Today, our beloved Administrator was expecting some important guests, a business party led by Mr.Mann himself, so in case he wanted to tour the facilities, we were asked to trim our toe nails and refrain from using the bathrooms. Not working was fun, but we had to wait standing with our newly washed and ironed uniforms, without creasing them. Finally, there was a hush and the Administrator rushed in to our Barracks alone, walked over to me and mumbled something about making a lot of money from apples, and that I was to build new weapons to be unveiled as part of some kick off event.

Interesting, I just realized that we never had a single actual apple in our compound, and that I only saw them on TV.

Anyway, I headed back to my workshop. I had so many ideas, because I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately because I had a lot of time while mechanically wrenching sentries like a robot. Then it occurred to me, heck, I am an engineer, and I solve practical problems. And there, keeping sentries alive was a mundane task which I should be relieved off.

I recently was assigned an engineering intern, he was from Europe or something, but I don’t know what became of him, maybe the Administrator set him up to participate in target practice, you know, as a target. So I had to build my own assistant.

The Nurse

Oh she is a beauty. And a doll. Always swinging the wrench, relentlessly.

She also dispenses health, ammo and metal. You know what, I tried something new and made her completely mechanical – no electronics. That means she is not sappable – eat that you back stabbing lizards! On the downside she can not be fixed in the field, really. Oh and she is a bit slow, you know, she can fix a sentry when a random pyro decides to attack, or when a traitorous snake pulls a sap-by, but she can’t handle a coordinated attack.

This baby can not multitask as well, it either dispenses OR repairs. Some of the folks on my team may have no honor or ethics, but I am an exception. I managed to mechanically build in the prime directive, so the Nurse will switch to healing whenever a human comes nearby. She has healing hands. Robot hands. Cold, metal fingers that deliver healing.

Some of the guys said that this fingery healing leaves them feeling somewhat violated, but I say to them “go suck on a medkit if you don’t like my robot”.

Rejuvenation at the expense of being touched inappropriately. But such is life.*

Here is what I am going to put down on my slide presentation for the Administrator.

• replaces dispenser
• mainly used to babysit sentries
• repairs other buildings, and is also a level 1 or slower dispenser
• can heal/repair ONE person/building at a time
• her prime directive prioritizes healing humans over fixing machines, so it stops repairing when a player is nearby
• can NOT be sapped or repaired
• she looks like the maid robot from Jetsons, and she gropes players as she heals them

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Well, what else? Let’s revisit the sentry, shall we? Ah, she is one my masterpieces. A symbol of accuracy and versatility. For she pounces targets with fierce precision, whether she is deployed on offense, on defense, on your front lawn or in your glove compartment.

Maybe I should think outside the box for this one – how about something inaccurate, and not versatile?

The Cannon

Because bullets don’t pierce ubercharges. But explosions send them flying up. This baby shoots cannon balls in an arc that are more or less aimed at enemy’s feet.

I built this darling using a special armor I casted by melting scrap demoman targes. Take that, overconfident pyros, soldiers and demomen!

Of course there are some issues with this new material, it takes a lot of resources to build, re arm and repair this cannon. It moves slowly and fires slowly. I remember once testing this thing during one of our drills. An enemy scout came in front of the gun – didn’t notice me or the cannon – knelt down, tied his shoes and went off… BEFORE THE CANNON COULD FIRE. Well, really, I see this more as a defensive compliment to the sentry gun. The cannon sends them flying, the sentry pins them mid air.

Here is a picture of an early prototype I was testing with that intern I mentioned.

A recap of my major points for those of you mentally challenged:

• replaces sentry gun
• shoots cannon balls, in an arc, at enemy feet, with moderate damage.  Imagine a sticky bomb launching sentry, with stickies exploding on contact with ground, or flesh.
• the explosive effect can propel enemies flying up, which may help defend against ubercharges
• very slow turn and firing speed, which means is less effective against faster classes and in close range
• has armor made of whatever demoman’s targe is made of; resists explosive and fire damage
• has huge metal cost to build, and is not upgradable

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Okay, okay. Now something for the teleporter. Teleporter is an innovation in quantum physics, and you blokeheads do not come near even under-appreciating it.  ”Need a teleporter here.” As if it grew on trees. Sigh.

Have you ever fought on Granary? Badlands? Any place where spawn rooms move back and forth as capture points change hands? Building a teleporter becomes futile and I end up running back and forth with a toolbox in hand. I am sure you think that it looks funny. And I will make sure that if you find it funny, you will suffer for it.

But back to quantum physics.  An entry and exit point fixed in space is required to move people safely at relatively sublight speeds. But if we were to drop our safety requirements, I could just build something to throw people at sublight speeds towards a location that is within a certain probabilistic distance from an exit “beacon” :

The Sublight Sling

This is a sling. There is an entry pad, just like a teleporter, and it throws you to my vicinity at a sub light speed. Sounds easy, right? No it’s not. I have to carry a highly radioactive beacon under my hat. But it works. Oh the things I have endure for you. My piss has turned indigo since I started working on this, I mean, I did not know bodily fluids could come out in such fancy colors. Except for demoman’s blood. It’s more like alcohol diluted with a bit of blood. Think of orange juice, but more putrid.

A case of raining men, I say, Hallelujah.

Here is what it comes down to, folks:

• replaces teleporter (you don’t say?)
• only an entrance is built, an exit is not required
• “throws” users to my location, wherever I am, useful or not
• works like a level 1 teleporter or slower
• sling is inactive while I am waiting for respawn

I will kindly ask you to knock before using the sling, however.

Can’t I get a moment’s piece, goddammit? And close the door!

*thanks to Kitalpha for the groping robot idea

Great title, right? Don’t worry. I’m not going to be talking down at anyone during this guide. If anyone is a dunderhead at sniping of any kind, it’s me. So how does a D-head like myself go about telling anyone else how to do their job? Simple: I’m not going to.

I said “effective” huntsmanning, not “pr0″ or “1337″ or any other superior-sounding, number-infused adjective. Once you read my guide, you’ll know how to make yourself felt on the battlefield, and maybe get a kill or two.

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Point Numero Uno: The Huntsman is… different.

The first and most important thing you can do as a huntsmanning Sniper is to Lead Your Targets. In fact, I could just copy those three words until they were big enough to fill an article and you would know roughly 90 percent of what you need to know to function with a bow. It’s that important.

And the very fact that you’re using a projectile weapon leads to some very different methods of execution. As a general rule of thumb, if you see a Sniper-prone target (Heavy, Medic, Engineer, etc) and a bit of cover, aiming between the two will give you an almost certain hit.

Also, the Huntsman has a much wider hitbox, and thus can be spammed much easier than the Rifle can. Not to the extent of any sort of explosive, but generally you only have to aim in the direction of anything colored different to you. You’ll hit something. I promise.

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Point X+1: Get in close.

Not melee range, lord no. I mean around the effective range of the SMG. You remember that tiny number, don’t you? Keep it in the back of your brain. We’ll talk about it later.

Closing the gap gives you a few advantages over everyone else in the field. Rifle-using Snipers (the pansies) don’t react well to an invasion of their personal space, and tend to swing their machete wildly at anything that intrudes on their personal bubble. Panic, of course, leads to disorganization, and while he’s beating the crap out of an imaginary Spy and looking the other way, you can bow and arrow him to death.

While no one else will be quite as discomfited at having a Sniper getting up-close-and-personal, it does help you in a way that kind of negates Act I of my first point: you don’t have to lead as much. So we’re back to the classic Monkey Island formula: Point, hold, and click. Of course, don’t hold too long, or some Scout with half a brain will bring you up-to-date on modern technology. Violently.

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Point Number the Next: Know how you’re going to kill them.

While a long stick with a pointy bit on the end is no doubt impressive, sometimes it’s just not enough. Sometimes, you need to use your secondary weapon to augment the murder a bit. Ignoring the Razorback for a minute (because that’s only for Rifle-users who willingly give themselves tunnel vision), you have two very good choices.

S.M.G.: The Finishing Move

Similar to a hunter in the wild, you use your tradition-laden longbow to tag the brute you’re aiming at, and then end him with a bullet (or 25) to the brainpan. The trick here is to start far, and then move in for some better shooting. This works better on larger, isolated prey, such as a straggler Heavy or Soldier. Just make sure to approach from a direction different from the one you shot him in. An arrow in the liver is a quick attention-grabber.

