ubercharged.net

It is with considerable trepidation that I publish the following announcement, issued by the Administrator for the attention of all readers of Ubercharged.net.

For the immediate attention of all employees

Underlings,

You will recall when, eight months ago and against my better instinct, I relaxed the dress code for company employees. More specifically, I removed the ban on non-practical headgear (a rule that certain employees never took with the deadly sincerity it was meant). This was an act of incredible generosity on my part, and I am sure I need not strain my typewriting muscles with the unnecessary addendum that such acts are not in my nature. Bearing this in mind, it is with the utmost disappointment that I must inform you that a number of employees are already abusing their privileges. Privileges that I may revoke at any time.

As your Administrator, I remind you that I am always watching, and it has consequently come to my attention that many of you have begun to wear headwear that can only be described as inappropriate. There appears to be a mistaken assumption in the workplace that hats bestow a certain authority to the wearer, and any such garment, regardless of how idiotic it appears to all sane personnel, is inherently dignified. Let me tell you in no uncertain terms that this assumption is categorically false. I therefore remind you that none of you has any dignity or authority whatsoever and the only reverence you should be showing is to be directed at me, your employer. An employer that needs no absurd headwear to convey their absolute disdain and anger at those of you who continue to busy themselves with ridiculous accessories.

My assistant reliably informs me that the “Hallowe’en Event” of last year was “fun” and “team-building”, terms which do not feature in my vocabulary, although I was assured they were constructive. As part of this event, our supplier issued many of you with antique opera hats, which, although utterly tasteless and dreadful in every way, were apparently “festive”. At the behest of my advisers, who have subsequently found themselves sealed in disused mine shafts, I allowed you to wear them. To my considerable bafflement, an alarming number of you continue to wear these ghastly accoutrements three months down the line. Although my own observations have not noticed a lack of productivity as a direct result of this, be advised that I am hereby cutting leisure time allowances, effective immediately, just to make sure.

In addition, reports from company medical and psychiatric staff have informed me that there is a sickening tide of what they risibly term “hatmania” among the workforce. An increasing number of individuals are concerning themselves with their headgear to an unhealthy extent. As you are, without exception, third-rate pond scum, I do not trouble myself with your many trivial obsessions. Until, that is, they preclude the efficient completion of the jobs you are being paid to complete. I hereby insist that you cease this foolish blathering about hats and helmets and get back to work before I am forced to “motivate” you. I have received reports of employees (now detained for their own protection) crudely fixing makeshift structures of scrap metal to their foreheads and earnestly telling their bemused comrades that it is a fedora. You will not be so fortunate.

Internal Communications have received countless complaints from some of you that my uncharacteristic charity in repealing the ban, and making the headgear catalogue of our esteemed partners at Mann Co. available to you was somehow not enough. “No,” they bawl like disgusting infants. “You have not given me a hat of my own!”

I consider it my duty as Administrator to respond to such grievances personally, and rest assured all those who complained have been transported to the nearest gravel pit and their heads furnished with small metal accessories by my personal security detail.

As for the rest of you, I end this note by reminding you that you are bloodthirsty mercenaries who are only saved from a life of asylums, prison camps and early death by your employers, who expect you to perform your jobs with complete dedication, and have absolutely no requirements to maintain your basic human rights.

Now, get out of my sight

- The Administrator

PS- All employees are reminded that Mann Co Camera Beard technology is to be used only for work-related espionage and not for the impersonation of historical figures. Henceforth anyone in breach of this will be subject to strict disciplinary action.

You have been warned.

Thanks to Tygrys for another brilliant image of horrible, yet entirely deserved, slaughter.

Indulge me dear reader; just the other day I was playing a game of Team Fortress Two with my good companion Sir Tygrys when an observation was made. Checking the scoreboards, one notices that many of you are sporting digital avatars that are ill-fitting for such a Gentle Manne’s game.

Now perhaps you can get away with this shameful display on other counties of the Internet, but this is Ubercharged; my companion and I agreed we must do something about it.

And so Sir Tygrys, being a master of the arts, began work producing a collection of Team Fortress 2 inspired portraits tailored for Gentle Menne with an eye for the latest in style. Before presentation I must insist that neither of us will be held responsible if, upon glancing these works of art, your monocle falls into your tea.

But without further ado allow me to present to you our works, complete with the accompanying press release from the newly formed T&T Industries:

T&T Industries is happy to announce the release of our very own avatar pack, more precisely the ‘T&T Industries Classy Classes Avatar Pack’.

This pack was specially designed for all of you who understand the need to be classy in all your digital ventures. This splendid pack comes in two styles: BLU and RED, to suit individual customer preferences. You will find that they have been readily scaled down to 184×184 pixels, so they are immediately ready to use on Steam the very moment you download them to your drive.

