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It’s been a year. A long, grueling year.

A fact that I just recognized two weeks ago.

If you’re wondering who this fellow is, and why is he clearly off his rocker, I’m The Medik, formerly Scoot, and I run maintain pay for UC2, otherwise known as the European Server. And, looking at my bill history, it’s going to be turning 1 soon.

What better way to celebrate than to have a week of birthday fun?

Saturday, March 5th and Sunday, March 6th:

The actual birthday of our beloved server is Saturday, and it’s only fitting to start it off with two days of downright silliness, courtesy of everyone’s favorite map, Mariokart (There will be other silly maps available, if you’re not an avid fan) . The server rules will also be loosened for this event, so be prepared to bring some music with you (emphasis on music; please leave the bonk songs at home), but keep it in moderation. We’ll still mute anyone who thinks it’s a good idea to play Be A Man, or any song for that matter, for the fifth time in a row. But don’t worry about losing out on the birthday fun because of some carpet-bagger who doesn’t even know what a server is took your spot, we’ll have a password up to keep the riff-raff out. I recommend that you join the UC European group, in order to not miss out.

Cake will not be provided, despite what the previous picture may show.

Other Amenities include:

• Crits! Everyone loves allcrit, right?
• Hats! Hats for EVERYBODY!
• As Live-As-We-Can-Make-it Music!

Monday, March 8th Through Friday, March 12th:

Now, if silly maps and silly hats don’t float your boat, we’ve got other activities. Consider it as the “Grown-ups Table”

For the rest of the week, we’ll be having a fine selection of custom maps available for your enjoyment, courtesy of my right-hand man, Tesla Tank. By now, we’ll have returned the server back to it’s normal state, so don’t worry about ruining your map experience with the constant crackling of criticals. (Alliteration is Awesome!)

The tentative maplist is as follows, if one wishes to download them early:

• ctf_atrophy_b4
• koth_fever_b1
• cp_freight
• cp_follower
• cp_furnace_b2
• koth_garbage_day
• pl_great_heights_b3
• ctf_haarp_b2
• cp_indulge
• cp_mainline_rc3
• koth_moonshine_rc
• plr_nightfall_a12
• koth_persia_b4
• cp_silvertrail_rc2
• pl_swiftwater
• cp_wildmire_b3
• arena_freight
• arena_oasis_final
• arena_blackwood

Be sure to give us your opinions on the maps once you’re done playing them, the best of the best will earn themselves a spot on the permanent maplist.

Odds And Ends:

If you’re havin’ problems figuring out which one this UC2 is, it’s IP is 217.163.27.214:2o715, or click the handy-dandy banner on the left. It’s located in glorious London.

For those who are interested, the Weekly EuroPug group is starting up after an extended hiatus. If you would like to try it out, just join the group, and show up when we hold one. We play by ETF2L rules, adjusted for however many people do show up. We are also not as strict concerning sticking to the standard 6v6 setup, but  do require you to do what your team asks of you. Microphones are not explicitly required, but we’ll all like you much more if you do use yours.

Well, I think that wraps it up for me this year. If you are in desperate need of server assistance, send a friend/chat request to either myself, or my cunning henchman/butler, Tesla Tank.

It has come to my attention that a notable portion of the prison population have abstained from attending the satanic murder rituals in the designated happy corner at section UC1 of the campus. Reports from the field have indicated to me that not only are our play-things refraining from offering up their depraved souls for holy cleansing in the coals of our Lord the Locomotive Deity, but they are so far fallen as to offer up weak nonsensical excuses for their absence.

A list of invalid excuses for absence that have been and/or will be made is as follows:

• “I didn’t know that section UC1 had moved 300 miles South.”
• “I have recently lost my arm/my leg/control of my bowels and feel less-than-inclined to make the trip.”
• “I have been stabbed/bludgeoned/molested/shot/yelled at.” (or any combination)
• “I watch Neighbours.”
• “I’m not a prisoner.”
• “I don’t know who the Train God is.”
• Any excuse which, in any way or form, mentions or insinuates the word ‘but’. There are no buts.

Any convict who makes, or appears to our staff to be avoiding making these excuses will be incarcerated in the mines of a free Korean MMO of our choice for an indefinite period of time.

I would like to remind all convicts that continued absence from section UC1 will result in dire consequences. All absent prisoners to date have had derogatory remarks entered in their criminal profiles and, as above, any peon that deliberately continues to avoid their designated happy corner in section UC1 will be assigned to WoW duty in the gold mines. It is absolutely unacceptable for any UC member to deny the Train God their soul, and we will enforce his will in the strictest method possible.