Jarate: The Boosted Attack

This one’s sort of the opposite to the SMG philosophy. To pull this off, you need to start close and Jarate all over your quarry, then backpedal and snap a shot at him while he pursues you for showing him who truly is the boss. As with the strategy, you also should target the opposite kind of class. This one works best on the lighter enemies who you can’t be asked to get a headshot on, like Pyros and Medics.

Of course, Scouts are a variable in all of this. In any case, the buggers don’t warrant either of the secondaries, because a snapshot will either randomly hit their head, ending the threat, or impale them so bad that they run all the way back to the resupply room, crying for mommy. Unless they’re not sissies or have been drinking extract of Saxton Hale, in which case you should head straight for your own lines posthaste, only turning around to try and nail the little squirt again.

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Point Second-From-the-Last: Huntsmen’s advantages and why the Razorback is rubbish.

Let’s count out the myriad ways The Huntsman is better, shall we?

• It lets you move faster, which anyone who’s ever died by Pyro will appreciate.
• You keep that wide field-of-view your dad paid so much for.
• It gives you limited indirect fire.

Now let’s see the Rifle’s pros.

• It flat-out does more damage, always a plus.
• You don’t have to lead, because nothing slow enough to be hit at that distance would need to be.
• It’s way more accurate.
• People won’t accuse you of being a “huntspam noob” if you use it; instead, you’ll be “a f*king hax0r, admin ban nao plzz.”
• You know what, that’s all I can really think of.

And all joking aside, that may be enough to give both of these a good niche on the battlefield. But that’s not what we’re here for, so let’s focus on using the Huntsman’s boons to their booniest.

The most obvious is to constantly check your flank and never let a second pass without either killing someone or knowing everything about your surroundings, all the time. If a Spy cloaks in the corner of your vision while you’re lining up a shot, just swivel your view down to him and take him out. You’re doing everyone on your team a favor.

The Razorback was made for traditionally thinking (yes, thinking) Snipers who can’t be asked to move from their designated campgrounds to check for spies. Since you’re a Hunterman, you’ll be on the move and constantly aware. Therefore, it’s worth little to you.

There’s one last thing, although not an advantage, that you really need to know. Nocking the arrow and charging your shot slows you down, though not as much as scoping in with the rifle.

Charge shots have a few advantages: besides the higher damage, the arrows also move faster. A caveat: if you keep the huntsman charged for too long, the accuracy decreases (when this happens, the sniper’s arms shake slightly from the exertion of holding the drawn bow). Fear not, though! Instead of wasting the shot, you can de-nock the arrow by pressing the right mouse button.

Charging a shot is analogous to spinning up as a Heavy, and as such, you need to know when to pack it up and head for them there hills. If you’re faced with more than one fast mover, or a boatload of high-health classes, you’re probably better off living to fight again than holding your ground. It wasn’t terribly nice ground, anyway.

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Point Very Definitely Final Dungeon: Practice.

No amount of me telling you what to do will make up for not going out there and doing it. Believe me, I read up on the latest in TF2ology before I even bought the game, and I was still a newbie, come Day One. You’re going to get out there, you’re going to kill, and you’re going to get good at it. On that day, you’ll look back at this Complete Dunderhead’s Guide and remember how far you’ve come. And on that day, I hope you’ll write in and thank me.

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In conclusion, and without a moment to spare:

1. The Huntsman is inherently different from the Rifle. Embrace that, and you’re a step closer to victory.
2. You’re better off being closer to the target than normal Snipers need to be.
3. Your secondary weapons have their place. Use them.
4. Keep moving, keep alert, and keep away from the Razorback.
5. Get out there and play!

A special thank you goes to Tygrys for the illustrations.

A long while ago in March 2009, I remember reading a rant about how useless the Heavy is, how easily attacks are countered and how he fancies himself as a sentry with legs. “What utter rubbish” I thought – and went back to playing as a Heavy on my clan’s pub, or to dominate the hell out of a insta-respawn 2fort server; depending on my mood…

Here’s the thing: a lot of players that play the Heavy are new to the game. Look at the packaging and look at the store page on Steam and what do you see? Naturally, your attention is drawn to the Heavy. So new players will play him, get owned hard and never touch him again.

If you’re sitting there thinking “I’m skilled with another class so why would I be interested in playing the Heavy?” Well here’s my answer – most people don’t fully understand the importance of strategy and teamwork. Strategy plays an important role in Heavy gameplay; every decision you make has to be criticized to achieve the best outcomes. The other thing that plays an important role in Heavy gameplay is communication and not just with a Medic. Theoretically, learning how to play a Heavy well should improve your overall understanding of this game’s logic and strategy – no matter what class you’re playing. Yeah, cool ‘eh? Now let’s get cracking, there’s a lot of stuff to cover.

1. Think before you shoot

How many times have you heard a whirring noise followed by the cries of a slain Heavy? For me, loads of times. Those players make the most fatal mistake any Heavy can make: Revving in the wrong place. I know you’ve done it before – you’ll wind up your gun and walk to defend or attack whatever it is you’re attacking or defending.

The reason this is such a bad idea is obvious – every enemy and his dog will prepare for a Heavy encounter if they hear you revving your gun in the distance and will make detours to avoid/kill you. Never alert enemies of your presence until they’re in range.

So where is the right place to rev? If at least one of these is true, you know you’re in a good place:

• You are in the open and as close as you can get to your foes
• You are in (or at the end of) a corridor with enemies that can be killed before they can fall back into cover
• You are in a blindspot (e.g. a place where a cursory glance won’t reveal your location)
• You are above unaware enemies (e.g. on a bridge or the opening of a tunnel)
• You are near Health and Ammo supplies (e.g. the centre hut on Dustbowl, Level 2-CP 2)

Before you fight the enemy, weigh up the chances of you winning the battle. These can be varied by the number of hostiles in the area, whether you have a medic, the skill of the enemy/enemies you’re fighting, whether you have your gun spinning, how much Health you have and so on. If you know you can’t win, retreat or approach from another angle – don’t bite off more than you can chew or you’ll be eating “Crocket & Winbomb Stew a la Facestab” for dinner.

Medium range is the most ideal place to be, but nothing trumps close range combat more than a volley of point blank minigun rounds. Think it’s hard to get at close range with the big guy? Think again! Say you were overlooking the tunnel exit on Badwater Basin – you can jump down while revving and you’ll be ready to fire before you land. Overhealed Soldiers and Heavies will be shredded in seconds, but be warned that most classes will find it easier to hit you due to your huge frame and poor manoeuvrability – and will wise up after the initial chaos dies down.

2. Pay attention to your surroundings

Pay close attention to the sights, sounds and things around you – for example, memorize the locations of health and ammo so you can fall back on them when you need to, learn the locations of Snipers just by peering out from an opening then move around them, listen out for the decloak sound on a Spy’s watch. This information should already be second nature to the more seasoned players, but is all the more important for a Heavy.

Take each death as a lesson of the things you did wrong and learn from them. Here’s a typical scenario you’ll face as a Heavy: Think back to a time when a Spy seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, now think about how he got there. Was he waiting around the corner waiting for you to go past? Was he crouching on top of some crates out of the way where you would normally fire your gun? Did he convince you with a cunning disguise? You’re a 300 pound mountain of Russian who eats forty cakes a day so how did a skinny dork in a monkey-suit top you? Now you have an idea on how he did it, take steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

The other thing you need to pay attention to are your hit indicators – they show up on your HUD in the direction the impact came from; the larger the indicator, the greater the damage.

3. Befriending a Buddy

Before you shoot off a comment about the Heavy always needing a Medic, don’t – allow me to explain. The Heavy is a defensive class by nature, therefore it is his main job to defend – period. However, when a Heavy is on the offensive he can quickly become a sitting duck by every Tom, Dick and Harry on the other team. Very quickly, your concerns shift towards getting enough health and ammo to survive. When a Medic works with a Heavy he takes away the a lot of the Health concerns, leaving you to just worry about getting enough ammo to do your job – and since you’ll kill plenty of enemies you’ll be up to your knees in ammo. (and bodies)

One essential tool you’ll need when playing Medic buddy is the microphone – you need to efficiently impart enemy locations in order to keep you, your Medic and the rest of your team safe. I personally use Mumble because it’s free and most clans and communities host servers for them, it has an overlay which displays who is talking and it’s customizable. Otherwise, there’s nothing wrong with using the in-game VOIP.