All of these spiffing avatars were made by two masters of fine art – Sir Tygrys Murdock and Sir Tesla Sherbonk, with extra thanks to Sir Dont for improving the quality of the original images. Should you encounter either of them during your exploits in digital space, be sure to bid them thanks; they’ll be ecstatic to hear their work is appreciated.

Now go ahead and enjoy this fine art as we have prepared for you.

Remember our motto – quality is of the utmost importance and we strive to satisfy all of our customers.

Signed: T&T Industries Chairman of marketing

Willbur McTrackingster

You can download the newly improved v2 pack HERE, thanks to our friend Dont. You may also wish peruse the full sized imagery whilst you await the cheeseboard. Lastly, to those of you whom have no interest in showing some class, may I perchance interest you in a job sweeping out my chimney?

There’s a lot to hate about the Dead Ringer.

It’s widely accepted that most people stopped reliably falling for disguises when looking straight at a player about five days after Team Fortress 2 left closed beta. The disguise isn’t useless, for sure- it keeps sentries from killing you, out of the corner of your eye, if you see the enemy colour you’ll spin around and if you see a friendly you won’t, and in the middle of battle you won’t spy check much. But it’s not as powerful a tool as it used to be, even as it’s tweaked to be more and more believable.

Because of this, a lot of spies use invisibility as their only tool to get behind the enemy and sneak up to their target. If you’re that kind of spy, you’ll probably have dismissed the Dead Ringer right away. Not only can you not uncloak near your target without an ear splitting racket giving you away, but you can’t cloak at will and if you’re even a single percent under full cloak, you can’t cloak at all. With either other watch, uncloaking is still annoyingly loud, but it can be drowned out to some extent by the sounds of battle. And with those watches, even a silver of cloak is enough to make you invisible for at least a moment.

However, the main problem I’ve always had with the Dead Ringer is that it’s so buggy it makes the backstab look accurate.

It often seems to have a delay between when it pops open and when it’s actually going to activate. It will extinguish flames, but Jarate stays on you. You can refill from dispensers, but no shimmer and damage reduction stop after 6.5 seconds. If someone activates your Dead Ringer, it counts as killing you while invisible and gives out false achievements. Ragdoll physics snap in half when the DR is involved. And last but not least, it hands out false dominations and revenges. Dominating a DR spy? Well if you activate his DR, it might just say you got revenge on him. One kill away from a domination on a player and they activate your DR? Well now they’re apparently dominating you, and they just earned Ghastly Gibus Grab. And this is leaving aside the problem of lag causing you to be killed after your Dead Ringer has come up because their bullets are compensated and your watch is not.

But obviously I like the Dead Ringer, or I wouldn’t have made a cheap Dr. Strangelove reference in the title. So what’s so good about it that I can get over all those problems? Two things.

The first thing is that the Dead Ringer allows you to play as aggressively as you want. With the invisibility watch, once you stab someone mid-battle you’re most likely dead. The glut of other enemies hanging around will make it hard to escape even if you do cloak up, because splash or stray bullets will reveal you and tear you to bits. With the Cloak and Dagger, playing aggressively is basically the devil, since it’ll take you an age and a half to get over to enemy lines again, and with the normal watch you likely won’t manage to stay invisible long enough to lose the heat even if you do escape the scene (which you probably won’t.)

However, if you’re using the Dead Ringer, you can stab whenever you feel like it. Sniper with Soldiers hanging around? Big deal. Stab the Sniper and make your escape. Heavy tearing up your team, but with an attentive Medic ready to milk you for an uber? No uber for him, you’ll be gone after one hit. The Dead Ringer is untouchable when it comes to escapes. While some of the enemies will suspect you’re faking it, a lot of them are going to fall for the fake death. Fire is extinguished when it activates, damage is toned down so stray bullets are unlikely to kill you, and most importantly, being damaged won’t cause any flicker effect.

And with that point we come to the second thing, and the reason for the first part of the title. The Dead Ringer gives you FULL invisibility. There’s no “translucent outline” like when you try to sneak around with no cloak using the Cloak and Dagger, no team-coloured shadow like when a wild minigun bullet clips you with normal watches, and short of fire and jarate, nothing in the world is going to show anyone where you are outside of them walking straight into you- and as far the game tells them, you’re dead and gone. And even if you are aflame and being chased by an angry Pyro, the damage resistance means you’ve got a very good chance of surviving until your cloak runs out, giving you six and a half seconds to get back to your team, which last time I checked was about 6.45 seconds more than the normal watch will buy you if you’re on fire.

So yes, you might be a little less in control of your invisibility with the Dead Ringer, and you might be tied to metal more, but to me, that’s a fair price to pay to completely disappear when I hit right click.

Yesterday, 8:30 am. We were already done with out group drills and were onto individual exercises. There I was, trying to maintain a decent sentry, under suppressive fire. But that was not the goal of the exercise.

You see, each of us has to be trained to react, to certain situations, in the blink of an eye. All this sustained fire was for distracting me from the focus, the climax of the exercise: the sentry exit.

