experience.

The Spy Update
Many have prognosticated that this will be next, based on Valve’s policy of prioritizing the least played classes for updates. I can say without hyperbole that this update excites me more than any other. Not just because I love being a spy and having new toys to play with, but because I have been for ages stuck at a measly two-domination record for the pyro. This will surly change once the spy update hits the servers. We all know how much spies hate pyros. And now that Valve has fixed the front-stabbing problem we all know and love* we can rest peacefully knowing we’ll be just fine as long as we’re keeping an eye on our sixes.

Always remember to consider the achievements and know what your opponents are after. If you see a “friendly” demoman running around crying incessantly for a medic, trying to trick one into giving him an ubercharge (if there isn’t an achievement like that, I’ll eat my hat), give him a friendly tap on the shoulder with your fireaxe to let him know he is not welcome. But why stop there? I was thinking, particularly if you’re on defense, why not pair up with an engineer? The pyro can crisp any yahoo dumb enough to try and sap his sentry, and the sentries will guarantee that every other yahoo trying to have his way with a distracted heavy or an inattentive sniper will be gibbed instantly. I’m getting moist just thinking about it.

*Just like they fixed it the time before, and the time before that.

The Sniper Update
And you think the sniper problem is bad now? Try playing 2fort after this update. No matter how bad those snipers may be, chances are one of those 6 dots following you will catch you in the noggin. In the world of Team Fortress 2, the word “sniper” has long been analogous to the word “spybait”. Obvious answer to the update? Cloak and dagger, my good friends. Sneak ’round behind them and love them tenderly from behind.

But is this really the best choice? Sure, spies can cloak to keep out of view and easily get around a line of camping snipers, but even the most brain dead Aussie will start to notice a series of “YEAARGH”s growing steadily closer, and the snipers will probably be eager to nail a disguised spy in the head (if there isn’t an achievement like that, I’ll eat my space bar.) Better solution? The demoman.

That’s right, the demoman. Nothing makes the peons scatter quicker than a quartet of grenades lobbed straight at their feet. Those foolish enough to stay still shall be gibbed before they can shout crikey, and those who dash out of the way in a blind panic will merely return to find their favorite camping grounds all stickied up.

Moving on.

The Soldier Update
This one is a little more tricky. Unlike the spy and sniper, very much support classes, the soldier is good at holding his own in most situations. What’s more, there’s no better newbie class than this. Any fool with a mouse and years of pent-up sexual frustration (i.e. most of Steam) can pick up a rocket launcher and start firing indiscriminately into crowds of moving objects. Sun Tzu would not be pleased.

So what’s the solution? I suppose that depends on what you’re good at. Soldiers would make good pickings for an able spy. Rockets may hurt, but soldiers are slow and can’t cover the same area as pyros or heavies when checking for spies. If there is room to maneuver, a scout might be able to stay ahead of the rockets, but against multiple targets you may well be blown out of the air by a lucky hit (if there isn’t an achievement like that, I’ll eat my sandvich.)

However, for once, I would say that a sniper has the best advantage of all, much as it shames me to say. Why? Because nothing takes the wind out of a soldier’s sails better than height and distance. Given a good corner to hide in, a methodical sniper can plug every mother-loving soldier who shows his helmet, take a bathroom break, and read the morning newspaper before any rockets fired at him arrive. Sidestep, scope, and repeat.

The Demoman Update
Having played many rounds of of stage 3 Dustbowl on 32-player servers, I am no stranger to demoman spam. It’s like watching an old World War 2 flick, only instead of German soldiers, it’s stickybombs. And instead of bullets, it’s stickybombs. And instead of tanks, planes, or ships, it’s stickybombs. Stickybombs, stickybombs, stickybombs! Every floor, every corner, every window.

There’s a reason people complain about stickybombs being OP: they are stupid (the people, not the stickybombs.) As with the soldier update, the first defense that comes to mind is the pyro, whose compression blast can move both grenades and stickbombs out of the way, but due to my deep-seated racism towards pyros (despite not knowing what race the pyro is), I feel compelled to offer alternatives.

