ubercharged.net

I’ll be brutally honest. I really have no idea how to start this one. This is always something that bugs me whenever I sit down to write something; how do you interest your audience whilst having it not sound inappropriate, without simply using “I’ll get right down to it”? Maybe I’m just obsequious to form, but heck with that, I really have no idea where to begin.

/lampshading

Anyway, there have been a few bits about TF2 nibbling at my ankles, some for quite a while, and some just recently coming into play. Whilst they’re not super important, they’re certainly things I’d like to see added, perhaps with an option to turn them off (although I don’t see why you’d ever want them off, unlike the dingalings).

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Frontier Justice crit activation

This one is fairly recent, given the weapon I’m talking about.
What I want is an action that allows you to toggle on/off any crits you’ve earned for the Justice, using mouse2 (or whatever weird key you have bound to +attack2, you nerd). It’s not a terribly huge deal, but (for example) sometimes I want to take a couple of potshots at enemies far away without wasting my crits, given that there’s less reasons around to use the Luger nowadays…

How it would work: This would start as normal – you’d have crits for your shotgun whenever you’ve earned them, but if you hit mouse2, they’ll shut off until you click it again.

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Invisibility and Dead Ringer icons

Spy is the one class where I always have viewmodels on. This is not to help time melee hits; rather, it’s because I don’t use the class icons on my fairly toasty HUD, and the only way to assure whether you have invisibility on is with the cloak bar, which is odd with the C&D.

Not only that, but I’d like a way to determine whether I have my Dead Ringer out or not, if I so choose to play without viewmodels.

How it would work: Perhaps have the cloak meter glow when you are fully invisible, and have a little cross on it when you’re only semi-invisible? Apart from that, have a Dead Ringer icon next to it whenever you have yours out, and perhaps just an outline when you don’t.

This may be a little confusing for new players though, so I’d just add it as a command that’s off by default.

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Syringe count

It’s just a pet peeve, but I’m someone who uses syringes a fair lot when they actually DO play Medic, blutsauger included.

I also, however, like to heal as much as possible for my charge, so sometimes I’m not so sure if I’ve reloaded yet before hitting a target with the beam. So…

How it would work: Show the syringe count, no matter which weapon you have out. Maybe keep the uber meter permanently on too.

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Grids for Engineers

This is slightly harder to do. In essence, I often find myself spending a second or two more than I’d like aligning my buildings to things like a corner, or just on a cliff, of sorts.

So , you could have the Engineer automatically align his building to the ledge or against the wall in a gridlike section, but the trouble lies with when you want it set diagonally, or don’t want it perfectly on edge.

How it would work: I think it would be handy to have an option that allows this ability. Just a simple console command to give people the choice, off by default, and with which they can script without having to add something silly to the game like +attack3 or +alt2 or anything.

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Glowing bars for items that recharge

Take Jarate, or Bonk, or even the Sandvich now. While the “ding” it makes is a nice touch, sometimes you miss it. Sometimes the bar glitches out and shows that it’s full regardless of the fact that you just used the item.

So here’s a little idea I had: make the bar that shows how far it’s recharged glimmer for a second when you’re fully charged. This would apply to Bonk!, the Sandman, the Banner, stickies, the Targe, the Sandvich, ubers, Jarate, and the spy watches; a sizable portion of weapons.

How it would work: Just a blink of light, maybe a second or so in duration. Alternatively, make the bar turn a different color like green, or make it blink green.

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They’re not very big issues, I’ll admit, but to paraphrase Mr. Croshaw, the niggly little bits in a game which one plays a lot come back to annoy you.

I’ll agree, it’s probably best not to complicate things too much. The thing is, sometimes it’s better to just have a console command for those people who don’t want/need such options, as keeping them out of the multiplayer advanced menu makes it simpler for new players. Some of them, such as the item recharge bar glowing, don’t really need this, while some (like the Engineer grid) do, if there’s any chance at all some people don’t want them.

Anyway, part II will be here at some point. For the time being, anyone got any little things they think would be a good addition to TF2?

sometimes I want to take a couple of potshots at enemies far away without wasting my crits, given that there’s less reason to use the Luger nowadays.

Hello, everyone.

This is Secret Agent Clank speaking. As per my terms of employment contract, and as part of some OVERTIME I was given by showing up to work in a godawful ugly hat, I have been instructed to relay this message from the Administrator. I hope you will all find this piece of information enlightening, and I trust that the accompanying punishment (two weeks of clearing gravel from the pits) will make you all think twice before questioning the status quo next time.

Message begin: *BEEP*

Greetings, underlings.

Several days ago I was approached by several members of your BLU squad. The fact that any of you would even have the gall to approach your potentate without the proper paperwork and 5 hour course in etiquette was disgusting enough for me to spit out my cigarette and crumple my magazine in anger.

Despite this, I’ve averted sentencing the perpetrators in question to the box for the time being. You see, Dr Conagher did bring up a point worth discussing, and it is this point that I now address, regarding Operation: Thunder Mountain.

