A long while ago in March 2009, I remember reading a rant about how useless the Heavy is, how easily attacks are countered and how he fancies himself as a sentry with legs. “What utter rubbish” I thought – and went back to playing as a Heavy on my clan’s pub, or to dominate the hell out of a insta-respawn 2fort server; depending on my mood…

Domination - en masse!

Here’s the thing: a lot of players that play the Heavy are new to the game. Look at the packaging and look at the store page on Steam and what do you see? Naturally, your attention is drawn to the Heavy. So new players will play him, get owned hard and never touch him again.

If you’re sitting there thinking “I’m skilled with another class so why would I be interested in playing the Heavy?” Well here’s my answer – most people don’t fully understand the importance of strategy and teamwork. Strategy plays an important role in Heavy gameplay; every decision you make has to be criticized to achieve the best outcomes. The other thing that plays an important role in Heavy gameplay is communication and not just with a Medic. Theoretically, learning how to play a Heavy well should improve your overall understanding of this game’s logic and strategy – no matter what class you’re playing. Yeah, cool ‘eh? Now let’s get cracking, there’s a lot of stuff to cover.

1. Think before you shoot

How many times have you heard a whirring noise followed by the cries of a slain Heavy? For me, loads of times. Those players make the most fatal mistake any Heavy can make: Revving in the wrong place. I know you’ve done it before – you’ll wind up your gun and walk to defend or attack whatever it is you’re attacking or defending.

The reason this is such a bad idea is obvious – every enemy and his dog will prepare for a Heavy encounter if they hear you revving your gun in the distance and will make detours to avoid/kill you. Never alert enemies of your presence until they’re in range.

So where is the right place to rev? If at least one of these is true, you know you’re in a good place:

• You are in the open and as close as you can get to your foes
• You are in (or at the end of) a corridor with enemies that can be killed before they can fall back into cover
• You are in a blindspot (e.g. a place where a cursory glance won’t reveal your location)
• You are above unaware enemies (e.g. on a bridge or the opening of a tunnel)
• You are near Health and Ammo supplies (e.g. the centre hut on Dustbowl, Level 2-CP 2)

Know when to shoot your gun before you rev up

Before you fight the enemy, weigh up the chances of you winning the battle. These can be varied by the number of hostiles in the area, whether you have a medic, the skill of the enemy/enemies you’re fighting, whether you have your gun spinning, how much Health you have and so on. If you know you can’t win, retreat or approach from another angle – don’t bite off more than you can chew or you’ll be eating “Crocket & Winbomb Stew a la Facestab” for dinner.

Medium range is the most ideal place to be, but nothing trumps close range combat more than a volley of point blank minigun rounds. Think it’s hard to get at close range with the big guy? Think again! Say you were overlooking the tunnel exit on Badwater Basin – you can jump down while revving and you’ll be ready to fire before you land. Overhealed Soldiers and Heavies will be shredded in seconds, but be warned that most classes will find it easier to hit you due to your huge frame and poor manoeuvrability – and will wise up after the initial chaos dies down.

2. Pay attention to your surroundings

Pay close attention to the sights, sounds and things around you – for example, memorize the locations of health and ammo so you can fall back on them when you need to, learn the locations of Snipers just by peering out from an opening then move around them, listen out for the decloak sound on a Spy’s watch. This information should already be second nature to the more seasoned players, but is all the more important for a Heavy.

Take each death as a lesson of the things you did wrong and learn from them. Here’s a typical scenario you’ll face as a Heavy: Think back to a time when a Spy seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, now think about how he got there. Was he waiting around the corner waiting for you to go past? Was he crouching on top of some crates out of the way where you would normally fire your gun? Did he convince you with a cunning disguise? You’re a 300 pound mountain of Russian who eats forty cakes a day so how did a skinny dork in a monkey-suit top you? Now you have an idea on how he did it, take steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

Is this you? Then pay attention, fatcakes!

The other thing you need to pay attention to are your hit indicators – they show up on your HUD in the direction the impact came from; the larger the indicator, the greater the damage.

3. Befriending a Buddy

Before you shoot off a comment about the Heavy always needing a Medic, don’t – allow me to explain. The Heavy is a defensive class by nature, therefore it is his main job to defend – period. However, when a Heavy is on the offensive he can quickly become a sitting duck by every Tom, Dick and Harry on the other team. Very quickly, your concerns shift towards getting enough health and ammo to survive. When a Medic works with a Heavy he takes away the a lot of the Health concerns, leaving you to just worry about getting enough ammo to do your job – and since you’ll kill plenty of enemies you’ll be up to your knees in ammo. (and bodies)

One essential tool you’ll need when playing Medic buddy is the microphone – you need to efficiently impart enemy locations in order to keep you, your Medic and the rest of your team safe. I personally use Mumble because it’s free and most clans and communities host servers for them, it has an overlay which displays who is talking and it’s customizable. Otherwise, there’s nothing wrong with using the in-game VOIP.

Your Medic should never stay glued to you the entire time, so bring him to the frontline and let the Medic heal your pals – remember that everyone wins in the end, they get their health and the Medic gets his uber much quicker. Spread the love, don’t hog it all. And don’t hog the health if your Medic is in desperate need of it, the Medigun won’t heal its user.

Don't take health away from Medics, they won't be happy!

Most players will attempt to kill your Medic if you’re not paying attention, so if your gun is spinning and the Medic’s health starts dropping, turn round and kill whoever it is attempting to plug your mate. Have your Medic spot threats to both of you instead of having him sit there like a goofy German duck gawking at you until either of you die.

Pay attention to your own health too – if you see your health going down quickly retreat into cover and let the Medic heal you. Don’t pick up health packs if you can help it, you’ll help your Medic build the Uber much quicker and he’ll be able to fall back on it if he needs it.

