It was a bright, sunny afternoon on the Isle of Mann. Birds were birding, the pants were dead and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky. Two Gentle Menne peered out from their carriage, en route to Gregorius Von Mann’s Magnificent Mansion to congratulate him on his promotion to Baronneship.

“My my, this gentle manne has spared naught a coin from his copious coinpurse”, remarked the behatted man as the pair entered the grand hall.

And his companione spoke “Most certainly. See here this incremental woode-based contraptionne which mysteriously subverts the necessity of rockette jumping.”

And then appeared Gregorius Von Mann, brandishing a moustache so fine it bore the gentle manne’s spiritte maney times over.

“Greetings kind menne, and welcome to mine Magnificent Mansion!” spoke the Baronne in volatile rigour. “Make it beknownst to me what you wishe, and I shall arrange it.”

“Maney thanks for your welcoming and gentlemanlike locution”, spoke the first Gentle Manne. “Shall we indulge in pleasant bavarding over tea, prithee?”

“It is of no hindrance to me”, responded thos baronne, “that I call upon mine Servante to carry out your wish.”

Then appeared a small, unimposing servante clad in green, who dared not even look upon the majesty of the Gentle Menne.

“G’day sirs”, he spoke, bowing. “I’m an imported worker from Dublin. Me father’s name is Patrick O’Donnel.”

The Gentle Manne of Leisure pruned at this ungentlemanlike locution. “And what might your name be?”

The servante whimpered. “Donald O’Donnel. You see, I was an accident.” The Gentle Menne nodded in understanding disapproval.

“Well then, let our names be knowne to you”, then reciprocated the first Gentle Manne. “I am Lord Lionel of Newcastle, a veritable Gentle Manne of Leisure!”

“And I am his companione of slightly lesser statusse, Sir Sinclair of Leicestershire.”

Impressed by these menne and their lofty titles, the Servante lifted his cranium to counte the quantity of hattes present on each Gentle Manne’s head. Aghaste was he to finde not one, not two, but three identical hattes stacked upon Lord Lionel’s heade! Imbued with wistfull madnesse, he endeavoured to aske the gentle manne:

“Please, sir… May I have a hat?”

“Ah-hah!” sneared Lord Lionel. “You are as presumptuous as you are poor and Irish! Tarnish notte the majesty of my tower of hattes.”

“I have maney hattes also but did not bringe them”, liede Sir Sinclair, so as not to deeme himself outclassed in the wake of his companione (outclassed though he were).

And thusly continued Lord Lionel: “There exist notte a single agreeable motivation for asking a Gentle Manne of Leisure to share his pride with the poor and Irish. Earne your hats, through the ancient and virtuous labour that is Team Fortresse Two!”

“But I’m poor and Irish”, ripostated the Servante. “I can’t play Team Fortress 2 when I’m heavin’ ferry all day to feed me wife an’ children.”

“Then”, intervened Sir Sinclair, “you must idle. It is the Invisible Hande’s manner in which it rewardes patience.”

“Nay”, quickly responded the Servante. “I was told that idling is unfair and unconductive to society.”

“There is no shame in a Gentle Manne’s activity…or should I say, inactivity?” The Gentle Menne snickered in tandem.

And so the duo returned to their carriage, leaving the Servante in pensivity. There must be another way, he thought to himself. There has to be!

The following day, Lord Lionel and his insecure companione paid reverence to the Isle of Mann by comitting a stroll acrosse its bustling forum. “See here the marketplace”, spoke Sir Sinclair, and they gazed upon the vaste, smelly stands that is FPSbanana. And so they elected to progress onwards quickly, until they stumbled upon Theodore Casali, carrying in his embrace a peculiar type of puppy.

“Good day my friend”, greeted Sir Sinclair, despite this manne’s class being five below that of himself. “It is not with pleasure that I converse with lowly artisannes, but for the menne of mappes, I make an exception. Tell me, how goes it in the world of geometry-making?”

“There are maney mappes with flagge as of late”, reported succintly this artisanne of brushes.

“And how fares your companione, who was cursed with a car for a face?”

“He has engaged in comitting arsonne in forests”, he spoke in gloom.

Sullen in the wake of this most ghastly informationne, Sir Sinclair instead asked: “And what is this peculiar canine creature?”

“It is a Boojumme Snarke from Mongolia”, clarified the artisanne, “and it assists me in indexing and categorising the objectes in my my atelier! Were it nor for him, each control pointe would consume a fortnight.”

While Sir Sinclair continued inquiring as to the ongoings in level creationne, Lord Lionel elected to explore the realm of the unwashed by his lonesome.

Suddenly, a most unwelcome rock came crashing into his tower of hattes, knocking down all three at once. The Gentle Manne spun around, indignified, bent on retribution against the perpetrator for besmirching his noble tower of hattes…

Surprised was he, to find that it was the Poor and Irish Servante from the forgone day! Irate, the Gentle Manne yelled: “Your insolence shall be punished! …hold on…what is that on your crowne?”

True enough, the servante bore on his heade a hatte of comparative modesty, though stylish and covetable.
“This hat”, spoke the Servante, “I won in a contest.”

Lord Lionel remembered the war against Scotland. “Surely you did not win?!”

“No!”, interrupted the Servante. “I made something with MSpaint and got made a runner-up for it. It may not be pretty, but I put more effort in it that you did in your idling!”

“Ah-hah!”, sneered the Gentle Manne. “That is merely a gray-coloured Backbiter’s Billycock. Certainly an illegal modification which you purchased from FPSbanana!”

Confident, the servante rebuted: “Look it up, it’s in the papers. There’s also something else in there that might interest you, especially considering what you’ve just said…”

The Gentle Manne became nervous. Does he know? How could he know?