Members of the team have complained some that, despite the lovely atmosphere and good chi that emanates from the mountain, they find the final target to be too far to reach before RED’s reinforcements would arrive. They claim that the tracks we laid out for the payload cart are excessive and unnecessarily asinine.

Special attention is given to the final area of such, where the cart must be pushed up to the top of a tower through a couple of RED buildings several times.

The problem you have with this, according to Mr. Doe, is that it’s rather  “ridiculous” to push the payload cart all the way up the tower only to drop it into the hole at the top and have it fall back down again.

Because it’s probably necessary to draw you a picture

Let me tell you now: this is not some charade or façade we have cooked up to watch you toil out: this IS an entirely necessary part of the operation, due to the construct of the tower: it is ENTIRELY impenetrable.

It is, in fact, is so sturdy that I assure you, that even after the payload has detonated shaking the very foundations of the mountain itself, the tower will still stand.

We’ve thrown a ton of bombs at it. We’ve test fired our experimental laser cannon at it. We’ve even sent Mr. DeGroot to attack it; all efforts to destroy the structure were fruitless. However they’ve done it, they’ve done it, and the bottom of that very sturdy shaft is where they store our target, and your mission.
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Hopefully that would have gotten through those thick skulls of yours. Now that you know, you can complete the mission without any more incessant pleas for my attention. After last week’s failed attempts to access the treasures of King Sammun-mak at the RED base in Egypt, I hope, for your sake, that you do not fail again.

Now get to work.

*BEEP*

“I got one and most of you didn’t. I didn’t ask for it. I have received 184 friend invites at the time of this post just because I received a golden wrench. I am sick and tired of explaining how I got the golden wrench. I am sick and tired of the greed and selfishness in people. I am sick and tired of being called a F— and a N— for the simple fact that Valve decided to give me a wrench. I felt special for about 2 minutes before the hate started in.”

Such is the testimony of Worryman, one of the lucky (or unlucky) 100 players to get a wrench that does nothing game-changing.

You know, TF2 community, I had a lot of hope for you. I wanted to think that the Stop Having Fun Guys and the Scrubs among us could come together in a friendly environment to blow each other’s brains out. But no. You had get all entitled on me.

The basic feeling is this. “I play TF2, therefore I deserve a chance at getting everything there is to get. I will not be satisfied until I own at least one hat for every class and every miscellaneous item in existence.” Well, guess what, average SPUF-goer. You probably won’t.

You most likely didn’t get a Service Medal. You haven’t gotten the Earbuds. And you certainly won’t get the Greentooth Badge from the Polycount contest.

It pains me that you think Valve has to tell you about every cosmetic and non-gameplay-impacting item and how to get it beforehand, only for you to rage that it’s too hard to get it. It saddens me to think that just because someone else owns something, you feel the need to own either their something or have an identical something of your own.

You know what this is? This is the behavior I would expect from a five-year-old. I would think that some of you could do math, and figure out that 100 out of 71086 meant you were most likely not getting one. That’s the basic logic of a lottery, after all. You don’t sue the state lottery people after you throw away the $5 card, right? Here, look.

And there's a million more pages like this.

That’s the visual representation of your odds of getting the golden wrench.  And you complain because the odds are so low, right? But get this. You complained just as hard over the Service medal, which was definitely a lot easier to get. It’s your expectations that are the problem here, not however badly Valve happens to be failing at the moment.

I gave up on this particular item-sink after a single craft, mind. If I had kept going, there would be a slim chance I would have gotten one.  Then there would be a 100% chance of being called various unseemly names by the community, as the aptly-named Worryman can attest. So, you know what? I’m going over here with my only two hats. And I’m going to wait. And when everyone’s crafted their backpacks into oblivion, I’ll walk up to them and say, “And this is what happens when you play the lottery.” And they’ll be too raged-out to say anything.

Genius, right?

Rage. It causes servers to empty, people to get banned, and competitive teams to break up. Team Fortress 2 probably spawns a little more rage than the average shooter, since it has a heavy focus on teamplay. Clutch plays are more difficult in TF2 than in other games, so if your team sucks, you’re going to get burned for it, even if you’re good.

That said, the root of rage, then, is a feeling that you didn’t deserve to die. This often arises from the fact that certain weapons allow players who lack your level of skill to kill you anyway.

I hereby dedicate this article to the idiot who came up with the Sandman. Please don’t pass your genes on to the next generation, whoever you are.

Honorable Mention: Backburner

Well, in light of the fact that there are MANY rageworthy ways to die in TF2, let’s give a quick shoutout to one that doesn’t make the top 5 list: the Backburner. There’s no airblast on this thing, and it has a good damage boost over the regular flame thrower.

Come on. This thing has W+M1 written all over it.

Which is why dying to a Backburner user feels extraordinarily humiliating. When fighting regular Pyros as Soldier, I usually wait until they airblast and then fire a rocket, or fire slightly to the side of the Pyro so that the rocket can’t be reflected back at me. However, you can’t quite tell which variety they’re using when they’re charging at you, and if you use the aforementioned fancy tactics, you’ll take much more damage than you deserve to take.

