ubercharged.net

It’s been a year. A long, grueling year.

A fact that I just recognized two weeks ago.

If you’re wondering who this fellow is, and why is he clearly off his rocker, I’m The Medik, formerly Scoot, and I run maintain pay for UC2, otherwise known as the European Server. And, looking at my bill history, it’s going to be turning 1 soon.

What better way to celebrate than to have a week of birthday fun?

Saturday, March 5th and Sunday, March 6th:

The actual birthday of our beloved server is Saturday, and it’s only fitting to start it off with two days of downright silliness, courtesy of everyone’s favorite map, Mariokart (There will be other silly maps available, if you’re not an avid fan) . The server rules will also be loosened for this event, so be prepared to bring some music with you (emphasis on music; please leave the bonk songs at home), but keep it in moderation. We’ll still mute anyone who thinks it’s a good idea to play Be A Man, or any song for that matter, for the fifth time in a row. But don’t worry about losing out on the birthday fun because of some carpet-bagger who doesn’t even know what a server is took your spot, we’ll have a password up to keep the riff-raff out. I recommend that you join the UC European group, in order to not miss out.

Cake will not be provided, despite what the previous picture may show.

Other Amenities include:

• Crits! Everyone loves allcrit, right?
• Hats! Hats for EVERYBODY!
• As Live-As-We-Can-Make-it Music!

Monday, March 8th Through Friday, March 12th:

Now, if silly maps and silly hats don’t float your boat, we’ve got other activities. Consider it as the “Grown-ups Table”

For the rest of the week, we’ll be having a fine selection of custom maps available for your enjoyment, courtesy of my right-hand man, Tesla Tank. By now, we’ll have returned the server back to it’s normal state, so don’t worry about ruining your map experience with the constant crackling of criticals. (Alliteration is Awesome!)

The tentative maplist is as follows, if one wishes to download them early:

• ctf_atrophy_b4
• koth_fever_b1
• cp_freight
• cp_follower
• cp_furnace_b2
• koth_garbage_day
• pl_great_heights_b3
• ctf_haarp_b2
• cp_indulge
• cp_mainline_rc3
• koth_moonshine_rc
• plr_nightfall_a12
• koth_persia_b4
• cp_silvertrail_rc2
• pl_swiftwater
• cp_wildmire_b3
• arena_freight
• arena_oasis_final
• arena_blackwood

Be sure to give us your opinions on the maps once you’re done playing them, the best of the best will earn themselves a spot on the permanent maplist.

Odds And Ends:

If you’re havin’ problems figuring out which one this UC2 is, it’s IP is 217.163.27.214:2o715, or click the handy-dandy banner on the left. It’s located in glorious London.

For those who are interested, the Weekly EuroPug group is starting up after an extended hiatus. If you would like to try it out, just join the group, and show up when we hold one. We play by ETF2L rules, adjusted for however many people do show up. We are also not as strict concerning sticking to the standard 6v6 setup, but  do require you to do what your team asks of you. Microphones are not explicitly required, but we’ll all like you much more if you do use yours.

Well, I think that wraps it up for me this year. If you are in desperate need of server assistance, send a friend/chat request to either myself, or my cunning henchman/butler, Tesla Tank.

It’s been one crazy year for Team Fortress 2, we’ve seen everything from stopping an ubercharge in its tracks with merely a baseball to splitting the community in half through WAR which left over 12,500,000 Soldiers and Demomen dead. This year, five more classes got their grubby little hands on all new toys; Scouts are now running around with the ability to stun enemies or give themselves a third jump, Snipers are taking aim with bows and arrows or fighting back with their own kind of karate. Spies are now making you wonder if they really are dead, Soldiers are rallying their teammates for glory on the battlefield and Demomen are charging into battle with swords and shields. 

This year also introduced us to hats, the “King of the Hill” and “Payload Race” game modes and 12 new maps. We finally got to “Meet the Spy,” Saxton Hale gave us Thrilling Tales, we got scared out of our socks by the ghost of Zepheniah Mann for trying to steal his hat and learned the true history to why RED and BLU are fighting.

As the year ends and takes the decade with it, we’d like to thank Valve and the TF2 community for giving us such a great year for our favourite game. We’d also like to thank all of you who visit the site and prowl through our forums. We hope to see you all in 2010!

A background version of the image can be found here.

Day 1 – somewhere in Queensland, Australia.

It was hitting 50 out there, and the heat was beginning to assert its presence inside the bunker. While some of the gang had left for the holidays, most of us were here, relaxing in various levels of discomfort.

Clubtheseals was certainly starting to feel it, and took off his shirt to expose his rippling abs. The others weren’t so affected. Madlep was on twitter, furiously condemning Cleanfeed, Java, and the Melbourne train system. General Balls was in the bathroom, moaning loudly.

…Not again.

He burst out of the bathroom, with his fly unzipped and his Steve Irwin shirt covered in drool.He was carrying a laptop with the TF2 blog open to the latest comic.

“HIMMEL! Did you see this?!” he exclaimed with Pavlovian excitement.

I nodded. “Only six times before, bro.”

“Well, what do you think?”

“I don’t know. I don’t really play TF2 any more.”

“Well, this is absolutely ridiculous! A sword and shield? God DAMN, Himmel, what is Valve thinking? What are we thinking? We have contacts! Robin Walker, mate! We can change this!”

“Meh. I’ll consider it.”

“Well, I’m not the only one,” he added. General looked away sheepishly and sighed, as if he had just been friend-zoned. “There’s also everyone on the steam forums. They’re out for blood, mate.”

* * *

A familiar voice, and a familiar alarm.

“INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!” screamed the bunker’s PA system. It was powered by a 35GHz system custom-built by Clubs. Clubs revels in overkill.

“Your turn, General,” said Madlep, eyes not leaving his screen. Twitter was still open. “I checked it out last time.”

“Dammit, fine, I’ll check it out this time,” said General grudgingly. He walked to the closet and pulled out his trusty laser-sighted sniper rifle and loaded a shell in. As he walked out of the room, he paused to pick up his tooth belt hat, hanging by the door. One can’t forget the bare necessities.

A few minutes later, the PA crackled again, though the voice coming through was not one of a cougar with lung cancer; rather, it was our trusty own GB.

“Uh, I think you might want to check this out, mates.” We hurried to the periscope room. When I got there, I put my eye to the eyepiece…

A mass of several thousand people armed with grenades and rocket launchers was advancing on the compound.

“Can we get some audio?” I asked. Clubs nodded and flicked a switch.

Faint shouts of “OP!” and “Nerf!” started coming from the 2500W speakers Clubs had set up. (Clubs was a true audiophile. Others used to work here until Clubs taught them the true meaning of death metal).

“Oh, crap,” I muttered.

The Steam forumites. They came out of nowhere, and we hadn’t prepared anything to halt their advance, as we had back in the past. “I suppose that means we evacuate,” said Madlep.

The others nodded. Clubs hurried to the garage to fire up the escape vehicle. After he finished tweeting about the new development, Madlep headed back to the computer room to gather up essential materials.

“I’ll get some weapons together,” said General. “Crikey. The specimen. You’d better check on him, mate.”

“Crap,” I replied. I’d forgotten about him too. “I’ll handle him.”

I set off down another corridor to the door at the end. The forum folks hadn’t arrived in this godforsaken patch of the Outback without cause. They wanted answers, and only one man had them. I knocked twice on the door. A grunt emanated from within.

