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When I first started playing Team Fortress 2 back in the day, it was when the Pyro update was released, since then I always had a grudge against the Pyro, especially those who wield the Backburner. The Backburner has always gotten the short end of the stick when it came to being an unlockable weapon. Those who use it are proclaimed to be “noobs,” and it is often deemed the reason why Pyros are referred to as being “W + M1”. I never had much interest in using the Backburner due to these reasons, as well as its lack of airblast.

It wasn’t until a little while ago I decided to try an experiment in which I would play as a Backburner Pyro for 2 hours. After playing I gained new respect for Backburner, so much so that I actually use the Backburner more then the regular flamethrower. I then decided to take the next step and try to write a guide to give players new insight into the Backburner Pyro play style and maybe change a few peoples opinions on the weapon. So let’s get this guide started.

“Thh Bhcgburnhr” – The Backburner

The Backburner is the Pyros first unlockable weapon which quite obviously replaces his flamethrower; it was created to make Pyros better at ambushing. When the Pyro update was released all the way back on the 19th of July, 2008, it was completely different compared to its present day counter-part. I’m sure that everyone recalls when the Backburner had the +50 health boost, where anyone using the Backburner would rush into battle head on and obliterate the opposition, thus creating the dreaded stereotype that has stuck with this weapon to this day… “W + M1”. The Backburner, however, has retained its ability to get 100% critical hits when attacking an enemy from the back. The only problem with the Backburner is that the area in which the Backburner will get crits is much smaller than the area a Spy would need to backstab someone.

“Trrlth rf thh trhdh” – Tools of the Trade

When playing a Backburner Pyro, having the right weapons for the job separates success and failure. Remember, your goal as a Backburner Pyro is to ambush foes from their blind spots and get in close to deal massive damage quickly. This section will only focus on your secondary and melee weapons.

The Shotgun

The standard sidearm for three classes as well as the primary weapon for our pal the Engineer, the shotgun is a powerful close range weapon, able to pump out 80-90 damage at point blank range; along with firing almost two shots a second, it can deal almost 160-180 damage per second. The shotgun is best used at close range; the same with the Backburner. Using both together would allow you to deal massive damage very quickly if you utilize the critical hits the Backburner gets. If you fail at killing the enemy quickly, switching to the shotgun allows you to deal a killing blow. The main drawback to the shotgun is that it is not very effective at long ranges, though this drawback isn’t new to the Pyro, since close range is this class’ bread and butter (or should I say toast and butter?) You can also utilize the shotgun to take pot-shots at fleeing enemies, to make sure that they don’t get away. The shotgun also gives you the ability to keep Soldiers and Demoman at bay due to the lack if an airblast; your bullets also allow you to destroy enemy sticky bomb traps.

The Flare Gun

The flare gun is the unlock able secondary weapon for the Pyro; it gives the Pyro more of a ranged game in terms of combat, allowing him to shoot flares over long distances to set his enemies ablaze. This gives the Pyro some ranged game but makes him more vulnerable when faced up close when short on ammo. The flare does about 27-33 damage upon a hitting it’s target; however since the flare sets the victim alight, the burn damage adds a total of 60 extra damage into the mix, making a total of about 87- 93 damage for a full burn. The drawbacks of this weapon are that it is only one shot per clip, two second reload time and that the damage it deals is not “sudden.” However, the flare gun is good for finishing off fleeing enemies, if they are on fire, you can score a mini-crit with a flare, if they arn’t on fire, they will be now. Being a Backburner Pyro means getting in close and taking out targets quickly, the flare gun would not be that great of an asset because of the fact that it puts out little damage initially; you can kill an enemy with a flare, but it gives him more time to retaliate and can lead you to your death.

The Fire Axe

What’s better than lighting someone on fire? How about lighting them on fire and then hitting them with a fire axe! The fire axe is as powerful as every other melee weapon (excluding the Scouts bats and the Butterfly knife) which is about 59-72 damage per hit. There isn’t anything special about the fire axe; it’s just a normal weapon.

The Axtinguisher

How can you improve a fire axe? Why not switch it out for a battle axe and wrap it in barbed wire? The Axtinguisher, the Pyros unlockable melee weapon, is a deadly weapon when used against an opponent who is on fire. While the axtinguisher is a weak weapon by default (23-43 damage per strike), its special ability is that, when used to strike a flaming enemy, it will score a critical hit which does a total of 195 damage. The axtinguisher is a great weapon, but is also a bit problematic at times, in order for it to be the most effective; the victim needs to be on fire, so you have to give yourself away by lighting the enemy on fire then trying to switch to your axe to finish them off. It would probably be easier to use the critical hits of the backburner since that should be your goal as a BB Pyro. The axtinguisher would be a wise choice in the event you attack from an angle in which you are not getting critical hits up close, then it would be wise to go in for the kill. However, the Axtinguisher is also more difficult to use due to the lack of the airblast, you won’t be able to push your enemies into a position where you can land the killing blow.

The Hadouken

The Pyro is also a master of a deadly technique from the realm of Street Fighter. By focusing, Pyros can release red hot flames from their palms themselves. This technique is so powerful, that getting caught in its blast will lead the victim to a instant fiery death. Tremble in fear at the Pyros greatest weapon… The Hadouken!

Ok, ok, the hadouken isn’t really a weapon; it is however the Pyros secondary weapon taunt that can deliver a killing blow. With both limited range and usability, it works out better as homage then a full blown tactic. Now, I can’t say I’m adept when it comes to killing enemies with this taunt, however, Don Newman is. I had a discussion with General Balls about Newman and his Pyro skills, he said the following.

*General Balls: You do realise that taunt-kills infuse you with the excess power of the soul that you murdered.
*General Balls: It’s true.
*General Balls: That’s why he’s such a good Pyro.
*General Balls: Because of taunt-killing.

That would certainly explain why Newman is such a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield. After that discussion, I asked Don if he could write some tips and tricks about hadouken for this article: he accepted and here’s what he had to say.

“There are two ways to score successful taunt kills with the pyro. The first is a matter of catching your opponent off-guard. If they are unaware, you can either taunt them while they are stationary (as is the case with snipers), or you can taunt them around tight corners where they do not suspect you and may pass through your line of fire. This approach is most effective when the location of your taunt is somewhere mundane, not near an objective or other major push point in a map. However, taunting repeatedly in the same location is an easy way to make an enemy aware of presence. It is best to infrequently use an ideal position so that they do not anticipate your presence and their impending humiliation.

The other way to score a taunt kill is to take advantage of a player when they cannot move out of the way of your taunt. This often occurs when they themselves are attempting to score a taunt kill and, being the alert and aware player that you are, you avoid their frivolous attempt. Instead, you can turn this situation on its head by taunt-killing them before they escape from their own failed taunt. The same applies to heavies eating sandviches or when the map ends and you have a few seconds to reflect on the scoreboard. If you are close enough to an enemy when the map ends, taunt away! It will be the most embarrassing death they have ever suffered, particularly if they won the map. Taunt killing an enemy in your own spawn can be the silver lining on the cloud of utter shame and defeat you will have already experienced by losing.

Remember; don’t abuse the hadouken in game to try and get kills, it isn’t effective and will most likely cost you your life, so stick with your weapons which were meant for killing.”

The best combination of weapons to use while wielding the Backburner would be the shotgun and the fire axe. The shotgun is more powerful at the close ranges needed while playing the Backburner Pyro; the fire axe gives better power if you are caught up close unexpectedly because you won’t be able to get your enemies where you want them to finish them off with the Axtinguisher. You can still choose to use both the flare and axtinguisher, it all depends on what you feel works better for you.

