Team Fortress 2 takes place in the sixties. Everyone knows this. But RED and BLU aren’t new creations. They didn’t come about around that time. No, the Team Fortress 2 that we know is only a single chapter in a war that has spanned centuries. It spanned back… to medieval times…

Some of the tools of war from those times long since passed survive in the current incarnation of this never ending war. And using these tools, we here at ubercharged.net labs have recreated the war as it was hundreds of years ago. We have recreated…

MEDIEVAL FORTRESS 2

Medieval Fortress 2 is an update of a classic mod found on ubercharged.net Server 1. This update is a complete rework of the plugin, and includes TARGELANDER DEMOS and EQUALIZER SOLDIERS.

“But DPErny, what IS Medieval Fortress 2? I’ve never heard of it.”

Medieval Fortress 2 is what it says on the cover: it’s a Sourcemod plugin that creates a Medieval theme in Team Fortress 2.

THE STORY
Europe was a bloody, gory place since the fall of the Roman empire. For centuries, feudal states grabbed for whatever partition of the former empire that they could. Rulers, sometimes fair, sometimes tyrants, came and went. Then, word of a new king spread. A powerful, wise ruler known as King Manne was fighting to unite the world under his rule. He succeeded in uniting most of Europe, and then ceased his conquest to manage the empire he had accrued. During this rule, there was a time of great peace and many hats.

But then, King Manne fell ill. He no longer had the strength to run his kingdom. He left the day to day running of the Kingdom to his most trusted aide, Saxtonnious Hale. But Saxtonnious could not run it either, not without the guidance and wisdom of King Manne. The land began to fall apart.

Now, King Manne had two handsome, dashing sons. Blutonious and Lord Redwall, as they were called, were fiercely competitive. Each was always trying to outdo the other. When their father fell ill, Blutonious and Redwall each felt that they were entitled to the throne. One can only imagine their anger when Saxtonious was put into power. But Blutonious and Lord Redwall were not stupid. They watched as their father’s kingdom fell to ruin. Blutonious fled to the lands in the east, and Redwall went west. Each began amassing an army of supporters from their father’s former force.

Then, one day, the conflict finally erupted. Blutonious and Redwall each declared their land a sovereign state, named Blubaria and Redland respectively. Great battles were fought in the name of these two powers, and the very planet shook under the conflict.

THE CLASSES

The Archer

Ye Olde Kindom of Manne spared no expense when selecting its Archers. The most talented marksmen in the land were much prized during the great fissure; Redwall and Blutnoius each scrambled to win the favor of the kingdom’s Archers, knowing how important they’d be in the later battles. The Archers were often taught the then fledgling art of Jarate, a method of defence conceived by those strange peoples of the Far East. While most fierce with a bow in hand, Archers are a formidable warrior with a blade as well.

The Knight

No medieval war would be complete without knights, but these were far from chivalrous. These fierce warriors from the land of the Scotts were a force to be reckoned with. Hardened in battle and wielding cursed swords of unimaginable power, the Knights make up the backbone of any assault. They had been known to charge at their foes with reckless abandon, shouting a bloodcurdling battle cry. These fearsome Scottsmen are widely known for their lethal decapitations.

The Berserker

Tales were told of fearsome warriors from the Scandinavian regions that were but ordinary miners in times of peace. When times of war dawn, however, they were far from peaceful. These men revel in pain, and fight to the death without retreat. Travelers from the northern regions say that these Berserkers fight more fiercely as they sustain wounds, and that the most heavily wounded often take down foes with one swing of their mighty pickaxe. Berserkers occasionally carry in to battle a horn of war, which they blow to rally their fellows into the same frenzy.

The Bear

These strange men from cold regions to the east were as strong as they were stupid. Discovered by the Mannish traders, these hulking brutes knew no weapons. They fought with their bare hands alone, crushing their foes with but a swing of a mighty fist. The harsh landscape of Siberia trained them to withstand punishment far beyond that of a normal warrior. They also brought with them from their native lands a culinary dish with amazing medicinal properties. This meal of bread, meat, and vegtables serves to heal the brutes should they sustain damage. They have also been known to lend it to ailing comrades in times of great need.

The field of battle

Currently, the known battles of Medieval Fortress were fought at the castle Redfort. This tall structure, on the border between Redland and Blubaria, was held fiercely by the Redlandians. The Blubarians, attacking from a cave just outside of the castle, stormmed the gates and fought their way through the castle.

The Real Story

Medieval Fortress came about of the first time during the summer of 2009. After a rousing game of shenanigans, I decided that it was time to learn Sourcemod, and bringing Medieval Fortress to the non-administrated masses would be an excellent project. I began working on Medieval Fortress immediately.

I started my adventures in Sourcemod by reading the AlliedModder’s Wiki, and by reading Sirot’s Zombie Fortress plugin. These two sources helped me tremendously, and before long I was making headway on Medieval Fortress. Despite numerous bugs, glitches, and setbacks, I managed to choke out a working version of the plugin I intended. The final product was terribly unorganised, completely unoptimized, and it barely passed AlliedModders aproval, but it worked. About a month after the original Medieval Fortress had been put on, the new plugin was on Server 1.

Medieval Fortress was an instant success. It was played often, and for a while it was hard to get into a game that was hosting Medieval Fortress. Most of the server population loved it. Soon, however, after the fun had worn off, Medieval Fortress was taken off rotation and forgotten.

Fast forward to December of 2009, and the Demo vs Soldier update. As soon as the public caught glimpse of the Eyelander, the forums were alight with people asking for Medieval Fortress to get an update. People who had never heard of my plugin were demanding it. Several threads cropped up on the Steam Forums asking for someone to make a medieval game mode. Interest in the subject soared. I stepped back and analyzed the situation; people demanded it, I would provide. Before the update had even been released, I began work on Medieval Fortress 2.

This time around, I was more experienced in Sourcemod, and I could recognise the disaster that was my first plugin. Considering this, I decided that Medieval Fortress 2 would be a complete recode. I rebuilt my entire plugin from the ground up, starting with nothing but a blank notepad screen. When a problem arose, I asked for help. Before the end of December, Medieval Fortress 2 was ready for release. It was put up on Server 1, and playtesting helped me to iron out the one major bug in the programming.

And, now, two months after the completion of Medieval Fortress, I am ready to release it to the public at large. The source code, the program, everything that a server operator needs to host Medieval Fortress is available right now. What’s more, so long as even 1 server operator hosts Medieval Fortress, I will continue to keep it up-to-date and ready for more challenges. As time goes by, I will release more features, and the bare-bones plugin you see today will be a far more in depth game mode.

The Technical Details

Today’s Medieval Fortress allows for four classes, as previously stated. The Knight is a Demoman. He is allowed only the Eyelander, the Bottle, and the Targe. The Archer is Medieval Fortress’ default class. Anyone trying to switch to an unallowed class will be redirected to this tweak on the Sniper. He is allowed only the Huntsman, Jarate, the Razorback (which, although useless now, I plan on adding features for later), and his Kukri. The Berserker is simply a the Soldier with all non-melee weapons stripped, excluding the Buff Banner. The Bear is the same with a Heavy; all non-melee weapons are stripped excepting the Sandvich.

To set up map to automatically play Medieval Fortress, simply erase the map’s existing prefix and affix “mf_” to the beginning. For example, on UC server 1, we use Redfort under the name “mf_redfort_b3″. Alternatively, Medieval Fortress can be enabled on any map by typing “sm_mf_enable” into the console (changemap admin flags required). While Medieval Fortress will automatically disable itself at the end of a map, it can be turned off manually by typing “sm_mf_disable” into the console (also requires changemap).

Download

Source code: Medieval Fortress 2

Plugin: MF2

Credits

I have to give credit to tons of people for this, because it really isn’t original. First off, credit goes to Phoenix, the ubercharged.net editor, for the original Medieval Fortress. He got the ball rolling. Next, credit to mrmof for making the map we play on. More credit goes to everyone on the ubercharged.net forum for making this work.

Probably the first thing you think of when you hear “The War Update” is a legion of flailing Highlanders touring around for your head. Many uprisings popped up with angry plebeians proclaiming that the Demoman should be demolishing things rather than cutting up his fellow man. The truth is that the Demoman was already just fine at demolishing, just like the Soldier was doing his job properly. More power for the demolishing demoman would’ve led to mass engineers on strike, and more ammo for the homely trap-setter would’ve been too boring. The solution was something entirely unheard of; turning the class into something entirely unrelated to its premise. Valve could’ve elected either the Soldier or the Demoman as the embodiment of this new tenth class, and I suspect they went with the Demoman because claymores.