“Mr. Walker?” I called. “We have to go.”

* * *

Tesla Tank was waiting. Once, the tesla tank itself and Tesla Tank were separate entities – but interestingly enough, they fused. (Actually, he accidentally sprayed some fluid up his nose, though we often joked that he had pornographic relations with that fookin vehicle). It was our vehicle of choice whenever we had to venture out into the open from the comparative safety of the Ubercharged bunker – though given a choice between a tricycle and Tesla Tank, I’d have chosen the tricycle. Sure, the lightning cannon was pretty badass, but riding in the bowels of a sentient hunk of armor is always a little unnerving. And the flirting didn’t help either. The last thing you want to hear your tank say is “Babe, you charge my coils.”

“Come on, pile in! We gotta go!” screamed Clubs. I hurriedly loaded Robin Walker into the tank, followed him in, and latched the hatch shut.

“Damn, I’m not getting any reception in here,” said Madlep, as he put his smartphone aside. “I guess Twitter will have to wait.”

“All right, where to?” asked Tesla.

We looked around at each other.

Oh, zis is bad. None of us had any idea where to go except out.

“Well,” said Robin Walker, speaking for the first time, “there’s a prototype facility that we run in partnership with Mann Co. We could try that.”

“Well, we have no choice. Let’s just go there,” said Clubs. “All in agreement, say ‘aye.’”

Aye, came the universal reply.

“All right, Tesla. Let’s go,” said a grinning Clubs. “We can meet the others there.”

“Damn straight, babe,” replied the tank in a seductively metallic voice.

* * *

The scenes of carnage as Tesla Tank plowed through the mass of brainless whiners and the cracks of thunder from the tank’s lightning cannon are left to the reader’s imagination.

Also, tesla tanks can fly, which is why we were able to get to the prototype facility. It’s an essential assumption to the story, OK? Deal with it.

* * *

Day 2 – Principality of Sealand

“All right, seriously, what the hell is this place?” asked Madlep. “It’s a goddamn fort. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA.“

“Well,” said Robin, dismounting from the tank. “This place has the peculiar quality of being completely outside national waters. In other words, what you see here is its own country.”

We looked around. There wasn’t much to see. The place made the Vatican look like Russia in terms of size.

“It gives us some… freedoms,” continued Robin. “We can test out some new weapons and things of that sort without worry of international action.” He paused. “Follow me. Some of your friends are here to meet you.”

We followed him inside the fort, passing some display cases on the way. One contained the original 225 HP backburner; another showcased an assortment of concussion and EMP ‘nades, and in yet another was the coveted Valve Rocket Launcher. Legacy pieces, and further casualties of that fickle mistress, game balance.

“That last one can’t be opened by anyone save a select few, sadly,” said Robin.

We continued, and a few familiar faces popped up.

“Hey Scoot,” I called.

“IT’S MEDIK, DAMMIT. M-E-D-I-K,” came the angry reply. “What the hell, Himmel. I thought you were my friend.”

“Hey, Himmel, GB, Clubs, Madlep, etc,” said a blasé President Moriarty. He was standing in front of a poster of some anime girls.

“Sup,” said French Toast.

“I loved Abbey Road, man,” I said. “That was a good album, that was.”

“That’s just not cool, bro,” he replied.

“Cool story.” I grinned.

“Well, make yourselves at home. This place should be safe until a little while after we roll the WAR update out,” said Walker. “I’ll be back later. It’s time to update the kill tally.” Had he a hat, he would have tipped it. He left the room.

“So why exactly are you guys here?” I asked Scoot. Er, I meant Medik.

“Federal Witness Protection Program,” replied Medik. “We testified in a rather brutal case involving something I can’t tell you about. Plus, of course, you guys. It’s high time for a reunion.”

* * *

Tesla’s engine is quite a work of engineering. He runs pretty well off ethanol, especially if it’s 80 proof or greater, though beer works fine.

I don’t think I can say the same about me.

I think I just got owned by a goddamn tank.

I don’t know what’s worse, the hangover or the pineapple aftertaste.

* * *

Day 3: Principality of Sealand

“Ergh. Go away, Clubs.”

Clubs kept poking me. Normally, when he did so, Facebook would send me a text message, and that was OK. Real pokes suck.

“Get your ass up. We have a problem here,” he said urgently.

I managed an eloquent “bleh.”

“So that’s how it is, Himmel.” A pause.

OH DAMN IT’S SO COLD WHAT DID YOU DO CLUBS WHY AM I SOAKED DID YOU JUST THROW ICE WATER ON ME YOU IDIOT THAT WAS SUCH A DICK MOVE A THOUSAND CURSES UPON YOUR SOUL.

At least it cleared up the headache.

“Get up, Himmel. We got a problem.”

“What kind of problem?”

“See for yourself.” Clubs opened the window.

“Oh, ****.” I rubbed my eyes. “Are they on… rowboats?”

“Cheeky /b/tards. They don’t give in.”

I dried myself off and pulled on an AH MEN jumpsuit. I had saved it for a trip to the bar, but never really got to use it, since there really weren’t any dames over in the Australian outback. I guess that was a downside of life there – the only available people were other guys and fookin vehicles. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I made my way to the deck. Robin was waiting, along with the rest of the gang.

“So do we run away again?” I asked.

“Nah,” replied Robin. “There’s nowhere to go. We’ll have to fight.”

“So I suppose this would be madness, were it not for the secret prototype weapons we’ll be getting,” said Medik.

“That would be correct. In fact, let me introduce you to your two best friends for some time.” Robin gestured toward a crate lying on the deck. MANN CO, the crate proudly proclaimed.

This should be interesting, I thought as we opened the crate.

The Legend of Zelda “item found” soundbite played from the box.

Robin giggled. “Mann Co’s been doing that lately. They do know how to package their stuff.”

I peeked in, hoping for a pleasant surprise. Chalk one up for the list of things I haven’t received.

“Are you daft? ARE YOU DAFT?” screamed General Balls maniacally. “There’s thousands upon thousands of crazed TF2 fanatics out there, and they have rocket launchers, and we’re supposed to fight them off with SWORDS and SHIELDS?”

“Pretty much,” grinned Robin.

“These are the SECRET PROTOTYPE WEAPONS you’ve been working on?” shouted GB. “This is insane! We won’t last!”

“You don’t have to,” said Robin. “Those guys you see advancing upon our fort thrive on one thing, and one thing alone: disagreement. So if we remove the source of the disagreement…”

“The Steam forums,” said Moriarty.

“Yeah.” Robin shuffled his feet. “Unfortunately…I can’t remove the steam forums directly. The steam forums are blocked here.”

“Cleanfeed?” inquired Madlep.

“Yep. This entire place is subcontracted to Mann Co, and so all the lines go through Australia, where they get blocked by that infernal piece of crap.”

“Damn you, Conroy,” muttered Madlep.

“Apparently some guy posted porn over on the steam forums once upon a time.” Robin sighed. “So, anyway, the only way I can get rid of the scourge is to vaporize the data center where the forums are located using our Orbital Strike Cannon.”

“How long do we need to hold them off for?” said French Toast.

“About six hours. We need to wait for a good window, when the OSC is directly above the data center.”

“Six hours…?” I asked incredulously. “We’ll never last that long…unless we had some help…”

A steady beating sound came from the distance. A helicopter approached, flying directly over the fort, and four figures jumped out. They pulled the cords on their parachutes and gently floated onto the deck.