“Hmbuthhng nn Flhngng”- Ambushing and Flanking

The Backburner was designed to get players to use the Pyro for ambushing; which is what the Pyro is meant to do. Ambushing is crucial tactic for Pyros, especially those that are wielding the Backburner; as that is where it is the most effective. Here are a few tips when it comes to ambushing and flanking.

- Attack from unexpected areas, if the enemy doesn’t see you coming, you are able to deal more damage before they can retaliate. Don’t charge straight into battle, it’s not effective and it makes you look stupid; can you say W + M1?

- Try to outsmart your enemies. If you are spotted by enemies and you can’t win in a face to face confrontation, retreat. Get out of your enemies field of view and try to think of what he / she is expecting you to do. If you act as if you are going one way, they will most likely try to cut you off. Use this to your advantage; take a different route and ambush them with the Backburner.

- When hiding around a corner, make sure you are fully concealed. Remember that your flamethrower extends out in front of you; this can tip enemies off that you are around the corner. Either switch to a smaller weapon that is easier to conceal such as the axe while waiting for enemies to run by, or hide farther back so your flamethrower is fully hidden as well.

- Mix up your routes and hiding places, this works will with the first tip. If you take the same route multiple times or continually use the same hiding places the enemy will most likely catch on and will be prepared for the encounter. Try to find several routes or hiding places and mix them up to be less predicable.

By utilizing these tactics you can be able to catch groups of enemies off guard and take them out quickly and effectively with minimal resistance.

Thrlduhhrth nn Dhmrmhn – Soldiers and Demomen

Soldiers and Demomen are a lot harder to fight without an airblast to reflect their projectiles. Try not to get caught up in a battle against either of these classes at range, you will be severally outmatched. Try to catch them off guard and get in close so you increase the chances of winning the battle without sustaining too much damage. If you are caught in a battle against either of these classes at range, don’t try to win as you are severally overpowered when it comes to ranged weaponry. Try to get them to an area where they will be more susceptible to your flamethrower and shotgun; it would also be good to take pot shots at the enemy with your ranged weapon while retreating so you can damage them before they get in to close. Don’t forget that you can destroy those pesky sticky bombs by shooting them with your shotgun; take out the trap and catch the Demoman off guard.

In the most recent class update for TF2 we saw the Soldier and Demoman going head on in a War. While the Soldier came out triumphant, his new unlocks don’t make him that much of a different threat to the Pyro, seeing as his only new weapon that is a threat to you is the Direct Hit. You won’t have much of a chance at range against a DH Soldier, try to take pot shots at him with your shotgun or flare gun and run away.

The Demoman however has a completely new bag of tricks at his disposal, the biggest being his new close combat gear, the combination of the Chargin’ Targe and the Eyelander. With this combination, Demomen are now more resilient to all your flame based weaponry, taking only 50% of the damage. His new toys also allow him to chase you down by giving him a charge attack, as well as a speed boost by killing enemies with his sword. If you are in a fight with a Demoman who is wielding these weapons, make sure to keep your distance. Try to set him on fire and take him out with your shotgun or a swift melee attack (best recommended if you use the axtinguisher). Remember, is shield protects against fire, not bullets or melee.

“Uhn crncluthuhrn” – In conclusion

I hope you found this article insightful and that maybe you gained some new respect when it comes to wielding the Backburner. Don’t instantly regard those using this weapon as a “noob”, because who knows, you might end up feeling the tingle of critical flames running up your spine when you least suspect it.

Special thanks to Don Newman for his contribution and help, and to Tygrys for creating some of the pictures in this article.

Indulge me dear reader; just the other day I was playing a game of Team Fortress Two with my good companion Sir Tygrys when an observation was made. Checking the scoreboards, one notices that many of you are sporting digital avatars that are ill-fitting for such a Gentle Manne’s game.

Now perhaps you can get away with this shameful display on other counties of the Internet, but this is Ubercharged; my companion and I agreed we must do something about it.

And so Sir Tygrys, being a master of the arts, began work producing a collection of Team Fortress 2 inspired portraits tailored for Gentle Menne with an eye for the latest in style. Before presentation I must insist that neither of us will be held responsible if, upon glancing these works of art, your monocle falls into your tea.

But without further ado allow me to present to you our works, complete with the accompanying press release from the newly formed T&T Industries:

T&T Industries is happy to announce the release of our very own avatar pack, more precisely the ‘T&T Industries Classy Classes Avatar Pack’.

This pack was specially designed for all of you who understand the need to be classy in all your digital ventures. This splendid pack comes in two styles: BLU and RED, to suit individual customer preferences. You will find that they have been readily scaled down to 184×184 pixels, so they are immediately ready to use on Steam the very moment you download them to your drive.

All of these spiffing avatars were made by two masters of fine art – Sir Tygrys Murdock and Sir Tesla Sherbonk, with extra thanks to Sir Dont for improving the quality of the original images. Should you encounter either of them during your exploits in digital space, be sure to bid them thanks; they’ll be ecstatic to hear their work is appreciated.

Now go ahead and enjoy this fine art as we have prepared for you.

Remember our motto – quality is of the utmost importance and we strive to satisfy all of our customers.

Signed: T&T Industries Chairman of marketing

Willbur McTrackingster

You can download the newly improved v2 pack HERE, thanks to our friend Dont. You may also wish peruse the full sized imagery whilst you await the cheeseboard. Lastly, to those of you whom have no interest in showing some class, may I perchance interest you in a job sweeping out my chimney?

So the new update has been live for a couple of days now. It brought us some cool and highly annoying unlocks (especially the Eyelander – I hate that frickin’ thing) but it also changed the normal TF life for us. And here I want to tell you what has changed for the fire–loving maniac – the Pyro – and some tips on how to better survive in this explosive madness.

Chapter 1: The Black Scotsmen

Well, most importantly, you still have to dodge Grenades and watch out for Sticky carpets. But besides that, the ways of fighting melee Demomen has changed; wild Scotsmen are charging around with their swords and it’s easier to survive the new Sticky Launcher. So let’s get straight to the point.

Eyelander + Chargin’ Targe combo

For some odd reason a WOODEN targe gives the Demoman protection against flames, so forget about using your Flamethrower (but not entirely). First things first: throw away the Flare Gun if you’re using it. Sure, sniping people from far away and pissing off those damned Snipers sure is fun, but it won’t help you defeat the Scotsmen. So instead equip the old but reliable Shotgun and listen to this. When you see a Demoman dumb enough to charge you, let him taste your Shotty. By the time he’s halfway to you he should be pretty much dead. Although if he isn’t, don’t go for a fair melee fight. Step aside and when he flies past you, puff him with your Flamethrower, airblast him, and as he tries to kill some air swinging his sword wildly, run up to him and greet him with your Axtinguisher. Congratulations! You achieved your objective of killing him without him even touching you, and also caused some MASSIVE rage from his side. Even if he has only either the Eyelander or the Chargin’ Targe, the same advice applies.

The Scottish Resistance

Now this one is fun to fight against. You see, the Demoman can’t randomly detonate his Stickies when he has this unlock equipped. He has to actually aim at them. So this gives us a perfect opportunity to pass the field without much fighting. Just check your surroundings and if you don’t see any Demomen staring at the Stickies you’re about to cross, you’re pretty much free to go. If, however, you spot a Demoman who’s seen you there are two ways of dealing with it. First option – find an alternate route. Second option – if he’s close enough, you should try to scare him off with your Shotgun. If he’s within medium range, he’ll retreat after three or four hits screaming for a Medic, and you’ll be free to pass.

