Some of the tools of war from those times long since passed survive in the current incarnation of this never ending war. And using these tools, we here at ubercharged.net labs have recreated the war as it was hundreds of years ago. We have recreated…

MEDIEVAL FORTRESS 2

Medieval Fortress 2 is an update of a classic mod found on ubercharged.net Server 1. This update is a complete rework of the plugin, and includes TARGELANDER DEMOS and EQUALIZER SOLDIERS.

“But DPErny, what IS Medieval Fortress 2? I’ve never heard of it.”

Medieval Fortress 2 is what it says on the cover: it’s a Sourcemod plugin that creates a Medieval theme in Team Fortress 2.

THE STORY
Europe was a bloody, gory place since the fall of the Roman empire. For centuries, feudal states grabbed for whatever partition of the former empire that they could. Rulers, sometimes fair, sometimes tyrants, came and went. Then, word of a new king spread. A powerful, wise ruler known as King Manne was fighting to unite the world under his rule. He succeeded in uniting most of Europe, and then ceased his conquest to manage the empire he had accrued. During this rule, there was a time of great peace and many hats.

But then, King Manne fell ill. He no longer had the strength to run his kingdom. He left the day to day running of the Kingdom to his most trusted aide, Saxtonnious Hale. But Saxtonnious could not run it either, not without the guidance and wisdom of King Manne. The land began to fall apart.

Now, King Manne had two handsome, dashing sons. Blutonious and Lord Redwall, as they were called, were fiercely competitive. Each was always trying to outdo the other. When their father fell ill, Blutonious and Redwall each felt that they were entitled to the throne. One can only imagine their anger when Saxtonious was put into power. But Blutonious and Lord Redwall were not stupid. They watched as their father’s kingdom fell to ruin. Blutonious fled to the lands in the east, and Redwall went west. Each began amassing an army of supporters from their father’s former force.

Then, one day, the conflict finally erupted. Blutonious and Redwall each declared their land a sovereign state, named Blubaria and Redland respectively. Great battles were fought in the name of these two powers, and the very planet shook under the conflict.

THE CLASSES

The Archer

Ye Olde Kindom of Manne spared no expense when selecting its Archers. The most talented marksmen in the land were much prized during the great fissure; Redwall and Blutnoius each scrambled to win the favor of the kingdom’s Archers, knowing how important they’d be in the later battles. The Archers were often taught the then fledgling art of Jarate, a method of defence conceived by those strange peoples of the Far East. While most fierce with a bow in hand, Archers are a formidable warrior with a blade as well.

The Knight

No medieval war would be complete without knights, but these were far from chivalrous. These fierce warriors from the land of the Scotts were a force to be reckoned with. Hardened in battle and wielding cursed swords of unimaginable power, the Knights make up the backbone of any assault. They had been known to charge at their foes with reckless abandon, shouting a bloodcurdling battle cry. These fearsome Scottsmen are widely known for their lethal decapitations.

The Berserker

Tales were told of fearsome warriors from the Scandinavian regions that were but ordinary miners in times of peace. When times of war dawn, however, they were far from peaceful. These men revel in pain, and fight to the death without retreat. Travelers from the northern regions say that these Berserkers fight more fiercely as they sustain wounds, and that the most heavily wounded often take down foes with one swing of their mighty pickaxe. Berserkers occasionally carry in to battle a horn of war, which they blow to rally their fellows into the same frenzy.

The Bear

These strange men from cold regions to the east were as strong as they were stupid. Discovered by the Mannish traders, these hulking brutes knew no weapons. They fought with their bare hands alone, crushing their foes with but a swing of a mighty fist. The harsh landscape of Siberia trained them to withstand punishment far beyond that of a normal warrior. They also brought with them from their native lands a culinary dish with amazing medicinal properties. This meal of bread, meat, and vegtables serves to heal the brutes should they sustain damage. They have also been known to lend it to ailing comrades in times of great need.

The field of battle

Currently, the known battles of Medieval Fortress were fought at the castle Redfort. This tall structure, on the border between Redland and Blubaria, was held fiercely by the Redlandians. The Blubarians, attacking from a cave just outside of the castle, stormmed the gates and fought their way through the castle.

The Real Story

Medieval Fortress came about of the first time during the summer of 2009. After a rousing game of shenanigans, I decided that it was time to learn Sourcemod, and bringing Medieval Fortress to the non-administrated masses would be an excellent project. I began working on Medieval Fortress immediately.

I started my adventures in Sourcemod by reading the AlliedModder’s Wiki, and by reading Sirot’s Zombie Fortress plugin. These two sources helped me tremendously, and before long I was making headway on Medieval Fortress. Despite numerous bugs, glitches, and setbacks, I managed to choke out a working version of the plugin I intended. The final product was terribly unorganised, completely unoptimized, and it barely passed AlliedModders aproval, but it worked. About a month after the original Medieval Fortress had been put on, the new plugin was on Server 1.

Medieval Fortress was an instant success. It was played often, and for a while it was hard to get into a game that was hosting Medieval Fortress. Most of the server population loved it. Soon, however, after the fun had worn off, Medieval Fortress was taken off rotation and forgotten.

Fast forward to December of 2009, and the Demo vs Soldier update. As soon as the public caught glimpse of the Eyelander, the forums were alight with people asking for Medieval Fortress to get an update. People who had never heard of my plugin were demanding it. Several threads cropped up on the Steam Forums asking for someone to make a medieval game mode. Interest in the subject soared. I stepped back and analyzed the situation; people demanded it, I would provide. Before the update had even been released, I began work on Medieval Fortress 2.

This time around, I was more experienced in Sourcemod, and I could recognise the disaster that was my first plugin. Considering this, I decided that Medieval Fortress 2 would be a complete recode. I rebuilt my entire plugin from the ground up, starting with nothing but a blank notepad screen. When a problem arose, I asked for help. Before the end of December, Medieval Fortress 2 was ready for release. It was put up on Server 1, and playtesting helped me to iron out the one major bug in the programming.

And, now, two months after the completion of Medieval Fortress, I am ready to release it to the public at large. The source code, the program, everything that a server operator needs to host Medieval Fortress is available right now. What’s more, so long as even 1 server operator hosts Medieval Fortress, I will continue to keep it up-to-date and ready for more challenges. As time goes by, I will release more features, and the bare-bones plugin you see today will be a far more in depth game mode.

The Technical Details

Today’s Medieval Fortress allows for four classes, as previously stated. The Knight is a Demoman. He is allowed only the Eyelander, the Bottle, and the Targe. The Archer is Medieval Fortress’ default class. Anyone trying to switch to an unallowed class will be redirected to this tweak on the Sniper. He is allowed only the Huntsman, Jarate, the Razorback (which, although useless now, I plan on adding features for later), and his Kukri. The Berserker is simply a the Soldier with all non-melee weapons stripped, excluding the Buff Banner. The Bear is the same with a Heavy; all non-melee weapons are stripped excepting the Sandvich.

To set up map to automatically play Medieval Fortress, simply erase the map’s existing prefix and affix “mf_” to the beginning. For example, on UC server 1, we use Redfort under the name “mf_redfort_b3″. Alternatively, Medieval Fortress can be enabled on any map by typing “sm_mf_enable” into the console (changemap admin flags required). While Medieval Fortress will automatically disable itself at the end of a map, it can be turned off manually by typing “sm_mf_disable” into the console (also requires changemap).

Download

Source code: Medieval Fortress 2

Plugin: MF2

Credits

I have to give credit to tons of people for this, because it really isn’t original. First off, credit goes to Phoenix, the ubercharged.net editor, for the original Medieval Fortress. He got the ball rolling. Next, credit to mrmof for making the map we play on. More credit goes to everyone on the ubercharged.net forum for making this work.

Now perhaps you can get away with this shameful display on other counties of the Internet, but this is Ubercharged; my companion and I agreed we must do something about it.

And so Sir Tygrys, being a master of the arts, began work producing a collection of Team Fortress 2 inspired portraits tailored for Gentle Menne with an eye for the latest in style. Before presentation I must insist that neither of us will be held responsible if, upon glancing these works of art, your monocle falls into your tea.

But without further ado allow me to present to you our works, complete with the accompanying press release from the newly formed T&T Industries:

T&T Industries is happy to announce the release of our very own avatar pack, more precisely the ‘T&T Industries Classy Classes Avatar Pack’.

This pack was specially designed for all of you who understand the need to be classy in all your digital ventures. This splendid pack comes in two styles: BLU and RED, to suit individual customer preferences. You will find that they have been readily scaled down to 184×184 pixels, so they are immediately ready to use on Steam the very moment you download them to your drive.

All of these spiffing avatars were made by two masters of fine art – Sir Tygrys Murdock and Sir Tesla Sherbonk, with extra thanks to Sir Dont for improving the quality of the original images. Should you encounter either of them during your exploits in digital space, be sure to bid them thanks; they’ll be ecstatic to hear their work is appreciated.

Now go ahead and enjoy this fine art as we have prepared for you.

Remember our motto – quality is of the utmost importance and we strive to satisfy all of our customers.

Signed: T&T Industries Chairman of marketing

Willbur McTrackingster

You can download the newly improved v2 pack HERE, thanks to our friend Dont. You may also wish peruse the full sized imagery whilst you await the cheeseboard. Lastly, to those of you whom have no interest in showing some class, may I perchance interest you in a job sweeping out my chimney?

Wasn’t expecting me, was youse?

Anyway, take this situation; it’s a lazy Saturday afternoon. All your homework (assuming you get homework) and chores are done, and you don’t enjoy just lazing around. So you fire up TF2, but there’s no one to play “competitively” with; only pubs around. Sure, they’re fun, but you don’t feel like it, plus you’d like to try and get a little better, which ain’t gonna happen there. What’s one to do?

Here’s a couple suggestions for Soldiers. And maybe Demomen.

BBall

Maybe you’ve heard of it, maybe not. Just to be on the safe side, I’ll explain in detail.

ctf_bball is a deathmatch sort of game, meant to be played 2 on 2, but also works with 1 on 1 (gets boring more easily) or 3 on 3 (more spammy). You’re in a basketball court with only moderate-height walls to jump off, and the objective is to land the flag in the enemy net. You run Soldier or Demoman, with a max of one Demoman. Simple no?

But what’s stopping people from playing something other than those two classes? Nothing, but people, which is alright, since most people who look for bball servers are in a similar mindset. It’s that simple really.

