-The community contributors who have been the basis to this series and provided valuable information to the community.

-Robin Walker and the TF2 Team for their incredible support through the blog and emails about recruitment (this was prior to the blog post, thanks guys!).

-The Official Team Fortress Wiki for providing reference material and pictures.

-Pilk and Swizzle, for posting on various community forums to recruit contributors I couldn’t get in touch with.

-And you guys, the readers. Without your support this series wouldn’t have got as far as it has, and hopefully you’ll continue to enjoy the next instalments.

That’s everything, so without further ado, here is the latest interview for your viewing pleasure.

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In this instalment of How It’s Done, I have interviewed Swizzle, the creator of the Pain Train. The Pain Train was unveiled in the first wave of community contributed weapons, unique for its capture rate-affecting ability.

How did you get into Modelling?

Swizzle: My first exposure to 3D modeling was in about 2000. My sister’s then-boyfriend showed me his copy of Bryce 3D, and it piqued my interest. Before that, I thought that only movie studios could do the things that I suddenly had access to. I didn’t get serious about 3D until about five years ago when I discovered CGTalk and other computer graphics forums online. After that, I got more and more into practicing and getting involved in the community. This is how I eventually ended up stumbling onto Polycount. I’d heard of Polycount through people on CGTalk, and even visited there a few times, but I didn’t really start participating for another year or two. I mostly lurked and learned from all the amazing stuff I saw constantly posted there.

What software packages/tools do you use?

Swizzle: I use Modo and Mudbox for the 3D stage of things and Photoshop for texturing. I’d like to stress, just as Larolaro did, that the tools aren’t important. A lot of people ask what the best tool to use is, and the only answer to that comes via your own practice and experience. I’ve seen people make amazing things with every 3D package out there, so you’re really only limited by your skills and your imagination. Just like in more traditional media such as pen and paper, paint or clay, it all comes down to familiarity with your tools and how you use them, but not the tools themselves.

Roughly how long did the entire process of creating the Pain Train take, from idea to finalization?

Swizzle: I’d had the initial idea for quite a while, and I’d even tried my hand at making the model a couple of times before, but I didn’t really make something I was satisfied with until I sat down for an hour or so and doodled on paper to come up with a good design. From there, it was a few hours modeling (and refining the model) and then a couple more for texturing. Getting it into the engine was a massive pain, though, especially since (at the time) I was unfamiliar with the process used to import models into Source. The initial import process took about two days to get right, and I promptly forgot everything because my personal life got in the way.

When designing the Pain Train, did you ever have any idea about what attributes it would have, or did you know not to design it with them in mind?

Swizzle: When I first designed and modeled the Pain Train, it was actually about a year before the contribution system had even been announced, so I was actually only interested in making something that looked cool and tought me the basics of working with weapon models in Source. After I learned about the contribution system, I went ahead and submitted it, but I decided that I probably couldn’t come up with something better than Valve. Thus, I only submitted it with a short note saying I thought it would probably work well as a demo/soldier weapon and left it at that.

Do you think Valve handled your submission well? The Pain Train, being the only capture rate affecting item, is a unique addition and an asset in a Soldier or Demoman’s arsenal.

Swizzle: Personally, I think Valve handled it fantastically. They came up with a unique gameplay mechanic (that I know hadn’t even crossed my mind before I heard about it) and I’m glad it’s actually a viable weapon to use in a variety of situations. That said, I do wish they’d add some attribute that would make it useful in modes like Capture the Flag.

Would you have liked to have had more influence on how the Pain Train turned out, had you know it was going to be included?

Swizzle: While I do have a streak of perfectionism running through me, I can’t think of any way that I could have helped beyond the modeling/texturing side of things. I don’t have access to all the information and statistics that Valve collects on player habits, so I wouldn’t have been able to make a useful contribution to the gameplay design process. I think the only thing I would’ve changed about the process of getting the Pain Train in the game is actually getting a notification from somebody at Valve, or even an automated system, that said “Hey, congratulations. The Pain Train made it in!”. The only way I learned that my item had been included in the first community update was through a message from a friend on a forum I frequent, since I didn’t have access to the game at the time.

What resources can you recommend for somebody trying to get into modelling, or wanting to model in the TF2 style?

Swizzle: I would recommend to anybody interested in modeling that they get some 3D package RIGHT NOW and start playing with it. Blender is a high quality, free 3D package that’s made a lot of big strides in the past year or so, especially in regards to usability, so it’s good for people just starting out. If Blender turns out to not be your thing, try out demo versions of other software. As I said before, it’s the artist and their skills that matter, not the tools. Beyond 3D packages, though, I’d suggest drawing and sculpting using traditional media. With artistic skill in place, 3D is nothing more than learning a new set of tools to make art with. As for working in the TF2 style, I’d recommend simply taking the time to load up some levels in TF2 and walk around looking at everything. Observation is key to any sort of art, so learning what goes into the artistic style of TF2 is paramount to making something that looks like it belongs. If somebody is really committed to making something good, start posting work on forums like CGTalk, Polycount, Game-Artist.net, GameArtisans.org, the TF2Maps.net forums and anywhere else they can find. Feedback and critiques are key to developing your skills, so go to those places to get help.

If there was one key tip you could pass on to someone trying to model or texture in the TF2 style, what would it be?

Swizzle: The silhouette is king. If your item, hat, weapon, character, model or map doesn’t read well with just large shapes and no inner detail, you need to work on it further. Valve designed the characters and items in TF2 to be read from a distance, and that all goes out the window with poor planning. Good planning leads to good designs, and the best designs read well from a distance. This is because reading those silhouettes is crucial to gameplay. Lighting conditions, angles and movements change in-game, but the only thing that doesn’t is the overall silhouette of an item. If you can tell what it is from just the silhouette, you’ve done something right.

Is there any interesting trivia you can share about the Pain Train at all?

Swizzle: Well, the stuff in the TF2 wiki about it being the discarded handle of an Axtinguisher and the name coming from a line delivered by a horribly drunken demoman are both ideas completely coined by people in the community. I think that’s pretty funny, but very creative.

What is it exactly, just to set the record straight: Just a makeshift handle with a railroad spike through it?

Swizzle: It’s exactly what it looks like. A big ol’ stick with a big ol’ spike. There’s another thing that aspiring weapon designers should take note of; it’s an extremely simple idea. Simplicity is a key element of a good design.

Do you think the Polycount contest was a good idea on Valve’s part, and do you think it’s possible a second one or something similiar could happen?

Swizzle: I think it was a great idea, and I hope they have other contests like it in the future. The Artpass contest over at TF2Maps is a good example. I hope other game companies take a hint and get their respective communities involved into the process of making games. As for the possibility of more of them happening, I think it’s just inevitable.

Was ‘The Pain Train’ the weapon’s original name, or something Valve conjured up?

Swizzle: I actually submitted it as the Pain Train. I’m completely convinced, though, that the note I included with the submission was the only thing that led them to keeping the name. It said, simply, “The Pain Train’s a-comin! Woo woo!”

Thanks for the interview.

Swizzle: It was a pleasure.

Lessons Learnt:

-The tools used by others are not the most important thing, so much as how well you can familiarize yourself with them. Experiment with various software and find what’s right for you.
-Visit a wide variety of sites and resources to look at other people’s projects, find guides and recieve critique for your own work.
-View your model as a silhouette and apply it to existing class silhouettes. This will help you see whether it can easily be identified at a distance, like a lot of Valve’s weapons.

…and there’s the knowledge behind the Pain Train. Join us next time for a slightly different topic, as we dive into mapmaking and interview Icarus, the creator of Coldfront.

Firstly, how did you get into Modelling?

Larolaro: Well, for the past 4-5 years I’ve been working as a freelance illustrator (http://larolaro.blogspot.com) and at the same time I’ve always had a lingering curiosity for games and what-not, so I started to dabble in modelling. It was a straight up nightmare at first, as I found it very difficult to learn by myself, so the extent of my knowledge comes from 4 years of tedious un-knowing button clicking, haha. 2D and 3D really are two opposite sides of the same coin but eventually I got the hang of it… Sort of. Now, to be honest, I’m never going back. Being a digital artist moving onto 3D really gives me a plethora of new options to realize my ideas.

You initially designed the Homewrecker. How long did the Homewrecker, from idea to realization, roughly take?

Larolaro: I created the homewrecker roughly a year before I submitted it to valve through their contribute page. So, embarrassingly, the homewrecker was just a bit of tooling-around practice, as I just did it for fun and never intended for it to be a serious submission. The concept took me 5 minutes and the model and texture was complete in about 2 hours. However, the compiling and such took an age, the source engine really isn’t noob-friendly. I see the source engine as a beautiful ornate chair with a spike carved into the seat; It looks great, it’s solid and it will last for a long time, it’s just a pain in the ass to use.

What software packages do you use? Previous contributors have said that the paid stuff (like 3DSMax) is the best, but you can do just as well sometimes with freeware.

Larolaro: Oddly enough I get this question alot from random people on steam, and I never answer the question because if I did I would giving the impression that it matters which one to use. I’m sorry to burst any bubbles and such but unfortunately there really isnt a magic button to make 3D, as it’s difficult to learn 3D no matter what program you use. The program is just a tool for a similar result; just pick one that looks good and use it and if it doesn’t work out too well for you, you will naturally move onto a different program anyway. So my advice would be, try them all and pick what feels right for you.

The Homewrecker was originally an Axe/Axtinguisher skin (back when it was called Mr. Sledge), but upon submission did you ever think about what attributes it could have had? Some people think this is necessary, despite this not being the case.

Larolaro: Well, I have a lot of respect for the way valve do their thing, so I just left it to them, I had nothing in mind to be honest. I don’t manage a hugely successful online multiplayer game, so I don’t have any right to say what’s what because I really don’t know the amount of implications a game mechanic might have.

Do you think that Valve handled your submission well? The Homewrecker was initially a choice alternative for quick building destruction, but with the addition of the ability to damage Sappers it suddenly became a used and viable option for Pyros. And would you have liked to have had more influence on these modifications?

Larolaro: I really think they did great with the homewrecker, I was even happy with it before the sapper-removing stat, albeit it being a whisper of a weapon. The homewrecker was one of the first community weapons to be added into TF2, and it was new ground they are walking on, so I figured they would possibly weaken its impact on TF2’s gameplay.

When someone’s trying to get into modelling, can you offer any resources or tips you found helpful?

Larolaro: Well, I didn’t use many tutorials when I was learning so I don’t have any resources to offer. For learning 3D, my advice would be just stick at it, don’t give up and practice, practice, practice! It’s a decade long battle with a wall of scary buttons, so if you don’t suck it up and focus you’ll go crazy.

Do you think you learned much, if anything, from modelling for TF2?

Larolaro: Well, I’ve played and admired TF2 from the start, having clocked 1000+ hours in it. It really is a massive inspiration to me, modelling this and that for TF2 has really helped me on the way to becoming “industry” ready, if you know what I mean. It’s a huge compliment from valve to give the homewrecker and Tankbuster pack their professional blessing.

When you decided to enter the Polycount contest, did you have a clear image of the class/weapons you wanted to do, or was it a much more gradual and developmental process?