Chapter 2: The American Civilian Soldier

Yeah, this fellah here will actually change your play style a little, mainly due to one of his new unlocks – the Direct Hit. This will force you to be a little bit more stealthy than you were before, because you won’t be able to charge around as freely as you could before the update. But… that’s pretty much it. Anyway:

The Direct Hit

As I mentioned before, you will be forced to be more aware of the enemy Soldiers. This is because of the speed at which the missile from this weapon travels and the damage it deals when you’re hit. Sure, it’s still possible to reflect these rockets, but it’s really hard. Think of airblasting a Hunstman arrow. It’s really similar in this case. Second thing – damage. Even when you’ve lost just 30 HP you can be one shotted by the Soldier. Moreover, if you even just jump and the rocket hits you, it will count as an airshot and will give the Soldier a minicrit which will instagib you- even at full health. So pretty much the only semi–safe way of fighting this weapon is by catching Soldiers off guard from a place where they can’t see you or ambushing them. Also, when doing so try to not jump if it’s not necessary. That random rocket may hit you and kill you. You can also try to fight him with your Shotgun at medium range, but it isn’t really effective. So be aware of these enemies, as they’re one of the toughest foes you will run into (for now – until a possible update to the unlocks comes out).

The Equalizer a.k.a. the Imbalizer

Well this one is one hell of a overpowered unlock here. When you’re below 40 HP you instakill every class that has 150 HP and less AND on top of that your speed is raised to that of a Scout. But despite all of that it is pretty easy to fight simply because when you see a Soldier dashing at you with his Equalizer out, you just know that he’s really low on health. So again you pull out your old, reliable Shotgun and load him full of buckshot when he comes into medium range. Usually one shot is more than enough to kill such a threat. However if he catches you off guard at close range you’re pretty much dead unless you have catlike reflexes and you can turn around and kill him in the very second he hits you.

Now before you complain about it in the comments, I didn’t cover the Buff Banner or the Gunboats because they aren’t really weapons. The Buff Banner is a “weapon” that affects teammates so think of it as a glorified Jarate. Fight it the same ways you fight when you’re covered in piss – just hide and wait till the effect wears off and then go and kill ‘em.

So good luck, fellow Pyros, and kill as many of those damned explosive using classes as you can.

Oh, and Merry Christmas from Central Europe to all you Uberchargers out there!

Thanks to Tesla Tank for the title as I couldn’t come up with anything good.

Yesterday, 8:30 am. We were already done with out group drills and were onto individual exercises. There I was, trying to maintain a decent sentry, under suppressive fire. But that was not the goal of the exercise.

You see, each of us has to be trained to react, to certain situations, in the blink of an eye. All this sustained fire was for distracting me from the focus, the climax of the exercise: the sentry exit.

A time comes in a sentries life when little balls with sticky spiky ends begin accumulating under its steel legs. One sticky, two sticky – you are too late!  A good engineer does not count stickies but abandons ship and jumps away as soon as possible. That was what I was being conditioned with.

Others get their own exercises. For example that ape, Heavy, has to keep moving and dodging without thinking. Oh wait, he does not think usually. So his exercises makes him think AND dodge.

He has to play chess, against a chess robot *ahem* I designed. Out in the open with several snipers trying to put an arrow into his big but mushy head. Oh and he has to carry a drunk Demoman, who has to be taken to the bathroom every so often – or he will relieve himself atop Heavy, who has to beat the chess robot and keep that alcohol drenched (did I mention also flammable?) Scot alive. You will notice the automated chess player is made up of body parts belonging to a former employee of ours. A former employee who was “check mated”.

Then, Pyro, that freak has it easy. She’s told that one of our spawn rooms is infested with butterflies and she has to stay in there until she torches them all. In reality there are no butterflies, her goggles are so dirty that anywhere she looks she sees little random dots around her. She goes on for hours before her gas and her battery dies out. The Administrator thought of this unique exercise to wear her out, or else that hyperactive wacko won’t let anyone sleep during the mandatory afternoon recess (once she mumbled the first two seconds of TF2 theme over and over for two hours!). Of course our beloved and resourceful Administrator would not let go of all that gas and physical enthusiasm.

The “Butterfly Room”, shortly after its inception, became a conditioning training ground for Spy. He has to stay cloaked, and, do I really need to say, unlit, until “all the butterflies are cleared” (in Pyro’s head, they may be, quite literally). Of course that would be too easy. He also has to listen to and memorize the “Shakespeariclesean Play of the Day” on the radio (his watch can pick up AM radio stations, I swear, it’s true!). Then he has to re-enact flawlessly the whole play for us and the Administrator, in the cafeteria before lunch is served. One slip of the tongue, he gets a lashing, and his meal is given to Heavy (who still eats the plates and the silverware out of hunger anyway).

Ah yes, what was I saying? Oh yes, the sentry exit yesterday. I was fixing my sentry. My senses were keen, my eyes sharp. There came the first sticky. My cue to dash out. But I could not get out in time.

See, ever since last Saturday’s Cafeteria update (which is an internal update, you would not  know), the quality of food drastically increased, with fewer poisonings and reduced occurrence of bloody diarrhoea. I have been told that my figure was getting a bit rounder and softer. So there I was, short of breath, trying to get my chubby buttocks over the dispenser. I got fat! Ah, big time fail.

I am a practical man. Not a muscle man. I am not going to the gym (it smells anyway). I shall have my food, AND my exit. I have been thinking since yesterday and I thought I would share my solution with you.

First I wanted to design a spring board that would eject me up, and away. But obviously flying and falling on a full tummy is neither fun nor a pleasant sight. Then I came up with a fun idea; my own little air compressor gun!

It kind of works like Pyro’s airblast, but more precise. Imagine a thin stream of compressed air. No? Then imagine relieving your bowels through a thin, long pipe. Fun, right?

From early field trials, I can happily say that it can push stickies far far away, and reflect rockets and arrows alike. It is a bit too precise to push back people or put out flames, but that was not the point anyway. Oh and I added a kicker – an air horn! When my tank is full of compressed air I can let it out through the horn and WHHAAAA? Everyone around me is startled. Some jump up, turn around in sudden excitement, or twitch and fire their weapons. I have seen heavies revving up their guns nervously, demos blowing up their stickies prematurely, and spies uncloaking accidentally.

I am not sure if the Administrator is going let me keep it. If worst comes to worst I will be assigned “Officer for Bathroom Hygiene” for a month. Not as bad as “Manager of TP Recycling”, the title Scout held for 11 months, for “portraying the Administrator in negative light via spoken language”.

Alas, there is a price to pay for every single thing that is fun.

And such is life.

I am one of those people that rants when he keeps getting killed by a pyro. I fully admit to that, and I admit to it without guilt because when I stop playing, I realize that it’s my fault the pyro ever killed me. Unfortunately, some people don’t see that light. They see him as “W+M1! Noob class! RAAAAAAEEEEGGGGG!” but never admit that pyro is a difficult class to play. Let’s take a look, shall we?

What makes a Pyro so easy to hate?

You may recall way back when Clank stated that afterburn from the pyro’s flamethrower does sixty damage alone. This, according to the tf2wiki,, is true, and is one reason that the pyro is hated–the strong afterburn, which goes on for six seconds, and any smart pyro will lay shotgun/flare gun fire on you as you run, so it’s a bit inaccurate to say that 60 damage is all you’ll take in afterburn damage after facing a pyro.

Another thing the Pyro is hated for is his dps (damage per second). The flamethrower fires at 22.5 particles per second, each particle dealing 4 to 6.8 damage per particle, depending on range. That means the flamethrower, at point blank range, deals 153 damage per second. That means that the Pyro can kill five classes in less than a second, and is capable of killing two classes is approximately seven or eight seconds (153 close range + afterburn, assuming the pyro is killed while laying down the initial 153 damage). So basically, the pyro deals a lot of damage really quickly.