“What is transgressing here?”, inquired Sir Sinclair, having heard the racket.

“It is not my hat, but yours, that is a skin from fpsbanana!” And without mercy, he exposed to everyone on the forum the true nature of Lord Lionel’s pride…

“For you see”, the servante continued, “the true Tower of Hattes consists of a top hat, a boater and my own hat! Not this macabre mock-up. Why else did your three hats fall down in tandem? They are but a Ghastly Gibus, transfigured through the Dark Arte! You are as treacherous as the Spy himself!”

“Filthy swine!”, sneered in turn Sir Sinclair at the fallen Gentle Manne. “How dare you pose as a member of a class superior to my own. I worked hard for my stove pipe…which I pilfered from you!”

Lord Lionel fell down, in tears, powerless in the face of this evidence. And so he was stripped from his ranke, proven to be in fact Poor and Irish, to be left to work in the poorhouse, collecting and crafting weaponnes as was his occupation when he had just migrated from Ireland.

Probably the first thing you think of when you hear “The War Update” is a legion of flailing Highlanders touring around for your head. Many uprisings popped up with angry plebeians proclaiming that the Demoman should be demolishing things rather than cutting up his fellow man. The truth is that the Demoman was already just fine at demolishing, just like the Soldier was doing his job properly. More power for the demolishing demoman would’ve led to mass engineers on strike, and more ammo for the homely trap-setter would’ve been too boring. The solution was something entirely unheard of; turning the class into something entirely unrelated to its premise. Valve could’ve elected either the Soldier or the Demoman as the embodiment of this new tenth class, and I suspect they went with the Demoman because claymores.

However, just like with the Razorback, traditionally thinking (yes, thinking) demomen have been given a new toy to play with: the Scottish Resistance. Although the Resistance doesn’t contain catastrophic amounts of boring like the Razorback, it’s still not as potent as it could be. The main problem is that Resistin’ Demos just end up feeling less efficient than if they were using the regular Sticky Launcher and paying taxes like good citizens. That’s why I’m taking the time to describe, in detail, six things the Scottish Resistance is better at than the Winbomb Launcher.

Trap-Spotting

“Stop sitting around and do something!” – Berrito Mussolini

This is the capital (and most boring) purpose the Resistance has been advertised for. You put bombs around multiple doorways, pick a corner and wait. Wait until an unfortunate sod comes in, at which point you twitch in his direction and detonate all over him. More controlled twitchers (likely ex-CSS players) will rig a door on both sides, always keeping one set of stickies at hand in case a second poofter shows up. The big dilemma here is that you can’t place yourself too inclined with the doorway, or selective detonation becomes impossible (the crosshair isn’t adjusted to the cone of detonation); stand too much in front and your prey will see you before coming through. You could make use of this, though. Trick the enemy into taking an alternate route that has also been rigged, then feel bad as he denotes your trickery as ’spam’.

One thing I like to do to mess with people is to set up a trap, then throw a bunch of stickies at the enemy. Ever since the game’s initial release in 2007, players have been taught that one detonated sticky means a completely defenseless demoman. Sure, the Resistance stickies are visually distinct, but no sod is going to suspect you of planning ahead of time until it’s too late.

Another fun anecdote: on our UK-based server, Laharl concealed all fourteen stickies behind the intelligence in ctf_sawmill. I thought he was doin’ it wrong until I saw him blow up the medic+targelander combo that was running amok.

Carpet Weaving

“A fancy carpet for me to shit on.” – Diogenes

I believe this is where the true potential of the weapon lies. Dot a corridor with any number of stickies between eight and fourteen, and the enemy isn’t going to advance. Your entire creation won’t be ruined anymore by a single scout’s (no longer as spectacular) acrobatics, as you can choose to devote only part of your stickies to his combustion. After putting your carpet in place, you can proceed to spam the enemy team like you usually would. So you see, you’ll have not one, not two, but two and a half primary weapons. You’re like a bagpiper with three hands!

Just make sure you NEVER stand on your carpet. While it should sound awesome to fend off attackers from atop your own handiwork, Valve implemented a ‘buff’ to detonate stickies directly under you, supposedly for sticky jumping. Why do that when you have your own base to rig? To make matters worse, the detonation range is shorter than the distance one would use for horizontal jumping. Initially, the stickies’ whole prime time was ignored for point blank stickies. This led to:

Sticky-Punching

“A scout in your face is better than a spy in your back.” – Oscar Wilde

The non-existent prime time allowed you to detonate stickies before they were even properly fired, turning the Resistance into some manner of twisted, self-mutilating Scattergun. The Scouts, Pyros and Spies would either burst in tears due to nostalgia or think nothing is off because they’re used to being exploded by things they can’t see. It was a blast punishing those cocky ne’er-do-wells for their hubris, even if it had me blow up too in the process. Particularly devestating is an ubered ’sploder; the enemy would think nothing dangerous of a Demoman running idly into a bunch of enemies, allowing me to project eight point blank blasts into their face. It was like being a suicide bomber who can’t die. The kritzkrieg, however, is an entirely different story.

One other quirk of sticky-punching was sticky-punch-jumping. Aiming downward while jumping projected you perfectly forward (not useful on Orange X) with the power of three stickies and the damage of only two. Trying to aim your jumps apart from this method is More often than not, you’ll end up ramming yourself into the ground, dying from fall damage. So it really was nothing like this.