The main difficulty when dealing with those cowardly drunkards is that with all the stickybombs and grenades floating about, there’s really no place on the ground that’s safe to walk. The solution? Don’t walk. Scout up and double-jump your way to victory! The scout is the demoman’s natural predator, being difficult to hit with indirect weapons, and as long as you keep moving and don’t let yourself get boxed into a corner by stickies, you’ll have no difficulties whatsoever. As we already established, most farmers who pop up after an update have no skills with their chosen class and are too enamored with their achievement whoring to notice when they are being dominated.

The Engineer Update
Last on the list and probably last to be made, engineer being the global MPC for Team Fortress 2, the results of the engineer update are too obvious to require explanation.

Against half a dozen level 3 sentries ubercharges and BONK become obsolete. The pushback is simply too great. As engis on both sides of the map play out a steady chorus with the constant “dink dink dink” of their wrenches, the minority classes will find that the only place to get anything done is in the no-man’s land at the center of the map. If it’s an assault map like dustbowl and you’re on offense, you might as well find another server.

But we are not going to be dissuaded, nosiree. A wise player lets not the whoring of his enemy encroach upon the most holy of gaming experiences. It is not only our duty but our destiny to turn every situation to our advantage. To a coordinated team of comrades, the multi-sentry challenge is hardly a challenge at all, but this guide is about the lone player, the solitary mercenary who bravely fights across public servers trying to squeeze in a few quick rounds before he has to return to his responsibilities of the real world. What does he do?

There’s no easy answer here. It will all depend on the map and what your strengths as a player are. Take advantage of your enemies in whatever ways you can. Here are a few pointers.

1) Shoot engineers first. They are easy to kill if not hiding behind their equipment and it makes sentries much more convenient targets.

2) Sap everything in sight. The spy is an obvious choice so the enemy will probably be on the alert at all times. That said, unskilled engineers are notorious for not paying attention to other engineers’ equipment. With such a high saturation of buildings everywhere, you can just run around clicking the fire button like a maniac until someone takes you down. Inelegant, but effective, especially when taken with point #1.

3) Spam grenades. The engineer’s other counterclass, the demoman, is also an obvious choice. Always prioritize sentries that are isolated or easy to target from behind cover. Stickies are good for specific targets, of course, but simply launching wave after wave of grenades is a perfectly valid strategy. The inaccuracy of grenades, particularly when bouncing them off walls, is unimportant when there are so many potential targets to hit. If there are other players doing the same, combine forces to maximize damage throughput.

4) Ubercharges and BONK. Yes yes, I know I said these were useless only a moment ago, but I say let’s not let facts get in the way of tactical analyses. Work with someone you trust and go for sentries that are not covered by other sentries to reduce knockback. And since so many of you medics don’t seem to realize this: charge with your ubered buddy when assaulting a sentry, preferably ahead of them (but not directly in front of them), especially with pyros and heavies. The more sentry fire you take for them, the faster they can close in and get to work.

There you have it. One easy primer to help you in the coming years.

But what is the copycat effect?

We have all had this happen to us. You go on an epic killing spree, kill five heavies/medic teams by yourself and dominate the other team. The idiots see this, they look and think “well clearly he is only doing so well because he is playing (class). If I were playing (class) I would be kicking ass too” and so they change to (class) and hope to do as well as you have. The problem being that when there are five pyro’s it is impossible to win. I call it the copycat effect and It cannot be stopped without serious action such as locking the max number of a given class.

A good balance, but watch out for the idiots have noticed the number of points our demoman has accumulated.

So soon the idiots of the server have changed to the same class as you, and where once there was a reasonable balance of classes, now there are 5 fools playing pyro and not a sentry to be seen! Soon the team will lose because the idiots who want points are all doing the same thing.

Instantly the balance goes wild as fools across the team rush to the demoman.

But Herpers, god of scouts, what can we do about the copycat effect!?

Worry not for I have the answer: Play a class that is has too few players like baby heavy or medic, that way when three idiots rush to the class you can change out and play something else, and suddenly you have three heavies sitting on the point instead of a bunch of bloody snipers.

Please note: if your name is in either of the first two screenshots I did not choose you specifically and please don’t take offence from anything written there.

We woke up at 0600 as usual. I had the usual bland taste in my mouth, it felt like onions. I got up with every part of my body clinging to the warm bed and asking “why?”, “what for do we have to get up?”.

The administrator has scheduled a drill at 0730. As usual.