Your patience hasn’t been noted,
General Balls
UC Warden

Despite our vigilance, and the subsequent posting of the UC1 Server’s new IP on the server banner to the right of this page, it seems that several prisoners have voiced concerns over their inability to find the happy corner after it’s recent move to Los Angeles. While it is certainly my place to question the mental capacity of such convicts, bypassing this phase allows me more time to both remind you all of the section’s location and think up suitable punishment for such incompetence.

Now read closely, because I’m not going to repeat this for the illiterate. The new IP for UC Server #1 ‘The Cult of the Locomotive’ is:

Alternatively, the lazy amongst you can click the first server banner on the right to join UC1.

You have no excuse now,
General Balls
UC Warden

Tick, Tock,
Tick, Tock,
Tick, Tock…

Sometimes, when the time is ticking away, you get ideas. Sometimes, the idea is simple. Sometimes, it’s not…

Tick, Tock,
Tick, Tock…

Most of the time, however, time beats you. Most of the time…

Tick, Tock…

But sometimes…

Tick…

Just sometimes…

Tock…

Something awesome happens…

VICTORY! *Insert Fanfare here*

***

Yes, Spy/Ninja Caps. A technique? An art? An annoyance? Maybe a bit of all three. But deep in the fortress’ walls, in a book containing all lost skills, such as “Offensive Engineering” (Which has been restored as of late), and “Capping the Intel on 2Fort”, there is a section on Spy/Ninja Capping.

Now, there are three different techniques to Spy/Ninja capping. They all have their advantages and disadvantages. They are called “Prepared Capture” (The most popular one), “Over Offensive” and “Incomplete Cover“…

NOTE: This guide was designed for A/D maps only. Spy/Ninja Caps are more essential on those levels, as they can help in a stalemate posistion. In a Linier CP map, they are an annoyance to some players, especially the Prepared Capture. Of course, if a team has gone Over Offensive, or has a Incomplete Cover, they deserved to lose the final point, especially to an Engineer…

Prepared Capture

A Prepared Capture is when you wait for the capture point to be unlocked, and then, when it does, quickly capture the point. You can not do this on Payload, however.

+ Gives the enemy little time to react after the loss of the previous point.
+ Usually no enemy/Sentries around.
+ The easiest/most likely Spy/Ninja Cap to pull.

- As you wait, your team is down one man, which could be a major disadvantage.
- Boring while you wait.
- Sometimes, the enemy can see you on the cameras while they are dead (You know, when you are waiting to respawn, you can look through cameras overlooking capture points), and will hunt you down.

Dustbowl Example: Stage One, Capture Point 2

Although it can be done on any stage, a Prepared Capture can be done easily on Stage One, because it is possible that the attackers find little difficulty in capturing the first point. Hide near the point, so that people coming out of the spawn don’t see you. Once the first point is under your team’s control, get onto the second point and watch the swift capture commence.

Personally, I dislike this method. Every time I do it (Excluding the method explained near the end of the article, but even that sometimes fails), my team is unable to capture the first point. Especially on Stage Three of Dustbowl. Ever waited 20 minutes, hoping your team would actually capture the point? Zorgulon was not impressed when he saw me on the spectator cameras…

Over Offensive

This is when the enemy (The defenders) goes “Over Offensive”, which means that they push from the point to a part in the level. This means that you can easily cap the point while they are away.

+ The enemy is usually too busy fighting to protect the point.
+ Can work on most, if not all, levels (Even Payload).
+ The more your team is failing, the easier it is to do.

- Quite hard to sneak past the enemy.
- Respawned enemies will alert their team, and try their best to stop you while you were expecting an easy capture.
- If you fail, the enemy (usually) falls back and protects the point, preventing further Spy/Ninja Caps.

Dustbowl Example: Stage Three, Capture Point 2

The main battlefront of the area between the first and second point is the little alleyway in-between the points. Whoever owns that section has the attacking advantage. Of course, if the defenders have it, you can easily capture the point from right under their noses. If you can’t get behind them because they have a lot of people at the alley, go down the stairs, which should be an easy, enemy free path to the capture point.

Actually, I recently did this as a Pyro in a three vs four game on Dustbowl. Considering both my team mates were Spies, and were both dead while I was doing this (One died by taunt kill while I was doing this), I think I won this match by myself. I killed a KGB-weilding Heavy with two Flares (Loving the new Mini-Crit Flares BTW) and good old Axi’, and then took the stair route behind the capping Sniper, saw the Heavy crossing the bridge, and when the coast was clear, made my move. When I won, everyone but one person (Who was on my team) left. Ragequit much?

Incomplete Cover

When a Sentry guards the point, but doesn’t cover every corner of the point. Or, in Payload maps, the Sentry can not fire at you because the cart is defending you.

+ Can save your team if the Sentry has stopped all other attempts.
+ Always funny to hear people go “What just happened?”
+ Easy to do on Payload maps.

- Sometimes, an enemy will stop you.
- That Sentry will still be there after you cap the point.
- Harder to do when the enemy has multiple Sentries.

