ubercharged.net

Ladies and gentlemen… I’m about to live up to my name.

On a complete whim, and for no real reason whatsoever, I have decided to play exclusively pyro… for the next three months. I don’t really know why, and I’m sure by the end I’m gonna regret this a little, but hey. It’s in the name of science.

I’m going to enter the game when I publish this article, and from then until the first of April, I will not play anything except pyro.

Expect frequent updates, as well as other articles, and vastly increased playtime from me.

Unless, of course, I get sidetracked by the crafting simulator again.

EDIT:

Having recorded all of my stats, I’m resetting them. I’m upset about losing some things, like my medic stats, which are legit, but some of the others are broken and must be replaced. I also recorded my progress for Pyromancer and Chief of Staff, which were of course lost… although they didn’t appear to be until I earned towards Pyromancer.

Bummer.

As you’ve all been told thousands of times, this game requires good teamwork if you want to ensure victory for yourself. Some of you might think of teamwork as just running to your teammate’s aid and helping him take out that pyro, or chasing off that pesky scout, or healing him when he’s been clogged up with bullets. There’s more to it than that. It’s the small things that you do that can save time and frustration and lead to better teamwork and victory. When we ignore our team and fail to help them, our victory becomes captured like our control points. Here’s a few tips on what small things you can do to help your teammates:

Self Spy-Checking
Most people out there like to spycheck everyone they meet, mostly Engineers and Snipers. It’s an important tactic that people use to keep themselves and others safe from spies. Make your teammate’s life easier and spy-check yourself for them. That Heavy-Medic pair won’t have to stop and waste time checking you. That Pyro won’t have to run after you to check you. Best of all, your team won’t have to waste their ammo on nothing. Show that you really are on their side. Shoot the floor. Swing your melee weapon over and over. Or if you’re feeling jolly, taunt. Last time I checked, spies can’t do that. By doing this, your team has one less person to check and more time to upgrade that sentry or push forward and capture that point! This is especially useful for lowering the stress for Engineers. Upon approaching their sentry nest, you should always expose yourself as a teammate so that they won’t have to run at you with their wrench and waste time spy-checking you when there might be a real spy around or when they could be upgrading their buildings. Same deal with Snipers, although it might not matter because half the time they’re too busy looking in their scopes to even notice you walk past. Silly Snipers…

Run Towards Your Medic
Well, you just got injured real bad. Who ya’ gonna’ call? The Medic of course. But don’t expect your wonderful doctor to instamatically, automagically pop up right in front of you and hook you up. No sir! When you call for a Medic, save him the extra walk and calmly run up to him. There’s no sense in having your Medic run out into the open and put himself in danger of death by some sniper or scout. Remember, one less Medic means more pain for your team. Oh, and if you get to the Medic, don’t be one of those stupid people who runs circles around him and dies because the doc couldn’t get a fix on you.

Welcoming The New
Face it. It’s happened to us all at least once and will happen again sometime soon. A person new to TF2 joins your team and they’re doing a seriously crap job. They’re dying left and right, wasting ubers, the usual. Do you tell them to GTFO and uninstall the game? Do you tell them to ALT+f4 for free hats? Certainly not. The last thing you’d want to do is to discourage someone from becoming better at a game they seemingly enjoy. We all know the saying “practice makes perfect”, so it’s better to help a new person out then to ridicule them about how much they suck. Why, we all sucked when we first played TF2. And just how did we get so much better? We learned from our mistakes and other players. The next time you see a newbie on your team failing miserably, offer him a few helpful points such as:
• Don’t W+M1.
• Always check for spies.
• Don’t mindlessly charge out into the open.
• Shoot the ground near the enemy as a soldier.
• You can’t use the flamethrower underwater.
• A scout capping a point counts as two players.
You know, normal, everyday things that most players know. Although some may need to get used to the game, others are fast learners and can quickly become a good addition to your team.

Inform Your Team of Their Surroundings
It’s obvious isn’t it? It’s very helpful to inform your teammates of what’s going on around them, whether it be pointing out a spy, notifying your team of a well hidden sniper, or just advising there’s a pyro right around the corner. Telling your Medic with a ready ubercharge that there’s a spy behind him ready to stab will prevent a large amount of frustration. It means a great deal to engineers when you inform them what spies are disguised as and if they’re heading towards them or not. All it takes is simply yelling into your mic or quickly typing up a message in chat. Go with the sure thing. Watch your team’s back, and they’ll watch yours.