Training includes playing with other good sollys and demomen, and it helps airshots (the enemy needs jumping to score). You could also play scout, though only FaN scouts can reach the net, and it’s pretty iffy. It also helps walljumping (based off long jumps rather than height jumps) and airstrafing (scoring).

There’s a few dedicated bball servers that aren’t locked, plus some regular servers have it on the map list; type “ctf_bball” into the map choice for a collection. UC servers #2 and #3 also have it, although you’ll need an admin to start it. Typical etiquette includes no using sticky bombs to attack, and to a lesser extent, the shotgun is discouraged.

On the subject, there are two different maps that follow the style. One is ctf_pro_bball.

It improves over the original in a few, most notably a shoot-through backboard which prevents people from cheaply knocking you off scoring by shooting it. There’s also ctf_ballin, which is about the same as pro_bball, but a little prettier, and doesn’t limit you to 3 captures. Both look much better than plain ctf_bball though. Give ‘em a run.

Ammomod

This is my personal favorite.

Basically, you fight in an arena against one other person, as either Soldier or Demoman. The map can be a plain room, or based on a notable portion of a stock map, like Gravel Pit’s tower, Badlands Spire, Granary’s mid point, etc..
Both are given 1600 health and unlimited ammo. First one to go down loses.

It’s really simple, but the added health and ammo gives you plenty of room to practice without having to respawn after a few shots. There’s a few servers dedicated to it around; for example, in the US:
- Clan Vortex – 67.212.189.186:27093
- Exodus Society – 216.52.148.129:27015

I mostly go to thenoid’s ammomod, which is at 67.202.71.165:27015. You’ll probably run into some really good players if you do run by, so the best advice I can give is don’t go in expecting to do well.

And if you ever run into Solid Snake, do yourself a favor and have a key bound to “explode.”

Spireking

Spireking is like ghetto ammomod for soldiers – like ammomod, it’s 1v1. There’s a badlands spire in the center of the map, and both players battle for control of the top, where there’s a control point. Unlike ammomod, though, you start with 200 health, but you’re continually resupplied with full ammo and health every 4 seconds. That means that to score a kill, you need to deal out 200 damage in 4 seconds. What better way to do that than by nailing some awesome airshots?

Since spireking doesn’t work well for matches bigger than 1v1, you’re unlikely to find any public servers for it. However, since it’s a standalone map, you don’t need a bunch of mods to run it on your server, as you do with ammomod. This makes it great for clan training. If you have a server, or have access to a private server, give this map a go.

Tr_Walkway

Get it. Now.

Ha, but no seriously. Originally an ESG-only beta by wiseguy and washipato (trust me, it wasn’t that great when it was in beta), it’s now available to the general public, and there probably isn’t any better aerial training bar playing against other people. The launcher is a great asset, and a couple hours on this thing I assure you will greatly improve your prediction skills .Unless they’re already maxed, in which you’ve still got a bunch of commands to mess with to make it harder.

And if you’re like me, when your ping rockets because somebody in the dorm is torrenting… stuff… you can always fire up a listen server.

There’s also modifications for stairstab and eagle stab training in there, but honestly, who falls for stairstabs anymore, and who plays Spy anyway?

And while you’re at it, try a couple headshots.

___________________________________________________________________________

That concludes this article for today. Seriously, get a server, or become friends with someone who does, so you can reap the benefits of Spireking and BBall. Until next time, good night and good luck.

Give a big hand to Secret Agent Clank, on his first contribution to the Competitive TF2 Guide. Future installments of the guide are going to be generally shorter and more specific than the first nine. Thanks for the support, readers. -himmelstoss

Yes, bask in all of its glory. Show off to all your friends. Make all the deathcams with you in so much better. There is nothing this Medal can’t do. This Medal is better than Chuck Norris! Anyone who wears it becomes a God! Why settle for just walking on water when, with this Medal, you can call the water to you and get it to take you to your destination without you even having to lift a finger!

Why, with this Medal, you could finish I Wanna Be The Guy without dying! This Medal has the power to align the planets together, causing whatever disastrous ancient evil of your choice to be awoken. Heck, this Medal allows you to bend bullets to your will! If I was you, I would go get one of these Medals right away if you don’t have one! They are better than anything your girlfriend (Or boyfriend) can do!

Oh, wait…

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, VALVe decided to give the first eleven thousand, one hundred and eleven people who played the Classless Update a Medal unlock for the Soldier. I presume you have seen the new “misc” category in the loadout menu. That is where the Medal goes. There is also this page, if you want some proof of its existence…

So, as you can expect, some people have been rather angry that they could not get a Medal. After all, VALVe only gave out so many (Some of which were deleted by their owners, so people could get their daily facepalm), and the update was released late in the evening in America, which meant the update was released at about 3am in Europe. That means that most Europeans were asleep at the time, so some of those haven’t been very happy to hear that these Medals were given out while they were resting.

I didn’t get a Medal. I was at a camp site at the time, thus I didn’t even know the Medals existed. I wish I did get one, but, to be honest, I would be happy with any non-weapon unlock. I’m one of those unlucky players who has played for a long time since the update, and is yet to earn my very own hat, while people around me have one or two (Or even three) hats, some without having to resort to idling.

So, what should I do? Do I rage to everyone I know, saying how unfair the situation is? Should I stop playing Team Fortress 2, since it clearly hates me? Well the answer is more simple than telling the difference between meerkats and cheap car insurance…

I play some more Team Fortress 2!

(Or spend several hours writing articles about why I should play TF2)

Yes, really.

Why would I stop playing a game I enjoy because I can’t get a rare item? That’s kinda like not going to a theme park because you’re not tall enough the ride a couple of rides; they are always the other rides. Sure, you might have rode them before, but that’s the brilliant part of TF2. There are nine classes, nine different ways of playing. And that’s not including the unlockables…

Some people forget what the hats were added for. They are not some kind of device to enhance your gaming skills, nor are they some kind of advantage in the mist of battle. They are just eye-candy, a way to give the characters more personality, or add more humour to the game.

As for the Medals, yes, you may have missed them, but what says they aren’t coming back, maybe as a random drop? These Medals will most likely come back, since VALVe cares for their customers (And has the ability and time to update their games). I mean, look at the new Sandman. I’ve always liked the Sandman, but not everyone did, so VALVe has done its best to balance it to allow any player, casual or competitive, hat collector or hatless, to accept and enjoy it.

So, before you have a giant rant about the game hating you, think. Ask yourselves if this is an issue that VALVe will pick up on and improve or not. After all, no feature in the game is safe from being changed for balance and/or enjoyment. Just chill, and enjoy the game you have…

HOWEVER!

There is nothing wrong with having a small moan. After all, we are human. We don’t accept everything as it is and say “Oh well,” and carry on. That’s how dictatorships are made. No, people should be allowed to say “Well, actually, I wished that would happen.” It’s only fair, right?

Well, there is a difference between a comment and a full-out rant, and it’s important that people can understand the difference. Some people instantly dismiss any comment about someone not having only of the Medals or Hats as a rant about it. Be honest, have you ever seen someone talk about something that is controversial in the game, and instantly dismiss it that it is the same as every other rant you have read?

No? Let’s just pretend you do…

The thing is, the Medal was an unexpected move, and excludes people from getting one at this current moment. Despite how rare hats are, it is possible that anyone can get one. Chance is a silly thing, because if you say “That’s extremely unlikely”, people can say “Well, what were the chances of you being born?” Statistically speaking, considering the chances of your parents meeting, and their parents meeting, and so fourth, the chances of you being born are extremely less then the chances of getting a hat…

Anyway, the chances of someone getting a hat are low, yet still possible. So, what’s the problem with making the Medals randomly drop like the hats? Some argue that, if VALVe does that, then the Medals lose their value. Well, if you are one of those people, here is a challenge for you. Choose one of the new hats, spend a entire day playing TF2, and count how many people you see with that hat. Come back and tell me how many you see.

The thing is, people are angry for different reasons, and people dislike those people for different reasons. I don’t really understand it entirely either. I’ve given my thoughts about it, but even then, people can argue about them. I don’t like arguments, to be honest. I took a look at the Steam Forums for Medal-related topics. Most of the posts there were pretty much at either end of the argument spectrum. Those who didn’t get one either wish VALVe should make more opportunities to get one, or that VALVe is flawed, greedy and/or stupid. On the other hand, people have attacked those people with sarcastic comments about VALVe’s “stupidity”.

To be honest, I’m not sure what side to support. I disagree with only a limited number of people getting the Medals, but I disagree with the attitude some people have taken towards VALVe and people with Medals. I suggested on the UC forums that players should be able to get one hat of their choice for free, and then unlock the rest normally. Of course, in retrospect, that would make the sight of someone without a hat rarer, since people will most likely pick a hat for their favourite class, and then play as said class. It’s hard to please everyone…

So, where do you stand? Was the way Medals were handed out good, bad, or alright and with room for improvement? May I ask that, when commenting, please don’t cause or contribute to a flame war? I don’t really want to see a repeat of what happened with articles containing the Sandman. KTHXBAI!

Oh, and one last thing…

The person who thought a hatless, bald Engineer was a good idea was clearly wrong. And, thanks to Murphy’s Law, that will be my first hat (or hat removal)…

Recently, essentially beginning with my foray into competitive TF2, I picked up the Soldier. At a glance, the soldier is a simple class. You shoot the rockets to make people-fetti, and use the shotty to finish people off. But it is within the simplicity of the Soldier’s arsenal that the true depth of the class lies. The rocket launcher is an extremely versatile weapon: It not only handily blows enemies into convenient chunks, but it can be used to bounce them, clear points, separate ubers, and launch people into the air, where, as luck would have it, you can hit them with more rockets. The shotgun does its job- absurdly powerful at close range, it’s excellent for finishing off weakened enemies and protecting the soldier when his rocket launcher is out of ammo. Lastly, there’s the shovel, which sees use only as a last resort. On a side note, it is preferrable to simply switch to the shotgun or shovel as opposed to reloading, especially while ubered, because reloading wastes several precious seconds out of 10 seconds of charge. Most new soldiers, and by new I mean public server players (no offense, you amateurs you) charge into combat, firing all their rockets as fast as possible and hopefully getting a kill. This is not the type of soldier I play, and will not be discussed in any manner of detail here. What I am going to discuss however, is what I do play, the competitive soldier.

Before I start, I want to mention that this is in no way a definitive post on what should be done with TF2 and the mechanics of said game. These are my opinions, and mine alone, and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Feel free to comment, though.