Your Medic should never stay glued to you the entire time, so bring him to the frontline and let the Medic heal your pals – remember that everyone wins in the end, they get their health and the Medic gets his uber much quicker. Spread the love, don’t hog it all. And don’t hog the health if your Medic is in desperate need of it, the Medigun won’t heal its user.

Most players will attempt to kill your Medic if you’re not paying attention, so if your gun is spinning and the Medic’s health starts dropping, turn round and kill whoever it is attempting to plug your mate. Have your Medic spot threats to both of you instead of having him sit there like a goofy German duck gawking at you until either of you die.

Pay attention to your own health too – if you see your health going down quickly retreat into cover and let the Medic heal you. Don’t pick up health packs if you can help it, you’ll help your Medic build the Uber much quicker and he’ll be able to fall back on it if he needs it.

4. Ubercharges and Kritzkriegs

Whichever Medigun your Medics are carrying into battle will come with two very different game-plans. With an Uber, you can charge straight into the fray and tear up a defensive team, taking out Sentries and high priority targets such as Demomen, Pyros, Heavies and Soldiers – provided they don’t quickly run away or use an uber to counter-attack.

Kritz on the other hand require you to protect your Medic even after he activates the charge. The 10 seconds of non-stop critical hits from your minigun will still be effective at long range since falloff doesn’t affect their trajectory.

Usually, I’ll ask the Medic to equip whatever floats his boat, but when a situation starts to rear its ugly head I won’t hesitate to ask them to switch.

5. Going solo

A Medic can be useful, but sometimes you will be faced with the task of coping without him. This video demonstrates Heavy gameplay with rare assistance from a Medic who didn’t know how to ubercharge, I highly recommend it.

Here’s the gist of the video for the benefit of the guide:

• Without a Medic, stay on defence (that doesn’t mean sitting at a dispenser shooting at nothing)
• Stay somewhere where health and ammo is in plentiful supply and deter enemies from taking the route you’re covering
• Offensives on your own are suicide, use the prescience of attacking units to push forward to compensate for the lack of a Medic

6. Your secondary and melee weapons

The Heavy loves his Sandvich, in fact he loved it so much when it was announced as a weapon he would often die eating his last meal. Now witnessing a large Russian stopping in the middle of a battlefield to eat a ham, cheese, lettuce and tomato sandwich on white bread with no concern for the danger around him is no longer a joke – provided he pulls it off.

You now have the option to drop the snack to the life of your Medic or another near-death comrade, aim using the crosshairs and drop it so the target walks into it. Just remember to stop by another health pack at full HP to get your lunch back. It’s also useful if you’re being chased by enemies if you’re low on health – just equip the Sandvich, drop it, nom it and equip your gun. The Sandvich is one heck of a lifeline, as well as tasty.

If you would prefer to have something other than your fists to defend yourself with when you run out of ammo, or need to shoot enemies when you don’t have time to rev up – bring your shotgun. It usually catches people unaware whilst you are moving as they expect you to just rev your minigun. It is also handy for retreating while laying down suppressive fire.

The gloves are risky, but if you can pull off a punch you have a limited time to rain hell on the other team. If you’re planning on taking the gloves, equip the shotgun and not the Sandvich – you’ll waste three seconds equipping and revving up the minigun, as opposed to equipping the shotgun which gets you more bang for your buck (unless you happen to kill two guys with the KGB of course). Likewise, use the fists if you’re planning on taking the Sandvich – people will do their best to gank you if they see you eating, the fists swing quicker which gives you more of a fighting chance.

7. Class Matchups

Knowing how the enemy will attack you will make a big difference. So here I’ve listed all the classes and how they usually attack you, and how best to deal with them. To quote Sun Tzu: “Know thy self, know thy enemy. A thousand battles, a thousand victories.”

Scout

Scouts are the polar-opposite of the Heavy. They will attempt to flank you when the opportunity arises and will gun for your Medic. They will also attempt to irritate you by jumping around your head like a maniac or just strafing around you at point blank plugging you in the guts or allowing other classes to take pot-shots at you while you’re distracted.

The best way to kill Scouts is to get them in the open and mow them down at medium range before they attempt to do anything. If a Scout is abusing cover with the FaN, just don’t challenge them. They’ll simply push you away from where you want to go every time. Just wait until they’re in the open and he’ll wish he had the other gun once you rip him to shreds.

Scouts with the Sandman will have less health, so do your best to avoid his stun balls and mow him down when he realises his tactic didn’t work.

Soldier

The Solly is big and slow just like you, but he makes up for this with his agility and his ability to fire from cover. A full volley of four direct hits will kill a Heavy without a Medic, so do your best to avoid them and kill him at medium range.

Soldiers are usual culprits for abusing cover since their stock rocket launcher can hit you with splash damage while they’re around a corner. Not only that but Stock and Direct Hit Soldiers give anyone a hard time in corridors, but you especially because of your huge physique and slow speed. Plan ahead to avoid situations like this.

Soldiers will try to gain a height advantage by rocket jumping, if he gets to higher ground you become an easier target to hit and you will have trouble hitting him back. Put a stop to this by shooting them while they’re airborne – with luck he won’t be able to make the connection with the higher ground due to the knockback and either way he’ll lose ammo and health. If he does make the connection, try to finish him off or call to your teammates to do it for you. Alternatively, you can occupy the higher ground he’s trying to reach so you can kill him while he’s weakened. Just be ready for him and don’t take too long about it.

Pyro

Obviously the typical W+M1 strategy employed by noob Pyros will be of no concern to you as long as you’re prepared and even when you aren’t you’ll probably trump him if you’re at full health. You’ll need to be worried when he tries to flank you and use his Backburner.

Smarter Pyros will airblast you away from key areas or when you’re Ubered, or even use the airblast sting combo (ignite, AB, Axtinguish), so just tear into them with the minigun at mid-range before they have a chance to puff you around like a meaty-or.

Demomen

Besides Snipers and Spies, these guys will be giving you the most trouble. They’re very similar to Soldiers but have the benefits of indirect fire. The Demoman can fire four grenades and a full volley of four direct hits will kill a Heavy without a Medic. Deal with them like you would with Soldiers. Kill at close to medium range and quickly. If you’re dealing with a charge swordsman, he doesn’t pose more of a threat but keep both eyes out for him. Similarly if he tries to gain a height advantage rev up and shoot them while they’re airborne and weakened.

Watch out for sticky carpets, if you see a Demoman laying a sticky carpet at your feet, unrev and get out of there. Even with a Medic helping you, you will not survive the damage. If you jump on your way out, it might soften the blow and propel yourself to safety.

Don’t get lured into a sticky trap. If you see him retreating into a tunnel or a corridor (even when he’s spent his pipe ammo), assume he’s luring you into a trap. Keep in mind your minigun is suitable for nullifying the threat of sticky bombs if you ignore this. Alternatively, you can go back and approach the situation another way.

Heavy

A simple head on battle between two Heavies produces mixed results every time. It all depends on certain factors such as who winds up first, who has more health, who has more backup and so on.

If you come across a Natasha wielding Heavy, wind up and kill them if they’re in range, otherwise just get in cover. Their bullets can render you almost immobile Also, don’t try and wind up if a nearby enemy Heavy is revving his gun in your direction, just get into cover. If you can, wait until he unrevs and kill him then.

Engineer

Engineers are silly men with silly hats and even sillier guns, so they often rely on their sentries to do all the work for them.

On its own a Sentry is not too much a problem if you have Medic, but it’s a bigger problem if an Engie is repairing the sentry from behind. Ideally, you want to be as close as possible to the gun so you can destroy it. If you have a Medic with an uber ready, tell him to use it and run towards the sentry while you’re linked. Since the Sentry is programmed to target the nearest threat, you’ll find it easier to walk up as close as you need to get, rev and kill the sentry.

Note: A Kritz charge will not kill sentries or other buildings faster.

Once their sentries are down, they have a few options. First, they can run away really fast; just mow them down. Second, they can stand there and get shredded while sitting there fixing nothing. And finally third (and this never gets old) discover new-found superhuman powers and decide to charge you with the plan of braining you with a lucky wrench crit… In any case you won’t have problems with the silly suicidal super-hero engies.

Medic

Medics don’t usually attack other people; they are often helping others to stay alive. This makes your job harder, so they should be prime targets.

