ubercharged.net

I launched TF2 yesterday, and immediately wondered if I’d launched the wrong game. I expected to see a bunch of stereotypical caricatures running around killing each other with guns and rockets and bombs and flamethrowers.

Instead, I felt like I’d opened up a multiplayer game of Oblivion or something.

Instead of seeing black guys spamming sticky bombs all over the place, I saw a bunch of idiots running around with shields, battle axes, Shivs, swords, bows and arrows, and warhammers. At the same time, they were frantically searching for random drops of tricorne hats, crowns, judge wigs, berets, and…Spartan Hoplite helmets. (And let’s not forget the crappy metallurgical simulator included free with the game, from which you can create cloth hats out of metal).

So what the hell gives, Valve? I thought this was a class-based multiplayer shooter, not a goddamn medieval RPG. TF2 is about shooting people.

…WITH GUNS! AND ROCKETS!

(Not arrows!)

Seriously, I’m sure the TF2 community is more creative than that. I find it hard to believe that this crap is the only kind of thing that makes it through the Contribute! page. Once in a while, the people who know what they’re talking about should get a say.

himmelstoss: http://forums.steampowered.com/forums/showthread.php?t=876987
himmelstoss: ^ excellent idea for the next tf2 update
Robin: hirin that dude

That said, is it any wonder that TF2 sucks as much as it does, with such crackpots on the development team?

And as for hats, why did they have to decline in quality so much? The first few generations of hats were made of win, and then their quality dropped precipitously. Now, the hats are either completely out of style or just downright butt-ugly. Blah.

If TF2 keeps going this way, what with the medieval weapons and meme references, I can only speculate on what’s next:

Tygrys, being awesome as usual.

The ROBE and WIZARD HAT (for Scout): combined with the new unlockable, the WIZARD WAND, the Scout can cast +5 Eroticism on anything! Including his mother! But as a tradeoff, he doesn’t get critical hits!

Mac Steam isn’t Valve’s best moment

Mac Steam, prior to its release, seemed to me to be the second coming of Jebus. Then, when it finally launched, it was less of this:

…and more of this:

The fact that TF2’s not yet out on the Mac notwithstanding, I at least expected to be able to play Portal at a framerate that wouldn’t lead to severe optical hemorrhaging.

I couldn’t. At the recommended settings, the bloody thing ran at 9 FPS, dropping to 2 FPS when I fired the damn portal gun. I’m on a Macbook right now with a 2.26 GHz processor and an nvidia 9400M graphics chip. The specs are better than those of the Windows desktop I use for TF2, yet at the same settings that the Mac version recommended for me, I can play Portal at well over 45 frames per second.

The problem? Steam’s like an elephant. It’s big, it’s clunky, and it never forgets.

This screenshot is taken from the activity monitor shortly after launching Steam. The bloody thing uses 124.8 megs of real memory just to stay open. And let’s not forget the fact that it takes up about 20-25% of CPU cycles when it’s idling and doing nothing at all.

I would have expected that the 2 GB of RAM on this laptop would have been enough to handle Steam and Portal. How dead wrong I was. When Portal’s running – at lowest settings, 800×600 – I had no RAM free. This problem persisted even after I closed all other applications and killed some miscellaneous helper processes, such as Growl and iTunesHelper. Basically, Steam and the ported Source engine eat up memory like a zombie eats brains. And the CPU thing is ridiculous, too.

The problem is that Steam refuses to use the native GUI controls, instead opting for a butt-ugly custom GUI, presumably because it’s OMGSHINY! That doesn’t change a thing. Of all of Valve’s works, Steam is without a doubt the worst. It’s clunky, it’s ugly, and it’s downright inefficient. What is it, after all? It’s a damn web browser, combined with an unreliable chat system, an application launcher, and an in-game UI. Clearly, Valve does not subscribe to the KISS principle (and why would they? They’re nerdy developers, after all. ).

In short, the announcement that Steam was coming to Mac was like getting a call from your girlfriend saying she wanted to come over. But when you opened the door, it was her mom instead. Blech.