4. Ubercharges and Kritzkriegs

Whichever Medigun your Medics are carrying into battle will come with two very different game-plans. With an Uber, you can charge straight into the fray and tear up a defensive team, taking out Sentries and high priority targets such as Demomen, Pyros, Heavies and Soldiers – provided they don’t quickly run away or use an uber to counter-attack.

Kritz on the other hand require you to protect your Medic even after he activates the charge. The 10 seconds of non-stop critical hits from your minigun will still be effective at long range since falloff doesn’t affect their trajectory.

Decide on what gun you want your Medic to take into battle, he won't mind.

Usually, I’ll ask the Medic to equip whatever floats his boat, but when a situation starts to rear its ugly head I won’t hesitate to ask them to switch.

5. Going solo

A Medic can be useful, but sometimes you will be faced with the task of coping without him. This video demonstrates Heavy gameplay with rare assistance from a Medic who didn’t know how to ubercharge, I highly recommend it.

Here’s the gist of the video for the benefit of the guide:

• Without a Medic, stay on defence (that doesn’t mean sitting at a dispenser shooting at nothing)
• Stay somewhere where health and ammo is in plentiful supply and deter enemies from taking the route you’re covering
• Offensives on your own are suicide, use the prescience of attacking units to push forward to compensate for the lack of a Medic

6. Your secondary and melee weapons

The Heavy loves his Sandvich, in fact he loved it so much when it was announced as a weapon he would often die eating his last meal. Now witnessing a large Russian stopping in the middle of a battlefield to eat a ham, cheese, lettuce and tomato sandwich on white bread with no concern for the danger around him is no longer a joke – provided he pulls it off.

You now have the option to drop the snack to the life of your Medic or another near-death comrade, aim using the crosshairs and drop it so the target walks into it. Just remember to stop by another health pack at full HP to get your lunch back. It’s also useful if you’re being chased by enemies if you’re low on health – just equip the Sandvich, drop it, nom it and equip your gun. The Sandvich is one heck of a lifeline, as well as tasty.

Moist and delicious! Hah hah hah!

If you would prefer to have something other than your fists to defend yourself with when you run out of ammo, or need to shoot enemies when you don’t have time to rev up – bring your shotgun. It usually catches people unaware whilst you are moving as they expect you to just rev your minigun. It is also handy for retreating while laying down suppressive fire.

The gloves are risky, but if you can pull off a punch you have a limited time to rain hell on the other team. If you’re planning on taking the gloves, equip the shotgun and not the Sandvich – you’ll waste three seconds equipping and revving up the minigun, as opposed to equipping the shotgun which gets you more bang for your buck (unless you happen to kill two guys with the KGB of course). Likewise, use the fists if you’re planning on taking the Sandvich – people will do their best to gank you if they see you eating, the fists swing quicker which gives you more of a fighting chance.

7. Class Matchups

Knowing how the enemy will attack you will make a big difference. So here I’ve listed all the classes and how they usually attack you, and how best to deal with them. To quote Sun Tzu: “Know thy self, know thy enemy. A thousand battles, a thousand victories.”

Scout

Scouts are the polar-opposite of the Heavy. They will attempt to flank you when the opportunity arises and will gun for your Medic. They will also attempt to irritate you by jumping around your head like a maniac or just strafing around you at point blank plugging you in the guts or allowing other classes to take pot-shots at you while you’re distracted.

The best way to kill Scouts is to get them in the open and mow them down at medium range before they attempt to do anything. If a Scout is abusing cover with the FaN, just don’t challenge them. They’ll simply push you away from where you want to go every time. Just wait until they’re in the open and he’ll wish he had the other gun once you rip him to shreds.

Scouts with the Sandman will have less health, so do your best to avoid his stun balls and mow him down when he realises his tactic didn’t work.

GEROFF MOY LAAAAND!!

Soldier

The Solly is big and slow just like you, but he makes up for this with his agility and his ability to fire from cover. A full volley of four direct hits will kill a Heavy without a Medic, so do your best to avoid them and kill him at medium range.

Soldiers are usual culprits for abusing cover since their stock rocket launcher can hit you with splash damage while they’re around a corner. Not only that but Stock and Direct Hit Soldiers give anyone a hard time in corridors, but you especially because of your huge physique and slow speed. Plan ahead to avoid situations like this.

Soldiers will try to gain a height advantage by rocket jumping, if he gets to higher ground you become an easier target to hit and you will have trouble hitting him back. Put a stop to this by shooting them while they’re airborne – with luck he won’t be able to make the connection with the higher ground due to the knockback and either way he’ll lose ammo and health. If he does make the connection, try to finish him off or call to your teammates to do it for you. Alternatively, you can occupy the higher ground he’s trying to reach so you can kill him while he’s weakened. Just be ready for him and don’t take too long about it.

Pyro

Obviously the typical W+M1 strategy employed by noob Pyros will be of no concern to you as long as you’re prepared and even when you aren’t you’ll probably trump him if you’re at full health. You’ll need to be worried when he tries to flank you and use his Backburner.

Smarter Pyros will airblast you away from key areas or when you’re Ubered, or even use the airblast sting combo (ignite, AB, Axtinguish), so just tear into them with the minigun at mid-range before they have a chance to puff you around like a meaty-or.

LEROOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYY-

Demomen

Besides Snipers and Spies, these guys will be giving you the most trouble. They’re very similar to Soldiers but have the benefits of indirect fire. The Demoman can fire four grenades and a full volley of four direct hits will kill a Heavy without a Medic. Deal with them like you would with Soldiers. Kill at close to medium range and quickly. If you’re dealing with a charge swordsman, he doesn’t pose more of a threat but keep both eyes out for him. Similarly if he tries to gain a height advantage rev up and shoot them while they’re airborne and weakened.