When he Ubercharges, you have little chance of evading his target’s path of destruction. While it is possible to escape, your most likely option is to either slow the enemy down by getting in their way, giving them less time to cause havoc, or simply get your Medic to Uber you too. This usually results in the Ubered pair to retreat… AT SPEED!

The only other thing he can do to annoy you is running around you at melee range using the Ubersaw. Don’t bother getting your fists out – the Medic is much quicker than you and will avoid your punches with relative ease. Just rev up for the two seconds because the Ubersaw has its own swing delay.

Sniper

Snipers are almost always present at battlements where they have optimal view of area to cover, and will be too far away for the minigun to do any good damage. So never attack from his range – it’s a stupid idea. Just avoid their line of sight and you should be fine, learn about their movements and compensate. You don’t have to fight every battle to win a war.

If you really have a burning desire to kill Snipers, the best way to do this is to plan a route to them while they’re busy sniping. It can’t be done on open planned maps like Badwater, but it works wonders in 2Fort and incites torrents of rage.

Spy

Spies will always cloak around you and attack from behind, that is unless the Spy is played by an idiot.

Spies love attacking from blindspots, and most love slow, easy targets like Heavies. Be wary of these places and come prepared. Regularly check behind you or have people report sightings of Spies. They will be less likely to attack you and everyone else appears to know what’s going on behind you. Then again, just appearing to know doesn’t make it 100% safe, so listen out for decloaks and footfalls when you know people aren’t around.

Oh yeah, class by class analyses are only good for dealing with individual battles so if you engage more foes than one think about who poses more of a threat and take them out.

Conclusion

The Heavy is an easy target to bash by careless players because of how supposedly “useless” he is, despite the huge contribution he makes to his team. He is underplayed, underrated, and underestimated. In the right hands however…

He becomes the underdog…
The dark horse…
The Heavy Weapons Guy!

Team Fortress 2 takes place in the sixties. Everyone knows this. But RED and BLU aren’t new creations. They didn’t come about around that time. No, the Team Fortress 2 that we know is only a single chapter in a war that has spanned centuries. It spanned back… to medieval times…

Some of the tools of war from those times long since passed survive in the current incarnation of this never ending war. And using these tools, we here at ubercharged.net labs have recreated the war as it was hundreds of years ago. We have recreated…

MEDIEVAL FORTRESS 2

Medieval Fortress 2 is an update of a classic mod found on ubercharged.net Server 1. This update is a complete rework of the plugin, and includes TARGELANDER DEMOS and EQUALIZER SOLDIERS.

“But DPErny, what IS Medieval Fortress 2? I’ve never heard of it.”

Medieval Fortress 2 is what it says on the cover: it’s a Sourcemod plugin that creates a Medieval theme in Team Fortress 2.

THE STORY
Europe was a bloody, gory place since the fall of the Roman empire. For centuries, feudal states grabbed for whatever partition of the former empire that they could. Rulers, sometimes fair, sometimes tyrants, came and went. Then, word of a new king spread. A powerful, wise ruler known as King Manne was fighting to unite the world under his rule. He succeeded in uniting most of Europe, and then ceased his conquest to manage the empire he had accrued. During this rule, there was a time of great peace and many hats.

But then, King Manne fell ill. He no longer had the strength to run his kingdom. He left the day to day running of the Kingdom to his most trusted aide, Saxtonnious Hale. But Saxtonnious could not run it either, not without the guidance and wisdom of King Manne. The land began to fall apart.

Now, King Manne had two handsome, dashing sons. Blutonious and Lord Redwall, as they were called, were fiercely competitive. Each was always trying to outdo the other. When their father fell ill, Blutonious and Redwall each felt that they were entitled to the throne. One can only imagine their anger when Saxtonious was put into power. But Blutonious and Lord Redwall were not stupid. They watched as their father’s kingdom fell to ruin. Blutonious fled to the lands in the east, and Redwall went west. Each began amassing an army of supporters from their father’s former force.

Then, one day, the conflict finally erupted. Blutonious and Redwall each declared their land a sovereign state, named Blubaria and Redland respectively. Great battles were fought in the name of these two powers, and the very planet shook under the conflict.

THE CLASSES

The Archer

Ye Olde Kindom of Manne spared no expense when selecting its Archers. The most talented marksmen in the land were much prized during the great fissure; Redwall and Blutnoius each scrambled to win the favor of the kingdom’s Archers, knowing how important they’d be in the later battles. The Archers were often taught the then fledgling art of Jarate, a method of defence conceived by those strange peoples of the Far East. While most fierce with a bow in hand, Archers are a formidable warrior with a blade as well.

The Knight

No medieval war would be complete without knights, but these were far from chivalrous. These fierce warriors from the land of the Scotts were a force to be reckoned with. Hardened in battle and wielding cursed swords of unimaginable power, the Knights make up the backbone of any assault. They had been known to charge at their foes with reckless abandon, shouting a bloodcurdling battle cry. These fearsome Scottsmen are widely known for their lethal decapitations.

The Berserker

Tales were told of fearsome warriors from the Scandinavian regions that were but ordinary miners in times of peace. When times of war dawn, however, they were far from peaceful. These men revel in pain, and fight to the death without retreat. Travelers from the northern regions say that these Berserkers fight more fiercely as they sustain wounds, and that the most heavily wounded often take down foes with one swing of their mighty pickaxe. Berserkers occasionally carry in to battle a horn of war, which they blow to rally their fellows into the same frenzy.

The Bear

These strange men from cold regions to the east were as strong as they were stupid. Discovered by the Mannish traders, these hulking brutes knew no weapons. They fought with their bare hands alone, crushing their foes with but a swing of a mighty fist. The harsh landscape of Siberia trained them to withstand punishment far beyond that of a normal warrior. They also brought with them from their native lands a culinary dish with amazing medicinal properties. This meal of bread, meat, and vegtables serves to heal the brutes should they sustain damage. They have also been known to lend it to ailing comrades in times of great need.

The field of battle

Currently, the known battles of Medieval Fortress were fought at the castle Redfort. This tall structure, on the border between Redland and Blubaria, was held fiercely by the Redlandians. The Blubarians, attacking from a cave just outside of the castle, stormmed the gates and fought their way through the castle.

The Real Story

Medieval Fortress came about of the first time during the summer of 2009. After a rousing game of shenanigans, I decided that it was time to learn Sourcemod, and bringing Medieval Fortress to the non-administrated masses would be an excellent project. I began working on Medieval Fortress immediately.

I started my adventures in Sourcemod by reading the AlliedModder’s Wiki, and by reading Sirot’s Zombie Fortress plugin. These two sources helped me tremendously, and before long I was making headway on Medieval Fortress. Despite numerous bugs, glitches, and setbacks, I managed to choke out a working version of the plugin I intended. The final product was terribly unorganised, completely unoptimized, and it barely passed AlliedModders aproval, but it worked. About a month after the original Medieval Fortress had been put on, the new plugin was on Server 1.

Medieval Fortress was an instant success. It was played often, and for a while it was hard to get into a game that was hosting Medieval Fortress. Most of the server population loved it. Soon, however, after the fun had worn off, Medieval Fortress was taken off rotation and forgotten.

Fast forward to December of 2009, and the Demo vs Soldier update. As soon as the public caught glimpse of the Eyelander, the forums were alight with people asking for Medieval Fortress to get an update. People who had never heard of my plugin were demanding it. Several threads cropped up on the Steam Forums asking for someone to make a medieval game mode. Interest in the subject soared. I stepped back and analyzed the situation; people demanded it, I would provide. Before the update had even been released, I began work on Medieval Fortress 2.

This time around, I was more experienced in Sourcemod, and I could recognise the disaster that was my first plugin. Considering this, I decided that Medieval Fortress 2 would be a complete recode. I rebuilt my entire plugin from the ground up, starting with nothing but a blank notepad screen. When a problem arose, I asked for help. Before the end of December, Medieval Fortress 2 was ready for release. It was put up on Server 1, and playtesting helped me to iron out the one major bug in the programming.

And, now, two months after the completion of Medieval Fortress, I am ready to release it to the public at large. The source code, the program, everything that a server operator needs to host Medieval Fortress is available right now. What’s more, so long as even 1 server operator hosts Medieval Fortress, I will continue to keep it up-to-date and ready for more challenges. As time goes by, I will release more features, and the bare-bones plugin you see today will be a far more in depth game mode.