As most of you probably know, I’ve been a little bit inactive in the Team Fortress 2 space lately. There’s a bunch of reasons for that: not being awesome enough to have obtained any hats; playing too much WoW, holding down a full time job in Mass Effect 2…

The list goes on.

One of the main reasons though is that I’m just plain lazy. And that I’m an Apple fan boy who spends all his time booted into OS X. Those two points are more inter-related than you might think. You see, TF2 and Steam require an antiquated and inelegant operating system called Windows to run. Thanks to the awesome power of my Mac, I can dual boot into Windows to do this. However it requires me shutting down everything else I was doing, restarting, chugging through an ugly and foreign UI, then booting up Steam, and eventually connecting to TF2 some minutes later.

Where as to play WoW, I just stay planted on the couch safe in OS X land, and Command-Tab between that and the very important twitter session I had running.

All that looks like it’s about to change though

Steam on OS X?

The Apple and Valve fanboy communities have come together over the last week with rumors floating around that Steam and Valve’s Source engine games are coming to OS X. Awesome huh? We’re talking about a May launch here – which is really not too far off.

This is all part of the new client beta that launched recently. One of the subtle changes introduced that only the web-dev geeks picked up on, is that Steam is now using Webkit to drive the UI. What is Webkit? It’s the core HTML rendering engine that is used on the Safari and Chrome web browsers. The old Steam client was really just a thin layer around Internet Explorer – which meant Windows only. Webkit is cross platform and will happily run on OS X.

And being able to just hang out in Steam will be fun. Steam chat is great, but I can only use it when I’m on Steam – which is when I’m in Windows, which is only an hour or so a day if I’m lucky – and for that hour I’m cramming in as much gaming as possible, so I’m probably not wanting to chat to you. Now if we could get an open XMPP chat protocol, it would be even better… (HINT HINT Valve)

So expect to see me around a bit more – both in game, and just lurking on Steam. Anything that help me be a lazy gamer even more lazily is all good. It also means I can actually chat and catch up with you guys.

More eye candy

Here’s a few more teasers that Valve dropped in with their inimitable hype machine style.

And if you don’t know the reference to in the Alyx/Breen strip below, check out Apple’s famous 1984 superbowl ad directed by Ridley Scott.

Update – official now

Here’s the official word from Valve.

March 8, 2010 – Valve announced today it will bring Steam, Valve’s gaming service, and Source, Valve’s gaming engine, to the Mac.

Steam and Valve’s library of games including Left 4 Dead 2, Team Fortress 2, Counter-Strike, Portal, and the Half-Life series will be available in April.

“As we transition from entertainment as a product to entertainment as a service, customers and developers need open, high-quality Internet clients,” said Gabe Newell, President of Valve. “The Mac is a great platform for entertainment services.”

“Our Steam partners, who are delivering over a thousand games to 25 million Steam clients, are very excited about adding support for the Mac,” said Jason Holtman, Director of Business Development at Valve. “Steamworks for the Mac supports all of the Steamworks APIs, and we have added a new feature, called Steam Play, which allows customers who purchase the product for the Mac or Windows to play on the other platform free of charge. For example, Steam Play, in combination with the Steam Cloud, allows a gamer playing on their work PC to go home and pick up playing the same game at the same point on their home Mac. We expect most developers and publishers to take advantage of Steam Play.”

“We looked at a variety of methods to get our games onto the Mac and in the end decided to go with native versions rather than emulation,” said John Cook, Director of Steam Development. “The inclusion of WebKit into Steam, and of OpenGL into Source gives us a lot of flexibility in how we move these technologies forward. We are treating the Mac as a tier-1 platform so all of our future games will release simultaneously on Windows, Mac, and the Xbox 360. Updates for the Mac will be available simultaneously with the Windows updates. Furthermore, Mac and Windows players will be part of the same multiplayer universe, sharing servers, lobbies, and so forth. We fully support a heterogeneous mix of servers and clients. The first Mac Steam client will be the new generation currently in beta testing on Windows.”