Larolaro: For the 5 weeks we had to do the contest, it took me a week to gather up the courage to even start. I really didn’t think I would have a chance of winning so I very almost didn’t enter, But I thought I might as well do it for some good old practice. So 1 week in I started a WWII Survival Theme (Check it out here). This involved a rucksack, a survival knife (See it here) and a scrim camo helmet. After 3 weeks I started to get a lot of criticism and my theme started to fall apart so I scrapped it entirely. I wanted to pursue an entry that went smoothly and people enjoyed, so I came up with a tangent off my original idea and this is when I came up with the Tankbuster Pack. I started my Tank Buster pack from scratch with only 10 days left of the contest. This meant I had 5 items to concept, model, texture and compile with 2 days each. It was total chaos and I really didn’t sleep very well for those 10 days, haha, but I learnt a lot and eventually got picked as a winner, so it was totally worth it.

Are there any other packs that you particularly liked in the Polycount contest? Valve have said that just under half of the entries were of a good enough quality for submission, so there will be more community items to come from the contest regardless of the main winners.

Larolaro: I enjoyed a lot of the entries in the contest, and it’s a shame only 5 won the contest, but I can understand coming up with game mechanics and balancing 12 weapons really is enough for one update. Some of the entries that caught my eye from the start were Nrek’s (Croc-O-Style), Progg’s (Gas Man), Both of Swizzle’s entries (Expert’s Ordnance Pack and Field Medic’s Tool Kit), Gerre’s (Hillbilly Pack) and Pierate’s (Medievil pack).

If there was another Polycount contest or something of that ilk, would you participate given the chance?

Larolaro: I have no doubt in my mind that Valve will do something similiar in the future, given the popularity and quality of the entries in the contest. In fact, I’d be surprised if they didn’t do something. And when that happens, I may have to take another shot at it, with a hopefully larger timeframe than what I had to do my entry in.

Lessons Learnt:
- Keep practising as much as possible. Remember, getting good is not a quick process, and needs time investment.
- Be sure to consider your ideas thoroughly first, and be ready to abandon projects if they become boring and are clearly not going anywhere.
- Once again, experiment with as many different softwares as you can until you find the one that suits you best. There is no definitive ‘best’, so it’s up to your tastes and working style to determine yours.

…and there is the lowdown behind one of the more successful modelling achievements in TF2.

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Now, this is where I reach out to you, the reader. If you are an estabilished TF2 contributor (this includes maps), are interested in an interview, or know one who would be happy to have one published here, then please try to contact me here in the comments, on the UC forums, or at the Official Team Fortress Wiki. I’d like to make this series last as long as possible as I’ve recieved such positive feedback and so much useful information for aspiring 3D artists has come out of it, as well as revealing info to keep non-modellers amused and interested. Thanks for all the support, and hopefully expect more in the near future.

Every unlockable weapon has to have a drawback, even if it’s just an artificial drawback like the “reduced damage” on the Axtinguisher. Bar a few weapons (which will go unmentioned), there must be a reason you’d want to use the original weapon apart from aesthetic and fun, otherwise the unlockable isn’t really an alternative.

Most commonly, the drawback is lack of access to the original weapon, with over 10 items carrying this effect, i.e. you trade a weapon for another completely different one, such as the Sandvich.
After that, Valve most often uses a “lost ability” status and reduced damage, followed by health penalty and slower firing rate (see KGB).

This author, however, would like to make a statement. You see, things such as health, speed, and damage dealt are what I like to call “passive” weapon statistics. They’re not in your control, and giving a class a buff without really requiring the player to do anything isn’t very interesting.
This not only makes them a little boring to start with, but also requires no input on the part of the player as far as the benefit/drawback goes. Giving the heavy, say, a speed boost to 350 units at the cost of some health is just a stats change, and while I don’t disapprove of a G.R.U.E. style unlock, where you can go with these kinds of unlocks are limited at best. Sure, it’s a different skillset when the numbers matter, but TF2 isn’t an MMO. Or at least, not yet, anyway.

All that said, here are the few drawbacks to a weapons bonus that I think deserve a little attention.

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Ammo count

Ah yes, ammo. Two weapons currently feature this, the Force-a-Nature (although it doesn’t really count), and the Frontier Justice.

Ammo management is an important aspect of the Soldier, and to a lesser extent, the Heavy, Demoman and Scout. Knowing how many rockets you have left in the clip is a pretty important aspect of any competent Soldier, seeing as he has limited killing ability after expending them all, and he cannot run around/away like a little bunny while reloading.

Ammo management, however, isn’t quite something that’s on the mind of many other classes such as the Sniper and Pyro. Introducing such a thing into a weapon would certainly go a way towards what I believe is a new skill set.

For example: What if the Heavy had a weapon (we’ll call her “Ludmila“), that increased the Heavy’s base run speed to 280 units, but he has to reload a new chain belt every 40 shots? Bar the animation budget, it would certainly be more interesting to see how this plays out. Plus, no random crits.

And actually, that ties in directly to my next point…

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Reload time

Ah yes, again the thing that mainly the Soldier (and Demoman) have to take into account. 6 of the unlocks don’t even have these (discounting “cocking”), but a gun with a decent reload time also takes management skills.

But forget purely reload time for a second. TF2 itself allows you to interrupt any and all your reloads to continue firing the remainder of your clip. What if, and I stress if, you had a weapon that COULDN’T be interrupted in the middle of reloading?

This idea came to me while watching Pistol Frenzy 2; a traditional reload where you’d have to get an appropriate time to reload when combined with a substantial reload time.
For instance, say we get a shotgun with an 8 shell revolver-style magazine. It does a base damage of only 50, and you can’t interrupt the reload, but the reload time is the same as 4 shells on a normal shotgun. You’d have more ammo to work with, but you’d also have to watch out because you can’t pull a round or two out while reloading, and it makes you think more about combat readiness. Also, no random crits.

Now before all the jarheads come in with their CS:S comparisons, hear me out. Consider how it would add to a certain weapon’s drawback: you’d have to be paying attention to your ammo, and pick an appropriate time to reload, such as in the company of teammates or when you’re sure no one can get to you before you finish. I think it would be a decent drawback compared to, say, no random crits, albeit a little boring.

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Reserve ammo

A subtopic of Limited Ammo Count, this looks into the ammo you can spare on the battlefield.

TF2 in it’s original form, as well as TFC, used to give you a bucketload of ammo to go crazy on. Soldiers and Demos used to have tons of ammo for their main weapons back in the day, and now ammo management is more important as the game changed.

Remnants of these days are still present in TF2 with weapons where your current ammo isn’t too much of a hassle. This includes all shotguns, the sniper rifle, the syringe gun, all sentries, the minigun (think about how 200 ammo was considered “a small amount” by the development team), and the flamethrower, although the compression blast reduces this somewhat.
Most notably, think about how the Engineer has 200 spare 9mm bullets, and goddamn, even with the autopistol that’s a crazy amount.

Valve has taken a look into this with unlockables already; the huntsman gives you (somewhat) limited ammo, as does the flare gun (although 16 flares is still quite a lot for it’s firing rate). I do think that limited ammo can make an interesting drawback, and to heck with Engineers complaining about their metal.

Regardless, it’s not something that can stand up as a drawback by itself. A shotgun that, say, deals 100 base damage with only 10 extra shots would be a pretty devastating weapon, and would encourage suicide runs anyway, even if it had no random crits.

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Anyway, hopefully I’ve been able to provide some insight into these weapon design ideas as far as ammunition ideas go. Ignoring “brand new weapons,” feel free to throw in any ideas you may have as far as stat changes and new design goes. And who knows, if they’re good, I’d be so inclined to ask permission to put them on the front page.

As a concluding point, as much as I’ve said stats don’t usually make for the most fun weapons, I am putting together some ideas for what would make more interesting weapon advantages.

Something I’ve noticed is Valve’s plentiful use of crits, and as of late, mini crits, in their weapon designs. But, like I said, the amount of damage you pump out (while being an important part of gameplay) is a boring design to put into weapons as an advantage, even in the form of crits (for example, the direct hit).

So, in the next post, expect a few different ideas for advantages that don’t simply ditch the set weapon designs themselves. Not plain unlockable ideas, but ideas that can be part of an unlockable. Thank you, and good night.

Where? – Whereabouts on the map the jump is. Accompanied by a fancy taunt.

Who? – Which classes can get up there. Most will be confined to Soldier/Demoman, but the odd jump will be available to Scouts, and on rare occasion, everyone. I haven’t had practice with the Wrangler and sentry jumping yet, so go ahead and try these jumps with your sentry gun. I can’t promise anything.

How? – The nitty-gritty of the jump. I’ll explain how to get where I got. The screenshots show where to place your stickies. Unless otherwise stated, a rocket jump from the same place should work as well.

Why? – Accompanied by a screenshot of the view, and suggestions on how to use the position.

This article focuses entirely on Badwater.

Position 1

Where? – White pipe just past the first point.

Who? – Soldier and Demoman

How? – There are two ways to do this with both classes, but Demoman has a much easier time of getting up there. Firstly, you can lay a sticky at the bottom of the pipe and do a standard sticky jump up to the top, however, this is quite tricky to pull off, as if you don’t have the right angle, you will just fall straight back down. Easier is to place a sticky on the corner of the “shelter” where Engineers often build. Take a look at this screenshot and you’ll see what I mean.Then just do a standard sticky jump from there, making sure to get some distance as well as height.

As a Soldier, this jump can be quite tricky. You have to either do a wall jump, or airstrafe. If you choose to airstrafe, do it from a similar position to the above sticky, and it should be easy to get onto the pipe. If you can’t airstrafe, don’t worry! Stand at the bottom of the pipe, do a normal high rocket jump, making sure to hold forwards, crouch, and keep your rocket launcher at the same angle. Then once you hit the peak of your jump, while still holding forwards and crouch, shoot another rocket into the corner. This will give you extra height and get you on top of the pipe. If you do this, however, you’ll use a lot of health, so consider the Gunboats, and make sure to ask for an overheal from any nearby Medics.

Why? – It’s out of the way, and since you’re high up, a lot of classes will have a difficult time hurting you, due to damage falloff, spread, and arcs. The view is surprisingly wide (see screenshot below), and it’s a good place to rain down explosives from, catching those who are unsuspectingly pushing the cart. Once you’re done, jumping down will cost a lot of health. To help reduce this, there’s a billboard with a big A on it. You can actually land on top of this billboard then jump the rest of the way. It won’t stop you taking fall damage altogether, but it might mean the difference between life and death. Unfortunately, you’re in full view of one of BLU’s exits, so if you’re on RED, you’re in danger of being sniped. Consider using this as a quick ambush then moving on.

Position 2

Where? - Around the corner from the first point. On the roof of the alcove, just before the push to second point.

Who? – Soldier and Demoman

How? – This jump is surprisingly simple, although it has one caveat. The area you can stand on this roof is a very small rectangle close to the corner. To get onto the roof, you have to make sure you’re as close to where it meets the other building as possible, otherwise you will hit an invisible wall and fall. To get up there, simply sticky or rocket jump from this spot.

If you’re a Demoman, you should get more than enough height to land on the roof. If you’re a Soldier, you need to practise getting close to the corner. After a few tries, you’ll learn what does and doesn’t work. Although I recommend it for all jumps, for this one in particular, it’s helpful to create your own local server and just practise.