The Technical Details

Today’s Medieval Fortress allows for four classes, as previously stated. The Knight is a Demoman. He is allowed only the Eyelander, the Bottle, and the Targe. The Archer is Medieval Fortress’ default class. Anyone trying to switch to an unallowed class will be redirected to this tweak on the Sniper. He is allowed only the Huntsman, Jarate, the Razorback (which, although useless now, I plan on adding features for later), and his Kukri. The Berserker is simply a the Soldier with all non-melee weapons stripped, excluding the Buff Banner. The Bear is the same with a Heavy; all non-melee weapons are stripped excepting the Sandvich.

To set up map to automatically play Medieval Fortress, simply erase the map’s existing prefix and affix “mf_” to the beginning. For example, on UC server 1, we use Redfort under the name “mf_redfort_b3″. Alternatively, Medieval Fortress can be enabled on any map by typing “sm_mf_enable” into the console (changemap admin flags required). While Medieval Fortress will automatically disable itself at the end of a map, it can be turned off manually by typing “sm_mf_disable” into the console (also requires changemap).

Download

Source code: Medieval Fortress 2

Plugin: MF2

Credits

I have to give credit to tons of people for this, because it really isn’t original. First off, credit goes to Phoenix, the ubercharged.net editor, for the original Medieval Fortress. He got the ball rolling. Next, credit to mrmof for making the map we play on. More credit goes to everyone on the ubercharged.net forum for making this work.

Probably the first thing you think of when you hear “The War Update” is a legion of flailing Highlanders touring around for your head. Many uprisings popped up with angry plebeians proclaiming that the Demoman should be demolishing things rather than cutting up his fellow man. The truth is that the Demoman was already just fine at demolishing, just like the Soldier was doing his job properly. More power for the demolishing demoman would’ve led to mass engineers on strike, and more ammo for the homely trap-setter would’ve been too boring. The solution was something entirely unheard of; turning the class into something entirely unrelated to its premise. Valve could’ve elected either the Soldier or the Demoman as the embodiment of this new tenth class, and I suspect they went with the Demoman because claymores.

However, just like with the Razorback, traditionally thinking (yes, thinking) demomen have been given a new toy to play with: the Scottish Resistance. Although the Resistance doesn’t contain catastrophic amounts of boring like the Razorback, it’s still not as potent as it could be. The main problem is that Resistin’ Demos just end up feeling less efficient than if they were using the regular Sticky Launcher and paying taxes like good citizens. That’s why I’m taking the time to describe, in detail, six things the Scottish Resistance is better at than the Winbomb Launcher.

Trap-Spotting

“Stop sitting around and do something!” – Berrito Mussolini

This is the capital (and most boring) purpose the Resistance has been advertised for. You put bombs around multiple doorways, pick a corner and wait. Wait until an unfortunate sod comes in, at which point you twitch in his direction and detonate all over him. More controlled twitchers (likely ex-CSS players) will rig a door on both sides, always keeping one set of stickies at hand in case a second poofter shows up. The big dilemma here is that you can’t place yourself too inclined with the doorway, or selective detonation becomes impossible (the crosshair isn’t adjusted to the cone of detonation); stand too much in front and your prey will see you before coming through. You could make use of this, though. Trick the enemy into taking an alternate route that has also been rigged, then feel bad as he denotes your trickery as ’spam’.

One thing I like to do to mess with people is to set up a trap, then throw a bunch of stickies at the enemy. Ever since the game’s initial release in 2007, players have been taught that one detonated sticky means a completely defenseless demoman. Sure, the Resistance stickies are visually distinct, but no sod is going to suspect you of planning ahead of time until it’s too late.

Another fun anecdote: on our UK-based server, Laharl concealed all fourteen stickies behind the intelligence in ctf_sawmill. I thought he was doin’ it wrong until I saw him blow up the medic+targelander combo that was running amok.

Carpet Weaving

“A fancy carpet for me to shit on.” – Diogenes

I believe this is where the true potential of the weapon lies. Dot a corridor with any number of stickies between eight and fourteen, and the enemy isn’t going to advance. Your entire creation won’t be ruined anymore by a single scout’s (no longer as spectacular) acrobatics, as you can choose to devote only part of your stickies to his combustion. After putting your carpet in place, you can proceed to spam the enemy team like you usually would. So you see, you’ll have not one, not two, but two and a half primary weapons. You’re like a bagpiper with three hands!

Just make sure you NEVER stand on your carpet. While it should sound awesome to fend off attackers from atop your own handiwork, Valve implemented a ‘buff’ to detonate stickies directly under you, supposedly for sticky jumping. Why do that when you have your own base to rig? To make matters worse, the detonation range is shorter than the distance one would use for horizontal jumping. Initially, the stickies’ whole prime time was ignored for point blank stickies. This led to:

Sticky-Punching

“A scout in your face is better than a spy in your back.” – Oscar Wilde

The non-existent prime time allowed you to detonate stickies before they were even properly fired, turning the Resistance into some manner of twisted, self-mutilating Scattergun. The Scouts, Pyros and Spies would either burst in tears due to nostalgia or think nothing is off because they’re used to being exploded by things they can’t see. It was a blast punishing those cocky ne’er-do-wells for their hubris, even if it had me blow up too in the process. Particularly devestating is an ubered ’sploder; the enemy would think nothing dangerous of a Demoman running idly into a bunch of enemies, allowing me to project eight point blank blasts into their face. It was like being a suicide bomber who can’t die. The kritzkrieg, however, is an entirely different story.

One other quirk of sticky-punching was sticky-punch-jumping. Aiming downward while jumping projected you perfectly forward (not useful on Orange X) with the power of three stickies and the damage of only two. Trying to aim your jumps apart from this method is More often than not, you’ll end up ramming yourself into the ground, dying from fall damage. So it really was nothing like this.

Alas, the prime time has been re-added in a recent patch, making sticky jumping with the Resistance even more clunky. Complete removal of the tweak will likely make the following tactic more viable:

Suicide Bombing

“I invade your country in the name of liberty!” – George W. Bush

Here’s what you do. Go to an enemy control point and get your stickies all over it.  As you’re capping, the enemy will likely send flimsy scouts and pyros your way, followed by seasoned but slower soldiers and heavies. Before, all you could do was try and dispatch the scout with scrumpy or blow up the both of you in the name of honour and scout-killing. With the Resistance, you can ensure his destruction while you continue towards capture. Especially effective on A/D maps; the stickies’ longer prime time won’t matter because by the time the enemy gets to you, their point will have been impurified. You can also try confounding attackers on the final point of cp_badlands (you know, when you jump up and get stuck somewhere in the silo).

Use this tactic and you’re almost certain to capture the final point. Well, if Valve changes the weapon. Until then, the Resistance is still most efficient at…

Spawncamping

“The classes must be evened out at regular intervals.” – Leon Trotski

Okay, you may not want to hear it and you probably already know, but on unmoderated servers, the Scottish Resistance can effectively lock down a team. The main drawback of spawncamping with the regular Sticky Launcher is that your entire collection of stickies is wasted with each smelly unfortunate killed. With the resistance, you can add layers of spam in front of the spawn door, or if that’s not subtle enough, try rigging all four sides of the door! You’ll have plenty of time to patch up after each detonation. Like with Trap-Spotting, many fools will think the coast is clear when the first of your victims blows up.

In case you don’t like 32-man instant respawn 2fort/cp_orange_william, you can try doing this at the BLU exits in Gravelpit. Not even UC2’s admins will slay you (I think).

Distinguished Destruction

(hain)

“A Targelander is to a Resistance user what a Hoplite is to a Belgian falling out of a tree.” – Gaius Julius Ceasar

Okay, I admit it. The Resistance feels like a nerfed sticky launcher. But because of that, it’s so much more immersing and fun! Plus, the kill icon is stylish, and says “I have just outwitted you in a way not typical of your preconceptions of a demoman!” Eventually I switched back to the Sticky Launcher because the point blank detonations were annoying me, and when I did, it made the Demoman seem such a boring class. Even though I could do this again, the gratification was lost. This happens when you try doing things the easy way, rather than the sexy way.

