ubercharged.net

Directly from the Ubercharged.net secret interview headquarters.

An exclusive interview with Mr.E., the anonymous author of the Übermensch controversial report that made its way into the internet last week.

Reporter: It is a pleasure to be here ladies and gentlemen, gamers and gamerettes. Today we have here Mr.E., who shall remain anonymous for the duration of this interview. Good afternoon Mr.E.

Mr.E: Good afternoon to you too.

Reporter: Now, Mr.E., last week this report made its way to the internet through secret channels, and has since then been brought to both the attention of the media and the public. Would you mind explaining to us what is the content of this report so that we are all on the same page?

Mr.E: Well, this report, if you so want to call your view of it, consists of the analysis of a colleague of mine at the Reliable Excavation and Demolition company. Now, it is common knowledge that none of us in the RED team are the most usual of individuals in the psychological front. You should hear what some of them talk about themselves. What some of them say to their weapons or what they do to grass or birds or…

Reporter: Excuse me Mr.E., but… Weapons?

Mr.E: Yes, I mean… it’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Because we’re RED, and at least we’re not BLU, and that’s what counts. That’s the important point. That. Is. What. Counts. Except… This colleague of ours… I’m not so sure if he still thinks the same. I mean, initially we were all pretty quiet, you know how it is when you’re all new at the job. But then after some time, after some updates in our lives, he started to talk a lot more. And suddenly his conversations do not seem so simple, his rage does not seem simply turned towards BLU, it seems towards everyone and anyone; and sometimes he looks at us, and believe me you don’t want to see him look at you, because his eyes, his eyes-

Reporter: They are scary?

Mr.E: Yes; well, I suppose scary is a way of telling it, but the truth is it’s more than that. Sometimes it’s as if he holds us in no more contempt than the BLU’s, and that we’re all ants to him, and he sits there in his chair, with blood dripping from his fingertips and with that look on his eyes.

*Mr.E. drinks a bit of water*

Reporter: So, you believe this colleague of yours might wish you harm?

Mr.E: No, it’s not that. We’re nine combatants in the middle of a war; of course someone wishes harm to someone else, accidents and hostilities happen. It’s normal, it’s the human condition that one or other of us might sometimes be angry. But the thing is that we cannot hurt each other. There is no fire between friends, and that’s nice and okay, because that means that we can protect each other and not be worried about stray bullets. Oh, and it helps against spies, can’t stress that enough.

Reporter: I believe there might be a ‘but’ incoming?

Mr.E: Yes, there is… He is the only one that can affect us. I mean, my dispensers and such can heal them, and I can teleport them, and perhaps I shouldn’t be saying so many things, but gosh darn it… We can help each other, but it’s all very subtle and simple. But he can heal us, uber us, give us crits – And he’s the only one who can directly affect us like that. And if he can heal us, then he might be able to hurt us; and he’s invincible and we don’t know if he shares his invincibility because he has to, or if he’s not bound by any rules, and and and….

*Mr.E. drinks some more water*

Reporter: Are you calmer now, sir?

Mr.E: Yes, yes. It’s just that when I think of him then, looking at us sometimes when he barges in, his body reflecting every light in a sickly red glow. It gets to my stomach a bit.

Reporter: I am sorry for the interruption sir, but it seems that there are some disturbances outside our studio.

Mr.E: What? WHAT? Is it him? It is him, isn’t it? It’s him? It’s HIM!

Reporter: No, of course not sir. It cannot possibly be him, our headquarters are well hidden, there’s no way such a person might find its way here, and-

Mr.E: He can, believe me he can. The things I’ve seen him do. He. Can.

*CRASH*

Mr.E: It’s him, it’s him. I know it’s him, no one can keep him out, no one, no one. Noonenoonenoonenoonenoonenoone-

*Reporter nervously wipes sweat from his forehead*

Reporter: Stay calm please Mr.E., I’m sure it’s just the wind, no reason to be alarme-

*CRASH*

External voice: We apologize for cutting this transmission. We shall make sure that the rest of this interview will be transmitted as soon as possible with possible corrections and RUN RUN RUN FOR SAFETY HE’S BEHIND ME AND HE’S WATCHING US ALL AND HE’LL KILL US ALL HE’S MAD HE’S M-

*SPLAT*

-connection lost-

Ibuprofen from the forums continues to do our job for us with this amusing image breaking down the appeal of each Team Fortress 2 class:

Thanks to Bazinga for sending this in. YouTube user thejazzman9475 has been hard at work creating some of the best TF2 videos ever made. Ever. So far, they’re unfinished, but they’re already dripping with freshly painted win.

