Conditioning Training
Yesterday, 8:30 am. We were already done with out group drills and were onto individual exercises. There I was, trying to maintain a decent sentry, under suppressive fire. But that was not the goal of the exercise.
You see, each of us has to be trained to react, to certain situations, in the blink of an eye. All this sustained fire was for distracting me from the focus, the climax of the exercise: the sentry exit.
A time comes in a sentries life when little balls with sticky spiky ends begin accumulating under its steel legs. One sticky, two sticky – you are too late! A good engineer does not count stickies but abandons ship and jumps away as soon as possible. That was what I was being conditioned with.
Others get their own exercises. For example that ape, Heavy, has to keep moving and dodging without thinking. Oh wait, he does not think usually. So his exercises makes him think AND dodge.
He has to play chess, against a chess robot *ahem* I designed. Out in the open with several snipers trying to put an arrow into his big but mushy head. Oh and he has to carry a drunk Demoman, who has to be taken to the bathroom every so often – or he will relieve himself atop Heavy, who has to beat the chess robot and keep that alcohol drenched (did I mention also flammable?) Scot alive. You will notice the automated chess player is made up of body parts belonging to a former employee of ours. A former employee who was “check mated”.
Then, Pyro, that freak has it easy. She’s told that one of our spawn rooms is infested with butterflies and she has to stay in there until she torches them all. In reality there are no butterflies, her goggles are so dirty that anywhere she looks she sees little random dots around her. She goes on for hours before her gas and her battery dies out. The Administrator thought of this unique exercise to wear her out, or else that hyperactive wacko won’t let anyone sleep during the mandatory afternoon recess (once she mumbled the first two seconds of TF2 theme over and over for two hours!). Of course our beloved and resourceful Administrator would not let go of all that gas and physical enthusiasm.
The “Butterfly Room”, shortly after its inception, became a conditioning training ground for Spy. He has to stay cloaked, and, do I really need to say, unlit, until “all the butterflies are cleared” (in Pyro’s head, they may be, quite literally). Of course that would be too easy. He also has to listen to and memorize the “Shakespeariclesean Play of the Day” on the radio (his watch can pick up AM radio stations, I swear, it’s true!). Then he has to re-enact flawlessly the whole play for us and the Administrator, in the cafeteria before lunch is served. One slip of the tongue, he gets a lashing, and his meal is given to Heavy (who still eats the plates and the silverware out of hunger anyway).
Ah yes, what was I saying? Oh yes, the sentry exit yesterday. I was fixing my sentry. My senses were keen, my eyes sharp. There came the first sticky. My cue to dash out. But I could not get out in time.
See, ever since last Saturday’s Cafeteria update (which is an internal update, you would not know), the quality of food drastically increased, with fewer poisonings and reduced occurrence of bloody diarrhoea. I have been told that my figure was getting a bit rounder and softer. So there I was, short of breath, trying to get my chubby buttocks over the dispenser. I got fat! Ah, big time fail.
I am a practical man. Not a muscle man. I am not going to the gym (it smells anyway). I shall have my food, AND my exit. I have been thinking since yesterday and I thought I would share my solution with you.
First I wanted to design a spring board that would eject me up, and away. But obviously flying and falling on a full tummy is neither fun nor a pleasant sight. Then I came up with a fun idea; my own little air compressor gun!
It kind of works like Pyro’s airblast, but more precise. Imagine a thin stream of compressed air. No? Then imagine relieving your bowels through a thin, long pipe. Fun, right?
From early field trials, I can happily say that it can push stickies far far away, and reflect rockets and arrows alike. It is a bit too precise to push back people or put out flames, but that was not the point anyway. Oh and I added a kicker – an air horn! When my tank is full of compressed air I can let it out through the horn and WHHAAAA? Everyone around me is startled. Some jump up, turn around in sudden excitement, or twitch and fire their weapons. I have seen heavies revving up their guns nervously, demos blowing up their stickies prematurely, and spies uncloaking accidentally.
I am not sure if the Administrator is going let me keep it. If worst comes to worst I will be assigned “Officer for Bathroom Hygiene” for a month. Not as bad as “Manager of TP Recycling”, the title Scout held for 11 months, for “portraying the Administrator in negative light via spoken language”.
Alas, there is a price to pay for every single thing that is fun.
And such is life.
Hain on December 20th 2009 in engineer, heavy weapons guy, pyro, spy, team fortress 2, the funny
Stumble it!
DPErny responded on 20 Dec 2009 at 12:41 pm #
I, personally, didn’t much like it. No offense, it just wasn’t your best work.
HelisPoe responded on 20 Dec 2009 at 12:43 pm #
@DPErny
ENGIE UNLOCK IDEA HERE!
FlyingHat responded on 20 Dec 2009 at 1:13 pm #
Ehhhh….