Watch out for sticky carpets, if you see a Demoman laying a sticky carpet at your feet, unrev and get out of there. Even with a Medic helping you, you will not survive the damage. If you jump on your way out, it might soften the blow and propel yourself to safety.

Don’t get lured into a sticky trap. If you see him retreating into a tunnel or a corridor (even when he’s spent his pipe ammo), assume he’s luring you into a trap. Keep in mind your minigun is suitable for nullifying the threat of sticky bombs if you ignore this. Alternatively, you can go back and approach the situation another way.

Heavy

A simple head on battle between two Heavies produces mixed results every time. It all depends on certain factors such as who winds up first, who has more health, who has more backup and so on.

Fighting Heavys as Heavy is a risk, but its one worth taking if it suits you

If you come across a Natasha wielding Heavy, wind up and kill them if they’re in range, otherwise just get in cover. Their bullets can render you almost immobile Also, don’t try and wind up if a nearby enemy Heavy is revving his gun in your direction, just get into cover. If you can, wait until he unrevs and kill him then.

Engineer

Engineers are silly men with silly hats and even sillier guns, so they often rely on their sentries to do all the work for them.

On its own a Sentry is not too much a problem if you have Medic, but it’s a bigger problem if an Engie is repairing the sentry from behind. Ideally, you want to be as close as possible to the gun so you can destroy it. If you have a Medic with an uber ready, tell him to use it and run towards the sentry while you’re linked. Since the Sentry is programmed to target the nearest threat, you’ll find it easier to walk up as close as you need to get, rev and kill the sentry.

Note: A Kritz charge will not kill sentries or other buildings faster.

Think your plans through first before you take on a sentry

Once their sentries are down, they have a few options. First, they can run away really fast; just mow them down. Second, they can stand there and get shredded while sitting there fixing nothing. And finally third (and this never gets old) discover new-found superhuman powers and decide to charge you with the plan of braining you with a lucky wrench crit… In any case you won’t have problems with the silly suicidal super-hero engies.

Medic

Medics don’t usually attack other people; they are often helping others to stay alive. This makes your job harder, so they should be prime targets.

When he Ubercharges, you have little chance of evading his target’s path of destruction. While it is possible to escape, your most likely option is to either slow the enemy down by getting in their way, giving them less time to cause havoc, or simply get your Medic to Uber you too. This usually results in the Ubered pair to retreat… AT SPEED!

The only other thing he can do to annoy you is running around you at melee range using the Ubersaw. Don’t bother getting your fists out – the Medic is much quicker than you and will avoid your punches with relative ease. Just rev up for the two seconds because the Ubersaw has its own swing delay.

Those big hands also have other talents... don't ask...

Sniper

Snipers are almost always present at battlements where they have optimal view of area to cover, and will be too far away for the minigun to do any good damage. So never attack from his range – it’s a stupid idea. Just avoid their line of sight and you should be fine, learn about their movements and compensate. You don’t have to fight every battle to win a war.

If you really have a burning desire to kill Snipers, the best way to do this is to plan a route to them while they’re busy sniping. It can’t be done on open planned maps like Badwater, but it works wonders in 2Fort and incites torrents of rage.

POW! HA HA!

Spy

Spies will always cloak around you and attack from behind, that is unless the Spy is played by an idiot.

Spies love attacking from blindspots, and most love slow, easy targets like Heavies. Be wary of these places and come prepared. Regularly check behind you or have people report sightings of Spies. They will be less likely to attack you and everyone else appears to know what’s going on behind you. Then again, just appearing to know doesn’t make it 100% safe, so listen out for decloaks and footfalls when you know people aren’t around.

I spy with my little eye, something ending in CRUNCH!

Oh yeah, class by class analyses are only good for dealing with individual battles so if you engage more foes than one think about who poses more of a threat and take them out.

Conclusion

The Heavy is an easy target to bash by careless players because of how supposedly “useless” he is, despite the huge contribution he makes to his team. He is underplayed, underrated, and underestimated. In the right hands however…

He becomes the underdog…
The dark horse…
The Heavy Weapons Guy!

Let's get serious!

Team Fortress 2 takes place in the sixties. Everyone knows this. But RED and BLU aren’t new creations. They didn’t come about around that time. No, the Team Fortress 2 that we know is only a single chapter in a war that has spanned centuries. It spanned back… to medieval times…

Some of the tools of war from those times long since passed survive in the current incarnation of this never ending war. And using these tools, we here at ubercharged.net labs have recreated the war as it was hundreds of years ago. We have recreated…

MEDIEVAL FORTRESS 2

Medieval Fortress 2 is an update of a classic mod found on ubercharged.net Server 1. This update is a complete rework of the plugin, and includes TARGELANDER DEMOS and EQUALIZER SOLDIERS.

“But DPErny, what IS Medieval Fortress 2? I’ve never heard of it.”

Medieval Fortress 2 is what it says on the cover: it’s a Sourcemod plugin that creates a Medieval theme in Team Fortress 2.

THE STORY
Europe was a bloody, gory place since the fall of the Roman empire. For centuries, feudal states grabbed for whatever partition of the former empire that they could. Rulers, sometimes fair, sometimes tyrants, came and went. Then, word of a new king spread. A powerful, wise ruler known as King Manne was fighting to unite the world under his rule. He succeeded in uniting most of Europe, and then ceased his conquest to manage the empire he had accrued. During this rule, there was a time of great peace and many hats.

But then, King Manne fell ill. He no longer had the strength to run his kingdom. He left the day to day running of the Kingdom to his most trusted aide, Saxtonnious Hale. But Saxtonnious could not run it either, not without the guidance and wisdom of King Manne. The land began to fall apart.