However, just like with the Razorback, traditionally thinking (yes, thinking) demomen have been given a new toy to play with: the Scottish Resistance. Although the Resistance doesn’t contain catastrophic amounts of boring like the Razorback, it’s still not as potent as it could be. The main problem is that Resistin’ Demos just end up feeling less efficient than if they were using the regular Sticky Launcher and paying taxes like good citizens. That’s why I’m taking the time to describe, in detail, six things the Scottish Resistance is better at than the Winbomb Launcher.

Trap-Spotting

“Stop sitting around and do something!” – Berrito Mussolini

This is the capital (and most boring) purpose the Resistance has been advertised for. You put bombs around multiple doorways, pick a corner and wait. Wait until an unfortunate sod comes in, at which point you twitch in his direction and detonate all over him. More controlled twitchers (likely ex-CSS players) will rig a door on both sides, always keeping one set of stickies at hand in case a second poofter shows up. The big dilemma here is that you can’t place yourself too inclined with the doorway, or selective detonation becomes impossible (the crosshair isn’t adjusted to the cone of detonation); stand too much in front and your prey will see you before coming through. You could make use of this, though. Trick the enemy into taking an alternate route that has also been rigged, then feel bad as he denotes your trickery as ’spam’.

One thing I like to do to mess with people is to set up a trap, then throw a bunch of stickies at the enemy. Ever since the game’s initial release in 2007, players have been taught that one detonated sticky means a completely defenseless demoman. Sure, the Resistance stickies are visually distinct, but no sod is going to suspect you of planning ahead of time until it’s too late.

Another fun anecdote: on our UK-based server, Laharl concealed all fourteen stickies behind the intelligence in ctf_sawmill. I thought he was doin’ it wrong until I saw him blow up the medic+targelander combo that was running amok.

Carpet Weaving

“A fancy carpet for me to shit on.” – Diogenes

I believe this is where the true potential of the weapon lies. Dot a corridor with any number of stickies between eight and fourteen, and the enemy isn’t going to advance. Your entire creation won’t be ruined anymore by a single scout’s (no longer as spectacular) acrobatics, as you can choose to devote only part of your stickies to his combustion. After putting your carpet in place, you can proceed to spam the enemy team like you usually would. So you see, you’ll have not one, not two, but two and a half primary weapons. You’re like a bagpiper with three hands!

Just make sure you NEVER stand on your carpet. While it should sound awesome to fend off attackers from atop your own handiwork, Valve implemented a ‘buff’ to detonate stickies directly under you, supposedly for sticky jumping. Why do that when you have your own base to rig? To make matters worse, the detonation range is shorter than the distance one would use for horizontal jumping. Initially, the stickies’ whole prime time was ignored for point blank stickies. This led to:

Sticky-Punching

“A scout in your face is better than a spy in your back.” – Oscar Wilde

The non-existent prime time allowed you to detonate stickies before they were even properly fired, turning the Resistance into some manner of twisted, self-mutilating Scattergun. The Scouts, Pyros and Spies would either burst in tears due to nostalgia or think nothing is off because they’re used to being exploded by things they can’t see. It was a blast punishing those cocky ne’er-do-wells for their hubris, even if it had me blow up too in the process. Particularly devestating is an ubered ’sploder; the enemy would think nothing dangerous of a Demoman running idly into a bunch of enemies, allowing me to project eight point blank blasts into their face. It was like being a suicide bomber who can’t die. The kritzkrieg, however, is an entirely different story.

One other quirk of sticky-punching was sticky-punch-jumping. Aiming downward while jumping projected you perfectly forward (not useful on Orange X) with the power of three stickies and the damage of only two. Trying to aim your jumps apart from this method is More often than not, you’ll end up ramming yourself into the ground, dying from fall damage. So it really was nothing like this.

Alas, the prime time has been re-added in a recent patch, making sticky jumping with the Resistance even more clunky. Complete removal of the tweak will likely make the following tactic more viable:

Suicide Bombing

“I invade your country in the name of liberty!” – George W. Bush

Here’s what you do. Go to an enemy control point and get your stickies all over it.  As you’re capping, the enemy will likely send flimsy scouts and pyros your way, followed by seasoned but slower soldiers and heavies. Before, all you could do was try and dispatch the scout with scrumpy or blow up the both of you in the name of honour and scout-killing. With the Resistance, you can ensure his destruction while you continue towards capture. Especially effective on A/D maps; the stickies’ longer prime time won’t matter because by the time the enemy gets to you, their point will have been impurified. You can also try confounding attackers on the final point of cp_badlands (you know, when you jump up and get stuck somewhere in the silo).

Use this tactic and you’re almost certain to capture the final point. Well, if Valve changes the weapon. Until then, the Resistance is still most efficient at…

Spawncamping

“The classes must be evened out at regular intervals.” – Leon Trotski

Okay, you may not want to hear it and you probably already know, but on unmoderated servers, the Scottish Resistance can effectively lock down a team. The main drawback of spawncamping with the regular Sticky Launcher is that your entire collection of stickies is wasted with each smelly unfortunate killed. With the resistance, you can add layers of spam in front of the spawn door, or if that’s not subtle enough, try rigging all four sides of the door! You’ll have plenty of time to patch up after each detonation. Like with Trap-Spotting, many fools will think the coast is clear when the first of your victims blows up.

In case you don’t like 32-man instant respawn 2fort/cp_orange_william, you can try doing this at the BLU exits in Gravelpit. Not even UC2’s admins will slay you (I think).

Distinguished Destruction

(hain)

“A Targelander is to a Resistance user what a Hoplite is to a Belgian falling out of a tree.” – Gaius Julius Ceasar

Okay, I admit it. The Resistance feels like a nerfed sticky launcher. But because of that, it’s so much more immersing and fun! Plus, the kill icon is stylish, and says “I have just outwitted you in a way not typical of your preconceptions of a demoman!” Eventually I switched back to the Sticky Launcher because the point blank detonations were annoying me, and when I did, it made the Demoman seem such a boring class. Even though I could do this again, the gratification was lost. This happens when you try doing things the easy way, rather than the sexy way.

Remember when the weapon was first revealed? The CQC kit had stepped on many a demoman’s toes. Now a particularly awesome weapon was revealed, and already the Poor and Irish couldn’t bear with the thought of having to deal with fourteen stickies. When the update hit us, the Targelanders rose to power en masse and the Resistance was dismissed as awkward and disappointing just because it can’t be spammed with as easily. In my days of Resisting, I made many cretins call me a ’spammer’ regardless. I used to entrench myself in the enemy’s vents on ctf_turbine and blow up a team’s worth of players, much to the amusement of my vent-mates. For this alone do I find it worthwhile to use the Scottish Resistance.

Indulge me dear reader; just the other day I was playing a game of Team Fortress Two with my good companion Sir Tygrys when an observation was made. Checking the scoreboards, one notices that many of you are sporting digital avatars that are ill-fitting for such a Gentle Manne’s game.

Now perhaps you can get away with this shameful display on other counties of the Internet, but this is Ubercharged; my companion and I agreed we must do something about it.

And so Sir Tygrys, being a master of the arts, began work producing a collection of Team Fortress 2 inspired portraits tailored for Gentle Menne with an eye for the latest in style. Before presentation I must insist that neither of us will be held responsible if, upon glancing these works of art, your monocle falls into your tea.

But without further ado allow me to present to you our works, complete with the accompanying press release from the newly formed T&T Industries:

T&T Industries is happy to announce the release of our very own avatar pack, more precisely the ‘T&T Industries Classy Classes Avatar Pack’.

This pack was specially designed for all of you who understand the need to be classy in all your digital ventures. This splendid pack comes in two styles: BLU and RED, to suit individual customer preferences. You will find that they have been readily scaled down to 184×184 pixels, so they are immediately ready to use on Steam the very moment you download them to your drive.

All of these spiffing avatars were made by two masters of fine art – Sir Tygrys Murdock and Sir Tesla Sherbonk, with extra thanks to Sir Dont for improving the quality of the original images. Should you encounter either of them during your exploits in digital space, be sure to bid them thanks; they’ll be ecstatic to hear their work is appreciated.

Now go ahead and enjoy this fine art as we have prepared for you.