Just a couple of these small things can be very helpful to you and your team. Remember them, and a swell victory will be shared between you and your team.

Special Thanks to Tygrys for the gmod pics.

So we all know how you readers love video posts, but what if I said I had not one, not two, but two to the power of two videos for you today? Yes, I’ve sorted through the terrible G-modding and lazy dubbed gameplay videos to find four of the best Christmas videos of this year. Merry Christmas, Uberchargers!

So the new update has been live for a couple of days now. It brought us some cool and highly annoying unlocks (especially the Eyelander – I hate that frickin’ thing) but it also changed the normal TF life for us. And here I want to tell you what has changed for the fire–loving maniac – the Pyro – and some tips on how to better survive in this explosive madness.

Chapter 1: The Black Scotsmen

Well, most importantly, you still have to dodge Grenades and watch out for Sticky carpets. But besides that, the ways of fighting melee Demomen has changed; wild Scotsmen are charging around with their swords and it’s easier to survive the new Sticky Launcher. So let’s get straight to the point.

Eyelander + Chargin’ Targe combo

For some odd reason a WOODEN targe gives the Demoman protection against flames, so forget about using your Flamethrower (but not entirely). First things first: throw away the Flare Gun if you’re using it. Sure, sniping people from far away and pissing off those damned Snipers sure is fun, but it won’t help you defeat the Scotsmen. So instead equip the old but reliable Shotgun and listen to this. When you see a Demoman dumb enough to charge you, let him taste your Shotty. By the time he’s halfway to you he should be pretty much dead. Although if he isn’t, don’t go for a fair melee fight. Step aside and when he flies past you, puff him with your Flamethrower, airblast him, and as he tries to kill some air swinging his sword wildly, run up to him and greet him with your Axtinguisher. Congratulations! You achieved your objective of killing him without him even touching you, and also caused some MASSIVE rage from his side. Even if he has only either the Eyelander or the Chargin’ Targe, the same advice applies.

The Scottish Resistance

Now this one is fun to fight against. You see, the Demoman can’t randomly detonate his Stickies when he has this unlock equipped. He has to actually aim at them. So this gives us a perfect opportunity to pass the field without much fighting. Just check your surroundings and if you don’t see any Demomen staring at the Stickies you’re about to cross, you’re pretty much free to go. If, however, you spot a Demoman who’s seen you there are two ways of dealing with it. First option – find an alternate route. Second option – if he’s close enough, you should try to scare him off with your Shotgun. If he’s within medium range, he’ll retreat after three or four hits screaming for a Medic, and you’ll be free to pass.

Chapter 2: The American Civilian Soldier

Yeah, this fellah here will actually change your play style a little, mainly due to one of his new unlocks – the Direct Hit. This will force you to be a little bit more stealthy than you were before, because you won’t be able to charge around as freely as you could before the update. But… that’s pretty much it. Anyway:

The Direct Hit

As I mentioned before, you will be forced to be more aware of the enemy Soldiers. This is because of the speed at which the missile from this weapon travels and the damage it deals when you’re hit. Sure, it’s still possible to reflect these rockets, but it’s really hard. Think of airblasting a Hunstman arrow. It’s really similar in this case. Second thing – damage. Even when you’ve lost just 30 HP you can be one shotted by the Soldier. Moreover, if you even just jump and the rocket hits you, it will count as an airshot and will give the Soldier a minicrit which will instagib you- even at full health. So pretty much the only semi–safe way of fighting this weapon is by catching Soldiers off guard from a place where they can’t see you or ambushing them. Also, when doing so try to not jump if it’s not necessary. That random rocket may hit you and kill you. You can also try to fight him with your Shotgun at medium range, but it isn’t really effective. So be aware of these enemies, as they’re one of the toughest foes you will run into (for now – until a possible update to the unlocks comes out).

The Equalizer a.k.a. the Imbalizer

Well this one is one hell of a overpowered unlock here. When you’re below 40 HP you instakill every class that has 150 HP and less AND on top of that your speed is raised to that of a Scout. But despite all of that it is pretty easy to fight simply because when you see a Soldier dashing at you with his Equalizer out, you just know that he’s really low on health. So again you pull out your old, reliable Shotgun and load him full of buckshot when he comes into medium range. Usually one shot is more than enough to kill such a threat. However if he catches you off guard at close range you’re pretty much dead unless you have catlike reflexes and you can turn around and kill him in the very second he hits you.