Dustbowl Example: Stage One, Capture Point 1

So the above may have confused you a bit, so listen to this example. So, one of the most popular Sentry locations for this Capture Point is on the stairs, yes? Well, most of the time, that Sentry doesn’t protect the entire point. If you enter from the entrance at the back, staying close to the left wall, and crouch onto the point, the Sentry usually isn’t able to see you there and you can cap the point with ease.

Last time I did this was as a Soldier, with French UC member Laharl (Self Proclaimed DJ of UC) as my Medic. Capped the point, and took down the Sentry with Splash Damage. He seemed to have been impressed with my fête. If you feel like being a team player, inform your team (Especially your Medic) what you are doing. I’ve had a Medic run onto the point while I was doing this…

Right into a Sentry…

***

Now when I say “Spy/Ninja Capping”, I don’t mean that this skill is limited to Spies. Any class can do this, be it Pyro or Sniper (As I have mentioned above). However, there are three classes I suggest to do this. So, without any delay, the classes used for Ninja Capping!

The Spy

The Spy is the most obvious choice for Spy Cappping. After all, it is named after him. When Spy Capping, the Spy can easily do all Spy Capping techniques. He can easily cloak and get behind the enemy to prepare to cap without noticing, in which he can prepare to cap when the point unlocks or capture the point if the defenders are on the offensive. The important thing to note is that, if an Engie builds a Sentry in case his team fails, the Spy can easily destroy it, while the below two classes will have difficultly. Oh, and the new Cloak and Dagger helps as well.

However, the Spy has his weak points. Once spotted, the average player will stand his ground and Spy Check the entire area. This is a problem if this area is near, or even on, the Capture Point. The other thing is that the average Spy can not get into a fight and win. Of course, I do not doubt your skill, but you may need to practice with your revolver/facestabs just in case. Or just pop the Dead Ringer up. Either works, really…

General Example: Pipeline (Stages One or Two, Final Push)

Since the Spy is so versatile at Spy Capping, it’s hard to give him a good example. So, I might as well give one for Pipeline, one of the newest maps. During the final push (The uphill ramps at the end of Stages One and Two), the enemy may choose to focus on defending the point, or pushing their cart. When the former is too weak, or distracted, then is your time to strike!

If there is no Sentries guarding the point, then uncloak or take off your disguise at the head of the payload. Since you don’t have to stay alive for long, all you have to worry about is the enemy running to stop the cart, rather then attacking from a distance. If you can push the cart up the hill, so it no longer falls backwards, then the chances of your team failing reduces so much (Unless the enemy has done the same to you)…

The Scout

The Scout, the fastest of the classes, can easily rush past the enemy and perfect for when the enemy is Over Offensive or have an Incomplete Cover, and can also be useful for a Prepared Capture. The Scout’s BONK! Energy Drink can allow you to safely rush past the enemy safely, at the cost of them catching up. Sometimes, you can use it to distract the enemy from the current objective, making them decide if they should go after you, or stay at the point, splitting up the defence.

However, like the Spy, the Scout has his weaknesses. After the effects of BONK!, the Scout is slow and still pistol-less. You’re only ranged weapon to stop the enemy from advancing is the Sandman, which you will most likely miss when you swing your ball. Oh, and if there is a Sentry ahead, you can kiss your Ninja Cap goodbye…

General Example: Gold Rush (Stage One, Capture Point 1)

The first Capture Point of Gold Rush is a perfect example to use Incomplete Cover to your advantage. The reason this is good for the Scout is he can push the cart twice as fast as the Spy. As the cart reaches the building (Home of one of the most obvious Sentry locations in TF2, along with behind the corner of Dustbowl 2-2 and the final point of Steel), hide to the side of the cart, so you can’t see the Sentry, and it can’t see you.

It’s a bit hard to pull off, due to the fact that enemies go through the tunnel and see you pushing the cart, but try it anyway. When the cart turns the corner, try to move so the cart still protects you. With a little bit of practice, you can easily cap the point without the Sentry even firing a shot…

The Engineer

Some of you fail to realize the effectiveness of an Engie Ninja Cap, and I respect that. After all, what does an Engie do? He builds a Sentry to defend the point right? Well, maybe he can use that Sentry to defend himself. You know, as he caps. You see what I did there?

Basically, our hardhatted friend can easily control a point before it opens, a “Prepared Capture”. The best part is, once he has a Level 3 Sentry controlling the Capture Point, it’s tough to get down. Most of the time, the enemy doesn’t even know it is there before it is too late (a.k.a. you are capping the point).