One removed his helmet and unbuckled his parachute harness.

“Hey. Remember us? We’re the Control Point hosts,” said Wes. “An alliance once existed between CP and UC. Long ago we fought and died together. We come to honor that allegiance.” The other three tipped their helmets.

“Talk about a deus ex machina.” Were Tesla not a machine, I would have sworn he would have been crapping his pants from laughter.

* * *

We’re were good hands, so far.

The force had stopped some distance from the fort and began shelling the place. First, they used simple grenades and rockets, which bounced off the fort’s force field. So they started upping the ante, and pretty soon, F-bombs were dropping from the sky. Scary buggers, they are, but upon impact with the force field, they exploded into four glowing pink hearts. Pink fireworks. Not a bad backdrop.

Eventually, they called our bluff and began to storm the fort in earnest.

The fighting on the deck was been pretty intense. By repeatedly charging into the attackers with our shields, we managed to do reasonably well. The CP guys earned extra points for bashing the fans with their microphones.

* * *

We lost the upper deck and had to retreat into the fort. An uncountable number of explosions rocked the deck overhead. This is what happens when you encourage people to play explosive classes.

I had never imagined I would have been sticky spammed into submission.

10 minutes to go until the strike window.

* * *

Two minutes to go, and only more door until the OSC control room was open.

More fighting. There was so much rocket spam that we had no choice but to fall back.

One more minute. We retreated inside the control room and braced the door. French stood directly in front of the door. The second that door fell, he would charge out, sword drawn. The rest of us would follow.

“Come on, boys, just a few more seconds!”Robin steeled himself as he completed the final preparations for the strike.

The door fell, and French was unceremoniously trampled underfoot. The mob flooded into the room, pinning us against the walls. They made a circle around Robin Walker, business ends of their noob tubes pointed directly at the Valve Software dev’s smug mug.

10 seconds.

Robin Walker lifted a disc off the table. “This, folks, is the current build of Left 4 Dead 3.”

The mob’s attention was captivated.

Robin grinned.

0 seconds. The strike window was open.

“Fetch,” he said smugly, and tossed the disk to one corner of the room. The mob stared at the flying disc…

and promptly vaporized.

The dusty remnants of the mob dropped to the ground, covering it in a fine ash.

“All in a day’s work, huh, folks?” joked Robin. “Though the damage to the fort is… well, catastrophic.”

The rest of our heads were still reeling.

Moriarty asked if that actually was L4D3.

“Yeah. Don’t tell them”–he gestured to the dusty remains of the forumites–”this, but we thrive off rage, too. You aren’t going to get HL2:EP3 for quite a while, I’ll tell you that.”

Damn it. If only the Steam Forums still existed, I would complain about this. I’ll actually miss them. I miss them already.

“Oh, and the OSC is above Australia right now. Want me to vaporize the ubercharged forums too?” asked Robin.

We looked at each other.

YES.

* * *

Stupidity never dies. The steam forums are back.

We returned to Australia, and are still hiding in the bunker, though Sealand makes a nice vacation spot.

Here’s to the community which has made TF2 as awesome as it is. A toast to you. Control Point especially.

And to the rest of you…

HEY LOOK IS THAT LEFT 4 DEAD 3

Gmod credit to sQUEAKYfOAMpEANUT.

IMPORTANT!

TO ALL CONVICTS OF LOCOMOTIVE SECTOR ONE

It has come to my attention that a notable portion of the prison population have abstained from attending the satanic murder rituals in the designated happy corner at section UC1 of the campus. Reports from the field have indicated to me that not only are our play-things refraining from offering up their depraved souls for holy cleansing in the coals of our Lord the Locomotive Deity, but they are so far fallen as to offer up weak nonsensical excuses for their absence.

A list of invalid excuses for absence that have been and/or will be made is as follows:

• “I didn’t know that section UC1 had moved 300 miles South.”
• “I have recently lost my arm/my leg/control of my bowels and feel less-than-inclined to make the trip.”
• “I have been stabbed/bludgeoned/molested/shot/yelled at.” (or any combination)
• “I watch Neighbours.”
• “I’m not a prisoner.”
• “I don’t know who the Train God is.”
• Any excuse which, in any way or form, mentions or insinuates the word ‘but’. There are no buts.

Any convict who makes, or appears to our staff to be avoiding making these excuses will be incarcerated in the mines of a free Korean MMO of our choice for an indefinite period of time.

I would like to remind all convicts that continued absence from section UC1 will result in dire consequences. All absent prisoners to date have had derogatory remarks entered in their criminal profiles and, as above, any peon that deliberately continues to avoid their designated happy corner in section UC1 will be assigned to WoW duty in the gold mines. It is absolutely unacceptable for any UC member to deny the Train God their soul, and we will enforce his will in the strictest method possible.

Your patience hasn’t been noted,
General Balls
UC Warden

IF YOU WISH TO MAKE AN EXCUSE TO OUR STAFF UNRELATED TO THE ONES LISTED PREVIOUSLY, DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING AS IT WILL INVALIDATE IT

Despite our vigilance, and the subsequent posting of the UC1 Server’s new IP on the server banner to the right of this page, it seems that several prisoners have voiced concerns over their inability to find the happy corner after it’s recent move to Los Angeles. While it is certainly my place to question the mental capacity of such convicts, bypassing this phase allows me more time to both remind you all of the section’s location and think up suitable punishment for such incompetence.

Now read closely, because I’m not going to repeat this for the illiterate. The new IP for UC Server #1 ‘The Cult of the Locomotive’ is:

63.215.74.192:27015

Alternatively, the lazy amongst you can click the first server banner on the right to join UC1.

You have no excuse now,
General Balls
UC Warden

So, we got linked by valve… again.

This is becoming kind of fun to wake up in the morning and see a nice little traffic bump that lasts a few days.

Anyway, welcome to all the new readers. If you haven’t seen the site before, I don’t blame you if you run scared after reading a few posts. Especially stay away from the universally despised competitive guide, and the forums. Doubly so if you are suffer back problems, heart conditions, nausea, dizziness, or are pregnant.

We’ve had reports that the ubercharged twitter feed is plagued by spam #hashtag promotions, Evony ads, and tweets about cornflakes. So avoid that as well.

And you shouldn’t go near the ubercharged.net TF2 servers either (unless you’re a train fan and/or lover of shenanigans)

Please direct all complaints to Robin Walker and the Valve TF2 team for sending you here. ubercharged.net denies all responsibility for any injury real, imagined, or virtual.

In fact, I’d just leave now and avoid the hassle.

Continuing with the series of articles on competitive TF2 written by clubtheseals and I: the Demoman. As the only Scottish class in the game, Demomen are generally expected to be the most all-around awesome folks around. Three cheers for Scotland! Apologies for the hiatus, folks.

The Demoman is one of the most versatile classes in the TF2, and that versatility makes him especially useful on a competitive 6v6 team. Accordingly, the Demoman has a number of disparate objectives:

• Area denial
• Forward support
• General splash damage
• Alternate ubercharge target

Area Denial

This is perhaps the most important role of the Demoman in competitive play. If you’ve played the game enough to understand this guide, you probably have realized that going close to sticky traps, especially those placed by vigilant Demomen, is suicidal.

Wouldn’t you know it, it is suicide. But that’s good! As a Demoman, you can exploit that fact to seal off choke points and prevent the enemy team from advancing.