Another day at work. My list of things to do was piling up with no will on my part to complete any of it. The new upgraded teleporter technology came with a daily barrage of new bug reports and cursings. Some didn’t like the humming sound it made, some didn’t like to have their thumb swapped with their pinky fingers, alas, the usual resistance to change and the never ending eagerness to find fault at my hard work. And then there was the teleport quota, set to 120 for this drill, I had to keep it running throughout the entire thing, all the while trying to keep up a decent sentry amidst complaints about a lack of dispenser, and if there was one, about why it was not level 3 already.

The bell rang, the doors opened and I found myself dashing out with my toolbox in hand at the blink of an eye. Wha - what were they laughing at? My flys open? Some stupid shenanigans, likely, and I had no time for this, not that day, not ever!

Yes, I have to set this sentry up here, perhaps 3 inches from yesterday’s position should make it, here, what the - nnngh!

“Damn idiots! This is their understanding of entertainment, and of friendship!” I thought. I was red with fury and I started kicking and smashing things, waving punches around for a good half an hour. I could see between my bursts and fits that they were getting worried, worried about the magnitude of my disgruntlement.

I took it so far that the drill was canceled. Scout told me how I wasn’t like this before, that I used to be more tolerant and even the instigator of such ‘practical jokes’. Spy nodded in disapproval. He said I was getting old and boring, and that I should lighten up.

Yes, they were right.

I still remember the day that new sales guy from the sentry vendor showed up. I convinced him that it was our company tradition to have our ‘new partners” photographed with some of our technology, you know for good luck or something.

Yeah he wasn’t sure about it, especially when I made him hold Sasha in his arms, almost standing as tall as him, but the sales guy wanted to leave a good first impression, so he grudgingly accepted.

You can pretty much guess that Heavy did not enjoy seeing this photo, his dear Sasha violated in this manner, nor was he willing to ask any questions. Actually he was quite like a wild animal, not unlike a very mad grizzly bear, and the sales guy, after seeing Heavy rip the heater pipe from the wall with his bare hands in a rather unfriendly demeanor, was quite like a scared rabbit and made a run for his life.

I don’t know whether he knew his cheap plastic suit would stick on him in water like duct tape and weigh him down or not, but the guy drowned. The sentry vendor was never heard from again and that’s the story of how and why I had to build a sentry gun of my own design. Heh-heh.

Oh and there was the time when we had Demoman’s bottle filled up with gas from Pyro’s canister. Whoo-hoo, the stuff was too powerful even for the poor lad. He ran around for hours like a fool, climbed on top of the horse statue (oh the statue, that’s a whole different story!) and suddenly went into some sort of bad trip and freaked out.

He cried and wailed and could not get down on his own. It took the rest of the day (and the night) and all of us to bring him down. All activities that day and the next day had to be canceled. Haha! That was one of the two occasions when the administrator suspended our defecation privileges.

…

Yes, my friends, they were right. I was getting lost in the daily crunch, worrying too much and working too much. The administrator gave me the rest of the day off. She knows how to push us to our breaking point and not an inch further. My good friend Spy took a moment off the drill to talk to me.

He said “I know what you need. You need to go out more often.”

I looked at him as if he said something in an obscure language.

“We’re going out tonight.”, he added, “We’ll have a few drinks and meet some ladies.”

Neither was my forte, but I strongly felt that I should go. And go I did…

… but that’s another story.

Spokespeople for the companies Reliable Excavation & Demolition and Builders League United have announced that, due to financial pressures in the current economic crisis, they have gone into administration. Several members of staff have been made redundant, with each company retaining a ’skeleton engineering and maintenance crew’ to keep their premises in working order for potential sale.

More startling than these two obscure companies going bust at the same time is what has emerged when administrators seized control of their assets. In an exclusive report, Ubercharged.net can reveal many alarming truths behind these seemingly innocuous companies.

All is not as it seems

When looking through the many industrial sites owned by RED and BLU, administrators found very little evidence of production. What they did find, however, is a number of top-secret high-tech weapons, including prototype laser facilities and intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs). Theories abound that these two businesses were actually cover organisations for secret military test facilites, but the government has refused to comment on the matter. The elusive heads of RED and BLU, whose identities are unknown, have not yet surfaced.