Now before you complain about it in the comments, I didn’t cover the Buff Banner or the Gunboats because they aren’t really weapons. The Buff Banner is a “weapon” that affects teammates so think of it as a glorified Jarate. Fight it the same ways you fight when you’re covered in piss – just hide and wait till the effect wears off and then go and kill ‘em.

So good luck, fellow Pyros, and kill as many of those damned explosive using classes as you can.

Oh, and Merry Christmas from Central Europe to all you Uberchargers out there!

Thanks to Tesla Tank for the title as I couldn’t come up with anything good.

Congratulations go out to Team Soldier, for their recent victory over Team Demoman. Our games have now updated and both classes been issued with a surplus of shiny new toys just in time for Christmas.

No sooner than after we’d been having fun with our new toys, another war began. I am of course referring to the war on the Steam Forums; wherein debate over why each and every new unlockable is overpowered/underpowered continues even now, soaked in bilious vulgarity and contempt.

Let’s get down to the crunch of the matter; I’m not here to discuss the new unlocks, or complain about why they’re not fair. I’m here to talk to you about the class that benefits the most from this update (at least as far as decently sized public servers are concerned); the Scout, and more precisely to tell you WHY, and HOW my fellow scouts can easily turn this update in their favour, by discussing the two updated classes and their unlocks. And I’m going to do it with a level of arrogance and cock-certainty that only a scout player could truly understand. Don’t listen to that Paper fellow, winning all the time is a great thing.

It’s here that the typical soldier, should he somehow have managed to survive this long, would reach for his shotgun and attempt to fend you off with that. No dice, he’s traded that in for a pair of ‘magic’ boots, or maybe even a musical instrument. Laugh some more as he slowly attempts to reload his new gun, and then maybe consider putting him out of his misery.

In this near death state, he might now resort to bringing out the last, gleaming piece of hope that he has in his backpack; the Equaliser. And moves at you with a speed that would almost rival your own. Perhaps he expects you to draw your own melee weapon, and fight him with some ‘honour’. Or maybe he just intends to dig his own grave with the damn thing. Either way, don’t wait around to find out, shoot him dead now. And remember, if you see a soldier sprinting towards you with his Equaliser drawn, it means his health is low enough that you can one-shot him. He’s practically asking for it.

The Drunken Duelists – Demomen

Demomen were never really much of a threat anyway. Their explosive spam has always been much easier to avoid than the Soldier’s, and he’s always had much more of it to avoid than the tin hatted meathead. Well now, perhaps as part of some drunken bet, he’s traded most of his stockpile away for some close combat gear. Close combat is of course, your forte, so why not show him how it’s done.

Shields are an antiquated weapon, and have no place on the modern battlefield; the Chargin’ Targe is no different. Back in the day, bold Scotsmen would charge headlong against their enemy’s line of explosive & incendiary firearms, using their shields to protect them from incoming fire. A technique that is completely ineffective against modern tactics, such as moving out of the way as he runs at you and shooting holes through the shield with a real man’s gun. Or, if you don’t have a real man’s gun, the Force-A-Nature; not only will it knock him back and cause him to fall short, but it’ll line him up nicely for a second, killing shot.

And that is how you sum up that; Scouts enjoy your new update. Don’t rage at me too hard when the occasional competent player figures out how to use those weapons properly either; that’s not my fault – they’re probably just hacking. Oh and have a Merry Christmas now the war is over.

Once again, thanks go to Tygrys for the Gmod images. You can find the full wallpaper sized pics here.

There’s a lot to hate about the Dead Ringer.

It’s widely accepted that most people stopped reliably falling for disguises when looking straight at a player about five days after Team Fortress 2 left closed beta. The disguise isn’t useless, for sure- it keeps sentries from killing you, out of the corner of your eye, if you see the enemy colour you’ll spin around and if you see a friendly you won’t, and in the middle of battle you won’t spy check much. But it’s not as powerful a tool as it used to be, even as it’s tweaked to be more and more believable.

Because of this, a lot of spies use invisibility as their only tool to get behind the enemy and sneak up to their target. If you’re that kind of spy, you’ll probably have dismissed the Dead Ringer right away. Not only can you not uncloak near your target without an ear splitting racket giving you away, but you can’t cloak at will and if you’re even a single percent under full cloak, you can’t cloak at all. With either other watch, uncloaking is still annoyingly loud, but it can be drowned out to some extent by the sounds of battle. And with those watches, even a silver of cloak is enough to make you invisible for at least a moment.