Portal 2 will be Valve’s first simultaneous release for Mac and Windows. “Checking in code produces a PC build and Mac build at the same time, automatically, so the two platforms are perfectly in lock-step,” said Josh Weier, Portal 2 Project Lead. “We’re always playing a native version on the Mac right alongside the PC. This makes it very easy for us and for anyone using Source to do game development for the Mac.”

Cheers to Drexer for the tip in the comments

Team Fortress 2 was released October 10, 2007, bundled with the Half-Life 2 series and Portal. Portal was the immediate standout, pretty much stealing the Orange Box show. Yet here we are, almost two years later, and Team Fortress 2 has become an insane success. If you were to show almost any gamer a screen shot from Team Fortress 2, I’d say there would be an extremely high likelihood that they’d be able to identify it in seconds. Team Fortress 2 has a massive, growing community, is more popular than Rick Rolls (according to Google Trends), and can pretty much be considered the definition of commercial success (as long as you stay away from the Steam Forums). So what happened? What went right and allowed such success? Well, there are three unique things that put Team Fortress 2 where it is today: the Art Direction, the fact that it’s Dynamic, and the brilliant Internet Advertising.

The Art Direction

(Image courtesy of Gameogre.com and google image search.)

This is a perfect example of some of the stylistic elements that make Team Fortress 2 so visually distinct. No other game looks anything like Team Fortress 2, and the style is very intricate and hard to replicate, as anyone who has ever tried their hand at mapping will tell you. “Pixar movie from hell” doesn’t exactly do it justice. I’d say it’s more like playing a game set in a retro propaganda poster, and in fact, Valve has outright stated that they based the characters on the art styles of people like J.C. Leyendecker and Norman Rockwell.

How does this key in to Team Fortress 2’s success? Well, there are a few ways it helped out. One, it’s eye-catching; I was initially drawn to Team Fortress 2 based on the fact that it just looked so nice in addition to the fact that it was made by Valve. Two, it’s distinct; you are never going to mistake Team Fortress 2 for Call of Duty, or Halo, or any other generic multiplayer game. Three, the art makes Team Fortress 2 one of the clearest and easily understandable games out there. Despite there being so much going on in Team Fortress 2, the art allows it all to be clearly presented. Each class looks distinct, each weapon is distinct, and the plethora of visual cues in the maps make it so that even if you have never played Team Fortress 2 before, you can jump in and understand what is happening in a matter of seconds. For example, the first time I played, I was unlucky enough to be up against a very skilled spy. I was totally psyched out the first time I saw myself running towards me across the battlefield, and even more confused when I walked past myself and ended up with a knife in my back a few seconds later. Then, when I respawned, I saw a friendly spy running around in a paper mask, and I immediately understood what had happened.

The Dynamic Evolution

The main reason that Team Fortress 2 has done so well is the class updates. Had it not been for the class updates, Team Fortress 2 wouldn’t even be close to how popular it is today. So far, we have received six major updates, and almost each time there was an update, Team Fortress 2 experienced a huge influx of new players. One of the most brilliant marketing moves Valve has ever pulled were the free weekends. I myself joined during the first free weekend, and in the subsequent ones I have convinced various friends to give Team Fortress 2 a try, and every one of them immediately went purchased TF2 after the weekend was over.

Furthermore, despite all the badmouth and controversy surrounding achievements, they (and the unlockable weapons they bring with them) are the main contributors to Team Fortress 2’s success. Call it grinding, call it unfair, call it gimmicky, you went out and did everything you could to get those achievements didn’t you? They made you play the game, from a marketing perspective, that’s a success. This is why the random drop system is such a bad idea, it led to idling, which means people aren’t playing the game. I know this argument has been made before, but when a gameplay mechanic leads to your players not playing, you need to remove that mechanic.