Alas, the prime time has been re-added in a recent patch, making sticky jumping with the Resistance even more clunky. Complete removal of the tweak will likely make the following tactic more viable:

Suicide Bombing

“I invade your country in the name of liberty!” – George W. Bush

Here’s what you do. Go to an enemy control point and get your stickies all over it.  As you’re capping, the enemy will likely send flimsy scouts and pyros your way, followed by seasoned but slower soldiers and heavies. Before, all you could do was try and dispatch the scout with scrumpy or blow up the both of you in the name of honour and scout-killing. With the Resistance, you can ensure his destruction while you continue towards capture. Especially effective on A/D maps; the stickies’ longer prime time won’t matter because by the time the enemy gets to you, their point will have been impurified. You can also try confounding attackers on the final point of cp_badlands (you know, when you jump up and get stuck somewhere in the silo).

Use this tactic and you’re almost certain to capture the final point. Well, if Valve changes the weapon. Until then, the Resistance is still most efficient at…

Spawncamping

“The classes must be evened out at regular intervals.” – Leon Trotski

Okay, you may not want to hear it and you probably already know, but on unmoderated servers, the Scottish Resistance can effectively lock down a team. The main drawback of spawncamping with the regular Sticky Launcher is that your entire collection of stickies is wasted with each smelly unfortunate killed. With the resistance, you can add layers of spam in front of the spawn door, or if that’s not subtle enough, try rigging all four sides of the door! You’ll have plenty of time to patch up after each detonation. Like with Trap-Spotting, many fools will think the coast is clear when the first of your victims blows up.

In case you don’t like 32-man instant respawn 2fort/cp_orange_william, you can try doing this at the BLU exits in Gravelpit. Not even UC2’s admins will slay you (I think).

Distinguished Destruction

(hain)

“A Targelander is to a Resistance user what a Hoplite is to a Belgian falling out of a tree.” – Gaius Julius Ceasar

Okay, I admit it. The Resistance feels like a nerfed sticky launcher. But because of that, it’s so much more immersing and fun! Plus, the kill icon is stylish, and says “I have just outwitted you in a way not typical of your preconceptions of a demoman!” Eventually I switched back to the Sticky Launcher because the point blank detonations were annoying me, and when I did, it made the Demoman seem such a boring class. Even though I could do this again, the gratification was lost. This happens when you try doing things the easy way, rather than the sexy way.

Remember when the weapon was first revealed? The CQC kit had stepped on many a demoman’s toes. Now a particularly awesome weapon was revealed, and already the Poor and Irish couldn’t bear with the thought of having to deal with fourteen stickies. When the update hit us, the Targelanders rose to power en masse and the Resistance was dismissed as awkward and disappointing just because it can’t be spammed with as easily. In my days of Resisting, I made many cretins call me a ’spammer’ regardless. I used to entrench myself in the enemy’s vents on ctf_turbine and blow up a team’s worth of players, much to the amusement of my vent-mates. For this alone do I find it worthwhile to use the Scottish Resistance.

So, I heard you guys like avatars. And judging by the success of Tesla’s and Tygrys’ two avatar collections, I presume it to be correct. So, I went and set out on a long a tedious task to find T&T Industries, break into it, and steal the latest avatar designs the two made. I was ready to do this, risk everything in order to get (more) fame and popularity, and as such, I made haste to finish this quest…

I failed. Miserably.

Finding T&T Industries wasn’t too hard, and with the Cloak Camp and Dagger, breaking in was the easy, though long and tiresome part. Getting out, now that was painful. You try stealing something and getting outside when there seems to be a fancy, hat wearing guard around every corner, all of which armed and loud, calling other guards to my position. It’s like playing Metal Gear Solid without hiding or shooting any guards. Oh, and then you have the ones with the Rocket Launchers. Urgh. In the end, I decided to value my life more than their ideas, dropped all the briefcases I had and used the Coward and Dagger to make my slow way out of the place. I still have nightmares of the place though…

So, here I was, no ideas stolen, and moving so slow I might as well be a snail, and to top it all off, everyone around me was wearing a hat. And that is when I had this wonderful idea: avatars for the hatless. And I’m not talking about hatless hats because, despite what I said before, the Hatless Engie reminds me of Cortez from Timesplitters, which is always a plus in my books. So, I gathered a couple of hatless people and told them that they sucked because they had no hats, and took a picture of their reaction. Some burst into tears, some burst into angry. One chap almost sent me to the great Capture Point in the sky. A couple of them complained that their Halo/Gibus/Halloween Mask was a hat, and I just shook my head and took the picture. Those with Bill’s Hat, however, simply kicked me “down under”, so I decided to avoid them until I saw them in Left 4 Dead 2, where I would proceed to shoot their groin. That would show them…

Anyway,  with no further delay, the No-Hat-Blues Avatar Pack. It’s not stealing, it’s copying the style of something else, which I have totally gotten away with before. Go enjoy it.

Hey you? Yes you, the fella’ with the classy picture on your Steam/Forum/Other Account. What are you doing? Trying to hide your hatless shame behind a little picture? What is your problem? Are you, like, Sir Super Coward the Third of Cowardland? Be a real man and trap your sadness in these handy avatars of sad, hatless people, just like you!

Made by a hatless person, for hatless people, using the pain and torment of other hatless people, Mr. Shadow captures the grief of the news that these chaps officially suck in a beautiful and classic photographs which I would hang on my wall, had it not been for the fact my walls were already covered with his other masterpieces. The best thing is that there are two versions of these soon-to-be-so-iconic-you’ll-grandchildren-will-know-about-them pictures; one zoomed out, and one zoomed in, so you can decide between seeing the poor saps’ body language or facial expressions. How would you not want one of these to represent you?