There are a couple other ones in the works too, featuring the Pyro, the Sniper, and the Engineer. There’s also one with a surprisingly risqué Heavy/Medic pairs dance sequence. I, for one, can’t wait for these to be finished.

Hello, everyone.

This is Secret Agent Clank speaking. As per my terms of employment contract, and as part of some OVERTIME I was given by showing up to work in a godawful ugly hat, I have been instructed to relay this message from the Administrator. I hope you will all find this piece of information enlightening, and I trust that the accompanying punishment (two weeks of clearing gravel from the pits) will make you all think twice before questioning the status quo next time.

Message begin: *BEEP*

Greetings, underlings.

Several days ago I was approached by several members of your BLU squad. The fact that any of you would even have the gall to approach your potentate without the proper paperwork and 5 hour course in etiquette was disgusting enough for me to spit out my cigarette and crumple my magazine in anger.

Despite this, I’ve averted sentencing the perpetrators in question to the box for the time being. You see, Dr Conagher did bring up a point worth discussing, and it is this point that I now address, regarding Operation: Thunder Mountain.

Members of the team have complained some that, despite the lovely atmosphere and good chi that emanates from the mountain, they find the final target to be too far to reach before RED’s reinforcements would arrive. They claim that the tracks we laid out for the payload cart are excessive and unnecessarily asinine.

Special attention is given to the final area of such, where the cart must be pushed up to the top of a tower through a couple of RED buildings several times.

The problem you have with this, according to Mr. Doe, is that it’s rather  “ridiculous” to push the payload cart all the way up the tower only to drop it into the hole at the top and have it fall back down again.

Because it’s probably necessary to draw you a picture

Let me tell you now: this is not some charade or façade we have cooked up to watch you toil out: this IS an entirely necessary part of the operation, due to the construct of the tower: it is ENTIRELY impenetrable.

It is, in fact, is so sturdy that I assure you, that even after the payload has detonated shaking the very foundations of the mountain itself, the tower will still stand.

We’ve thrown a ton of bombs at it. We’ve test fired our experimental laser cannon at it. We’ve even sent Mr. DeGroot to attack it; all efforts to destroy the structure were fruitless. However they’ve done it, they’ve done it, and the bottom of that very sturdy shaft is where they store our target, and your mission.
________________________________________________________________________________

Hopefully that would have gotten through those thick skulls of yours. Now that you know, you can complete the mission without any more incessant pleas for my attention. After last week’s failed attempts to access the treasures of King Sammun-mak at the RED base in Egypt, I hope, for your sake, that you do not fail again.

Now get to work.

*BEEP*

It is now nearly twelve weeks since the disaster at a Gray Gravel (GG) site in the badlands of New Mexico. In mid-April, a gravel pit exploded in an alleged assault on a weapons facility hidden there. Still the dire repercussions of the catastrophe linger. Gone are the familiar sounds of eagles calling and gunfights raging; the only thing one can hear is the relentless crunch crunch crunch of the unrefined gravel that continues to spill into the countryside. In whatever direction one cares to look, the vista is the same.

It is not just the scenic mesas and suspicious-looking industrial sites that are being overwhelmed. The very livelihoods of the locals have been utterly swamped by a torrent of small stones. Over 86% of New Mexico’s workforce are employed as mercenaries by Builders League United and Reliable Excavation & Demolition, the two giants of New Mexican industry. With their usual battlegrounds buried under up to two feet of gravel, these mercenaries are unable to work.

“Have you ever tried walking through this much unrefined gravel?” Asked one such employee, Dell Conagher. “You’re just constantly sliding and stumbling. And I can tell you: falling on that stuff hurts.” He raises his hands, which are visibly imprinted by the tiny stones. “Now imagine fighting in it. It’s out of the question.”

Instead, these soldiers of fortune must occupy themselves with clearing the badlands of the ocean of gravel that stretches to the horizon. It’s backbreaking labour, and the pay – provided by Gray Gravel co. as part of the compulsory reparations programme hurriedly rushed through Congress – is much less than they are used to. Another victim, a Scottish expatriate, has had to sell his luxurious mansion to fund his alcoholism, which it can only be assumed was triggered by the crisis.