But I’m not here to debate whether or not random items, idling, or achievements are good ideas. So let’s take a look at this whole “Dynamic Evolution”. That is a pretty redundant phrase, though it sound intelligent so I’m going to stick with it. Essentially, what I mean by saying it is that Team Fortress changes and well, evolves as time goes on. Seriously, those of you that have been around for a while, just think about what has changed since you started playing. I bet you can’t name every change, there are just so many. Anyone remember the glory of the Backburner’s “Pluse 50 Health Boost”? How about when the only gamemodes were CP, CTF, and TC? This constant shifting means that Team Fortress 2 never becomes truly repetitive. Just as a mechanic starts to get dull and predictable, it changes or is removed. Growth of the game over the long term means that it can grab hold of players and won’t let go.Valve is in and interesting position now, they could sustain Team Fortress 2 for as long as they want, provided they keep updating. Eventually, the size of the game files will become an issue, or the graphics will become dated, but I would say that Valve could continue updating Team Fortress 2 for at least another three years and it would still be practical from a business standpoint. And even after that, the community is strong enough that Team Fortress 2 could keep going on for quite a while before fading away. I’d say that it’s ultimate lifespan is about nine years, as long as it took to make. That’s pretty good, I can’t even remember what games I was playing nine years ago, they’ve all faded out of memory.

The Advertising

The days before any major update have become rather formulaic by this point. There are four to seven days during which Valve releases small bits of information about the update, and slowly builds up excitement. The speculation and anticipation builds up, reaching a peak the day before the update is released. Imagine if the updates were just released, no build-up, no waiting, just churned out as soon as Valve was finished. Sure, the existing playerbase would be happy, but would it draw in nearly as many new players? During the last two updates, popular gaming site Kotaku posted at least one article each time Valve added new material to the page. That’s free advertising some companies would kill for. And Kotaku isn’t the only site that did it, many others did as well.

And then there are the Meet the Class videos. Each one of them is a short, hilarious, memematic piece of marketing brilliance, Meet the Spy being the crowning jewel of them. I have seen each video multiple times, and they never seem to lose their humor value. But more importantly, I’ve sent the videos to various friends, who then sent it to their friends. Sure, it’s simple viral advertising, but it worked fantastically. The fact that the Meet the Spy video was leaked actually worked in Valve’s favor. Not only was clever, funny, and amazingly well done, it also was surrounded in the controversy of being leaked. And of course, Team Fortress 2 fanboys were going berserk sending it to everyone they knew. The night of the leak, if you searched “Meet the Spy” on YouTube, about seven pages of identical videos turned up, it was as though everyone and their mother had uploaded the video.

In conclusion, Team Fortress 2 is an experiment. It’s a test, a trial run. Valve has used Team Fortress 2 to try out a large variety of things that they wouldn’t dare try anywhere else. When you are a company like Valve, and you are held to such high standards, you can’t afford to make mistakes. But because of what they did with Team Fortress 2, they can make mistakes with it, so long as they fix them. They can try out mechanics and concepts, and learn from the reactions that they get. And with that knowledge, they can expand, make things better. Most importantly, they can be original. They don’t have to worry about ruining a game with a bad mechanic, because they can simply go in and fix it. So they aren’t bound by the fear of ruining the game, and as such they don’t have to adhere to the formula of what has been done in the past. Has this worked? So far, has their experiment, been a success? They’ve given us a game where you can shoot arrows into the skull of a massive Russian who is eating a sandwich while invisible, paper-masked spies run around trying to avoid the licking flames of a raving lunatic, and somehow, they’ve made it all work perfectly. I’d say that’s a success.

So, we got linked by valve… again.

This is becoming kind of fun to wake up in the morning and see a nice little traffic bump that lasts a few days.

Anyway, welcome to all the new readers. If you haven’t seen the site before, I don’t blame you if you run scared after reading a few posts. Especially stay away from the universally despised competitive guide, and the forums. Doubly so if you are suffer back problems, heart conditions, nausea, dizziness, or are pregnant.

We’ve had reports that the ubercharged twitter feed is plagued by spam #hashtag promotions, Evony ads, and tweets about cornflakes. So avoid that as well.