Remember when the weapon was first revealed? The CQC kit had stepped on many a demoman’s toes. Now a particularly awesome weapon was revealed, and already the Poor and Irish couldn’t bear with the thought of having to deal with fourteen stickies. When the update hit us, the Targelanders rose to power en masse and the Resistance was dismissed as awkward and disappointing just because it can’t be spammed with as easily. In my days of Resisting, I made many cretins call me a ’spammer’ regardless. I used to entrench myself in the enemy’s vents on ctf_turbine and blow up a team’s worth of players, much to the amusement of my vent-mates. For this alone do I find it worthwhile to use the Scottish Resistance.

So, I heard you guys like avatars. And judging by the success of Tesla’s and Tygrys’ two avatar collections, I presume it to be correct. So, I went and set out on a long a tedious task to find T&T Industries, break into it, and steal the latest avatar designs the two made. I was ready to do this, risk everything in order to get (more) fame and popularity, and as such, I made haste to finish this quest…

I failed. Miserably.

Finding T&T Industries wasn’t too hard, and with the Cloak Camp and Dagger, breaking in was the easy, though long and tiresome part. Getting out, now that was painful. You try stealing something and getting outside when there seems to be a fancy, hat wearing guard around every corner, all of which armed and loud, calling other guards to my position. It’s like playing Metal Gear Solid without hiding or shooting any guards. Oh, and then you have the ones with the Rocket Launchers. Urgh. In the end, I decided to value my life more than their ideas, dropped all the briefcases I had and used the Coward and Dagger to make my slow way out of the place. I still have nightmares of the place though…

So, here I was, no ideas stolen, and moving so slow I might as well be a snail, and to top it all off, everyone around me was wearing a hat. And that is when I had this wonderful idea: avatars for the hatless. And I’m not talking about hatless hats because, despite what I said before, the Hatless Engie reminds me of Cortez from Timesplitters, which is always a plus in my books. So, I gathered a couple of hatless people and told them that they sucked because they had no hats, and took a picture of their reaction. Some burst into tears, some burst into angry. One chap almost sent me to the great Capture Point in the sky. A couple of them complained that their Halo/Gibus/Halloween Mask was a hat, and I just shook my head and took the picture. Those with Bill’s Hat, however, simply kicked me “down under”, so I decided to avoid them until I saw them in Left 4 Dead 2, where I would proceed to shoot their groin. That would show them…

Anyway,  with no further delay, the No-Hat-Blues Avatar Pack. It’s not stealing, it’s copying the style of something else, which I have totally gotten away with before. Go enjoy it.

Hey you? Yes you, the fella’ with the classy picture on your Steam/Forum/Other Account. What are you doing? Trying to hide your hatless shame behind a little picture? What is your problem? Are you, like, Sir Super Coward the Third of Cowardland? Be a real man and trap your sadness in these handy avatars of sad, hatless people, just like you!

Made by a hatless person, for hatless people, using the pain and torment of other hatless people, Mr. Shadow captures the grief of the news that these chaps officially suck in a beautiful and classic photographs which I would hang on my wall, had it not been for the fact my walls were already covered with his other masterpieces. The best thing is that there are two versions of these soon-to-be-so-iconic-you’ll-grandchildren-will-know-about-them pictures; one zoomed out, and one zoomed in, so you can decide between seeing the poor saps’ body language or facial expressions. How would you not want one of these to represent you?

And even if you do have hats, you can still have one of these pictures to remind yourself and take joy in the fact that, somewhere, there is someone crying over the fact they have nothing on their heads. So what are you waiting for, a bus? Just right click these amazing snapshots and select “Save Image As…”, and save them somewhere and under a name you can remember so next time you want to stun your foes with something their spend ages looking and remember for the rest of their lives, don’t go for the porn spray, just change your avatar to one of these and by the time they are done looking, you would have already left after winning so many rounds. Something Mr. Shadow wished he had a couple of days ago when he was trying to stealing from T&- err, I mean, he was stealing a capture point from the enemy. Yeah…

Signed: The Post Script Company Manager of Doing Stuff Mr. Shadow is too busy to do

Septa Viscous

It is with considerable trepidation that I publish the following announcement, issued by the Administrator for the attention of all readers of Ubercharged.net.

For the immediate attention of all employees

Underlings,

You will recall when, eight months ago and against my better instinct, I relaxed the dress code for company employees. More specifically, I removed the ban on non-practical headgear (a rule that certain employees never took with the deadly sincerity it was meant). This was an act of incredible generosity on my part, and I am sure I need not strain my typewriting muscles with the unnecessary addendum that such acts are not in my nature. Bearing this in mind, it is with the utmost disappointment that I must inform you that a number of employees are already abusing their privileges. Privileges that I may revoke at any time.

As your Administrator, I remind you that I am always watching, and it has consequently come to my attention that many of you have begun to wear headwear that can only be described as inappropriate. There appears to be a mistaken assumption in the workplace that hats bestow a certain authority to the wearer, and any such garment, regardless of how idiotic it appears to all sane personnel, is inherently dignified. Let me tell you in no uncertain terms that this assumption is categorically false. I therefore remind you that none of you has any dignity or authority whatsoever and the only reverence you should be showing is to be directed at me, your employer. An employer that needs no absurd headwear to convey their absolute disdain and anger at those of you who continue to busy themselves with ridiculous accessories.

My assistant reliably informs me that the “Hallowe’en Event” of last year was “fun” and “team-building”, terms which do not feature in my vocabulary, although I was assured they were constructive. As part of this event, our supplier issued many of you with antique opera hats, which, although utterly tasteless and dreadful in every way, were apparently “festive”. At the behest of my advisers, who have subsequently found themselves sealed in disused mine shafts, I allowed you to wear them. To my considerable bafflement, an alarming number of you continue to wear these ghastly accoutrements three months down the line. Although my own observations have not noticed a lack of productivity as a direct result of this, be advised that I am hereby cutting leisure time allowances, effective immediately, just to make sure.

In addition, reports from company medical and psychiatric staff have informed me that there is a sickening tide of what they risibly term “hatmania” among the workforce. An increasing number of individuals are concerning themselves with their headgear to an unhealthy extent. As you are, without exception, third-rate pond scum, I do not trouble myself with your many trivial obsessions. Until, that is, they preclude the efficient completion of the jobs you are being paid to complete. I hereby insist that you cease this foolish blathering about hats and helmets and get back to work before I am forced to “motivate” you. I have received reports of employees (now detained for their own protection) crudely fixing makeshift structures of scrap metal to their foreheads and earnestly telling their bemused comrades that it is a fedora. You will not be so fortunate.

Internal Communications have received countless complaints from some of you that my uncharacteristic charity in repealing the ban, and making the headgear catalogue of our esteemed partners at Mann Co. available to you was somehow not enough. “No,” they bawl like disgusting infants. “You have not given me a hat of my own!”

I consider it my duty as Administrator to respond to such grievances personally, and rest assured all those who complained have been transported to the nearest gravel pit and their heads furnished with small metal accessories by my personal security detail.

As for the rest of you, I end this note by reminding you that you are bloodthirsty mercenaries who are only saved from a life of asylums, prison camps and early death by your employers, who expect you to perform your jobs with complete dedication, and have absolutely no requirements to maintain your basic human rights.

Now, get out of my sight

- The Administrator

PS- All employees are reminded that Mann Co Camera Beard technology is to be used only for work-related espionage and not for the impersonation of historical figures. Henceforth anyone in breach of this will be subject to strict disciplinary action.

You have been warned.

Thanks to Tygrys for another brilliant image of horrible, yet entirely deserved, slaughter.

When I first started playing Team Fortress 2 back in the day, it was when the Pyro update was released, since then I always had a grudge against the Pyro, especially those who wield the Backburner. The Backburner has always gotten the short end of the stick when it came to being an unlockable weapon. Those who use it are proclaimed to be “noobs,” and it is often deemed the reason why Pyros are referred to as being “W + M1”. I never had much interest in using the Backburner due to these reasons, as well as its lack of airblast.

It wasn’t until a little while ago I decided to try an experiment in which I would play as a Backburner Pyro for 2 hours. After playing I gained new respect for Backburner, so much so that I actually use the Backburner more then the regular flamethrower. I then decided to take the next step and try to write a guide to give players new insight into the Backburner Pyro play style and maybe change a few peoples opinions on the weapon. So let’s get this guide started.