There are two ways you could go about this.

The first option is to plant a carpet of stickies in plain sight. This usually stalls the enemy team for a few seconds. In 6v6 play, sticky carpets can be surprisingly robust. Pyros and Heavies can make mincemeat out of sticky traps with the airblast and the minigun, but they’re generally so situational that they’re unlikely to be around in a competitive game. In essence, it’ll take a while to shoot every single sticky, which is, naturally, in your favor. One caveat: the fastest way to clear a sticky carpet is not to shoot every sticky, but to kill the Demoman who planted the stickies in the first place. Expect the enemy’s scouts to hound you – more on that later.

The enemy team could either run over the sticky carpet (netting you a kill or two), shoot the stickies (which takes a few seconds), or find an alternate route (which can also take a while, allowing your team to fortify its position). If you can lay down a sticky carpet at a well-traveled choke point, such as the house at the middle capture zone of Badlands, you can delay the enemy team’s advance quite a bit, giving your team an immense advantage (read on if you want a visual explanation).

The second option is to use the sticky bomb launcher to ambush the enemy. This entails placing stickies in places that the enemy is unlikely to see them, like so:

The obvious advantage here is that you can kill enemy team members who are unaware of the danger; the caveat is that you won’t stall the enemy (unless, of course, you kill a player who is key to the enemy’s advance, such as their medic). When setting up such ambushes, it’s generally better to place stickies above doorways and on ceilings, where surprisingly few people bother to look.

Forward Support

Demomen are great for area denial, but they have another huge advantage – their mobility. The Demoman, in the right hands, is the fastest class in the game. What this means to you is that you can go ahead of your team and pave the way for them. To draw an analogy here: Let’s say that you’re rock climbing with a friend, and you, the Demoman, are the point climber. You climb up ahead and drive a pylon in to the cliff face, by which your partner (the rest of your team) can climb up (advance) safely. However, as with rock climbing, don’t go too far ahead of your team. It may help to partner with a Scout who can defend you.

Fast Mid

The Demoman’s sticky jump technique enables him to reach the middle capture area of most 5-CP maps (especially Badlands) in record time. Top-level demomen can reach the middle long before the scouts get there. The fastest jumps to mid are quite different for different maps, and the best way to learn them is to watch publicly available demos on websites such as GotFrag and RedrumDemos (note, however, that most of the older demos will not work any more because of recent patches). Moving on:

Once at mid, a Demoman’s job is to try to pave the way for his team.

On Badlands, for instance, you can lay a sticky carpet in the “house” choke point, cutting off the most important route for the enemy and possibly forcing them to take the much more dangerous “valley” route (the area under the central bridge). In the following images, potential sticky trap locations are circled in red.

On Fastlane, you could try to get on the roof of the structure on top of mid. As with a soldier, height advantage is enormously useful. Never underestimate the power of explosives raining down from the sky! But at the same time, sticky jumps take out too much of your health to use frequently. Ask your Medic if “Overheal” is right for you.

Capping

In some areas, Demomen are indispensable for capturing points. Once again, the same principles of area denial and forward support apply.

In the above scenario, I have sticky jumped up to the Badlands spire (the Demoman is certainly very well-suited to capturing such a CP) and am capturing it – in some sense, I’m driving the pylon into the cliff face. The easiest route that the defenders could take to get to the spire is the balcony; accordingly, I’ve locked the balcony down with some sticky carpets. I’m still vulnerable to soldiers rocket jumping from the yard, though.

Note: the Badlands spire is a bit of an exception, because it’s elevated and easily reachable by Demomen, giving any Demoman on top immense height advantage. In that case, it’s a good idea to try to get up top and capture. In the majority of cases, capture zones are extremely exposed, and if there’s any talent a Demoman lacks, it’s the ability to defend himself.

The rule of thumb really is to try to seal a choke point ahead of your team’s position. It just so happens that in the Badlands spire, the best place to seal the chokes is on the CP. Not so with any of the other maps.

General Splash Damage

I hate to say it, but by this, I mean spam.

Intelligent spam.

In essence, using your pipes and stickies, keep dishing out damage. Even if the damage isn’t enough to kill your enemy, try to weaken them enough that your team’s scouts can finish them off.

I’m not going to go into depth on this point; there really isn’t much I can say about it. The best teacher here is practical experience; for these articles, the authors will stick mainly to strategic discussion.

Alternate Ubercharge target

Let’s face it, all you Soldiers out there. When it comes to sheer destructive power, Demomen leave you in the dust.

My personal opinion is that if the Medic has a Kritzkrieg ready to go, it’s better to charge the Demoman than the Soldier. This is a common tactic in European leagues, where the focus, rather than being on the Pocket Soldier-Medic combo, is really on the team’s Demoman. The team tries to keep their Demoman alive as long as possible in order to land heavy damage on the enemy (the Demoman, arguably, is the best class for that role).

Unfortunately, Demomen are supremely ill-equipped for defending their Medics, which is why Soldier-Medic combos are so much more common. However, in certain situations (especially those involving Kritzkriegs, toothpaste, and cans of cat food), Demoman ubers can be just the thing.

If your team chooses to run a Demoman-Medic combo for some time, make sure that the combo is very well defended! Unlike Soldier-Medic combos, which can defend themselves, Demoman combos require the Scouts and Soldiers to stick around and defend the medic from the enemy players, especially enemy Scouts.

Scouts are your arch-nemeses.

Try your best not to mess with scouts. They can take you down in two hits, they’re hard to hit, they’re fast, and they’re strong. Plus, as a Demoman, it’s not exactly easy to defend yourself. You don’t have the luxury of rocket jumping away, either.

But it’s possible to meet a Scout and live.

(No, cp_well doesn’t actually look like that. This is a custom skybox in ubercharged.net TF2 server 3).

The best way, of course, is just to stay alive and call for backup. If you can get a friendly Scout, or better yet, Soldier in the fray, you have a very good chance of living.

Scouts are fast and hard to hit, but they also have very low HP. Two direct explosive attacks will kill a Scout.

To survive, try to put some distance between you and the scout. If you can lay a small sticky carpet on the ground between you and the Scout, you have a good shot at escaping (but beware of the pistol, it’s a surprisingly deadly weapon at mid range).

Resist the temptation to blow up the stickies prematurely. Even the best scouts forget about sticky traps sometimes. If you can leave them on the ground for a while, it’s possible that the enemy Scout will inadvertently go over one. You have to be vigilant, though, to catch them when they’re doing so.

Also, if you can land one sticky hit on them, they’ll go high in the air, where you can take them out with an easy airpipe. If they double jump in the air to dodge, they’ll certainly take fall damage, and regardless, you can send a pipe flying towards wherever they’re going to land.

Oh, and…

If you get a ‘Fro, you are likely to be respected more. When the enemy sees that hairdo in their deathcams, they’ll want to grovel at your feet. Guaranteed.

The top hat too. Everyone respects respectable Scottish gentlemen.

Sadly, I’m still waiting on the pseudorandom number generator to decide that it’s time that I get some respect.

Nobody’s perfect. That’s a fact of life, and there’s no denying it applies to Team Fortress 2 as well. You can airshot thousands of scouts and cap millions of points, but at the end of the day you’ll probably die to the Sniper who just decides to fire a no-scope shot from the other side of the map for giggles. We also all have our weaknesses, and even I can accept that I have my own, despite being the dashing and skillful player that can generally dominate you in the blink of an eye. Uh… yeah.