And you shouldn’t go near the ubercharged.net TF2 servers either (unless you’re a train fan and/or lover of shenanigans)

Please direct all complaints to Robin Walker and the Valve TF2 team for sending you here. ubercharged.net denies all responsibility for any injury real, imagined, or virtual.

In fact, I’d just leave now and avoid the hassle.

Well, you did it. You managed to stay awake for the Classless Update. It costed you hours of precious time and/or sleep (Depending where you live), but you succeeded in being one of the first players to download the update. And it seems VALVe recognises your achievement, by giving you a rare, level 100 Medal to show your dedication…

Yes, bask in all of its glory. Show off to all your friends. Make all the deathcams with you in so much better. There is nothing this Medal can’t do. This Medal is better than Chuck Norris! Anyone who wears it becomes a God! Why settle for just walking on water when, with this Medal, you can call the water to you and get it to take you to your destination without you even having to lift a finger!

Why, with this Medal, you could finish I Wanna Be The Guy without dying! This Medal has the power to align the planets together, causing whatever disastrous ancient evil of your choice to be awoken. Heck, this Medal allows you to bend bullets to your will! If I was you, I would go get one of these Medals right away if you don’t have one! They are better than anything your girlfriend (Or boyfriend) can do!

Oh, wait…

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, VALVe decided to give the first eleven thousand, one hundred and eleven people who played the Classless Update a Medal unlock for the Soldier. I presume you have seen the new “misc” category in the loadout menu. That is where the Medal goes. There is also this page, if you want some proof of its existence…

So, as you can expect, some people have been rather angry that they could not get a Medal. After all, VALVe only gave out so many (Some of which were deleted by their owners, so people could get their daily facepalm), and the update was released late in the evening in America, which meant the update was released at about 3am in Europe. That means that most Europeans were asleep at the time, so some of those haven’t been very happy to hear that these Medals were given out while they were resting.

I didn’t get a Medal. I was at a camp site at the time, thus I didn’t even know the Medals existed. I wish I did get one, but, to be honest, I would be happy with any non-weapon unlock. I’m one of those unlucky players who has played for a long time since the update, and is yet to earn my very own hat, while people around me have one or two (Or even three) hats, some without having to resort to idling.

So, what should I do? Do I rage to everyone I know, saying how unfair the situation is? Should I stop playing Team Fortress 2, since it clearly hates me? Well the answer is more simple than telling the difference between meerkats and cheap car insurance…

I play some more Team Fortress 2!

(Or spend several hours writing articles about why I should play TF2)

Yes, really.

Why would I stop playing a game I enjoy because I can’t get a rare item? That’s kinda like not going to a theme park because you’re not tall enough the ride a couple of rides; they are always the other rides. Sure, you might have rode them before, but that’s the brilliant part of TF2. There are nine classes, nine different ways of playing. And that’s not including the unlockables…

Some people forget what the hats were added for. They are not some kind of device to enhance your gaming skills, nor are they some kind of advantage in the mist of battle. They are just eye-candy, a way to give the characters more personality, or add more humour to the game.

As for the Medals, yes, you may have missed them, but what says they aren’t coming back, maybe as a random drop? These Medals will most likely come back, since VALVe cares for their customers (And has the ability and time to update their games). I mean, look at the new Sandman. I’ve always liked the Sandman, but not everyone did, so VALVe has done its best to balance it to allow any player, casual or competitive, hat collector or hatless, to accept and enjoy it.

So, before you have a giant rant about the game hating you, think. Ask yourselves if this is an issue that VALVe will pick up on and improve or not. After all, no feature in the game is safe from being changed for balance and/or enjoyment. Just chill, and enjoy the game you have…

HOWEVER!

There is nothing wrong with having a small moan. After all, we are human. We don’t accept everything as it is and say “Oh well,” and carry on. That’s how dictatorships are made. No, people should be allowed to say “Well, actually, I wished that would happen.” It’s only fair, right?

Well, there is a difference between a comment and a full-out rant, and it’s important that people can understand the difference. Some people instantly dismiss any comment about someone not having only of the Medals or Hats as a rant about it. Be honest, have you ever seen someone talk about something that is controversial in the game, and instantly dismiss it that it is the same as every other rant you have read?