Mind you, the Engineer has very little tricks in getting behind the enemy. This is the reason Engies are hardly used for Ninja Caps, because it is so hard to get to the point and set a Sentry strong enough to stop enemies before the point is unlocked. Oh, and on some maps, placing a Sentry covering the point is countered as Spawn Camping…

General Example: Steel, Capture Point C

Well, you could try Gravelpit’s last point for the Engie, but usually the enemy finds you, due to the cameras and the beeps from a Sentry. You also need to set up a Dispenser, since there is no metal nearby. However, the third Capture Point on Steel is both ignored until it is unlocked AND near a large ammo crate. Get there by going through the last point (Either through B if A hasn’t been capped, or through A if it has). Simply put a Sentry in a position that covers the two ways the enemies go to defend the point, and put a Dispenser down so you can use it to heal yourself.

Many times have I caught the Capture Point this way. Sometimes, I do die, but at least the gates from B to C (Which take an awfully long time to open) open enough to let my team finish the job. However, if there is a Sentry at E, you may need to take a detour through D (And jump down onto the ledge or pipe connecting to the ledge). But usually, it isn’t a big deal…

***

Well, that’s the basics of Spy Capping for you. The art of being a Ninja is now yours. Now go, practice these techniques, and call yourself a true Ninja of Capping…

Now if I go onto Server 2 while it is on Steel and see a BLU Sentry Farm on C before A is capped, I won’t be happy. I’ve seen it happen before. Luckily, we managed to cap A and B when it did happen…

tl;dr version:

Don’t bother. If you don’t have the patience to read the article, you don’t have the patience to do a Prepared Capture. Don’t know what a Prepared Capture is? Exactly my point… :3

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks. She went for a walk in the forest. Pretty soon, she came upon a house. She knocked and, when no one answered, she walked right in.

At the table in the kitchen, there were three bowls of porridge. Goldilocks was hungry. She tasted the porridge from the first bowl.

“This porridge is too hot!” she exclaimed.

So, she tasted the porridge from the second bowl.

“This porridge is too cold,” she said

So, she tasted the last bowl of porridge.

“Ahhh, this porridge is just right,” she said happily and she ate it all up.

After she’d eaten the three bears’ breakfasts she decided she was feeling a little tired. So, she walked into the living room where she saw three chairs. Goldilocks sat in the first chair to rest her feet.

“This chair is too big!” she exclaimed.

So she sat in the second chair.

“This chair is too big, too!” she whined.

So she tried the last and smallest chair.

“Ahhh, this chair is just right,” she sighed. But just as she settled down into the chair to rest, it broke into pieces!

Goldilocks was very tired by this time, so she went upstairs to the bedroom. She lay down in the first bed, but it was too hard. Then she lay in the second bed, but it was too soft. Then she lay down in the third bed and it was just right. Goldilocks fell asleep.

When she awoke, she decided to go on the three bears’ computer.  There she found one of her favorite games, Team Fortress 2, downloaded and ready to play.  She sat down and brought up the list of servers.

She quickly joined a game of 32 players (with instant respawn,)  and repeatedly ran out of the spawn room spamming grenades.  Someone was playing heavy metal music over their headset, but no one spoke.  Messages were being typed, but most of them were variations of the phrase “lulz i pwn teh n00bs, i haz teh skil.”

Soon, Goldilock’s team captured the first point on Dustbowl, but there was no chance that the second would ever be captured.  Goldilocks sighed.

“This size has no teamwork!” she said, and disconnected from the server.

Next she found a game with 11/12 players.  What luck!  She clicked on it and was catapulted into an intense game of Granary.  She used her exceptional Medic proficiency to help her team win the first round.  They talked constantly, communicating everything of importance.  It was magical.

Then Goldilocks began to try the other classes.  As a Soldier, Demoman, and Scout, she was an asset to the team and they won over and over again.  Next, she tried the remaining classes and realized they were highly situational.

As a Spy, she was spotted immediately.  As a Heavy, she was left far behind.  As a Pyro, she was blown to bits.  As a Sniper, she lasted a while, until someone popped an Uber.  Then she tried to defend as an Engineer, and found she was useless.

“This size is too limiting!” she exclaimed, and disconnected from the server.

Next she found a server with a maximum of 24 players, and for a few hours, she was happy.  All the classes had their niche and it was possible to organize the efforts of the team.

Sometimes, in the back of her mind, she would notice that her death didn’t matter so much.  She wasn’t important, and she could fade into the background if she wanted to.

Soon, she began to see other things.  On some non-symmetrical maps, it was difficult or even impossible to play the Spy or the Scout.

To achieve victory, an offensive team needed two Medics, and a defensive team needed two Engineers.  Classes that could do damage to multiple players, like the Demoman and the Pyro, were far too useful or overpowered.

“This size is too unbalanced!” she cried, and she disconnected from the server.

Now she was at a loss.  What could she do?  She had tried the three standards, but none of them were quite right.  The 12 players had been good, and so had the 24 players.  But neither was what she was looking for.  These two sizes did not make themselves different enough from other games.