And even if you do have hats, you can still have one of these pictures to remind yourself and take joy in the fact that, somewhere, there is someone crying over the fact they have nothing on their heads. So what are you waiting for, a bus? Just right click these amazing snapshots and select “Save Image As…”, and save them somewhere and under a name you can remember so next time you want to stun your foes with something their spend ages looking and remember for the rest of their lives, don’t go for the porn spray, just change your avatar to one of these and by the time they are done looking, you would have already left after winning so many rounds. Something Mr. Shadow wished he had a couple of days ago when he was trying to stealing from T&- err, I mean, he was stealing a capture point from the enemy. Yeah…

Signed: The Post Script Company Manager of Doing Stuff Mr. Shadow is too busy to do

Septa Viscous

It is with considerable trepidation that I publish the following announcement, issued by the Administrator for the attention of all readers of Ubercharged.net.

For the immediate attention of all employees

Underlings,

You will recall when, eight months ago and against my better instinct, I relaxed the dress code for company employees. More specifically, I removed the ban on non-practical headgear (a rule that certain employees never took with the deadly sincerity it was meant). This was an act of incredible generosity on my part, and I am sure I need not strain my typewriting muscles with the unnecessary addendum that such acts are not in my nature. Bearing this in mind, it is with the utmost disappointment that I must inform you that a number of employees are already abusing their privileges. Privileges that I may revoke at any time.

As your Administrator, I remind you that I am always watching, and it has consequently come to my attention that many of you have begun to wear headwear that can only be described as inappropriate. There appears to be a mistaken assumption in the workplace that hats bestow a certain authority to the wearer, and any such garment, regardless of how idiotic it appears to all sane personnel, is inherently dignified. Let me tell you in no uncertain terms that this assumption is categorically false. I therefore remind you that none of you has any dignity or authority whatsoever and the only reverence you should be showing is to be directed at me, your employer. An employer that needs no absurd headwear to convey their absolute disdain and anger at those of you who continue to busy themselves with ridiculous accessories.

My assistant reliably informs me that the “Hallowe’en Event” of last year was “fun” and “team-building”, terms which do not feature in my vocabulary, although I was assured they were constructive. As part of this event, our supplier issued many of you with antique opera hats, which, although utterly tasteless and dreadful in every way, were apparently “festive”. At the behest of my advisers, who have subsequently found themselves sealed in disused mine shafts, I allowed you to wear them. To my considerable bafflement, an alarming number of you continue to wear these ghastly accoutrements three months down the line. Although my own observations have not noticed a lack of productivity as a direct result of this, be advised that I am hereby cutting leisure time allowances, effective immediately, just to make sure.

In addition, reports from company medical and psychiatric staff have informed me that there is a sickening tide of what they risibly term “hatmania” among the workforce. An increasing number of individuals are concerning themselves with their headgear to an unhealthy extent. As you are, without exception, third-rate pond scum, I do not trouble myself with your many trivial obsessions. Until, that is, they preclude the efficient completion of the jobs you are being paid to complete. I hereby insist that you cease this foolish blathering about hats and helmets and get back to work before I am forced to “motivate” you. I have received reports of employees (now detained for their own protection) crudely fixing makeshift structures of scrap metal to their foreheads and earnestly telling their bemused comrades that it is a fedora. You will not be so fortunate.

Internal Communications have received countless complaints from some of you that my uncharacteristic charity in repealing the ban, and making the headgear catalogue of our esteemed partners at Mann Co. available to you was somehow not enough. “No,” they bawl like disgusting infants. “You have not given me a hat of my own!”

I consider it my duty as Administrator to respond to such grievances personally, and rest assured all those who complained have been transported to the nearest gravel pit and their heads furnished with small metal accessories by my personal security detail.

As for the rest of you, I end this note by reminding you that you are bloodthirsty mercenaries who are only saved from a life of asylums, prison camps and early death by your employers, who expect you to perform your jobs with complete dedication, and have absolutely no requirements to maintain your basic human rights.

Now, get out of my sight

- The Administrator

PS- All employees are reminded that Mann Co Camera Beard technology is to be used only for work-related espionage and not for the impersonation of historical figures. Henceforth anyone in breach of this will be subject to strict disciplinary action.

You have been warned.

Thanks to Tygrys for another brilliant image of horrible, yet entirely deserved, slaughter.

Well, we haven’t had one of these in a long time, have we? Since most of you who commented seem to have thought that my last article was serious and 100% true, I have to resort to some good old “copy style and paste” humour.  To the tune of “Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked” by Cage The Elephant…

I was walking to the point,
When out the corner of my eye,
I saw a fickle little thing approaching me.
He said “I’ve never seen a man,
So in need of a Medic,
Could you use a little company?”

Then scurrying like some mice,
The Scout called for the Medic thrice,
So the Medic healed him and sent him on his way.
I said “You’re such a nice honest guy,
Why you do this to yourself?”
He looked at me and this is what he said:

“Oh, there ain’t no rest for the Medic,
Ubers don’t grow on trees.
I got Heavies to save,
I got Soldiers to heal,
There ain’t any medkits left in this world for me.
And no I can’t slow down,
I can’t change class,
Though you know, I wish I could.
No there ain’t no rest for the Medic,
Until we disconnect for good”.

Not even fifteen minutes later,
I’m still walking to the point,
When I heard a beep of a gun hidden out of sight.
And then someone sweeps up from behind,
And puts a shotgun up to my head,
He made it clear he wasn’t looking for a fight.

He said “Get away from my buildings,
I want your promise not your life,
But if you try to attack them I won’t think twice.”
I told him “You can have my word,
But first you know I got to ask,
What made you want to live this kind of life?”