Anyway, I was on LoR the other day and was wondering to myself “If I were an employee at Valve and I were one of the guys changing the weapons to improve the game (FaN buff anyone?), what would I do?” So I went through the equipment, one by one, and here is a list. If it’s not mentioned, I don’t think it needs changing, but feel free to give your opinions anyway.

Yes, it’s another one of those articles.

Each change will be rated out of five, with 1 being “completely unnecessary change,” 3 being “could work,” and 5 being “great idea, methinks.”

Scout

So I’m going to leave the Scattergun and the FaN alone, firstly because the Scattergun is fine, and secondly because you need perfect aim (not hard at point blank, though) to get that 2 shot kill-anything-but-the-Heavy strikes, which balances it somewhat I suppose. That was a pretty uninspired buff, really.

Pistol
Just about perfect, although a lot of times I find myself wishing I had more ammo, especially when playing soccer. Perhaps Valve could increase the ammo count by one or two clips, although I’m not sure what this would do to balance, particularly in scrims.
Rating: 2 out of 5

BONK! Atomic Punch
Now this thing right here is somewhat of a problem. It’s mostly a gimmicky escape tool, and no really good Scout would surrender his (or her) pistol for a slim chance at escaping (the enemy can easily chase you down). It is DEFINITELY not doing much to fulfil its original goal: to allow Scouts to bypass their #1 nemesis, the sentry. Only a handful of situations sees actual use (distracting a sentry, mostly).

Solution 1: Reduce the slowdown after-effect a little so that Scouts still have a fighting chance, maybe 100%? Speed is their primary weapon, after all, and most who don’t escape to a safe place are easily mowed down anyway.
Rating: 2 out of 5

Solution 2: Allow an alternate fire that causes you to slow down initially, THEN get invulnerability. This would help with the original conception of giving Scouts access to areas previously blocked by sentries. To make up for this, you will be slowed down for ten seconds, with no notice of when the invuln starts. Alternatively, we could have 6-8 seconds of slowdown beforehand, then only have 2 or so seconds after the invuln. Cannot be stopped once activated.
Rating: 3 out of 5

The Sandman
Ahh, yes, the controversial child; now more balanced, although it’s still incredibly irritating to get hit with (and incredibly giggly to use), and still banned from CEVO. However, there’s something on my mind that I’m sure a lot have been thinking of; bind mouse1 to attack with the bat and mouse2 to launch the ball, instead of the current system.
Rating: 5 out of 5

Soldier

Ah yes, the crazy one. I see no necessary or even interesting changes to the class. Dismissed!

Pyro

Now here’s a class I grief  about along with the Scout. However, unlike the Scout, I find it takes a fair bit less skill to use, and is far too rewarding for what it is. A higher skill ceiling and floor platform would be nice to have.

So, here’s my proposals.

Flamethrower
Idea 1: The Compression Blast is ridiculously fun to use, indeed it is, and is very annoying when you face a Pyro who’s actually skilled with who actually uses it. But it’s still the Pyros main, and a pain to encounter. Remember the old, broken, incredibly overpowered Ambassador? Unlike the tough weapon to use it is today, that is what is being used by the flamethrower. I’m not saying we get rid of that though. That would be stupid.

I recommend a slight reduction of the flames hitbox to fit the animations, so that Pyros will actually have to aim more and spam less in order to win their kills. The advantage? Compression blasts take 5 less ammo to use, giving you a total of 10 on a full tank. I’m (partially) sure many would approve.

It would also match the actual animations we see. Even if not, at the very least, change those animations to match what the Pyro can actually do.

Yes, I know the music is weird. Shut up.
Rating: 3 out of 5

The Backburner
This one. Yes… this one.

Well, here’s the deal. Many, many, MANY Pyros use it. And not really “use” it, so much as equip it.

The thing is, too many equip it over the flamethrower because of the occasional free crits and the fact that they never use the airblast anyway (the stingy, teamworkless, usually unskilled twits). Very few actually try ambushing and flanking the original Pyro was made for, and the Backburner was made for, and I guess I don’t blame them too much.

The solution? Originally thought up by Christopher Livingston (creator of Concerned) on his (old) (abandoned) TF2 comic blog 1Fort, this involved reducing the backburners range somewhat and slightly increasing it’s cone of fire + hitbox for crits. The benefits? You can attack bigger groups with it, IF you use it right,  while reducing the number of DURR HURR MUST CHARGE ENEMY type Pyros that consume so many games. I really thought this was a neat idea, number crunching notwithstanding.
Rating: 4 out of 5

Alternatively, reduce the damage from the front, I dunno. 1 out of 5.

Generic flamethrower idea
Make the flamethrowers have to connect with a certain amount of an enemy’s model before it sets him alight. Still does regular damage if you don’t connect enough, but Pyros would also have to do more than touch the enemy for the free 50-60 damage.
What? It could work.
Rating: 2 out of 5

The Flare Gun

This is my beloved in my 70-80 odd hours as Pyro. I love grabbing the attention of Snipers, and setting people on fire at a distance, and it’s not terribly easy to use either (like the flamethrowers). However, a recent update came out; the reverse damage falloff is gone, but it now mini crits enemies that are already on fire.

This I’m not too a big fan of because:
1) I was toataly MLG prO wif flare wepon at long raenge
2) The mini crit requires that the enemy be on fire, and it does 10 extra damage.

The 10 extra damage helps, I suppose, but I’m still not buying it. I could get 10 extra damage easily enough by spamming flames wildly in the enemy’s general direction. 50, in fact. Flaregun meh, revert plz Velav.
Rating: 2 out of 5

Fireaxe

That is all.

Demomahn

Ahh, the controversial Demoman. My 2nd most played class, and one of my favorites. What’s there to change?

In honesty, although I wasn’t in TF2 from the beginning (August of last year), I agree with most, if not all of Valve’s nerfs. 6 grenades would have been way too spammy, as would 32 spare shots (if my sources are right). Stickies would completely lock out areas, and merely moving them takes forever without an airblast (and that’s assuming they’re on the floor), so it’s only right that they can be destroyed (and they can’t be destroyed easily save Heavies). Having grenades explode on ANY contact (if GB isn’t lying) creates a lot of fear (and spam). And sticky spamming is prevalent, so the close range damage nerf was alright (although the least inspired/goodideaish of the nerfs)

What can I bring to the table, then? Sticky spamming is still common, although any Demoman who relies purely on stickies is at a big disadvantage in my point of view. So, perhaps an increase to 5 grenades and a reduction to 7 stickies, or even 6/6? It could work. Maybe. Not all that important, though, come to think of it.
Rating: 2 out of 5

The Heavy

Natasha
DON’T BE JEALOUS, SASHA.

I still find this gun to be woefully underused, due in part to a couple of mistakes (the initial 66% damage miscode before the Scout update and the speed reduction during the Scout update being 25% instead of 75%). So, what’s one to do?

I can’t really tell, to be honest. The better Heavies can aim well enough to kill without needing slowdown to make it easier. It needs to be played a more teamwork style, as mentioned earlier, but then the Heavy is already quite deadly when played together with a team, whichever weapon he uses (not to say that ninja heavies aren’t a threat). Helps ‘gainst Scouts & Pyros, but that’s most of it.

Thoughts?

The KGB

Honestly, who uses the fists after this except for being generally awesome with taunt kills? What heavy uses melee, in fact? How about making the fists always do mini crits?
Rating: 2 out of 5

And that concludes this 1500 word rant! Part dos on the Engineer through to the Spy will be coming out soon*.

Please discuss with civility.

Clank out. ~~

My most common answer is “The Spy Update.”

He backstabbed my heart

.

Truthfully, my friends, I have fallen in love with the dashing French(maybe)man we call “The Spy.” He appeals to my tactical nature, espescially with the Cloak and Dagger. While Medic is not an option due to us having six snipers and three spys on our team, I join the madness, put on my balaclava and suit, and go hunting. While other Spies will jump right into the action, I lurk, invisible on the battlefield, advancing and stopping with my cloak meter, inching ever closer to that dominating Heavy, or that Engie whose name I’ve taken, I watch, I wait, then I strike. Gentlemen, I am a Spy.

But then, something odd happened on the server last night. I was on a team in Redfort with the usual post-update Spy and Sniper count, but the Spy count was low enough so that if I went Spy, I would tip the fragile balance of our team. What few assault classes we had were being deftly cared for by a Medic better than me, so I did something I haven’t done in ages.

I went Soldier, and I LOVED IT.

.

I just crit. IN MY PANTS.

That Hectic night was my best Soldier playtime in a while. A positive Kill/Death ratio, one domination for most of the game. (I had two for a while, but a very determined dominee wrested it from me.) Top of the scoreboard a few times. I was bouncing Scouts up into the air and getting direct hits on the way down. I rocket jumped behind a siper and killed him with my shovel, and hit a Heavy in the face with a direct crit rocket.

Then we switched the Convoy and things got… strange. It was still fun, though.

So, don’t expect me to be playing Medic all the time any more. I have two new classes now. I need to become a better spy, and I need to see if that night of Soldier competence was a fluke.

However, I’m not in a position to play any Team Fortress 2 right now, (I’m sure anyone on my friends list has heard me whine about it.) Here’s hoping I get a decent laptop for graduating this year and can get back in the fray soon. Who knows, maybe by the time I get back into Team Fortress 2 we’ll have resonably balanced teams.

Until then, I’ll have to survive on Ubercharged DnD sessions and Frank Sinatra.

However, there was nothing beautiful about the carnage taking place during that day. The sun itself was a witness to yet another bloodbath spilled daily near the two bases owned by two major corporations.

There was a ferocious battle taking place in Dustbowl. BLU team was pushing into RED territory, and RED soon found itself holding on desperately to their last control point. The Heavy had waddled his way back into a corner of the control point with the Medic strafing around him to prevent any future backstabs. The Soldier and the Demoman were waiting at the entrance for the enemy. The Engineer was already fixing up his buildings in a snug little corner. And the  Spy and Pyro were making their regular rounds about the possible entrance routes.

As arrows flew and the Spy came back with the smell of burnt hair and clothing, the Heavy noticed the BLU sniper was aggressively attacking him with his new weapons. However, where was their sniper? And where’s that little baby man?

None of this, though, bothered the two gentlemen who had ditched the action for the relative peace at Gravelpit. In fact, they were sitting on a control point miles away, having their own little picnic.

The Sniper got out merely because of an excuse about his bladder. After convincing the Medic that all he needed was a trip to the bathroom (and not surgical removal with the bonesaw), he hopped into his van and sped off to rendezvous with the Scout, who complained that his ball had flown out of the fence and he had to go retrieve it. Poor excuses, but nobody missed the two. The battle went on without them.