As you may have guessed by the title of the article, my weakness is the Spy. Even though I do really enjoy playing him, each foray into this class generally ends up with me looking at an end-of-game scoreboard with a ridiculous amount of dominations against me and a pitiful kill-to-death ratio. On top of this, no amount of watching tutorial after tutorial seems to help, and when I’m told it’s something you really learn with experience (Which I accept is true), it does make me wonder why I’m still basically at the skill level I started at after playing the class for almost ten hours. This train of thought, by the way, naturally occurs during those inevitable periods where I am having my face bashed in.

However, I know the two main reasons why I’m so bad with the Spy. Allow me to share them with you…

Reason number one: Bad luck

Yes, I know bad luck is part of playing the Spy. It’s just a sad fact of gaming life that occassionally a Pyro will randomly spray flames in your direction, or a sudden inexplicable change of the direction by the enemy will make you flicker so much it’d be simpler if they just draped you in fairy lights. But to me, it seems like bad luck just follows me around like an extremely stubborn Pyro. To demonstrate, here’s a list of a few “DAMN IT” moments from the past few days that I can actually remember…

• Getting backstabbed one second after uncloaking due to a sudden enemy spy appearance, then respawning and having the exact same thing happen again.
• Getting hit by an errant Ubersaw blow from a Medic-on-Medic battle whilst cloaked, after spend 20 frantic seconds moving around only to watch the battle magically continue to move towards me.
• Being hit by a flare that would of hit the Heavy in front of me, if he hadn’t been shot in the head half a second previously.
• Getting hit by jarate, escaping about 6 people firing at me whilst getting set on fire, watching the afterburn finish when I only have 2 health left, and then getting shot by a Spy immediately after entering my spawn and marvelling about how lucky I was.

I know, cry “That’s happened to me” or “This happens because you suck” all you want, because I can tell you want to. However, couple these scenarios with the other ways of dying to an series of unfortunate events, and then note this is only from a few days of play and not from extended periods of time, and perhaps you can sympathise why I have letter-shaped imprints on my forehead due to consistently banging it on the keyboard. To me, playing the Spy releases a constant barrage of disaster I have very little control over, that occur again and again until I finally break and either switch class or (More likely) ragequit.

Still, I can’t make any excuses for the second reason I suck at the Spy…

Reason number two: Human stupidity

I suck because I make the worst. Decisions. EVER. It’s true! I admit it! For each time I successfully sneak into the enemy lines, I’ll probably end up deciding that the best thing to do is to try and stab the Pyro spraying fire everywhere, instead of the sniper standing stock still whilst picking off key targets on our team. It’s not just stretigcal choices I’ll stuff up, either – I’ll stab an engineer behind a sentry gun, only to realise I’ll bring up the ambassador when I press “q” and desperately use my butterfingers to scroll to the sapper in time and salvage the situation. And here’s a fact; I’ll never make it on time. I’ll be in bits on the floor instead. Even the humble backstab can be screwed up, perhaps by clicking too soon and then rushing past the still-alive foe with no disguise on as a result. If you’ve ever wanted to know what a train wreck looks like in slow motion, just join a server I’m playing Spy on and spectate me. It’s a pretty accurate similarity, and you’ll probably get a laugh out of it too.

Oh, and one more thing; In a one-on-one scenario in an arena match, you being a Spy and the other guy being a Medic, what would you do? Stay in cloak as long as possible and try to grab an oppurtunity when it arises, it stand in full sight on the control point whilst browsing though your disguise kit for the Medic disguise? The answer, of course, is obvious. I, of course, chose to do the other option.

Still, least I get one reprieve from my idiocy…

My best friend: The Cloak and Dagger

If you want to talk about unlocks that drastically change the way a class is played, you’d be a fool not to mention the new Spy watches. Each one opens up brand new strategies and tactics when it comes to overcoming your foe, and the chances are that with a little experimentation you’ll find a Spy watch that perfectly suits the style of Spy you want to play. For me, it’s the Claok and Dagger, allowing me to plan my moves and try to negate all possible fallacies and stupidity before making my strike. The fact you can simply stand in the middle of the open whilst carnage rages around you, whilst the enemy team stays none the wiser, is also something that I extract a great amount of joy from.

It’s also the Spy watch that has led to my fondest memories of playing the class, which include waiting for almost a minute until a chain of 5 easy backstabs presented itself. I’ve also found it’s better for me than the Dead Ringer when it comes to covering up my mistakes – I’ve seen Ubercharged regulars think they have an easy kill, only for me to cloak up and then watch them fruitlessly attack corners and hidey-holes in an attempt to flush me out. All I have to do is wait, smiling slightly at the panic and desperation they must be feeling, and then finally attacking when they think I’ve gone and they wander off somewhere. It’s via this strategy that makes it so it seems that other people are ragequitting instead, and that’s a good thing.

Still, it’s not perfect. If anything, I tend to be too cautious, as there’s been occassions where I’ve just spent half a match doing nothing, refusing to attack anyone due to the fact thet looked in my general direction for half a second. Also, as you well know, you can try all you want and plot out the grandest of plans, but the events that actually occur will probably far deviate from what you were expecting. Again, bad luck will rear its ugly head, no matter what you are wearing on your wrist.

Aw well, can’t win them all. Maybe I’ll go the Scout instead, because after all, there’s no way you can stuff THAT up… Right?

Tick, Tock,
Tick, Tock,
Tick, Tock…

Sometimes, when the time is ticking away, you get ideas. Sometimes, the idea is simple. Sometimes, it’s not…

Tick, Tock,
Tick, Tock…

Most of the time, however, time beats you. Most of the time…

Tick, Tock…

But sometimes…

Tick…

Just sometimes…

Tock…

Something awesome happens…

VICTORY! *Insert Fanfare here*

***

Yes, Spy/Ninja Caps. A technique? An art? An annoyance? Maybe a bit of all three. But deep in the fortress’ walls, in a book containing all lost skills, such as “Offensive Engineering” (Which has been restored as of late), and “Capping the Intel on 2Fort”, there is a section on Spy/Ninja Capping.

Now, there are three different techniques to Spy/Ninja capping. They all have their advantages and disadvantages. They are called “Prepared Capture” (The most popular one), “Over Offensive” and “Incomplete Cover“…

NOTE: This guide was designed for A/D maps only. Spy/Ninja Caps are more essential on those levels, as they can help in a stalemate posistion. In a Linier CP map, they are an annoyance to some players, especially the Prepared Capture. Of course, if a team has gone Over Offensive, or has a Incomplete Cover, they deserved to lose the final point, especially to an Engineer…

Prepared Capture

A Prepared Capture is when you wait for the capture point to be unlocked, and then, when it does, quickly capture the point. You can not do this on Payload, however.

+ Gives the enemy little time to react after the loss of the previous point.
+ Usually no enemy/Sentries around.
+ The easiest/most likely Spy/Ninja Cap to pull.

- As you wait, your team is down one man, which could be a major disadvantage.
- Boring while you wait.
- Sometimes, the enemy can see you on the cameras while they are dead (You know, when you are waiting to respawn, you can look through cameras overlooking capture points), and will hunt you down.

Dustbowl Example: Stage One, Capture Point 2

Although it can be done on any stage, a Prepared Capture can be done easily on Stage One, because it is possible that the attackers find little difficulty in capturing the first point. Hide near the point, so that people coming out of the spawn don’t see you. Once the first point is under your team’s control, get onto the second point and watch the swift capture commence.