And before someone asks about the Sandman, it’s not on this list either, though at one point, it would have been. Heavy nerfing has (fortunately) caused the use of the Sandman to drop to near zero.

5. Level 1 Sentry

If you die to one of these, it’s all your fault. Sorry. As if the beep-beep sound isn’t enough to tip you off, it also takes a few seconds to kill you. That’s usually ample time to figure out where the infernal construction is (hell, you even get little directional hit graphics on the screen to tip you off) and get behind cover.

That doesn’t make it any less irritating when you die to one. Like the Backburner, it takes little skill to set up a Sentry. When an Engineer sets one up in the middle of a fierce firefight, he’s almost guaranteed to get some kills, since people greatly misunderestimate the Sentry’s killing potential. I feel that Level 1 Sentry-based rage arises from the fact that to a Ninjaneer, the Sentry is entirely disposable. It takes five seconds to set one up, and it just doesn’t matter when one goes down. There’s just no satisfaction in taking a Level 1 Sentry down, since in the long run, it changes nothing.

4. Reflected Rocket (when you didn’t fire it)

So when you die to one of these, you just don’t deserve it. At all. It’s only thanks to that dumbass Soldier on your team that your virtual body is lying in little bloody giblets. I mean, seriously, why did he have to spam the rocket? You were going to kill the Pyro anyway. Gosh.

It’s definitely quite lulzworthy when you’re the Pyro who got the kill, though. Vid courtesy of TMP, who gets one too many of these kills on me.

3. Facestab

Well, this one’s a glitch that supposedly was fixed innumerable times. It’s a more-or-less unavoidable side-effect of lag compensation, with the game corresponding the position of the knife at some point in time with the position of the back at a different point in time. It’s still a pretty big issue, and is probably a meme by this point.

Yup, it's a meme.

Unfortunately, I’m almost always on the receiving end of these buggers. Yet another reason to hate AT&T and its disadvantageous DSL.

2. Random Critical

Along with the Sandman, this is definitely not one of the TF2 team’s best brainwaves. Random crits cut fun and intense firefights short; they’re very unsatisfying to get kills with (since you didn’t really deserve the kill), and they’re positively rageworthy when you get killed  by one.

The principle behind the crit is reasonable, I suppose. It’s basically there so that unskilled players or a losing team can tip the balance. What the TF2 team probably didn’t grasp is the fact that they act both ways; both teams can get crits. Crits don’t make a last-stage offensive on Dustbowl any easier.

Crits are almost always disabled in tournaments (with the exception of some BS tourneys, notably the Escapist tournament last year). While situational criticals do make for some excellent strategy ( they’re the only reason the Kritzkrieg and the Backburner make any sense, after all), random criticals are just downright painful.

The fact is, whatever arguments you might make for why the critical hit is good absolutely vanish when you walk around a corner into the face of a crocket.

1. Natascha

Sometimes, when I’m going around kicking ass as Scout (in truth, this doesn’t happen very often), I hear a dakka-dakka sound, and my heart sinks.

Look at that smug face. There’s just nothing to love about this weapon when you’re on the receiving end. Consider this from the point of view of a Scout fighting a Heavy. At close range, where the Scout actually can do significant damage, the Minigun will rip the Scout to pieces; at that kind of range, the Heavy definitely has the upper hand in terms of damage output. So the only chance a Scout has is to dance around the Heavy landing meatshots.

The Natascha, in spite of the damage reduction, is still a solid upgrade. If the Heavy catches the Scout in his sights for even a split second, the slowdown will kick in and the Scout will be finished. Against all other classes, the Natascha fairs comparably well. The slowdown makes it far easier for one to keep their sights squared on the enemy. In addition – and very importantly – it keeps enemies in the open. The best way to take down a Heavy is to fire off some shots and then dart back into cover, but the Natascha makes this an impossibility, making potential assailants sitting ducks for the rest of the Heavy’s team. In fact, there are only two scenarios where a Natascha-wielding Heavy will be at a disadvantage–when attacking sentries and when in open combat with another Heavy–and in practice, these are fairly uncommon.

Until this thing’s slowdown is nerfed, the Natascha will remain grossly overpowered and pathetically easy to use. The Natascha is TF2’s equivalent of the CSS autoshotty – the perfect n00bcannon. As long as it stays that way, it will continue to irritate people.

Plus, I mean, the Natascha is the Heavy’s mistress. You don’t want to encourage infidelity, do you?

I launched TF2 yesterday, and immediately wondered if I’d launched the wrong game. I expected to see a bunch of stereotypical caricatures running around killing each other with guns and rockets and bombs and flamethrowers.

Instead, I felt like I’d opened up a multiplayer game of Oblivion or something.

Instead of seeing black guys spamming sticky bombs all over the place, I saw a bunch of idiots running around with shields, battle axes, Shivs, swords, bows and arrows, and warhammers. At the same time, they were frantically searching for random drops of tricorne hats, crowns, judge wigs, berets, and…Spartan Hoplite helmets. (And let’s not forget the crappy metallurgical simulator included free with the game, from which you can create cloth hats out of metal).