So it was, the Sniper and the Scout having a dainty little picnic under the shade from their umbrella.

“Beer?”

“Nah. I prefer tacos.”

The two sat back, listening to the noises of gunfire and explosions in the distance. Occasionally, the Sniper would go on a high perch and “fire” off a few arrows in the general direction of the noises while the Scout would hit his balls (he found a couple of Sandmen on the way). That way, they could claim that they were “part of the action.”

Crunch, crunch

The Sniper’s ear quickly picked up on the noise. He quickly reached under the picnic blanket for his kukri.

Instead of an open confrontation, he received a faceful of gravel that stung his face.

“Hey!”

The Scout brushed at his face, upset at the annoyance. “Gravel? What a nuisance!”

Suddenly, a BLU spy appeared right before their eyes. Dressed in a blue pinstripe suit, he looked far too well-cut to kick gravel in somebody’s face. He carried a gold watch in his left hand, instead of his normal gray watch. He looked at the duo with sheer disgust.

The Spy sneered. “Haw haw haw, what are you going to do? Run five miles and shoot me?”

“Ye-; No…” The Sniper was at a loss for words. How did he know? With his severely underpowered submachine gun, he could not fight at close range combat effectively. His kukri was ineffective at dealing with someone who actually knew how to fight hand-to-hand.

The Scout, however, had no trouble dealing with those “dime-a-dozen backstabbing scumbags.” With a single blast of his scattergun, the sneering gentleman instantly fell to the ground. And died.

The Sniper took off his hat to pay his respects. How often did the Spy go down so quickly?

“Not often enough.”

The last thing the Sniper saw was a silver revolver with a huge barrel and engravings on its side. He also heard the Spy’s signature cackle, the laugh that told him that he had been backstabbed once again. How did he know?

And then the blood poured out from his head.

* * *

The Sniper sat in his van, feeling miserable at his failure. Not only did a BLU spy dispatch him and the Scout, he had been chastised severely for playing hooky. Obviously, somebody noticed and tattled, although it might have been one of those cameras that she installed everywhere, from the dorms to the latrines.

How did she know?

He remembered the chastisement from the Announcer. He had been summoned after he and the Scout bought some tacos from the taco truck outside of their dorms.

*FZZT* SNIPER PLEASE REPORT TO THE OFFICE *FZZT*

He knew what to expect. The middle-aged lady sat in her arm chair, back facing the Sniper. The lack of lighting only made it seem more ominous. The stench of her cigarette was overpowering.

“Tell me, why did you skip out on the match?”

The Sniper’s Adam’s apple bobbed.

“Well?”

He scratched his head. Time to use the excuse that he had used so often. “Well…nobody seems to think much of me, ma’am. I mean, they claim I hang back too much, and-”

She waved and cut him off. “I’ve given you two unlockables already. The Huntsman and the Razorback. If you can’t make use out of them, then I don’t see what use I can make out of you!”

She paused. “Get out, and do NOT disappoint me again.“

Now the Sniper was lying on his bed. He couldn’t confront his teammates. Not after he had ditched them. His only refuge now was the pile of comics he had under his bed. Superman, Batman, he loved them. None of them had the merits of Saxton Hale, though.

Saxton Hale. The Australian Alan Quartermaine. That handsome, muscular man with the large amounts of chest hair and incredibly short cut-off pants. He was his childhood hero, his idol and model. And like the Hank Aaron poster in the Scout’s dorm, he had posters of him. Pictures, flyers, comics, even fanfic that he never dared to publish. Whenever the Sniper had a bad day or just plumb was in a bad mood, he turned to Saxton Hale for answers.

He started flipping through his comic book. And there he found his answer.

It was a comic. And not just an ordinary one. It had somebody just like him, bullied around by a troublesome BLU spy. And on the second row, he saw himself, reading a similar comic. It was him, discovering Jarate.

Just like how I am learning about it now breathed the Sniper in amazement.

Suddenly, he yelped. He kicked a chair across the room. It was all coming to him now. And something happened just then -

He remembered everything. From the ancient Aborigines, he saw the ancient art in his head now. From the ancient ancestors of long past, he understood the guarded secret. And from the Australian blood in his veins, he felt a connection to Saxton Hale – the Australian Chuck Norris. This message was a god-send, and he was now a prophet.

I’ll never have to worry about lack of urinary privileges ever again! thought the Sniper as he cut out the order form and put in the $5 from the allowance money Mum sent him.

* * *

The box came to the Sniper almost two days after he sent the order in. In it were Saxton Hale Jarate pills, a trophy, and a couple of jars. However, the Sniper didn’t read the instructions. Even worse, he didn’t even read the part about the Saxton Hale Pain Tonic. It wasn’t in the box.

The Sniper downed the pills. Within seconds, he felt something near his sides expand. The size of his kidneys tripled as expected. They started filtering his liquid wastes like never before!

After a minute, he had completely filled all four jars. And he still needed more.

He had to keep it a secret though. After all, the instructions had told him to keep this secret art to himself for reasons of “public health and decency.”

It wasn’t easy. He saw the Announcer pop a few aspirins and a few forehead veins after he ran out of a briefing mid-meeting. The Heavy looked at him with an odd look on his face, troubled by the Sniper’s constant running in and out of the dining hall. He told the Engineer to take his night-watchman post, as he could not stay for a few seconds before having to urinate again.

I really gotta buy more jars thought the Sniper as he walked to his van to take a trip to the local convenience store.

Hours later, the Medic came across the moaning and mumbling Sniper, clutching his chest as if he wanted to rip his organs out.

* * *

The Sniper woke up to a world of aches and pains. He felt as if a million little Spies were inside him, puncturing his organs with their butterfly knives. It felt as if his organs were shutting down. He was bedridden and had to be kept under watch 24/7 to prevent his symptoms from getting worse. Only the Sniper’s glassy, pitiful eyes prevented the good Doc from satisfying his curiosity on him.

“He looks awful.”

“Musta been the tacos.”

The Sniper took the trash can and vomited for the 14th time in the day. And most of that vomit was blood, too.

Being between life and death and teetering towards the latter, he thought of his Mum and his Dad. He thought of past memories on the range, living on his own in the outback before he had been taken away to fight for RED. Most importantly, though, he thought of his friends, his teammates that he had abandoned. He should’ve helped him – after all, he was of some importance, right?

“Maybe I should’ve been a doctor like Dad said,” groaned the Sniper as he gave in to his exhaustion.

* * *

White. Was he in heaven? All he could see was white.

He blinked. No. It was some sort of material. What was it?

A paper. It was familiar. As the light reached the Sniper’s eyes, he saw that it was quite colorful. The morning light was going through the paper, filtering the colors from the other side.

He turned it over. It was that same comic, the one he had read back in his trailer. Before he had gotten himself into this mess with that Jarate crap.

How could you, Saxton Hale?

Looking closely at the paper though, he saw discrepancies. The first part of the comic was just the way it was before. However, in the last part of the comic, he saw that the original drawings had been scribbled over. In its place was a crude drawing of figure reminiscent of the BLU Spy. Underneath his feet was a corpse with a knife sticking out of the back. And that corpse was on a hospital bed…

No…

He heard a chuckle. He heard the flicking of a knife. He heard it too often. And for once, he found himself helpless. Even scared.

The BLU Spy flicked his knife once more as he advanced on the bed, carrying with him a sinister aura. The Sniper swore that he could fit a slice of watermelon in the Spy’s smile.

The Sniper got off the bed and backed away. The adrenaline was pumping within him now. He took out his kukri. If he was going to die, he would with his face to the enemy.

The Sniper glared at the Spy. “How did you get in here?”

The Spy smirked. “Your poor fat friend was obviously distracted with his disgusting food. The Sandviches. When I killed him, he found three other sandviches just lying around. Fat got his tongue.”

He lit a cigarette. “I see that you’ve resorted to desperate measures just to defeat me. You disgust me. You were so gullible, falling for that lowbrow ruse I called Jarate.”

The Sniper’s jaw dropped. “How did you know?”

“I sneaked into your trailer. I gave you something from your so-called childhood hero, Saxton Hale, who is obviously in financial trouble. I mean, who would charge people $5 just to teach them how to piss in a jar?

“The truth is, I did it to humiliate you. What would the world think of a the great “Adelaide Assassin”? He now pisses in a jar just to defeat someone like me!” The Spy’s laugh rang throughout the room. “You’re nothing, you don’t stand a chance against me. And the world will finally see the fool in you. And I will finally be known as the best class in the world!”

Then, once again, he disappeared.

Blood pounded in the Sniper’s head. What am I going to do? His teammates were gone, he was alone with a kukri against a skilled assassin. He rushed out of the room in sheer panic.

“You can run, but you can’t hide!” rang out a voice somewhere near the Sniper.

He rushed down the hallway. As much as his sides ached, he had to keep going. he didn’t know where to go, or what to do when he got there. His legs just carried him.

“What are you going to do? Run 20 meters and shoot me?”

The Sniper burst into the lab room, where the Medic usually operated on his hapless subjects. He bolted the door and sat on the blood-stained operating table, gasping for breath. There was nothing he could do…

I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die-

“Peekaboo!”

An arm snaked out of nowhere and slashed at the Sniper. Had it not been for the Sniper’s quick reflexes, he would’ve received more than just a facial wound. Nevertheless, the shock of it all drove the Sniper back into a row of shelves, where the Medic was studying the Sniper’s urine samples.

The Sniper, bloodied and battered, looked up above him.

Take it…

As if on instinct, the Sniper snatched a jar from the shelf. What am I going to do with this jar of urine?

Use it…

“Maybe they should bury you in that van you call home!” cackled the Spy as he raised his knife for the kill.

Now!

The Sniper tossed the jar of urine. As it arched across the room, the Spy’s smirk was quickly replaced by one of shock. It was then replaced with a look of fear.

The jar shattered as the Spy received a faceful of the Sniper’s liquid bodily wastes. The urine stained the Spy’s Hugo Boss suit. There was a sound of electricity, and then the Spy was fully uncloaked.

“Is this…?!” cried the Spy in anguish.

With the last ounce of his strength, the Sniper stabbed the Spy with his kukri. Before the Spy died, though, he gave the Jarate master a look of agony, a look of the deepest hate that one could possibly possess.

The Spy spat out these last words through his gritted teeth: “I HATE -”

The Sniper took out his kukri and the Spy fell to the ground covered in the Sniper’s urine and his own blood.