Remember our motto – quality is of the utmost importance and we strive to satisfy all of our customers.

Signed: T&T Industries Chairman of marketing

Willbur McTrackingster

You can download the newly improved v2 pack HERE, thanks to our friend Dont. You may also wish peruse the full sized imagery whilst you await the cheeseboard. Lastly, to those of you whom have no interest in showing some class, may I perchance interest you in a job sweeping out my chimney?

Yo what’s up?

Wasn’t expecting me, was youse?

Anyway, take this situation; it’s a lazy Saturday afternoon. All your homework (assuming you get homework) and chores are done, and you don’t enjoy just lazing around. So you fire up TF2, but there’s no one to play “competitively” with; only pubs around. Sure, they’re fun, but you don’t feel like it, plus you’d like to try and get a little better, which ain’t gonna happen there. What’s one to do?

Here’s a couple suggestions for Soldiers. And maybe Demomen.

BBall

Maybe you’ve heard of it, maybe not. Just to be on the safe side, I’ll explain in detail.

ctf_bball is a deathmatch sort of game, meant to be played 2 on 2, but also works with 1 on 1 (gets boring more easily) or 3 on 3 (more spammy). You’re in a basketball court with only moderate-height walls to jump off, and the objective is to land the flag in the enemy net. You run Soldier or Demoman, with a max of one Demoman. Simple no?

But what’s stopping people from playing something other than those two classes? Nothing, but people, which is alright, since most people who look for bball servers are in a similar mindset. It’s that simple really.

Training includes playing with other good sollys and demomen, and it helps airshots (the enemy needs jumping to score). You could also play scout, though only FaN scouts can reach the net, and it’s pretty iffy. It also helps walljumping (based off long jumps rather than height jumps) and airstrafing (scoring).

There’s a few dedicated bball servers that aren’t locked, plus some regular servers have it on the map list; type “ctf_bball” into the map choice for a collection. UC servers #2 and #3 also have it, although you’ll need an admin to start it. Typical etiquette includes no using sticky bombs to attack, and to a lesser extent, the shotgun is discouraged.

On the subject, there are two different maps that follow the style. One is ctf_pro_bball.

It improves over the original in a few, most notably a shoot-through backboard which prevents people from cheaply knocking you off scoring by shooting it. There’s also ctf_ballin, which is about the same as pro_bball, but a little prettier, and doesn’t limit you to 3 captures. Both look much better than plain ctf_bball though. Give ‘em a run.

Ammomod

This is my personal favorite.

Basically, you fight in an arena against one other person, as either Soldier or Demoman. The map can be a plain room, or based on a notable portion of a stock map, like Gravel Pit’s tower, Badlands Spire, Granary’s mid point, etc..
Both are given 1600 health and unlimited ammo. First one to go down loses.

It’s really simple, but the added health and ammo gives you plenty of room to practice without having to respawn after a few shots. There’s a few servers dedicated to it around; for example, in the US:
- Clan Vortex – 67.212.189.186:27093
- Exodus Society – 216.52.148.129:27015

I mostly go to thenoid’s ammomod, which is at 67.202.71.165:27015. You’ll probably run into some really good players if you do run by, so the best advice I can give is don’t go in expecting to do well.

And if you ever run into Solid Snake, do yourself a favor and have a key bound to “explode.”

Spireking

Spireking is like ghetto ammomod for soldiers – like ammomod, it’s 1v1. There’s a badlands spire in the center of the map, and both players battle for control of the top, where there’s a control point. Unlike ammomod, though, you start with 200 health, but you’re continually resupplied with full ammo and health every 4 seconds. That means that to score a kill, you need to deal out 200 damage in 4 seconds. What better way to do that than by nailing some awesome airshots?

Since spireking doesn’t work well for matches bigger than 1v1, you’re unlikely to find any public servers for it. However, since it’s a standalone map, you don’t need a bunch of mods to run it on your server, as you do with ammomod. This makes it great for clan training. If you have a server, or have access to a private server, give this map a go.

Tr_Walkway

Get it. Now.

Ha, but no seriously. Originally an ESG-only beta by wiseguy and washipato (trust me, it wasn’t that great when it was in beta), it’s now available to the general public, and there probably isn’t any better aerial training bar playing against other people. The launcher is a great asset, and a couple hours on this thing I assure you will greatly improve your prediction skills .Unless they’re already maxed, in which you’ve still got a bunch of commands to mess with to make it harder.

And if you’re like me, when your ping rockets because somebody in the dorm is torrenting… stuff… you can always fire up a listen server.

There’s also modifications for stairstab and eagle stab training in there, but honestly, who falls for stairstabs anymore, and who plays Spy anyway?

And while you’re at it, try a couple headshots.

___________________________________________________________________________

That concludes this article for today. Seriously, get a server, or become friends with someone who does, so you can reap the benefits of Spireking and BBall. Until next time, good night and good luck.

Give a big hand to Secret Agent Clank, on his first contribution to the Competitive TF2 Guide. Future installments of the guide are going to be generally shorter and more specific than the first nine. Thanks for the support, readers. -himmelstoss

Continuing with the series of articles on competitive TF2 written by clubtheseals and I: the Demoman. As the only Scottish class in the game, Demomen are generally expected to be the most all-around awesome folks around. Three cheers for Scotland! Apologies for the hiatus, folks.

The Demoman is one of the most versatile classes in the TF2, and that versatility makes him especially useful on a competitive 6v6 team. Accordingly, the Demoman has a number of disparate objectives:

• Area denial
• Forward support
• General splash damage
• Alternate ubercharge target

Area Denial

This is perhaps the most important role of the Demoman in competitive play. If you’ve played the game enough to understand this guide, you probably have realized that going close to sticky traps, especially those placed by vigilant Demomen, is suicidal.

Wouldn’t you know it, it is suicide. But that’s good! As a Demoman, you can exploit that fact to seal off choke points and prevent the enemy team from advancing.

There are two ways you could go about this.

The first option is to plant a carpet of stickies in plain sight. This usually stalls the enemy team for a few seconds. In 6v6 play, sticky carpets can be surprisingly robust. Pyros and Heavies can make mincemeat out of sticky traps with the airblast and the minigun, but they’re generally so situational that they’re unlikely to be around in a competitive game. In essence, it’ll take a while to shoot every single sticky, which is, naturally, in your favor. One caveat: the fastest way to clear a sticky carpet is not to shoot every sticky, but to kill the Demoman who planted the stickies in the first place. Expect the enemy’s scouts to hound you – more on that later.

The enemy team could either run over the sticky carpet (netting you a kill or two), shoot the stickies (which takes a few seconds), or find an alternate route (which can also take a while, allowing your team to fortify its position). If you can lay down a sticky carpet at a well-traveled choke point, such as the house at the middle capture zone of Badlands, you can delay the enemy team’s advance quite a bit, giving your team an immense advantage (read on if you want a visual explanation).

The second option is to use the sticky bomb launcher to ambush the enemy. This entails placing stickies in places that the enemy is unlikely to see them, like so:

The obvious advantage here is that you can kill enemy team members who are unaware of the danger; the caveat is that you won’t stall the enemy (unless, of course, you kill a player who is key to the enemy’s advance, such as their medic). When setting up such ambushes, it’s generally better to place stickies above doorways and on ceilings, where surprisingly few people bother to look.

Forward Support

Demomen are great for area denial, but they have another huge advantage – their mobility. The Demoman, in the right hands, is the fastest class in the game. What this means to you is that you can go ahead of your team and pave the way for them. To draw an analogy here: Let’s say that you’re rock climbing with a friend, and you, the Demoman, are the point climber. You climb up ahead and drive a pylon in to the cliff face, by which your partner (the rest of your team) can climb up (advance) safely. However, as with rock climbing, don’t go too far ahead of your team. It may help to partner with a Scout who can defend you.

Fast Mid

The Demoman’s sticky jump technique enables him to reach the middle capture area of most 5-CP maps (especially Badlands) in record time. Top-level demomen can reach the middle long before the scouts get there. The fastest jumps to mid are quite different for different maps, and the best way to learn them is to watch publicly available demos on websites such as GotFrag and RedrumDemos (note, however, that most of the older demos will not work any more because of recent patches). Moving on:

Once at mid, a Demoman’s job is to try to pave the way for his team.