Why? – It’s a very strong defensive position. You have just enough manoeuvrability to walk backwards a little and duck, giving you pretty good cover. When you’re not taking cover, you can shoot rockets or stickies down to defend the chokepoint, and when the cart moves past you, drop down and attack from the rear. Your view of the chokepoint is amazing, and there’s very little chance of being sniped:

Position 3

Where? – The pipe attached to the wall of the building next to point 2.

Who? – Soldier, Demoman

How? – This one’s just a simple hop up there. Standard rocket or sticky jump, just make sure not to overshoot. Approaching from the side is easier, just be careful not to overshoot.

Why? – A simple ambush. You have a clear view of the opposite entrance, and people coming from the other will tend to just walk straight past you. You’re pretty much on top of the small health pack, so you can guarantee some enemies will come your way, especially if you have a Pyro working his magic down on the ground. This is also somewhere from which to destroy any teleports placed out of reach on top of the vent.

Position 4

Where? – The pipe by the entrance to the small building just after point 2.

Who? – Everyone but Heavy.

How? – Two different methods. Playing anything but Soldier, simply jump onto what I have dubbed the “reactor thingy” pictured below. From there it’s a simple crouchjump to the pipe for most classes. Soldier is too slow to get across, so if you’re playing a Soldier, just do a short rocket jump onto the pipe instead.

Why? – Again, a simple ambush. People rarely look up, so laying in wait above them, then dropping down and stabbing their juicy exposed backs (Razorback notwithstanding) or blowing them up or setting them on fire or… well, you get the picture. Basically, ambushes are great.

So, this article has shown you four fun places to try standing next time you play Badwater. Discovering places like these is great fun. I encourage you all to create a local server and go exploring. You never know what you might find.

I’d never given the Direct Hit much a chance. Like other players, I found it to be inferior to the Rocket Launcher. The last time I used this weapon, I was not pleased. I couldn’t hit the broad side of a Heavy, and he only has broad sides. The whole ordeal was a waste of time and I even crafted away my Direct Hit, and I never craft anything unless I have duplicates. I eventually did find another Direct Hit later on through the random drop system, but had never planned on using it again.

Until now that is. I gave the Direct Hit another shot, but I found it to be oddly weak at range, even when directly striking the target. So I headed down to the ol’ training grounds of tr_walkway and did a bit of practice and I’ll say right now, that was one of the best times I had training. During the next real game I played, I was much better at fighting than before, and while I still had trouble with some enemies, I had learned some things that I think will help others interested in using the Direct Hit.

The Specs

Let’s start by looking at the Direct Hit when compared to the Rocket Launcher. The rockets fired by the Direct Hit move 80% faster and deal 25% more damage; the drawback is that the splash radius is 70% smaller. For those of you who like to air juggle with rockets, hitting an enemy that you launched into the air with another rocket will result in a mini-crit. The Direct Hit trades splash damage for more speed and power.

Hitting Hard, Hitting Fast

That added 25% damage makes the Direct Hit a force to be reckoned with. At close range it can one-hit kill Scouts, Engineers, Snipers and Spies while leaving all other classes besides Heavies extremely damaged. Successful juggle combos (blast into air + mini-crit rocket) are even deadlier, as the mini-crit will do 151 damage; enough to kill a non-overhealed Medic in one shot. The Direct Hit also deals the most damage with a critical hit, dealing over 300 points of damage; enough to kill all but overhealed Heavies. If have good aim, a well used Kritzkrieg can leave the enemy team in shambles.

The average destructon of a successful Direct Hit

Ok, not really.

The Direct Hit can make you the bane of Engineers everywhere, as two rockets will destroy any Engineer building no matter the level. Use the quick speed of your rockets and the extra damage to destroy sentries from out of range, the quick speed of the rockets can easily destroy it before the Engineer notices (if he is not constantly repairing it of course) or is away from his equipment. The lack of splash area means you will likely only be able to hit one thing at a time, so make sure to take down the most critical components first.

Juggling / Airshots

Juggling enemies in the air is what the Direct Hit was made for. Successful juggles will grant mini-crit damage, and this weapon already packs a punch as is. Juggling is the term for launching an enemy into the air, then hitting them while they are still in the air and unable to avoid the attack (unless they’re Scouts of course).

The basic premise to this tactic is simple: you need to hit your targets feet so that they will pop up into the air, and then hit them again during the flight. Easier said than done I’m afraid. While the quick speed and power offer a good launch, the small explosion radius makes it difficult to hit your targets, especially if they are jumping around quickly. If they are jumping, try to aim for where they are going to land, so they have less chance of jumping over your next rocket.

Airshotting enemies you’ve juggled is a great feeling

The quickness of the rockets makes it easier to hit your target before they hit the ground, but you must be able to predict when your rocket will reach them. When practicing airshots at medium range, I found that aiming at their legs while they were at the peak of their flight would almost always result in hit. Where you aim for the second shot depends on range of course, aim higher for closer targets and lower for targets that are farther away.

Common Challenges

There are a few challenges you often encounter when learning to use the Direct Hit, firstly is the annoying speedster himself, the Scout. Trying to fight a Scout with the Direct Hit can be a pain. He’s fast, his double jump makes him very evasive and he is very powerful up close. Unless you know you can hit his feet, try not to go for setting him up for an airshot; his double jump and speed make him really difficult to juggle unless you catch him on his landing. If you have too much trouble hitting the little twerp, try to get him when he runs up close, or switch to a different weapon.

Pyros, while not as big of a threat to you as the Scout is, can still be annoying if they know what they are doing when it comes to reflecting projectiles. While your rockets are harder to reflect with their speed, they are harder for you to dodge if reflected because of your slow movement. What makes it even worse is that the reflected rocket will be a mini-crit, and will put a massive hurt on you or your teammates if hit.

The last challenge you need to overcome is the biggest, the reduced splash radius. There have been times where I will fire my rockets and they would explode inches from the enemy leaving them undamaged and unfazed. It was as if to them that rocket was a gust of air or someone sneezing. So when it comes to the Direct Hit, aiming is everything.

Let me remind you readers that I’m not a master with the Direct Hit and I’m definatly not an expert Solider. I’m a person who is new to using the Direct Hit and feel that I can pass on some of the things I learned in my experience so far with this weapon and hope that it can help others who may wish to learn to use it as well. Now get out there and kill some maggots!

Quick update: The creator has uploaded a comparison reel, for those who didn’t see the original trailer or who just wanted to be even more blown away by the shot-for-shot accuracy.

Some of the tools of war from those times long since passed survive in the current incarnation of this never ending war. And using these tools, we here at ubercharged.net labs have recreated the war as it was hundreds of years ago. We have recreated…

MEDIEVAL FORTRESS 2

Medieval Fortress 2 is an update of a classic mod found on ubercharged.net Server 1. This update is a complete rework of the plugin, and includes TARGELANDER DEMOS and EQUALIZER SOLDIERS.

“But DPErny, what IS Medieval Fortress 2? I’ve never heard of it.”

Medieval Fortress 2 is what it says on the cover: it’s a Sourcemod plugin that creates a Medieval theme in Team Fortress 2.

THE STORY
Europe was a bloody, gory place since the fall of the Roman empire. For centuries, feudal states grabbed for whatever partition of the former empire that they could. Rulers, sometimes fair, sometimes tyrants, came and went. Then, word of a new king spread. A powerful, wise ruler known as King Manne was fighting to unite the world under his rule. He succeeded in uniting most of Europe, and then ceased his conquest to manage the empire he had accrued. During this rule, there was a time of great peace and many hats.

But then, King Manne fell ill. He no longer had the strength to run his kingdom. He left the day to day running of the Kingdom to his most trusted aide, Saxtonnious Hale. But Saxtonnious could not run it either, not without the guidance and wisdom of King Manne. The land began to fall apart.

Now, King Manne had two handsome, dashing sons. Blutonious and Lord Redwall, as they were called, were fiercely competitive. Each was always trying to outdo the other. When their father fell ill, Blutonious and Redwall each felt that they were entitled to the throne. One can only imagine their anger when Saxtonious was put into power. But Blutonious and Lord Redwall were not stupid. They watched as their father’s kingdom fell to ruin. Blutonious fled to the lands in the east, and Redwall went west. Each began amassing an army of supporters from their father’s former force.

Then, one day, the conflict finally erupted. Blutonious and Redwall each declared their land a sovereign state, named Blubaria and Redland respectively. Great battles were fought in the name of these two powers, and the very planet shook under the conflict.

THE CLASSES

The Archer

Ye Olde Kindom of Manne spared no expense when selecting its Archers. The most talented marksmen in the land were much prized during the great fissure; Redwall and Blutnoius each scrambled to win the favor of the kingdom’s Archers, knowing how important they’d be in the later battles. The Archers were often taught the then fledgling art of Jarate, a method of defence conceived by those strange peoples of the Far East. While most fierce with a bow in hand, Archers are a formidable warrior with a blade as well.

The Knight

No medieval war would be complete without knights, but these were far from chivalrous. These fierce warriors from the land of the Scotts were a force to be reckoned with. Hardened in battle and wielding cursed swords of unimaginable power, the Knights make up the backbone of any assault. They had been known to charge at their foes with reckless abandon, shouting a bloodcurdling battle cry. These fearsome Scottsmen are widely known for their lethal decapitations.

The Berserker

Tales were told of fearsome warriors from the Scandinavian regions that were but ordinary miners in times of peace. When times of war dawn, however, they were far from peaceful. These men revel in pain, and fight to the death without retreat. Travelers from the northern regions say that these Berserkers fight more fiercely as they sustain wounds, and that the most heavily wounded often take down foes with one swing of their mighty pickaxe. Berserkers occasionally carry in to battle a horn of war, which they blow to rally their fellows into the same frenzy.

The Bear

These strange men from cold regions to the east were as strong as they were stupid. Discovered by the Mannish traders, these hulking brutes knew no weapons. They fought with their bare hands alone, crushing their foes with but a swing of a mighty fist. The harsh landscape of Siberia trained them to withstand punishment far beyond that of a normal warrior. They also brought with them from their native lands a culinary dish with amazing medicinal properties. This meal of bread, meat, and vegtables serves to heal the brutes should they sustain damage. They have also been known to lend it to ailing comrades in times of great need.

The field of battle

Currently, the known battles of Medieval Fortress were fought at the castle Redfort. This tall structure, on the border between Redland and Blubaria, was held fiercely by the Redlandians. The Blubarians, attacking from a cave just outside of the castle, stormmed the gates and fought their way through the castle.

The Real Story

Medieval Fortress came about of the first time during the summer of 2009. After a rousing game of shenanigans, I decided that it was time to learn Sourcemod, and bringing Medieval Fortress to the non-administrated masses would be an excellent project. I began working on Medieval Fortress immediately.

I started my adventures in Sourcemod by reading the AlliedModder’s Wiki, and by reading Sirot’s Zombie Fortress plugin. These two sources helped me tremendously, and before long I was making headway on Medieval Fortress. Despite numerous bugs, glitches, and setbacks, I managed to choke out a working version of the plugin I intended. The final product was terribly unorganised, completely unoptimized, and it barely passed AlliedModders aproval, but it worked. About a month after the original Medieval Fortress had been put on, the new plugin was on Server 1.

Medieval Fortress was an instant success. It was played often, and for a while it was hard to get into a game that was hosting Medieval Fortress. Most of the server population loved it. Soon, however, after the fun had worn off, Medieval Fortress was taken off rotation and forgotten.