Personally, I dislike this method. Every time I do it (Excluding the method explained near the end of the article, but even that sometimes fails), my team is unable to capture the first point. Especially on Stage Three of Dustbowl. Ever waited 20 minutes, hoping your team would actually capture the point? Zorgulon was not impressed when he saw me on the spectator cameras…

Over Offensive

This is when the enemy (The defenders) goes “Over Offensive”, which means that they push from the point to a part in the level. This means that you can easily cap the point while they are away.

+ The enemy is usually too busy fighting to protect the point.
+ Can work on most, if not all, levels (Even Payload).
+ The more your team is failing, the easier it is to do.

- Quite hard to sneak past the enemy.
- Respawned enemies will alert their team, and try their best to stop you while you were expecting an easy capture.
- If you fail, the enemy (usually) falls back and protects the point, preventing further Spy/Ninja Caps.

Dustbowl Example: Stage Three, Capture Point 2

The main battlefront of the area between the first and second point is the little alleyway in-between the points. Whoever owns that section has the attacking advantage. Of course, if the defenders have it, you can easily capture the point from right under their noses. If you can’t get behind them because they have a lot of people at the alley, go down the stairs, which should be an easy, enemy free path to the capture point.

Actually, I recently did this as a Pyro in a three vs four game on Dustbowl. Considering both my team mates were Spies, and were both dead while I was doing this (One died by taunt kill while I was doing this), I think I won this match by myself. I killed a KGB-weilding Heavy with two Flares (Loving the new Mini-Crit Flares BTW) and good old Axi’, and then took the stair route behind the capping Sniper, saw the Heavy crossing the bridge, and when the coast was clear, made my move. When I won, everyone but one person (Who was on my team) left. Ragequit much?

Incomplete Cover

When a Sentry guards the point, but doesn’t cover every corner of the point. Or, in Payload maps, the Sentry can not fire at you because the cart is defending you.

+ Can save your team if the Sentry has stopped all other attempts.
+ Always funny to hear people go “What just happened?”
+ Easy to do on Payload maps.

- Sometimes, an enemy will stop you.
- That Sentry will still be there after you cap the point.
- Harder to do when the enemy has multiple Sentries.

Dustbowl Example: Stage One, Capture Point 1

So the above may have confused you a bit, so listen to this example. So, one of the most popular Sentry locations for this Capture Point is on the stairs, yes? Well, most of the time, that Sentry doesn’t protect the entire point. If you enter from the entrance at the back, staying close to the left wall, and crouch onto the point, the Sentry usually isn’t able to see you there and you can cap the point with ease.

Last time I did this was as a Soldier, with French UC member Laharl (Self Proclaimed DJ of UC) as my Medic. Capped the point, and took down the Sentry with Splash Damage. He seemed to have been impressed with my fête. If you feel like being a team player, inform your team (Especially your Medic) what you are doing. I’ve had a Medic run onto the point while I was doing this…

Right into a Sentry…

***

Now when I say “Spy/Ninja Capping”, I don’t mean that this skill is limited to Spies. Any class can do this, be it Pyro or Sniper (As I have mentioned above). However, there are three classes I suggest to do this. So, without any delay, the classes used for Ninja Capping!

The Spy

The Spy is the most obvious choice for Spy Cappping. After all, it is named after him. When Spy Capping, the Spy can easily do all Spy Capping techniques. He can easily cloak and get behind the enemy to prepare to cap without noticing, in which he can prepare to cap when the point unlocks or capture the point if the defenders are on the offensive. The important thing to note is that, if an Engie builds a Sentry in case his team fails, the Spy can easily destroy it, while the below two classes will have difficultly. Oh, and the new Cloak and Dagger helps as well.

However, the Spy has his weak points. Once spotted, the average player will stand his ground and Spy Check the entire area. This is a problem if this area is near, or even on, the Capture Point. The other thing is that the average Spy can not get into a fight and win. Of course, I do not doubt your skill, but you may need to practice with your revolver/facestabs just in case. Or just pop the Dead Ringer up. Either works, really…

General Example: Pipeline (Stages One or Two, Final Push)

Since the Spy is so versatile at Spy Capping, it’s hard to give him a good example. So, I might as well give one for Pipeline, one of the newest maps. During the final push (The uphill ramps at the end of Stages One and Two), the enemy may choose to focus on defending the point, or pushing their cart. When the former is too weak, or distracted, then is your time to strike!

If there is no Sentries guarding the point, then uncloak or take off your disguise at the head of the payload. Since you don’t have to stay alive for long, all you have to worry about is the enemy running to stop the cart, rather then attacking from a distance. If you can push the cart up the hill, so it no longer falls backwards, then the chances of your team failing reduces so much (Unless the enemy has done the same to you)…

The Scout

The Scout, the fastest of the classes, can easily rush past the enemy and perfect for when the enemy is Over Offensive or have an Incomplete Cover, and can also be useful for a Prepared Capture. The Scout’s BONK! Energy Drink can allow you to safely rush past the enemy safely, at the cost of them catching up. Sometimes, you can use it to distract the enemy from the current objective, making them decide if they should go after you, or stay at the point, splitting up the defence.

However, like the Spy, the Scout has his weaknesses. After the effects of BONK!, the Scout is slow and still pistol-less. You’re only ranged weapon to stop the enemy from advancing is the Sandman, which you will most likely miss when you swing your ball. Oh, and if there is a Sentry ahead, you can kiss your Ninja Cap goodbye…

General Example: Gold Rush (Stage One, Capture Point 1)

The first Capture Point of Gold Rush is a perfect example to use Incomplete Cover to your advantage. The reason this is good for the Scout is he can push the cart twice as fast as the Spy. As the cart reaches the building (Home of one of the most obvious Sentry locations in TF2, along with behind the corner of Dustbowl 2-2 and the final point of Steel), hide to the side of the cart, so you can’t see the Sentry, and it can’t see you.

It’s a bit hard to pull off, due to the fact that enemies go through the tunnel and see you pushing the cart, but try it anyway. When the cart turns the corner, try to move so the cart still protects you. With a little bit of practice, you can easily cap the point without the Sentry even firing a shot…

The Engineer

Some of you fail to realize the effectiveness of an Engie Ninja Cap, and I respect that. After all, what does an Engie do? He builds a Sentry to defend the point right? Well, maybe he can use that Sentry to defend himself. You know, as he caps. You see what I did there?

Basically, our hardhatted friend can easily control a point before it opens, a “Prepared Capture”. The best part is, once he has a Level 3 Sentry controlling the Capture Point, it’s tough to get down. Most of the time, the enemy doesn’t even know it is there before it is too late (a.k.a. you are capping the point).

Mind you, the Engineer has very little tricks in getting behind the enemy. This is the reason Engies are hardly used for Ninja Caps, because it is so hard to get to the point and set a Sentry strong enough to stop enemies before the point is unlocked. Oh, and on some maps, placing a Sentry covering the point is countered as Spawn Camping…

General Example: Steel, Capture Point C

Well, you could try Gravelpit’s last point for the Engie, but usually the enemy finds you, due to the cameras and the beeps from a Sentry. You also need to set up a Dispenser, since there is no metal nearby. However, the third Capture Point on Steel is both ignored until it is unlocked AND near a large ammo crate. Get there by going through the last point (Either through B if A hasn’t been capped, or through A if it has). Simply put a Sentry in a position that covers the two ways the enemies go to defend the point, and put a Dispenser down so you can use it to heal yourself.