On Badlands, for instance, you can lay a sticky carpet in the “house” choke point, cutting off the most important route for the enemy and possibly forcing them to take the much more dangerous “valley” route (the area under the central bridge). In the following images, potential sticky trap locations are circled in red.

On Fastlane, you could try to get on the roof of the structure on top of mid. As with a soldier, height advantage is enormously useful. Never underestimate the power of explosives raining down from the sky! But at the same time, sticky jumps take out too much of your health to use frequently. Ask your Medic if “Overheal” is right for you.

Capping

In some areas, Demomen are indispensable for capturing points. Once again, the same principles of area denial and forward support apply.

In the above scenario, I have sticky jumped up to the Badlands spire (the Demoman is certainly very well-suited to capturing such a CP) and am capturing it – in some sense, I’m driving the pylon into the cliff face. The easiest route that the defenders could take to get to the spire is the balcony; accordingly, I’ve locked the balcony down with some sticky carpets. I’m still vulnerable to soldiers rocket jumping from the yard, though.

Note: the Badlands spire is a bit of an exception, because it’s elevated and easily reachable by Demomen, giving any Demoman on top immense height advantage. In that case, it’s a good idea to try to get up top and capture. In the majority of cases, capture zones are extremely exposed, and if there’s any talent a Demoman lacks, it’s the ability to defend himself.

The rule of thumb really is to try to seal a choke point ahead of your team’s position. It just so happens that in the Badlands spire, the best place to seal the chokes is on the CP. Not so with any of the other maps.

General Splash Damage

I hate to say it, but by this, I mean spam.

Intelligent spam.

In essence, using your pipes and stickies, keep dishing out damage. Even if the damage isn’t enough to kill your enemy, try to weaken them enough that your team’s scouts can finish them off.

I’m not going to go into depth on this point; there really isn’t much I can say about it. The best teacher here is practical experience; for these articles, the authors will stick mainly to strategic discussion.

Alternate Ubercharge target

Let’s face it, all you Soldiers out there. When it comes to sheer destructive power, Demomen leave you in the dust.

My personal opinion is that if the Medic has a Kritzkrieg ready to go, it’s better to charge the Demoman than the Soldier. This is a common tactic in European leagues, where the focus, rather than being on the Pocket Soldier-Medic combo, is really on the team’s Demoman. The team tries to keep their Demoman alive as long as possible in order to land heavy damage on the enemy (the Demoman, arguably, is the best class for that role).

Unfortunately, Demomen are supremely ill-equipped for defending their Medics, which is why Soldier-Medic combos are so much more common. However, in certain situations (especially those involving Kritzkriegs, toothpaste, and cans of cat food), Demoman ubers can be just the thing.

If your team chooses to run a Demoman-Medic combo for some time, make sure that the combo is very well defended! Unlike Soldier-Medic combos, which can defend themselves, Demoman combos require the Scouts and Soldiers to stick around and defend the medic from the enemy players, especially enemy Scouts.

Scouts are your arch-nemeses.

Try your best not to mess with scouts. They can take you down in two hits, they’re hard to hit, they’re fast, and they’re strong. Plus, as a Demoman, it’s not exactly easy to defend yourself. You don’t have the luxury of rocket jumping away, either.

But it’s possible to meet a Scout and live.

(No, cp_well doesn’t actually look like that. This is a custom skybox in ubercharged.net TF2 server 3).

The best way, of course, is just to stay alive and call for backup. If you can get a friendly Scout, or better yet, Soldier in the fray, you have a very good chance of living.

Scouts are fast and hard to hit, but they also have very low HP. Two direct explosive attacks will kill a Scout.

To survive, try to put some distance between you and the scout. If you can lay a small sticky carpet on the ground between you and the Scout, you have a good shot at escaping (but beware of the pistol, it’s a surprisingly deadly weapon at mid range).

Resist the temptation to blow up the stickies prematurely. Even the best scouts forget about sticky traps sometimes. If you can leave them on the ground for a while, it’s possible that the enemy Scout will inadvertently go over one. You have to be vigilant, though, to catch them when they’re doing so.

Also, if you can land one sticky hit on them, they’ll go high in the air, where you can take them out with an easy airpipe. If they double jump in the air to dodge, they’ll certainly take fall damage, and regardless, you can send a pipe flying towards wherever they’re going to land.

Oh, and…

If you get a ‘Fro, you are likely to be respected more. When the enemy sees that hairdo in their deathcams, they’ll want to grovel at your feet. Guaranteed.

The top hat too. Everyone respects respectable Scottish gentlemen.

Sadly, I’m still waiting on the pseudorandom number generator to decide that it’s time that I get some respect.

That’s it. It’s been a week. I’m posting this.

Before I start, I want to mention that this is in no way a definitive post on what should be done with TF2 and the mechanics of said game. These are my opinions, and mine alone, and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Feel free to comment, though.

Anyway, I was on LoR the other day and was wondering to myself “If I were an employee at Valve and I were one of the guys changing the weapons to improve the game (FaN buff anyone?), what would I do?” So I went through the equipment, one by one, and here is a list. If it’s not mentioned, I don’t think it needs changing, but feel free to give your opinions anyway.

Yes, it’s another one of those articles.

Each change will be rated out of five, with 1 being “completely unnecessary change,” 3 being “could work,” and 5 being “great idea, methinks.”

Scout

So I’m going to leave the Scattergun and the FaN alone, firstly because the Scattergun is fine, and secondly because you need perfect aim (not hard at point blank, though) to get that 2 shot kill-anything-but-the-Heavy strikes, which balances it somewhat I suppose. That was a pretty uninspired buff, really.

Pistol
Just about perfect, although a lot of times I find myself wishing I had more ammo, especially when playing soccer. Perhaps Valve could increase the ammo count by one or two clips, although I’m not sure what this would do to balance, particularly in scrims.
Rating: 2 out of 5

BONK! Atomic Punch
Now this thing right here is somewhat of a problem. It’s mostly a gimmicky escape tool, and no really good Scout would surrender his (or her) pistol for a slim chance at escaping (the enemy can easily chase you down). It is DEFINITELY not doing much to fulfil its original goal: to allow Scouts to bypass their #1 nemesis, the sentry. Only a handful of situations sees actual use (distracting a sentry, mostly).

Solution 1: Reduce the slowdown after-effect a little so that Scouts still have a fighting chance, maybe 100%? Speed is their primary weapon, after all, and most who don’t escape to a safe place are easily mowed down anyway.
Rating: 2 out of 5

Solution 2: Allow an alternate fire that causes you to slow down initially, THEN get invulnerability. This would help with the original conception of giving Scouts access to areas previously blocked by sentries. To make up for this, you will be slowed down for ten seconds, with no notice of when the invuln starts. Alternatively, we could have 6-8 seconds of slowdown beforehand, then only have 2 or so seconds after the invuln. Cannot be stopped once activated.
Rating: 3 out of 5

The Sandman
Ahh, yes, the controversial child; now more balanced, although it’s still incredibly irritating to get hit with (and incredibly giggly to use), and still banned from CEVO. However, there’s something on my mind that I’m sure a lot have been thinking of; bind mouse1 to attack with the bat and mouse2 to launch the ball, instead of the current system.
Rating: 5 out of 5

Soldier

Ah yes, the crazy one. I see no necessary or even interesting changes to the class. Dismissed!

Pyro

Now here’s a class I grief  about along with the Scout. However, unlike the Scout, I find it takes a fair bit less skill to use, and is far too rewarding for what it is. A higher skill ceiling and floor platform would be nice to have.

So, here’s my proposals.

Flamethrower
Idea 1: The Compression Blast is ridiculously fun to use, indeed it is, and is very annoying when you face a Pyro who’s actually skilled with who actually uses it. But it’s still the Pyros main, and a pain to encounter. Remember the old, broken, incredibly overpowered Ambassador? Unlike the tough weapon to use it is today, that is what is being used by the flamethrower. I’m not saying we get rid of that though. That would be stupid.

I recommend a slight reduction of the flames hitbox to fit the animations, so that Pyros will actually have to aim more and spam less in order to win their kills. The advantage? Compression blasts take 5 less ammo to use, giving you a total of 10 on a full tank. I’m (partially) sure many would approve.

It would also match the actual animations we see. Even if not, at the very least, change those animations to match what the Pyro can actually do.

Yes, I know the music is weird. Shut up.
Rating: 3 out of 5

The Backburner
This one. Yes… this one.

Well, here’s the deal. Many, many, MANY Pyros use it. And not really “use” it, so much as equip it.