“Thh Bhcgburnhr” – The Backburner

The Backburner is the Pyros first unlockable weapon which quite obviously replaces his flamethrower; it was created to make Pyros better at ambushing. When the Pyro update was released all the way back on the 19th of July, 2008, it was completely different compared to its present day counter-part. I’m sure that everyone recalls when the Backburner had the +50 health boost, where anyone using the Backburner would rush into battle head on and obliterate the opposition, thus creating the dreaded stereotype that has stuck with this weapon to this day… “W + M1”. The Backburner, however, has retained its ability to get 100% critical hits when attacking an enemy from the back. The only problem with the Backburner is that the area in which the Backburner will get crits is much smaller than the area a Spy would need to backstab someone.

“Trrlth rf thh trhdh” – Tools of the Trade

When playing a Backburner Pyro, having the right weapons for the job separates success and failure. Remember, your goal as a Backburner Pyro is to ambush foes from their blind spots and get in close to deal massive damage quickly. This section will only focus on your secondary and melee weapons.

The Shotgun

The standard sidearm for three classes as well as the primary weapon for our pal the Engineer, the shotgun is a powerful close range weapon, able to pump out 80-90 damage at point blank range; along with firing almost two shots a second, it can deal almost 160-180 damage per second. The shotgun is best used at close range; the same with the Backburner. Using both together would allow you to deal massive damage very quickly if you utilize the critical hits the Backburner gets. If you fail at killing the enemy quickly, switching to the shotgun allows you to deal a killing blow. The main drawback to the shotgun is that it is not very effective at long ranges, though this drawback isn’t new to the Pyro, since close range is this class’ bread and butter (or should I say toast and butter?) You can also utilize the shotgun to take pot-shots at fleeing enemies, to make sure that they don’t get away. The shotgun also gives you the ability to keep Soldiers and Demoman at bay due to the lack if an airblast; your bullets also allow you to destroy enemy sticky bomb traps.

The Flare Gun

The flare gun is the unlock able secondary weapon for the Pyro; it gives the Pyro more of a ranged game in terms of combat, allowing him to shoot flares over long distances to set his enemies ablaze. This gives the Pyro some ranged game but makes him more vulnerable when faced up close when short on ammo. The flare does about 27-33 damage upon a hitting it’s target; however since the flare sets the victim alight, the burn damage adds a total of 60 extra damage into the mix, making a total of about 87- 93 damage for a full burn. The drawbacks of this weapon are that it is only one shot per clip, two second reload time and that the damage it deals is not “sudden.” However, the flare gun is good for finishing off fleeing enemies, if they are on fire, you can score a mini-crit with a flare, if they arn’t on fire, they will be now. Being a Backburner Pyro means getting in close and taking out targets quickly, the flare gun would not be that great of an asset because of the fact that it puts out little damage initially; you can kill an enemy with a flare, but it gives him more time to retaliate and can lead you to your death.

The Fire Axe

What’s better than lighting someone on fire? How about lighting them on fire and then hitting them with a fire axe! The fire axe is as powerful as every other melee weapon (excluding the Scouts bats and the Butterfly knife) which is about 59-72 damage per hit. There isn’t anything special about the fire axe; it’s just a normal weapon.

The Axtinguisher

How can you improve a fire axe? Why not switch it out for a battle axe and wrap it in barbed wire? The Axtinguisher, the Pyros unlockable melee weapon, is a deadly weapon when used against an opponent who is on fire. While the axtinguisher is a weak weapon by default (23-43 damage per strike), its special ability is that, when used to strike a flaming enemy, it will score a critical hit which does a total of 195 damage. The axtinguisher is a great weapon, but is also a bit problematic at times, in order for it to be the most effective; the victim needs to be on fire, so you have to give yourself away by lighting the enemy on fire then trying to switch to your axe to finish them off. It would probably be easier to use the critical hits of the backburner since that should be your goal as a BB Pyro. The axtinguisher would be a wise choice in the event you attack from an angle in which you are not getting critical hits up close, then it would be wise to go in for the kill. However, the Axtinguisher is also more difficult to use due to the lack of the airblast, you won’t be able to push your enemies into a position where you can land the killing blow.

The Hadouken

The Pyro is also a master of a deadly technique from the realm of Street Fighter. By focusing, Pyros can release red hot flames from their palms themselves. This technique is so powerful, that getting caught in its blast will lead the victim to a instant fiery death. Tremble in fear at the Pyros greatest weapon… The Hadouken!

Ok, ok, the hadouken isn’t really a weapon; it is however the Pyros secondary weapon taunt that can deliver a killing blow. With both limited range and usability, it works out better as homage then a full blown tactic. Now, I can’t say I’m adept when it comes to killing enemies with this taunt, however, Don Newman is. I had a discussion with General Balls about Newman and his Pyro skills, he said the following.

*General Balls: You do realise that taunt-kills infuse you with the excess power of the soul that you murdered.
*General Balls: It’s true.
*General Balls: That’s why he’s such a good Pyro.
*General Balls: Because of taunt-killing.

That would certainly explain why Newman is such a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield. After that discussion, I asked Don if he could write some tips and tricks about hadouken for this article: he accepted and here’s what he had to say.

“There are two ways to score successful taunt kills with the pyro. The first is a matter of catching your opponent off-guard. If they are unaware, you can either taunt them while they are stationary (as is the case with snipers), or you can taunt them around tight corners where they do not suspect you and may pass through your line of fire. This approach is most effective when the location of your taunt is somewhere mundane, not near an objective or other major push point in a map. However, taunting repeatedly in the same location is an easy way to make an enemy aware of presence. It is best to infrequently use an ideal position so that they do not anticipate your presence and their impending humiliation.

The other way to score a taunt kill is to take advantage of a player when they cannot move out of the way of your taunt. This often occurs when they themselves are attempting to score a taunt kill and, being the alert and aware player that you are, you avoid their frivolous attempt. Instead, you can turn this situation on its head by taunt-killing them before they escape from their own failed taunt. The same applies to heavies eating sandviches or when the map ends and you have a few seconds to reflect on the scoreboard. If you are close enough to an enemy when the map ends, taunt away! It will be the most embarrassing death they have ever suffered, particularly if they won the map. Taunt killing an enemy in your own spawn can be the silver lining on the cloud of utter shame and defeat you will have already experienced by losing.

Remember; don’t abuse the hadouken in game to try and get kills, it isn’t effective and will most likely cost you your life, so stick with your weapons which were meant for killing.”

The best combination of weapons to use while wielding the Backburner would be the shotgun and the fire axe. The shotgun is more powerful at the close ranges needed while playing the Backburner Pyro; the fire axe gives better power if you are caught up close unexpectedly because you won’t be able to get your enemies where you want them to finish them off with the Axtinguisher. You can still choose to use both the flare and axtinguisher, it all depends on what you feel works better for you.

“Hmbuthhng nn Flhngng”- Ambushing and Flanking

The Backburner was designed to get players to use the Pyro for ambushing; which is what the Pyro is meant to do. Ambushing is crucial tactic for Pyros, especially those that are wielding the Backburner; as that is where it is the most effective. Here are a few tips when it comes to ambushing and flanking.

- Attack from unexpected areas, if the enemy doesn’t see you coming, you are able to deal more damage before they can retaliate. Don’t charge straight into battle, it’s not effective and it makes you look stupid; can you say W + M1?

- Try to outsmart your enemies. If you are spotted by enemies and you can’t win in a face to face confrontation, retreat. Get out of your enemies field of view and try to think of what he / she is expecting you to do. If you act as if you are going one way, they will most likely try to cut you off. Use this to your advantage; take a different route and ambush them with the Backburner.

- When hiding around a corner, make sure you are fully concealed. Remember that your flamethrower extends out in front of you; this can tip enemies off that you are around the corner. Either switch to a smaller weapon that is easier to conceal such as the axe while waiting for enemies to run by, or hide farther back so your flamethrower is fully hidden as well.

- Mix up your routes and hiding places, this works will with the first tip. If you take the same route multiple times or continually use the same hiding places the enemy will most likely catch on and will be prepared for the encounter. Try to find several routes or hiding places and mix them up to be less predicable.

By utilizing these tactics you can be able to catch groups of enemies off guard and take them out quickly and effectively with minimal resistance.