So what the hell gives, Valve? I thought this was a class-based multiplayer shooter, not a goddamn medieval RPG. TF2 is about shooting people.

…WITH GUNS! AND ROCKETS!

(Not arrows!)

Seriously, I’m sure the TF2 community is more creative than that. I find it hard to believe that this crap is the only kind of thing that makes it through the Contribute! page. Once in a while, the people who know what they’re talking about should get a say.

himmelstoss: http://forums.steampowered.com/forums/showthread.php?t=876987
himmelstoss: ^ excellent idea for the next tf2 update
Robin: hirin that dude

That said, is it any wonder that TF2 sucks as much as it does, with such crackpots on the development team?

And as for hats, why did they have to decline in quality so much? The first few generations of hats were made of win, and then their quality dropped precipitously. Now, the hats are either completely out of style or just downright butt-ugly. Blah.

If TF2 keeps going this way, what with the medieval weapons and meme references, I can only speculate on what’s next:

Tygrys, being awesome as usual.

The ROBE and WIZARD HAT (for Scout): combined with the new unlockable, the WIZARD WAND, the Scout can cast +5 Eroticism on anything! Including his mother! But as a tradeoff, he doesn’t get critical hits!

Mac Steam isn’t Valve’s best moment

Mac Steam, prior to its release, seemed to me to be the second coming of Jebus. Then, when it finally launched, it was less of this:

…and more of this:

The fact that TF2’s not yet out on the Mac notwithstanding, I at least expected to be able to play Portal at a framerate that wouldn’t lead to severe optical hemorrhaging.

I couldn’t. At the recommended settings, the bloody thing ran at 9 FPS, dropping to 2 FPS when I fired the damn portal gun. I’m on a Macbook right now with a 2.26 GHz processor and an nvidia 9400M graphics chip. The specs are better than those of the Windows desktop I use for TF2, yet at the same settings that the Mac version recommended for me, I can play Portal at well over 45 frames per second.

The problem? Steam’s like an elephant. It’s big, it’s clunky, and it never forgets.

This screenshot is taken from the activity monitor shortly after launching Steam. The bloody thing uses 124.8 megs of real memory just to stay open. And let’s not forget the fact that it takes up about 20-25% of CPU cycles when it’s idling and doing nothing at all.

I would have expected that the 2 GB of RAM on this laptop would have been enough to handle Steam and Portal. How dead wrong I was. When Portal’s running – at lowest settings, 800×600 – I had no RAM free. This problem persisted even after I closed all other applications and killed some miscellaneous helper processes, such as Growl and iTunesHelper. Basically, Steam and the ported Source engine eat up memory like a zombie eats brains. And the CPU thing is ridiculous, too.

The problem is that Steam refuses to use the native GUI controls, instead opting for a butt-ugly custom GUI, presumably because it’s OMGSHINY! That doesn’t change a thing. Of all of Valve’s works, Steam is without a doubt the worst. It’s clunky, it’s ugly, and it’s downright inefficient. What is it, after all? It’s a damn web browser, combined with an unreliable chat system, an application launcher, and an in-game UI. Clearly, Valve does not subscribe to the KISS principle (and why would they? They’re nerdy developers, after all. ).

In short, the announcement that Steam was coming to Mac was like getting a call from your girlfriend saying she wanted to come over. But when you opened the door, it was her mom instead. Blech.

It is with considerable trepidation that I publish the following announcement, issued by the Administrator for the attention of all readers of Ubercharged.net.

For the immediate attention of all employees

Underlings,

You will recall when, eight months ago and against my better instinct, I relaxed the dress code for company employees. More specifically, I removed the ban on non-practical headgear (a rule that certain employees never took with the deadly sincerity it was meant). This was an act of incredible generosity on my part, and I am sure I need not strain my typewriting muscles with the unnecessary addendum that such acts are not in my nature. Bearing this in mind, it is with the utmost disappointment that I must inform you that a number of employees are already abusing their privileges. Privileges that I may revoke at any time.

As your Administrator, I remind you that I am always watching, and it has consequently come to my attention that many of you have begun to wear headwear that can only be described as inappropriate. There appears to be a mistaken assumption in the workplace that hats bestow a certain authority to the wearer, and any such garment, regardless of how idiotic it appears to all sane personnel, is inherently dignified. Let me tell you in no uncertain terms that this assumption is categorically false. I therefore remind you that none of you has any dignity or authority whatsoever and the only reverence you should be showing is to be directed at me, your employer. An employer that needs no absurd headwear to convey their absolute disdain and anger at those of you who continue to busy themselves with ridiculous accessories.