A time comes in a sentries life when little balls with sticky spiky ends begin accumulating under its steel legs. One sticky, two sticky – you are too late!  A good engineer does not count stickies but abandons ship and jumps away as soon as possible. That was what I was being conditioned with.

Others get their own exercises. For example that ape, Heavy, has to keep moving and dodging without thinking. Oh wait, he does not think usually. So his exercises makes him think AND dodge.

He has to play chess, against a chess robot *ahem* I designed. Out in the open with several snipers trying to put an arrow into his big but mushy head. Oh and he has to carry a drunk Demoman, who has to be taken to the bathroom every so often – or he will relieve himself atop Heavy, who has to beat the chess robot and keep that alcohol drenched (did I mention also flammable?) Scot alive. You will notice the automated chess player is made up of body parts belonging to a former employee of ours. A former employee who was “check mated”.

Then, Pyro, that freak has it easy. She’s told that one of our spawn rooms is infested with butterflies and she has to stay in there until she torches them all. In reality there are no butterflies, her goggles are so dirty that anywhere she looks she sees little random dots around her. She goes on for hours before her gas and her battery dies out. The Administrator thought of this unique exercise to wear her out, or else that hyperactive wacko won’t let anyone sleep during the mandatory afternoon recess (once she mumbled the first two seconds of TF2 theme over and over for two hours!). Of course our beloved and resourceful Administrator would not let go of all that gas and physical enthusiasm.

The “Butterfly Room”, shortly after its inception, became a conditioning training ground for Spy. He has to stay cloaked, and, do I really need to say, unlit, until “all the butterflies are cleared” (in Pyro’s head, they may be, quite literally). Of course that would be too easy. He also has to listen to and memorize the “Shakespeariclesean Play of the Day” on the radio (his watch can pick up AM radio stations, I swear, it’s true!). Then he has to re-enact flawlessly the whole play for us and the Administrator, in the cafeteria before lunch is served. One slip of the tongue, he gets a lashing, and his meal is given to Heavy (who still eats the plates and the silverware out of hunger anyway).

Ah yes, what was I saying? Oh yes, the sentry exit yesterday. I was fixing my sentry. My senses were keen, my eyes sharp. There came the first sticky. My cue to dash out. But I could not get out in time.

See, ever since last Saturday’s Cafeteria update (which is an internal update, you would not  know), the quality of food drastically increased, with fewer poisonings and reduced occurrence of bloody diarrhoea. I have been told that my figure was getting a bit rounder and softer. So there I was, short of breath, trying to get my chubby buttocks over the dispenser. I got fat! Ah, big time fail.

I am a practical man. Not a muscle man. I am not going to the gym (it smells anyway). I shall have my food, AND my exit. I have been thinking since yesterday and I thought I would share my solution with you.

First I wanted to design a spring board that would eject me up, and away. But obviously flying and falling on a full tummy is neither fun nor a pleasant sight. Then I came up with a fun idea; my own little air compressor gun!

It kind of works like Pyro’s airblast, but more precise. Imagine a thin stream of compressed air. No? Then imagine relieving your bowels through a thin, long pipe. Fun, right?

From early field trials, I can happily say that it can push stickies far far away, and reflect rockets and arrows alike. It is a bit too precise to push back people or put out flames, but that was not the point anyway. Oh and I added a kicker – an air horn! When my tank is full of compressed air I can let it out through the horn and WHHAAAA? Everyone around me is startled. Some jump up, turn around in sudden excitement, or twitch and fire their weapons. I have seen heavies revving up their guns nervously, demos blowing up their stickies prematurely, and spies uncloaking accidentally.

I am not sure if the Administrator is going let me keep it. If worst comes to worst I will be assigned “Officer for Bathroom Hygiene” for a month. Not as bad as “Manager of TP Recycling”, the title Scout held for 11 months, for “portraying the Administrator in negative light via spoken language”.

Alas, there is a price to pay for every single thing that is fun.

And such is life.

Seriously, I am truly surprised that this piece of pure win has only got 800 odd views.

In the early 1970’s the Blu team lost their foothold in the area surrounding a town code named “2Fort.” What remained of the Blu team Headquarters was left to rot for what is now 30 years. As the Blu team began to push back the Red team, investigations into the old Blu team’s HQ began. During one expedition, a report addressed to Blu high command was discovered.  The following is an exact duplicate of the document.

The following cannot be accountable for any inaccuracies as it shows signs of being tampered with.

Date: July 17th, 1972
Location: Disclosed
Codename: Digs

Monthly Report

This past month has had our men running rampant with confusion. Of late our intel has continuously pointed towards the suspicion of a government controlled agent. This government controlled agent, or “GCA”, only appears on our radar due to its bizarre behavior. The said GCA uses multiple disguises to blend in with our military personal-not only infiltrating our bases and recovering our intel, but mingling among the men earning trust of every soldier until it has secured a position of trust where no one will suspect said GCA. While every resource we can pull together is spent on locating the GCA, it is hard to find an exact drawing of it. This difficulty is due to its believed ability to “cloak.” This is believed to be the most accurate sketch at this time.