Fast forward to December of 2009, and the Demo vs Soldier update. As soon as the public caught glimpse of the Eyelander, the forums were alight with people asking for Medieval Fortress to get an update. People who had never heard of my plugin were demanding it. Several threads cropped up on the Steam Forums asking for someone to make a medieval game mode. Interest in the subject soared. I stepped back and analyzed the situation; people demanded it, I would provide. Before the update had even been released, I began work on Medieval Fortress 2.

This time around, I was more experienced in Sourcemod, and I could recognise the disaster that was my first plugin. Considering this, I decided that Medieval Fortress 2 would be a complete recode. I rebuilt my entire plugin from the ground up, starting with nothing but a blank notepad screen. When a problem arose, I asked for help. Before the end of December, Medieval Fortress 2 was ready for release. It was put up on Server 1, and playtesting helped me to iron out the one major bug in the programming.

And, now, two months after the completion of Medieval Fortress, I am ready to release it to the public at large. The source code, the program, everything that a server operator needs to host Medieval Fortress is available right now. What’s more, so long as even 1 server operator hosts Medieval Fortress, I will continue to keep it up-to-date and ready for more challenges. As time goes by, I will release more features, and the bare-bones plugin you see today will be a far more in depth game mode.

The Technical Details

Today’s Medieval Fortress allows for four classes, as previously stated. The Knight is a Demoman. He is allowed only the Eyelander, the Bottle, and the Targe. The Archer is Medieval Fortress’ default class. Anyone trying to switch to an unallowed class will be redirected to this tweak on the Sniper. He is allowed only the Huntsman, Jarate, the Razorback (which, although useless now, I plan on adding features for later), and his Kukri. The Berserker is simply a the Soldier with all non-melee weapons stripped, excluding the Buff Banner. The Bear is the same with a Heavy; all non-melee weapons are stripped excepting the Sandvich.

To set up map to automatically play Medieval Fortress, simply erase the map’s existing prefix and affix “mf_” to the beginning. For example, on UC server 1, we use Redfort under the name “mf_redfort_b3″. Alternatively, Medieval Fortress can be enabled on any map by typing “sm_mf_enable” into the console (changemap admin flags required). While Medieval Fortress will automatically disable itself at the end of a map, it can be turned off manually by typing “sm_mf_disable” into the console (also requires changemap).

Download

Source code: Medieval Fortress 2

Plugin: MF2

Credits

I have to give credit to tons of people for this, because it really isn’t original. First off, credit goes to Phoenix, the ubercharged.net editor, for the original Medieval Fortress. He got the ball rolling. Next, credit to mrmof for making the map we play on. More credit goes to everyone on the ubercharged.net forum for making this work.

Now perhaps you can get away with this shameful display on other counties of the Internet, but this is Ubercharged; my companion and I agreed we must do something about it.

And so Sir Tygrys, being a master of the arts, began work producing a collection of Team Fortress 2 inspired portraits tailored for Gentle Menne with an eye for the latest in style. Before presentation I must insist that neither of us will be held responsible if, upon glancing these works of art, your monocle falls into your tea.

But without further ado allow me to present to you our works, complete with the accompanying press release from the newly formed T&T Industries:

T&T Industries is happy to announce the release of our very own avatar pack, more precisely the ‘T&T Industries Classy Classes Avatar Pack’.

This pack was specially designed for all of you who understand the need to be classy in all your digital ventures. This splendid pack comes in two styles: BLU and RED, to suit individual customer preferences. You will find that they have been readily scaled down to 184×184 pixels, so they are immediately ready to use on Steam the very moment you download them to your drive.

All of these spiffing avatars were made by two masters of fine art – Sir Tygrys Murdock and Sir Tesla Sherbonk, with extra thanks to Sir Dont for improving the quality of the original images. Should you encounter either of them during your exploits in digital space, be sure to bid them thanks; they’ll be ecstatic to hear their work is appreciated.

Now go ahead and enjoy this fine art as we have prepared for you.

Remember our motto – quality is of the utmost importance and we strive to satisfy all of our customers.

Signed: T&T Industries Chairman of marketing

Willbur McTrackingster

You can download the newly improved v2 pack HERE, thanks to our friend Dont. You may also wish peruse the full sized imagery whilst you await the cheeseboard. Lastly, to those of you whom have no interest in showing some class, may I perchance interest you in a job sweeping out my chimney?

Wasn’t expecting me, was youse?

Anyway, take this situation; it’s a lazy Saturday afternoon. All your homework (assuming you get homework) and chores are done, and you don’t enjoy just lazing around. So you fire up TF2, but there’s no one to play “competitively” with; only pubs around. Sure, they’re fun, but you don’t feel like it, plus you’d like to try and get a little better, which ain’t gonna happen there. What’s one to do?

Here’s a couple suggestions for Soldiers. And maybe Demomen.

BBall

Maybe you’ve heard of it, maybe not. Just to be on the safe side, I’ll explain in detail.

ctf_bball is a deathmatch sort of game, meant to be played 2 on 2, but also works with 1 on 1 (gets boring more easily) or 3 on 3 (more spammy). You’re in a basketball court with only moderate-height walls to jump off, and the objective is to land the flag in the enemy net. You run Soldier or Demoman, with a max of one Demoman. Simple no?

But what’s stopping people from playing something other than those two classes? Nothing, but people, which is alright, since most people who look for bball servers are in a similar mindset. It’s that simple really.

Training includes playing with other good sollys and demomen, and it helps airshots (the enemy needs jumping to score). You could also play scout, though only FaN scouts can reach the net, and it’s pretty iffy. It also helps walljumping (based off long jumps rather than height jumps) and airstrafing (scoring).

There’s a few dedicated bball servers that aren’t locked, plus some regular servers have it on the map list; type “ctf_bball” into the map choice for a collection. UC servers #2 and #3 also have it, although you’ll need an admin to start it. Typical etiquette includes no using sticky bombs to attack, and to a lesser extent, the shotgun is discouraged.

On the subject, there are two different maps that follow the style. One is ctf_pro_bball.

It improves over the original in a few, most notably a shoot-through backboard which prevents people from cheaply knocking you off scoring by shooting it. There’s also ctf_ballin, which is about the same as pro_bball, but a little prettier, and doesn’t limit you to 3 captures. Both look much better than plain ctf_bball though. Give ‘em a run.

Ammomod

This is my personal favorite.

Basically, you fight in an arena against one other person, as either Soldier or Demoman. The map can be a plain room, or based on a notable portion of a stock map, like Gravel Pit’s tower, Badlands Spire, Granary’s mid point, etc..
Both are given 1600 health and unlimited ammo. First one to go down loses.

It’s really simple, but the added health and ammo gives you plenty of room to practice without having to respawn after a few shots. There’s a few servers dedicated to it around; for example, in the US:
- Clan Vortex – 67.212.189.186:27093
- Exodus Society – 216.52.148.129:27015

I mostly go to thenoid’s ammomod, which is at 67.202.71.165:27015. You’ll probably run into some really good players if you do run by, so the best advice I can give is don’t go in expecting to do well.

And if you ever run into Solid Snake, do yourself a favor and have a key bound to “explode.”

Spireking

Spireking is like ghetto ammomod for soldiers – like ammomod, it’s 1v1. There’s a badlands spire in the center of the map, and both players battle for control of the top, where there’s a control point. Unlike ammomod, though, you start with 200 health, but you’re continually resupplied with full ammo and health every 4 seconds. That means that to score a kill, you need to deal out 200 damage in 4 seconds. What better way to do that than by nailing some awesome airshots?

Since spireking doesn’t work well for matches bigger than 1v1, you’re unlikely to find any public servers for it. However, since it’s a standalone map, you don’t need a bunch of mods to run it on your server, as you do with ammomod. This makes it great for clan training. If you have a server, or have access to a private server, give this map a go.

Tr_Walkway

Get it. Now.

Ha, but no seriously. Originally an ESG-only beta by wiseguy and washipato (trust me, it wasn’t that great when it was in beta), it’s now available to the general public, and there probably isn’t any better aerial training bar playing against other people. The launcher is a great asset, and a couple hours on this thing I assure you will greatly improve your prediction skills .Unless they’re already maxed, in which you’ve still got a bunch of commands to mess with to make it harder.

And if you’re like me, when your ping rockets because somebody in the dorm is torrenting… stuff… you can always fire up a listen server.

There’s also modifications for stairstab and eagle stab training in there, but honestly, who falls for stairstabs anymore, and who plays Spy anyway?

And while you’re at it, try a couple headshots.

___________________________________________________________________________

That concludes this article for today. Seriously, get a server, or become friends with someone who does, so you can reap the benefits of Spireking and BBall. Until next time, good night and good luck.

Give a big hand to Secret Agent Clank, on his first contribution to the Competitive TF2 Guide. Future installments of the guide are going to be generally shorter and more specific than the first nine. Thanks for the support, readers. -himmelstoss

Yes, bask in all of its glory. Show off to all your friends. Make all the deathcams with you in so much better. There is nothing this Medal can’t do. This Medal is better than Chuck Norris! Anyone who wears it becomes a God! Why settle for just walking on water when, with this Medal, you can call the water to you and get it to take you to your destination without you even having to lift a finger!

Why, with this Medal, you could finish I Wanna Be The Guy without dying! This Medal has the power to align the planets together, causing whatever disastrous ancient evil of your choice to be awoken. Heck, this Medal allows you to bend bullets to your will! If I was you, I would go get one of these Medals right away if you don’t have one! They are better than anything your girlfriend (Or boyfriend) can do!

Oh, wait…

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, VALVe decided to give the first eleven thousand, one hundred and eleven people who played the Classless Update a Medal unlock for the Soldier. I presume you have seen the new “misc” category in the loadout menu. That is where the Medal goes. There is also this page, if you want some proof of its existence…

So, as you can expect, some people have been rather angry that they could not get a Medal. After all, VALVe only gave out so many (Some of which were deleted by their owners, so people could get their daily facepalm), and the update was released late in the evening in America, which meant the update was released at about 3am in Europe. That means that most Europeans were asleep at the time, so some of those haven’t been very happy to hear that these Medals were given out while they were resting.

I didn’t get a Medal. I was at a camp site at the time, thus I didn’t even know the Medals existed. I wish I did get one, but, to be honest, I would be happy with any non-weapon unlock. I’m one of those unlucky players who has played for a long time since the update, and is yet to earn my very own hat, while people around me have one or two (Or even three) hats, some without having to resort to idling.

So, what should I do? Do I rage to everyone I know, saying how unfair the situation is? Should I stop playing Team Fortress 2, since it clearly hates me? Well the answer is more simple than telling the difference between meerkats and cheap car insurance…

I play some more Team Fortress 2!

(Or spend several hours writing articles about why I should play TF2)

Yes, really.

Why would I stop playing a game I enjoy because I can’t get a rare item? That’s kinda like not going to a theme park because you’re not tall enough the ride a couple of rides; they are always the other rides. Sure, you might have rode them before, but that’s the brilliant part of TF2. There are nine classes, nine different ways of playing. And that’s not including the unlockables…

Some people forget what the hats were added for. They are not some kind of device to enhance your gaming skills, nor are they some kind of advantage in the mist of battle. They are just eye-candy, a way to give the characters more personality, or add more humour to the game.