However, the main problem I’ve always had with the Dead Ringer is that it’s so buggy it makes the backstab look accurate.

It often seems to have a delay between when it pops open and when it’s actually going to activate. It will extinguish flames, but Jarate stays on you. You can refill from dispensers, but no shimmer and damage reduction stop after 6.5 seconds. If someone activates your Dead Ringer, it counts as killing you while invisible and gives out false achievements. Ragdoll physics snap in half when the DR is involved. And last but not least, it hands out false dominations and revenges. Dominating a DR spy? Well if you activate his DR, it might just say you got revenge on him. One kill away from a domination on a player and they activate your DR? Well now they’re apparently dominating you, and they just earned Ghastly Gibus Grab. And this is leaving aside the problem of lag causing you to be killed after your Dead Ringer has come up because their bullets are compensated and your watch is not.

But obviously I like the Dead Ringer, or I wouldn’t have made a cheap Dr. Strangelove reference in the title. So what’s so good about it that I can get over all those problems? Two things.

The first thing is that the Dead Ringer allows you to play as aggressively as you want. With the invisibility watch, once you stab someone mid-battle you’re most likely dead. The glut of other enemies hanging around will make it hard to escape even if you do cloak up, because splash or stray bullets will reveal you and tear you to bits. With the Cloak and Dagger, playing aggressively is basically the devil, since it’ll take you an age and a half to get over to enemy lines again, and with the normal watch you likely won’t manage to stay invisible long enough to lose the heat even if you do escape the scene (which you probably won’t.)

However, if you’re using the Dead Ringer, you can stab whenever you feel like it. Sniper with Soldiers hanging around? Big deal. Stab the Sniper and make your escape. Heavy tearing up your team, but with an attentive Medic ready to milk you for an uber? No uber for him, you’ll be gone after one hit. The Dead Ringer is untouchable when it comes to escapes. While some of the enemies will suspect you’re faking it, a lot of them are going to fall for the fake death. Fire is extinguished when it activates, damage is toned down so stray bullets are unlikely to kill you, and most importantly, being damaged won’t cause any flicker effect.

And with that point we come to the second thing, and the reason for the first part of the title. The Dead Ringer gives you FULL invisibility. There’s no “translucent outline” like when you try to sneak around with no cloak using the Cloak and Dagger, no team-coloured shadow like when a wild minigun bullet clips you with normal watches, and short of fire and jarate, nothing in the world is going to show anyone where you are outside of them walking straight into you- and as far the game tells them, you’re dead and gone. And even if you are aflame and being chased by an angry Pyro, the damage resistance means you’ve got a very good chance of surviving until your cloak runs out, giving you six and a half seconds to get back to your team, which last time I checked was about 6.45 seconds more than the normal watch will buy you if you’re on fire.

So yes, you might be a little less in control of your invisibility with the Dead Ringer, and you might be tied to metal more, but to me, that’s a fair price to pay to completely disappear when I hit right click.

Hello, Scout Players.

I, Paper Shadow, being of sound mind, would like to tell you something.
You are all:

Quick.
Little.
Virgin.
Bastards.

Come on, you may have your mouth wide open, fingers ready to type “You’re lying!” or “You’re an idiot!”, but deep down, you know it to be true. Think about it, with these simple questions:

Which Class is the fastest?
Which Class was the youngest of eight brothers?
Which Class has a Mother that is sleeping with the Spy?
Which Class is a bastard?

If you said “Scout” for all of the questions, then you see why he is what he is.
If not, then whack yourself in the face. Several times. Until you see the errors of your ways.

Of course, you may still continue to argue that the Scout is not what I say he is. I understand that. Except, I’m lying. I don’t understand that. How could you ignore my logical points of logic? No matter, I have more points that you can do nothing but agree with. Because I said so…

First, he is too fast!

There is no denying it. The Scout is fast. Too fast. Waaaaaaaaaaaay too fast. In fact, I would go as far to say he is so fast, he teleports around. No, that’s not because I have a low FPS, and I play on servers on the other side of the world, it’s because the Scout is far too fast for such a fast-paced game like Team Fortress 2. His speed breaks it completely.