And then an idea popped into her head.  How smart Valve had been to create nine classes!  Halfway between 6v6 and 12v12 was 9v9.  Goldilocks searched the server list once more and found an 18 player match.

“This size is just right,” she said, and she lived happily ever after.

This article is the child of the comments section on my last post.  The reactions to the previous one were interesting enough that I thought an additional article was necessary.

I know I only play on the Xbox, but I can certainly imagine what Goldilocks is going through based on the general sentiments of the Team Fortress 2 PC community and my own logical thought process.   Aside from that, I have tried at least one round of each of these match sizes at a friend’s house, which in my opinion, is enough to intelligently judge upon them, at least to the extent which I do.

It really is a matter of preference which match size you end up enjoying the most.  My personal favorite is 8v8, but if I had the option, it would definitely be 9v9.  It would allow all the classes to be played on both teams without forcing one class to be used twice, thus creating a situation in which all the checks and balances of Team Fortress 2 can really shine.

Also, I have a theory that the unlockables have stemmed mostly from problems encountered in the PC community’s favorite match size: 12v12.  In 8v8, these problems do not exist.  For example, the Heavy does not require a Medic to be effective, the Medic usually lives longer so they almost always get their reward (the Ubercharge, if that wasn’t clear, negating the need for a more immediate and frequent reward, the Kritzkrieg), and the Scout is still highly useful offensively on Attack/Defend maps like Dustbowl.

It will be interesting to see how these transfer onto a console whose most popluar match size is 8v8.  Hope it goes well.

While playing with a friend of mine, having a rather boring match at TC_Hydro, we decided to leave the server and give Lumberyard a chance. The problem in Arena maps lies within their restrictions.

Something that bothers me is the fact that I am not allowed to choose between BLU and RED. When playing with friends, I always want to play with them. The worst case is: You will be in different teams, playing against each other. Then you will always end up killing each other, probably because you already know all of his strategies. This is an important problem, especially when you play the Spy. Because, you know, the Spy relies on stealth. Another problem is that my friend decided to play the Pyro this night. I guess you know what that means. My body is made of paper, one touch of his flamethrower, and I am dead (Why does the spy even smoke? Isn’t he afraid that someday he will burn himself with a cigarette? Still everyone continues to talk about the Spy as the smartest class..)
So, while my friend was having fun, I clearly didn’t have any. I decided to use my brain. I thought about using my knowledge of the movement-pattern of the cruel Pyro.

Indeed, I managed to stay alive, longer than the previous times. Now I was getting confident. Actually I managed to stab some people AND also avoid my friend, the cruel, cruel Pyro. But while I did my work as good as I could, the Pyro did his share, too. We both killed the whole team. Me, the blue Spy, killed one red Sniper, two Heavies and one scout (lucky revolver crit FTW!!). The cruel bastard, who was once my friend, lit up two blue scouts, and the rest of my team.

Now, the showdown: My friend and me. It was difficult to find him, but after a while, he just tried to capture the point. This was my chance. I was being sneaky as a rat, and I managed get behind him. The Pyro was clever enough to circle-strafe around the point, but with a perfect timing, I decloaked, and was ready to stab him.

But I didn’t. I hesitated. I still don’t know why. But something hindered me. After all, he was still my friend. I just couldn’t stab him. It was my death sentence, as I thought. The Pyro quickly turned around and pointed his flamethrower at me. I closed my eyes, sadly awaiting my inescapable death. But for my surprise, he hesitated too. I don’t know what was wrong with us, but in this moment, magic was in the air. We, the arch-enemies, we just didn’t do it. We didn’t follow the rules. There was no war, no blood, instead we laid down our weapons (metaphorically, of course). This moment was strange.

“O, I am fortune’s fool!”

Standing in front of each other, we just couldn’t do what the people wanted us to do. In this moment, we realized the people on the server would be angry at us. Well, we were delaying the start of the next round. We imagined them screaming and insulting us, but we both just didn’t care. Because soon a dream infected us. A perfect world. It should be like TF2, but without the killing. Imagine people, no matter what colour, living happily together. People could actually be productive in a world like this. Everybody could help anybody. Imagine a world where Engineers would build something which doesn’t shoot at people. Something useful. Heavys could use their strength to transport heavy materials.

Our vision became clearer, but then we thought about our position in this peaceful world. We were both skilled to kill. I was just a skinny little middle-european guy with a knife, and he was the flamethrower-wielding guy (or girl?) who forgot to visit a speech therapist.

“Spy loved Pyro, Pyro felt the same, When he put his arms around her, He said Julie, baby, you’re my flame,Thou givest fever.”