No? Let’s just pretend you do…

The thing is, the Medal was an unexpected move, and excludes people from getting one at this current moment. Despite how rare hats are, it is possible that anyone can get one. Chance is a silly thing, because if you say “That’s extremely unlikely”, people can say “Well, what were the chances of you being born?” Statistically speaking, considering the chances of your parents meeting, and their parents meeting, and so fourth, the chances of you being born are extremely less then the chances of getting a hat…

Anyway, the chances of someone getting a hat are low, yet still possible. So, what’s the problem with making the Medals randomly drop like the hats? Some argue that, if VALVe does that, then the Medals lose their value. Well, if you are one of those people, here is a challenge for you. Choose one of the new hats, spend a entire day playing TF2, and count how many people you see with that hat. Come back and tell me how many you see.

The thing is, people are angry for different reasons, and people dislike those people for different reasons. I don’t really understand it entirely either. I’ve given my thoughts about it, but even then, people can argue about them. I don’t like arguments, to be honest. I took a look at the Steam Forums for Medal-related topics. Most of the posts there were pretty much at either end of the argument spectrum. Those who didn’t get one either wish VALVe should make more opportunities to get one, or that VALVe is flawed, greedy and/or stupid. On the other hand, people have attacked those people with sarcastic comments about VALVe’s “stupidity”.

To be honest, I’m not sure what side to support. I disagree with only a limited number of people getting the Medals, but I disagree with the attitude some people have taken towards VALVe and people with Medals. I suggested on the UC forums that players should be able to get one hat of their choice for free, and then unlock the rest normally. Of course, in retrospect, that would make the sight of someone without a hat rarer, since people will most likely pick a hat for their favourite class, and then play as said class. It’s hard to please everyone…

So, where do you stand? Was the way Medals were handed out good, bad, or alright and with room for improvement? May I ask that, when commenting, please don’t cause or contribute to a flame war? I don’t really want to see a repeat of what happened with articles containing the Sandman. KTHXBAI!

Oh, and one last thing…

The person who thought a hatless, bald Engineer was a good idea was clearly wrong. And, thanks to Murphy’s Law, that will be my first hat (or hat removal)…

So, hats. We all want them. We wanna wear them, find them, boast them… But why are they included? They’re, as Valve said, purely cosmetic. Is it to make the fans happier? NO, you moron. Valve is a business. They don’t care about the fans, as the new game, L4D2, shows, despite all the FREE content, and listening to the fans, and the many bug-fixes. Only a faceless, uncaring company like EA would do those things.

Er… What was I talking about? Oh yeah! Hats!

*Ahem* After many, many hours idling, I have discovered the true meaning behind hats.

The Capital Vices. The Cardinal Sins. Of which there are seven. At this point, you may be thinking, “What is this guy smoking?” Well, let me explain.

Hats, and all the things they are a catalyst for, are analogies for the seven deadly sins. How are they related? Well, there are nine classes, right? And two of those classes were updated at the same time. What’s nine minus two? SEVEN!

ALSO! Two classes (Snipah and Soulja) have “Hats” that aren’t actually hats.

…

Okay, that was stupid. Let me continue…

The first sin is Luxuria. (Extravagance, luxury, ect.) Hats are rare. Rare things are fancy. Lavish. Wearing a hat shows off that you have it. Luxurious indeed. This sin is often substituted for Cupida, or Lust. Makes sense. If you don’t have a hat, you lust over it. You MUST have a hat. It is a LIFE AND DEATH MATTER that you get a hat. Next sin;

Gula, or Gluttony. There are two types of people in this world, each committing a fair share of sins; People without hats, and people with hats. People with hats are often very lucky. Like, so lucky they could cause a Casino to go bankrupt within hours. If these people are lucky, they often get hats. The hats take them over. They spoil themselves. They delete their hard-earned Sandviches and Backburners to get MORE AND MORE HATS. IT DOESN’T MATTER IF IT’S A DUPLICATE, THEY NEEEEEEED THE HATS. As such, they are gluttons.