Drawing by Daniel Marcel Gaina (DMGaina)
As of now this is all we can come up with. For the next few days we will put Sgt. Nick on his trail.

Date: July 21st, 1972
Location: Disclosed
Codename: Digs

Report Update 001:

We have made major strides towards finding out the identity of the GCA. During the first section of this report we detailed that Sgt. Nick, one of our top soldiers, is on the case. However he fails where the GCA exceeds, and that’s mingling with the men. One might refer to Sgt. Nick as a lone wolf.  When he was approached by a shady agent of our own, he grew very suspicious. Using the only technique he knew, he killed the agent, much to the dismay of those spectating.

Image acquired by a nearby security camera.

Will update when we get more information on the GCA.

Date: July 23rd, 1972
Location: Disclosed
Codename: Digs

Report Update 002:

After performing an autopsy on the suspected agent it turns out he was not the GCA we are looking for. Sgt. Nick is now on indefinite leave with pay while we sort this out.

Back to the GCA problem, we are growing closer to figuring out what it looks like. Yesterday the guards on post duty noticed a shadow crossing the lawn. This is our current color sketch of the GCA after combining previous sketches and information from the “shadow figure” incident.

Color sketch by LeKnives
Our security cameras have been knocked out so this is the best we could come up with.  It is believed the mask in hand is what the GCA uses to disguise itself as a friendly. The weapon, code named “The Ambassador,” is thought to be the spy’s weapon of choice due to the gunshot wounds found in injured soldiers of late.

A potential breakthrough in the case has just occurred. Will update report tomorrow with any additional information we find.

Date: July 24th, 1972
Location: Disclosed
Codename: Digs

Report Update 003:

The GCA has slipped up and accidentally gotten itself caught on camera. The following picture is photographic evidence of the definite form of the GCA.

This photo was recovered, soon after a kill made by the GCA, by a sentry in standby mode. While we are having trouble pinpointing the GCA’s exact current location, we have reason to believe that it stays out in the open more than in hiding. However, we are having trouble figuring out how our men are not noticing it. Our scientists are attempting to replicate the means by which the GCA is able to “hide in a plain site” but all efforts have failed.

Our research in the GCA’s unique espionage style has led us to believe that it closely mimics an animal to blend in. Most likely it moves slowly and moves in a horizontal fashion. This is very odd timing due to the amount of crabs recently seen near the bomb carts who share a similar movement pattern. We will have to conduct research on these crabs as to they may be linked to the GCA.

Once again, will be updating in the next few days. Hopefully with the GCA captured.

Date: July 26th, 1972
Location: Disclosed
Codename: Digs

Report Update 004:

It is now evident the GCA mimics the movement of a crab. Silent and slow but can go unnoticed without much trouble. During the battle of Pipeline we noticed a shimmering shape near the cart in what looked like a man crouching and walking like a crab. Our security camera, now back online, caught a glimpse of the shimmering figure in the following photograph.

With this photographic evidence, it is now clear that this is not just a government controlled agent it is a government conspiracy against crabs. It’s the perfect plan! Create an agent so skilled it can mimic that of an animal. But why pick crab? Crab night! The most eagerly anticipated annual dinner of the Blu team. Have the team’s favorite meal turn against them and boom it hits their morale like a sack of potatoes in the head. We will investigate further as soon as the situation allows.
Will update soon.

Date: July 31st, 1972
Location: Disclosed
Codename: Digs

Report Update 005:

We still have yet to capture the GCA, which we have renamed to “Spy Crab”. However, all suspicious activities surrounding the “Spy Crab” have ceased. It is almost as though the “Spy Crab” has vanished into thin air. Even without the “Spy Crab” in our custody we have enough information to pin the government for a conspiracy against crabs.  Once again Operation D.I.G.S (Discover Important Government Secrets) has been a partial success.

Reply to Report:

Date: August 3rd, 1972
Location: Behind You
Codename: FYI I’m a spy

I’ve never been a Spy player.

Heck no, that would be underestimating it. I’ve NEVER touched the spy expecting good results. That’s more like the truth.

Much like supremesonic, I suffer from the “I suck at this class syndrome”; and although I’ve played as spy sometimes and I’ve felt the thrill and blood rush of a successful infiltration, the fact that it’s hard to see me helping my team as one(and because it’s harder and harder to find a server in which one competent player and one jackass like me aren’t already spying and hogging 2 spots) generally keeps me away from this class.

In fact, the game seems to notice this, and kept the last of the spy new weapons that I lacked from me until some hours ago. That weapon was The Dead Ringer*.