ICBMs found in a RED facility posing as a grain mill

What there is evidence of, however, is an extensive and costly private conflict between the two companies, which were previously thought to be unaffiliated in any way. Exclusive sources from BLU reveal that high-ranking company executives, whose identities were never revealed to the employees, hired a team of mercenaries to perform several acts of sabotage on RED properties, even using powerful explosive payloads to destroy a waste processing facility, potentially spreading toxic or even radioactive particles into the atmosphere.

Suspicious Incomes

In the light of these shocking discoveries, there has been public outrage that taxpayer’s money may have funded these acts of terrorism. Among many other fronts, RED and BLU posed as agricultural and mining businesses, and as such received millions of dollars of subsidies from the state. Again, Government officials were unavailable for comment.

It was also found that the accounts kept by the owners of the organisations were, to say the least, creative. Both companies have been avoiding tax through creative accounting, offshore money deposits, and several attempts to blackmail industrial nations with their experimental doomsday devices.

Trouble Manifests

But how did these shady enterprises go bust anyway? At this stage, the reason is unclear, but evidence points towards several costly mistakes made by each firm. A former employee of RED, who wishes to remain anonymous stated “there were several, how should I say? Fundamental Tactical errors. I don’t know who designed these facilities but for such top-secret projects, security was lax. I mean, what genius designs a waste facility which has a railway running right into the central dump?”

Both companies blame the credit crunch and ‘toxic assets’ for their financial problems, but confidential sources suggest industrial espionage and sabotage were responsible for much of the malaise, and the private war between the two companies accounts for a startling 90% of all loss of earnings.

Drastic Action

Among the worrying evidence uncovered by administrators is a number of expenses that were irresponsible at best. Each company employed similar mercenaries whose taste for custom-made heavy weaponry involved spending over $400,000 for every 12 seconds the weapons were fired. Such was the protracted nature of the conflict between the companies that it has been found that billions of dollars were lost each year in this way. Drastic cutbacks had been made in recent months, and the mercenaries’ arsenal was replaced with more conventional submachine guns.

“Little men came and took Sascha [the weapon in question],” one such mercenary stated. “New gun did not sing like Sascha, but go rat-tat like baby’s toy. If company had not gone bust, I would have destroyed them myself!”

It was also found that another soldier of fortune resigned from the company after rising fuel costs meant that his flamethrower was no longer an economically viable weapon.

Costs were cut in other areas too. Engineers from the businesses report that a lack of technical components meant they were forced to construct makeshift defences, and prototype teleporter technology was considered too energy-inefficient to continue employing, leaving their employees stranded in the field with no further ammunition supply. One BLU technician told us “When the money really dried up, we ended up setting pretty primitive traps for them pesky REDs. Which was fun an’ all, but give me a high calibre motion-sensing sentry gun any day.”

The company medical team, whose expensive and largely unnecessary surgical procedures are thought to have been a contributing factor in the companies’ collapse have been closed down, and massive catering costs (especially for sandwiches, liquor and energy drinks) were cut dramatically. It is reported that RED even allowed their industrial rivals to destroy or capture many facilities, so as to cut their losses and clean their hands of accumulated debts.

An Uncertain Future

What is clear is that many employees are now left to find new jobs. What will become of the sinister team of mercenaries is unclear, and it is understood that the FBI is actively pursuing at least five of them for serious offences. We will endeavour to bring you an update in the event of any new developments.

Before I begin, just let me start by saying this: DANGER, DANGER WILL ROBINSON! “CRY-SOME-MORE” LEVELS DANGEROUSLY HIGH! What I say here is my opinion and my opinion alone. It’s not wrong or right, it’s one player’s gripes. Remember that.

Now that that’s over, let me continue on with my undoubtedly controversial rant.

I really, really dislike Soldiers.

No, dislike isn’t strong enough. Passionately despise would be slightly more accurate, but words could never describe how much I hate that class. Every solitary facet of the Soldier fills me with a deep smouldering rage. I hate being juggled by ultra-damaging rockets. I hate being gibbed, punctured, and slashed by the frequent cirts brought on by the constant splash damage done by rockets. I hate how the Soldier has only the second highest health, but never seems to die when I need him to. I hate how the Steam stats claim the Soldier is only the fourth most frequently played class, yet it seems every corner I turn, there’s one standing there ready and willing to blow me into chunky noodle soup. I hate how I’m always dominated by them, but can barely play as them. But most of all, I. Hate. The. Soldier.

I’m going to let that sit in for a second.