My assistant reliably informs me that the “Hallowe’en Event” of last year was “fun” and “team-building”, terms which do not feature in my vocabulary, although I was assured they were constructive. As part of this event, our supplier issued many of you with antique opera hats, which, although utterly tasteless and dreadful in every way, were apparently “festive”. At the behest of my advisers, who have subsequently found themselves sealed in disused mine shafts, I allowed you to wear them. To my considerable bafflement, an alarming number of you continue to wear these ghastly accoutrements three months down the line. Although my own observations have not noticed a lack of productivity as a direct result of this, be advised that I am hereby cutting leisure time allowances, effective immediately, just to make sure.

In addition, reports from company medical and psychiatric staff have informed me that there is a sickening tide of what they risibly term “hatmania” among the workforce. An increasing number of individuals are concerning themselves with their headgear to an unhealthy extent. As you are, without exception, third-rate pond scum, I do not trouble myself with your many trivial obsessions. Until, that is, they preclude the efficient completion of the jobs you are being paid to complete. I hereby insist that you cease this foolish blathering about hats and helmets and get back to work before I am forced to “motivate” you. I have received reports of employees (now detained for their own protection) crudely fixing makeshift structures of scrap metal to their foreheads and earnestly telling their bemused comrades that it is a fedora. You will not be so fortunate.

Internal Communications have received countless complaints from some of you that my uncharacteristic charity in repealing the ban, and making the headgear catalogue of our esteemed partners at Mann Co. available to you was somehow not enough. “No,” they bawl like disgusting infants. “You have not given me a hat of my own!”

I consider it my duty as Administrator to respond to such grievances personally, and rest assured all those who complained have been transported to the nearest gravel pit and their heads furnished with small metal accessories by my personal security detail.

As for the rest of you, I end this note by reminding you that you are bloodthirsty mercenaries who are only saved from a life of asylums, prison camps and early death by your employers, who expect you to perform your jobs with complete dedication, and have absolutely no requirements to maintain your basic human rights.

Now, get out of my sight

- The Administrator

PS- All employees are reminded that Mann Co Camera Beard technology is to be used only for work-related espionage and not for the impersonation of historical figures. Henceforth anyone in breach of this will be subject to strict disciplinary action.

You have been warned.

Thanks to Tygrys for another brilliant image of horrible, yet entirely deserved, slaughter.

I might be completely wrong, but I’m guessing you’re a moderately intelligent person, right? You know not to stab yourself with a knife, you know you should never eat yellow snow, and so on. It’s all basic stuff that you learn as a kid and never give a second thought to. But what about the stuff you really should know, but don’t? Like the fact you shouldn’t kill me in any video game ever, because I keep a list of people who do, so that so I can hunt them down and kill them in real life later? You may not think it, but there’s a TON of stuff like that, and a lot of examples of this can be found when you quite simply sit down at your computer and try to frag some n00bs on TF2. Yet never fear! I’m here to guide you down the path to enlightenment, and make you even better than you are now at staying alive and looking awesome in the process.

So let’s begin, shall we? Just one final word of warning; if you act smug and say you know all these already in the comments, you’re going to the top of my kill list.

Airblasting can put out fires!

Indeed, in a massive contradiction to the motto of the Pyro (“Hudda hudda Hu!”, which roughly translates to “BURN EVERYTHING”), it turns out the fire bringer can also be the one who takes fire away. It also turns out to be quite a vital tactic at times as well, especially when a bunch of allies have been caught off guard, and the only health kit has been taken by the one person who didn’t actually need it. In all seriousness, though, a quick airblast can be all it takes to keep an offensive push alive, save the only medic on the team, and much more besides, and it’s that sort of stuff that wins matches.

In that sense, it’s amazing more people don’t know about it… But as I’ve already noted, the general health and well-being of all those around you generally doesn’t turn out to be a big concern when you’ve got a big canister of propane on your back. It can also be slightly justified in the way the feature was just thrown out in an update without much fanfare or discussion, which is odd when it’s something that has the capability to change the whole dynamic of the game. Still, turns out this wasn’t the first time Valve would pull off this trick, as demonstrated by the next example of general ignorance…

Heavies can toss out sandviches for healing goodness!

Yes, another thing an update added with only a line or so to confirm its existence, but equally as useful for many of the same reasons as airblast healing is. In fact, couple this strategy with a Medic/Heavy combo, and you have a fairly easy way of saving the Medic and causing complete and utter chaos to the opposing team at the same time. And, whilst Sandviches do disappear over time, the concept of just tossing one in a safe area as a temporary health kit for someone to grab also seems fairly plausible. The possibilities are almost endless, but hardly any of them will get used because hardly anyone knows you can DO this. Which, to me, is a damn shame.

Press “L” to drop the intelligence!

As you’d expect, heavies are great for clearing rooms that contain the intelligence. They’ll make sentries and defences fall in the blink of an eye, and open the gate towards epic intelligence capturing… That it, of course, if they don’t grab it themselves and lumber out the door extremely slowly whilst bloodthirsty enemies easily catch up. I think there are two reasons for this – The first is that it’s yet another feature of the game that’s not made truly clear. It doesn’t appear anywhere in the game as a hint (Although I may be wrong in this regard), and it seems the only way to actually come across this feature is by chance, or by someone screaming it at you during a tirade of obscenities.