So… I suppose you’re now expecting some tale about how this marvellous invention saved my dwindling score and helped me become a better spy? No such thing. I still suck. Harder.

No, the thing with its weapon and what I wish to talk about, is not something I experienced as a spy, but something I noticed before but decided to wait until I had the little bugger in my hands to examine it.

I wish to talk, not about what was brought to the table, but rather what was already here.

An Old Friend, Revisited

Ah, the disguise kit. Such a wonderful tool that as time went by, lost its values as we grew wiser to the tricks of that deceitful little bugger, the spy. Natural selection at its best it would seem, as even some random mutations by Mother Valve which gifted better tools to fool its preys, seem to have failed. It’s true, the disguise kit was seemingly doomed to extinction except when dealing with a sentry or in the few seconds after the invisibility faded.

But Valve solved the issue. And they solved it in the best way possible. You see my dear reader, to solve a problem of balance the method usually employed is to empower the weaker side or take power from the stronger side. In theory this creates a sinusoidal zig zag of balance between the two sides which decreases with the number of measures taken normally on some ratio to a logarithmic scale; like a pendulum slowing to an halt. Reality however is not so beautiful or easy to understand and correct.

So what was the correct way instead of giving it a buff? Simple now that we see it in retrospect. Make the players use it.

For you see, the power of the disguise kit, has got nothing to do with its capabilities but with the use the player makes of it. With the normal watch or the Cloak and Dagger, it is a bad choice to use the disguise when you have such a wonderful tool at your disposal as invisibility on demand. However, like a true tool it is not so much as a choice between a manual or a electric screwdriver, but rather knowing which to use at the proper situation.

The Dead Ringer, took this choice from us.

With the Dead Ringer, the table has turned. The necessity of a disguise is now absolute. Want to get behind the enemy? Fine, disguise yourself and flank them or get invisible in the front lines, find a silent corner and uncloak. But you better have your disguise ready. Although using the Dead Ringer for an uncloak and stab is pretty easy in a pub, in a game with more competent players it will be hard for anyone to uncloak in the middle of the battle and manage to survive being shredded apart by bullets, shotgun shells, rockets and fire. The disguise is essential to a Dead Ringer spy, and as such I’ve found myself being fooled time and time again lately by that Pyro which I did not double check, or by that friendly Heavy that rounded the corner(dammit paper Shadow!).

Thus the disguise was given once more the high profile of the battlefield, and now that we see its use, it is once more feared again. For it is the tool of the impersonators, the invisibility of the masters, and the paper thin shield that cuts through all our defenses.

Gentlemen. A toast, to the disguise, now risen from among us.

*On an related note, I still haven’t gotten a jar of piss, despite my enthusiasm for it.

Nobody’s perfect. That’s a fact of life, and there’s no denying it applies to Team Fortress 2 as well. You can airshot thousands of scouts and cap millions of points, but at the end of the day you’ll probably die to the Sniper who just decides to fire a no-scope shot from the other side of the map for giggles. We also all have our weaknesses, and even I can accept that I have my own, despite being the dashing and skillful player that can generally dominate you in the blink of an eye. Uh… yeah.

As you may have guessed by the title of the article, my weakness is the Spy. Even though I do really enjoy playing him, each foray into this class generally ends up with me looking at an end-of-game scoreboard with a ridiculous amount of dominations against me and a pitiful kill-to-death ratio. On top of this, no amount of watching tutorial after tutorial seems to help, and when I’m told it’s something you really learn with experience (Which I accept is true), it does make me wonder why I’m still basically at the skill level I started at after playing the class for almost ten hours. This train of thought, by the way, naturally occurs during those inevitable periods where I am having my face bashed in.

However, I know the two main reasons why I’m so bad with the Spy. Allow me to share them with you…

Reason number one: Bad luck

Yes, I know bad luck is part of playing the Spy. It’s just a sad fact of gaming life that occassionally a Pyro will randomly spray flames in your direction, or a sudden inexplicable change of the direction by the enemy will make you flicker so much it’d be simpler if they just draped you in fairy lights. But to me, it seems like bad luck just follows me around like an extremely stubborn Pyro. To demonstrate, here’s a list of a few “DAMN IT” moments from the past few days that I can actually remember…

• Getting backstabbed one second after uncloaking due to a sudden enemy spy appearance, then respawning and having the exact same thing happen again.
• Getting hit by an errant Ubersaw blow from a Medic-on-Medic battle whilst cloaked, after spend 20 frantic seconds moving around only to watch the battle magically continue to move towards me.
• Being hit by a flare that would of hit the Heavy in front of me, if he hadn’t been shot in the head half a second previously.
• Getting hit by jarate, escaping about 6 people firing at me whilst getting set on fire, watching the afterburn finish when I only have 2 health left, and then getting shot by a Spy immediately after entering my spawn and marvelling about how lucky I was.