The thing is, too many equip it over the flamethrower because of the occasional free crits and the fact that they never use the airblast anyway (the stingy, teamworkless, usually unskilled twits). Very few actually try ambushing and flanking the original Pyro was made for, and the Backburner was made for, and I guess I don’t blame them too much.

The solution? Originally thought up by Christopher Livingston (creator of Concerned) on his (old) (abandoned) TF2 comic blog 1Fort, this involved reducing the backburners range somewhat and slightly increasing it’s cone of fire + hitbox for crits. The benefits? You can attack bigger groups with it, IF you use it right,  while reducing the number of DURR HURR MUST CHARGE ENEMY type Pyros that consume so many games. I really thought this was a neat idea, number crunching notwithstanding.
Rating: 4 out of 5

Alternatively, reduce the damage from the front, I dunno. 1 out of 5.

Generic flamethrower idea
Make the flamethrowers have to connect with a certain amount of an enemy’s model before it sets him alight. Still does regular damage if you don’t connect enough, but Pyros would also have to do more than touch the enemy for the free 50-60 damage.
What? It could work.
Rating: 2 out of 5

The Flare Gun

This is my beloved in my 70-80 odd hours as Pyro. I love grabbing the attention of Snipers, and setting people on fire at a distance, and it’s not terribly easy to use either (like the flamethrowers). However, a recent update came out; the reverse damage falloff is gone, but it now mini crits enemies that are already on fire.

This I’m not too a big fan of because:
1) I was toataly MLG prO wif flare wepon at long raenge
2) The mini crit requires that the enemy be on fire, and it does 10 extra damage.

The 10 extra damage helps, I suppose, but I’m still not buying it. I could get 10 extra damage easily enough by spamming flames wildly in the enemy’s general direction. 50, in fact. Flaregun meh, revert plz Velav.
Rating: 2 out of 5

Fireaxe

That is all.

Demomahn

Ahh, the controversial Demoman. My 2nd most played class, and one of my favorites. What’s there to change?

In honesty, although I wasn’t in TF2 from the beginning (August of last year), I agree with most, if not all of Valve’s nerfs. 6 grenades would have been way too spammy, as would 32 spare shots (if my sources are right). Stickies would completely lock out areas, and merely moving them takes forever without an airblast (and that’s assuming they’re on the floor), so it’s only right that they can be destroyed (and they can’t be destroyed easily save Heavies). Having grenades explode on ANY contact (if GB isn’t lying) creates a lot of fear (and spam). And sticky spamming is prevalent, so the close range damage nerf was alright (although the least inspired/goodideaish of the nerfs)

What can I bring to the table, then? Sticky spamming is still common, although any Demoman who relies purely on stickies is at a big disadvantage in my point of view. So, perhaps an increase to 5 grenades and a reduction to 7 stickies, or even 6/6? It could work. Maybe. Not all that important, though, come to think of it.
Rating: 2 out of 5

The Heavy

Natasha
DON’T BE JEALOUS, SASHA.

I still find this gun to be woefully underused, due in part to a couple of mistakes (the initial 66% damage miscode before the Scout update and the speed reduction during the Scout update being 25% instead of 75%). So, what’s one to do?

I can’t really tell, to be honest. The better Heavies can aim well enough to kill without needing slowdown to make it easier. It needs to be played a more teamwork style, as mentioned earlier, but then the Heavy is already quite deadly when played together with a team, whichever weapon he uses (not to say that ninja heavies aren’t a threat). Helps ‘gainst Scouts & Pyros, but that’s most of it.

Thoughts?

The KGB

Honestly, who uses the fists after this except for being generally awesome with taunt kills? What heavy uses melee, in fact? How about making the fists always do mini crits?
Rating: 2 out of 5

And that concludes this 1500 word rant! Part dos on the Engineer through to the Spy will be coming out soon*.

Please discuss with civility.

Clank out. ~~

Good news, everyone!

We’ve been having a flow of alternating video posts for a while, and while most of them are good, it’s not really doing any work if we just throw it in there with some text. So, what better way to break that cycle than with a(nother) how-to-play strategery article!

Let’s take a look, shall we?

Emptying Your Payload
I’ll start with one of the more basic ones, in order to be comprehensive; the Demoman is the only class in the game that has practically TWO primary weapons (we can exclude the medic, methinks). Let it sink in.

Got it? Well, use them! If you’ve emptied a weapon, flick to the other. In fact, mix it up a little. The “q” button is your friend here; learning which weapon is appropriate at what times can help a fair bit, but the key idea here? Don’t bother reloading if you’re in immediate danger. You’ve got a total of twelve explosive rounds before you run (completely) dry.

And, of course, the whiskey bottle is always available for your lacerating pleasure.

Tracing Shots
This, of course, has been covered before, but aiming where your opponent is going to be is key to playing the Demoman, as it is with the Soldier (and Medic, in a pinch). And it’s true for both stickies and pipe bombs. People often run in a straight line when they don’t see any current threats. Predict which way they will run, OR look at which way they’re running, and send a bomb that way. It can be tempting to shoot directly at them, but this would only work if they started running back (some might, because their initial intention was to fool you).

As a Demoman, this is made even harder by the fact that you have to know the arc and travel speed of both your grenades and sticky bombs. Well, nobody said that the Demoman was an easy class to play. There’s really no quick way around it; little else but experience will bring you skill with this ability. If you’re a little more advanced than others, I recommends rocket_shooting and tr_airshot (although you might have them already), as well as training in some bball servers.

Boring details: stickies have more arc than grenades, and don’t travel as far either. They also fire slower.

Indirect Fire
Hey, you! Are you tired of having to be visible to your opponent to kill him all the time? Not just visible as in seen, but visible as in he can turn your way and send a boolet straight at your oversized head because he has a hundred more hours as X class than you?

Well, here’s your lucky day! Although it’s only up then down, the Demoman has (virtually) the only real indirect fire capability in TF2! What does this mean for you? Well, for starters, you can be shooting OVER things that are also covering you! Barrels, drums, raised control points, payload, buildings, ROCKS, even that silly overgrown meat-shield that usually hogs the middle of the battlefield with a Medic oozing more meat into his shield.

Of course, one needs not talk about sticky traps, because if you’ve never laughed your head off at someone who ran straight into a doorway full of the little buggers, then you’re not playing the Demoman right. Call now, and I’ll throw in a second pipe bomb, absolutely free!

Recuperating
Yes, emptying all your explosives as suggested above is hard work. At the end of the day, long as there’s two people left on the planet, someone is gonna want- sorry, wrong class.

What I meant to say was that one of the Demoman’s main weaknesses is his excessively long reload times. It takes over one second to even start reloading (not even including ping), and over ten seconds to fully regenerate your arsenal. To make full use of them, you need cover, and hiding WILL save you. You can do a thing or two:

1) Get to a dispenser – This will heal any damage done to you WHILE you’re reloading. A perfect complement to the Demoman is often a sentry nest, where you can take refuge while preparing to generate more Steam forum complaints.

2) Find a health/ammo pickup area – What better way to spend reload time than to be waiting for a health pack, eh? Ammo is important to, because if you’re doing well, chances are you are expending a LOT of ammo. Fill up, brah.

In addition, if you’re alone (or even if you’re not), reload a little, then lay a couple stickies at any potential attack points to give you cover. This will buy you time, and if not, will warn you of that incoming Pyro/Heavy.

The Power of Flight
Yes, there’s a trick to it.

To maximize absolute distance/height, you need to plant a sticky, be directly on top of it (while running forward), detonate, jump, and hold crouch all at the same time. It will take probably the most health for a single bomb jump, but will bring you great distances; for example, it should be enough for the 2fort battlement jump (although this is tough to pull off due to timing).

For a moderate displacement, do the same, but don’t crouch while jumping, and for a minimum distance (if for some reason you want it), don’t jump at all.

Grenade jumping is an alternative if you’ve already set up your stickies, but won’t get you too far. For the record, a pill explodes after about 2.25 seconds, so count two seconds if necessary.

_______________________________________

And now, for a couple of slightly more specific tricks.

Long, Narrow Corridors and Walkways Be Your Friend

Maybe you’re no Dr. Justice, but that’s fine, because you don’t always have to be perfect with those nades. Long, narrow areas where your opponent has nowhere to strafe to are some of my favorite areas, because hitting someone with pills there is easy, whether they be running towards or away from you.