MasterDS responded on 20 Dec 2009 at 1:36 pm #
Yeah I’d have an Airhorn for one of the unlocks as well. Personally, I’d have it cost metal as well.
LaZodiac responded on 20 Dec 2009 at 4:19 pm #
Cool story bro.
As an aside, I think it was a slightly clever way to work in a simple unlock idea. 9.5 out of 10, would not read again because I’m a jerk (or russian, for you Olympic fans)
Dan responded on 20 Dec 2009 at 4:52 pm #
I thought it was okay
ihranator responded on 20 Dec 2009 at 8:42 pm #
You really weren’t the first to make that airgun up, were you?
Smertnik responded on 20 Dec 2009 at 11:09 pm #
“She’s told..”
Stopped reading right there.
But it was alright until then.
TeslaTank responded on 21 Dec 2009 at 4:23 am #
Hah, brilliant way to frame an unlock idea. And the game really does needs an airhorn.
This is not my real name responded on 21 Dec 2009 at 7:37 am #
@Smertnik: what the fuck is the problem with that?Everybody knows it’s a she, there’s no denying that (unless he’s a tranny or something).
Also, nice Gmod pics, we could really use more Gmod-assisted articles with some random Tf2 story..
Also, post more guys, we have a massive updae and so far only ONE post about it, and it was before it came out..
tribestone responded on 21 Dec 2009 at 8:08 am #
Genius! The engineer needs a way to deal with stickes. I was sorta thinking he needs something like an air blast gun, now I am kinda leaning toward a sheild that he can throw over a building that reduces explosive damage heavily but prevents the building from operating unless you remove it. Then you can go around the corner, finish of the demo, and get back to your sentry before some runs up and kills it. But I love your idea and an a airhorn sounds like a great taunt kill. I really want Valve to consider this and give you Great Air Blast Gun in return. You already gave them a plot for a comic.
Jammers responded on 21 Dec 2009 at 8:28 am #
The Scottish Resistance is seriously the best anti sticky measure out. Have a couple of stickies under every sentry and use your other stickies for general defence.
Watch enemy uber demos weep when they can’t blow up sentry farms.
scatterguner responded on 21 Dec 2009 at 8:48 am #
AWESOME story and idea. YOU’RE THE BOSS
tribestone responded on 21 Dec 2009 at 10:44 am #
I know it’s not very realstic to think of content and expect Valve to magically wisk it into the game. Still, this a neat idea and its introduced in a manner so Shakespeariclesean that would make Valve proud. It would be a shame it falls on deaf ears.
Jason_webb responded on 21 Dec 2009 at 11:41 am #
@Jammers
That is a good idea and it works well. Same goes for having a pyro protect the engi’s stuff. The only problem is it works only if someone is willing to dedicate time to it. No pyro feels like babysitting the engi = sapping time!
I don’t see why everyone in the beginning railed on you. It was a good story and a fun way to introduce the unlock. And you can’t say people don’t want it because you can’t heal your sentry AND get rid of stickies. Just like you can’t have your cake and eat it…..especially if that cake is a lie
lols responded on 21 Dec 2009 at 12:26 pm #
Engineer dealing with stickies?
You got your ruddy pistol and shotgun for that.
snipers_get_the_head responded on 21 Dec 2009 at 3:10 pm #
wow, two epic articles in a row. Could ubercharged-dare I say it-be getting GOOD again?
Wolf responded on 22 Dec 2009 at 1:23 am #
@ This is not my real name
Pyro neither looks nor sounds like a female. He’s voiced by a male actor, for dogs sake!
Paper Shadow responded on 22 Dec 2009 at 4:19 am #
@Wolf:
Remember, even Valve has referred to the Pyro as a “she”, so it is clear that there are, in fact, multiple Pyros, which vary from gender to gender…
tribestone responded on 22 Dec 2009 at 6:06 am #
@Jason_webb
For your own safety I recomend you stop informing us about the cake’s nonexisant nature. It is has definetley passed it’s internet meme experation date. Anyway, I think the engineer update needs to give him tools that allow him to spend less time around a his sentry waiting for a sticky dogpile and more time going out and actually gaurd his own gun. Thats why he needs anti-sticky weaponry and maybe that allegedly leaked PDQ wrench.
snipers_get_the_head responded on 22 Dec 2009 at 2:50 pm #
@tribestone: since when do Menes have expiration dates? People still say “all your base is belong to us,” and how old is that
tribestone responded on 23 Dec 2009 at 4:09 am #
That’s exactly my point. Do pepole still say them? Yes, quite frequently. Do I not wish to smash my brain with a brick with a lemon wedge wraped around it? Not as frequent. But hey… who can resist slipping a “TROGDOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRR!” into the comments section now and then. We are only human after all.