I know, cry “That’s happened to me” or “This happens because you suck” all you want, because I can tell you want to. However, couple these scenarios with the other ways of dying to an series of unfortunate events, and then note this is only from a few days of play and not from extended periods of time, and perhaps you can sympathise why I have letter-shaped imprints on my forehead due to consistently banging it on the keyboard. To me, playing the Spy releases a constant barrage of disaster I have very little control over, that occur again and again until I finally break and either switch class or (More likely) ragequit.

Still, I can’t make any excuses for the second reason I suck at the Spy…

Reason number two: Human stupidity

I suck because I make the worst. Decisions. EVER. It’s true! I admit it! For each time I successfully sneak into the enemy lines, I’ll probably end up deciding that the best thing to do is to try and stab the Pyro spraying fire everywhere, instead of the sniper standing stock still whilst picking off key targets on our team. It’s not just stretigcal choices I’ll stuff up, either – I’ll stab an engineer behind a sentry gun, only to realise I’ll bring up the ambassador when I press “q” and desperately use my butterfingers to scroll to the sapper in time and salvage the situation. And here’s a fact; I’ll never make it on time. I’ll be in bits on the floor instead. Even the humble backstab can be screwed up, perhaps by clicking too soon and then rushing past the still-alive foe with no disguise on as a result. If you’ve ever wanted to know what a train wreck looks like in slow motion, just join a server I’m playing Spy on and spectate me. It’s a pretty accurate similarity, and you’ll probably get a laugh out of it too.

Oh, and one more thing; In a one-on-one scenario in an arena match, you being a Spy and the other guy being a Medic, what would you do? Stay in cloak as long as possible and try to grab an oppurtunity when it arises, it stand in full sight on the control point whilst browsing though your disguise kit for the Medic disguise? The answer, of course, is obvious. I, of course, chose to do the other option.

Still, least I get one reprieve from my idiocy…

My best friend: The Cloak and Dagger

If you want to talk about unlocks that drastically change the way a class is played, you’d be a fool not to mention the new Spy watches. Each one opens up brand new strategies and tactics when it comes to overcoming your foe, and the chances are that with a little experimentation you’ll find a Spy watch that perfectly suits the style of Spy you want to play. For me, it’s the Claok and Dagger, allowing me to plan my moves and try to negate all possible fallacies and stupidity before making my strike. The fact you can simply stand in the middle of the open whilst carnage rages around you, whilst the enemy team stays none the wiser, is also something that I extract a great amount of joy from.

It’s also the Spy watch that has led to my fondest memories of playing the class, which include waiting for almost a minute until a chain of 5 easy backstabs presented itself. I’ve also found it’s better for me than the Dead Ringer when it comes to covering up my mistakes – I’ve seen Ubercharged regulars think they have an easy kill, only for me to cloak up and then watch them fruitlessly attack corners and hidey-holes in an attempt to flush me out. All I have to do is wait, smiling slightly at the panic and desperation they must be feeling, and then finally attacking when they think I’ve gone and they wander off somewhere. It’s via this strategy that makes it so it seems that other people are ragequitting instead, and that’s a good thing.

Still, it’s not perfect. If anything, I tend to be too cautious, as there’s been occassions where I’ve just spent half a match doing nothing, refusing to attack anyone due to the fact thet looked in my general direction for half a second. Also, as you well know, you can try all you want and plot out the grandest of plans, but the events that actually occur will probably far deviate from what you were expecting. Again, bad luck will rear its ugly head, no matter what you are wearing on your wrist.

Aw well, can’t win them all. Maybe I’ll go the Scout instead, because after all, there’s no way you can stuff THAT up… Right?

Tick, Tock,
Tick, Tock,
Tick, Tock…

Sometimes, when the time is ticking away, you get ideas. Sometimes, the idea is simple. Sometimes, it’s not…

Tick, Tock,
Tick, Tock…

Most of the time, however, time beats you. Most of the time…

Tick, Tock…

But sometimes…

Tick…

Just sometimes…

Tock…

Something awesome happens…

VICTORY! *Insert Fanfare here*

***

Yes, Spy/Ninja Caps. A technique? An art? An annoyance? Maybe a bit of all three. But deep in the fortress’ walls, in a book containing all lost skills, such as “Offensive Engineering” (Which has been restored as of late), and “Capping the Intel on 2Fort”, there is a section on Spy/Ninja Capping.

Now, there are three different techniques to Spy/Ninja capping. They all have their advantages and disadvantages. They are called “Prepared Capture” (The most popular one), “Over Offensive” and “Incomplete Cover“…

NOTE: This guide was designed for A/D maps only. Spy/Ninja Caps are more essential on those levels, as they can help in a stalemate posistion. In a Linier CP map, they are an annoyance to some players, especially the Prepared Capture. Of course, if a team has gone Over Offensive, or has a Incomplete Cover, they deserved to lose the final point, especially to an Engineer…

Prepared Capture

A Prepared Capture is when you wait for the capture point to be unlocked, and then, when it does, quickly capture the point. You can not do this on Payload, however.