He said “There ain’t no rest for the Engie,
Sentries don’t grow on trees.
I got dispensers to make,
I got teles to build,
There ain’t any ammo kits left in this world for me.
And no I can’t slow down,
I can’t change class,
Though you know, I wish I could.
Oh no, there ain’t no rest for the Engie,
Until we disconnect for good”.

Now a couple rounds have passed,
And I was sitting at my spawn,
The game was winding down and coming to an end.
So I turned on the scoreboard,
And scanned over the points,
And what I saw I almost couldn’t comprehend.

I saw a sniping man just been banned he’d use hax for the last round,
He stuffed his point amount with unrighteous guaranteed kills.
But even still I can’t say much,
Because I know we’re all the same,
Oh yes we all seek out to get many kills.

You know there ain’t no rest for the Fortress,
Teamwork don’t grow on trees.
We got intel to cap,
We got carts to push,
There ain’t any weapons left in this world for free.
And no, we can’t slow down,
We can’t change class,
Though you know, we wish we could.
No there ain’t no rest for the Fortress,
Until we disconnect for good…

Congratulations go out to Team Soldier, for their recent victory over Team Demoman. Our games have now updated and both classes been issued with a surplus of shiny new toys just in time for Christmas.

No sooner than after we’d been having fun with our new toys, another war began. I am of course referring to the war on the Steam Forums; wherein debate over why each and every new unlockable is overpowered/underpowered continues even now, soaked in bilious vulgarity and contempt.

Let’s get down to the crunch of the matter; I’m not here to discuss the new unlocks, or complain about why they’re not fair. I’m here to talk to you about the class that benefits the most from this update (at least as far as decently sized public servers are concerned); the Scout, and more precisely to tell you WHY, and HOW my fellow scouts can easily turn this update in their favour, by discussing the two updated classes and their unlocks. And I’m going to do it with a level of arrogance and cock-certainty that only a scout player could truly understand. Don’t listen to that Paper fellow, winning all the time is a great thing.

It’s here that the typical soldier, should he somehow have managed to survive this long, would reach for his shotgun and attempt to fend you off with that. No dice, he’s traded that in for a pair of ‘magic’ boots, or maybe even a musical instrument. Laugh some more as he slowly attempts to reload his new gun, and then maybe consider putting him out of his misery.

In this near death state, he might now resort to bringing out the last, gleaming piece of hope that he has in his backpack; the Equaliser. And moves at you with a speed that would almost rival your own. Perhaps he expects you to draw your own melee weapon, and fight him with some ‘honour’. Or maybe he just intends to dig his own grave with the damn thing. Either way, don’t wait around to find out, shoot him dead now. And remember, if you see a soldier sprinting towards you with his Equaliser drawn, it means his health is low enough that you can one-shot him. He’s practically asking for it.

The Drunken Duelists – Demomen

Demomen were never really much of a threat anyway. Their explosive spam has always been much easier to avoid than the Soldier’s, and he’s always had much more of it to avoid than the tin hatted meathead. Well now, perhaps as part of some drunken bet, he’s traded most of his stockpile away for some close combat gear. Close combat is of course, your forte, so why not show him how it’s done.

Shields are an antiquated weapon, and have no place on the modern battlefield; the Chargin’ Targe is no different. Back in the day, bold Scotsmen would charge headlong against their enemy’s line of explosive & incendiary firearms, using their shields to protect them from incoming fire. A technique that is completely ineffective against modern tactics, such as moving out of the way as he runs at you and shooting holes through the shield with a real man’s gun. Or, if you don’t have a real man’s gun, the Force-A-Nature; not only will it knock him back and cause him to fall short, but it’ll line him up nicely for a second, killing shot.

And that is how you sum up that; Scouts enjoy your new update. Don’t rage at me too hard when the occasional competent player figures out how to use those weapons properly either; that’s not my fault – they’re probably just hacking. Oh and have a Merry Christmas now the war is over.

Once again, thanks go to Tygrys for the Gmod images. You can find the full wallpaper sized pics here.

Hello, Scout Players.

I, Paper Shadow, being of sound mind, would like to tell you something.
You are all:

Quick.
Little.
Virgin.
Bastards.

Come on, you may have your mouth wide open, fingers ready to type “You’re lying!” or “You’re an idiot!”, but deep down, you know it to be true. Think about it, with these simple questions:

Which Class is the fastest?
Which Class was the youngest of eight brothers?
Which Class has a Mother that is sleeping with the Spy?
Which Class is a bastard?

If you said “Scout” for all of the questions, then you see why he is what he is.
If not, then whack yourself in the face. Several times. Until you see the errors of your ways.

Of course, you may still continue to argue that the Scout is not what I say he is. I understand that. Except, I’m lying. I don’t understand that. How could you ignore my logical points of logic? No matter, I have more points that you can do nothing but agree with. Because I said so…

First, he is too fast!

There is no denying it. The Scout is fast. Too fast. Waaaaaaaaaaaay too fast. In fact, I would go as far to say he is so fast, he teleports around. No, that’s not because I have a low FPS, and I play on servers on the other side of the world, it’s because the Scout is far too fast for such a fast-paced game like Team Fortress 2. His speed breaks it completely.

Take, for example, a round on Badlands I had a week ago. I was playing as a Spy, and I was trying to catch up to a Scout. I was running, and running, and running, but I never caught up with him. He just zoomed ahead of my normal speed class. I removed the mask from my face, put my Gibus back on, and proceeded to yell profanities into the air. A Pyro, and one that hated people who wore hats out of place or out of season, spotted me from behind, disguise-less, DR-less, and too occupied with my excessive swearing to notice any enemies, and rushed towards me, Backburner ready. Needless to say, I was more burnt than a Sunday Dinner cooked by a drunk Demoman…

All because the Scout is far too fast.