Now, King Manne had two handsome, dashing sons. Blutonious and Lord Redwall, as they were called, were fiercely competitive. Each was always trying to outdo the other. When their father fell ill, Blutonious and Redwall each felt that they were entitled to the throne. One can only imagine their anger when Saxtonious was put into power. But Blutonious and Lord Redwall were not stupid. They watched as their father’s kingdom fell to ruin. Blutonious fled to the lands in the east, and Redwall went west. Each began amassing an army of supporters from their father’s former force.

Then, one day, the conflict finally erupted. Blutonious and Redwall each declared their land a sovereign state, named Blubaria and Redland respectively. Great battles were fought in the name of these two powers, and the very planet shook under the conflict.

THE CLASSES

The Archer

Ye Olde Kindom of Manne spared no expense when selecting its Archers. The most talented marksmen in the land were much prized during the great fissure; Redwall and Blutnoius each scrambled to win the favor of the kingdom’s Archers, knowing how important they’d be in the later battles. The Archers were often taught the then fledgling art of Jarate, a method of defence conceived by those strange peoples of the Far East. While most fierce with a bow in hand, Archers are a formidable warrior with a blade as well.

The Knight

No medieval war would be complete without knights, but these were far from chivalrous. These fierce warriors from the land of the Scotts were a force to be reckoned with. Hardened in battle and wielding cursed swords of unimaginable power, the Knights make up the backbone of any assault. They had been known to charge at their foes with reckless abandon, shouting a bloodcurdling battle cry. These fearsome Scottsmen are widely known for their lethal decapitations.

The Berserker

Tales were told of fearsome warriors from the Scandinavian regions that were but ordinary miners in times of peace. When times of war dawn, however, they were far from peaceful. These men revel in pain, and fight to the death without retreat. Travelers from the northern regions say that these Berserkers fight more fiercely as they sustain wounds, and that the most heavily wounded often take down foes with one swing of their mighty pickaxe. Berserkers occasionally carry in to battle a horn of war, which they blow to rally their fellows into the same frenzy.

The Bear

These strange men from cold regions to the east were as strong as they were stupid. Discovered by the Mannish traders, these hulking brutes knew no weapons. They fought with their bare hands alone, crushing their foes with but a swing of a mighty fist. The harsh landscape of Siberia trained them to withstand punishment far beyond that of a normal warrior. They also brought with them from their native lands a culinary dish with amazing medicinal properties. This meal of bread, meat, and vegtables serves to heal the brutes should they sustain damage. They have also been known to lend it to ailing comrades in times of great need.

The field of battle

Currently, the known battles of Medieval Fortress were fought at the castle Redfort. This tall structure, on the border between Redland and Blubaria, was held fiercely by the Redlandians. The Blubarians, attacking from a cave just outside of the castle, stormmed the gates and fought their way through the castle.

The Real Story

Medieval Fortress came about of the first time during the summer of 2009. After a rousing game of shenanigans, I decided that it was time to learn Sourcemod, and bringing Medieval Fortress to the non-administrated masses would be an excellent project. I began working on Medieval Fortress immediately.

I started my adventures in Sourcemod by reading the AlliedModder’s Wiki, and by reading Sirot’s Zombie Fortress plugin. These two sources helped me tremendously, and before long I was making headway on Medieval Fortress. Despite numerous bugs, glitches, and setbacks, I managed to choke out a working version of the plugin I intended. The final product was terribly unorganised, completely unoptimized, and it barely passed AlliedModders aproval, but it worked. About a month after the original Medieval Fortress had been put on, the new plugin was on Server 1.

Medieval Fortress was an instant success. It was played often, and for a while it was hard to get into a game that was hosting Medieval Fortress. Most of the server population loved it. Soon, however, after the fun had worn off, Medieval Fortress was taken off rotation and forgotten.

Fast forward to December of 2009, and the Demo vs Soldier update. As soon as the public caught glimpse of the Eyelander, the forums were alight with people asking for Medieval Fortress to get an update. People who had never heard of my plugin were demanding it. Several threads cropped up on the Steam Forums asking for someone to make a medieval game mode. Interest in the subject soared. I stepped back and analyzed the situation; people demanded it, I would provide. Before the update had even been released, I began work on Medieval Fortress 2.

This time around, I was more experienced in Sourcemod, and I could recognise the disaster that was my first plugin. Considering this, I decided that Medieval Fortress 2 would be a complete recode. I rebuilt my entire plugin from the ground up, starting with nothing but a blank notepad screen. When a problem arose, I asked for help. Before the end of December, Medieval Fortress 2 was ready for release. It was put up on Server 1, and playtesting helped me to iron out the one major bug in the programming.

And, now, two months after the completion of Medieval Fortress, I am ready to release it to the public at large. The source code, the program, everything that a server operator needs to host Medieval Fortress is available right now. What’s more, so long as even 1 server operator hosts Medieval Fortress, I will continue to keep it up-to-date and ready for more challenges. As time goes by, I will release more features, and the bare-bones plugin you see today will be a far more in depth game mode.

The Technical Details

Today’s Medieval Fortress allows for four classes, as previously stated. The Knight is a Demoman. He is allowed only the Eyelander, the Bottle, and the Targe. The Archer is Medieval Fortress’ default class. Anyone trying to switch to an unallowed class will be redirected to this tweak on the Sniper. He is allowed only the Huntsman, Jarate, the Razorback (which, although useless now, I plan on adding features for later), and his Kukri. The Berserker is simply a the Soldier with all non-melee weapons stripped, excluding the Buff Banner. The Bear is the same with a Heavy; all non-melee weapons are stripped excepting the Sandvich.

To set up map to automatically play Medieval Fortress, simply erase the map’s existing prefix and affix “mf_” to the beginning. For example, on UC server 1, we use Redfort under the name “mf_redfort_b3″. Alternatively, Medieval Fortress can be enabled on any map by typing “sm_mf_enable” into the console (changemap admin flags required). While Medieval Fortress will automatically disable itself at the end of a map, it can be turned off manually by typing “sm_mf_disable” into the console (also requires changemap).