The Adelaide Assassin paid his respects.

* * *

The following days passed quickly. After finding the Spy’s cache of Saxton Hale Pain Tonic Pills (which he took from the box before it was delivered to the Sniper), he quickly recovered.

The Medic didn’t get to satisfy his curiosity. However, the Sniper’s incredibly effective kidneys never ceases to amaze the Medic.

The RED and BLU Spy’s disgust for the Sniper only grew. “Filthy jar man,” they would mutter behind the Sniper’s back.

Thanks to the Sniper’s ingenious new weapon, he could now fight effectively at close-range. He would toss his jar of urine at the enemies. They would cower in fear and lose the will to live. They would die either from the Sniper’s kukri or from the bullets of his teammates. And even if they escaped, it would haunt every living, waking moment of their lives.

Even better, everybody was now grateful to the Sniper for saving his life when the Engineer accidentally left the task of grilling burgers to the Pyro. They were all a little disgusted, but nevertheless, grateful. And the Sniper quickly learned that he was now a team player, and that friendship is indeed golden.

After a day of chucking his jars around, the Sniper retired to the trailer. On his desk was not only a picture of his parents, but also a jar of urine.

And if you look closely enough in the yellowish fluid, you can see the smiling, rugged muscular Australian man who turned the Sniper into a weapon of mass destruction. It’s cheap, it’s found everywhere, it’s easily used -

It’s Jarate.

Anyway, in eight months we’ll have had Team Fortress 2 in our game libraries for two years. That’s a big milestone. Two years of playing maps. Two years of updates. Two years of Demoman nerfs. We’ve had all this time to play Team Fortress 2, and observe the classes.

But what if the classes had the chance of observe us? What if they all knew they were in a video game? How would they react when exposed to Valve and the community?

Scout: I see the Scout taking the realization that he’s a video game character the best. He would get a huge ego boost over the fact that there were people playing as him all over the world. He would join the Steam forums and be annoyingly pro-sandman. Anything to give himself an edge.

Soldier: The Soldier would probably be disappointed in most Soldier players. He’d probably think anyone with less than a thirty kill streak unworthy of playing him. When introduced to the real world, he would find a job in management and whip some maggot department into shape.

Pyro: To quote the Pyro himself, “Mrph mrmm mm mp mrm mmmm!”

Demoman: Demoman would be very angry at Valve for nerfing him so much. He’d question the sensibility of nerfing the Demoman on the word of only the Steam forums. Then, finding that nobody was listening to him, he’d get drunk on the strongest booze he could find.

Heavy: Heavy would tell the Steam forum users to cry some more, then go join a real wrestling league and beat up puny babies untill he was fired for being too violent with his defeated enemies. After that, he would probably join the military. Heavy would love all those fancy new automatic weapons.

Engineer: Engineer would be one of the most unaffected by the revalation. In fact, I see him going to work for Valve. The image of him whacking away at the Half-Life episode 3 demo with his wrench is pretty funny. Maybe he’ll make it so you’ll get scurvy if you pirate it.

Medic: Medic would find no companionship with actual doctors. He would be severely disappointed with the lack of hurting within the medical practice. Perhaps he could get along with pediatricians. Most likely, he would follow Heavy into the army and revolutionize battlefield medicine with the ubercharge. Or many not, Team Fortress 2 tactics would never work in a real-life battle.

Sniper: Sick of being hated all the time, the Sniper would flee Team Fortress 2 and everything related to it. He could take up assassination and make millions, or maybe get his own reality show. “The Wankerdile Hunter.” I forsee big bucks no matter what career path the Sniper takes.

Spy: The Spy would probably be motified at this revalation. All his secret operations laid bare for the world to see. He would disappear into the real world, and no one would hear from him again… Or would they? Mysterious deaths and corporate takeovers abound.

The Announcer: Fools, she already knows. Most likely, every world leader is under the Announcer’s thumb somehow. She also runs Valve, Gabe Newell is her cofee-boy.

See you on the other side, friends.

If you have recently expierienced head truama and care about what Sheepshifter is doing these days, check out his twitter by copy and pasting the following address into your browser because he cannot figure out how to make links all fancy right now. https://twitter.com/Sheepshifter

Now that that’s over, let me continue on with my undoubtedly controversial rant.

I really, really dislike Soldiers.

No, dislike isn’t strong enough. Passionately despise would be slightly more accurate, but words could never describe how much I hate that class. Every solitary facet of the Soldier fills me with a deep smouldering rage. I hate being juggled by ultra-damaging rockets. I hate being gibbed, punctured, and slashed by the frequent cirts brought on by the constant splash damage done by rockets. I hate how the Soldier has only the second highest health, but never seems to die when I need him to. I hate how the Steam stats claim the Soldier is only the fourth most frequently played class, yet it seems every corner I turn, there’s one standing there ready and willing to blow me into chunky noodle soup. I hate how I’m always dominated by them, but can barely play as them. But most of all, I. Hate. The. Soldier.

I’m going to let that sit in for a second.

Back with me again? Good. Bear with me now for a bit, this is where it gets tricky.

I’m not suggesting we do anything about it.

“But why?” you may ask through a mouth stuffed full of some sort of greasy, cheese encrusted snack. “Why then have you come here to complain? Why do you present complaints but no solutions? Are you not interested in the betterment of the game?!”

Dearest readers, I come here simply to present my opinion. I suggest that Team Fortress 2 is not only the gut-grabbinest, gut-rippenest, strangle-you-with-your-own-grabbed-gutsiest battle thriller ever seared onto my monitor (as the game’s website so accurately puts it), but it is essentially perfect. I believe the only patches that are ever really needed are exploit and bug fixes. Nerfs and upgrades are almost never necessary, with examples being the Pyro’s airblast as a necessary, and the Backburner’s 50 extra health being removed being unnecessary (but that’s another issue entirely, and perhaps I’ll discuss it at a later date).

Instead of blaming the game as being unbalanced or unfair, I instead blame my own lack of skill. I am by no accounts a poor player, as many of my friends may begrudgingly admit. However, one of my main faults is my near-complete inability to fight Soldiers. Is this the fault of the game mechanics? No. Is this the fault of The Valve? Nope. It is my fault and my fault alone for being unable to fight that single class. Besides, who am I to ruin someone’s favourite class? The Demoman is this close to being crippled with all the requests for nerfs from the endlessly whiny community, why endanger yet another class?

And so dear readers, I put this forward to you: the next time you beg for nerfs, reconsider. Perhaps, instead of changing the game to pander to your needs and wants, instead try to play around that part of the game, and eventually you’ll find a counter for whatever tactic you may be challenged with. All it takes is patience.

And so, I leave you with one last thing for you to remember next time you’re frustrated with the game:

I still hate the Soldier, though.

A Pyro, a Heavy, and an Engineer,
All willing to make me a smear.

But it shall not be done.
For my friend behind me, has a Medigun.

He yells, “I AM FULLY CHARGED!”
The task at hand, is quite large.

BABIES!
Hudda!
Mah Sentrah!

These calls, are met with a rocket.
The Engineer goes first, sitting in his pocket.

The Pyro attempts to set me alight.
But a crit rocket ends the fight.

I turn, and find the Heavy has fled.
But he is stopped, with a shovel to the head.

The charge fizzles, but something is odd.
I then get killed by the vengeful Train God.

And now for something completely different:

The whirr of a sentry has aquired my attention
And no one is near.
I shall take it down without a mention
My job is fear.

It touches the machine, and melds
Things are going to get fun.
Right on cue, someone yells:
SPAH SAPPIN MAH SENTRAH GUN!

The tapping of feet, as he runs down the hall
Prepares me for the fight.
He enters the room, unaware of his fall
I plunge the knife with all my might.

A heavy appears, and my fate is insured,
As I sit in the destroyed den,
I face the Russian, and speak one final word:
Gentlemen.

The sad truth of the matter is, however, that’s not always the case. Especially in video games, where your life expectancy is no more than a few minutes before being ‘reset’. Because dying has become such an… inconvenience in video games, humans by nature want to make death even more inconvienent. With the wide array of guns and other lethal weapons at your disposal in TF2, people can be a bit spoilt for choice at times. Well, let’s narrow it down to the top five best weapons to end your enemies’ lives, in the most annoying, humiliating, ragequit worthy way (in no particular order):

Number One: The Bat

You should’ve seen this one coming. It’s one of the most commonly used weapons for irritating you to death. But what makes this weapon so frustrating to be murdered by? What is it that makes people yell out once they’ve gotten hit by it?

Let’s have a look at some trusty stats over at the TF2wiki. The bat, according to them, does the least about of damage out of any melee weapon, excluding the axtinguisher or the knife, which both have unique abilites. The bat only compenstates for its weakness by having a faster swing time, which we can all notice for ourselves. The weapon also has the 6th highest chance of critting, but is on par with other melee weapons like the fireaxe and the shovel. But it’s not just the weapon itself which makes this weapon embarassing to die from, but also has something to do with the person using it.

It’s obvious that most of the TF2 classes have lost their marbles; trying to blow up the Loch Ness Monster, talking to decapitated heads and having an unhealthy relationship with firearms make this clear. But the Scout, out of all nine, usually just comes across as being too far up his own arse. Being killed by him only feeds his evergrowing ego. And you don’t want that, do you?

Number Two: The Facestab

Oh jeez. I can feel the heat raising just as the word ‘facestab’ is mentioned. This rejected offspring is born through a combination of high ping and hit detection. You’ll be wandering around and see a Spy. You’ll try to keep him in your field of vision for as long as possible so that you don’t have your back facing to him, which is a potentially lethal position to be in. But, for a split second, the Spy is behind you. You thought you’d outsmarted him, turn around just in time to see his face and…

BAM! Back to the spawn room for you. The reason this sort of kill is so annoying is because you think you’re safe as long as the Spy is infront of you. Well, looks like you’ve been proved wrong, eh? In terms of trying to achieve this sort of kill yourself, It’s best if you go on a server were you are guaranteed a ping of atleast 100. If your computer is running on something like the LHC, this may be hard to come by, but keep looking and I’m sure you’ll find something. This, along with a combination of lag, should nab you some facestabs. But how do you always know you’ve gotten a facestab? Sometimes it’s not as obvious to you as you may think, as what your victim sees could be different from what you see. However, the players themselves will more than likely inform you politely that you have been given the unwanted fortune of sticking a knife up their nostril.