So what would I do to fix this, if I worked at Valve? Well, there is two ways to fix this, without having to remove the Scout (although that works too). First, make the Scout slower. Slower than a Spy, but faster than a Demoman. If anyone asks, say that this is because the Scout recently got hooked on Pizza. Although his character model doesn’t look different, the Scout became fatter and slower than usual. The other solution is to give every class a buggy to drive around, so they can travel really fast, and since everyone is going fast, than no one will be. It would also make CTF maps a lot more fun for those who dislike them…

Second, they are not Soldiers OR Demomen!

You’ve heard it here first folks. Killing Scouts did not help Soldiers or Demomen unlock the secret item during war. A crime I say! But once again, you feel that you must intervene. “But wait, oh crazy one,” you say. “Can’t you say that about any class other than the Soldier and the Demoman?” I could, but there is one major reason why I have chosen Scout. He has the destructive force of the Soldier and the Demoman COMBINED!

Look at this from a competitive point of view. Here is some random guide on Competitive TF2 for those who aren’t too sure about it. Anyway, the average 6v6 team is made up of two Scouts, two Soldiers, a Demoman, and a Medic. A competitive team has had many years to learn the best combination of classes. There is only one Demoman and Medic because they are too weak, and you need power. A second Medic, although you’ll have a higher chance for ubercharges, and possibly two ubercharges at once, would cost one of you power people, and wouldn’t be worth it. The Demoman may have lots of stickies at his disposal, but they take time to use. Speed equals power, my friends (refer to point one of this article)…

So, you have two Scouts and two Soldiers. Surely, the big muscular warmongers with 200 health and rocket launchers are stronger than the itsy-bitsy baseball player with 125hp. But no, it is the Scouts which are stronger. One of the Soldiers can be almost always found being healed by the team’s Medic. That’s right, one of the Soldiers has to be overhealed all the time. Meanwhile, both of the Scouts, who each have less than half the health of the overhealed Soldier, are running around free to cause as much havoc as they want. And being such jackasses, they will do as much as possible!

So, take note people. The only way we can counter such power is by taking the term Fragile Speedster to the extremes. I’m talking about 35 health, and his weapons deal 50% less damage. I’m sure you’ll find that these numbers make perfect sense, and allow the Scout protection from fall damage or stray shots, and makes sure he doesn’t die immediately when he has the Sandman. Oh, and just in case you feel that 35hp makes the Scout underpowered (which, for your information, is impossible), then here’s a little treat for you: having BONK! increases your max health by 15hp. Isn’t that super awesome?

Finally, the Scout can fly!

I’m not pulling your leg here. I haven’t lied once during this article, and as we draw closer to the close, I plan on continuing my truthful and reliable ramblings until you realise how overpowered the Scouts are. And if the previous two good points did not sway your opinion, then this one will really blow you away! It’s about one minute in…

You seeing this? No other class is gonna do that! Thanks to EvilDaedalus for the filming of such devilry (along with some other, not as important stuff) so we can see the witchcraft of a Scout.  Give this man a donation and a community weapon!

Only the Scout could do that. Other classes can go airborne, yeah, but none of them have the amount of control and airtime the Scout has. He just kept going up and down, up and down. No effort needed, all you had to do was aim those stunballs and watch them fly. Gentlemen, this is a problem for all of us. Man, Woman, or Child, if there is a Scout flying by, there is no escape…

So what do we do to fix this? Sadly, this is one of those things that can not be fixed. We can either remove this, or the Scout. And, personally, I feel that removing the Scout is for the best. Give his weapons to other classes. I’m sure the Demo would like a drink that can be him dodge everything for a small while, and the Sniper could think of a few things a baseball that stuns could do, such as prevent a Engineer with two pistols from getting too close. ‘Tis for the best. Trust me.

So, Scout Players, I hope you realise how much your hero sucks. I know it is hard to understand or believe, but this is hard facts. I mean, there are eight equally enjoyable and funny classes. Don’t be addicted to the Boston Batter. Put some variety in your diet. For the Scout is too strong, and if you are too strong, then where is the fun in constantly wiping out waves of opponents, laughing manically as the number of dominations you have rise, and never fall, and watch the land transform, as if the devil himself declared war on your enemies, from the clean fields into a world covered in red blood, with just one clean spot, signifying that there is a hope that a hacker will join and end your rampage, but both you and your foes know that will never happen. And then have it all end when the round does, leaving you sad inside, partly because it is over, but mainly because you do that every single round…

Yep, there’s no fun in winning all the time…

Yesterday, 8:30 am. We were already done with out group drills and were onto individual exercises. There I was, trying to maintain a decent sentry, under suppressive fire. But that was not the goal of the exercise.

You see, each of us has to be trained to react, to certain situations, in the blink of an eye. All this sustained fire was for distracting me from the focus, the climax of the exercise: the sentry exit.

A time comes in a sentries life when little balls with sticky spiky ends begin accumulating under its steel legs. One sticky, two sticky – you are too late!  A good engineer does not count stickies but abandons ship and jumps away as soon as possible. That was what I was being conditioned with.

Others get their own exercises. For example that ape, Heavy, has to keep moving and dodging without thinking. Oh wait, he does not think usually. So his exercises makes him think AND dodge.

He has to play chess, against a chess robot *ahem* I designed. Out in the open with several snipers trying to put an arrow into his big but mushy head. Oh and he has to carry a drunk Demoman, who has to be taken to the bathroom every so often – or he will relieve himself atop Heavy, who has to beat the chess robot and keep that alcohol drenched (did I mention also flammable?) Scot alive. You will notice the automated chess player is made up of body parts belonging to a former employee of ours. A former employee who was “check mated”.