The second reason perhaps has a bit of a darker side to it, due to the fact this reason is that people are generally selfish jerks who want all the glory for themselves. Let’s face it, given the slightest chance we can win the game single-handedly invokes an urge to push forwards that’s hard to resist, even if you’re the biggest team player in the world. So people will cling to the intelligence until they die, for the mere purpose they may get a glorious yet completely pointless few points out of doing it. Perhaps that’s another thing you should know but perhaps don’t – Selfishness such as this generally doesn’t pay off. In fact, it just makes you look like an idiot. Which is bad!

More engineers equal quicker builds!

Now, steady on, by that I don’t mean you should all roll Engineer and turtle in the Intel room. What I actually mean is this – See that lone engineer struggling to get all his gear to a top-notch level during set-up time? Switching to Engineer yourself will help him, be incredibly beneficial, and cause no loss to yourself due to the fact you can just pop back into the spawn room when you’re done and switch classes once again. Likewise, if you spawn in the middle of a fight and see a level one teleporter desperately struggling to teleport the mass of people flocked around it, you can switch classes, get it to a position where the queues are non-existent, and then switch back. The fact this is not only helpful but can gain the admirations of your team means its surprising no-one actually does this, but there you go. Now you know to do it, and knowing is half the battle!

Anyway, this list could go on forever, but I doubt any of you want to read a 6,000 word monologue whilst rolling your eyes and calling me a n00b for stating what you think is the obvious. Still, nothing to stop you posting more useful hints that people do not generally know in the comments below! There’s also nothing stopping you from jamming a fork in your toaster, but I will advise you that one of these ideas is significantly better than the other…

Medics.

Murderous tendencies aside, there’s no doubt that medics have one of the most important jobs on a team. While the job isn’t glamorous, a good medic goes a long way toward winning a round. And to encourage people to play Medic, medics are rewarded with points. Lots of points.

Now, obviously a team needs a medic. If a team indeed has a medic, then it’s certainly good that some brave soul decided to step up to the bat (or is it bonesaw?), and play the rather unglamorous support class. Really, that’s great! But it’s not good that many medics take this as a license to whine.

Well, let me quickly run a quick disclaimer. I like playing medic, though I don’t play it very much. If ever I get bored of playing Demoman or Soldier (my favorite two classes), or if my team desperately needs a medic, then I play medic. Something is quite thrilling about staying alive when everyone is gunning for you.

Z-2 is “Thanks”, we know.

OK! Fine! You get the short end of the stick, we know. You don’t get the glamour of playing soldier or demoman or spy. You don’t get many kills. Sure. Fine. Your point?

HEALING IS YOUR JOB. It’s why you’re playing medic. Unless you’re an amazingly good battle medic (and actually, even if you are), you still should heal people who need it. You can’t hold a grudge against someone and refuse to heal them (Healers against Haloes, anyone?). It makes you the most useless player on the server. You’re even depriving yourself of points as a matter of principle. A really, really misguided principle. Congratulations, you.

Z-2 is a matter of courtesy. I always thank my medics, but I don’t need to. Hell, the game automatically thanks my medic for me!

While it’s good that many players take good care to protect their medics, that’s not their primary job. Their primary job is to kill the enemy. It’s the medic’s responsibility to watch their own back and the back of their patient, and to warn the patient of imminent danger – especially true in a competitive setting. The patient is doing the killing here. Let him concentrate on the killing. It’s considerably simpler to keep the medigun beam locked on the patient than to actually gun an enemy down. The medic, having only to hold the LMB down, should have plenty of time to check around and be completely aware of everything.

The Patient’s Responsibility

The patient has one responsibility regarding his medic: keep him alive. In other words, don’t go out of your medic’s healbeam range. Listen to your medic. Love him [sort of NSFW]. Remember, working with your medic will be beneficial to both of you.

Still no excuse to bitch. Medics, do your job, please.

Thank you.

I am one of those people that rants when he keeps getting killed by a pyro. I fully admit to that, and I admit to it without guilt because when I stop playing, I realize that it’s my fault the pyro ever killed me. Unfortunately, some people don’t see that light. They see him as “W+M1! Noob class! RAAAAAAEEEEGGGGG!” but never admit that pyro is a difficult class to play. Let’s take a look, shall we?

What makes a Pyro so easy to hate?

You may recall way back when Clank stated that afterburn from the pyro’s flamethrower does sixty damage alone. This, according to the tf2wiki,, is true, and is one reason that the pyro is hated–the strong afterburn, which goes on for six seconds, and any smart pyro will lay shotgun/flare gun fire on you as you run, so it’s a bit inaccurate to say that 60 damage is all you’ll take in afterburn damage after facing a pyro.