Since they can only move in a straight line towards or away, all you have to do is line up the shot: no prediction needed. There are plenty of examples and usable areas, whether they be very narrow or just narrow enough for your opponent to escape. Try to keep a look out for these yourself the next time you’re playing the Demoman.

Sentry Removal
Easy enough, assuming you’re not under fire. Just stand out of it’s way and send explosives, preferably over an object, into a sentry.

Fun fact: Four direct grenades is enough to take out a level three sentry even if the Engineer is repairing it at the moment, and usually takes down the Engineer as well, assuming you have a good shot. If it’s backed into a corner, even better; they can’t run from your explosives.

Fun idea: If you’re taking on a sentry nest with an uber, and you’re almost out of charge, and there’s one sentry left with no Engineer, circlestrafe it with your bottle. This is a surprisingly effective tactic, as you can run around a sentry faster than it can spin (if close enough, i.e. melee range).

The Scout-Buster

Or at least, I like to call it that for it’s ability to take down any tunnel vision Scout, and even a few tougher ones – this trick involves laying stickies at your feet while a Scout is bouncing around you chipping off health, then running away from them when he gets close to you again, shortly before detonating. The idea is to circle  around for a couple of seconds so that the opponent feels it’s safe. After all, who would blow themselves up?

It is mostly only effective on Scouts, since other classes don’t do this as much, but it also works alright on Engineers, Medics, Snipers, Spies, and any other person that’s dodging excessively while attacking you.

Covering Entrances
So that anyone who dares question your authority gets blown to smitheroons (or takes some damage, at the very least).

When in an area, particularly holding ground or capping a point, it’s normal to cover any entrances/exits that enemies can come through with stickies, preferably somewhere they can’t see them. Take the spires of Badlands, for example. The enemy can come up the ramp, from the two elevated positions, or through the doors below. Stickies will deter them, if they’re smart enough to not walk straight into them.

The trick is to fire at one entrance, then fire at another. Repeat until all entrances have one, then shoot again at the first entrance, since you’re now covered (to say the least). Prioritizing is key; see below.

___________________________________________

Anyway, we’ve got a few tl;dr’ers around, so I’ll stop before I remember anything else. Yes, it was long, but I regret nothing! Feel free to comment, however, note that eediots veel be deported qwickly and painfully! Until next time, remember the Alamo.

Props if you get the reference.

It was a sunny, beautiful day. The noise of the distant morning commute could be heard for miles, and the wind swept throughout the outskirts of town. The grass grew, the birds flew, and the sun shone.

However, there was nothing beautiful about the carnage taking place during that day. The sun itself was a witness to yet another bloodbath spilled daily near the two bases owned by two major corporations.

There was a ferocious battle taking place in Dustbowl. BLU team was pushing into RED territory, and RED soon found itself holding on desperately to their last control point. The Heavy had waddled his way back into a corner of the control point with the Medic strafing around him to prevent any future backstabs. The Soldier and the Demoman were waiting at the entrance for the enemy. The Engineer was already fixing up his buildings in a snug little corner. And the  Spy and Pyro were making their regular rounds about the possible entrance routes.

As arrows flew and the Spy came back with the smell of burnt hair and clothing, the Heavy noticed the BLU sniper was aggressively attacking him with his new weapons. However, where was their sniper? And where’s that little baby man?

None of this, though, bothered the two gentlemen who had ditched the action for the relative peace at Gravelpit. In fact, they were sitting on a control point miles away, having their own little picnic.

The Sniper got out merely because of an excuse about his bladder. After convincing the Medic that all he needed was a trip to the bathroom (and not surgical removal with the bonesaw), he hopped into his van and sped off to rendezvous with the Scout, who complained that his ball had flown out of the fence and he had to go retrieve it. Poor excuses, but nobody missed the two. The battle went on without them.

So it was, the Sniper and the Scout having a dainty little picnic under the shade from their umbrella.

“Beer?”

“Nah. I prefer tacos.”

The two sat back, listening to the noises of gunfire and explosions in the distance. Occasionally, the Sniper would go on a high perch and “fire” off a few arrows in the general direction of the noises while the Scout would hit his balls (he found a couple of Sandmen on the way). That way, they could claim that they were “part of the action.”

Crunch, crunch

The Sniper’s ear quickly picked up on the noise. He quickly reached under the picnic blanket for his kukri.

Instead of an open confrontation, he received a faceful of gravel that stung his face.

“Hey!”

The Scout brushed at his face, upset at the annoyance. “Gravel? What a nuisance!”

Suddenly, a BLU spy appeared right before their eyes. Dressed in a blue pinstripe suit, he looked far too well-cut to kick gravel in somebody’s face. He carried a gold watch in his left hand, instead of his normal gray watch. He looked at the duo with sheer disgust.

The Spy sneered. “Haw haw haw, what are you going to do? Run five miles and shoot me?”

“Ye-; No…” The Sniper was at a loss for words. How did he know? With his severely underpowered submachine gun, he could not fight at close range combat effectively. His kukri was ineffective at dealing with someone who actually knew how to fight hand-to-hand.

The Scout, however, had no trouble dealing with those “dime-a-dozen backstabbing scumbags.” With a single blast of his scattergun, the sneering gentleman instantly fell to the ground. And died.

The Sniper took off his hat to pay his respects. How often did the Spy go down so quickly?

“Not often enough.”

The last thing the Sniper saw was a silver revolver with a huge barrel and engravings on its side. He also heard the Spy’s signature cackle, the laugh that told him that he had been backstabbed once again. How did he know?

And then the blood poured out from his head.

* * *

The Sniper sat in his van, feeling miserable at his failure. Not only did a BLU spy dispatch him and the Scout, he had been chastised severely for playing hooky. Obviously, somebody noticed and tattled, although it might have been one of those cameras that she installed everywhere, from the dorms to the latrines.

How did she know?

He remembered the chastisement from the Announcer. He had been summoned after he and the Scout bought some tacos from the taco truck outside of their dorms.

*FZZT* SNIPER PLEASE REPORT TO THE OFFICE *FZZT*

He knew what to expect. The middle-aged lady sat in her arm chair, back facing the Sniper. The lack of lighting only made it seem more ominous. The stench of her cigarette was overpowering.

“Tell me, why did you skip out on the match?”

The Sniper’s Adam’s apple bobbed.

“Well?”

He scratched his head. Time to use the excuse that he had used so often. “Well…nobody seems to think much of me, ma’am. I mean, they claim I hang back too much, and-”

She waved and cut him off. “I’ve given you two unlockables already. The Huntsman and the Razorback. If you can’t make use out of them, then I don’t see what use I can make out of you!”

She paused. “Get out, and do NOT disappoint me again.“

Now the Sniper was lying on his bed. He couldn’t confront his teammates. Not after he had ditched them. His only refuge now was the pile of comics he had under his bed. Superman, Batman, he loved them. None of them had the merits of Saxton Hale, though.

Saxton Hale. The Australian Alan Quartermaine. That handsome, muscular man with the large amounts of chest hair and incredibly short cut-off pants. He was his childhood hero, his idol and model. And like the Hank Aaron poster in the Scout’s dorm, he had posters of him. Pictures, flyers, comics, even fanfic that he never dared to publish. Whenever the Sniper had a bad day or just plumb was in a bad mood, he turned to Saxton Hale for answers.

He started flipping through his comic book. And there he found his answer.

It was a comic. And not just an ordinary one. It had somebody just like him, bullied around by a troublesome BLU spy. And on the second row, he saw himself, reading a similar comic. It was him, discovering Jarate.

Just like how I am learning about it now breathed the Sniper in amazement.

Suddenly, he yelped. He kicked a chair across the room. It was all coming to him now. And something happened just then -

He remembered everything. From the ancient Aborigines, he saw the ancient art in his head now. From the ancient ancestors of long past, he understood the guarded secret. And from the Australian blood in his veins, he felt a connection to Saxton Hale – the Australian Chuck Norris. This message was a god-send, and he was now a prophet.

I’ll never have to worry about lack of urinary privileges ever again! thought the Sniper as he cut out the order form and put in the $5 from the allowance money Mum sent him.

* * *

The box came to the Sniper almost two days after he sent the order in. In it were Saxton Hale Jarate pills, a trophy, and a couple of jars. However, the Sniper didn’t read the instructions. Even worse, he didn’t even read the part about the Saxton Hale Pain Tonic. It wasn’t in the box.