Lastly, a pyro could be hated for his stale style of gameplay. Surely, we’re all familiar with the W+M1 method of Pyro, where a Pyro relies entirely on the W and Mouse 1 keys to play. While this can be entertaining for some, this makes the pyro seem less skillful than other classes like the soldier and demoman. Obviously, as with any other class, there are some extremely skillful pyros (such as the well-known Don Newman)

What’s to not hate about the Pyro?

As stated above, the pyro does a lot of damage in a little bit of time. I probably stated those details in a manner that makes the pyro seem OP. But, surprise, he’s not. Let’s take a look.

The Pyro is the close range/ambush class. The only exception to him being close range is his flare gun, and that’s not a good long range weapon, it does 13-15 damage on impact with six seconds afterburn, a total of maximum 75 damage. Most of the time, it’s used to annoy enemies to run to the nearest health pack and annoy snipers. So, the Pyro is almost entirely close range. That means the Pyro has to get really close to you to reach its full potential. If you can’t spot the close range class running towards you, you’re doing something wrong. A good player is fully aware of his surroundings–mostly for ninjaneers and spies.

Afterburn is a tricky subject. It is surprisingly powerful, and it can easily cause a lot of rage due to the potential of dying right before you get to a health pack or resupply. However, there are a couple of things to consider. When the Spy/Sniper update was initiated, the unlockable weapon Jarate was introduced. Jarate, among other things, was capable of extinguishing fire. After that, an update was made that Pyros can extinguish flames with their compression blast. Heavies have the Sandvich, a transportable health kit that can be used to render the afterburn useless in terms of damage dealt. Every decent team hopefully has at least one medic and at least one engineer who has a dispenser at a minimum level two. Both of which heal at a rate faster than afterburn can destroy. Most medics have the mindset that burning “lit” allies deserve healing the most, then lit allies, then burning allies. With all these to get rid of afterburn’s effects, what’s to complain about?

W+M1 is a tricky subject. Most of the time, that is what a pyro does. He runs ahead, spewing fire everywhere. However, that’s an incredibly legit tactic, and I refer to paragraph one to explain why–Pyro’s still have to get really close to you. Besides, W+M1 is pulled by other classes. I’m looking at you, Heavy Weapons Guy. The Heavy does the very definition of W+M1. And what makes it different from when the pyro does it? Nothing, that’s what. You can’t argue that it’s different because the pyro can move at 100% speed when he spams, because the Heavy’s range (as short as it may be) makes up for his lack of mobility when pursuing targets.

Pyro = Dead.

In summary…

A lot of people that hate the Pyro are only frustrated because there’s a Pyro killing them, otherwise they’re usually quiet about it. Really, the best thing to do when somebody complains about a Pyro is to just do nothing. When somebody becomes frustrated, they are most likely not going to base their arguments on logic. All you really should do is just keep going on, arguing with them is pointless. I hope that I’ve changed some opinions with this article.

Credit to Toakal for once more helping me when I’m out of pictures. (He made the second one.)

The Pyro is one of TF2’s most despised classes.  No other class can bring about this much hate in such a short time span.  Many players feel that the Pyro is over powered, and that Valve should make changes to the class.  So, what exactly is the problem with the Pyro?

Why I loathe the Pyro

Well, let us start out with the most cried out complaint.

The Pyro requires no skill to play

All a Pyro must do is hold their Forward and Primary Attack keys, and the can gain multiple kills and dominations.  Most of the time, these functions are the only things that Pyros will do, and will never stray from these actions.  Heck, any newbie can play a Pyro.

There is no way to counter a Pyro

Scouts are killed in less than a second when attacked by a Pyro.  A Scout would have no time to fight back in close quarters, and thus stand no chance against a Pyro.  Heavies will die in 3 seconds, not enough time to rev up the Minigun and fire enough bullets to kill a Pyro.  These classes are designed to be flame bait for the Pyro.

Pyros will never stop chasing a Spy

Pyros will go out of their way to flame every single crevice in the map, and will not stop looking for a Spy until he is burnt black.  They live to make Spies’ lives a living hell, and exist for your pain.

Afterburn causes 60 damage by itself

A Pyro just needs to light a player once, and a large piece of their health is already gone.  Other classes on the Pyro’s team can shoot the player, who is now a lit up sign of “Shoot me please”, at their own leisure, with confidence that they have a guaranteed kill.

Pyros account for a majority of unexpected deaths

Most of these deaths are due to the quick appearance of a Pyro, and the slow reaction time of the player.  The player has little to no time to fire back at the Pyro, and will have to succumb to seeing another killcam shot of the same Pyro that has killed them many times before.

So, with all these points, Valve should change the Pyro, correct?

Why everything I just said is wrong

Most of  these “reasons” why the Pyro is over powered are the same reasons why the Pyro is such a good class.

The Pyro is an accessible class

New players need to adjust to many features in TF2; Sentries, Ubercharge, the glowing dot on the wall, and the Spy are just a few things that can confuse a new player.  Add techniques like rocket/sticky jumping and the new guys will feel intimidated.  These players need something simple and quick to start off, and the Pyro is that class.

The Pyro is a close quarters class

This is covered in more detail in another article, but to sum up the basics, keep your distance.  If you are playing a Scout, use those things called feet and keep your distance.  Unload all of your ammo outside of the Pyro’s range, and you should be fine.  A Pyro can be killed, but the deciding factor is preparation.

Pyros are the single best way to kill a Spy

Outside of Snipers shooting a wandering cloaked Spy, Pyros are the only good way to kill a Spy.  Sure, that fancy looking Wrench in the Engineer’s hand might do some damage, but he’ll be chasing that Spy for some time while having his buildings sapped.  If the Pyro didn’t exist, Engineers would have a hard time keeping their buildings up, which is already hard enough as of this moment (unless you are building in some far away corner).

Afterburn is controllable

You see, in the land of TF2, there is something magical, called the Medic.  The Medic is your friend, he likes to make all those bullet holes and burn marks go away so you can go on another joyful suicide run.  If there are no Medics on your team, then find the nearest health pack and pick it up.  Scouts are known for having a short lifespan, so if you are playing a Scout and get lit, run into a health pack.  With the Scout’s speed, you should be able to make it in time for another Bonk-ing spree.  Go get ‘em, slugger!

Pyros were designed to be an ambush class

Sure, any player can do the classic Pyro rush of running straight and firing at the same time, but a smart Pyro goes behind enemy lines and attacks them from where they are not expecting.  “But Bluefire”, one might argue, “how am I supposed to counter this?  I’m not given a chance to fight back.”  Well, how is this situation any different than a Spy backstab?  You get killed instantly either way, so dealing with an ambushing Pyro should be no different than dealing with a Spy, just check behind yourself every now and then.  Once you have spotted them, you’ve disarmed them by removing their only advantage, surprise.  Just remember not to go after them with your melee weapon.

So, what should be changed about the Pyro?  Absolutely nothing.  The Pyro was made to be an accessible class for new players, and any problems created by the Pyro can be countered quite easily if you know what your class’ limits are and where the nearest source of health is.

Seems more balanced now, doesn’t it?

That’s it. It’s been a week. I’m posting this.

Before I start, I want to mention that this is in no way a definitive post on what should be done with TF2 and the mechanics of said game. These are my opinions, and mine alone, and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Feel free to comment, though.

Anyway, I was on LoR the other day and was wondering to myself “If I were an employee at Valve and I were one of the guys changing the weapons to improve the game (FaN buff anyone?), what would I do?” So I went through the equipment, one by one, and here is a list. If it’s not mentioned, I don’t think it needs changing, but feel free to give your opinions anyway.

Yes, it’s another one of those articles.

Each change will be rated out of five, with 1 being “completely unnecessary change,” 3 being “could work,” and 5 being “great idea, methinks.”