Take, for example, a round on Badlands I had a week ago. I was playing as a Spy, and I was trying to catch up to a Scout. I was running, and running, and running, but I never caught up with him. He just zoomed ahead of my normal speed class. I removed the mask from my face, put my Gibus back on, and proceeded to yell profanities into the air. A Pyro, and one that hated people who wore hats out of place or out of season, spotted me from behind, disguise-less, DR-less, and too occupied with my excessive swearing to notice any enemies, and rushed towards me, Backburner ready. Needless to say, I was more burnt than a Sunday Dinner cooked by a drunk Demoman…

All because the Scout is far too fast.

So what would I do to fix this, if I worked at Valve? Well, there is two ways to fix this, without having to remove the Scout (although that works too). First, make the Scout slower. Slower than a Spy, but faster than a Demoman. If anyone asks, say that this is because the Scout recently got hooked on Pizza. Although his character model doesn’t look different, the Scout became fatter and slower than usual. The other solution is to give every class a buggy to drive around, so they can travel really fast, and since everyone is going fast, than no one will be. It would also make CTF maps a lot more fun for those who dislike them…

Second, they are not Soldiers OR Demomen!

You’ve heard it here first folks. Killing Scouts did not help Soldiers or Demomen unlock the secret item during war. A crime I say! But once again, you feel that you must intervene. “But wait, oh crazy one,” you say. “Can’t you say that about any class other than the Soldier and the Demoman?” I could, but there is one major reason why I have chosen Scout. He has the destructive force of the Soldier and the Demoman COMBINED!

Look at this from a competitive point of view. Here is some random guide on Competitive TF2 for those who aren’t too sure about it. Anyway, the average 6v6 team is made up of two Scouts, two Soldiers, a Demoman, and a Medic. A competitive team has had many years to learn the best combination of classes. There is only one Demoman and Medic because they are too weak, and you need power. A second Medic, although you’ll have a higher chance for ubercharges, and possibly two ubercharges at once, would cost one of you power people, and wouldn’t be worth it. The Demoman may have lots of stickies at his disposal, but they take time to use. Speed equals power, my friends (refer to point one of this article)…

So, you have two Scouts and two Soldiers. Surely, the big muscular warmongers with 200 health and rocket launchers are stronger than the itsy-bitsy baseball player with 125hp. But no, it is the Scouts which are stronger. One of the Soldiers can be almost always found being healed by the team’s Medic. That’s right, one of the Soldiers has to be overhealed all the time. Meanwhile, both of the Scouts, who each have less than half the health of the overhealed Soldier, are running around free to cause as much havoc as they want. And being such jackasses, they will do as much as possible!

So, take note people. The only way we can counter such power is by taking the term Fragile Speedster to the extremes. I’m talking about 35 health, and his weapons deal 50% less damage. I’m sure you’ll find that these numbers make perfect sense, and allow the Scout protection from fall damage or stray shots, and makes sure he doesn’t die immediately when he has the Sandman. Oh, and just in case you feel that 35hp makes the Scout underpowered (which, for your information, is impossible), then here’s a little treat for you: having BONK! increases your max health by 15hp. Isn’t that super awesome?

Finally, the Scout can fly!

I’m not pulling your leg here. I haven’t lied once during this article, and as we draw closer to the close, I plan on continuing my truthful and reliable ramblings until you realise how overpowered the Scouts are. And if the previous two good points did not sway your opinion, then this one will really blow you away! It’s about one minute in…

You seeing this? No other class is gonna do that! Thanks to EvilDaedalus for the filming of such devilry (along with some other, not as important stuff) so we can see the witchcraft of a Scout.  Give this man a donation and a community weapon!

Only the Scout could do that. Other classes can go airborne, yeah, but none of them have the amount of control and airtime the Scout has. He just kept going up and down, up and down. No effort needed, all you had to do was aim those stunballs and watch them fly. Gentlemen, this is a problem for all of us. Man, Woman, or Child, if there is a Scout flying by, there is no escape…

So what do we do to fix this? Sadly, this is one of those things that can not be fixed. We can either remove this, or the Scout. And, personally, I feel that removing the Scout is for the best. Give his weapons to other classes. I’m sure the Demo would like a drink that can be him dodge everything for a small while, and the Sniper could think of a few things a baseball that stuns could do, such as prevent a Engineer with two pistols from getting too close. ‘Tis for the best. Trust me.