Another thing the Pyro is hated for is his dps (damage per second). The flamethrower fires at 22.5 particles per second, each particle dealing 4 to 6.8 damage per particle, depending on range. That means the flamethrower, at point blank range, deals 153 damage per second. That means that the Pyro can kill five classes in less than a second, and is capable of killing two classes is approximately seven or eight seconds (153 close range + afterburn, assuming the pyro is killed while laying down the initial 153 damage). So basically, the pyro deals a lot of damage really quickly.

Lastly, a pyro could be hated for his stale style of gameplay. Surely, we’re all familiar with the W+M1 method of Pyro, where a Pyro relies entirely on the W and Mouse 1 keys to play. While this can be entertaining for some, this makes the pyro seem less skillful than other classes like the soldier and demoman. Obviously, as with any other class, there are some extremely skillful pyros (such as the well-known Don Newman)

What’s to not hate about the Pyro?

As stated above, the pyro does a lot of damage in a little bit of time. I probably stated those details in a manner that makes the pyro seem OP. But, surprise, he’s not. Let’s take a look.

The Pyro is the close range/ambush class. The only exception to him being close range is his flare gun, and that’s not a good long range weapon, it does 13-15 damage on impact with six seconds afterburn, a total of maximum 75 damage. Most of the time, it’s used to annoy enemies to run to the nearest health pack and annoy snipers. So, the Pyro is almost entirely close range. That means the Pyro has to get really close to you to reach its full potential. If you can’t spot the close range class running towards you, you’re doing something wrong. A good player is fully aware of his surroundings–mostly for ninjaneers and spies.

Afterburn is a tricky subject. It is surprisingly powerful, and it can easily cause a lot of rage due to the potential of dying right before you get to a health pack or resupply. However, there are a couple of things to consider. When the Spy/Sniper update was initiated, the unlockable weapon Jarate was introduced. Jarate, among other things, was capable of extinguishing fire. After that, an update was made that Pyros can extinguish flames with their compression blast. Heavies have the Sandvich, a transportable health kit that can be used to render the afterburn useless in terms of damage dealt. Every decent team hopefully has at least one medic and at least one engineer who has a dispenser at a minimum level two. Both of which heal at a rate faster than afterburn can destroy. Most medics have the mindset that burning “lit” allies deserve healing the most, then lit allies, then burning allies. With all these to get rid of afterburn’s effects, what’s to complain about?

W+M1 is a tricky subject. Most of the time, that is what a pyro does. He runs ahead, spewing fire everywhere. However, that’s an incredibly legit tactic, and I refer to paragraph one to explain why–Pyro’s still have to get really close to you. Besides, W+M1 is pulled by other classes. I’m looking at you, Heavy Weapons Guy. The Heavy does the very definition of W+M1. And what makes it different from when the pyro does it? Nothing, that’s what. You can’t argue that it’s different because the pyro can move at 100% speed when he spams, because the Heavy’s range (as short as it may be) makes up for his lack of mobility when pursuing targets.

Pyro = Dead.

In summary…

A lot of people that hate the Pyro are only frustrated because there’s a Pyro killing them, otherwise they’re usually quiet about it. Really, the best thing to do when somebody complains about a Pyro is to just do nothing. When somebody becomes frustrated, they are most likely not going to base their arguments on logic. All you really should do is just keep going on, arguing with them is pointless. I hope that I’ve changed some opinions with this article.

Credit to Toakal for once more helping me when I’m out of pictures. (He made the second one.)

Wayhey! We’re at the halfway point now, it’s time for an obligatory “thank you” from me for reading thus far.

Okay that’s enough thanking you for one day, let’s get down to business, does anybody notice how often people leave their support such as medics and engineers open, then whine “omgs medic wherez mah healzzzz” or “need a teleporter here x9001″.

It seems to happen all too often, it’s even dumber when the medic charges headlong into battle in front of the class escorting him, then complains “omg protectyourmedic n00bzzzzz”…. let’s get started

19. Don’t endanger your medic

“V. I. D.” – Sun Tzu

Look at it in terms of “time cost.” If you die, you have a 10 second respawn and a 5 sec walk back to the battle; it’s not pleasant, but it’s not a huge deal. Your medic has a 10 sec respawn, plus a 5 second walk, plus a 90 second charge time for his uber.

So you should be trying to kill the enemy medic at all costs. If you know your medic has just used his uber, it’s semi-acceptable to endanger him since you don’t have much to lose and you’re going after an enemy who does, but yet you shouldn’t charge out without a plan to get your medic back to safety.

If you’re an overhealed heavy and you see a rocket heading towards your team, don’t hesitate to jump in front of it and tank it out with the soldier; even if it’s a crit, you have plenty of health to spare.

To use another example – from Pokemon – Blissey is a pokemon with a ridiculously high HP; she (there are no male Blisseys, don’t ask why) is known as a “wall.” That is, she is meant to switch in to sponge up any incoming attacks. Replace Blissey with heavy and you have the same idea; assist by blocking any attacks to your medic.

WARNING: Serious Zone! – Escorting

Escorting a key player is one of the most important things in the game, the most common type of escort relationship is that of a soldier/demo/heavy and a medic. At other times, it could be a fighting class escorting a scout to the intelligence room by clearing the sentries.