Eventually, we did what everyone is doing after spending a lot of time with someone while being bored. We just felt in love…(Yes, the Pyro is a girl. A Spy cannot be gay, of course!) We teased each other, ran around and we were just being happy. Finally we could do whatever we wanted to do. We also did things. Dirty things. As you can see in this picture, we had some kind of sex. Well, a Tf2-style of sex. After that, we decided to do a little picnic and breath some fresh air. Fortunately Pyro made a snapshot of me at the picnic. It’s a little bit strange, because I was dancing. But this cute little girl deserves a place for her pictures.

O Pyro, Pyro! wherefore art thou Pyro?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I’ll no longer be a BLU.

This is me, jumping on a log. It was fun for a while, Pyro made more snapshots. We had a great time, but we both knew it couldn’t last. Her family was the biggest enemy of my family. They had a strange on-going feud. The REDs were very angry at the BLUs, they were killing each other since many years. Pyro knew that. And I knew that too. It couln’t last… There was only one way, one route to choose. Suicide.. I didn’t talk about this with Pyro, but while she was changing her clothes, I jumped from the log right into my death. Pyro couldn’t live in a world without me. She followed me, she chose the same path. We were dead, and the War and the Hate had won again. Before our death, I took a last snapshot of Pyro. It was made in the good times. Until now it reminds me, how it felt to be in love. It was a short period, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me…

A glooming peace this morning with it brings;
The sun for sorrow will not show his head.
Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;
Some shall be pardon’d, and some punished:
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Spy and his Pyro.

-A fantastic story from a new author. it really brought a tear to my eye, this is the kind of thing we need. Bang up job! – Phoenix

I’m going to presume that you have visited the server. If you haven’t, go visit it. We have a number of fun custom maps, varying from the down-right awesome (cp_boulder and pl_frontier) to the really random ones (Pyro Tennis and, if the mirror is ever fixed, ctf_trains). We also have zombies. Now, the educated people out there (A.K.A. All of you) have most likely guessed where this post is going…

I’ve had enough with Zombie Fortress!

Now, those of you who signed up to the forums might remember that I was one of the first people to defend ZF when Himmelstoss and Clubtheseals wanted it removed since it kept breaking the server (Fixed now). So you may be wondering why I’ve had this change of heart. Well, the short answer is simple: The magic of ZF is gone. Every time ZF is on, I usually end up sacrificing to the Train God or jumping into the pit of death. There isn’t any point of fighting. As a Survivor the chance of victory is low. As a Zombie I might as well put a bullet to my brain before killing anyone, since that will happen to me about 85-95% of the time anyway…

Yes, I guess it is hard to both balance a new game mode and make it fun at the same time. Think about Payload. Valve most likely took ages to create a mode that was balanced, fun, and in the vein of the old Hunted mode. So creating a mode based on zombies must be really hard. And, personally, I don’t think the maps help. Wanna know why?

Because they are about survival!

The maps are basically Deathmatch maps! Well, except zf_dustbowl. But in my opinion, if the Survivors cap the first point on that map, I count that as a victory. If they cap the second point, they should get a medal or something for outstanding teamwork! As for the other maps, victory can only really be achieved if the Survivors stick together in a good position, and hope they don’t run out of ammo. Take Industry (Train God map) for example. There are two versions, CP and no CP. In the CP version, the Survivors go around the capture points, usually ‘B’ (The random building made of wood) in my experience, and stay together, and would win more had the func_capturepoint brush not been the size of the ENTIRE BUILDING THE CP IS SITUATED IN! Meanwhile, its CP-less brother has its Survivors hide or fight. Because of this, the Survivors aren’t together, and smaller groups will be picked off before they go after the general fight spot, which is usually the Train Tunnel.

The other notable ZF map is Twilight. Well, the Survivors usually camp out on the roof of their spawn. This is basically the ultimate defence, as there is pretty much only one way up there, a staircase which most likely guarded by a sentry, eight stickies, two Pyros and a army of rockets. This basically goes on until the Survivors run out of ammo, and then they die. Since you end up dying ten times beforehand, it kind of makes things frustrating. Survivors kill Zombies, Survivors runs out of ammo, Zombies kill Survivors. It gets boring. So how do the Survivors spice things up?

They use exploits!

Hell of a lot of them too. There are the small ones (Industry, Soldier/Demo on Tunnel, only reachable by Scouts, but in range of Heavy Taunts), the harsh ones (Twilight, “Hiding in the Forest”, only reachable by Scouts), and the clearly cheating ones (Industry’s Cliff Ledge and Twilight’s Roof). The last two are unreachable. This just ticks me off even more. After the Zombies died a total of one hundred billion times, kill what seems to be the last two survivors (One is usually a Medic), just to find out that one guy thought it would be funny to stay in an unreachable area while yelling ‘Ka-BOOM!’ in your face. And you know he will just do this every single round…

Then you have the Spectator Bug. Basically, Spectators (Most of which are AFK) will join one of the teams like a normal player, but won’t spawn. This means there is an unfindable last Survivor who most likely off answering a call. This means you have 2 minutes doing nothing. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Team Fortress 2 was designed to be frantic and fast paced. Waiting more then one minute isn’t fast paced. And this keeps going on for the entire match if the person doesn’t come back. And considering I end up going Zombie for 3 rounds straight, knowing that dying hundreds of times just to ‘YOU FAIL’ yelled isn’t very fun. But you want to know the worst part of it all?