Scout

So I’m going to leave the Scattergun and the FaN alone, firstly because the Scattergun is fine, and secondly because you need perfect aim (not hard at point blank, though) to get that 2 shot kill-anything-but-the-Heavy strikes, which balances it somewhat I suppose. That was a pretty uninspired buff, really.

Pistol
Just about perfect, although a lot of times I find myself wishing I had more ammo, especially when playing soccer. Perhaps Valve could increase the ammo count by one or two clips, although I’m not sure what this would do to balance, particularly in scrims.
Rating: 2 out of 5

BONK! Atomic Punch
Now this thing right here is somewhat of a problem. It’s mostly a gimmicky escape tool, and no really good Scout would surrender his (or her) pistol for a slim chance at escaping (the enemy can easily chase you down). It is DEFINITELY not doing much to fulfil its original goal: to allow Scouts to bypass their #1 nemesis, the sentry. Only a handful of situations sees actual use (distracting a sentry, mostly).

Solution 1: Reduce the slowdown after-effect a little so that Scouts still have a fighting chance, maybe 100%? Speed is their primary weapon, after all, and most who don’t escape to a safe place are easily mowed down anyway.
Rating: 2 out of 5

Solution 2: Allow an alternate fire that causes you to slow down initially, THEN get invulnerability. This would help with the original conception of giving Scouts access to areas previously blocked by sentries. To make up for this, you will be slowed down for ten seconds, with no notice of when the invuln starts. Alternatively, we could have 6-8 seconds of slowdown beforehand, then only have 2 or so seconds after the invuln. Cannot be stopped once activated.
Rating: 3 out of 5

The Sandman
Ahh, yes, the controversial child; now more balanced, although it’s still incredibly irritating to get hit with (and incredibly giggly to use), and still banned from CEVO. However, there’s something on my mind that I’m sure a lot have been thinking of; bind mouse1 to attack with the bat and mouse2 to launch the ball, instead of the current system.
Rating: 5 out of 5

Soldier

Ah yes, the crazy one. I see no necessary or even interesting changes to the class. Dismissed!

Pyro

Now here’s a class I grief  about along with the Scout. However, unlike the Scout, I find it takes a fair bit less skill to use, and is far too rewarding for what it is. A higher skill ceiling and floor platform would be nice to have.

So, here’s my proposals.

Flamethrower
Idea 1: The Compression Blast is ridiculously fun to use, indeed it is, and is very annoying when you face a Pyro who’s actually skilled with who actually uses it. But it’s still the Pyros main, and a pain to encounter. Remember the old, broken, incredibly overpowered Ambassador? Unlike the tough weapon to use it is today, that is what is being used by the flamethrower. I’m not saying we get rid of that though. That would be stupid.

I recommend a slight reduction of the flames hitbox to fit the animations, so that Pyros will actually have to aim more and spam less in order to win their kills. The advantage? Compression blasts take 5 less ammo to use, giving you a total of 10 on a full tank. I’m (partially) sure many would approve.

It would also match the actual animations we see. Even if not, at the very least, change those animations to match what the Pyro can actually do.

Yes, I know the music is weird. Shut up.
Rating: 3 out of 5

The Backburner
This one. Yes… this one.

Well, here’s the deal. Many, many, MANY Pyros use it. And not really “use” it, so much as equip it.

The thing is, too many equip it over the flamethrower because of the occasional free crits and the fact that they never use the airblast anyway (the stingy, teamworkless, usually unskilled twits). Very few actually try ambushing and flanking the original Pyro was made for, and the Backburner was made for, and I guess I don’t blame them too much.

The solution? Originally thought up by Christopher Livingston (creator of Concerned) on his (old) (abandoned) TF2 comic blog 1Fort, this involved reducing the backburners range somewhat and slightly increasing it’s cone of fire + hitbox for crits. The benefits? You can attack bigger groups with it, IF you use it right,  while reducing the number of DURR HURR MUST CHARGE ENEMY type Pyros that consume so many games. I really thought this was a neat idea, number crunching notwithstanding.
Rating: 4 out of 5

Alternatively, reduce the damage from the front, I dunno. 1 out of 5.

Generic flamethrower idea
Make the flamethrowers have to connect with a certain amount of an enemy’s model before it sets him alight. Still does regular damage if you don’t connect enough, but Pyros would also have to do more than touch the enemy for the free 50-60 damage.
What? It could work.
Rating: 2 out of 5

The Flare Gun

This is my beloved in my 70-80 odd hours as Pyro. I love grabbing the attention of Snipers, and setting people on fire at a distance, and it’s not terribly easy to use either (like the flamethrowers). However, a recent update came out; the reverse damage falloff is gone, but it now mini crits enemies that are already on fire.

This I’m not too a big fan of because:
1) I was toataly MLG prO wif flare wepon at long raenge
2) The mini crit requires that the enemy be on fire, and it does 10 extra damage.

The 10 extra damage helps, I suppose, but I’m still not buying it. I could get 10 extra damage easily enough by spamming flames wildly in the enemy’s general direction. 50, in fact. Flaregun meh, revert plz Velav.
Rating: 2 out of 5

Fireaxe

That is all.

Demomahn

Ahh, the controversial Demoman. My 2nd most played class, and one of my favorites. What’s there to change?

In honesty, although I wasn’t in TF2 from the beginning (August of last year), I agree with most, if not all of Valve’s nerfs. 6 grenades would have been way too spammy, as would 32 spare shots (if my sources are right). Stickies would completely lock out areas, and merely moving them takes forever without an airblast (and that’s assuming they’re on the floor), so it’s only right that they can be destroyed (and they can’t be destroyed easily save Heavies). Having grenades explode on ANY contact (if GB isn’t lying) creates a lot of fear (and spam). And sticky spamming is prevalent, so the close range damage nerf was alright (although the least inspired/goodideaish of the nerfs)

What can I bring to the table, then? Sticky spamming is still common, although any Demoman who relies purely on stickies is at a big disadvantage in my point of view. So, perhaps an increase to 5 grenades and a reduction to 7 stickies, or even 6/6? It could work. Maybe. Not all that important, though, come to think of it.
Rating: 2 out of 5

The Heavy

Natasha
DON’T BE JEALOUS, SASHA.

I still find this gun to be woefully underused, due in part to a couple of mistakes (the initial 66% damage miscode before the Scout update and the speed reduction during the Scout update being 25% instead of 75%). So, what’s one to do?

I can’t really tell, to be honest. The better Heavies can aim well enough to kill without needing slowdown to make it easier. It needs to be played a more teamwork style, as mentioned earlier, but then the Heavy is already quite deadly when played together with a team, whichever weapon he uses (not to say that ninja heavies aren’t a threat). Helps ‘gainst Scouts & Pyros, but that’s most of it.

Thoughts?

The KGB

Honestly, who uses the fists after this except for being generally awesome with taunt kills? What heavy uses melee, in fact? How about making the fists always do mini crits?
Rating: 2 out of 5

And that concludes this 1500 word rant! Part dos on the Engineer through to the Spy will be coming out soon*.

Please discuss with civility.

Clank out. ~~

…then you are in one of two groups:

A) Those people who play for ages, yet get beat by these idiots. Those are the people who complain the most about pyro to make excuses for how bad they are.

B) Those people who are new and are stilling getting the hang of the game. It is reasonable at this point to have a little trouble with the W+M1 pyros.

But, what ARE W+M1 pyros?

W+M1 Pyros are those who play Pyro that simply kamikaze you invariably, holding down W (Forward) and M1 (Left-click). No strafing, no trying to outwit the other player, no thought given to the fact that YOU ARE CHARGING INTO A BLOODY GIANT WITH A SPINNING MINI-GUN THAT SHREDS ANYTHING THAT IS CLOSE TO IT TO PIECES. They are half-wits, people that shouldn’t get any kills. Sadly, many people can’t beat these, amazingly, and succumb to the flames. There are plenty of people that, despite the fact that they have played for months, have lost to them. More often than not, they cry out for the pyro to be weakened, to be “nerfed”. Those are the people in Group A.