Back with me again? Good. Bear with me now for a bit, this is where it gets tricky.

I’m not suggesting we do anything about it.

“But why?” you may ask through a mouth stuffed full of some sort of greasy, cheese encrusted snack. “Why then have you come here to complain? Why do you present complaints but no solutions? Are you not interested in the betterment of the game?!”

Dearest readers, I come here simply to present my opinion. I suggest that Team Fortress 2 is not only the gut-grabbinest, gut-rippenest, strangle-you-with-your-own-grabbed-gutsiest battle thriller ever seared onto my monitor (as the game’s website so accurately puts it), but it is essentially perfect. I believe the only patches that are ever really needed are exploit and bug fixes. Nerfs and upgrades are almost never necessary, with examples being the Pyro’s airblast as a necessary, and the Backburner’s 50 extra health being removed being unnecessary (but that’s another issue entirely, and perhaps I’ll discuss it at a later date).

Instead of blaming the game as being unbalanced or unfair, I instead blame my own lack of skill. I am by no accounts a poor player, as many of my friends may begrudgingly admit. However, one of my main faults is my near-complete inability to fight Soldiers. Is this the fault of the game mechanics? No. Is this the fault of The Valve? Nope. It is my fault and my fault alone for being unable to fight that single class. Besides, who am I to ruin someone’s favourite class? The Demoman is this close to being crippled with all the requests for nerfs from the endlessly whiny community, why endanger yet another class?

And so dear readers, I put this forward to you: the next time you beg for nerfs, reconsider. Perhaps, instead of changing the game to pander to your needs and wants, instead try to play around that part of the game, and eventually you’ll find a counter for whatever tactic you may be challenged with. All it takes is patience.

And so, I leave you with one last thing for you to remember next time you’re frustrated with the game:

I still hate the Soldier, though.

Okay, before I start ranting and raving, a quick disclaimer: I do like the way Valve updates TF2 and I will, ultimately, appreciate the Scout Update and the various changes it brings. Admittedly, Scout is my least favourite and least played class, and to me the Scout Update was always going to be my least favourite. However, several of the choices Valve made have greatly disappointed me and the community, and the way some (read: most) players have handled it means I’ll be sticking to L4D for a few days. Even though this rant may make me seem like a moany git, most of my future posts will be less angry and grumpy (though still quite angry and grumpy. Hey, you don’t come here to read just articles on lovely players and things Valve has done right.)

THE SCOUT UPDATE PAGE

Ah yes, the Scout Update Page. Updated daily to present new information about the latest weapons and maps. We all constantly refreshed just to read a new page of info. Ah, good times. However, several mistakes were made even outside of the game:

Lateness: Over 2 hours late with updating the page several times. Well, no big deal. Typical Valve time. Minor annoyance at best, aside from the wasted hours (oh, and the F5 key on my computer is much less dusty then the ones around it.)

Showing the dual payload map: They showed what was clearly a dual payload map in the background of the Bonk! page. Was this the radically different game mode Valve had boasted was coming soon (hope not, it’s not that different)? Or was it the new payload map they had announced for the update? Whatever it was, it wasn’t put into the actual update, causing much disappointment and sadness. Hopefully it will come out soon.

The final “update”: Just the poll results. No official maps from Valve (come on, don’t rely on the community for a whole class update like you did here) and no “Meet the Team” video (come on, finish/release the series, focus on those comics after).

It was a community update: The weapons and the order of unlocking was all decided by the community. Sure, the weapons are all alright on paper, but the Sandman, in execution, sucks. And the traditional Secondary, Primary, Melee release date worked great. And Valve, community maps are great, but please make your own.

THE WEAPONRY

The new weapons for the Scout are arguably the biggest draw of the update. Now, as I have not played Scout in eons, I’m speaking from the point of view of the receiving end, from which the view is not as nice.

Force-A-Nature: I’d say it’s fairly balanced. Annoying, yes, but fighting a Scout armed with this weapon is as hard/easy as fighting one wielding the Scattergun (depends on the situation.) The triple-jump is useful, but not as useful as an explosives-powered jump.

Suggestions: Well, this is the most balanced weapon of the update. No suggestions here. If any changes must be made, nerf the firing speed and damage output a bit. Two shots of it, if all the pellets get in, can do approximately 199 damage, killing all but two classes. However, this isn’t a big worry unless coupled with the Sandman.