As for the Medals, yes, you may have missed them, but what says they aren’t coming back, maybe as a random drop? These Medals will most likely come back, since VALVe cares for their customers (And has the ability and time to update their games). I mean, look at the new Sandman. I’ve always liked the Sandman, but not everyone did, so VALVe has done its best to balance it to allow any player, casual or competitive, hat collector or hatless, to accept and enjoy it.

So, before you have a giant rant about the game hating you, think. Ask yourselves if this is an issue that VALVe will pick up on and improve or not. After all, no feature in the game is safe from being changed for balance and/or enjoyment. Just chill, and enjoy the game you have…

HOWEVER!

There is nothing wrong with having a small moan. After all, we are human. We don’t accept everything as it is and say “Oh well,” and carry on. That’s how dictatorships are made. No, people should be allowed to say “Well, actually, I wished that would happen.” It’s only fair, right?

Well, there is a difference between a comment and a full-out rant, and it’s important that people can understand the difference. Some people instantly dismiss any comment about someone not having only of the Medals or Hats as a rant about it. Be honest, have you ever seen someone talk about something that is controversial in the game, and instantly dismiss it that it is the same as every other rant you have read?

No? Let’s just pretend you do…

The thing is, the Medal was an unexpected move, and excludes people from getting one at this current moment. Despite how rare hats are, it is possible that anyone can get one. Chance is a silly thing, because if you say “That’s extremely unlikely”, people can say “Well, what were the chances of you being born?” Statistically speaking, considering the chances of your parents meeting, and their parents meeting, and so fourth, the chances of you being born are extremely less then the chances of getting a hat…

Anyway, the chances of someone getting a hat are low, yet still possible. So, what’s the problem with making the Medals randomly drop like the hats? Some argue that, if VALVe does that, then the Medals lose their value. Well, if you are one of those people, here is a challenge for you. Choose one of the new hats, spend a entire day playing TF2, and count how many people you see with that hat. Come back and tell me how many you see.

The thing is, people are angry for different reasons, and people dislike those people for different reasons. I don’t really understand it entirely either. I’ve given my thoughts about it, but even then, people can argue about them. I don’t like arguments, to be honest. I took a look at the Steam Forums for Medal-related topics. Most of the posts there were pretty much at either end of the argument spectrum. Those who didn’t get one either wish VALVe should make more opportunities to get one, or that VALVe is flawed, greedy and/or stupid. On the other hand, people have attacked those people with sarcastic comments about VALVe’s “stupidity”.

To be honest, I’m not sure what side to support. I disagree with only a limited number of people getting the Medals, but I disagree with the attitude some people have taken towards VALVe and people with Medals. I suggested on the UC forums that players should be able to get one hat of their choice for free, and then unlock the rest normally. Of course, in retrospect, that would make the sight of someone without a hat rarer, since people will most likely pick a hat for their favourite class, and then play as said class. It’s hard to please everyone…

So, where do you stand? Was the way Medals were handed out good, bad, or alright and with room for improvement? May I ask that, when commenting, please don’t cause or contribute to a flame war? I don’t really want to see a repeat of what happened with articles containing the Sandman. KTHXBAI!

Oh, and one last thing…

The person who thought a hatless, bald Engineer was a good idea was clearly wrong. And, thanks to Murphy’s Law, that will be my first hat (or hat removal)…

Recently, essentially beginning with my foray into competitive TF2, I picked up the Soldier. At a glance, the soldier is a simple class. You shoot the rockets to make people-fetti, and use the shotty to finish people off. But it is within the simplicity of the Soldier’s arsenal that the true depth of the class lies. The rocket launcher is an extremely versatile weapon: It not only handily blows enemies into convenient chunks, but it can be used to bounce them, clear points, separate ubers, and launch people into the air, where, as luck would have it, you can hit them with more rockets. The shotgun does its job- absurdly powerful at close range, it’s excellent for finishing off weakened enemies and protecting the soldier when his rocket launcher is out of ammo. Lastly, there’s the shovel, which sees use only as a last resort. On a side note, it is preferrable to simply switch to the shotgun or shovel as opposed to reloading, especially while ubered, because reloading wastes several precious seconds out of 10 seconds of charge. Most new soldiers, and by new I mean public server players (no offense, you amateurs you) charge into combat, firing all their rockets as fast as possible and hopefully getting a kill. This is not the type of soldier I play, and will not be discussed in any manner of detail here. What I am going to discuss however, is what I do play, the competitive soldier.

Before I start, I want to mention that this is in no way a definitive post on what should be done with TF2 and the mechanics of said game. These are my opinions, and mine alone, and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Feel free to comment, though.

Anyway, I was on LoR the other day and was wondering to myself “If I were an employee at Valve and I were one of the guys changing the weapons to improve the game (FaN buff anyone?), what would I do?” So I went through the equipment, one by one, and here is a list. If it’s not mentioned, I don’t think it needs changing, but feel free to give your opinions anyway.

Yes, it’s another one of those articles.

Each change will be rated out of five, with 1 being “completely unnecessary change,” 3 being “could work,” and 5 being “great idea, methinks.”

Scout

So I’m going to leave the Scattergun and the FaN alone, firstly because the Scattergun is fine, and secondly because you need perfect aim (not hard at point blank, though) to get that 2 shot kill-anything-but-the-Heavy strikes, which balances it somewhat I suppose. That was a pretty uninspired buff, really.

Pistol
Just about perfect, although a lot of times I find myself wishing I had more ammo, especially when playing soccer. Perhaps Valve could increase the ammo count by one or two clips, although I’m not sure what this would do to balance, particularly in scrims.
Rating: 2 out of 5

BONK! Atomic Punch
Now this thing right here is somewhat of a problem. It’s mostly a gimmicky escape tool, and no really good Scout would surrender his (or her) pistol for a slim chance at escaping (the enemy can easily chase you down). It is DEFINITELY not doing much to fulfil its original goal: to allow Scouts to bypass their #1 nemesis, the sentry. Only a handful of situations sees actual use (distracting a sentry, mostly).

Solution 1: Reduce the slowdown after-effect a little so that Scouts still have a fighting chance, maybe 100%? Speed is their primary weapon, after all, and most who don’t escape to a safe place are easily mowed down anyway.
Rating: 2 out of 5

Solution 2: Allow an alternate fire that causes you to slow down initially, THEN get invulnerability. This would help with the original conception of giving Scouts access to areas previously blocked by sentries. To make up for this, you will be slowed down for ten seconds, with no notice of when the invuln starts. Alternatively, we could have 6-8 seconds of slowdown beforehand, then only have 2 or so seconds after the invuln. Cannot be stopped once activated.
Rating: 3 out of 5

The Sandman
Ahh, yes, the controversial child; now more balanced, although it’s still incredibly irritating to get hit with (and incredibly giggly to use), and still banned from CEVO. However, there’s something on my mind that I’m sure a lot have been thinking of; bind mouse1 to attack with the bat and mouse2 to launch the ball, instead of the current system.
Rating: 5 out of 5

Soldier

Ah yes, the crazy one. I see no necessary or even interesting changes to the class. Dismissed!

Pyro

Now here’s a class I grief  about along with the Scout. However, unlike the Scout, I find it takes a fair bit less skill to use, and is far too rewarding for what it is. A higher skill ceiling and floor platform would be nice to have.

So, here’s my proposals.

Flamethrower
Idea 1: The Compression Blast is ridiculously fun to use, indeed it is, and is very annoying when you face a Pyro who’s actually skilled with who actually uses it. But it’s still the Pyros main, and a pain to encounter. Remember the old, broken, incredibly overpowered Ambassador? Unlike the tough weapon to use it is today, that is what is being used by the flamethrower. I’m not saying we get rid of that though. That would be stupid.

I recommend a slight reduction of the flames hitbox to fit the animations, so that Pyros will actually have to aim more and spam less in order to win their kills. The advantage? Compression blasts take 5 less ammo to use, giving you a total of 10 on a full tank. I’m (partially) sure many would approve.

It would also match the actual animations we see. Even if not, at the very least, change those animations to match what the Pyro can actually do.

Yes, I know the music is weird. Shut up.
Rating: 3 out of 5

The Backburner
This one. Yes… this one.

Well, here’s the deal. Many, many, MANY Pyros use it. And not really “use” it, so much as equip it.

The thing is, too many equip it over the flamethrower because of the occasional free crits and the fact that they never use the airblast anyway (the stingy, teamworkless, usually unskilled twits). Very few actually try ambushing and flanking the original Pyro was made for, and the Backburner was made for, and I guess I don’t blame them too much.

The solution? Originally thought up by Christopher Livingston (creator of Concerned) on his (old) (abandoned) TF2 comic blog 1Fort, this involved reducing the backburners range somewhat and slightly increasing it’s cone of fire + hitbox for crits. The benefits? You can attack bigger groups with it, IF you use it right,  while reducing the number of DURR HURR MUST CHARGE ENEMY type Pyros that consume so many games. I really thought this was a neat idea, number crunching notwithstanding.
Rating: 4 out of 5

Alternatively, reduce the damage from the front, I dunno. 1 out of 5.

Generic flamethrower idea
Make the flamethrowers have to connect with a certain amount of an enemy’s model before it sets him alight. Still does regular damage if you don’t connect enough, but Pyros would also have to do more than touch the enemy for the free 50-60 damage.
What? It could work.
Rating: 2 out of 5

The Flare Gun

This is my beloved in my 70-80 odd hours as Pyro. I love grabbing the attention of Snipers, and setting people on fire at a distance, and it’s not terribly easy to use either (like the flamethrowers). However, a recent update came out; the reverse damage falloff is gone, but it now mini crits enemies that are already on fire.

This I’m not too a big fan of because:
1) I was toataly MLG prO wif flare wepon at long raenge
2) The mini crit requires that the enemy be on fire, and it does 10 extra damage.

The 10 extra damage helps, I suppose, but I’m still not buying it. I could get 10 extra damage easily enough by spamming flames wildly in the enemy’s general direction. 50, in fact. Flaregun meh, revert plz Velav.
Rating: 2 out of 5

Fireaxe

That is all.

Demomahn

Ahh, the controversial Demoman. My 2nd most played class, and one of my favorites. What’s there to change?

In honesty, although I wasn’t in TF2 from the beginning (August of last year), I agree with most, if not all of Valve’s nerfs. 6 grenades would have been way too spammy, as would 32 spare shots (if my sources are right). Stickies would completely lock out areas, and merely moving them takes forever without an airblast (and that’s assuming they’re on the floor), so it’s only right that they can be destroyed (and they can’t be destroyed easily save Heavies). Having grenades explode on ANY contact (if GB isn’t lying) creates a lot of fear (and spam). And sticky spamming is prevalent, so the close range damage nerf was alright (although the least inspired/goodideaish of the nerfs)

What can I bring to the table, then? Sticky spamming is still common, although any Demoman who relies purely on stickies is at a big disadvantage in my point of view. So, perhaps an increase to 5 grenades and a reduction to 7 stickies, or even 6/6? It could work. Maybe. Not all that important, though, come to think of it.
Rating: 2 out of 5

The Heavy

Natasha
DON’T BE JEALOUS, SASHA.

I still find this gun to be woefully underused, due in part to a couple of mistakes (the initial 66% damage miscode before the Scout update and the speed reduction during the Scout update being 25% instead of 75%). So, what’s one to do?