Number Three: Telefragged

We’ve all been there. You’ve just successfully gotten rid of a pretty tough sentry farm and you’ve gone in to pick up the pieces. All that is left is just a lonesome teleporter, still beeping away. You don’t want to waste any ammo on the wretched thing, so you decide it’d be best to melee it into submission. Oh boy, that was a mistake.

Your enemy, now aware that the sentries are down, rush to the scene to try and rebuild. They notice their teleporter has, luckily, not been spotted by the enemy. It’s pretty risky, but you think it’d be best to use it because you know walking would take too long. As you step over, disappear, then reappear, you notice something. You got a kill!

How embarassing. While you meleed the teleporter, someone appeared in front of you and flattened you.

It seems to be an instinct that people prefer to melee teleporters to death rather than shooting them. I can predict telefragging may become increasingly more common, with the fact teleporters can charge up considerably faster now. So, next time you see a teleporter up, you may just get a kill right off the bat if you’re lucky!

Number Four: Your Own Sentry/Rocket/Sticky/Pipe

Whether this is caused due to a reflect from a Pyro, or a ‘finished off’ situation, you don’t want to die from yourself. Whoever said ‘you are your own worse enemy’ must’ve been thinking of all the Soldier/Demomen players on TF2. Okay, maybe that phrase has been around decades before TF2, but lets gloss over that for now.

People used to quite freely kill themselves from their own weapons. If a Pyro had you pinned and you knew your demise was imminent, you’d just blast the floor/pop a sticky down and you’d be able to essentially ’steal’ the kill off of your enemy. Great, wasn’t it? But then Valve ruined everyone’s fun. Now, when you died, the last person to injure you got kill credit! How mean of them! Since then, players have been much more cautious in not having anymore ‘accidents’. But now, whenever it does happen, it’s now much more annoying. Because most Soldiers shoot at the ground, as to avoid air blasting Pyros and to make their shots harder to dodge, this can be problematic in smaller areas were you yourself can take damage. Being rushed is probably when this is most likely to happen.

Now, getting killed at your own sentry is a bit harder to do, because Sentries don’t tend to aim at teammates. But, I think this video explains it rather well. Need I say more?

Number Five: From a reflected flare. As a Pyro.

You’ll be thinking, what? How the hell does this happen?

The short answer: It does. Just not very often.

The longer answer: to be honest, you should feel somewhat privileged rather than humiliated to be killed in this way. I mean, it’s almost achievement-worthy. You’ve been killed in a way that probably less than 1% of TF2 players have been. Isn’t that great?! The chances when this will happen is if your low on health (and I mean really low) and running away like billio from a chasing enemy Pyro. You take out your flare gun and take a shot. You know it’ll do basically nothing but who knows? Maybe the enemy has an irrational fear of them or… Something. Then you discover this enemy Pyro has been working since birth at perfecting the art of the air blast. You see the flare looming towards you, but you’re too dazzled by the fact he managed to even reflect it to really move out the way. You know what happens next. Depending on what type of personality you are, you’ll probably either burst out crying, burst out laughing, or both.

Well, there you have it. Not really much else to say, except keep your eye out for these things, or on the other hand, seek them out if you want to beat the enemy into submission. With a baseball bat.

The first time I saw that was in OMFGNinja’s Advanced Spy Ninja Tutorial. Unusual then, that he would use something that fits the personality of the Soldier for a Spy, but only technically. And yes, I do think it’s something most players tend to neglect; if you’re in a good position, you can strike down an enemy or two easily. This true applied to the element of surprise, or even otherwise. Arguably, if there are those who don’t bother with it, it’s because people don’t have patience for it, or perhaps because a lot are casual players who don’t think about this, or whatever else. I’m going to talk about one great aspect of tactical positions – height.

Yes, height. Whether it be 2 feet or 20 feet above or below, height can make a difference in a TF2 encounter, single or multiple enemies. You could fight even in a disadvantage, but ask yourself: do you really want to? Probably not, unless you’re sure you can take out the enemy (usually meaning new player).
“If fighting is sure to result in victory then you must fight!”
So I’m going to talk about several uses of height for a few different classes, where you can use it to your advantage, and in general too, I guess. Some obvious, some not so obvious.

A big reason, of course, is that people rarely look upwards in real life, and by extension, in Team Fortress 2 as well. So without further ado…

The Rocketman
This one’s pretty basic. Can you say “splash damage”? If you’re a regular Soldier, or have even played it for just a few hours, you know that aiming at the enemy’s feet is one of the basic skills of a Soldier, and even more so if there’s a group of enemies. Sure it does less damage, but what are the odds of hitting the enemy anyway? Oh yeah, and there’s juggling.

When a Soldier, you want to be on higher ground than your opponent as often as possible. Not only does this make it harder for them to shoot you, it also widens your floor area of attack, making it easier to aim. What does this mean? Imagine if you’re on the same level as the enemy. Fightable, but your vertical mouse (apologies to console players, but we are the overlords of FPS gaming =P) aim has to be tight in order to get a good shot. Now, imagine yourself being 10 feet higher. It’s a lot easier to hit splash damage because your berth for aim is bigger vertically, isn’t it? Think of the courtyard area of *shivers* 2fort.

These two pictures use the red lines for approximately the same distance.

See this. Notice how the lines at the top are getting much closer to each other, meaning that the further away the enemy is from you, the harder to hit he is.

Now you're on the point, 10 feet above the ground. See the difference?

And as a Soldier, you don’t want to be below the enemy, because after you go down below eye level, nothing but a direct hit with a rocket will damage the enemy (save walls). And these points are true for fighting a Soldier too. It’s always tough to take out a Soldier who’s on the roof of Avanti, but in HalfAcre, if you’re on a cliff and a Soldier is below, it’s incredibly easy to dodge rockets. Phear the Rocket Jump, maggots! One of those gives you at least an extra rocket before you hit the ground.

Free cookie: Spot the 3 "interesting" things in this picture. (And no, Sasha, the second cap point, and the jetpack don't count.) (Okay, last one is tough, so hint = Scouts weapon)

The Arsonist
While height isn’t a big point for Pyro’s, you can certainly play it like a Spy. Imagine a group of players, running ahead of you, not noticing you. Backburner out (although I usually prefer the flamethrower), you lick your chops for some delicious barbecued Heavy Weapons Guy. But suddenly, oops, one of them has turned around. Before you know it, the Heavy turns around too, and you’re swiss cheese because your flamer has too short a range.

This is why; Pyro’s are made for ambushes. The chaos and damage of fire strikes fear into the heart of men (and girls too), which is why W + M1 succeeds more often than it should. Now, think of that same scenario. This time though, you’re above the enemy in a balcony, where they likely won’t see your crouching self. You jump down and WHAM! Even if that same person saw you, he’d have that much less time to react and warn his team. Mmm… delicious roasted Sandvich…

I hear a Hunter. Come on out wussy!

The Errant Twitcher
This class is unusual, because it’s one of the few times where you’d rather be below your enemy for fighting (maybe not Soldiers so much, but shut up, I’m trying to make a point here >=D). The Demoman is the ONLY class with indirect fire capability, unless you want to count sentries. Which I don’t. With a real arc to his projectile weapons, unlike the syringe guns, you can lob nades and stickies up above with ease. If it doesn’t kill your enemy, it will likely scare them off, if they don’t react, that is. Detonation is always a key factor.

Oh crap...

Still, it’s not like the Demoman can’t play like a Soldier. You’ll mainly want the stickies here. It’s a little less easy and/or effective, but it works well.

However! If you find that map with an obstacle between you and someone else, you can lob explosives over there! I find defending the third cap on Avanti has a very nice spot, for that BLU exit balcony.

AND! Hiding stickies on the ceiling makes them much much harder to notice. This helps tremendously since the destructable stickies update.

The HardHat
In terms of sentry placement, having higher ground means that it’s harder for all but Demomen to reach your equipment. This means Spies too! Meaning that they have to go a ways to get to your stuff. I like the logs on point A of pc_sawmill a fair bit. A little exposed, but if you have people who are not zombie engineers, then you should do fine.

No comment.

IF you have a sentry lower down, however, you could potentially send the enemy blasting through the air, that is, if they try to jump down on it. Not usually a favorable position, but consider the possibilities that sentry blowback gives. Most people don’t react to this situation very well.

The Secret Agent

Now this I like, a lot. Plenty of opportunities to munch on Squishies from above! It is, I hazard, an amazing way to attack. I’ll try and base my attacks with height for a week and see how it turns out. Leaping stabs are great ways, and if your timing is good, BAM. If not, it’s also a very good tactic to jump down and stalk for a few seconds to get to the enemy, because the time you’re exposed to the possibility of boooolets is much lower. This makes you more of a ghost, and good Spies are pretty much Ghosts, aren’t they?

One of my favorite spots. Note that it's pretty hard to get to the cranetop if you don't have double/sticky/rocket jump abilities. Possible, though.

*gratis to Himmelstoss for pointing out that video to me twice. You are credit to writing!
___________________________________________

So what does this mean for you?

Height is always a useful tool, especially if you’re above. Gravity moves you much quicker than anything save explosions, and the ability to Blitzkrieg is something that can reduce your enemy to chunky giblets (or ashes, depending on you) before they can respond. Think of it as another version of the element of surprise, only it’s much harder to counter because you’re not actually there with the enemy until you attack.

That’s all for now. Awaiting good constructive criticism. For extra credit, discuss why people tend not to look up while playing. If you are one of those who do look up, no need to tell us. =)

Twinkle, twinkle, little crit

Oh how sweetly you do sit

Oh how could we ever know

How much destruction you can sow

We are all aware of the numerous ways in which Team Fortress 2 differs from most FPS’s. We are also aware of how some of these design choices divide the community. Not least among those is the presence of critical hits, affectionately (or not so affectionately in some cases) dubbed crits. For some people, they are the bane of their existence. Several servers are now No-Crit servers, with many players opting out of the glowing tracer shots, sparkling rockets and brutal melee swipes. However, before you type “no crits” into that search field, think again. For critical hits are glorious!

Crits, it’s crits. We hope it’s crits, it’s crits

I don’t mean circumstantial crits- the backstabs, the headshots, the axtinguisher. While glorious in their own right, they are not representative of the real critical hit. For the bona fide crit is a fluke, a whim of Lady Luck designed to give and take in equal measure. Occuring somewhere between 5 and ten hits per hundred, nothing controls crits but an invisible die, along with a slight modifier based on your performance so far this life.