Newcomers to the server expect ZF…

Since the server name has ‘Zombie Fortress’ in it, quite a few people join hoping for 24/7 zombies, just to encounter Gold Rush Stage 2, then go ‘Isn’t this Zombie Fortress?’. I feel like we are kind of cheating these people to join our server, but not very much, since they should have read the current map tab. Really, I’m tired of saying ‘No, we only have it on sometimes’. Then you also have to explain to people who have never played ZF before, in which case many people will explain to him, which gets tiresome.

So, why did I have to make an article? Well, I could have posted a thread in the fourms, but the UC forums aren’t made of every UC server visitor. Considering how many people I have thanked for praising my first article, I know you people have your own opinions, and I guess General Balls wouldn’t be very happy if he received several angry emails regarding the removal of ZF if the forum members agree with me. So, here is your chance to voice your opinion about ZF. As the old song goes, ‘Should I stay or should I go?’

Imagine that you had a frustrating day today. What happened that made it frustrating? Well, it could be anything. It could have been an annoying boss, angry wife, screeching 13-year-old kids, talkative taxi drivers, cheese pies, or cows.

Whatever it is that frustrated you so much today, you turn on Team Fortress 2, because you absolutely want to kill someone, or just burn ‘em all! So you look at the server list… oh my! Look at that server called “UltraAwesomeClan’s 2fort combat” and it’s the only server right now having 31/32 players! Now, you probably don’t like 2fort for a bunch of reasons. However, the map layout allows you to go Pyro and burn at least three players, so you probably think, “Oh well, I can still get to burn people!”

So you click on it twice and wait for the server to load up. What the… it’s downloading stuff? It’s downloading some outlandish rock song, and you’ve got the suspicion that it is not going to be the only thing it’s gonna download. Guess you got to wait for a while, so you should probably read something while waiting.

Fifteen minutes later, and it’s done downloading all of the stuff. The game is about to begin! You grab your mouse, puts your other hand on the keyboard, and prepares to spew flames of RAGING DOOM! The enemy team will regret not being on your team! They will learn how to truly fear W+M1!!!

…well, if there were any.

What the…

The server starts up… And you hear silence. You hear absolutely nothing that sounds like combat. What is going on? Is everyone turtling in the intelligence rooms?

Nope, there is nobody. The only one on the server… is you. You stare speechlessly at the screen. You are standing on the bridge as a pyro, wondering where everyone is. You’re in a real-life “Ignis Solus“.

“Where is everyone!?!?”

The truth

The player count you saw? The server client lied to you. It didn’t have 31 players. It had none. I do not remember how it works again, but the admins had changed the server client into showing a certain amount of players, usually 31, when there are, in fact, zero players.

The reason the admins do that is simple. They want more players to come to the server. Basically, it’s fake advertising. They want players to play on “UltraAwesomeClan’s 2fort combat” by using this, believing the server will be popular this way.

Ironically, it will have the inverse effect on people, making it unpopular fast. Major battles will almost never happen because of a untrustworthy client. Also, in a certain thread in the Steam forums, the admin is actually complaining that people won’t play on their servers, when they basically asked for it.

There were this admin who said something about “You should have stayed at my server! It got awesome stuff!” Mr. Admin? If you had never used the false player count in the first place, people would have experienced this “awesome stuff” that you claim is in your server. Hold on… if your server is lying about it’s player count… maybe you are lying about this awesome stuff?

I am not the only one who is frustrated to no end by this. There are, right now, people on the Steam Forum who are complaining about this, and made a list of all clans that use this (recently, I discovered the moderators requested the list to be removed. But the thread maker will send the list to anyone who asks him in a PM).

I would have mentioned names, but then I am afraid one of the admins would see this, go QQ’ing, and call me a “Immature, senseless, whining monster that eats babies” and say “You have no right to say that False Player Counts is wrong” …maybe I should have mentioned names just for the reactions.

In case of these Admins reading this.

Admins of these servers. Stop fake advertising! It will just give you and your clan a bad name, and nobody will play on your servers. Do you actually want players on your servers? Remove the friggin’ False Player Count. You know… people will actually *GASP* play on a trustworthy server!

Frustration Fuel

The worst part is that anyone that joins these servers effectively wasted their time loading into the server, and maybe even downloading (Though hopefully not a ridiculous time like fifteen minutes) which is a good reason why many players (me included) are frustrated by this.