It seems the mercenaries will continue to shovel for quite some time, too, as even three months after the explosion, gravel continues to pour from the pit. GG have faced stern criticism from both locals and the Government for their failure to stem the deluge, but company representatives blame the difficult terrain and constant industrial warfare. Mr Conagher is not convinced:-

“Industrial warfare? There ain’t been any industrial warfare! Not since we’re all cleaning up this goddamn gravel. Sure, there’s the banditos that occasionally come up from the south, but that’s nothing a few well-trained mercenary squads couldn’t crush. As for the terrain, have they ever thought of flying stuff in on one of those blimps the Australians have been conjuring up? I’ll tell you what the problem is: those moustache-twirling Brits don’t want to pay up.”

Indeed, a lot of local ire has focused on the fact that GG is originally a British company, and its current CEO is an Englishman, Isambard Beaufort Gray. Mr Gray was unavailable for comment, as he was having his moustache recurled. It has been claimed, however, that GG is simply a front, a cover organisation for a secret offshoot of Builder’s League United, but BLU representatives have declined to comment.

There is a growing consensus that such an incident should never be allowed to happen again. President Kennedy has called for a total end to building gravel pits so deep in the dangerous badlands, pending a review into the environmental and social impacts such ventures can have. This has displeased other gravel corporations, who say that the rising price and dwindling reserves of gravel worldwide force them to delve ever further into previously impractical locations.

But what of the present situation? Non-mercenary locals are worried about the potential health risks associated with being exposed to unrefined gravel. GG has made several official press conferences reassuring the people that the gravel is harmless “unless ingested”. Health officials, however are more cautious, urging people to remain indoors. Some commentators have even reignited rumours – denied for over a century – that New Mexico gravel is in fact “fool’s gravel”, which is toxic. The International Gravel Standards Agency is currently conducting trials.

In a large house near the afflicted Badwater Basin, I came across a single mother and her young son. Concerned for his health, she will not allow him to play in the gravel. The boy, clearly devastated by his confinement, was alternating between hyperactive pacing and sucking his thumb. I asked the lady how she was coping:-

“Well, obviously it’s not ideal – my son always likes to go out to play with his little friends. It’s no fun for him and it’s no fun for me.  He’s just hanging around at home, which is not something I want when I have visitors. I’ve had to put my own life on hold.”

As I depart into the gravel-tinged sunset, I see yet another truck, full to bursting with gravel. I watch it struggle its way across the stony ground towards the coast, where it will be shipped to Canada and dumped in the lakes and national parks. Oddly, no-one has yet criticised GG for its method of disposal.

Picture credits: Tygrys; Scout’s Mom model: Rebbacus.

Rage. It causes servers to empty, people to get banned, and competitive teams to break up. Team Fortress 2 probably spawns a little more rage than the average shooter, since it has a heavy focus on teamplay. Clutch plays are more difficult in TF2 than in other games, so if your team sucks, you’re going to get burned for it, even if you’re good.

That said, the root of rage, then, is a feeling that you didn’t deserve to die. This often arises from the fact that certain weapons allow players who lack your level of skill to kill you anyway.

I hereby dedicate this article to the idiot who came up with the Sandman. Please don’t pass your genes on to the next generation, whoever you are.

Honorable Mention: Backburner

Well, in light of the fact that there are MANY rageworthy ways to die in TF2, let’s give a quick shoutout to one that doesn’t make the top 5 list: the Backburner. There’s no airblast on this thing, and it has a good damage boost over the regular flame thrower.

Come on. This thing has W+M1 written all over it.

Which is why dying to a Backburner user feels extraordinarily humiliating. When fighting regular Pyros as Soldier, I usually wait until they airblast and then fire a rocket, or fire slightly to the side of the Pyro so that the rocket can’t be reflected back at me. However, you can’t quite tell which variety they’re using when they’re charging at you, and if you use the aforementioned fancy tactics, you’ll take much more damage than you deserve to take.

And before someone asks about the Sandman, it’s not on this list either, though at one point, it would have been. Heavy nerfing has (fortunately) caused the use of the Sandman to drop to near zero.

5. Level 1 Sentry

If you die to one of these, it’s all your fault. Sorry. As if the beep-beep sound isn’t enough to tip you off, it also takes a few seconds to kill you. That’s usually ample time to figure out where the infernal construction is (hell, you even get little directional hit graphics on the screen to tip you off) and get behind cover.