+ Gives the enemy little time to react after the loss of the previous point.
+ Usually no enemy/Sentries around.
+ The easiest/most likely Spy/Ninja Cap to pull.

- As you wait, your team is down one man, which could be a major disadvantage.
- Boring while you wait.
- Sometimes, the enemy can see you on the cameras while they are dead (You know, when you are waiting to respawn, you can look through cameras overlooking capture points), and will hunt you down.

Dustbowl Example: Stage One, Capture Point 2

Although it can be done on any stage, a Prepared Capture can be done easily on Stage One, because it is possible that the attackers find little difficulty in capturing the first point. Hide near the point, so that people coming out of the spawn don’t see you. Once the first point is under your team’s control, get onto the second point and watch the swift capture commence.

Personally, I dislike this method. Every time I do it (Excluding the method explained near the end of the article, but even that sometimes fails), my team is unable to capture the first point. Especially on Stage Three of Dustbowl. Ever waited 20 minutes, hoping your team would actually capture the point? Zorgulon was not impressed when he saw me on the spectator cameras…

Over Offensive

This is when the enemy (The defenders) goes “Over Offensive”, which means that they push from the point to a part in the level. This means that you can easily cap the point while they are away.

+ The enemy is usually too busy fighting to protect the point.
+ Can work on most, if not all, levels (Even Payload).
+ The more your team is failing, the easier it is to do.

- Quite hard to sneak past the enemy.
- Respawned enemies will alert their team, and try their best to stop you while you were expecting an easy capture.
- If you fail, the enemy (usually) falls back and protects the point, preventing further Spy/Ninja Caps.

Dustbowl Example: Stage Three, Capture Point 2

The main battlefront of the area between the first and second point is the little alleyway in-between the points. Whoever owns that section has the attacking advantage. Of course, if the defenders have it, you can easily capture the point from right under their noses. If you can’t get behind them because they have a lot of people at the alley, go down the stairs, which should be an easy, enemy free path to the capture point.

Actually, I recently did this as a Pyro in a three vs four game on Dustbowl. Considering both my team mates were Spies, and were both dead while I was doing this (One died by taunt kill while I was doing this), I think I won this match by myself. I killed a KGB-weilding Heavy with two Flares (Loving the new Mini-Crit Flares BTW) and good old Axi’, and then took the stair route behind the capping Sniper, saw the Heavy crossing the bridge, and when the coast was clear, made my move. When I won, everyone but one person (Who was on my team) left. Ragequit much?

Incomplete Cover

When a Sentry guards the point, but doesn’t cover every corner of the point. Or, in Payload maps, the Sentry can not fire at you because the cart is defending you.

+ Can save your team if the Sentry has stopped all other attempts.
+ Always funny to hear people go “What just happened?”
+ Easy to do on Payload maps.

- Sometimes, an enemy will stop you.
- That Sentry will still be there after you cap the point.
- Harder to do when the enemy has multiple Sentries.

Dustbowl Example: Stage One, Capture Point 1

So the above may have confused you a bit, so listen to this example. So, one of the most popular Sentry locations for this Capture Point is on the stairs, yes? Well, most of the time, that Sentry doesn’t protect the entire point. If you enter from the entrance at the back, staying close to the left wall, and crouch onto the point, the Sentry usually isn’t able to see you there and you can cap the point with ease.

Last time I did this was as a Soldier, with French UC member Laharl (Self Proclaimed DJ of UC) as my Medic. Capped the point, and took down the Sentry with Splash Damage. He seemed to have been impressed with my fête. If you feel like being a team player, inform your team (Especially your Medic) what you are doing. I’ve had a Medic run onto the point while I was doing this…

Right into a Sentry…

***

Now when I say “Spy/Ninja Capping”, I don’t mean that this skill is limited to Spies. Any class can do this, be it Pyro or Sniper (As I have mentioned above). However, there are three classes I suggest to do this. So, without any delay, the classes used for Ninja Capping!

The Spy

The Spy is the most obvious choice for Spy Cappping. After all, it is named after him. When Spy Capping, the Spy can easily do all Spy Capping techniques. He can easily cloak and get behind the enemy to prepare to cap without noticing, in which he can prepare to cap when the point unlocks or capture the point if the defenders are on the offensive. The important thing to note is that, if an Engie builds a Sentry in case his team fails, the Spy can easily destroy it, while the below two classes will have difficultly. Oh, and the new Cloak and Dagger helps as well.