Then, Pyro, that freak has it easy. She’s told that one of our spawn rooms is infested with butterflies and she has to stay in there until she torches them all. In reality there are no butterflies, her goggles are so dirty that anywhere she looks she sees little random dots around her. She goes on for hours before her gas and her battery dies out. The Administrator thought of this unique exercise to wear her out, or else that hyperactive wacko won’t let anyone sleep during the mandatory afternoon recess (once she mumbled the first two seconds of TF2 theme over and over for two hours!). Of course our beloved and resourceful Administrator would not let go of all that gas and physical enthusiasm.

The “Butterfly Room”, shortly after its inception, became a conditioning training ground for Spy. He has to stay cloaked, and, do I really need to say, unlit, until “all the butterflies are cleared” (in Pyro’s head, they may be, quite literally). Of course that would be too easy. He also has to listen to and memorize the “Shakespeariclesean Play of the Day” on the radio (his watch can pick up AM radio stations, I swear, it’s true!). Then he has to re-enact flawlessly the whole play for us and the Administrator, in the cafeteria before lunch is served. One slip of the tongue, he gets a lashing, and his meal is given to Heavy (who still eats the plates and the silverware out of hunger anyway).

Ah yes, what was I saying? Oh yes, the sentry exit yesterday. I was fixing my sentry. My senses were keen, my eyes sharp. There came the first sticky. My cue to dash out. But I could not get out in time.

See, ever since last Saturday’s Cafeteria update (which is an internal update, you would not  know), the quality of food drastically increased, with fewer poisonings and reduced occurrence of bloody diarrhoea. I have been told that my figure was getting a bit rounder and softer. So there I was, short of breath, trying to get my chubby buttocks over the dispenser. I got fat! Ah, big time fail.

I am a practical man. Not a muscle man. I am not going to the gym (it smells anyway). I shall have my food, AND my exit. I have been thinking since yesterday and I thought I would share my solution with you.

First I wanted to design a spring board that would eject me up, and away. But obviously flying and falling on a full tummy is neither fun nor a pleasant sight. Then I came up with a fun idea; my own little air compressor gun!

It kind of works like Pyro’s airblast, but more precise. Imagine a thin stream of compressed air. No? Then imagine relieving your bowels through a thin, long pipe. Fun, right?

From early field trials, I can happily say that it can push stickies far far away, and reflect rockets and arrows alike. It is a bit too precise to push back people or put out flames, but that was not the point anyway. Oh and I added a kicker – an air horn! When my tank is full of compressed air I can let it out through the horn and WHHAAAA? Everyone around me is startled. Some jump up, turn around in sudden excitement, or twitch and fire their weapons. I have seen heavies revving up their guns nervously, demos blowing up their stickies prematurely, and spies uncloaking accidentally.

I am not sure if the Administrator is going let me keep it. If worst comes to worst I will be assigned “Officer for Bathroom Hygiene” for a month. Not as bad as “Manager of TP Recycling”, the title Scout held for 11 months, for “portraying the Administrator in negative light via spoken language”.

Alas, there is a price to pay for every single thing that is fun.

And such is life.

In a quantity that has not been seen since the appearance of Cuddle Pyro, we now bring to you the cutest personification of a Team Fortress 2 Character into real life. Those are the results when you combine Halloween and gaming parents.

Please be warned, watching this is not recommended if you are somewhere where people will look at you strangely due to a “DAWWWWW” reaction.

You can check out more photos by following the link, even of the 1 year old heavy:

[from Crafster via Kotaku]

Oh, and because it is pretty much obligatory here in Ubercharged.net:

“ENTIRE TEAM IS BABIES!”-Heavy Weapons Guy

Well guys,this is is, the final part of Thirty Six of Rules, I hope you’ve all enjoyed it, thanks for reading and supporting my guide, see you when my next one is released, I’ll be adapting my defense guide for Ubercharged, in different sections, of course, since it’s 60 pages long o.0.

Until next time, this is EchelonThree, thanks for reading!

31. Backpedal if he’s attacking you, but turn and run forward if he’s out of range

It’s a little known fact that you’re slower when backpedalling. So what does this mean?

It means that if a pyro is rushing you and you turn around and fire, he’ll catch you eventually (if you’re not a scout, medics will get caught). However, if you turn and run, that means that he’ll never catch up to you. A good pyro will pull out the shotgun and pray that he gets you.

If he’s already within range, you won’t escape him, so you might as well fight him.

If he’s out of range, you (as a faster class) are likely to be ill equipped to engage a pyro anyway, since that means you’re either an engineer (shotgun vs. flamethrower), sniper (SMG vs. flamethrower), Medic (you’re better off running anyway, don’t fight if you don’t have to!), or spy (you kidding?).

If you’re slower than a pyro and he’s closing into range, then you should fight him (and you’ll probably beat him), since you won’t get away anyway, and fighting is your only real chance.

But be creative – if you think you can get away with a rocket jump, by all means go for it.

Thanks to TF2F Nullname who points out that it’s faster to backpedal while strafing (i.e. hold down back while strafing) than it is to simply backpedal.

32. Don’t charge a heavy. Ever.

“THIS IS SASHAAAAAAAAA!” – Leonidas Trotsky

You’re a pyro and you see a heavy, gun fully revved, down the corridor. Would you charge him?

A few seconds of thinking will tell you the answer is no, but if this is so, then why do so many pyros wind up going w+m1 at heavies?

Maybe it’s because a flamethrower is a close range weapon? So is the minigun.

Let’s ask this question: if you were a demoman, would you rush a heavy with your grenades?