Those that have just started playing are often killed by them as well, but that is perfectly reasonable. They often just need a little bit of help, some tips in completely neutralize the W+M1 pyro threat. This guide shall do that for you.

Anyway, onto the actual guide itself…

We’re going to look at all the classes and show techniques and tactics for those classes that’ll help you against W+M1 pyros (And, in fact, damn near everyone else, so feel free to apply these tips ANYWHERE.):

Scout vs. W+M1 pyro

Scouts should try and stay in large outdoor areas (Preferably near medkits ie. Gravel Pit), “patrolling” the area if you will, which puts the pyro at a severe disadvantage because of their short range and your distance. In indoor areas, this short range doesn’t matter as much, as speed is no use if you have no area to move in.

To beat Pyros, you should stay JUST outside the range of the flamethrower and pound the pyro with your scattergun. The pyro will easily go down in just 2 or 3 rounds. Also, try circling around the Pyro, running back and forth. When at medium distance, use your pistol. Force-A-Nature is ideal against pyros, because it knocks them back giving you far more breathing room.

“Jeez, you still trying to catch up with me, mumbling man?!”

Effectiveness: 7 (7.5 If using Force-A-Nature) out of 10

(Very) Easy fight.

Soldier vs. W+M1 pyro

Soldiers WILL win here. They are the counter to pyros, as they have something which will stop any pyro. All you need to do is aim at their feet. Once you do that, they fly straight up into the air losing all momentum. The pyro may as well be stunned for 2 seconds during this because they can’t do anything. Now, you can have a choice. You can fire another rocket at the same place when he lands (Very easy to predict) or go for an awesome air-shot (Not hard at all, because as I said, the pyro flys slowly into the air, straight up. You only have to lead your shots a little.) Also, you can rocketjump away from the pyro if you don’t think you’ll win.

“This is my world. I DON’T LIKE MUTES IN MY WORLD.”

Effectiveness: 8.5 out 10

Soldier will most likely win here.

Pyro vs. W+M1 Pyro

When you face a W+M1 Pyro, you should run back, strafing left and right and maybe circling around the other pyro. Once you start flaming each other, it’ll usually come down to whoever keeps the opponent in their crosshairs the most. Due to the W+M1 Pyro’s predictable pattern, you’ll most likely win. Also, you can easily airblast them away (If you’re using the normal flamethrower) and use the shotgun, and they’ll go down with 2 shots. Don’t underestimate the shotgun.

“Thhrh chn rnly bh rnh flhmhthrrwhr-wuhhldng mhnuhhc hrrund hhrh, nn uht’th thurh hth hhll nrt grng tr bh yru!”

Effectiveness: 8 out of 10

Easy fight.

Demoman vs. W+M1 Pyro

Your normal Grenade Launcher will kill a Pyro in two shots. Just lead your shots and it’ll be easy. Also, you should always place a couple of stickies somewhere as a fall-back point, then move forward with Grenade launcher into the battle zone. Once people start attacking you, run back to your stickies with them chasing you (Usually a W+M1 Pyro) and blow the stickies up. If you are REALLY desperate, go for your bottle of scrumpy.

“Looks like you’re in for some of my homemade explosives, ‘ey laddie?”

Effectiveness: 8 out of 10.

Very easy fight.

Heavy vs. W+M1 Pyro

Put simply, your Mini gun will rip anything near it to shreds. There is no problem here, you merely have to watch your back in case you face a good pyro who tries to ambush you. Natashcha is even better, as it’s slowdown effect will completely neuter the pyro’s speed. Remember though, keep a eye on your medic – He’s only got needles as a gun, so if he gets ambushed, you need to be quick to save him.

“Why does LEETLE man think he can charge man with MINIGUN?!”

Effectiveness: 10 out of 10.

No contest.

Engineer vs. W+M1 pyro

Pyro will most likely win here, but if you use your shotgun well enough and run away, you COULD win. Also, using pistol when they are far away works well. A good tip is to entice the W+M1 pyro to chase after you, right into the sight of your sentry, especially if you are dying. Wrench CAN work if you’re desperate, but don’t count on it. If caught by yourself, the pyro will most likely win. However, the engineer shouldn’t be in that situation because he should be behind a sentry gun that’ll rip Pyros to pieces, and dispenser to heal any afterburn damage.

“Let me show you my heavy caliber, tripod-mounted, little ‘ol number designed by me…”

Effectiveness: 5 out of 10

By yourself, it’ll be hard, but that situation shouldn’t come up anyway.

Medic vs. W+M1 pyro

First of all, you shouldn’t have a problem with pyros if your healing target is decent. If you were ambushed, then you weren’t attacked by a W+M1 pyro, you were attacked by a clever Pyro, so always look behind you for them. Anyway, you can often run away with a blutsauger, using your health-leeching needles to counterreact the afterburn. However, if you think you can outrun them, turn around and run, since backpedalling is slower than moving forward. *Thanks to Dr. Milkard*

“Look, my friend here was willing to try out my new treatment: EXTREME ACUPUNCTURE!”

Effectiveness: 6.5 out of 10

Absolutely no problems if you have a good teammate. If ambushed, use the tactics described above this.

Sniper vs W+M1 pyro

If you’re using the normal sniper rifle, you’re most likely dead if a pyro comes up to you. With the Huntsman however, you have a fighting chance. With only 2 seconds to charge the arrow to full power, you’ll be able to get a good chance at headshotting them. If you’re have Jarate, use it, you’ll need that extra damage and it’ll give you a bit of slack if you don’t headshot. If you’re REALLY desperate, you can Jarate them, and charge in with kukri. Really, if you’re out by your lonesome and caught by a pyro, you’re most likely dead, so stay in sight of your teammates. By the way, you can throw jarate at your feet to put your flames, and do remember to put out anyone on your team with it (Although they’ll most likely hate you for covering them in piss.)

“Oh, bloody hell, how did I get ambushed by him?!”

4(6 if using Huntsman) out of 10

Hard fight, although it’s easier with Huntsman.

Spy vs. W+M1 pyro

Use your revolver and run off. Surprisingly effective, with only 3 shots to kill meaning you should be able to win. With the Ambassador you can take them down in two headshots, which is brilliant. Remember that both guns have a punch, especially at close range. If all else fails, try circling behind them and backstabbing. Also, don’t forget about the Dead Ringer – It’s fantastic  because when you use it it puts out flames, and even if you get set on fire while cloaked with it, you won’t take afterburn damage, which is extremely useful.

It’s DEFINITELY a challenge, but you’ll most likely win if you got some distance and there is no other enemies.

“Burn in hell, you mumbling abomination!”

4 (5 if using Ambassador; add 1 if you have Dead Ringer.) out of 10

(Trust me, sometimes I’ll substitute the revolver for a knife. Actually works.)

The Mechanics of afterburn

One of the things that annoy people the most is the afterburn. Once you get touched by flames, you’ll be set on fire and take 50-60 damage during a period of 10 seconds. However, don’t worry, since there are many things stopping afterburn:

• Medics: Obvious choice, once they latch on to you with your medigun, your health will go up instantly and after a second it will extinguish the flames.
• Dispenser: Same as medic, however, it’s slightly less effective.
• Medkits: Each kind of medkit (Small medkit gives you 15% health, medium medkit gives you 50% health and large medkit gives you 100% health) will extinguish your flames immediately.
• Airblast: If a friendly pyro airblasts you, it’ll extinguish flames.
• Jarate: While the enemy wouldn’t even piss on you to stop you burning, your teammates are more than happy to throw jars of urine at you to extinguish those flames!
• Water: Do I need to explain this?