It seems odd that Valve would let something so destructive be controlled purely by chance. Take the sticky mine. A crit sticky is the single most destructive attack in the game (with the exception of instakills and the Almighty Train God), dealing a whopping 353 damage at point blank (plus 260-180 splash damage up to 6ft, fact fans). The splash alone is enough to kill anything but a Soldier or Heavy (without Overheal) in one go. Some might say this is too much, especially for a weapon that’s more often than not used in bunches. Indeed, many times playing as a Medic, I have been moved to frustrated tears by a Demoman launching stickies at my heal target, luckily landing a crit, and eviscerating me from 6ft away. However, I would argue that this is more a fault of how the Demoman can be played (though that’s not for here…) than with the critical hit system itself.

For while Fortune takes with one hand, she unfailingly gives with the other. For every time you’ve been killed by a lucky crit, you will have also had moments where you were fortunate. And, boy, do they make for good war stories.

For instance, once, while playing Gravel Pit as an offensive Sniper, I found myself stuck at the B-C route, unable to stick my head out of the door. Waiting by a dispenser, I noticed a Pyro-Medic pair approaching. “Oh bother,” I thought. “This isn’t going to end well.” However, not concerned with a poxy Sniper, the Pyro made a beeline for the Engineer, unguarded by his Sentry. While he was distracted, I decided that if I was going to die, I’d die fighting, however futile. As he immolated my comrade, I approached him from the side, Kukri bared, and struck him. Water off a duck’s back (or perhaps fire would be a better analogy). I could see how this would end- the Pyro would turn to me and I’d die a fiery death. Figuring I was dead either way, I went for another blow. With a satisfying ‘CHUNK’ it critted. The Pyro fell limply to the floor. Emboldened by my kill, and feeling like a slim Australian version of the Hulk, I went for his Medic, who had barely enough time to switch to his syringes before a second critical Kukri blow sliced him in two.

Crits, glorious crits

I’m aware that I can take little credit for this story. After all, it was just two lucky rolls of an invisible ten-sided die that ensured my victory. But how many other TF2 experiences are based on luck? As a Spy, you are very much subject to the whims of chance- no matter how skilled you are, a Pyro’s playful blast of flame burns through your invisibility in an instant. When forced to cross a Sniper’s field of vision, you pray that he will be distracted by someone else long enough for you to pass.

That said, however, I can see there is one game type in which crits can potentially break down the game’s balance. That mode is, of course, Arena. As CodedOne said recently, in a match where there are no respawns, and each death matters, being on the receiving end of a critical rocket is no longer a minor inconvenience, but a potentially game-changing event. But I’m not sure that removing crits from Arena altogether would improve it. It would seem hypocritical of Valve to remove a gameplay feature from one gametype without doing so for all others, and I believe that TF2 without random crits would not be an improvement. I feel the best solution to this would be for the players to create more no-crit arena servers. No-one can really object to this, as anyone who doesn’t mind crits will still have the option to play with them.

All in all, though, with the exception of Arena, random crits are a harmless game mechanic that in over a year of playing TF2, we should really have got used to by now.

Battle of 2Fort, day 987

The Heavy came to me today, complaining about stomach pains. It seems he had found a sandwich while on guard duty and, thinking someone had brought him a snack, consumed it. He claims that it tasted “not so good.” I recommended he lie down for the rest of the day, but being the Heavy, he refused to miss today’s operation. He, along with the Scout and Spy, left for the BLU base 30 minutes ago.

Battle of 2Fort, day 990

The away team are still not back from BLU base, nor have any respawned. I am becoming increasingly concerned for their safety. Sniper has seen not a jot of activity across the bridge for 2 days. Very strange.

Battle of 2Fort, day 991

Something has affected the behaviour of our allies. They are coming for us. I no longer recognise them. They are as animals. From the state of their clothes, it seems they have slaughtered all the BLUs, which have joined their ranks. We remaining REDs are about to leave for the Dust Bowl and await further instructions. The Engineer has set up Sentry defences, but refuses to leave his beloved contraptions. He has not returned, and we are forced with heavy heart to leave without him.

2 Days after First Infection

We have arrived at the RED base, now four men down. The Soldier wants us to stand and fight, but I tell them we must hole up and wait for the Announcer to give us orders. No sign of the Infected. Although I am a man of science, I am completely dumbfounded by this phenomenon.

4 Days after First Infection

After two days of relative peace, the Sniper spotted first one, and then a whole horde of the Infected. How they are some many I cannot explain, nor how they have all assumed the likeness of our missing comrades.

It seems the Infected can easily be killed with fire or a shot to the head. Needless to say, the Sniper and the Pyro have taken it upon themselves to eradicate all of the monsters, even to the stage where they are in competition with one another. I, however, cannot share their high spirits.

5 Days after First Infection

We are down to four. Overcome and out of fuel, the Pyro was slain by a pack of the beasts. They ripped him to shreds. It is hard to think that these… things were once proud soldiers. Usually the Heavy is pleased to be coated in the blood of his enemies, but these days he will not stop eating them. Why can he not just be satisfied with his Sandvich any more?

One Week after First Infection

While exploring the mine buildings for supplies, we chanced upon a woman’s sobbing. Ever the gallant hero, the Soldier forced his way into the outbuilding to come to the poor wretch’s aid. It was the Announcer. She is smaller than I imagined, and with sharper claws. No sooner had we disturbed her sorrow, that she leapt upon the Soldier and struck him a mortal blow. We killed her, but too late. The Soldier’s condition is grave.

8 Days after First Infection

Attempts to heal the Soldier with my Medigun have proved futile. He is changing into one of them.  I fear we may have to act before nature, as death no longer seems the barrier to our enemies it once was. The Sniper is still managing to hold them back with his rifle, and the Demoman’s sticky traps have proved successful so far. We may hold yet.

10 Days after First Infection

The Soldier is dead. I saw to it with my own weapon. I have never turned my syringes on a friend before, and I didn’t much care for it, however pleasing the sound of needle hitting flesh continues to be. Chances of getting out alive are remote. There are now too many Infected to even consider leaving our stronghold. The Demoman is running out of pipe bombs, and more importantly, liquor. I do not relish the idea of him being sober.

Two Weeks after First Infection

I fear this will be my last journal entry. We are running out of food and ammunition, and the Infected test our defenses almost ceaselessly. I can hear them as we speak, soullessly imitating the catchphrases of our allies. The Heavies (if they can be called such) have somehow learnt to kill with only their fingers. The Sniper has been hit by a brutal “Pow!”

I must put down my pen and assist the Demoman in holding the door shut. They are coming and I must

If you think your own team is secretly conspiring to get you auto-balanced, look no further! Just remember these points and you’ll be home dry!

Thank Engineers and Medics

“Z-2″ should be most frequently used voice command you use. When being healed by Medics or if your saved by a dispenser, say thank you! I’ve come to notice that if you thank Medics for healing you, they’re more likely to heal you more (or even Uber you, depending on the situation at hand). Medics and Engineers are arguably the two most valuable classes any team can have (not a whole team of them, obviously). Make them feel valued.

There’s one great selfless act of kindness I’ve noticed while playing on CTF maps. When you make it back to your base with the intel, drop it in front of the Engineers in your base and offer him to capture it. Why? Most CTF map Engies will be sitting around the base all day, setting up sentries while waiting for a lucky chancer to get in, maybe getting a kill once every so often before their sentry is taken down by an Uber. By letting the Engy cap the intel, not only does it make you look like a nicer person, but it gives them a greater feeling of reward for their efforts in setting up sentries and teleporters for your team. Of course, you don’t need to do this for every capture you make, but if you ever feel as if the Engy is bored, you could make him happier. I’ve never seen anybody do this other than that one time a while back… Let’s spread the love!

Don’t use the teleporter if you don’t need to

Teleporters should mostly be used by Heavies, Soldiers and Engineers (to quickly return to their gear and repair). Never use a teleporter if you are a Scout. Don’t say this doesn’t happen; because it does. The irony is, on most maps, a Scout can get to where the teleporter is in the same time it takes a Heavy to wait and use it. Don’t fight for teleports, either. If you see somebody already waiting to use one, don’t push them off and steal it. Infact, if you’re waiting for a teleporter to charge and you see a Heavy walk out of the spawn, offer him to use it instead.

Don’t Hog the Medic

It’s perfectly understandable if you’re slowly burning to death and you want some assistance. But mashing ‘E’ won’t help. People forget how difficult a Medic’s job becomes when everybody starts shouting Medic, his screen slowly filling up with lots of little speech bubbles. If you are a low on health and you know a Medic is around, first search for health packs and if none are around, retreat back to safe ground, call then wait. Sometimes standing in front of a Medic will somewhat force him to notice your health and heal you. Afterwards, thank him and move on. Don’t demand him to heal you for the entire game and leave everyone else to die. I have been in games as a Medic when one person always demands me to be with them and as soon as I stop giving them health to help a burning Spy, he’ll yell at me for not giving him enough health. If you want the Medic to uber you, wait until he actually gets an uber first. No full healthed player should be priority over burning or injured teammates.

Don’t Blame your Team

Nothing is worse than telling your own team how crap they are. Not everyone has God-like powers and can do everything the way you want to; relax! Most of the time a team will do worse if they have someone yelling down their speakers at them than if they have someone encouraging them. You don’t need to be over the top about it, but saying things like “good job on taking down that sentry” can sometimes just make your team feel better about themselves, even if you lose!

Communication is Key

Of course, no team can be respectful or co-operative if they can’t speak to each other. Now, I’m not expecting everyone who plays online games to buy a microphone so you can share the many ‘wonderful‘ singing/raging talents you possess. If you don’t have or don’t want to use a mic, try to use voice commands instead. It’s very helpful to inform your team of Spies, or telling them of incoming ubers or attackers. Just don’t spam the commands; If you keep yelling ‘Incoming!’ or accuse everyone of being a Spy, your team will most likely not pay any attention to anything you say. The boy who cried wolf, ‘n’ that.

All you need to do is keep these simple tips in mind and you too can be the respectable, likeable citizen we all wish to be!

Now get out of my sight.

Day one – The journey begins

I find myself standing in the middle of the bridge on 2Fort with an oddly steely resolve. I want to be able to do this, and bask in the glee of a crit rocket storm as I fly through the air… Yet when I go for my first attempt at jumping onto the top deck, I find myself doing a tiny little bunny hop forwards at the Soldier screams in pain about the fact he’s just lost a large chunk of health. As far as I could tell, I was doing everything right – Point at feet, then fire and jump. I presumed it must have been bad timing, but the second I try and sort myself out for another go a nearby enemy soldier starts trying to blast me to bits. I panic, aiming at him directly and spamming the fire button. Of course, all the rockets miss. The end result is I’m defenseless, mindless for not whipping out the Shotgun… And lifeless. Hmm. This is tougher than I thought.