So, Scout Players, I hope you realise how much your hero sucks. I know it is hard to understand or believe, but this is hard facts. I mean, there are eight equally enjoyable and funny classes. Don’t be addicted to the Boston Batter. Put some variety in your diet. For the Scout is too strong, and if you are too strong, then where is the fun in constantly wiping out waves of opponents, laughing manically as the number of dominations you have rise, and never fall, and watch the land transform, as if the devil himself declared war on your enemies, from the clean fields into a world covered in red blood, with just one clean spot, signifying that there is a hope that a hacker will join and end your rampage, but both you and your foes know that will never happen. And then have it all end when the round does, leaving you sad inside, partly because it is over, but mainly because you do that every single round…

Yep, there’s no fun in winning all the time…

So, those among you that have not been too busy hacking my head off with a broadsword will have noticed that there is only one class out there that has not yet received it’s update, and that would be the poor Engineer. However, he has only a few months to wait before he two gets his spiffy new gamebreakers. But then we are left with an uncomfortable question, what happens next? Once Valve is done with the class updates, what is going to happen to our beloved Team Fortress 2? Well, fear not, unwashed masses, I have you covered. I have foreseen the future and I am here to gift you with the knowledge of the remaining updates.

The Engineer Update

Sometime late in February of 2010, we finally receive the long awaited Engineer Update. A new CTF-CP fusion gamemode it introduced, capture points are captured by bring the intelligence to them. The shotgun replacement, the Ionizer, fires a “radioactive tracking serum” that allows the Engie to mark targets for the sentry to turn into swiss cheese, marked targets can be shot even if they are out of the Sentry’s range. The new pistol, the Peacemaker is a six-shot revolver that allows the Engie to shoot off sappers. Lastly, the new Monkey Wrench allows the Engie to construct buildings in 1/4th the time, but cannot upgrade them. But that’s not all! A second wrench, the Turtle, allows the Engineer to hold 400 metal at once, and cuts the upgrade cost of buildings by 25%, but makes the initial build time for every building 50% longer. The new build PDA includes three new buildings, the Flame Turret (self explanatory), the Retrainer (a device that allows for class changes on the field), and Deployable Cover (two of which can be created at once).

The “We’re Just Stalling Episode 3″ Update

March 21st, 2010. We get 19 more hats, two for each class, and one very special hat. It’s called the Physicist’s Beard, it is a goatee and glasses. If you put it all alone in the crafting area and attempt to craft something, it duplicates itself. If you craft it with anything else, literally anything, even Jarate, it turns into an unlimited supply of love, hope, happiness, food, and shelter. The drop rate is -1%, whenever the game decides that the Physicist’s Beard should be dropped, rather than receiving it, you actually lose an item. Global suicide rates double.

The Tenth Class

It finally arrives during the Summer of 2010. After years of speculation, wild mass guessing, and tears, the Tenth Class arrives. He is called the Grenadier. Valve finally decides to bring grenades back, in a big way. The Grenadier’s primary is a limitless supply if frag grenades, his secondary is a grenade that combines Tabun Gas, Flashbangs, Concussion ‘Nades, Smoke ‘Nades, Hallucinogens, and Jarate. What about the melee, you ask? It’s a grenade. He beats you to death with it. And then he explodes.

The “Go To Hell” Update

October 10th, 2010. After 3 years of updating, the Team Fortress team just does not care anymore. All classes are removed from the game, save the Grenadier. All weapons are removed, including default weapons, and a single new weapon called “the Hands” is introduced. All maps are removed, replaced by the new map “cp_hell”. Cp_hell is a labyrinthine map, consisting of dev-textured brushes, multiple instakill traps, no respawns, and a single control point in the middle. It could take hours to finally reach the control point, and when you do the capture time is 24 hours. The map actively hates you, and will do anything to kill you. A brand new Director, which is actually just Robin Walker’s brain that was uploaded to a computer minutes after he found out everyone he ever loved was killed, controls the map, and can manipulate the environment to try and kill you. Walls collapse in, places randomly burst into flames, sometimes, you just plain die, for absolutely no reason. There is a single achievement introduced alongside this map. To earn it, you must pick up a gnome found at the beginning of the level, carry it safely to the control point, and make sweet love to it. If you succeed, the game kills you, and you die.

Yesterday, 8:30 am. We were already done with out group drills and were onto individual exercises. There I was, trying to maintain a decent sentry, under suppressive fire. But that was not the goal of the exercise.