I can’t really tell, to be honest. The better Heavies can aim well enough to kill without needing slowdown to make it easier. It needs to be played a more teamwork style, as mentioned earlier, but then the Heavy is already quite deadly when played together with a team, whichever weapon he uses (not to say that ninja heavies aren’t a threat). Helps ‘gainst Scouts & Pyros, but that’s most of it.

Thoughts?

The KGB

Honestly, who uses the fists after this except for being generally awesome with taunt kills? What heavy uses melee, in fact? How about making the fists always do mini crits?
Rating: 2 out of 5

And that concludes this 1500 word rant! Part dos on the Engineer through to the Spy will be coming out soon*.

Please discuss with civility.

Clank out. ~~

My most common answer is “The Spy Update.”

He backstabbed my heart

.

Truthfully, my friends, I have fallen in love with the dashing French(maybe)man we call “The Spy.” He appeals to my tactical nature, espescially with the Cloak and Dagger. While Medic is not an option due to us having six snipers and three spys on our team, I join the madness, put on my balaclava and suit, and go hunting. While other Spies will jump right into the action, I lurk, invisible on the battlefield, advancing and stopping with my cloak meter, inching ever closer to that dominating Heavy, or that Engie whose name I’ve taken, I watch, I wait, then I strike. Gentlemen, I am a Spy.

But then, something odd happened on the server last night. I was on a team in Redfort with the usual post-update Spy and Sniper count, but the Spy count was low enough so that if I went Spy, I would tip the fragile balance of our team. What few assault classes we had were being deftly cared for by a Medic better than me, so I did something I haven’t done in ages.

I went Soldier, and I LOVED IT.

.

I just crit. IN MY PANTS.

That Hectic night was my best Soldier playtime in a while. A positive Kill/Death ratio, one domination for most of the game. (I had two for a while, but a very determined dominee wrested it from me.) Top of the scoreboard a few times. I was bouncing Scouts up into the air and getting direct hits on the way down. I rocket jumped behind a siper and killed him with my shovel, and hit a Heavy in the face with a direct crit rocket.

Then we switched the Convoy and things got… strange. It was still fun, though.

So, don’t expect me to be playing Medic all the time any more. I have two new classes now. I need to become a better spy, and I need to see if that night of Soldier competence was a fluke.

However, I’m not in a position to play any Team Fortress 2 right now, (I’m sure anyone on my friends list has heard me whine about it.) Here’s hoping I get a decent laptop for graduating this year and can get back in the fray soon. Who knows, maybe by the time I get back into Team Fortress 2 we’ll have resonably balanced teams.

Until then, I’ll have to survive on Ubercharged DnD sessions and Frank Sinatra.

However, there was nothing beautiful about the carnage taking place during that day. The sun itself was a witness to yet another bloodbath spilled daily near the two bases owned by two major corporations.

There was a ferocious battle taking place in Dustbowl. BLU team was pushing into RED territory, and RED soon found itself holding on desperately to their last control point. The Heavy had waddled his way back into a corner of the control point with the Medic strafing around him to prevent any future backstabs. The Soldier and the Demoman were waiting at the entrance for the enemy. The Engineer was already fixing up his buildings in a snug little corner. And the  Spy and Pyro were making their regular rounds about the possible entrance routes.

As arrows flew and the Spy came back with the smell of burnt hair and clothing, the Heavy noticed the BLU sniper was aggressively attacking him with his new weapons. However, where was their sniper? And where’s that little baby man?

None of this, though, bothered the two gentlemen who had ditched the action for the relative peace at Gravelpit. In fact, they were sitting on a control point miles away, having their own little picnic.

The Sniper got out merely because of an excuse about his bladder. After convincing the Medic that all he needed was a trip to the bathroom (and not surgical removal with the bonesaw), he hopped into his van and sped off to rendezvous with the Scout, who complained that his ball had flown out of the fence and he had to go retrieve it. Poor excuses, but nobody missed the two. The battle went on without them.

So it was, the Sniper and the Scout having a dainty little picnic under the shade from their umbrella.

“Beer?”

“Nah. I prefer tacos.”

The two sat back, listening to the noises of gunfire and explosions in the distance. Occasionally, the Sniper would go on a high perch and “fire” off a few arrows in the general direction of the noises while the Scout would hit his balls (he found a couple of Sandmen on the way). That way, they could claim that they were “part of the action.”

Crunch, crunch

The Sniper’s ear quickly picked up on the noise. He quickly reached under the picnic blanket for his kukri.

Instead of an open confrontation, he received a faceful of gravel that stung his face.

“Hey!”

The Scout brushed at his face, upset at the annoyance. “Gravel? What a nuisance!”

Suddenly, a BLU spy appeared right before their eyes. Dressed in a blue pinstripe suit, he looked far too well-cut to kick gravel in somebody’s face. He carried a gold watch in his left hand, instead of his normal gray watch. He looked at the duo with sheer disgust.

The Spy sneered. “Haw haw haw, what are you going to do? Run five miles and shoot me?”

“Ye-; No…” The Sniper was at a loss for words. How did he know? With his severely underpowered submachine gun, he could not fight at close range combat effectively. His kukri was ineffective at dealing with someone who actually knew how to fight hand-to-hand.

The Scout, however, had no trouble dealing with those “dime-a-dozen backstabbing scumbags.” With a single blast of his scattergun, the sneering gentleman instantly fell to the ground. And died.

The Sniper took off his hat to pay his respects. How often did the Spy go down so quickly?

“Not often enough.”

The last thing the Sniper saw was a silver revolver with a huge barrel and engravings on its side. He also heard the Spy’s signature cackle, the laugh that told him that he had been backstabbed once again. How did he know?

And then the blood poured out from his head.

* * *

The Sniper sat in his van, feeling miserable at his failure. Not only did a BLU spy dispatch him and the Scout, he had been chastised severely for playing hooky. Obviously, somebody noticed and tattled, although it might have been one of those cameras that she installed everywhere, from the dorms to the latrines.

How did she know?

He remembered the chastisement from the Announcer. He had been summoned after he and the Scout bought some tacos from the taco truck outside of their dorms.

*FZZT* SNIPER PLEASE REPORT TO THE OFFICE *FZZT*

He knew what to expect. The middle-aged lady sat in her arm chair, back facing the Sniper. The lack of lighting only made it seem more ominous. The stench of her cigarette was overpowering.

“Tell me, why did you skip out on the match?”

The Sniper’s Adam’s apple bobbed.

“Well?”

He scratched his head. Time to use the excuse that he had used so often. “Well…nobody seems to think much of me, ma’am. I mean, they claim I hang back too much, and-”

She waved and cut him off. “I’ve given you two unlockables already. The Huntsman and the Razorback. If you can’t make use out of them, then I don’t see what use I can make out of you!”

She paused. “Get out, and do NOT disappoint me again.“

Now the Sniper was lying on his bed. He couldn’t confront his teammates. Not after he had ditched them. His only refuge now was the pile of comics he had under his bed. Superman, Batman, he loved them. None of them had the merits of Saxton Hale, though.

Saxton Hale. The Australian Alan Quartermaine. That handsome, muscular man with the large amounts of chest hair and incredibly short cut-off pants. He was his childhood hero, his idol and model. And like the Hank Aaron poster in the Scout’s dorm, he had posters of him. Pictures, flyers, comics, even fanfic that he never dared to publish. Whenever the Sniper had a bad day or just plumb was in a bad mood, he turned to Saxton Hale for answers.

He started flipping through his comic book. And there he found his answer.

It was a comic. And not just an ordinary one. It had somebody just like him, bullied around by a troublesome BLU spy. And on the second row, he saw himself, reading a similar comic. It was him, discovering Jarate.

Just like how I am learning about it now breathed the Sniper in amazement.

Suddenly, he yelped. He kicked a chair across the room. It was all coming to him now. And something happened just then -

He remembered everything. From the ancient Aborigines, he saw the ancient art in his head now. From the ancient ancestors of long past, he understood the guarded secret. And from the Australian blood in his veins, he felt a connection to Saxton Hale – the Australian Chuck Norris. This message was a god-send, and he was now a prophet.

I’ll never have to worry about lack of urinary privileges ever again! thought the Sniper as he cut out the order form and put in the $5 from the allowance money Mum sent him.

* * *

The box came to the Sniper almost two days after he sent the order in. In it were Saxton Hale Jarate pills, a trophy, and a couple of jars. However, the Sniper didn’t read the instructions. Even worse, he didn’t even read the part about the Saxton Hale Pain Tonic. It wasn’t in the box.

The Sniper downed the pills. Within seconds, he felt something near his sides expand. The size of his kidneys tripled as expected. They started filtering his liquid wastes like never before!

After a minute, he had completely filled all four jars. And he still needed more.

He had to keep it a secret though. After all, the instructions had told him to keep this secret art to himself for reasons of “public health and decency.”

It wasn’t easy. He saw the Announcer pop a few aspirins and a few forehead veins after he ran out of a briefing mid-meeting. The Heavy looked at him with an odd look on his face, troubled by the Sniper’s constant running in and out of the dining hall. He told the Engineer to take his night-watchman post, as he could not stay for a few seconds before having to urinate again.

I really gotta buy more jars thought the Sniper as he walked to his van to take a trip to the local convenience store.

Hours later, the Medic came across the moaning and mumbling Sniper, clutching his chest as if he wanted to rip his organs out.

* * *

The Sniper woke up to a world of aches and pains. He felt as if a million little Spies were inside him, puncturing his organs with their butterfly knives. It felt as if his organs were shutting down. He was bedridden and had to be kept under watch 24/7 to prevent his symptoms from getting worse. Only the Sniper’s glassy, pitiful eyes prevented the good Doc from satisfying his curiosity on him.

“He looks awful.”

“Musta been the tacos.”

The Sniper took the trash can and vomited for the 14th time in the day. And most of that vomit was blood, too.

Being between life and death and teetering towards the latter, he thought of his Mum and his Dad. He thought of past memories on the range, living on his own in the outback before he had been taken away to fight for RED. Most importantly, though, he thought of his friends, his teammates that he had abandoned. He should’ve helped him – after all, he was of some importance, right?

“Maybe I should’ve been a doctor like Dad said,” groaned the Sniper as he gave in to his exhaustion.

* * *

White. Was he in heaven? All he could see was white.

He blinked. No. It was some sort of material. What was it?

A paper. It was familiar. As the light reached the Sniper’s eyes, he saw that it was quite colorful. The morning light was going through the paper, filtering the colors from the other side.

He turned it over. It was that same comic, the one he had read back in his trailer. Before he had gotten himself into this mess with that Jarate crap.

How could you, Saxton Hale?

Looking closely at the paper though, he saw discrepancies. The first part of the comic was just the way it was before. However, in the last part of the comic, he saw that the original drawings had been scribbled over. In its place was a crude drawing of figure reminiscent of the BLU Spy. Underneath his feet was a corpse with a knife sticking out of the back. And that corpse was on a hospital bed…

No…

He heard a chuckle. He heard the flicking of a knife. He heard it too often. And for once, he found himself helpless. Even scared.

The BLU Spy flicked his knife once more as he advanced on the bed, carrying with him a sinister aura. The Sniper swore that he could fit a slice of watermelon in the Spy’s smile.

The Sniper got off the bed and backed away. The adrenaline was pumping within him now. He took out his kukri. If he was going to die, he would with his face to the enemy.