That doesn’t make it any less irritating when you die to one. Like the Backburner, it takes little skill to set up a Sentry. When an Engineer sets one up in the middle of a fierce firefight, he’s almost guaranteed to get some kills, since people greatly misunderestimate the Sentry’s killing potential. I feel that Level 1 Sentry-based rage arises from the fact that to a Ninjaneer, the Sentry is entirely disposable. It takes five seconds to set one up, and it just doesn’t matter when one goes down. There’s just no satisfaction in taking a Level 1 Sentry down, since in the long run, it changes nothing.

4. Reflected Rocket (when you didn’t fire it)

So when you die to one of these, you just don’t deserve it. At all. It’s only thanks to that dumbass Soldier on your team that your virtual body is lying in little bloody giblets. I mean, seriously, why did he have to spam the rocket? You were going to kill the Pyro anyway. Gosh.

It’s definitely quite lulzworthy when you’re the Pyro who got the kill, though. Vid courtesy of TMP, who gets one too many of these kills on me.

3. Facestab

Well, this one’s a glitch that supposedly was fixed innumerable times. It’s a more-or-less unavoidable side-effect of lag compensation, with the game corresponding the position of the knife at some point in time with the position of the back at a different point in time. It’s still a pretty big issue, and is probably a meme by this point.

Yup, it's a meme.

Unfortunately, I’m almost always on the receiving end of these buggers. Yet another reason to hate AT&T and its disadvantageous DSL.

2. Random Critical

Along with the Sandman, this is definitely not one of the TF2 team’s best brainwaves. Random crits cut fun and intense firefights short; they’re very unsatisfying to get kills with (since you didn’t really deserve the kill), and they’re positively rageworthy when you get killed  by one.

The principle behind the crit is reasonable, I suppose. It’s basically there so that unskilled players or a losing team can tip the balance. What the TF2 team probably didn’t grasp is the fact that they act both ways; both teams can get crits. Crits don’t make a last-stage offensive on Dustbowl any easier.

Crits are almost always disabled in tournaments (with the exception of some BS tourneys, notably the Escapist tournament last year). While situational criticals do make for some excellent strategy ( they’re the only reason the Kritzkrieg and the Backburner make any sense, after all), random criticals are just downright painful.

The fact is, whatever arguments you might make for why the critical hit is good absolutely vanish when you walk around a corner into the face of a crocket.

1. Natascha

Sometimes, when I’m going around kicking ass as Scout (in truth, this doesn’t happen very often), I hear a dakka-dakka sound, and my heart sinks.

Look at that smug face. There’s just nothing to love about this weapon when you’re on the receiving end. Consider this from the point of view of a Scout fighting a Heavy. At close range, where the Scout actually can do significant damage, the Minigun will rip the Scout to pieces; at that kind of range, the Heavy definitely has the upper hand in terms of damage output. So the only chance a Scout has is to dance around the Heavy landing meatshots.

The Natascha, in spite of the damage reduction, is still a solid upgrade. If the Heavy catches the Scout in his sights for even a split second, the slowdown will kick in and the Scout will be finished. Against all other classes, the Natascha fairs comparably well. The slowdown makes it far easier for one to keep their sights squared on the enemy. In addition – and very importantly – it keeps enemies in the open. The best way to take down a Heavy is to fire off some shots and then dart back into cover, but the Natascha makes this an impossibility, making potential assailants sitting ducks for the rest of the Heavy’s team. In fact, there are only two scenarios where a Natascha-wielding Heavy will be at a disadvantage–when attacking sentries and when in open combat with another Heavy–and in practice, these are fairly uncommon.

Until this thing’s slowdown is nerfed, the Natascha will remain grossly overpowered and pathetically easy to use. The Natascha is TF2’s equivalent of the CSS autoshotty – the perfect n00bcannon. As long as it stays that way, it will continue to irritate people.

Plus, I mean, the Natascha is the Heavy’s mistress. You don’t want to encourage infidelity, do you?

Unless you have been living under a rock for the past week or so, you will know that the Heavy has received significant buffs to spinup time and movement speed while revved. These have made several players very upset, and they are now adamant that the Heavy is overpowered and Team Fortress 2 is, for the 119th time, ruined forever.