However, the Spy has his weak points. Once spotted, the average player will stand his ground and Spy Check the entire area. This is a problem if this area is near, or even on, the Capture Point. The other thing is that the average Spy can not get into a fight and win. Of course, I do not doubt your skill, but you may need to practice with your revolver/facestabs just in case. Or just pop the Dead Ringer up. Either works, really…

General Example: Pipeline (Stages One or Two, Final Push)

Since the Spy is so versatile at Spy Capping, it’s hard to give him a good example. So, I might as well give one for Pipeline, one of the newest maps. During the final push (The uphill ramps at the end of Stages One and Two), the enemy may choose to focus on defending the point, or pushing their cart. When the former is too weak, or distracted, then is your time to strike!

If there is no Sentries guarding the point, then uncloak or take off your disguise at the head of the payload. Since you don’t have to stay alive for long, all you have to worry about is the enemy running to stop the cart, rather then attacking from a distance. If you can push the cart up the hill, so it no longer falls backwards, then the chances of your team failing reduces so much (Unless the enemy has done the same to you)…

The Scout

The Scout, the fastest of the classes, can easily rush past the enemy and perfect for when the enemy is Over Offensive or have an Incomplete Cover, and can also be useful for a Prepared Capture. The Scout’s BONK! Energy Drink can allow you to safely rush past the enemy safely, at the cost of them catching up. Sometimes, you can use it to distract the enemy from the current objective, making them decide if they should go after you, or stay at the point, splitting up the defence.

However, like the Spy, the Scout has his weaknesses. After the effects of BONK!, the Scout is slow and still pistol-less. You’re only ranged weapon to stop the enemy from advancing is the Sandman, which you will most likely miss when you swing your ball. Oh, and if there is a Sentry ahead, you can kiss your Ninja Cap goodbye…

General Example: Gold Rush (Stage One, Capture Point 1)

The first Capture Point of Gold Rush is a perfect example to use Incomplete Cover to your advantage. The reason this is good for the Scout is he can push the cart twice as fast as the Spy. As the cart reaches the building (Home of one of the most obvious Sentry locations in TF2, along with behind the corner of Dustbowl 2-2 and the final point of Steel), hide to the side of the cart, so you can’t see the Sentry, and it can’t see you.

It’s a bit hard to pull off, due to the fact that enemies go through the tunnel and see you pushing the cart, but try it anyway. When the cart turns the corner, try to move so the cart still protects you. With a little bit of practice, you can easily cap the point without the Sentry even firing a shot…

The Engineer

Some of you fail to realize the effectiveness of an Engie Ninja Cap, and I respect that. After all, what does an Engie do? He builds a Sentry to defend the point right? Well, maybe he can use that Sentry to defend himself. You know, as he caps. You see what I did there?

Basically, our hardhatted friend can easily control a point before it opens, a “Prepared Capture”. The best part is, once he has a Level 3 Sentry controlling the Capture Point, it’s tough to get down. Most of the time, the enemy doesn’t even know it is there before it is too late (a.k.a. you are capping the point).

Mind you, the Engineer has very little tricks in getting behind the enemy. This is the reason Engies are hardly used for Ninja Caps, because it is so hard to get to the point and set a Sentry strong enough to stop enemies before the point is unlocked. Oh, and on some maps, placing a Sentry covering the point is countered as Spawn Camping…

General Example: Steel, Capture Point C

Well, you could try Gravelpit’s last point for the Engie, but usually the enemy finds you, due to the cameras and the beeps from a Sentry. You also need to set up a Dispenser, since there is no metal nearby. However, the third Capture Point on Steel is both ignored until it is unlocked AND near a large ammo crate. Get there by going through the last point (Either through B if A hasn’t been capped, or through A if it has). Simply put a Sentry in a position that covers the two ways the enemies go to defend the point, and put a Dispenser down so you can use it to heal yourself.

Many times have I caught the Capture Point this way. Sometimes, I do die, but at least the gates from B to C (Which take an awfully long time to open) open enough to let my team finish the job. However, if there is a Sentry at E, you may need to take a detour through D (And jump down onto the ledge or pipe connecting to the ledge). But usually, it isn’t a big deal…

***

Well, that’s the basics of Spy Capping for you. The art of being a Ninja is now yours. Now go, practice these techniques, and call yourself a true Ninja of Capping…

Now if I go onto Server 2 while it is on Steel and see a BLU Sentry Farm on C before A is capped, I won’t be happy. I’ve seen it happen before. Luckily, we managed to cap A and B when it did happen…

tl;dr version:

Don’t bother. If you don’t have the patience to read the article, you don’t have the patience to do a Prepared Capture. Don’t know what a Prepared Capture is? Exactly my point… :3

When I first saw the Jarate, I wondered how on earth the Sniper would use it. Would he open up the jar then fling his home made juice, with the jar in tact? Or would he, as it turned out to be, just throw the whole jar?

Now, we all know realism has very little say in the world of TF2. But what if it did? I’ve pondered at this and made a comic for your amusement:

(Click for great success)

For a better quality version, see it on my Deviant.

Constructive feedback is very much welcome.