Download

Source code: Medieval Fortress 2

Plugin: MF2

Credits

I have to give credit to tons of people for this, because it really isn’t original. First off, credit goes to Phoenix, the ubercharged.net editor, for the original Medieval Fortress. He got the ball rolling. Next, credit to mrmof for making the map we play on. More credit goes to everyone on the ubercharged.net forum for making this work.

Indulge me dear reader; just the other day I was playing a game of Team Fortress Two with my good companion Sir Tygrys when an observation was made. Checking the scoreboards, one notices that many of you are sporting digital avatars that are ill-fitting for such a Gentle Manne’s game.

Now perhaps you can get away with this shameful display on other counties of the Internet, but this is Ubercharged; my companion and I agreed we must do something about it.

And so Sir Tygrys, being a master of the arts, began work producing a collection of Team Fortress 2 inspired portraits tailored for Gentle Menne with an eye for the latest in style. Before presentation I must insist that neither of us will be held responsible if, upon glancing these works of art, your monocle falls into your tea.

But without further ado allow me to present to you our works, complete with the accompanying press release from the newly formed T&T Industries:

T&T Industries is happy to announce the release of our very own avatar pack, more precisely the ‘T&T Industries Classy Classes Avatar Pack’.

This pack was specially designed for all of you who understand the need to be classy in all your digital ventures. This splendid pack comes in two styles: BLU and RED, to suit individual customer preferences. You will find that they have been readily scaled down to 184×184 pixels, so they are immediately ready to use on Steam the very moment you download them to your drive.

All of these spiffing avatars were made by two masters of fine art – Sir Tygrys Murdock and Sir Tesla Sherbonk, with extra thanks to Sir Dont for improving the quality of the original images. Should you encounter either of them during your exploits in digital space, be sure to bid them thanks; they’ll be ecstatic to hear their work is appreciated.

Now go ahead and enjoy this fine art as we have prepared for you.

Remember our motto – quality is of the utmost importance and we strive to satisfy all of our customers.

Signed: T&T Industries Chairman of marketing

Willbur McTrackingster

You can download the newly improved v2 pack HERE, thanks to our friend Dont. You may also wish peruse the full sized imagery whilst you await the cheeseboard. Lastly, to those of you whom have no interest in showing some class, may I perchance interest you in a job sweeping out my chimney?

Yesterday, 8:30 am. We were already done with out group drills and were onto individual exercises. There I was, trying to maintain a decent sentry, under suppressive fire. But that was not the goal of the exercise.

You see, each of us has to be trained to react, to certain situations, in the blink of an eye. All this sustained fire was for distracting me from the focus, the climax of the exercise: the sentry exit.

A time comes in a sentries life when little balls with sticky spiky ends begin accumulating under its steel legs. One sticky, two sticky – you are too late!  A good engineer does not count stickies but abandons ship and jumps away as soon as possible. That was what I was being conditioned with.

Others get their own exercises. For example that ape, Heavy, has to keep moving and dodging without thinking. Oh wait, he does not think usually. So his exercises makes him think AND dodge.

He has to play chess, against a chess robot *ahem* I designed. Out in the open with several snipers trying to put an arrow into his big but mushy head. Oh and he has to carry a drunk Demoman, who has to be taken to the bathroom every so often – or he will relieve himself atop Heavy, who has to beat the chess robot and keep that alcohol drenched (did I mention also flammable?) Scot alive. You will notice the automated chess player is made up of body parts belonging to a former employee of ours. A former employee who was “check mated”.

Then, Pyro, that freak has it easy. She’s told that one of our spawn rooms is infested with butterflies and she has to stay in there until she torches them all. In reality there are no butterflies, her goggles are so dirty that anywhere she looks she sees little random dots around her. She goes on for hours before her gas and her battery dies out. The Administrator thought of this unique exercise to wear her out, or else that hyperactive wacko won’t let anyone sleep during the mandatory afternoon recess (once she mumbled the first two seconds of TF2 theme over and over for two hours!). Of course our beloved and resourceful Administrator would not let go of all that gas and physical enthusiasm.

The “Butterfly Room”, shortly after its inception, became a conditioning training ground for Spy. He has to stay cloaked, and, do I really need to say, unlit, until “all the butterflies are cleared” (in Pyro’s head, they may be, quite literally). Of course that would be too easy. He also has to listen to and memorize the “Shakespeariclesean Play of the Day” on the radio (his watch can pick up AM radio stations, I swear, it’s true!). Then he has to re-enact flawlessly the whole play for us and the Administrator, in the cafeteria before lunch is served. One slip of the tongue, he gets a lashing, and his meal is given to Heavy (who still eats the plates and the silverware out of hunger anyway).

Ah yes, what was I saying? Oh yes, the sentry exit yesterday. I was fixing my sentry. My senses were keen, my eyes sharp. There came the first sticky. My cue to dash out. But I could not get out in time.

See, ever since last Saturday’s Cafeteria update (which is an internal update, you would not  know), the quality of food drastically increased, with fewer poisonings and reduced occurrence of bloody diarrhoea. I have been told that my figure was getting a bit rounder and softer. So there I was, short of breath, trying to get my chubby buttocks over the dispenser. I got fat! Ah, big time fail.

I am a practical man. Not a muscle man. I am not going to the gym (it smells anyway). I shall have my food, AND my exit. I have been thinking since yesterday and I thought I would share my solution with you.

First I wanted to design a spring board that would eject me up, and away. But obviously flying and falling on a full tummy is neither fun nor a pleasant sight. Then I came up with a fun idea; my own little air compressor gun!

It kind of works like Pyro’s airblast, but more precise. Imagine a thin stream of compressed air. No? Then imagine relieving your bowels through a thin, long pipe. Fun, right?