Avaritia, or Greed. Pretty much the same as the above paragraph.

Acedia, or Apathetic-ness. Often substituted with Sloth or Despair. People without hats feel this a lot. After your hundredth hour idling, you get kinda depressed about your lack of headgear. I know I have. I know you have. Next sin.

Ira, or Wrath. What do you do when things go bad? When you get ambushed by a BackBurner W+M1 Pyro? When you turn a corner into a Crocket?

…

When you see someone with a hat you don’t have?

That’s right, you RAGE. And when you RAGE, you RAGE hard.

Then we have Invidia, or Envy. Rather self explanatory. You see hat wearing jerk, you feel envious.

Finally, we have Superbia, or Pride. Wearing a Hat is a statement. The kind a of statement that yells; “I NEEEED ATTENTION CAUSE I HAS A HAT.” Kind of prideful, eh?

This is my reasoning for what I know to be true. Hats are the work of the TRAIN GOD DEVIL. SAVE YOURSELVES BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!

LUNCHBAG FU! The innovative and compelling kung fu based dynamic lunchbag attack system only from Valve!

Hating the Jarate and it’s weakening effects? FIGHT BACK! In these easy steps:

1. Consume Sandvich(s) – high fibre multigrain bread is best.
2. Obtain newspaper
3. Relocate to lunchbag filling station
4. Wait. Patiently. Do crossword
5. Fill lunchbag
6. Warn teammates not to enter the lunchbag filling station for a few minutes
7. DEPLOY LUNCHBAG FU!

So easy and satisfying. Heavy is VERY happy with Lunchbag Fu! Sniper… not so happy.

That’s where we’ve sunk to…

There has been some talk about the Jarate. Some say it is in poor taste. Others that it is just some random April fools joke blown way out of proportion.

Personally, I’m relieved with the Jarate introduced in the latest class update. It doesn’t take a whiz to realise Valve is looking out for number one, but I could see how you would be pissed over the whole situation. In the current economic situation it’s possible that Valve is just taking a slash at costs, and rushing things out. But really, they’re just answering the call of nature. Who could blame them for spending a penny on this one?

Yes, that’s right. How quickly we’ve reached the bottom of the barrel in terms of cheap laughs. Toilet humor – specifically pee humor. Only Valve could take a public sanitation issue and turn it into a major gameplay mechanic. Not that we here at ubercharged are trying to take the moral high ground on this one. I’m looking forward to playing as the heavy when he gets his s**t eating grin on.

We should have seen this coming

In some ways, this is a really natural progression. What did you all expect? Lets look at Valve’s other games:

Half-life 1

The staff of the Black Mesa research facility may have had to put up with transdimensional aliens violating their occupational health & safety code, but they didn’t want for state of the art rest rooms. There is even an ample supply of paper thanks to a little known delivery feature of the Black Mesa transport system.

Rumor has it there was even an advanced research project to dispense soap via quantum entanglement

Half-life 2

OK, this is where Valve started getting weird. Yeah, City 17 had it’s share of derelict restrooms. That is nothing new in a game. Where things go strange is in the Deathmatch release. Specifically the usage of the gravity gun, and various plumbing fixtures.

Any game that releases marketing material promoting the benefits of hurling toilets at your enemies is starting to get a little… odd. You can see the evolution of Jarate directly from this moment.

Hell, there’s even a t-shirt about it. It’s that deeply ingrained into the Valve mindset.

Portal

Not too much going on here. But at the start of the game, you are looking straight at a toilet bowl. In fact, you’re trapped in a perspex box with very little BUT the toilet. Slightly odd? Yeah, but not as bad as some other stuff.

Left 4 Dead

Yup. Toilets.

But What about Team Fortress 2?

See a pattern with all these games? They have toilets. Nothing major. Most places humans reside have one. It’s a basic requirement for living people.

But what do you never see in TF2? That’s right. The old white porcelain bowl.