Many times have I caught the Capture Point this way. Sometimes, I do die, but at least the gates from B to C (Which take an awfully long time to open) open enough to let my team finish the job. However, if there is a Sentry at E, you may need to take a detour through D (And jump down onto the ledge or pipe connecting to the ledge). But usually, it isn’t a big deal…

***

Well, that’s the basics of Spy Capping for you. The art of being a Ninja is now yours. Now go, practice these techniques, and call yourself a true Ninja of Capping…

Now if I go onto Server 2 while it is on Steel and see a BLU Sentry Farm on C before A is capped, I won’t be happy. I’ve seen it happen before. Luckily, we managed to cap A and B when it did happen…

tl;dr version:

Don’t bother. If you don’t have the patience to read the article, you don’t have the patience to do a Prepared Capture. Don’t know what a Prepared Capture is? Exactly my point… :3

When I first saw the Jarate, I wondered how on earth the Sniper would use it. Would he open up the jar then fling his home made juice, with the jar in tact? Or would he, as it turned out to be, just throw the whole jar?

Now, we all know realism has very little say in the world of TF2. But what if it did? I’ve pondered at this and made a comic for your amusement:

(Click for great success)

For a better quality version, see it on my Deviant.

Constructive feedback is very much welcome.

It was a sunny, beautiful day. The noise of the distant morning commute could be heard for miles, and the wind swept throughout the outskirts of town. The grass grew, the birds flew, and the sun shone.

However, there was nothing beautiful about the carnage taking place during that day. The sun itself was a witness to yet another bloodbath spilled daily near the two bases owned by two major corporations.

There was a ferocious battle taking place in Dustbowl. BLU team was pushing into RED territory, and RED soon found itself holding on desperately to their last control point. The Heavy had waddled his way back into a corner of the control point with the Medic strafing around him to prevent any future backstabs. The Soldier and the Demoman were waiting at the entrance for the enemy. The Engineer was already fixing up his buildings in a snug little corner. And the  Spy and Pyro were making their regular rounds about the possible entrance routes.

As arrows flew and the Spy came back with the smell of burnt hair and clothing, the Heavy noticed the BLU sniper was aggressively attacking him with his new weapons. However, where was their sniper? And where’s that little baby man?

None of this, though, bothered the two gentlemen who had ditched the action for the relative peace at Gravelpit. In fact, they were sitting on a control point miles away, having their own little picnic.

The Sniper got out merely because of an excuse about his bladder. After convincing the Medic that all he needed was a trip to the bathroom (and not surgical removal with the bonesaw), he hopped into his van and sped off to rendezvous with the Scout, who complained that his ball had flown out of the fence and he had to go retrieve it. Poor excuses, but nobody missed the two. The battle went on without them.

So it was, the Sniper and the Scout having a dainty little picnic under the shade from their umbrella.

“Beer?”

“Nah. I prefer tacos.”

The two sat back, listening to the noises of gunfire and explosions in the distance. Occasionally, the Sniper would go on a high perch and “fire” off a few arrows in the general direction of the noises while the Scout would hit his balls (he found a couple of Sandmen on the way). That way, they could claim that they were “part of the action.”

Crunch, crunch

The Sniper’s ear quickly picked up on the noise. He quickly reached under the picnic blanket for his kukri.

Instead of an open confrontation, he received a faceful of gravel that stung his face.

“Hey!”

The Scout brushed at his face, upset at the annoyance. “Gravel? What a nuisance!”

Suddenly, a BLU spy appeared right before their eyes. Dressed in a blue pinstripe suit, he looked far too well-cut to kick gravel in somebody’s face. He carried a gold watch in his left hand, instead of his normal gray watch. He looked at the duo with sheer disgust.

The Spy sneered. “Haw haw haw, what are you going to do? Run five miles and shoot me?”

“Ye-; No…” The Sniper was at a loss for words. How did he know? With his severely underpowered submachine gun, he could not fight at close range combat effectively. His kukri was ineffective at dealing with someone who actually knew how to fight hand-to-hand.

The Scout, however, had no trouble dealing with those “dime-a-dozen backstabbing scumbags.” With a single blast of his scattergun, the sneering gentleman instantly fell to the ground. And died.

The Sniper took off his hat to pay his respects. How often did the Spy go down so quickly?

“Not often enough.”

The last thing the Sniper saw was a silver revolver with a huge barrel and engravings on its side. He also heard the Spy’s signature cackle, the laugh that told him that he had been backstabbed once again. How did he know?

And then the blood poured out from his head.

* * *

The Sniper sat in his van, feeling miserable at his failure. Not only did a BLU spy dispatch him and the Scout, he had been chastised severely for playing hooky. Obviously, somebody noticed and tattled, although it might have been one of those cameras that she installed everywhere, from the dorms to the latrines.

How did she know?

He remembered the chastisement from the Announcer. He had been summoned after he and the Scout bought some tacos from the taco truck outside of their dorms.

*FZZT* SNIPER PLEASE REPORT TO THE OFFICE *FZZT*

He knew what to expect. The middle-aged lady sat in her arm chair, back facing the Sniper. The lack of lighting only made it seem more ominous. The stench of her cigarette was overpowering.

“Tell me, why did you skip out on the match?”

The Sniper’s Adam’s apple bobbed.

“Well?”

He scratched his head. Time to use the excuse that he had used so often. “Well…nobody seems to think much of me, ma’am. I mean, they claim I hang back too much, and-”

She waved and cut him off. “I’ve given you two unlockables already. The Huntsman and the Razorback. If you can’t make use out of them, then I don’t see what use I can make out of you!”

She paused. “Get out, and do NOT disappoint me again.“

Now the Sniper was lying on his bed. He couldn’t confront his teammates. Not after he had ditched them. His only refuge now was the pile of comics he had under his bed. Superman, Batman, he loved them. None of them had the merits of Saxton Hale, though.

Saxton Hale. The Australian Alan Quartermaine. That handsome, muscular man with the large amounts of chest hair and incredibly short cut-off pants. He was his childhood hero, his idol and model. And like the Hank Aaron poster in the Scout’s dorm, he had posters of him. Pictures, flyers, comics, even fanfic that he never dared to publish. Whenever the Sniper had a bad day or just plumb was in a bad mood, he turned to Saxton Hale for answers.

He started flipping through his comic book. And there he found his answer.

It was a comic. And not just an ordinary one. It had somebody just like him, bullied around by a troublesome BLU spy. And on the second row, he saw himself, reading a similar comic. It was him, discovering Jarate.

Just like how I am learning about it now breathed the Sniper in amazement.

Suddenly, he yelped. He kicked a chair across the room. It was all coming to him now. And something happened just then -

He remembered everything. From the ancient Aborigines, he saw the ancient art in his head now. From the ancient ancestors of long past, he understood the guarded secret. And from the Australian blood in his veins, he felt a connection to Saxton Hale – the Australian Chuck Norris. This message was a god-send, and he was now a prophet.

I’ll never have to worry about lack of urinary privileges ever again! thought the Sniper as he cut out the order form and put in the $5 from the allowance money Mum sent him.