The problem, in fact, is that what with everyone playing Heavies because they’re oh so fresh, people are neglecting their one true counter: the Civilian. The Civilian has always been something of an “evil opposite” to the Heavy, having a mere 1/6 of Heavy’s health, and no weapons, animations or even voice acting, compared to the Heavy’s high damage weapons, which are second only to Demomen, and his distinctive Russian outbursts. The Civilian, however, has one main advantage: speed. Even with the Heavy’s buff in speed while revved, he cannot keep up with the veritable speed demon that is the Civilian, in fact, only Scouts and Medics could hope to beat a Civilian in a foot race, and over long distances, even a Chargin’ Targe Demoman’s speed boosts will not be enough.

“But,” you may be saying in disbelief around about now “speed alone cannot defeat a Heavy! Especially not with the reduced spinup time!” Well, that’s where the element of surprise comes in. Civilians typically use the Scout model, and as any experienced Spy will tell you, Scouts have smaller profiles than any other class and thus are harder to spot. This, combined with the Civilian’s total lack of voice acting or distinctive sounds makes them the stealthiest class in the game, more so than the Spy because his cloak makes a rather easy to notice sound. Those Civilians who do not use the Scout’s model have it just as easy, though they need to employ different tactics: no-one expects that “Pyro” to actually be able to counter their Heavy. They expect him to charge and die horribly, whereas the truth is much more dangerous: he is a Civilian.

So, we’ve gone from what seems like a one-sided battle with the Heavy coming out on top every time to something a little more complex. The Heavy has more damage capability and more health, but the Civilian has the advantage in Speed and in Stealth. Ubercharges, perhaps, are the decider. As anyone who has been assaulted by an Uber Spycrab will tell you, part of the power of Ubercharges is their unexpectedness. Everyone hears the Medic shout “I am fully charged!” and starts to prepare for a Soldier, Demoman, Heavy or perhaps a Pyro to come rampaging in and brutally murder everyone. How many people expect an invincible Civilian? None. Speed, again, is paramount. You only get ten seconds to play with, and half that time will be spent getting there with the Heavy. Furthermore, even fewer classes are expected to be Kritz targets, generally it is reserved for Soldiers and Demomen, so it’s even more of a surprise when a Civilian, charged with amazing power enters the scene, dealing a whopping x3 damage with every single shot. Clearly then, in the realm of Ubercharges, the Civilian comes out on top.

Yet another advantage the Civilian has over the Heavy is that he will never run out of ammo, doubly so against a Heavy that has the Sandvich or Dalokoh’s Bar rather than the Shotgun. This makes an already strong class even stronger: hit the Heavy when he has run out of ammo and is retreating and restricted to melee range, and you can finish him off without there being a chance of retaliation. If he has a Medic buddy, don’t fret, just work on the Heavy once you’ve taken down the Medic and victory will be all the sweeter. Just make sure that during this attack that the Heavy doesn’t manage to refill his ammo, because although it’s easy to dodge a Heavy, while you’re busy dealing with his Medic, he might be able to hit you once or twice, dealing around 6 damage, which is just an inconvenience.

A mistake that many newbie Medics make when choosing who to pocket is going for classes like Heavy and Soldier, or occasionally Demoman, who are all slower than the Medic and just hold him up when he’s trying to reach the frontlines. Around halfway to the front, a Medic will begin to outrun a Heavy or Soldier, and he will no longer be able to charge uber on them on his way to battle, thus depriving his team of that ubercharge, which just five seconds earlier, could win them the game. Of course, the Civilian is still a little slower than the Medic, with 100% speed compared to the Medic’s 107%, but this difference is negligible unless you are playing a map with an incredibly long path from spawn to the frontlines: a well known design flaw in maps. Of course, this small difference in speed is not ideal, but the Civilian’s ability to defend a Medic against Heavies, where all other potential pockets fail is well worth it.

Then what should we make of all this? Is the Heavy buff too much? Perhaps it is. Can we still cope? Of course. We just need to stop neglecting that so often neglected class, the Civilian, and start to play counters to enemy team composition rather than play such obviously countered classes like the Spy, Sniper and Demoman. Memorise the above graphs, they will come in handy when you are told to “play something useful”. Perhaps you may want to set one as your spray.

To conclude:
Civilian is OP. Nerf Civilian.

Disclaimer: This was not meant to be the second renaissance of music or similar, only a fun alteration of the lyrics to suit the TF2 universe. The unrestrained rhythm of the music doesn’t help as well. So don’t start fuming out of your nostrils already.