Once again, no, so if health isn’t the reason (demo and pyro have the same health), then it must be the weapon.

So, why does a flamethrower seem to give someone the feeling that accords him the invincibility of extreme capability of being and having superhuman strength, endurance, and leetawsomeness make benefit glorious pyro to charge a heavy?

I don’t know, but I do know this: Don’t charge a competent heavy, you WILL lose. Your odds are much better if his gun isn’t spinning when you engage him, but still, you’re best off not attacking him head on.

I’ve received a torrent of hate mail regarding this point…. yes I know a soldier can beat a heavy at close range, but he wins by using cover, not by charging the mobile meat shredder.

33. The game is TEAM fortress.

ATTENTION: Halo players, you are NOT the Master Chief, and this is NOT a super soldier game

The enemies are NOT grunts; don’t go charging in yourself unless you’re sure of what you’re doing. This is a team game; no one class is equipped to handle every situation (except the *insert profanity here* overpowered demo).

Unless you’re trying to eliminate a key target like a sentry or a medic, you shouldn’t be charging in without support.

Until then, I’ll be in my bunker, hiding from the flood of hate mail I’ll likely receive.
WARNING: Serious Zone! – Aggression

Aggression is how aggressive you are in battle. (doh!)

Well, that means how much you push out against the opponent. How can you define aggression? Simple.

Usually, in a fight, both sides want to avoid opposing fire by one of two methods – evasion or cover. Evasion involves moving to throw off the guns of the opposing force. Cover is… well… cover – put something behind yourself and the bullet and you’re safe from direct damage. In a fight, cover is generally preferred over evasion.

In any single engagement, the “aggressive” or attacking side is generally the one who is evading, and the defender is seeking cover. It’s an age-old matchup between mobile warfare and a static position.

More importantly, being aggressive means that you enjoy the advantage of the “initiative”. This means that you can determine the pace of the battle by pressing or retreating, you can take your time to reload as you can dodge, and you have the first shot. (There are some people who work well on defense, like myself – I HATE attacking)

Now, being aggressive means that you’re taking a risk, as you will have to leave a safe covered position, maintain pressure on the defender (to prevent him from taking the advantage), and keep yourself safe.

Foolish aggression involves the ancient fighting technique that can best be described as “Frothing mouth, flailing arm” – charging the enemy recklessly with guns blazing.

There is a thin line between that and controlled aggression. Unlike the foolish attacker, the controlled attacker always has a backup plan to fall back and resupply.

End Serious Zone.

34. Fool your enemy

The M1 Garand rifle (not in TF2, what a pity) made a distinctive “ping” sound when an (automatically) ejected rifle clip hit the ground. At that point, everybody and his brother knew you were out of ammunition and had to reload, including an enemy who would be waiting to shoot you when your clip was empty. As such, many marines were killed because of their ping…. (okay that was a REALLY bad joke)

If your enemy is engaging you in direct combat, calling for a doc will signal that you’re “injured” to everyone, including your enemy.

What do the two have in common? Simple: they are both excellent opportunities to turn the fight against your enemy.

In the case of the M1, marines in Vietnam would throw an empty rifle clip on the ground, wait for the enemy to pop his head up, and pop a cap into him. Likewise, by calling out for a medic, you have given him an opening to come at you (while he thinks you are “injured”) and finish you off.

Unnecessarily calling for a medic may cause him to be overaggressive and greedy, and you can use this time to plan the perfect ambush. Oh, and of course, it may help you save your medic.

Of course, tell your medic first that you’re not calling for him via teamchat or the voicecom.

See also point 18. – Don’t count on enemy stupidity

35. Know when to hold ‘em, Know when to fold ‘em

“You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em. Know when to walk away, and know when to run.” – Kenny Rogers

You’re an engi, and an uber heavy has just emptied a belt or two of ammo into your gun at close range, what do you do?

Most people will keep on whacking the gun in a losing battle. A smart engi will take the time to escape and set up a gun somewhere else.  As you can see here, our other engineers are falling back, leaving the level 2 sentry to distract the ubered demoman. (my gun has just been finished off by a sniper).

In this other picture below, we see another part of the game, our guns have been destroyed but we’ve managed to bleed a significant portion of their time away, they’re down to one minute now.

We won the game without them taking a single point

The same principle can be applied to you as a soldier caught in the open against a heavy at close range, you have to choose between fighting him (and praying that someone gives you an assist or that you get an assist after you die), rocketjumping away and falling back (you’ll take some damage but live to fight again). In this case, running away on foot is not an option, the minigun will cut you into shreds.

Learn to identify times where the best thing to do is simply cut your losses and fall back.

36. Never take anything for granted until that timer hits 0

“You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table. There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.” – Kenny Rogers

Gravelpit point C, 10 seconds left. Red players decide that they’ll win for sure and charge forward to get the kills during the humiliation round; in that time, a blu spy gets onto the point and captures it.

You should stand on the point until the end (watch for overtime!) and make sure that when you’ve won the game, you really have won the game. Even in the last five seconds, we keep a heavy and soldier on the point to prevent any last-second charges.

End

So that’s thirty-six simple rules which should greatly improve your overall combat effectiveness, no frills, just good strategy.

In traditional style, I’ve not gone into aiming techniques, how to do a rocketjump, or any other technicalities of the sort, it’s my belief that any player can become a strong player if they play smart instead of playing hard, that’s what this guide is about.

I really hope you’ve all found it useful, and that you’ve enjoyed reading this guide as much as I have writing it.

So, see you on the servers!

Author Information & License Protection

EchelonThree/Cryo/Rocket Man

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Control Point, Gamereplays.org, Edgegamers.org, TeamFortress2Fort.com, Ubercharged.net

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