The Sniper glared at the Spy. “How did you get in here?”

The Spy smirked. “Your poor fat friend was obviously distracted with his disgusting food. The Sandviches. When I killed him, he found three other sandviches just lying around. Fat got his tongue.”

He lit a cigarette. “I see that you’ve resorted to desperate measures just to defeat me. You disgust me. You were so gullible, falling for that lowbrow ruse I called Jarate.”

The Sniper’s jaw dropped. “How did you know?”

“I sneaked into your trailer. I gave you something from your so-called childhood hero, Saxton Hale, who is obviously in financial trouble. I mean, who would charge people $5 just to teach them how to piss in a jar?

“The truth is, I did it to humiliate you. What would the world think of a the great “Adelaide Assassin”? He now pisses in a jar just to defeat someone like me!” The Spy’s laugh rang throughout the room. “You’re nothing, you don’t stand a chance against me. And the world will finally see the fool in you. And I will finally be known as the best class in the world!”

Then, once again, he disappeared.

Blood pounded in the Sniper’s head. What am I going to do? His teammates were gone, he was alone with a kukri against a skilled assassin. He rushed out of the room in sheer panic.

“You can run, but you can’t hide!” rang out a voice somewhere near the Sniper.

He rushed down the hallway. As much as his sides ached, he had to keep going. he didn’t know where to go, or what to do when he got there. His legs just carried him.

“What are you going to do? Run 20 meters and shoot me?”

The Sniper burst into the lab room, where the Medic usually operated on his hapless subjects. He bolted the door and sat on the blood-stained operating table, gasping for breath. There was nothing he could do…

I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die-

“Peekaboo!”

An arm snaked out of nowhere and slashed at the Sniper. Had it not been for the Sniper’s quick reflexes, he would’ve received more than just a facial wound. Nevertheless, the shock of it all drove the Sniper back into a row of shelves, where the Medic was studying the Sniper’s urine samples.

The Sniper, bloodied and battered, looked up above him.

Take it…

As if on instinct, the Sniper snatched a jar from the shelf. What am I going to do with this jar of urine?

Use it…

“Maybe they should bury you in that van you call home!” cackled the Spy as he raised his knife for the kill.

Now!

The Sniper tossed the jar of urine. As it arched across the room, the Spy’s smirk was quickly replaced by one of shock. It was then replaced with a look of fear.

The jar shattered as the Spy received a faceful of the Sniper’s liquid bodily wastes. The urine stained the Spy’s Hugo Boss suit. There was a sound of electricity, and then the Spy was fully uncloaked.

“Is this…?!” cried the Spy in anguish.

With the last ounce of his strength, the Sniper stabbed the Spy with his kukri. Before the Spy died, though, he gave the Jarate master a look of agony, a look of the deepest hate that one could possibly possess.

The Spy spat out these last words through his gritted teeth: “I HATE -”

The Sniper took out his kukri and the Spy fell to the ground covered in the Sniper’s urine and his own blood.

The Adelaide Assassin paid his respects.

* * *

The following days passed quickly. After finding the Spy’s cache of Saxton Hale Pain Tonic Pills (which he took from the box before it was delivered to the Sniper), he quickly recovered.

The Medic didn’t get to satisfy his curiosity. However, the Sniper’s incredibly effective kidneys never ceases to amaze the Medic.

The RED and BLU Spy’s disgust for the Sniper only grew. “Filthy jar man,” they would mutter behind the Sniper’s back.

Thanks to the Sniper’s ingenious new weapon, he could now fight effectively at close-range. He would toss his jar of urine at the enemies. They would cower in fear and lose the will to live. They would die either from the Sniper’s kukri or from the bullets of his teammates. And even if they escaped, it would haunt every living, waking moment of their lives.

Even better, everybody was now grateful to the Sniper for saving his life when the Engineer accidentally left the task of grilling burgers to the Pyro. They were all a little disgusted, but nevertheless, grateful. And the Sniper quickly learned that he was now a team player, and that friendship is indeed golden.

After a day of chucking his jars around, the Sniper retired to the trailer. On his desk was not only a picture of his parents, but also a jar of urine.

And if you look closely enough in the yellowish fluid, you can see the smiling, rugged muscular Australian man who turned the Sniper into a weapon of mass destruction. It’s cheap, it’s found everywhere, it’s easily used -

It’s Jarate.

Anyway, in eight months we’ll have had Team Fortress 2 in our game libraries for two years. That’s a big milestone. Two years of playing maps. Two years of updates. Two years of Demoman nerfs. We’ve had all this time to play Team Fortress 2, and observe the classes.

But what if the classes had the chance of observe us? What if they all knew they were in a video game? How would they react when exposed to Valve and the community?

Scout: I see the Scout taking the realization that he’s a video game character the best. He would get a huge ego boost over the fact that there were people playing as him all over the world. He would join the Steam forums and be annoyingly pro-sandman. Anything to give himself an edge.

Soldier: The Soldier would probably be disappointed in most Soldier players. He’d probably think anyone with less than a thirty kill streak unworthy of playing him. When introduced to the real world, he would find a job in management and whip some maggot department into shape.

Pyro: To quote the Pyro himself, “Mrph mrmm mm mp mrm mmmm!”

Demoman: Demoman would be very angry at Valve for nerfing him so much. He’d question the sensibility of nerfing the Demoman on the word of only the Steam forums. Then, finding that nobody was listening to him, he’d get drunk on the strongest booze he could find.

Heavy: Heavy would tell the Steam forum users to cry some more, then go join a real wrestling league and beat up puny babies untill he was fired for being too violent with his defeated enemies. After that, he would probably join the military. Heavy would love all those fancy new automatic weapons.

Engineer: Engineer would be one of the most unaffected by the revalation. In fact, I see him going to work for Valve. The image of him whacking away at the Half-Life episode 3 demo with his wrench is pretty funny. Maybe he’ll make it so you’ll get scurvy if you pirate it.

Medic: Medic would find no companionship with actual doctors. He would be severely disappointed with the lack of hurting within the medical practice. Perhaps he could get along with pediatricians. Most likely, he would follow Heavy into the army and revolutionize battlefield medicine with the ubercharge. Or many not, Team Fortress 2 tactics would never work in a real-life battle.

Sniper: Sick of being hated all the time, the Sniper would flee Team Fortress 2 and everything related to it. He could take up assassination and make millions, or maybe get his own reality show. “The Wankerdile Hunter.” I forsee big bucks no matter what career path the Sniper takes.

Spy: The Spy would probably be motified at this revalation. All his secret operations laid bare for the world to see. He would disappear into the real world, and no one would hear from him again… Or would they? Mysterious deaths and corporate takeovers abound.

The Announcer: Fools, she already knows. Most likely, every world leader is under the Announcer’s thumb somehow. She also runs Valve, Gabe Newell is her cofee-boy.

See you on the other side, friends.

If you have recently expierienced head truama and care about what Sheepshifter is doing these days, check out his twitter by copy and pasting the following address into your browser because he cannot figure out how to make links all fancy right now. https://twitter.com/Sheepshifter

Now that that’s over, let me continue on with my undoubtedly controversial rant.

I really, really dislike Soldiers.

No, dislike isn’t strong enough. Passionately despise would be slightly more accurate, but words could never describe how much I hate that class. Every solitary facet of the Soldier fills me with a deep smouldering rage. I hate being juggled by ultra-damaging rockets. I hate being gibbed, punctured, and slashed by the frequent cirts brought on by the constant splash damage done by rockets. I hate how the Soldier has only the second highest health, but never seems to die when I need him to. I hate how the Steam stats claim the Soldier is only the fourth most frequently played class, yet it seems every corner I turn, there’s one standing there ready and willing to blow me into chunky noodle soup. I hate how I’m always dominated by them, but can barely play as them. But most of all, I. Hate. The. Soldier.

I’m going to let that sit in for a second.

Back with me again? Good. Bear with me now for a bit, this is where it gets tricky.

I’m not suggesting we do anything about it.

“But why?” you may ask through a mouth stuffed full of some sort of greasy, cheese encrusted snack. “Why then have you come here to complain? Why do you present complaints but no solutions? Are you not interested in the betterment of the game?!”

Dearest readers, I come here simply to present my opinion. I suggest that Team Fortress 2 is not only the gut-grabbinest, gut-rippenest, strangle-you-with-your-own-grabbed-gutsiest battle thriller ever seared onto my monitor (as the game’s website so accurately puts it), but it is essentially perfect. I believe the only patches that are ever really needed are exploit and bug fixes. Nerfs and upgrades are almost never necessary, with examples being the Pyro’s airblast as a necessary, and the Backburner’s 50 extra health being removed being unnecessary (but that’s another issue entirely, and perhaps I’ll discuss it at a later date).

Instead of blaming the game as being unbalanced or unfair, I instead blame my own lack of skill. I am by no accounts a poor player, as many of my friends may begrudgingly admit. However, one of my main faults is my near-complete inability to fight Soldiers. Is this the fault of the game mechanics? No. Is this the fault of The Valve? Nope. It is my fault and my fault alone for being unable to fight that single class. Besides, who am I to ruin someone’s favourite class? The Demoman is this close to being crippled with all the requests for nerfs from the endlessly whiny community, why endanger yet another class?

And so dear readers, I put this forward to you: the next time you beg for nerfs, reconsider. Perhaps, instead of changing the game to pander to your needs and wants, instead try to play around that part of the game, and eventually you’ll find a counter for whatever tactic you may be challenged with. All it takes is patience.

And so, I leave you with one last thing for you to remember next time you’re frustrated with the game:

I still hate the Soldier, though.

A Pyro, a Heavy, and an Engineer,
All willing to make me a smear.

But it shall not be done.
For my friend behind me, has a Medigun.

He yells, “I AM FULLY CHARGED!”
The task at hand, is quite large.

BABIES!
Hudda!
Mah Sentrah!

These calls, are met with a rocket.
The Engineer goes first, sitting in his pocket.

The Pyro attempts to set me alight.
But a crit rocket ends the fight.

I turn, and find the Heavy has fled.
But he is stopped, with a shovel to the head.

The charge fizzles, but something is odd.
I then get killed by the vengeful Train God.

And now for something completely different:

The whirr of a sentry has aquired my attention
And no one is near.
I shall take it down without a mention
My job is fear.

It touches the machine, and melds
Things are going to get fun.
Right on cue, someone yells:
SPAH SAPPIN MAH SENTRAH GUN!

The tapping of feet, as he runs down the hall
Prepares me for the fight.
He enters the room, unaware of his fall
I plunge the knife with all my might.

A heavy appears, and my fate is insured,
As I sit in the destroyed den,
I face the Russian, and speak one final word:
Gentlemen.

The sad truth of the matter is, however, that’s not always the case. Especially in video games, where your life expectancy is no more than a few minutes before being ‘reset’. Because dying has become such an… inconvenience in video games, humans by nature want to make death even more inconvienent. With the wide array of guns and other lethal weapons at your disposal in TF2, people can be a bit spoilt for choice at times. Well, let’s narrow it down to the top five best weapons to end your enemies’ lives, in the most annoying, humiliating, ragequit worthy way (in no particular order):

Number One: The Bat

You should’ve seen this one coming. It’s one of the most commonly used weapons for irritating you to death. But what makes this weapon so frustrating to be murdered by? What is it that makes people yell out once they’ve gotten hit by it?