Based on this specific version of the song.

“YOU”

“YOU!”

“YES YOU!”

“STAND STILL PYRO!”

When we changed servers and went to 2Fort
There were certain engineers who would
Camp the point any way they could

By pouring their derision
Upon anyone we killed
And exposing our location
However carefully hidden from the BLUs

“What have we here Pyro?
Console commands?
A cheat code?
Oh a guide no less
A strategy guide everybody!
The Pyro reckons himself a proper player”

“Heavy get back
I’m all right Medic
Keep your hands of my metal”

“Absolute rubbish Pyro
Change back to Engineer”

“Repeat after me”
“A level 3 dispenser is made from a total of five hundred metal, with one hundred metal as the build cost and subconsequent upgrade of two hundred metal…”

But in the fort, it was well known
When they got home at night, the thin and
Psychopathic announcer would thrash them
Within inches of their lives.

We don’t need no intel camping
We don’t need no sewer control
No cheap kills outside the spawnroom
Engies leave them Pyros alone!
Hey! Engies! Leave them Pyros alone!
All in all it’s just another camper in 2Fort.

“Wrong, Do it again!”

All in all you’re just another camper in 2Fort.

We don’t need no intel camping
We don’t need no sewer control
No cheap kills outside the spawnroom
Engies leave the Pyros alone

Hey! Engies! Leave us Pyros alone!
All in all you’re just another camper in 2Fort.
All in all you’re just another camper in 2Fort.

It has been a good two years since I put out the call on the internet for a piece of machinima to be made. I had thought of the idea a while ago back in 2008 and was going to try to make it for the Ubercharged community when I found out that making it myself would require something weird called “actual work and talent”, since I don’t have that I decided to post an article and see if anyone on the Ubercharged community could help get that machinima onto the intertubes. Alas, the machinima had the epicness of late 2009 and we were in 2008 at the time, so the machinima never saw the light of day…until now!

That’s right! Someone else must have seen the gleaming shard of epicness wedged in the depths of fraps and gmod. Someone who had actual time and talent! So without further adieu I present to you…

It was a bright, sunny afternoon on the Isle of Mann. Birds were birding, the pants were dead and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky. Two Gentle Menne peered out from their carriage, en route to Gregorius Von Mann’s Magnificent Mansion to congratulate him on his promotion to Baronneship.

“My my, this gentle manne has spared naught a coin from his copious coinpurse”, remarked the behatted man as the pair entered the grand hall.

And his companione spoke “Most certainly. See here this incremental woode-based contraptionne which mysteriously subverts the necessity of rockette jumping.”

And then appeared Gregorius Von Mann, brandishing a moustache so fine it bore the gentle manne’s spiritte maney times over.

“Greetings kind menne, and welcome to mine Magnificent Mansion!” spoke the Baronne in volatile rigour. “Make it beknownst to me what you wishe, and I shall arrange it.”

“Maney thanks for your welcoming and gentlemanlike locution”, spoke the first Gentle Manne. “Shall we indulge in pleasant bavarding over tea, prithee?”

“It is of no hindrance to me”, responded thos baronne, “that I call upon mine Servante to carry out your wish.”

Then appeared a small, unimposing servante clad in green, who dared not even look upon the majesty of the Gentle Menne.

“G’day sirs”, he spoke, bowing. “I’m an imported worker from Dublin. Me father’s name is Patrick O’Donnel.”

The Gentle Manne of Leisure pruned at this ungentlemanlike locution. “And what might your name be?”

The servante whimpered. “Donald O’Donnel. You see, I was an accident.” The Gentle Menne nodded in understanding disapproval.

“Well then, let our names be knowne to you”, then reciprocated the first Gentle Manne. “I am Lord Lionel of Newcastle, a veritable Gentle Manne of Leisure!”

“And I am his companione of slightly lesser statusse, Sir Sinclair of Leicestershire.”

Impressed by these menne and their lofty titles, the Servante lifted his cranium to counte the quantity of hattes present on each Gentle Manne’s head. Aghaste was he to finde not one, not two, but three identical hattes stacked upon Lord Lionel’s heade! Imbued with wistfull madnesse, he endeavoured to aske the gentle manne:

“Please, sir… May I have a hat?”

“Ah-hah!” sneared Lord Lionel. “You are as presumptuous as you are poor and Irish! Tarnish notte the majesty of my tower of hattes.”