From early field trials, I can happily say that it can push stickies far far away, and reflect rockets and arrows alike. It is a bit too precise to push back people or put out flames, but that was not the point anyway. Oh and I added a kicker – an air horn! When my tank is full of compressed air I can let it out through the horn and WHHAAAA? Everyone around me is startled. Some jump up, turn around in sudden excitement, or twitch and fire their weapons. I have seen heavies revving up their guns nervously, demos blowing up their stickies prematurely, and spies uncloaking accidentally.

I am not sure if the Administrator is going let me keep it. If worst comes to worst I will be assigned “Officer for Bathroom Hygiene” for a month. Not as bad as “Manager of TP Recycling”, the title Scout held for 11 months, for “portraying the Administrator in negative light via spoken language”.

Alas, there is a price to pay for every single thing that is fun.

And such is life.

Seriously, I am truly surprised that this piece of pure win has only got 800 odd views.

In a quantity that has not been seen since the appearance of Cuddle Pyro, we now bring to you the cutest personification of a Team Fortress 2 Character into real life. Those are the results when you combine Halloween and gaming parents.

Please be warned, watching this is not recommended if you are somewhere where people will look at you strangely due to a “DAWWWWW” reaction.

You can check out more photos by following the link, even of the 1 year old heavy:

[from Crafster via Kotaku]

Oh, and because it is pretty much obligatory here in Ubercharged.net:

“ENTIRE TEAM IS BABIES!”-Heavy Weapons Guy

That’s it. It’s been a week. I’m posting this.

Before I start, I want to mention that this is in no way a definitive post on what should be done with TF2 and the mechanics of said game. These are my opinions, and mine alone, and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Feel free to comment, though.

Anyway, I was on LoR the other day and was wondering to myself “If I were an employee at Valve and I were one of the guys changing the weapons to improve the game (FaN buff anyone?), what would I do?” So I went through the equipment, one by one, and here is a list. If it’s not mentioned, I don’t think it needs changing, but feel free to give your opinions anyway.

Yes, it’s another one of those articles.

Each change will be rated out of five, with 1 being “completely unnecessary change,” 3 being “could work,” and 5 being “great idea, methinks.”

Scout

So I’m going to leave the Scattergun and the FaN alone, firstly because the Scattergun is fine, and secondly because you need perfect aim (not hard at point blank, though) to get that 2 shot kill-anything-but-the-Heavy strikes, which balances it somewhat I suppose. That was a pretty uninspired buff, really.

Pistol
Just about perfect, although a lot of times I find myself wishing I had more ammo, especially when playing soccer. Perhaps Valve could increase the ammo count by one or two clips, although I’m not sure what this would do to balance, particularly in scrims.
Rating: 2 out of 5

BONK! Atomic Punch
Now this thing right here is somewhat of a problem. It’s mostly a gimmicky escape tool, and no really good Scout would surrender his (or her) pistol for a slim chance at escaping (the enemy can easily chase you down). It is DEFINITELY not doing much to fulfil its original goal: to allow Scouts to bypass their #1 nemesis, the sentry. Only a handful of situations sees actual use (distracting a sentry, mostly).

Solution 1: Reduce the slowdown after-effect a little so that Scouts still have a fighting chance, maybe 100%? Speed is their primary weapon, after all, and most who don’t escape to a safe place are easily mowed down anyway.
Rating: 2 out of 5

Solution 2: Allow an alternate fire that causes you to slow down initially, THEN get invulnerability. This would help with the original conception of giving Scouts access to areas previously blocked by sentries. To make up for this, you will be slowed down for ten seconds, with no notice of when the invuln starts. Alternatively, we could have 6-8 seconds of slowdown beforehand, then only have 2 or so seconds after the invuln. Cannot be stopped once activated.
Rating: 3 out of 5

The Sandman
Ahh, yes, the controversial child; now more balanced, although it’s still incredibly irritating to get hit with (and incredibly giggly to use), and still banned from CEVO. However, there’s something on my mind that I’m sure a lot have been thinking of; bind mouse1 to attack with the bat and mouse2 to launch the ball, instead of the current system.
Rating: 5 out of 5

Soldier

Ah yes, the crazy one. I see no necessary or even interesting changes to the class. Dismissed!

Pyro

Now here’s a class I grief  about along with the Scout. However, unlike the Scout, I find it takes a fair bit less skill to use, and is far too rewarding for what it is. A higher skill ceiling and floor platform would be nice to have.

So, here’s my proposals.

Flamethrower
Idea 1: The Compression Blast is ridiculously fun to use, indeed it is, and is very annoying when you face a Pyro who’s actually skilled with who actually uses it. But it’s still the Pyros main, and a pain to encounter. Remember the old, broken, incredibly overpowered Ambassador? Unlike the tough weapon to use it is today, that is what is being used by the flamethrower. I’m not saying we get rid of that though. That would be stupid.

I recommend a slight reduction of the flames hitbox to fit the animations, so that Pyros will actually have to aim more and spam less in order to win their kills. The advantage? Compression blasts take 5 less ammo to use, giving you a total of 10 on a full tank. I’m (partially) sure many would approve.

It would also match the actual animations we see. Even if not, at the very least, change those animations to match what the Pyro can actually do.

Yes, I know the music is weird. Shut up.
Rating: 3 out of 5

The Backburner
This one. Yes… this one.

Well, here’s the deal. Many, many, MANY Pyros use it. And not really “use” it, so much as equip it.

The thing is, too many equip it over the flamethrower because of the occasional free crits and the fact that they never use the airblast anyway (the stingy, teamworkless, usually unskilled twits). Very few actually try ambushing and flanking the original Pyro was made for, and the Backburner was made for, and I guess I don’t blame them too much.

