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In a lot of ways, Team Fortress – as well as every class-based shooter – is a lot like a Jazz concert. You have a limited amount of players, they are all largely different and every one of them gets a chance to shine. This in contrast to the classic Symphony Orchestra Beat-Em-Up, featuring lots of violins for gratification.

Upon closer examination, all of the TF2 classes can be compared to a specific instrument, especially so in competitive play. You might want to turn off any music you’re playing, as the following list contains a boatload of Youtube links.

- Medic -

The Drummer

The drummer is the backbone of any ensemble. He decides the rhythm, and if he makes a fatal move, the entire team collapses. A drum set takes some time to set up, and if you’re a mobile pubber, you could always replace him with a guitar player, but having a drummer increases your efficiency tenfold. The problem is that many novice drummers get a little in over their head and start going solo. Of course, experienced drummers know when this is called for and make it play out well if they have to.

The greatest characteristic the Drummer and the Medic have in common, however, is their one sidedness. A Drummer doesn’t have access to octaves and can’t be reprimanded for not following the tune, only the rhythm. A drummer once told me that was the reason she wanted to be one, and that’s also the reason I play Medic. After all, a Medic heals people regardless of distance, damage falloff, airshots and all that. He acts in a completely different spectrum from the rest of his team, and because of that, you can give any Drummer a sheet and tell him what to do while good ones are yet capable of taking initiatives and quick decisions themselves as to pull their team forward instead of being just necessary.

- Soldier -

The Trumpet

The Trumpet is the tried and true instrument throughout history. Trumpets have announced the advent of kings, honoured valued anthems and intimidated the French populace.The intricate way of producing sound from the trumpet is a hamper at first, as is learning to shoot in front of people and at their feet. But in the end, the Trumpet is the most balanced instrument, capable of carrying the melody with some adjustments or supporting the other players at key moments. Some people, however, aren’t very fond of its shrill, annoying sound.

All in all, the Trumpet has the most frag videos and is quite accessible due to its simple layout. Even more so if it’s a trombone. And with the addition of the Buff Banner, I can say that I totally called it. What other instrument carries the team without leaving the spotlight?

(also, place a mat or something for performers to stand on or they’ll get dribble all over your stage.)

- Scout -

The Saxophone

At first, I was going to attribute the Saxophone to the Soldier and the Trumpet to the Scout. Probably because, being a career medic, I hate their guts and I feel delighted each time I see one of them killed (no offense to trumpet players). But that which makes the Scout actually unique is not his speed or role, it’s that he’s the only player left on the field whose main job is to shoot bullets at people (with the exception of the Heavy). And yet such a simple concept has an incredibly deep learning curve. The Saxophone is most like a flute compared to its brass buddies, including the way one blows into it. It’s also a great choice for completing the main objective (i.e. playing the melody and killing the enemy medic) and is preferred for its flexibility (move speed) and beautiful sound (damage output). It’s no wonder so many people have taken to it, leading to about three per server.

A drawback is that the Sax becomes less effective as more people play. Its sound is nice, but not as far-reaching as that of a trumpet. Just like a saxophone, a Scout needs space to maneuver in. They’re also a lot like violin players.

- Demoman -

The Keyboard

Ah, the keyboard. Capable of mimicking instruments through indirect, digital means, the Keyboard is a very versatile instrument/machine, and no more than one is ever used. Many people think playing it takes no skill because it has all the keys laid down conveniently and, as a result, devalues the performance of “real classes”, but it’s the only choice a Demoman has when he finds his team filled with snipers and spies.

Of course, through utilizing and experimenting with sounds that organic instruments can’t make, the keyboard holds potential of his own. On the other hand, he doesn’t get a whole lot of solos and when he does, it’s out of necessity. In public play, however, the Demoman is either a very classic defense class who lays traps that catch his victims by surprise, or the front line “sticky spamming” class mentioned above.

- Heavy -

The Singer

Now this one is awkward. You don’t see many singers in Jazz anymore, but when you do, no matter how bad or redundant he is, he’ll be the center of attention by both performers and audience. Everyone has to adapt to what he does, where he goes, and if they leave him behind, the singer will look like a dork because he was told we would be fighting Boatmen. The Singer has the least technical difficulty (everyone knows how to use their own voice), but succeeding requires more than that alone.

- And the rest -

As the most used utility class, the Sniper attacks sporadically and from a distance. The fruit of his efforts is rarely seen and he is, as such, the most thankless class. This makes him a lot like the Double Bass, which produces a very low, barely audible sound yet somehow smooths things up for the other players. You also know that when a competitive team shows up with a Sniper, they bloody well mean business.

Opposite to the Saxophonist stands the Clarinet player AKA Engineer, who thrives on large amounts of teammates. In low tier pub games, he’s the central point of defense (like so), but in Jazz, he exists mostly to give his team a boost. He’s never used in Linear 5CP blues, though. Also notable is that the Saxophone was invented as an improvement to the Clarinet, just as people like to think of the Engineer as a slow version of the Scout in direct combat.
(I say they’re wrong, but I digress.)

Let’s not forget the Spy, who can do magnificent things but appears to be such an anomaly amongst the rest of the crew. Like an accordion, a whole lot of people use it and yet many feel special for doing so. Both are exceedingly convulooted and I wonder how they came to exist in the first place. They are the instrument of the People, of the Masses, and rarely see action in the big leagues. But anomalies happen.

And last but not least, and I say this with no regard to the relevant meme, the Pyro is like an electric guitar. On the one hand, he’s a n00b class because people don’t play him to credit a team, more so because rock stars get fame and infinite amounts of sex. On the other hand, the electric guitar’s strength allows him to support teammates in ways a demoman can’t. Recently, I played a round on Badlands where I voided the Scouts by having a Pyro guard me. When Pyros try to steal the show, however, they become a nuisance to their own team. A pyro running in front of the soldier/medic combo alerts the enemy to his general direction before the first rocket is even fired. Just this week, I attended a jazz concert where the guitar and the Saxophone both went all-out and failed. Nevertheless, pyros are great uber partners, but he excels so much better in Rock.

And that’s the end of my list. Next time you intend on spamming the latest Bonk remix on your favourite alltalk-less server, play some Jazz instead. Your team will perform better.
(I wish.)