Apparently, the admins expected players filled with burning rage to sit by in their server, waiting patiently for other players to pop up. What they haven’t figured in their thick heads is that players that join 32-player servers are impatient. They just want to kill, and they’re in love with stalemates.

Oh, and don’t even think about staying anyway, because any future players that join the server WILL ragequit upon seeing that there is only one player (you). Not even if you ask nicely him to stay, with the promise to let him kill you for achievements.

Grr… QUIT!

Okay. What would you do if you found a server that promised somewhat about 30 players, but then realised the server lied to you, and had actually only zero players?

I would ragequit.

This is how the typical gamer looks like upon the realisation that he is in that kind of server, just before he types into the chat “F&%¤ your server 4ever. Hope you and your s&¤/ server die in a fire” in the hopes that the admins will eventually see his message, and then ragequits.

You should quit the server as well, and then check if the Ubercharged.net server has some players. What? Only five? …oh well, at least there are some. After all, Ubercharged.net would never lie to you…

…or would it?

That question is left as an exercise to the reader. We’re not making any guarantees. Anyway – Eldrake’s taking the stand for the first time here on ubercharged, exposing a rather painful truth.

Some slight issues with the hosting company ubercharged runs on. Apologies if you haven’t been able to get on over the last day or so. They migrated the server that the site is hosted on to another server (along with http://boomercharged.net ), something went wrong, then something else went wrong, then something else.

Possibly spy related. Sapping or something.

I ended up just fixing it myself when I got home (stupid firewall at work blocks outgoing SSH connections, so couldn’t do it till then).

Anyway, should all be fine now.

They took a backup before the migration, and deployed that on the new server, so it’s possible that there might be an hour or so of posts and/or comments that got lost. If you posted something before the site went down, it’s not coming back sorry.

Life.

You either live it to the full, or work so you can live it to the full.

 
It’s the philosophy that a lot of us live by, and it works. The only problem with this is that when we do live life to the full, it’s often very hard to return to reality again. Inevitable comparisions are drawn between the best and the normal, and it often becomes clear that the best can logically turn into a place you wish you’d never been, simply because returning to everyday life can be such an incredibly uncomfortable jolt.

But is that jolt worth the experiences that life brings?

Oh yes.

This is Theminipanda in the field. We are following up on an outbreak of server zombie fever that has started on Ubercharged.net. The symptoms of SZF are light-headedness melee fights and writing article after article about the ubercharged server. So far it seems it only infects writers on ubercharged but it might evolve to effect the general population. I had a recent bout with SZF, but they put me on a 2fort drip and I’m doing fine. This just in. Our team has located a journal kept by someone with a severe case of SZF. Let’s have a look.

9/13/08
I just finished reading madlep’s article about the ubercharged server. It seems like fun. I think I’ll try it out

9/15/08
This server is great! Finally a place where I can eat Sandviches in a circle with other heavies without getting stabbed!

9/17/08
Feeling sort of woozy but still able to have taunt fights on the Ubercharged Server.

9/19/08
I’m starting to feel really weird…I am having urges to eat turkey sandwiches in real life and I can’t actually say the word “sandwich”…I keep mispronouncing it. We had a pyro flare gun fireworks show on the server  and it was awesome.

9/21/08
Clubtheseals has posted a great video about the ubercharged server and it looks really fun. But he was diagnosed with a weird disease called SZF. I don’t know much about it but I hope he is OK.

9/23/08
Okay, I think I am in trouble. I just learned that SZF is a disease that comes directly from the ubercharged servers! I have tried to stop going to the UC server but my body wont let me. I might need to go to the hospital.

9/25/08
I have managed to call 911 while the server was changing maps and tried to explain that a video game was making me sick but they either didn’t understand or thought it was a prank call and hung up on me. I think if I cant get over this soon I will have no other option than suicide.

9/27/08
Success! I have finally managed to get someone to listen and I was put in the hospital. The doctors have no idea what to do though.  They had better hurry because they just barely could stop me from getting TF2 on the computer in the paediatric ward.

9/29/08
If someone finds this journal I am probably already hopeless. I went to sleep in the hospital and woke up in an abandoned warehouse with a computer that has TF2 on it. There is no phone and the doors are locked from the inside. I think I did this while I was asleep. There is a giant pile of Mountain Dew and Fritos in the corner. I also have boxing gloves on that are somehow glued to my hands.

10/1/08
Uber….Server……POW! HAHA!….axe fights….NOM! NOM! NOM!….need…to write…..annoying articles….someon….help…..MELEE!!!!

WARNING

If you start experiencing some symptoms of SZF then you are advised to immediately leave the heavy tower and be a Weighted companion sniper for a few days. This, is UNN.