The Sniper downed the pills. Within seconds, he felt something near his sides expand. The size of his kidneys tripled as expected. They started filtering his liquid wastes like never before!

After a minute, he had completely filled all four jars. And he still needed more.

He had to keep it a secret though. After all, the instructions had told him to keep this secret art to himself for reasons of “public health and decency.”

It wasn’t easy. He saw the Announcer pop a few aspirins and a few forehead veins after he ran out of a briefing mid-meeting. The Heavy looked at him with an odd look on his face, troubled by the Sniper’s constant running in and out of the dining hall. He told the Engineer to take his night-watchman post, as he could not stay for a few seconds before having to urinate again.

I really gotta buy more jars thought the Sniper as he walked to his van to take a trip to the local convenience store.

Hours later, the Medic came across the moaning and mumbling Sniper, clutching his chest as if he wanted to rip his organs out.

* * *

The Sniper woke up to a world of aches and pains. He felt as if a million little Spies were inside him, puncturing his organs with their butterfly knives. It felt as if his organs were shutting down. He was bedridden and had to be kept under watch 24/7 to prevent his symptoms from getting worse. Only the Sniper’s glassy, pitiful eyes prevented the good Doc from satisfying his curiosity on him.

“He looks awful.”

“Musta been the tacos.”

The Sniper took the trash can and vomited for the 14th time in the day. And most of that vomit was blood, too.

Being between life and death and teetering towards the latter, he thought of his Mum and his Dad. He thought of past memories on the range, living on his own in the outback before he had been taken away to fight for RED. Most importantly, though, he thought of his friends, his teammates that he had abandoned. He should’ve helped him – after all, he was of some importance, right?

“Maybe I should’ve been a doctor like Dad said,” groaned the Sniper as he gave in to his exhaustion.

* * *

White. Was he in heaven? All he could see was white.

He blinked. No. It was some sort of material. What was it?

A paper. It was familiar. As the light reached the Sniper’s eyes, he saw that it was quite colorful. The morning light was going through the paper, filtering the colors from the other side.

He turned it over. It was that same comic, the one he had read back in his trailer. Before he had gotten himself into this mess with that Jarate crap.

How could you, Saxton Hale?

Looking closely at the paper though, he saw discrepancies. The first part of the comic was just the way it was before. However, in the last part of the comic, he saw that the original drawings had been scribbled over. In its place was a crude drawing of figure reminiscent of the BLU Spy. Underneath his feet was a corpse with a knife sticking out of the back. And that corpse was on a hospital bed…

No…

He heard a chuckle. He heard the flicking of a knife. He heard it too often. And for once, he found himself helpless. Even scared.

The BLU Spy flicked his knife once more as he advanced on the bed, carrying with him a sinister aura. The Sniper swore that he could fit a slice of watermelon in the Spy’s smile.

The Sniper got off the bed and backed away. The adrenaline was pumping within him now. He took out his kukri. If he was going to die, he would with his face to the enemy.

The Sniper glared at the Spy. “How did you get in here?”

The Spy smirked. “Your poor fat friend was obviously distracted with his disgusting food. The Sandviches. When I killed him, he found three other sandviches just lying around. Fat got his tongue.”

He lit a cigarette. “I see that you’ve resorted to desperate measures just to defeat me. You disgust me. You were so gullible, falling for that lowbrow ruse I called Jarate.”

The Sniper’s jaw dropped. “How did you know?”

“I sneaked into your trailer. I gave you something from your so-called childhood hero, Saxton Hale, who is obviously in financial trouble. I mean, who would charge people $5 just to teach them how to piss in a jar?

“The truth is, I did it to humiliate you. What would the world think of a the great “Adelaide Assassin”? He now pisses in a jar just to defeat someone like me!” The Spy’s laugh rang throughout the room. “You’re nothing, you don’t stand a chance against me. And the world will finally see the fool in you. And I will finally be known as the best class in the world!”

Then, once again, he disappeared.

Blood pounded in the Sniper’s head. What am I going to do? His teammates were gone, he was alone with a kukri against a skilled assassin. He rushed out of the room in sheer panic.

“You can run, but you can’t hide!” rang out a voice somewhere near the Sniper.

He rushed down the hallway. As much as his sides ached, he had to keep going. he didn’t know where to go, or what to do when he got there. His legs just carried him.

“What are you going to do? Run 20 meters and shoot me?”

The Sniper burst into the lab room, where the Medic usually operated on his hapless subjects. He bolted the door and sat on the blood-stained operating table, gasping for breath. There was nothing he could do…

I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going to die-

“Peekaboo!”

An arm snaked out of nowhere and slashed at the Sniper. Had it not been for the Sniper’s quick reflexes, he would’ve received more than just a facial wound. Nevertheless, the shock of it all drove the Sniper back into a row of shelves, where the Medic was studying the Sniper’s urine samples.

The Sniper, bloodied and battered, looked up above him.

Take it…

As if on instinct, the Sniper snatched a jar from the shelf. What am I going to do with this jar of urine?

Use it…

“Maybe they should bury you in that van you call home!” cackled the Spy as he raised his knife for the kill.

Now!

The Sniper tossed the jar of urine. As it arched across the room, the Spy’s smirk was quickly replaced by one of shock. It was then replaced with a look of fear.

The jar shattered as the Spy received a faceful of the Sniper’s liquid bodily wastes. The urine stained the Spy’s Hugo Boss suit. There was a sound of electricity, and then the Spy was fully uncloaked.

“Is this…?!” cried the Spy in anguish.

With the last ounce of his strength, the Sniper stabbed the Spy with his kukri. Before the Spy died, though, he gave the Jarate master a look of agony, a look of the deepest hate that one could possibly possess.

The Spy spat out these last words through his gritted teeth: “I HATE -”

The Sniper took out his kukri and the Spy fell to the ground covered in the Sniper’s urine and his own blood.

The Adelaide Assassin paid his respects.

* * *

The following days passed quickly. After finding the Spy’s cache of Saxton Hale Pain Tonic Pills (which he took from the box before it was delivered to the Sniper), he quickly recovered.

The Medic didn’t get to satisfy his curiosity. However, the Sniper’s incredibly effective kidneys never ceases to amaze the Medic.

The RED and BLU Spy’s disgust for the Sniper only grew. “Filthy jar man,” they would mutter behind the Sniper’s back.

Thanks to the Sniper’s ingenious new weapon, he could now fight effectively at close-range. He would toss his jar of urine at the enemies. They would cower in fear and lose the will to live. They would die either from the Sniper’s kukri or from the bullets of his teammates. And even if they escaped, it would haunt every living, waking moment of their lives.

Even better, everybody was now grateful to the Sniper for saving his life when the Engineer accidentally left the task of grilling burgers to the Pyro. They were all a little disgusted, but nevertheless, grateful. And the Sniper quickly learned that he was now a team player, and that friendship is indeed golden.

After a day of chucking his jars around, the Sniper retired to the trailer. On his desk was not only a picture of his parents, but also a jar of urine.

And if you look closely enough in the yellowish fluid, you can see the smiling, rugged muscular Australian man who turned the Sniper into a weapon of mass destruction. It’s cheap, it’s found everywhere, it’s easily used -

It’s Jarate.

Author’s note: Loyal readers, (Have we known each other long enough, can I call you Loyal Readers, or is that too personal?) I know you must all be sick of these kinds of articles by now, but I guess the writing staff at Ubercharged.net has spring fever, and there are very few of us around, so you guys will have to take what you can get until the spring fever goes away.

Anyway, in eight months we’ll have had Team Fortress 2 in our game libraries for two years. That’s a big milestone. Two years of playing maps. Two years of updates. Two years of Demoman nerfs. We’ve had all this time to play Team Fortress 2, and observe the classes.

But what if the classes had the chance of observe us? What if they all knew they were in a video game? How would they react when exposed to Valve and the community?

Scout: I see the Scout taking the realization that he’s a video game character the best. He would get a huge ego boost over the fact that there were people playing as him all over the world. He would join the Steam forums and be annoyingly pro-sandman. Anything to give himself an edge.

Soldier: The Soldier would probably be disappointed in most Soldier players. He’d probably think anyone with less than a thirty kill streak unworthy of playing him. When introduced to the real world, he would find a job in management and whip some maggot department into shape.

Pyro: To quote the Pyro himself, “Mrph mrmm mm mp mrm mmmm!”