“I have maney hattes also but did not bringe them”, liede Sir Sinclair, so as not to deeme himself outclassed in the wake of his companione (outclassed though he were).

And thusly continued Lord Lionel: “There exist notte a single agreeable motivation for asking a Gentle Manne of Leisure to share his pride with the poor and Irish. Earne your hats, through the ancient and virtuous labour that is Team Fortresse Two!”

“But I’m poor and Irish”, ripostated the Servante. “I can’t play Team Fortress 2 when I’m heavin’ ferry all day to feed me wife an’ children.”

“Then”, intervened Sir Sinclair, “you must idle. It is the Invisible Hande’s manner in which it rewardes patience.”

“Nay”, quickly responded the Servante. “I was told that idling is unfair and unconductive to society.”

“There is no shame in a Gentle Manne’s activity…or should I say, inactivity?” The Gentle Menne snickered in tandem.

And so the duo returned to their carriage, leaving the Servante in pensivity. There must be another way, he thought to himself. There has to be!

The following day, Lord Lionel and his insecure companione paid reverence to the Isle of Mann by comitting a stroll acrosse its bustling forum. “See here the marketplace”, spoke Sir Sinclair, and they gazed upon the vaste, smelly stands that is FPSbanana. And so they elected to progress onwards quickly, until they stumbled upon Theodore Casali, carrying in his embrace a peculiar type of puppy.

“Good day my friend”, greeted Sir Sinclair, despite this manne’s class being five below that of himself. “It is not with pleasure that I converse with lowly artisannes, but for the menne of mappes, I make an exception. Tell me, how goes it in the world of geometry-making?”

“There are maney mappes with flagge as of late”, reported succintly this artisanne of brushes.

“And how fares your companione, who was cursed with a car for a face?”

“He has engaged in comitting arsonne in forests”, he spoke in gloom.

Sullen in the wake of this most ghastly informationne, Sir Sinclair instead asked: “And what is this peculiar canine creature?”

“It is a Boojumme Snarke from Mongolia”, clarified the artisanne, “and it assists me in indexing and categorising the objectes in my my atelier! Were it nor for him, each control pointe would consume a fortnight.”

While Sir Sinclair continued inquiring as to the ongoings in level creationne, Lord Lionel elected to explore the realm of the unwashed by his lonesome.

Suddenly, a most unwelcome rock came crashing into his tower of hattes, knocking down all three at once. The Gentle Manne spun around, indignified, bent on retribution against the perpetrator for besmirching his noble tower of hattes…

Surprised was he, to find that it was the Poor and Irish Servante from the forgone day! Irate, the Gentle Manne yelled: “Your insolence shall be punished! …hold on…what is that on your crowne?”

True enough, the servante bore on his heade a hatte of comparative modesty, though stylish and covetable.
“This hat”, spoke the Servante, “I won in a contest.”

Lord Lionel remembered the war against Scotland. “Surely you did not win?!”

“No!”, interrupted the Servante. “I made something with MSpaint and got made a runner-up for it. It may not be pretty, but I put more effort in it that you did in your idling!”

“Ah-hah!”, sneered the Gentle Manne. “That is merely a gray-coloured Backbiter’s Billycock. Certainly an illegal modification which you purchased from FPSbanana!”

Confident, the servante rebuted: “Look it up, it’s in the papers. There’s also something else in there that might interest you, especially considering what you’ve just said…”

The Gentle Manne became nervous. Does he know? How could he know?

“What is transgressing here?”, inquired Sir Sinclair, having heard the racket.

“It is not my hat, but yours, that is a skin from fpsbanana!” And without mercy, he exposed to everyone on the forum the true nature of Lord Lionel’s pride…

“For you see”, the servante continued, “the true Tower of Hattes consists of a top hat, a boater and my own hat! Not this macabre mock-up. Why else did your three hats fall down in tandem? They are but a Ghastly Gibus, transfigured through the Dark Arte! You are as treacherous as the Spy himself!”

“Filthy swine!”, sneered in turn Sir Sinclair at the fallen Gentle Manne. “How dare you pose as a member of a class superior to my own. I worked hard for my stove pipe…which I pilfered from you!”

Lord Lionel fell down, in tears, powerless in the face of this evidence. And so he was stripped from his ranke, proven to be in fact Poor and Irish, to be left to work in the poorhouse, collecting and crafting weaponnes as was his occupation when he had just migrated from Ireland.