The solution? Originally thought up by Christopher Livingston (creator of Concerned) on his (old) (abandoned) TF2 comic blog 1Fort, this involved reducing the backburners range somewhat and slightly increasing it’s cone of fire + hitbox for crits. The benefits? You can attack bigger groups with it, IF you use it right,  while reducing the number of DURR HURR MUST CHARGE ENEMY type Pyros that consume so many games. I really thought this was a neat idea, number crunching notwithstanding.
Rating: 4 out of 5

Alternatively, reduce the damage from the front, I dunno. 1 out of 5.

Generic flamethrower idea
Make the flamethrowers have to connect with a certain amount of an enemy’s model before it sets him alight. Still does regular damage if you don’t connect enough, but Pyros would also have to do more than touch the enemy for the free 50-60 damage.
What? It could work.
Rating: 2 out of 5

The Flare Gun

This is my beloved in my 70-80 odd hours as Pyro. I love grabbing the attention of Snipers, and setting people on fire at a distance, and it’s not terribly easy to use either (like the flamethrowers). However, a recent update came out; the reverse damage falloff is gone, but it now mini crits enemies that are already on fire.

This I’m not too a big fan of because:
1) I was toataly MLG prO wif flare wepon at long raenge
2) The mini crit requires that the enemy be on fire, and it does 10 extra damage.

The 10 extra damage helps, I suppose, but I’m still not buying it. I could get 10 extra damage easily enough by spamming flames wildly in the enemy’s general direction. 50, in fact. Flaregun meh, revert plz Velav.
Rating: 2 out of 5

Fireaxe

That is all.

Demomahn

Ahh, the controversial Demoman. My 2nd most played class, and one of my favorites. What’s there to change?

In honesty, although I wasn’t in TF2 from the beginning (August of last year), I agree with most, if not all of Valve’s nerfs. 6 grenades would have been way too spammy, as would 32 spare shots (if my sources are right). Stickies would completely lock out areas, and merely moving them takes forever without an airblast (and that’s assuming they’re on the floor), so it’s only right that they can be destroyed (and they can’t be destroyed easily save Heavies). Having grenades explode on ANY contact (if GB isn’t lying) creates a lot of fear (and spam). And sticky spamming is prevalent, so the close range damage nerf was alright (although the least inspired/goodideaish of the nerfs)

What can I bring to the table, then? Sticky spamming is still common, although any Demoman who relies purely on stickies is at a big disadvantage in my point of view. So, perhaps an increase to 5 grenades and a reduction to 7 stickies, or even 6/6? It could work. Maybe. Not all that important, though, come to think of it.
Rating: 2 out of 5

The Heavy

Natasha
DON’T BE JEALOUS, SASHA.

I still find this gun to be woefully underused, due in part to a couple of mistakes (the initial 66% damage miscode before the Scout update and the speed reduction during the Scout update being 25% instead of 75%). So, what’s one to do?

I can’t really tell, to be honest. The better Heavies can aim well enough to kill without needing slowdown to make it easier. It needs to be played a more teamwork style, as mentioned earlier, but then the Heavy is already quite deadly when played together with a team, whichever weapon he uses (not to say that ninja heavies aren’t a threat). Helps ‘gainst Scouts & Pyros, but that’s most of it.

Thoughts?

The KGB

Honestly, who uses the fists after this except for being generally awesome with taunt kills? What heavy uses melee, in fact? How about making the fists always do mini crits?
Rating: 2 out of 5

And that concludes this 1500 word rant! Part dos on the Engineer through to the Spy will be coming out soon*.

Please discuss with civility.

Clank out. ~~

Now, I’m not saying I want Team Fortress 2 to be a Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game, (I’m now rethinking my dislike of accronyms,) but if this was so, I’d be a Heavy.

Heavy has the qualities I like in an RPG (GAH) character, high health and biggest weapon. He’d be the tank of any good adventuring party. The Heavy would probably fare much better in a TF2 MMORPG than he is in FPS TF2, where a dedicated Heavy player is hard to find, and Heavies have very little place in competative TF2.

Now that the introduction is out of the way, I’ve told you a little about myself, and stated what you already now, we come to the part where I tell you why you’re all playing the Heavy wrong.

Now, not all of you are playing Heavy wrong. Some people get it. The ones who are playing wrong are the one who play 30 minutes of Heavy, then never touch him again, saying he’s useless on a push without a Medic and too vulnerable to Snipers out in the open. These people are wrong, and here is why.

Check it out

Do you see that picture? Good, now tell me what class type Heavy is under.

That’s right, Defense.

I propose this, Heavies and Sniper should not cross paths. Ever. Unless you have a suicidal Huntsman Sniper or a Heavy who is playing wrong. Snipers should stick to the wide-open spaces, while Heavy takes the insides of buildings.

Let’s use 2Fort as a wider example of where the classes should be. If you’re on 2Fort playing Pyro, you want to be down in the sewers, preforming hit-and-runs on the enemy base. If you’re a Soldier or a Scout, you want to run for the intelligence. If you’re a Sniper, you’re camping the balcony. If you’re an Engineer, you want to ensure a stalemate by building three Sentries in the ramp room with your Engineer buddies.

And if you’re the Heavy? Where to you want to be? You want to stick inside your base, on DEFENSE. You’re pretty much a mobile Sentry without auto-aim. Say what you want about Heavy being useless without teammates to help him, if you run into a lone Heavy in a 2Fort base, you are going to run, or die.

The Heavy is like his best friend the Medic, in that he should always have someone with him. Other players seem to begrudge the Heavy for this, but not the Medic, because if you protect a Medic, he will heal you. However, if you protect a Heavy, he brings his Minigun, his 300 health, and his giant “hit me first” sign to the table. Unless you’re a Medic, you will probably not be the first target while travelling with a Heavy.