So it’s only natural that the Sniper would have to do his business, and come up with… creative… ways of dealing with it.

And so we can expect more pissing around with this crap from the other classes.

Starting with the heavy.
With his bag.
And you know what’s in the bag?… It’s not sandviches… At least they aren’t sandviches anymore.

This is an article that’s been brewing for a long time. There’s a billion articles telling you to thank people on this site, and recently complaining about the unlocks has gotten a little absurd. Just look at all that fuss over the Sandman. There is one thing you need to know, and you need to know it now.

(credit to loafaries for the image)

What’s that? You’re helping your team? Well thank you for doing what you’re supposed to be doing.  There is nothing wrong with giving some thanks, but you know what? Valve did that FOR you. Everytime you take a teleporter, your character thanks the Engie. Every time you get healed, your character thanks the Medic. Bind “thanks” to a key all you want, but when you actually threaten to stop doing your job until a Soldier stands still, fumbles with his keyboard, and gets sniped every time you point your mouse in his direction, you need to stop being such a brat.

"Oh, hold on, let me just find my "thank you" key while this uber runs out."

Every member of your team is helping. Mr-Hyper-Sandman-Scout is helping by stopping people shooting at you and distracting the enemy. Mr-Kill-Streak-Soldier is helping your team by stopping you from getting overrun by enemies. Mr-Very-Paranoid-Pyro is helping keeping Spies away and causing fear and confusion in the enemies. Mr.Downright-Deranged-Demoman is stopping them from easily getting to key areas. Are you getting the point yet? Every class is helping out, not just the Medic and the Engineer. If you see yourself as some kind of martyr, playing a class just to help out and whining at your teammates for not being more vocally grateful, then you need to go play a class you DO enjoy. Some people actually genuinely enjoy Medic and Engineer.
The second this is a little more obvious- valve didn’t sell you this game as being updated and having cool new weapons fit in. None of the new weapons are so overpowered as to make it impossible to play without them. And if they’re “so awful” then go back to playing with the old ones! They haven’t “ruined” the Sniper, because you can still use all the old weapons. No one is forcing you to use Jarate, you whiners.

So yes, thanking people is nice. It’s  polite thing to do, and reflects that if you only cared about yourself you’d be doing something that’s better for your points. But it is NOT mandatory, and you should NEVER punish people for not doing it, because they’re helping too. And while it’s okay to point out whether you like or dislike something Valve has done, remember that they’re doing this all out of the kindness of their hearts, and they DO listen to the fans.

And honestly, who doesn't love Jarate. You're never too old for a good urine joke.

Imagine you are an 8 year old kid. Your dad spends weeks telling you how great your Birthday presents are going to be. You spend days wondering what they will be and he lets you shake a different box every day. He had always given you awesome gifts in the past.

The day finally comes and you get in the car with him to go get a cake. Once you are on the highway, your dad takes out brass knuckles, beats the s*** out of you, and kicks you out of the car. Then, hurt and angry, you walk back to your house. When you get there you see all your friends leaving the house with your awesome presents. You see your dad and he hands you 3 of the same video game you got last year. When you ask him what is going on he tells you he is giving them to you to trade with your friends.

All your friends bought this game too but when you go to try to leave the house to try to trade with them your dad locks you in the basement.

I’m pretty sure you’ve all seen today’s spy/sniper update page. If you haven’t, wander over and have a look. It’s full of goodness. It tells the story of a weakling sniper, and his frustration at being pounded on by the spy leads him to learn the art of Jarate (the jar based karate).

I was reading the comic, thinking that it all seemed very familiar. First I figured it was just an echo of a troubled childhood of my own, but then I saw Kowl Slaw’s thread in the forum linking to the original, and it all made sense (I mean, I avoided the beach as a child, the sand kicking in face bit is about right).

Spot any similarities to the new TF2 version?

Anyway, it turns out that the original Charles Atlas version has a long and proud history of comic book parody. Not being much of a comic book aficionado, I missed the reference. But I still think it’s cool all the same.