Bonk!: Annoying, but also fairly useless in many situations. Yes, it can get past a Heavy or a Sentry-infested corridor, but admittedly sentries in open spaces as well as heavily occupied bases make this an extremely niche replacement. NEVER TAUNT WHILE DOING IT, btw. You’ll just get punched/stabbed/wrenched/blown up/hadoukened. It is really only useful for the team with teammate support (someone destroys the sentry while the Scout distracts it) but most Scouts are mentally incapable of serious teamwork.

Suggestions: Well, teammates have got to cooperate with a Scout using Bonk, and vice versa. More vanilla Scout players will likely stick to the Pistol.

Sandman: A wee bit overpowered in my opinion (read: piece of overpowered bullcrap). While the loss of a double jump is significant, with the Force-A-Nature, you get an additional double jump, and Scouts can still do a lot without it anyway. The ball fires instantly, STUNS UBERED PLAYERS and is incredibly cheap and annoying, as well as hard to dodge and reflect. And really, with Bonk! and the Sandman, scouts aren’t meant to be an uber counter, they’re meant to be uber fodder. Thanks to this, Scouts can deal with Heavy Medic teams easily. And before you say “Stop whining, move”, sometimes, you can’t move in time, or see the fast Sandman come at you.

Suggestions: Valve, choose any or preferably all these suggestions. No more ubering stunned players, make it less spammable, make Medigun healing shorten the length of the stun, give stunned players temporary immunity to another ball, make the stun time shorter and less helpless, maybe an entirely different stun effect and maybe make it so the Scout is somewhat less capable of dealing damage to the stunee. And the best suggestion: remove it. A melee weapon should not have a ranged attack (outside of kill taunts.) As mentioned, the FoN can do a lot of damage, and coupled with the 5 damage of the ball, can kill all but 1 class. That is just seriously screwed up.

The kill taunt: The Scout got a kill taunt for use with the Sandman. Some of you may remember Phoenix wrote an article on what classes should have kill taunts and he disagreed with the Scout having one. I half agree and disagree. Scouts have little practical use for a kill taunt, but hey, it’s not having any real effect on Gameplay so I’m not complaining.

A POINT BY POINT ANALYSIS OF THE UPDATE

New features

• Added The Force-A-Nature, The Sandman, and Bonk! (Read above)
• Added 35 new Scout achievements (Some of the achievements require grinding, farming and hours of play, but I don’t really have any experience with them. But half the achievements involve the Sandman. Change them, I swear the Sandman is the worst thing ever to come to Tf2.)
• Added crit boosted on/off sound effects (Yeah, I suppose it’s alright.)
• Added new sounds for upgraded teleporters (Makes them more identifiable which can’t be bad)
• Added new sound for a fully charged medic dying (Hmm, hope it sounds good as getting killed like this is frustrating)
• Add bonus points section to scores (is the one below the only bonus point?)
• Scouts earn a bonus point for killing Medics who are actively healing a target (Meh, I can see why they did it, but buffing a classes ability to reap points is pretty stupid in my book.)
• Added several new speech concepts, mostly hooked up to new Scout lines (Love ‘em. Only complaint is every class now needs them.)
• Added new “Remember last weapon between lives” option to the Multiplayer Advanced dialog (The option is there, which is nice)
• Spies can now control which weapon the enemy team sees them holding. Hitting the “last disguise” key while disguised updates the disguise to show the Spy’s currently held weapon (Nice, but ultimately just means more paranoia. Could mean more inexperienced players/those in a hurry are fooled, but overall we still know who you are.)
• Added several new Arena mode announcer speech events. (Rarely play Arena, but nice touch.)
• Added “First Blood” to Arena mode (From what I understand, a boost to the first player to kill another. Sounds interesting, but makes crits in Arena even more unbalanced.)
• Removed 2x item respawn times in arena (Minor fix, but, as I said, with the short amount of time I have spent in Arena, don’t really care.)
• Changed backstab handling to fix facestabs (In my experience, doesn’t work)
• Spies disguised as enemy team can now see player IDs for enemies (Nice, should make for some nice “Oh wait, that’s my friend/oh crap, it’s the team’s lone pyro and I’m disguised as him/I’m dominating him, don’t act suspicious” moments.)