General tips

- Remember that the afterburn from the flames does 50-60 damage over a period of 10 seconds, so if you’re taking too much damage, run for a medkit. They will extinguish the flames IMMEDIATELY and will heal most of the damage.

- Just run away and fire, no matter what your class is. You’ll win most of the time JUST by doing this.

- While most W+M1 pyros don’t have the presence of mind to use airblast, the better pyros can use a airblast to reflect your projectiles, so watch out for that.

- Remember, n water, the pyro becomes useless.

How can I play as a good pyro?

I’m not going to get too far into this, since there is many videos out there to show you how to do this (Which I’ll link to, don’t worry.) I’ll give you a quick rundown of the things you should do:

- Always try to attack from the back or side. If the enemy(ies) know that you’re there, you’ll go down quickly.

- Remember that you don’t have kill all of the enemies in one shot. Just ambushing from the side, spraying a quick burst of flame, and running off is extraordinarily effective, and once the enemies start running off for health, you can come in from a different angle and finish them off. Remember, afterburn is your friend.

-If the enemy is at range, use your shotgun. It is very useful against the enemies that running for health after you flamed them.

-Just recently, the Flare gun got a buff, with it doing mini-crits if you hit someone who is already on fire, which makes it far better.

Anyway, here’s a good general gameplay video guide that shows you how to play as pyro:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGIISxhYRYE

Also, I can’t stress enough how useful the airblast is. Here’s a guide to using it:

http://www.ubercharged.net/?s=magnetro

Conclusions

I hope you enjoyed this guide and will now lay waste to those mute, mysterious fools. You’ll get more score, you’ll last much longer and will get a lot more kills.

That is all.

Okay, ignore all this stuff I’ve told you about being a good pyro. Using your airblast, other tools, avoiding W+M1…it’s wrong. Just follow Hamps’s guide to skillfull pyroing.

1) Remove all the keys on your keyboard.
2) Re-add W.
3) Pull out the right mouse button of your mouse.
4) Play Pyro.

A worse movie for motion blur there is not.

It was a sunny, beautiful day. The noise of the distant morning commute could be heard for miles, and the wind swept throughout the outskirts of town. The grass grew, the birds flew, and the sun shone.

However, there was nothing beautiful about the carnage taking place during that day. The sun itself was a witness to yet another bloodbath spilled daily near the two bases owned by two major corporations.

There was a ferocious battle taking place in Dustbowl. BLU team was pushing into RED territory, and RED soon found itself holding on desperately to their last control point. The Heavy had waddled his way back into a corner of the control point with the Medic strafing around him to prevent any future backstabs. The Soldier and the Demoman were waiting at the entrance for the enemy. The Engineer was already fixing up his buildings in a snug little corner. And the  Spy and Pyro were making their regular rounds about the possible entrance routes.

As arrows flew and the Spy came back with the smell of burnt hair and clothing, the Heavy noticed the BLU sniper was aggressively attacking him with his new weapons. However, where was their sniper? And where’s that little baby man?

None of this, though, bothered the two gentlemen who had ditched the action for the relative peace at Gravelpit. In fact, they were sitting on a control point miles away, having their own little picnic.

The Sniper got out merely because of an excuse about his bladder. After convincing the Medic that all he needed was a trip to the bathroom (and not surgical removal with the bonesaw), he hopped into his van and sped off to rendezvous with the Scout, who complained that his ball had flown out of the fence and he had to go retrieve it. Poor excuses, but nobody missed the two. The battle went on without them.

So it was, the Sniper and the Scout having a dainty little picnic under the shade from their umbrella.

“Beer?”

“Nah. I prefer tacos.”

The two sat back, listening to the noises of gunfire and explosions in the distance. Occasionally, the Sniper would go on a high perch and “fire” off a few arrows in the general direction of the noises while the Scout would hit his balls (he found a couple of Sandmen on the way). That way, they could claim that they were “part of the action.”

Crunch, crunch

The Sniper’s ear quickly picked up on the noise. He quickly reached under the picnic blanket for his kukri.

Instead of an open confrontation, he received a faceful of gravel that stung his face.

“Hey!”

The Scout brushed at his face, upset at the annoyance. “Gravel? What a nuisance!”

Suddenly, a BLU spy appeared right before their eyes. Dressed in a blue pinstripe suit, he looked far too well-cut to kick gravel in somebody’s face. He carried a gold watch in his left hand, instead of his normal gray watch. He looked at the duo with sheer disgust.

The Spy sneered. “Haw haw haw, what are you going to do? Run five miles and shoot me?”

“Ye-; No…” The Sniper was at a loss for words. How did he know? With his severely underpowered submachine gun, he could not fight at close range combat effectively. His kukri was ineffective at dealing with someone who actually knew how to fight hand-to-hand.

The Scout, however, had no trouble dealing with those “dime-a-dozen backstabbing scumbags.” With a single blast of his scattergun, the sneering gentleman instantly fell to the ground. And died.

The Sniper took off his hat to pay his respects. How often did the Spy go down so quickly?

“Not often enough.”

The last thing the Sniper saw was a silver revolver with a huge barrel and engravings on its side. He also heard the Spy’s signature cackle, the laugh that told him that he had been backstabbed once again. How did he know?

And then the blood poured out from his head.

* * *

The Sniper sat in his van, feeling miserable at his failure. Not only did a BLU spy dispatch him and the Scout, he had been chastised severely for playing hooky. Obviously, somebody noticed and tattled, although it might have been one of those cameras that she installed everywhere, from the dorms to the latrines.

How did she know?

He remembered the chastisement from the Announcer. He had been summoned after he and the Scout bought some tacos from the taco truck outside of their dorms.

*FZZT* SNIPER PLEASE REPORT TO THE OFFICE *FZZT*

He knew what to expect. The middle-aged lady sat in her arm chair, back facing the Sniper. The lack of lighting only made it seem more ominous. The stench of her cigarette was overpowering.

“Tell me, why did you skip out on the match?”

The Sniper’s Adam’s apple bobbed.

“Well?”

He scratched his head. Time to use the excuse that he had used so often. “Well…nobody seems to think much of me, ma’am. I mean, they claim I hang back too much, and-”

She waved and cut him off. “I’ve given you two unlockables already. The Huntsman and the Razorback. If you can’t make use out of them, then I don’t see what use I can make out of you!”

She paused. “Get out, and do NOT disappoint me again.“

Now the Sniper was lying on his bed. He couldn’t confront his teammates. Not after he had ditched them. His only refuge now was the pile of comics he had under his bed. Superman, Batman, he loved them. None of them had the merits of Saxton Hale, though.

Saxton Hale. The Australian Alan Quartermaine. That handsome, muscular man with the large amounts of chest hair and incredibly short cut-off pants. He was his childhood hero, his idol and model. And like the Hank Aaron poster in the Scout’s dorm, he had posters of him. Pictures, flyers, comics, even fanfic that he never dared to publish. Whenever the Sniper had a bad day or just plumb was in a bad mood, he turned to Saxton Hale for answers.

He started flipping through his comic book. And there he found his answer.

It was a comic. And not just an ordinary one. It had somebody just like him, bullied around by a troublesome BLU spy. And on the second row, he saw himself, reading a similar comic. It was him, discovering Jarate.

Just like how I am learning about it now breathed the Sniper in amazement.

Suddenly, he yelped. He kicked a chair across the room. It was all coming to him now. And something happened just then -

He remembered everything. From the ancient Aborigines, he saw the ancient art in his head now. From the ancient ancestors of long past, he understood the guarded secret. And from the Australian blood in his veins, he felt a connection to Saxton Hale – the Australian Chuck Norris. This message was a god-send, and he was now a prophet.