Thrlduhhrth nn Dhmrmhn – Soldiers and Demomen

Soldiers and Demomen are a lot harder to fight without an airblast to reflect their projectiles. Try not to get caught up in a battle against either of these classes at range, you will be severally outmatched. Try to catch them off guard and get in close so you increase the chances of winning the battle without sustaining too much damage. If you are caught in a battle against either of these classes at range, don’t try to win as you are severally overpowered when it comes to ranged weaponry. Try to get them to an area where they will be more susceptible to your flamethrower and shotgun; it would also be good to take pot shots at the enemy with your ranged weapon while retreating so you can damage them before they get in to close. Don’t forget that you can destroy those pesky sticky bombs by shooting them with your shotgun; take out the trap and catch the Demoman off guard.

In the most recent class update for TF2 we saw the Soldier and Demoman going head on in a War. While the Soldier came out triumphant, his new unlocks don’t make him that much of a different threat to the Pyro, seeing as his only new weapon that is a threat to you is the Direct Hit. You won’t have much of a chance at range against a DH Soldier, try to take pot shots at him with your shotgun or flare gun and run away.

The Demoman however has a completely new bag of tricks at his disposal, the biggest being his new close combat gear, the combination of the Chargin’ Targe and the Eyelander. With this combination, Demomen are now more resilient to all your flame based weaponry, taking only 50% of the damage. His new toys also allow him to chase you down by giving him a charge attack, as well as a speed boost by killing enemies with his sword. If you are in a fight with a Demoman who is wielding these weapons, make sure to keep your distance. Try to set him on fire and take him out with your shotgun or a swift melee attack (best recommended if you use the axtinguisher). Remember, is shield protects against fire, not bullets or melee.

“Uhn crncluthuhrn” – In conclusion

I hope you found this article insightful and that maybe you gained some new respect when it comes to wielding the Backburner. Don’t instantly regard those using this weapon as a “noob”, because who knows, you might end up feeling the tingle of critical flames running up your spine when you least suspect it.

Special thanks to Don Newman for his contribution and help, and to Tygrys for creating some of the pictures in this article.

I might be completely wrong, but I’m guessing you’re a moderately intelligent person, right? You know not to stab yourself with a knife, you know you should never eat yellow snow, and so on. It’s all basic stuff that you learn as a kid and never give a second thought to. But what about the stuff you really should know, but don’t? Like the fact you shouldn’t kill me in any video game ever, because I keep a list of people who do, so that so I can hunt them down and kill them in real life later? You may not think it, but there’s a TON of stuff like that, and a lot of examples of this can be found when you quite simply sit down at your computer and try to frag some n00bs on TF2. Yet never fear! I’m here to guide you down the path to enlightenment, and make you even better than you are now at staying alive and looking awesome in the process.

So let’s begin, shall we? Just one final word of warning; if you act smug and say you know all these already in the comments, you’re going to the top of my kill list.

Airblasting can put out fires!

Indeed, in a massive contradiction to the motto of the Pyro (“Hudda hudda Hu!”, which roughly translates to “BURN EVERYTHING”), it turns out the fire bringer can also be the one who takes fire away. It also turns out to be quite a vital tactic at times as well, especially when a bunch of allies have been caught off guard, and the only health kit has been taken by the one person who didn’t actually need it. In all seriousness, though, a quick airblast can be all it takes to keep an offensive push alive, save the only medic on the team, and much more besides, and it’s that sort of stuff that wins matches.

In that sense, it’s amazing more people don’t know about it… But as I’ve already noted, the general health and well-being of all those around you generally doesn’t turn out to be a big concern when you’ve got a big canister of propane on your back. It can also be slightly justified in the way the feature was just thrown out in an update without much fanfare or discussion, which is odd when it’s something that has the capability to change the whole dynamic of the game. Still, turns out this wasn’t the first time Valve would pull off this trick, as demonstrated by the next example of general ignorance…

Heavies can toss out sandviches for healing goodness!

Yes, another thing an update added with only a line or so to confirm its existence, but equally as useful for many of the same reasons as airblast healing is. In fact, couple this strategy with a Medic/Heavy combo, and you have a fairly easy way of saving the Medic and causing complete and utter chaos to the opposing team at the same time. And, whilst Sandviches do disappear over time, the concept of just tossing one in a safe area as a temporary health kit for someone to grab also seems fairly plausible. The possibilities are almost endless, but hardly any of them will get used because hardly anyone knows you can DO this. Which, to me, is a damn shame.

Press “L” to drop the intelligence!

As you’d expect, heavies are great for clearing rooms that contain the intelligence. They’ll make sentries and defences fall in the blink of an eye, and open the gate towards epic intelligence capturing… That it, of course, if they don’t grab it themselves and lumber out the door extremely slowly whilst bloodthirsty enemies easily catch up. I think there are two reasons for this – The first is that it’s yet another feature of the game that’s not made truly clear. It doesn’t appear anywhere in the game as a hint (Although I may be wrong in this regard), and it seems the only way to actually come across this feature is by chance, or by someone screaming it at you during a tirade of obscenities.

The second reason perhaps has a bit of a darker side to it, due to the fact this reason is that people are generally selfish jerks who want all the glory for themselves. Let’s face it, given the slightest chance we can win the game single-handedly invokes an urge to push forwards that’s hard to resist, even if you’re the biggest team player in the world. So people will cling to the intelligence until they die, for the mere purpose they may get a glorious yet completely pointless few points out of doing it. Perhaps that’s another thing you should know but perhaps don’t – Selfishness such as this generally doesn’t pay off. In fact, it just makes you look like an idiot. Which is bad!

More engineers equal quicker builds!

Now, steady on, by that I don’t mean you should all roll Engineer and turtle in the Intel room. What I actually mean is this – See that lone engineer struggling to get all his gear to a top-notch level during set-up time? Switching to Engineer yourself will help him, be incredibly beneficial, and cause no loss to yourself due to the fact you can just pop back into the spawn room when you’re done and switch classes once again. Likewise, if you spawn in the middle of a fight and see a level one teleporter desperately struggling to teleport the mass of people flocked around it, you can switch classes, get it to a position where the queues are non-existent, and then switch back. The fact this is not only helpful but can gain the admirations of your team means its surprising no-one actually does this, but there you go. Now you know to do it, and knowing is half the battle!

Anyway, this list could go on forever, but I doubt any of you want to read a 6,000 word monologue whilst rolling your eyes and calling me a n00b for stating what you think is the obvious. Still, nothing to stop you posting more useful hints that people do not generally know in the comments below! There’s also nothing stopping you from jamming a fork in your toaster, but I will advise you that one of these ideas is significantly better than the other…

Indulge me dear reader; just the other day I was playing a game of Team Fortress Two with my good companion Sir Tygrys when an observation was made. Checking the scoreboards, one notices that many of you are sporting digital avatars that are ill-fitting for such a Gentle Manne’s game.

Now perhaps you can get away with this shameful display on other counties of the Internet, but this is Ubercharged; my companion and I agreed we must do something about it.

And so Sir Tygrys, being a master of the arts, began work producing a collection of Team Fortress 2 inspired portraits tailored for Gentle Menne with an eye for the latest in style. Before presentation I must insist that neither of us will be held responsible if, upon glancing these works of art, your monocle falls into your tea.

But without further ado allow me to present to you our works, complete with the accompanying press release from the newly formed T&T Industries:

T&T Industries is happy to announce the release of our very own avatar pack, more precisely the ‘T&T Industries Classy Classes Avatar Pack’.

This pack was specially designed for all of you who understand the need to be classy in all your digital ventures. This splendid pack comes in two styles: BLU and RED, to suit individual customer preferences. You will find that they have been readily scaled down to 184×184 pixels, so they are immediately ready to use on Steam the very moment you download them to your drive.

All of these spiffing avatars were made by two masters of fine art – Sir Tygrys Murdock and Sir Tesla Sherbonk, with extra thanks to Sir Dont for improving the quality of the original images. Should you encounter either of them during your exploits in digital space, be sure to bid them thanks; they’ll be ecstatic to hear their work is appreciated.

Now go ahead and enjoy this fine art as we have prepared for you.

Remember our motto – quality is of the utmost importance and we strive to satisfy all of our customers.

Signed: T&T Industries Chairman of marketing

Willbur McTrackingster

You can download the newly improved v2 pack HERE, thanks to our friend Dont. You may also wish peruse the full sized imagery whilst you await the cheeseboard. Lastly, to those of you whom have no interest in showing some class, may I perchance interest you in a job sweeping out my chimney?