New maps

• Added community maps: cp_egypt, arena_watchtower, and cp_junction (Played junction and egypt a few times, but only under “rush” conditions (too many Pyros, Spies and Scouts). They both seem decent. Haven’t played Watchtower but have heard good things about it.)
• Updated cp_fastlane with Arttu’s new version (Weren’t really a big fan of Fastlane, wasn’t improved much at all and the visual changes are lazy.)

Mapmaker requests

• Added new input for forward speed modifier to FuncTrainTrain
• Added TeleportToPathTrack input to func_tracktrain (A few fixes to train stuff. I don’t really know, sounds good, but doesn’t directly affect me.)

Bugfixes

• Fixed a bug where players would sometimes gib from non-gib damage kills (Oh, I liked this glitch.)
• Fixed stat screen showing an entry for a class called “map.” (Ha, ha, silly Valveface.)
• Fixed item model panels not using team skins (A mildly annoying but quite common glitch, if it’s the one I think it is.)
• Fixed obscure bug where spectators were able to carry the flag (I can see why Valve put this as small print. Sounds embarrassing.)

AND NOW A RANT TO YOU, YES YOU

Now, I know it’s only natural to try grabbing the achievements and to try out the new weapons, but for Christ’s sake, some of us want to enjoy the content without loads of ineffective teams of scouts farming achievements and running head on into sentries. Please, if you must farm, get solo achievements or go on a farming server. Playing some classes instantly becomes a lot more frustrating, such as the demoman (and playing any friendly class. Medics and Engies lose a lot of power).

And once again, USE THE RIGHT TOOL FOR THE JOB. Please don’t just carry on playing as Scout because you want achievements. If there’s a sentry, pick a class that can do more then just run away from it drinking energy drinks. And rushing blindly at the objective doesn’t work. You can’t suffocate the defending team to death with dead scout corpses and gibs.

Please, just play the game as usual. If you actually have any interest in playing the scout, the achievements will come in time.

Once again, I, The Scoot, fail to actually write a post that is serious. If you are expecting me to actually write one in that style, lower your expectations; I’m going for the least serious contributor. So, I present part one in my series of TF2 poems. And in the words of the Medic, “RAUS RAUS!”

A Pyro, a Heavy, and an Engineer,
All willing to make me a smear.

But it shall not be done.
For my friend behind me, has a Medigun.

He yells, “I AM FULLY CHARGED!”
The task at hand, is quite large.

BABIES!
Hudda!
Mah Sentrah!

These calls, are met with a rocket.
The Engineer goes first, sitting in his pocket.

The Pyro attempts to set me alight.
But a crit rocket ends the fight.

I turn, and find the Heavy has fled.
But he is stopped, with a shovel to the head.

The charge fizzles, but something is odd.
I then get killed by the vengeful Train God.

And now for something completely different:

The whirr of a sentry has aquired my attention
And no one is near.
I shall take it down without a mention
My job is fear.

It touches the machine, and melds
Things are going to get fun.
Right on cue, someone yells:
SPAH SAPPIN MAH SENTRAH GUN!

The tapping of feet, as he runs down the hall
Prepares me for the fight.
He enters the room, unaware of his fall
I plunge the knife with all my might.

A heavy appears, and my fate is insured,
As I sit in the destroyed den,
I face the Russian, and speak one final word:
Gentlemen.

Note: This is pre-Scout update, in case you are wondering about the lack of Scouts. I started this post on the 20th of February according to Word Press…
—
It was a simple dream, and one many people before me have achieved. To use the Kritzkreg and deal some serious damage. After Pyrit linked to a Kritzkerg frag movie, I’ve been wanting to do some amazing Kritz-ing, if the only reason is that said movie had really cool music. So I grab my old and dusty unlockable and head out to the big, wide world of random PUB servers. Guessing by the levels shown in the movie, I search for Payload map, since Defence on Payload is the best time for a kritz because the BLUs surround the Payload in order to move it, and if one krit rocket hits the cart, there will be gibs, and lots of them.  This is also the reason I didn’t go to the UC server, I believe it was playing ctf_convoy. Anyway, I see a nice open space on a server with little latency with 24/7 Goldrush, so I head there.

