ubercharged.net

It is with considerable trepidation that I publish the following announcement, issued by the Administrator for the attention of all readers of Ubercharged.net.

For the immediate attention of all employees

Underlings,

You will recall when, eight months ago and against my better instinct, I relaxed the dress code for company employees. More specifically, I removed the ban on non-practical headgear (a rule that certain employees never took with the deadly sincerity it was meant). This was an act of incredible generosity on my part, and I am sure I need not strain my typewriting muscles with the unnecessary addendum that such acts are not in my nature. Bearing this in mind, it is with the utmost disappointment that I must inform you that a number of employees are already abusing their privileges. Privileges that I may revoke at any time.

As your Administrator, I remind you that I am always watching, and it has consequently come to my attention that many of you have begun to wear headwear that can only be described as inappropriate. There appears to be a mistaken assumption in the workplace that hats bestow a certain authority to the wearer, and any such garment, regardless of how idiotic it appears to all sane personnel, is inherently dignified. Let me tell you in no uncertain terms that this assumption is categorically false. I therefore remind you that none of you has any dignity or authority whatsoever and the only reverence you should be showing is to be directed at me, your employer. An employer that needs no absurd headwear to convey their absolute disdain and anger at those of you who continue to busy themselves with ridiculous accessories.

My assistant reliably informs me that the “Hallowe’en Event” of last year was “fun” and “team-building”, terms which do not feature in my vocabulary, although I was assured they were constructive. As part of this event, our supplier issued many of you with antique opera hats, which, although utterly tasteless and dreadful in every way, were apparently “festive”. At the behest of my advisers, who have subsequently found themselves sealed in disused mine shafts, I allowed you to wear them. To my considerable bafflement, an alarming number of you continue to wear these ghastly accoutrements three months down the line. Although my own observations have not noticed a lack of productivity as a direct result of this, be advised that I am hereby cutting leisure time allowances, effective immediately, just to make sure.

In addition, reports from company medical and psychiatric staff have informed me that there is a sickening tide of what they risibly term “hatmania” among the workforce. An increasing number of individuals are concerning themselves with their headgear to an unhealthy extent. As you are, without exception, third-rate pond scum, I do not trouble myself with your many trivial obsessions. Until, that is, they preclude the efficient completion of the jobs you are being paid to complete. I hereby insist that you cease this foolish blathering about hats and helmets and get back to work before I am forced to “motivate” you. I have received reports of employees (now detained for their own protection) crudely fixing makeshift structures of scrap metal to their foreheads and earnestly telling their bemused comrades that it is a fedora. You will not be so fortunate.

Internal Communications have received countless complaints from some of you that my uncharacteristic charity in repealing the ban, and making the headgear catalogue of our esteemed partners at Mann Co. available to you was somehow not enough. “No,” they bawl like disgusting infants. “You have not given me a hat of my own!”

I consider it my duty as Administrator to respond to such grievances personally, and rest assured all those who complained have been transported to the nearest gravel pit and their heads furnished with small metal accessories by my personal security detail.

As for the rest of you, I end this note by reminding you that you are bloodthirsty mercenaries who are only saved from a life of asylums, prison camps and early death by your employers, who expect you to perform your jobs with complete dedication, and have absolutely no requirements to maintain your basic human rights.

Now, get out of my sight

- The Administrator

PS- All employees are reminded that Mann Co Camera Beard technology is to be used only for work-related espionage and not for the impersonation of historical figures. Henceforth anyone in breach of this will be subject to strict disciplinary action.

You have been warned.

Thanks to Tygrys for another brilliant image of horrible, yet entirely deserved, slaughter.