In closing, the reason players denounce the Heavy is that he doesn’t fit into a roll they’ve designed for him. The Heavy truly shines in a defensive position, with friends watching his back. If you simply must charge out into the open, don’t expect to be able to survive headshots. Despite what the Heavy himself will have you believe, he is not bulletproof, don’t expect him to be.

LUNCHBAG FU! The innovative and compelling kung fu based dynamic lunchbag attack system only from Valve!

Hating the Jarate and it’s weakening effects? FIGHT BACK! In these easy steps:

1. Consume Sandvich(s) – high fibre multigrain bread is best.
2. Obtain newspaper
3. Relocate to lunchbag filling station
4. Wait. Patiently. Do crossword
5. Fill lunchbag
6. Warn teammates not to enter the lunchbag filling station for a few minutes
7. DEPLOY LUNCHBAG FU!

So easy and satisfying. Heavy is VERY happy with Lunchbag Fu! Sniper… not so happy.

That’s where we’ve sunk to…

There has been some talk about the Jarate. Some say it is in poor taste. Others that it is just some random April fools joke blown way out of proportion.

Personally, I’m relieved with the Jarate introduced in the latest class update. It doesn’t take a whiz to realise Valve is looking out for number one, but I could see how you would be pissed over the whole situation. In the current economic situation it’s possible that Valve is just taking a slash at costs, and rushing things out. But really, they’re just answering the call of nature. Who could blame them for spending a penny on this one?

Yes, that’s right. How quickly we’ve reached the bottom of the barrel in terms of cheap laughs. Toilet humor – specifically pee humor. Only Valve could take a public sanitation issue and turn it into a major gameplay mechanic. Not that we here at ubercharged are trying to take the moral high ground on this one. I’m looking forward to playing as the heavy when he gets his s**t eating grin on.

We should have seen this coming

In some ways, this is a really natural progression. What did you all expect? Lets look at Valve’s other games:

Half-life 1

The staff of the Black Mesa research facility may have had to put up with transdimensional aliens violating their occupational health & safety code, but they didn’t want for state of the art rest rooms. There is even an ample supply of paper thanks to a little known delivery feature of the Black Mesa transport system.

Rumor has it there was even an advanced research project to dispense soap via quantum entanglement

Half-life 2

OK, this is where Valve started getting weird. Yeah, City 17 had it’s share of derelict restrooms. That is nothing new in a game. Where things go strange is in the Deathmatch release. Specifically the usage of the gravity gun, and various plumbing fixtures.

Any game that releases marketing material promoting the benefits of hurling toilets at your enemies is starting to get a little… odd. You can see the evolution of Jarate directly from this moment.

Hell, there’s even a t-shirt about it. It’s that deeply ingrained into the Valve mindset.

Portal

Not too much going on here. But at the start of the game, you are looking straight at a toilet bowl. In fact, you’re trapped in a perspex box with very little BUT the toilet. Slightly odd? Yeah, but not as bad as some other stuff.

Left 4 Dead

Yup. Toilets.

But What about Team Fortress 2?

See a pattern with all these games? They have toilets. Nothing major. Most places humans reside have one. It’s a basic requirement for living people.

But what do you never see in TF2? That’s right. The old white porcelain bowl.

So it’s only natural that the Sniper would have to do his business, and come up with… creative… ways of dealing with it.

And so we can expect more pissing around with this crap from the other classes.

Starting with the heavy.
With his bag.
And you know what’s in the bag?… It’s not sandviches… At least they aren’t sandviches anymore.

You wake up. It is a beautiful day. You smell the metaphorical roses. You then proceed to smell the actual roses you haven’t gotten around to throwing out yet. They smell kinda gross. You reach over to your bedside table for your Spy gear and find yourself divided.

Which of the two new toys shall you choose? The Cloak And Dagger or the Dead Ringer?

Well, seeing as your experience with the Dead Ringer has been less than successful what with everyone knowing a dead Spy seldom means dead Spy since day two, you opt for the Cloak And Dagger. Ah yes, a true masterpiece of stealth and patience. No longer is there a need to desperately scramble for a safe spot to decloak. Now you could slip into the very heart of the enemy base and never let slip a sole whisper of your presence.

Sure, it’s a little slow on the recharge and it drains pretty quickly, but it’s a small price to pay for absolute invisibility.

So off you venture into the world world to backstab you some bastards when… what’s this?! You’ve been discovered! Did you give yourself away? No, that’s not it. It seems someone erratically and unpredictably changed course and ran into you. Ah well, these things happen.

You try again, this time you get further into your mortal foe’s fortress. But wait! You’re on fire! No, no one spotted you. No, the Pyro wasn’t even trigger happy. He just happened to random flame that blank wall for no reason. Wow, what are the odds?

You make a third attempt. This time you choose to hide in a much larger space. The mathematical probability of being run into there is astronomical. A single Engineer leave his pack and strays… right into you. No one else there, any number of routes he could have taken… but no. He chose the one you were standing in the middle of. He fires his shotgun. It only nips you but it crits immediately and kills you stone cold.

You begin to notice a pattern.

For the rest of the day, through a series of cruel circumstances, you come to discover that the universe hates you with a deep loathing that transcends words. It doesn’t matter where you hide or how cleverly you time your movements. In some manifestation of remarkable evidence towards your cursed nature, enemies continuously fire into thin air for no reason and without failure hit you every time. It is never your fault. You never make a mistake.

Then it hits you. This is the life of a Spy. This is the reward for choosing the career of the most cunning and creative class. A monotonous living hell in which you will be punctured by arrows while cloaked that were never aimed at you, lit alight when one of your teammates chooses to run in exactly the same pattern you do and attract every enemy Pyro to your position, and where targets will never move… until the instant you choose to go for the kill.

To hell with this. I’m going Pyro.