I’ll never have to worry about lack of urinary privileges ever again! thought the Sniper as he cut out the order form and put in the $5 from the allowance money Mum sent him.

* * *

The box came to the Sniper almost two days after he sent the order in. In it were Saxton Hale Jarate pills, a trophy, and a couple of jars. However, the Sniper didn’t read the instructions. Even worse, he didn’t even read the part about the Saxton Hale Pain Tonic. It wasn’t in the box.

The Sniper downed the pills. Within seconds, he felt something near his sides expand. The size of his kidneys tripled as expected. They started filtering his liquid wastes like never before!

After a minute, he had completely filled all four jars. And he still needed more.

He had to keep it a secret though. After all, the instructions had told him to keep this secret art to himself for reasons of “public health and decency.”

It wasn’t easy. He saw the Announcer pop a few aspirins and a few forehead veins after he ran out of a briefing mid-meeting. The Heavy looked at him with an odd look on his face, troubled by the Sniper’s constant running in and out of the dining hall. He told the Engineer to take his night-watchman post, as he could not stay for a few seconds before having to urinate again.

I really gotta buy more jars thought the Sniper as he walked to his van to take a trip to the local convenience store.

Hours later, the Medic came across the moaning and mumbling Sniper, clutching his chest as if he wanted to rip his organs out.

* * *

The Sniper woke up to a world of aches and pains. He felt as if a million little Spies were inside him, puncturing his organs with their butterfly knives. It felt as if his organs were shutting down. He was bedridden and had to be kept under watch 24/7 to prevent his symptoms from getting worse. Only the Sniper’s glassy, pitiful eyes prevented the good Doc from satisfying his curiosity on him.

“He looks awful.”

“Musta been the tacos.”

The Sniper took the trash can and vomited for the 14th time in the day. And most of that vomit was blood, too.

Being between life and death and teetering towards the latter, he thought of his Mum and his Dad. He thought of past memories on the range, living on his own in the outback before he had been taken away to fight for RED. Most importantly, though, he thought of his friends, his teammates that he had abandoned. He should’ve helped him – after all, he was of some importance, right?

“Maybe I should’ve been a doctor like Dad said,” groaned the Sniper as he gave in to his exhaustion.

* * *

White. Was he in heaven? All he could see was white.

He blinked. No. It was some sort of material. What was it?

A paper. It was familiar. As the light reached the Sniper’s eyes, he saw that it was quite colorful. The morning light was going through the paper, filtering the colors from the other side.

He turned it over. It was that same comic, the one he had read back in his trailer. Before he had gotten himself into this mess with that Jarate crap.

How could you, Saxton Hale?

Looking closely at the paper though, he saw discrepancies. The first part of the comic was just the way it was before. However, in the last part of the comic, he saw that the original drawings had been scribbled over. In its place was a crude drawing of figure reminiscent of the BLU Spy. Underneath his feet was a corpse with a knife sticking out of the back. And that corpse was on a hospital bed…

No…

He heard a chuckle. He heard the flicking of a knife. He heard it too often. And for once, he found himself helpless. Even scared.

The BLU Spy flicked his knife once more as he advanced on the bed, carrying with him a sinister aura. The Sniper swore that he could fit a slice of watermelon in the Spy’s smile.

The Sniper got off the bed and backed away. The adrenaline was pumping within him now. He took out his kukri. If he was going to die, he would with his face to the enemy.

The Sniper glared at the Spy. “How did you get in here?”

The Spy smirked. “Your poor fat friend was obviously distracted with his disgusting food. The Sandviches. When I killed him, he found three other sandviches just lying around. Fat got his tongue.”

He lit a cigarette. “I see that you’ve resorted to desperate measures just to defeat me. You disgust me. You were so gullible, falling for that lowbrow ruse I called Jarate.”

The Sniper’s jaw dropped. “How did you know?”

“I sneaked into your trailer. I gave you something from your so-called childhood hero, Saxton Hale, who is obviously in financial trouble. I mean, who would charge people $5 just to teach them how to piss in a jar?

“The truth is, I did it to humiliate you. What would the world think of a the great “Adelaide Assassin”? He now pisses in a jar just to defeat someone like me!” The Spy’s laugh rang throughout the room. “You’re nothing, you don’t stand a chance against me. And the world will finally see the fool in you. And I will finally be known as the best class in the world!”

Then, once again, he disappeared.

Blood pounded in the Sniper’s head. What am I going to do? His teammates were gone, he was alone with a kukri against a skilled assassin. He rushed out of the room in sheer panic.

“You can run, but you can’t hide!” rang out a voice somewhere near the Sniper.

He rushed down the hallway. As much as his sides ached, he had to keep going. he didn’t know where to go, or what to do when he got there. His legs just carried him.

“What are you going to do? Run 20 meters and shoot me?”

The Sniper burst into the lab room, where the Medic usually operated on his hapless subjects. He bolted the door and sat on the blood-stained operating table, gasping for breath. There was nothing he could do…

I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die-

“Peekaboo!”

An arm snaked out of nowhere and slashed at the Sniper. Had it not been for the Sniper’s quick reflexes, he would’ve received more than just a facial wound. Nevertheless, the shock of it all drove the Sniper back into a row of shelves, where the Medic was studying the Sniper’s urine samples.

The Sniper, bloodied and battered, looked up above him.

Take it…

As if on instinct, the Sniper snatched a jar from the shelf. What am I going to do with this jar of urine?

Use it…

“Maybe they should bury you in that van you call home!” cackled the Spy as he raised his knife for the kill.

Now!

The Sniper tossed the jar of urine. As it arched across the room, the Spy’s smirk was quickly replaced by one of shock. It was then replaced with a look of fear.

The jar shattered as the Spy received a faceful of the Sniper’s liquid bodily wastes. The urine stained the Spy’s Hugo Boss suit. There was a sound of electricity, and then the Spy was fully uncloaked.

“Is this…?!” cried the Spy in anguish.

With the last ounce of his strength, the Sniper stabbed the Spy with his kukri. Before the Spy died, though, he gave the Jarate master a look of agony, a look of the deepest hate that one could possibly possess.

The Spy spat out these last words through his gritted teeth: “I HATE -”

The Sniper took out his kukri and the Spy fell to the ground covered in the Sniper’s urine and his own blood.

The Adelaide Assassin paid his respects.

* * *

The following days passed quickly. After finding the Spy’s cache of Saxton Hale Pain Tonic Pills (which he took from the box before it was delivered to the Sniper), he quickly recovered.

The Medic didn’t get to satisfy his curiosity. However, the Sniper’s incredibly effective kidneys never ceases to amaze the Medic.

The RED and BLU Spy’s disgust for the Sniper only grew. “Filthy jar man,” they would mutter behind the Sniper’s back.

Thanks to the Sniper’s ingenious new weapon, he could now fight effectively at close-range. He would toss his jar of urine at the enemies. They would cower in fear and lose the will to live. They would die either from the Sniper’s kukri or from the bullets of his teammates. And even if they escaped, it would haunt every living, waking moment of their lives.

Even better, everybody was now grateful to the Sniper for saving his life when the Engineer accidentally left the task of grilling burgers to the Pyro. They were all a little disgusted, but nevertheless, grateful. And the Sniper quickly learned that he was now a team player, and that friendship is indeed golden.

After a day of chucking his jars around, the Sniper retired to the trailer. On his desk was not only a picture of his parents, but also a jar of urine.

And if you look closely enough in the yellowish fluid, you can see the smiling, rugged muscular Australian man who turned the Sniper into a weapon of mass destruction. It’s cheap, it’s found everywhere, it’s easily used -

It’s Jarate.