Day four – Not always in bits anymore

Some time has passed, and I find myself getting slightly better. Sure, some sentries still rip me apart like the idiotic piece of tissue paper I am, but at least all the kamikaze Pyros are blowing up the second they try and charge at me… This makes me feel immensely smug about myself, up until the point I realise killing an enemy who is running in a straight line isn’t exactly the most difficult of tasks. Still, other things are coming along nicely – I’ve finally realised aiming ahead of the enemy is the way to go, even if most of my rockets still miss due to phenomenally bad timing. I’ve even pulled off a few successful rocket jumps, even if the shock of succeeding sort of left me in awed dumbstruck wonder afterwards. So…

I’m getting better! Sort of.

Day nine – Wait, is this skilled Soldier play I’m pulling off?

It’s while I defend the fourth point on Well, watching people blow up into little tiny bits, that I suddenly realise something – I’m doing quite well. I know this because that Scout who runs up the staircase meets a perfectly timed rocket that was fired ahead of him. I also know this because my rocket jumps no longer see me stumble around like a fool, but instead see me flying gracefully like a swan. Admittedly, I’ve never seen a graceful swan firing rockets everywhere while screaming “MAGGOTS!” everywhere, but you get the idea. Granted, I still die once or twice and the point I’m trying to defend eventually falls, but no longer is this because I’m doing absolutely everything wrong. Indeed, like certain others, it occurs to me that I actually enjoy this method of blasting everything to pieces… The class starts to become part of my general lifestyle, as I wander round my house scaring the cat with random Soldier quotes, and then going on to read handy tips on how to get even better. It strikes me this inow isn’t something I’m doing just to ensure that I don’t have a class I’m truly weak with – I’m doing it because I’m having fun.

(Cheers to General Balls for the images)

Day fifteen – I am the crit bringer. Fear me.

So, to me, it felt like just another game on Granary. I decide to go Soldier, so I rocket jump up to the top of the crates as we fight for the centre point, and start to rain down fiery death on all those who dare to oppose me. I do this like I’ve been doing it all my life, and as we succeed with the capture, I fire one last rocket that crits with a perfect hit on a Pyro who had only just turned the corner and came into view. This goes on, and when my third domination on a player occurs someone actually makes a comment I’d thought I’d never hear – “Wow, you’re pretty good”. This only fuels my resolve. Level three sentry? Flank around, peek around the corner, blast it to bits. Heavy suddenly waaaay too close to me? See you later dude, I’m rocket jumping away. Oh, and have some painful explosions for your troubles. I don’t even flinch when the game suddenly enters sudden death, and I’m not even exaggerating when I say I take out 6 of the 8 opposing players. You could argue that the opposition was rubbish, or that I simply got lucky. That’s your opinion. Mine, though?

I’m not a trainee soldier anymore. I’m a fully-fledged killing machine, and I’m loving every minute of it.

Three to fire, one to last
Judge your timing for it to blast
Keep your aim both high and low
And your pride to make a show

When the round starts it’s good for spamming
When alone to die, just keep on standing
But just hear me out in all the rest
You might want to take this to the test 

Take a step around the corner
See the most deadly pair
Two or three make a job better
And pieces of medic fly through the air

And now with a heavy all alone
You just have to worry with the pyro that comes
If you had used four you would be owned
But you kept one to survive this ones

Juggle the pyro high to the air
And see him fade away
Live to fight and help your pairs
For I always say

Three to fire, one to last
Judge your timing for it to blast
Keep your aim both high and low
And your pride to make a show

Three take a heavy near its demise
One to jump and use the medikit wise
Three leave the sentry unprotected
One lets you distract the sniper allerted

A demoman’s a work
When he knows you are coming
Three to weaken the pork
One to dodge his weapon darling

Reload to the full I always say
It’s healthy and it makes you live the day
But as long as you have one you’ll be okay
It’s all a matter of making them pay

Three to fire, one to last
Judge your timing for it to blast
Keep your aim both high and low
And your pride to make a show

Finish a engy with the last
Or end a dispenser as it starts to lack
Kill the scout that has just gone past
Rocket jump away from the spy on your back
 
So listen up maggots to what I say
For I ain’t a old dead crow
Use your lancher to what it may
And your mind to your enemies own

Three to fire, one to last
Judge your timing for it to blast
Keep your aim both high and low
And your pride to make a show

Disclaimer: I do not claim to be a perfect nor a very good soldier; this poem is just a demonstration of a technique that I usually use that allows me both to survive and to contribute more to the game than usual. Comments and/or experiences of the same way of play are welcomed.

PS: This poem was written across a good stretch of hours and moods, so I apologize for the faulty and apparently incoherent rhythm. I assure you it has a following rhythm, I just have forgotten what it is.

Originally, I didn’t like Soldiers. In my opinion, they were meat shields. The bog-standard-average-joe class that wasn’t all that fun. They stalled the enemy while other classes did most of the heavy work that required just a inch more skill.

Before you start to throw the rotten tomatoes at me,  hear me out. The other day, I was in a match of CP Well. I picked a random team and got put on the short end of the stick; I was on RED, who were being heavily pounded for their second point. BLU had heavily defended the middle point; no way could I go Pyro, I’d be seen and shot by the sentries as soon as I walked out the door. So, I went Demoman.

One word: Ugh. What a horrible start. Whenever I tried to take out a sentry, an ubered Heavy or a sneaking Pyro would send me back to the resupply. I decided it was time to look at my options.

-Heavy? Nah. The enemy team had around 4 snipers, and the Heavies giant egg head would just be a bullet magnet.

-Medic? No. I like Medics, but our team already had around 2-3 already, with more people considering to use him. It’d just be too many.

-Sniper? Nada. I only get a decent round with the sniper when I get the ‘vibe’ so to speak.

-Spy? I swear, Murphy’s law applies whenever I play him.

-Engy? I wanted to be offensive and try to get the middle point back to us.

-Scout? Haha. No.

All that left, was the Soldier. One of the main reasons I didn’t like Soldiers was the slow speed of them. Without being able to successfully rocket jump (you can tell by this point I didn’t really play Soldier often). But this was when it all changed.

Someone gave me a little tip that jumping around a lot while firing makes you a much better Soldier. The quick answer? It works. The long one? The enemy rushed in through our doors, blood and control points on their mind; I wasn’t going to let them complete their objective and neither was the rest of my team. Pyros rushed in, their masks muffled, one the same bane who had caused me so much trouble as Demo, flamethrowers burning.

“Maggots!”

Boom. A blast. Splat. Body parts sprawled across the room like confetti. Boom. Another blast. More gibs to add to my growing collection. Haha! Get out my way! I had never had this great a run on TF2 for a good while. In the last few minues of the game I managed to scrape myself a new Soldier kill and kill assist record (that may not be much though, considering it was horrible before anyway). In the 30 hours I’ve played with the Demo, I nearly beat his kill record with the Soldier in just a few minutes. I was amazed. It was so incredible how just pressing the space bar (’A’ for all those Xbox 360ers out there) from time to time made such a huge difference to my performance.

Since that day, I’ve had a great respect for Soldiers; No longer am I ignorant of the power a Soldier wields. Hats off to you! Time for me to get out of your way to let you do the heavy* work.
*Not to be confused with the Heavy Weapons Guy.

Give ‘em hell, boys!

The Soldier, a deceptively versatile class, is not merely about running forward and spamming RPG’s at every corner. I’ve found that if you play the class like you play the Spy, you not only get more kills, you help your team more. I, personally, put in 70 straight hours in the ‘gentlmen’-ly Spy before even looking at the loud-mouthed permanently-pissed-off Soldier. The first thing that turned me on to this class was in fact a professional. This incredibly skilled man was none other than Reptile of the CEVO team Pandemic.

I watched his (I highly suggest downloading the high definition version.) , and like a child I was instantly fascinated with the intricacies of the class. I ignored my delightfully evil #9 character for my next 40 hours of play, in exchange for the rocket-propelled-grenade wielding crazy man. Now, with only 40 hours in, I do not claim to be the best, far from it. But I do claim to play the class differently than most.

The spy, as you know, is a thinking man’s game. At first as a Soldier I was surprised by the amount of times I would win a confrontation. As Spy, if you were seen you were dead, no matter how awesome your revolver-play was. (of course, there are exceptions with more skilled spies.) What I’ve decided to do is play my soldier as if I were still a Spy.

This promotes attacking from incredibly unusual angles, and rocket-jumping far more

The rocket jump isn’t just used for getting on top of point C on gravel pit, people! Always be thinking and moving. If you’re running straight at a Pyro, and he’s running straight at you, throw a rocket jump in there! You’ll go flying over his head, and you have a chance to reign death from above. Not only is the Pyro suddenly disoriented (”Holy crap, where’d the Soldier go?”) but he is open for attack with any of your three weapons.

Don’t be obvious. Ever

If you’re familiar with boxing (or any type of fighting really) you’ll know what I’m talking about. Don’t telegraph your moves. The lesson here is never be predictable. Lie, cheat, steal, do whatever necessary to make sure that your enemy never-ever-ever knows what you’re gonna do next. In situations where people expect you to use your rockets, pull out your shotgun, if they want you to use your shotgun, use your shovel. If they want you to use your shovel.. well.. use your shotgun. Self-damage is a no-no. If they expect you to go left, go right, or better yet, go up!

Mad skillz, yo

With the Soldier skill is the most important trait. With Reptile you see it with the twitch reflexes. The airshots. If you kill anyone who comes within two servers of you, it doesn’t matter if you protect your medic good enough, or if the rest of your team doesn’t know the difference between a medic and a sentry gun. You’re just able to dominate. This is where practice comes in. Those twitch airshots, and the ability to juggle anyone you want comes from hours and hours and hours of practice. There is no other way to get these skills. BUT. You can speed this process up by doing a couple things.

1. Play tr_airshot until your eyes bleed, and you have carpal tunnel.
2. Play any dm map you can find until your eyes bleed etc, etc.

These two things alone will improve your soldier play immensely.

I hope these few tips helped you at least a little bit, and I hope you get addicted to the Soldier just like I did.

Last one alive, lock the door!

And another big welcome to newbie ubercharger atra – with an interesting approach to soldier play – madlep