* * *

The box came to the Sniper almost two days after he sent the order in. In it were Saxton Hale Jarate pills, a trophy, and a couple of jars. However, the Sniper didn’t read the instructions. Even worse, he didn’t even read the part about the Saxton Hale Pain Tonic. It wasn’t in the box.

The Sniper downed the pills. Within seconds, he felt something near his sides expand. The size of his kidneys tripled as expected. They started filtering his liquid wastes like never before!

After a minute, he had completely filled all four jars. And he still needed more.

He had to keep it a secret though. After all, the instructions had told him to keep this secret art to himself for reasons of “public health and decency.”

It wasn’t easy. He saw the Announcer pop a few aspirins and a few forehead veins after he ran out of a briefing mid-meeting. The Heavy looked at him with an odd look on his face, troubled by the Sniper’s constant running in and out of the dining hall. He told the Engineer to take his night-watchman post, as he could not stay for a few seconds before having to urinate again.

I really gotta buy more jars thought the Sniper as he walked to his van to take a trip to the local convenience store.

Hours later, the Medic came across the moaning and mumbling Sniper, clutching his chest as if he wanted to rip his organs out.

* * *

The Sniper woke up to a world of aches and pains. He felt as if a million little Spies were inside him, puncturing his organs with their butterfly knives. It felt as if his organs were shutting down. He was bedridden and had to be kept under watch 24/7 to prevent his symptoms from getting worse. Only the Sniper’s glassy, pitiful eyes prevented the good Doc from satisfying his curiosity on him.

“He looks awful.”

“Musta been the tacos.”

The Sniper took the trash can and vomited for the 14th time in the day. And most of that vomit was blood, too.

Being between life and death and teetering towards the latter, he thought of his Mum and his Dad. He thought of past memories on the range, living on his own in the outback before he had been taken away to fight for RED. Most importantly, though, he thought of his friends, his teammates that he had abandoned. He should’ve helped him – after all, he was of some importance, right?

“Maybe I should’ve been a doctor like Dad said,” groaned the Sniper as he gave in to his exhaustion.

* * *

White. Was he in heaven? All he could see was white.

He blinked. No. It was some sort of material. What was it?

A paper. It was familiar. As the light reached the Sniper’s eyes, he saw that it was quite colorful. The morning light was going through the paper, filtering the colors from the other side.

He turned it over. It was that same comic, the one he had read back in his trailer. Before he had gotten himself into this mess with that Jarate crap.

How could you, Saxton Hale?

Looking closely at the paper though, he saw discrepancies. The first part of the comic was just the way it was before. However, in the last part of the comic, he saw that the original drawings had been scribbled over. In its place was a crude drawing of figure reminiscent of the BLU Spy. Underneath his feet was a corpse with a knife sticking out of the back. And that corpse was on a hospital bed…

No…

He heard a chuckle. He heard the flicking of a knife. He heard it too often. And for once, he found himself helpless. Even scared.

The BLU Spy flicked his knife once more as he advanced on the bed, carrying with him a sinister aura. The Sniper swore that he could fit a slice of watermelon in the Spy’s smile.

The Sniper got off the bed and backed away. The adrenaline was pumping within him now. He took out his kukri. If he was going to die, he would with his face to the enemy.

The Sniper glared at the Spy. “How did you get in here?”

The Spy smirked. “Your poor fat friend was obviously distracted with his disgusting food. The Sandviches. When I killed him, he found three other sandviches just lying around. Fat got his tongue.”

He lit a cigarette. “I see that you’ve resorted to desperate measures just to defeat me. You disgust me. You were so gullible, falling for that lowbrow ruse I called Jarate.”

The Sniper’s jaw dropped. “How did you know?”

“I sneaked into your trailer. I gave you something from your so-called childhood hero, Saxton Hale, who is obviously in financial trouble. I mean, who would charge people $5 just to teach them how to piss in a jar?

“The truth is, I did it to humiliate you. What would the world think of a the great “Adelaide Assassin”? He now pisses in a jar just to defeat someone like me!” The Spy’s laugh rang throughout the room. “You’re nothing, you don’t stand a chance against me. And the world will finally see the fool in you. And I will finally be known as the best class in the world!”

Then, once again, he disappeared.

Blood pounded in the Sniper’s head. What am I going to do? His teammates were gone, he was alone with a kukri against a skilled assassin. He rushed out of the room in sheer panic.

“You can run, but you can’t hide!” rang out a voice somewhere near the Sniper.

He rushed down the hallway. As much as his sides ached, he had to keep going. he didn’t know where to go, or what to do when he got there. His legs just carried him.

“What are you going to do? Run 20 meters and shoot me?”

The Sniper burst into the lab room, where the Medic usually operated on his hapless subjects. He bolted the door and sat on the blood-stained operating table, gasping for breath. There was nothing he could do…

I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die-

“Peekaboo!”

An arm snaked out of nowhere and slashed at the Sniper. Had it not been for the Sniper’s quick reflexes, he would’ve received more than just a facial wound. Nevertheless, the shock of it all drove the Sniper back into a row of shelves, where the Medic was studying the Sniper’s urine samples.

The Sniper, bloodied and battered, looked up above him.

Take it…

As if on instinct, the Sniper snatched a jar from the shelf. What am I going to do with this jar of urine?

Use it…

“Maybe they should bury you in that van you call home!” cackled the Spy as he raised his knife for the kill.

Now!

The Sniper tossed the jar of urine. As it arched across the room, the Spy’s smirk was quickly replaced by one of shock. It was then replaced with a look of fear.

The jar shattered as the Spy received a faceful of the Sniper’s liquid bodily wastes. The urine stained the Spy’s Hugo Boss suit. There was a sound of electricity, and then the Spy was fully uncloaked.

“Is this…?!” cried the Spy in anguish.

With the last ounce of his strength, the Sniper stabbed the Spy with his kukri. Before the Spy died, though, he gave the Jarate master a look of agony, a look of the deepest hate that one could possibly possess.

The Spy spat out these last words through his gritted teeth: “I HATE -”

The Sniper took out his kukri and the Spy fell to the ground covered in the Sniper’s urine and his own blood.

The Adelaide Assassin paid his respects.

* * *

The following days passed quickly. After finding the Spy’s cache of Saxton Hale Pain Tonic Pills (which he took from the box before it was delivered to the Sniper), he quickly recovered.

The Medic didn’t get to satisfy his curiosity. However, the Sniper’s incredibly effective kidneys never ceases to amaze the Medic.

The RED and BLU Spy’s disgust for the Sniper only grew. “Filthy jar man,” they would mutter behind the Sniper’s back.

Thanks to the Sniper’s ingenious new weapon, he could now fight effectively at close-range. He would toss his jar of urine at the enemies. They would cower in fear and lose the will to live. They would die either from the Sniper’s kukri or from the bullets of his teammates. And even if they escaped, it would haunt every living, waking moment of their lives.

Even better, everybody was now grateful to the Sniper for saving his life when the Engineer accidentally left the task of grilling burgers to the Pyro. They were all a little disgusted, but nevertheless, grateful. And the Sniper quickly learned that he was now a team player, and that friendship is indeed golden.

After a day of chucking his jars around, the Sniper retired to the trailer. On his desk was not only a picture of his parents, but also a jar of urine.

And if you look closely enough in the yellowish fluid, you can see the smiling, rugged muscular Australian man who turned the Sniper into a weapon of mass destruction. It’s cheap, it’s found everywhere, it’s easily used -

It’s Jarate.