Let’s have a look at some trusty stats over at the TF2wiki. The bat, according to them, does the least about of damage out of any melee weapon, excluding the axtinguisher or the knife, which both have unique abilites. The bat only compenstates for its weakness by having a faster swing time, which we can all notice for ourselves. The weapon also has the 6th highest chance of critting, but is on par with other melee weapons like the fireaxe and the shovel. But it’s not just the weapon itself which makes this weapon embarassing to die from, but also has something to do with the person using it.

It’s obvious that most of the TF2 classes have lost their marbles; trying to blow up the Loch Ness Monster, talking to decapitated heads and having an unhealthy relationship with firearms make this clear. But the Scout, out of all nine, usually just comes across as being too far up his own arse. Being killed by him only feeds his evergrowing ego. And you don’t want that, do you?

Number Two: The Facestab

Oh jeez. I can feel the heat raising just as the word ‘facestab’ is mentioned. This rejected offspring is born through a combination of high ping and hit detection. You’ll be wandering around and see a Spy. You’ll try to keep him in your field of vision for as long as possible so that you don’t have your back facing to him, which is a potentially lethal position to be in. But, for a split second, the Spy is behind you. You thought you’d outsmarted him, turn around just in time to see his face and…

BAM! Back to the spawn room for you. The reason this sort of kill is so annoying is because you think you’re safe as long as the Spy is infront of you. Well, looks like you’ve been proved wrong, eh? In terms of trying to achieve this sort of kill yourself, It’s best if you go on a server were you are guaranteed a ping of atleast 100. If your computer is running on something like the LHC, this may be hard to come by, but keep looking and I’m sure you’ll find something. This, along with a combination of lag, should nab you some facestabs. But how do you always know you’ve gotten a facestab? Sometimes it’s not as obvious to you as you may think, as what your victim sees could be different from what you see. However, the players themselves will more than likely inform you politely that you have been given the unwanted fortune of sticking a knife up their nostril.

Number Three: Telefragged

We’ve all been there. You’ve just successfully gotten rid of a pretty tough sentry farm and you’ve gone in to pick up the pieces. All that is left is just a lonesome teleporter, still beeping away. You don’t want to waste any ammo on the wretched thing, so you decide it’d be best to melee it into submission. Oh boy, that was a mistake.

Your enemy, now aware that the sentries are down, rush to the scene to try and rebuild. They notice their teleporter has, luckily, not been spotted by the enemy. It’s pretty risky, but you think it’d be best to use it because you know walking would take too long. As you step over, disappear, then reappear, you notice something. You got a kill!

How embarassing. While you meleed the teleporter, someone appeared in front of you and flattened you.

It seems to be an instinct that people prefer to melee teleporters to death rather than shooting them. I can predict telefragging may become increasingly more common, with the fact teleporters can charge up considerably faster now. So, next time you see a teleporter up, you may just get a kill right off the bat if you’re lucky!

Number Four: Your Own Sentry/Rocket/Sticky/Pipe

Whether this is caused due to a reflect from a Pyro, or a ‘finished off’ situation, you don’t want to die from yourself. Whoever said ‘you are your own worse enemy’ must’ve been thinking of all the Soldier/Demomen players on TF2. Okay, maybe that phrase has been around decades before TF2, but lets gloss over that for now.

People used to quite freely kill themselves from their own weapons. If a Pyro had you pinned and you knew your demise was imminent, you’d just blast the floor/pop a sticky down and you’d be able to essentially ’steal’ the kill off of your enemy. Great, wasn’t it? But then Valve ruined everyone’s fun. Now, when you died, the last person to injure you got kill credit! How mean of them! Since then, players have been much more cautious in not having anymore ‘accidents’. But now, whenever it does happen, it’s now much more annoying. Because most Soldiers shoot at the ground, as to avoid air blasting Pyros and to make their shots harder to dodge, this can be problematic in smaller areas were you yourself can take damage. Being rushed is probably when this is most likely to happen.

Now, getting killed at your own sentry is a bit harder to do, because Sentries don’t tend to aim at teammates. But, I think this video explains it rather well. Need I say more?

Number Five: From a reflected flare. As a Pyro.

You’ll be thinking, what? How the hell does this happen?

The short answer: It does. Just not very often.

The longer answer: to be honest, you should feel somewhat privileged rather than humiliated to be killed in this way. I mean, it’s almost achievement-worthy. You’ve been killed in a way that probably less than 1% of TF2 players have been. Isn’t that great?! The chances when this will happen is if your low on health (and I mean really low) and running away like billio from a chasing enemy Pyro. You take out your flare gun and take a shot. You know it’ll do basically nothing but who knows? Maybe the enemy has an irrational fear of them or… Something. Then you discover this enemy Pyro has been working since birth at perfecting the art of the air blast. You see the flare looming towards you, but you’re too dazzled by the fact he managed to even reflect it to really move out the way. You know what happens next. Depending on what type of personality you are, you’ll probably either burst out crying, burst out laughing, or both.

Well, there you have it. Not really much else to say, except keep your eye out for these things, or on the other hand, seek them out if you want to beat the enemy into submission. With a baseball bat.

The first time I saw that was in OMFGNinja’s Advanced Spy Ninja Tutorial. Unusual then, that he would use something that fits the personality of the Soldier for a Spy, but only technically. And yes, I do think it’s something most players tend to neglect; if you’re in a good position, you can strike down an enemy or two easily. This true applied to the element of surprise, or even otherwise. Arguably, if there are those who don’t bother with it, it’s because people don’t have patience for it, or perhaps because a lot are casual players who don’t think about this, or whatever else. I’m going to talk about one great aspect of tactical positions – height.

Yes, height. Whether it be 2 feet or 20 feet above or below, height can make a difference in a TF2 encounter, single or multiple enemies. You could fight even in a disadvantage, but ask yourself: do you really want to? Probably not, unless you’re sure you can take out the enemy (usually meaning new player).
“If fighting is sure to result in victory then you must fight!”
So I’m going to talk about several uses of height for a few different classes, where you can use it to your advantage, and in general too, I guess. Some obvious, some not so obvious.

A big reason, of course, is that people rarely look upwards in real life, and by extension, in Team Fortress 2 as well. So without further ado…

The Rocketman
This one’s pretty basic. Can you say “splash damage”? If you’re a regular Soldier, or have even played it for just a few hours, you know that aiming at the enemy’s feet is one of the basic skills of a Soldier, and even more so if there’s a group of enemies. Sure it does less damage, but what are the odds of hitting the enemy anyway? Oh yeah, and there’s juggling.

When a Soldier, you want to be on higher ground than your opponent as often as possible. Not only does this make it harder for them to shoot you, it also widens your floor area of attack, making it easier to aim. What does this mean? Imagine if you’re on the same level as the enemy. Fightable, but your vertical mouse (apologies to console players, but we are the overlords of FPS gaming =P) aim has to be tight in order to get a good shot. Now, imagine yourself being 10 feet higher. It’s a lot easier to hit splash damage because your berth for aim is bigger vertically, isn’t it? Think of the courtyard area of *shivers* 2fort.

These two pictures use the red lines for approximately the same distance.

See this. Notice how the lines at the top are getting much closer to each other, meaning that the further away the enemy is from you, the harder to hit he is.

Now you're on the point, 10 feet above the ground. See the difference?

And as a Soldier, you don’t want to be below the enemy, because after you go down below eye level, nothing but a direct hit with a rocket will damage the enemy (save walls). And these points are true for fighting a Soldier too. It’s always tough to take out a Soldier who’s on the roof of Avanti, but in HalfAcre, if you’re on a cliff and a Soldier is below, it’s incredibly easy to dodge rockets. Phear the Rocket Jump, maggots! One of those gives you at least an extra rocket before you hit the ground.

Free cookie: Spot the 3 "interesting" things in this picture. (And no, Sasha, the second cap point, and the jetpack don't count.) (Okay, last one is tough, so hint = Scouts weapon)

The Arsonist
While height isn’t a big point for Pyro’s, you can certainly play it like a Spy. Imagine a group of players, running ahead of you, not noticing you. Backburner out (although I usually prefer the flamethrower), you lick your chops for some delicious barbecued Heavy Weapons Guy. But suddenly, oops, one of them has turned around. Before you know it, the Heavy turns around too, and you’re swiss cheese because your flamer has too short a range.

This is why; Pyro’s are made for ambushes. The chaos and damage of fire strikes fear into the heart of men (and girls too), which is why W + M1 succeeds more often than it should. Now, think of that same scenario. This time though, you’re above the enemy in a balcony, where they likely won’t see your crouching self. You jump down and WHAM! Even if that same person saw you, he’d have that much less time to react and warn his team. Mmm… delicious roasted Sandvich…

I hear a Hunter. Come on out wussy!

The Errant Twitcher
This class is unusual, because it’s one of the few times where you’d rather be below your enemy for fighting (maybe not Soldiers so much, but shut up, I’m trying to make a point here >=D). The Demoman is the ONLY class with indirect fire capability, unless you want to count sentries. Which I don’t. With a real arc to his projectile weapons, unlike the syringe guns, you can lob nades and stickies up above with ease. If it doesn’t kill your enemy, it will likely scare them off, if they don’t react, that is. Detonation is always a key factor.

Oh crap...

Still, it’s not like the Demoman can’t play like a Soldier. You’ll mainly want the stickies here. It’s a little less easy and/or effective, but it works well.

However! If you find that map with an obstacle between you and someone else, you can lob explosives over there! I find defending the third cap on Avanti has a very nice spot, for that BLU exit balcony.

AND! Hiding stickies on the ceiling makes them much much harder to notice. This helps tremendously since the destructable stickies update.

The HardHat
In terms of sentry placement, having higher ground means that it’s harder for all but Demomen to reach your equipment. This means Spies too! Meaning that they have to go a ways to get to your stuff. I like the logs on point A of pc_sawmill a fair bit. A little exposed, but if you have people who are not zombie engineers, then you should do fine.

No comment.

IF you have a sentry lower down, however, you could potentially send the enemy blasting through the air, that is, if they try to jump down on it. Not usually a favorable position, but consider the possibilities that sentry blowback gives. Most people don’t react to this situation very well.

The Secret Agent

Now this I like, a lot. Plenty of opportunities to munch on Squishies from above! It is, I hazard, an amazing way to attack. I’ll try and base my attacks with height for a week and see how it turns out. Leaping stabs are great ways, and if your timing is good, BAM. If not, it’s also a very good tactic to jump down and stalk for a few seconds to get to the enemy, because the time you’re exposed to the possibility of boooolets is much lower. This makes you more of a ghost, and good Spies are pretty much Ghosts, aren’t they?

One of my favorite spots. Note that it's pretty hard to get to the cranetop if you don't have double/sticky/rocket jump abilities. Possible, though.

*gratis to Himmelstoss for pointing out that video to me twice. You are credit to writing!
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So what does this mean for you?

Height is always a useful tool, especially if you’re above. Gravity moves you much quicker than anything save explosions, and the ability to Blitzkrieg is something that can reduce your enemy to chunky giblets (or ashes, depending on you) before they can respond. Think of it as another version of the element of surprise, only it’s much harder to counter because you’re not actually there with the enemy until you attack.

That’s all for now. Awaiting good constructive criticism. For extra credit, discuss why people tend not to look up while playing. If you are one of those who do look up, no need to tell us. =)