At first, the server seemed alright. Fast Spawn was on (Almost Insta-Spawn for BLU, about 5 seconds plus deathcam time for RED), but that didn’t affect much. There wasn’t a spot on RED, so I decide to help the attackers. Although I managed to get my charge up to 100% several times, I didn’t manage to make the carnage I hoped to create. After we failed the round, the server reseted (Or whatever you call it when the server changes map to the same level), and I grab a spot on the RED team. But I didn’t expect something, and when I saw it, a little bit of me died. I guess you want to know what I saw, don’t you?

Well, see for yourself…

Yep, I believed my team had 9 people at the time, including me, and 6 of them thought ‘I think this team needs another Engineer’. One thought ‘Ka-BOOM!’ and went Demo, and the final thought ‘We need more Medics!’ and went Medic with me. Sadly, we both had Kritzkergs and we both only had one person to kritz.

In addition, I appeared to be on the “anti-teamwork” team. When I was on BLU the match before, my favourite Kritz target was a Soldier with a mic. We managed to take down a Sentry together (Which, in retrospect, would have been so much easier with an Uber). However, this team had no teamwork whatsoever. As you can guess, the Engies focused on their Sentry, rather then all teaming up on one or two Sentries. Needless to say, we got owned. Even the Engies that stayed at the second point to set up LVL 3 Sentries were easily beaten. Maybe my team realised that Sentry Farms aren’t the best defense and changed their classes to useful Kritz targets. Then again, maybe not…

Next round, the Engie party returns and they all go out making more Sentries. The other Medic got bored of overhealing Engineers, and decided to become a Pyro, which is an ok Kritz partner, but not the best. A Heavy joined my team, and I thought “Yes! A Kritz target which doubles up as a meatshield!” Oh how wrong was I…

The Heavy was either new at the game, slow, laggy, or very, very stupid. Most likely laggy, but he wasn’t jumping all over like a laggy person. He was slow to leave the spawn room, and when he did, he ended up looking at a wall most of the time. When we did make it to the field of battle, he decided to fire Sasha from a distance, rather then up close. Because of this, I didn’t activate my Kritz in case I wasted it. A BLU Demoman went around, and attacked my Heavy with Stickies, which he didn’t notice, but even I could here the stickies being fired and myself yelling “INCOMING!” via X+1. The Heavy survived after being blasted into the air, which amazes me because of all the Stickies the Demoman used…

Once again, we lost the stage. The final setup started, the Engie party left the spawn, I sighed. Six Engies, a Pyro, a Demoman, and a Medic (I think the Heavy left, or went Engie, or maybe I chose to ignore him) defending Gold Rush from a balanced team of Soldiers, Heavies, Medics, Spies .etc. I press tab to see the current scores. The highest scoring player on BLU had more then double the score of the highest scoring player on RED. That might be because of all the Payload-Moving BLU has been doing, but that is no excuse for my team’s lack of success. The three highest scoring players on our team were the Demoman, the Pyro, and Me. Whoever said Pubbers only worry about the amount of points they had was clearly wrong in this case.

I forget how the match went, but I know it didn’t go well. I did notice one thing late into that last round. I decided to see what classes my team had. We had less Engies. We had Soldiers and the like. It seems like my team had some sort of plan after all. Make Sentries, wait for them to be destroyed, change class. It is either that, or maybe they realised that Sentry Farms don’t always work. I like to think the former is true, and that there was some intelligence on my team…

We lost swiftly and painfully. I was hoping for some amazing Krit kills, but all I got were Sentries, a defense tactic where the Kritzkreg is useless. I left after that round. You could say I ragequitted. I learnt/remembered two important lessons from that match.

1. Using the Kritzkreg requires teamwork and communication. I’ve manage to do some kritzing on the UC server, because I know the people on the UC server. You can go to PUBs and use it, but if you are with friends, you trust them more and they trust you more. Communication for Kritzkregs is just as important as it is for Ubers. Or maybe even more, since an Uber can be activated to save yourself or your Medic Buddy. Having a mic helps. Being with friends and using a mic is even better.
2. Sentry Farms aren’t the best defence. The reason they work is because the most of the enemy dies by your non-Engineer friends. If all the enemies are fighting a Sentry Farm with the Engies whacking their Sentries, they will destroy it one Building at a time. You need non-Engies to kill their Medics, Demos, and other enemies.

I write this article for those two reasons. Don’t suffer the Anti-Kritz Defense like I did! Talk to your team, stick with some friends, and for the your team’s sake, do not play as an Engineer if you team already has 3!