Demoman: Demoman would be very angry at Valve for nerfing him so much. He’d question the sensibility of nerfing the Demoman on the word of only the Steam forums. Then, finding that nobody was listening to him, he’d get drunk on the strongest booze he could find.

Heavy: Heavy would tell the Steam forum users to cry some more, then go join a real wrestling league and beat up puny babies untill he was fired for being too violent with his defeated enemies. After that, he would probably join the military. Heavy would love all those fancy new automatic weapons.

Engineer: Engineer would be one of the most unaffected by the revalation. In fact, I see him going to work for Valve. The image of him whacking away at the Half-Life episode 3 demo with his wrench is pretty funny. Maybe he’ll make it so you’ll get scurvy if you pirate it.

Medic: Medic would find no companionship with actual doctors. He would be severely disappointed with the lack of hurting within the medical practice. Perhaps he could get along with pediatricians. Most likely, he would follow Heavy into the army and revolutionize battlefield medicine with the ubercharge. Or many not, Team Fortress 2 tactics would never work in a real-life battle.

Sniper: Sick of being hated all the time, the Sniper would flee Team Fortress 2 and everything related to it. He could take up assassination and make millions, or maybe get his own reality show. “The Wankerdile Hunter.” I forsee big bucks no matter what career path the Sniper takes.

Spy: The Spy would probably be motified at this revalation. All his secret operations laid bare for the world to see. He would disappear into the real world, and no one would hear from him again… Or would they? Mysterious deaths and corporate takeovers abound.

The Announcer: Fools, she already knows. Most likely, every world leader is under the Announcer’s thumb somehow. She also runs Valve, Gabe Newell is her cofee-boy.

See you on the other side, friends.

If you have recently expierienced head truama and care about what Sheepshifter is doing these days, check out his twitter by copy and pasting the following address into your browser because he cannot figure out how to make links all fancy right now. https://twitter.com/Sheepshifter

It was two in the morning and Angus hadn’t slept a wink. The orphanage was infamous for its poor living quarters. Take away the mattress and you wouldn’t feel a difference, he thought.

But it wasn’t just the beds that kept him up. He had a hangover. At two in the morning. His first one, in fact – droplets of bitter alcohol had only run down his tender throat several hours ago at early noon. Every time he shifted in the bed, he felt his insides sway back and fourth like a precarious fishing boat out on the North Sea. As the ocean of his bodily fluids twisted and turned, he limped once more to the bathroom. As he knelt, looking down into the grimy toilet seat, he thought to himself. ‘Some people get addicted to this stuff’. He puked. ‘At least I know I’ll never become an alcoholic’.

It was two in the afternoon when Angus finally got out of bed. Although the sickness had passed, he still felt as if someone had been setting off explosions in his head. He quickly changed and went down the creaky steps to the kitchen to make himself some brunch. It was surprising nobody had arisen him sooner, then he remembered it was a Sunday, the ‘day of rest’. Angus couldn’t be bothered with it. As he poured out some soggy cereal, Malcolm drifted through. Malcolm was like a ghost; he haunted the residents of the orphanage like a poltergeist, appearing when it was preferable that he didn’t.

“Hey, looks like the alcho got himself up” he sneered.

“Shut it, Malcolm. I don’t drink.” Angus grunted, chewing his cereal vigorously.

“What did you have? A wee dram? Buckie?”

“No. Just scrumpy.”

“Haha, really?” He let out a snort as he laughed. “So just some apple juice with alcohol?”

Angus let out a long sigh. His head began to pulse.

“Alcohol and bomb making are a terrible combination, you know.” Malcolm smiled, his eyes almost lifeless within their sockets.

“Don’t bring up this crap again.” Angus snapped.

“Hey, I’m not the one who blew up his adoptive parents to smitheroons.”

Angus clenched the spoon in his hand tightly. Malcolm would bring back memories that Angus had wished he’d forgotten. He was six years old when his first set of parents died from an ‘unexplained explosion’ from within their house… Something to do with the heating element in the oven being tampered with. By a six year old. It was an accident, of course, and in fact Angus remembers little of the incident.

“Sod off, man.” Angus retorted.

“Fine, whatever. I’ll be seeing you tonight.”

“Tonight? What’s happening tonight?”

“Guy Fawkes.”

With that, Malcolm drifted out of the door in which he came. Angus had completely forgotten about Guy Fawkes, after his small debacle the night before. Even as a small child, he had always been intrigued by explosives. With his first adoptive parents, he remembered tumbling outside to see the fireworks being set off. The beautiful shades of red and green, the glittering streaks of colour across a pitch black sky. During his early teens, he attempted to make his very own fireworks, ones which would be brighter, stronger and more striking than any seen before. Unfortunately, the only thing his fireworks did strike was a hole through the kitchen wall. Since then, Angus had to take his gear out in the woods. Until he started a minor forest fire, of course. The Forestry Commission were ‘nothing short of mad’ at Angus for his little experiments, leading him to simply stop his disastrous hobbies altogether. The closest he got to anything explosive in recent years was at Guy Fawkes, were he was allowed to light a single squib. It wasn’t ideal, but it was better than nothing, Angus thought. He better get ready.

Night approached quickly in the winter. Ullapool was a great town for Guy Fawkes; no big cities around to cause light pollution, no distracting noise. Nothing but the gentle rocking of the boats in the dock. Nothing but darkness. Everyone had already gathered around the bonfire by the time Angus stumbled into the crowd. Ms. Bruce, the ‘head’ of the orphanage, stood around the group of eager faces, auburn from the glow of the fire.

“Now, then.” She pursed her lips. “Now that we’re all here, would you care to start us off, Angus?”

The group of faces all turned and stared at him. Timidly he walked over to the first firework, crudely planted into the ground.

“Now remember your goggles and here’s a match.”

Ms. Bruce thrust the safety specs and an already lit match into his hands. She puckered her lips as she watched him. Angus could see the hairs on her upper lip merge together and make a subtle moustache. But then, something caught his eye… A woman. One he hadn’t seen before; it was not uncommon for the occasional out of town visitor to come and watch the fireworks, but something was different about this one. She wore a plaid, dark red suit and a face as sour as a lemon. She was a sassenach, a city liver. Within the crowd of grubby orphans and salty seamen, she stuck out like a painfully sore thumb.With a quick gulp, Angus walked over and lit the firework, then walked back. The woman watched Angus intently as he did, keeping a close eye on his every action.  A hissing came slowly out of the squib before quickly launching off into the sky. A gentle ‘bang’ was heard, then a splodge of colour emerged on the dark canvas. It was finished within seconds. Angus sighed at the unsurprisingly feeble firework, then returned to his spot in the crowd. Now aware of his mysterious watcher, he couldn’t concentrate on the fireworks. Everywhere he looked, he saw her in the corner of his eye… Watching.

And so another Bonfire Night had come and gone. As soon as the last Roman candle had burnt out, Angus hurried away. He couldn’t stand the sight of this woman any longer. But as he walked away, so did she. He quickend his pace, and so did she. ‘Oh God’, he thought. ‘She’s going to get me!’

And she did. Her hand clutched onto his shoulder like an owl catching it’s prey. He jumped and let out a small yelp.

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry for frightening you unannounced.’ She said, although he could sense of sarcasm in her tone.

“What do you want?” Angus barked.

“Now now, no need to be so rash, my boy.”

“Aye? An’ why have you been spyin’ on me?”

“My contractors have certain… Interests, per say, in your… talents.”

She gave him a gentle, bitter smile. She smelt strongly of dodgy cigarettes.

“My… talents?” Angus asked inquisitively.

“You’ve got quite a hand with explosives.”

Angus’ hard double jumped. “What? How the hell…?”

“Don’t fret. My contractors are aware that you want a bit more freedom from this place.”

She slipped a small card into his hand. On it, in big letters, was ‘Reliable Excavation Demolition’. He had heard of the name before. They were one of the biggest businesses in the whole world, matched only by another, equally powerful company. He looked long at the card, before turning to face the woman. He noticed her lipstick was as red as her suit.

“A car will come to pick you up next week, after your graduation. I’ll be seeing you.” She gave out a whistle.

She turned quickly and walked around a corner. Angus ran around to catch her, but she had vanished, cloaked into the darkness of the night. So many questions, yet none of them answered. He looked back at the card, studying it. He gave out a chuckle when he realised the companies’ name was an acronym for ‘red’.

‘I think I need a drink’, he thought as he trundled back to the old orphanage.