The escort has one key role: keep his VIP alive until his aim is accomplished. This can be done by meatshielding (soaking up rockets or bullets), elimination (destroying the threat), or retreating (laying down suppressive fire until you can get support).

In most cases, the escorted class is a medic, engineer, or scout. IT could also be a key attacker such as a demoman to take out a well-positioned sentry gun.

The best way to escort a player would be to physically block the attacker from being able to directly hit his preferred target (the medic) while forcing any attackers to come into his effective range.

Escorting is best seen in clanscrims where the pocket soldier or demoman’s goal is to defend his medic while pushing.

End Serious Zone

20. Watch your time.

“One second is nothing, one million is a statistic” – Josef Stalin

You have a minute on the clock and you’re about to respawn as a medic. Don’t use the normal uber, use a critzer, there’s a high chance that the uber wouldn’t even be charged in time to create an impact on the game, but the critzer might.

Don’t bother building up and coordinating two ubers if you have 60 seconds left on the clock (come to think of it, if you HAD two ubers, you wouldn’t be in that rut in the first place); try to make use of it so that you can cause maximum damage from a safe distance and then sweep in during the final seconds with a big push.

A suicide charge should be used only as a last resort since it will definitely be your last shot. If you want to suicide rush, try to coordinate it so that you can actually take the point.

21. Heavies, Soldiers and Medics first

“Women and children first, then men, then dogs, then cats, mimes, and finally bankers” – Oscar Wilde on the financial crisis

You’re a scout: you can run fast. So…. WHY THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU TAKING THE TELEPORT WHEN THERE’S A HEAVY NEXT TO YOU?

Rude, crude and mean, but very, very logical. Heavies should always be given priority for the teleport; the same goes for soldiers.
Medics are another important class that should be given priority for the teleport. Why? Simple. Although a medic is a fast class, a medic is also a very important class – he needs to be at the front so that he can get health to the people that need it the most – your frontline fighters.

Another special mention of a “fast” class that should be given priority is the engineer, who needs to get to his base faster (because it’s in need of repairs or something like that). Especially if it’s his teleporter, and you know his stuff is under attack.

To sum it all up, here’s a general list of who should get the tele, in a fight, it may vary.

First priority: Heavies, Soldiers, Medics.

First/Second priority: Engineer.

Second: Demomen

Third: Pyros, Spies.

Last: Snipers, Scouts

For your benefit, I’m providing the spray I use below, it works wonders on public and semi-pro servers.

22. Reload, Reload, Reload

“Be prepared” – Sun Tzu

You should spend every second of the fight doing something. If you’re not fighting, you should be healing, and if you’re not healing up, you should be fighting. If you’re not doing either, you should be on the way to the front or heading back from it.

There is one thing you can do while healing or fighting on the move – reloading. You never want to go around a corner – or into any battle, for that matter – with one rocket in the launcher (stupid!). You don’t want to rush in, ubered, with just one sticky in the launcher (stupider!), and you certainly don’t want to successfully outmanoeuvre a heavy only to find that you are out of scatgun ammo (stupidest!).

Make sure that your gun is loaded when you reach the front lines, for weapons which have “interruptible” reloads, you should be reloading all the time.

23. Metal for engies, Healthkits for medics

Do you really need that one rocket that you used to rocket jump? Especially when there’s an engineer that desperately needs to upgrade his gun to level 2?

Likewise, a medic can’t heal himself, so do you really need the health to patch up that 5hp of fall damage?

I’ve said this a million times before, and this will be the last time.

DON’T TAKE THE !@#%!@#&*AMMO AND HEALTH!!

This has been a community service announcement brought to you by me, thank you.

24. Don’t reload, switch to your secondary

“Six bullets against your one?” – James Bond

Mr. Bond got it right there: six bullets are better than one.

You’ve fired off four rockets, and your enemy (a soldier) is still alive. It’s close combat, and he’s fired off his rockets too, so what do you do?

Some will reload their launcher with a single rocket (I often do this if my opponent is injured), which is alright if you are confident of finishing him off in one. But in a one on one, it’s often better to swap to your shotgun and gun him down – you have six shots.

There is also the situation when, as a scout, you’re in close range against an enemy, depending on the situation, you may see fit to reload your scattergun to finish off your opponent in a single shot

WARNING: Serious Zone! – Weapon Proficiency

Sometimes, you’ll find yourself out of ammo for your primary weapon. At these times, it helps to be good or at least have some skills with your secondary or even your melee weapon. You should be capable of doing some damage with a shotgun, pistol, SMG, or even a blutsauger or syringe gun.

Take the time to study the power and effective range of your weapons so that you can be ready for a situation where you’re out of ordnance.

The players who will likely find themselves running out of ammo will be soldiers, demos and heavies (rockets run out fast, and the minigun is a bullet hose), so these are classes who should be well versed in shotgun and stickybomb use. The bottle and the KGB/fists should also be in your arsenal if you need to knockout a weakened opponent at close range.

End Serious Zone