You see, each of us has to be trained to react, to certain situations, in the blink of an eye. All this sustained fire was for distracting me from the focus, the climax of the exercise: the sentry exit.

A time comes in a sentries life when little balls with sticky spiky ends begin accumulating under its steel legs. One sticky, two sticky – you are too late!  A good engineer does not count stickies but abandons ship and jumps away as soon as possible. That was what I was being conditioned with.

Others get their own exercises. For example that ape, Heavy, has to keep moving and dodging without thinking. Oh wait, he does not think usually. So his exercises makes him think AND dodge.

He has to play chess, against a chess robot *ahem* I designed. Out in the open with several snipers trying to put an arrow into his big but mushy head. Oh and he has to carry a drunk Demoman, who has to be taken to the bathroom every so often – or he will relieve himself atop Heavy, who has to beat the chess robot and keep that alcohol drenched (did I mention also flammable?) Scot alive. You will notice the automated chess player is made up of body parts belonging to a former employee of ours. A former employee who was “check mated”.

Then, Pyro, that freak has it easy. She’s told that one of our spawn rooms is infested with butterflies and she has to stay in there until she torches them all. In reality there are no butterflies, her goggles are so dirty that anywhere she looks she sees little random dots around her. She goes on for hours before her gas and her battery dies out. The Administrator thought of this unique exercise to wear her out, or else that hyperactive wacko won’t let anyone sleep during the mandatory afternoon recess (once she mumbled the first two seconds of TF2 theme over and over for two hours!). Of course our beloved and resourceful Administrator would not let go of all that gas and physical enthusiasm.

The “Butterfly Room”, shortly after its inception, became a conditioning training ground for Spy. He has to stay cloaked, and, do I really need to say, unlit, until “all the butterflies are cleared” (in Pyro’s head, they may be, quite literally). Of course that would be too easy. He also has to listen to and memorize the “Shakespeariclesean Play of the Day” on the radio (his watch can pick up AM radio stations, I swear, it’s true!). Then he has to re-enact flawlessly the whole play for us and the Administrator, in the cafeteria before lunch is served. One slip of the tongue, he gets a lashing, and his meal is given to Heavy (who still eats the plates and the silverware out of hunger anyway).

Ah yes, what was I saying? Oh yes, the sentry exit yesterday. I was fixing my sentry. My senses were keen, my eyes sharp. There came the first sticky. My cue to dash out. But I could not get out in time.

See, ever since last Saturday’s Cafeteria update (which is an internal update, you would not  know), the quality of food drastically increased, with fewer poisonings and reduced occurrence of bloody diarrhoea. I have been told that my figure was getting a bit rounder and softer. So there I was, short of breath, trying to get my chubby buttocks over the dispenser. I got fat! Ah, big time fail.

I am a practical man. Not a muscle man. I am not going to the gym (it smells anyway). I shall have my food, AND my exit. I have been thinking since yesterday and I thought I would share my solution with you.

First I wanted to design a spring board that would eject me up, and away. But obviously flying and falling on a full tummy is neither fun nor a pleasant sight. Then I came up with a fun idea; my own little air compressor gun!

It kind of works like Pyro’s airblast, but more precise. Imagine a thin stream of compressed air. No? Then imagine relieving your bowels through a thin, long pipe. Fun, right?

From early field trials, I can happily say that it can push stickies far far away, and reflect rockets and arrows alike. It is a bit too precise to push back people or put out flames, but that was not the point anyway. Oh and I added a kicker – an air horn! When my tank is full of compressed air I can let it out through the horn and WHHAAAA? Everyone around me is startled. Some jump up, turn around in sudden excitement, or twitch and fire their weapons. I have seen heavies revving up their guns nervously, demos blowing up their stickies prematurely, and spies uncloaking accidentally.

I am not sure if the Administrator is going let me keep it. If worst comes to worst I will be assigned “Officer for Bathroom Hygiene” for a month. Not as bad as “Manager of TP Recycling”, the title Scout held for 11 months, for “portraying the Administrator in negative light via spoken language”.

Alas, there is a price to pay for every single thing that is fun.

And such is life.

Day 1 – somewhere in Queensland, Australia.

It was hitting 50 out there, and the heat was beginning to assert its presence inside the bunker. While some of the gang had left for the holidays, most of us were here, relaxing in various levels of discomfort.

Clubtheseals was certainly starting to feel it, and took off his shirt to expose his rippling abs. The others weren’t so affected. Madlep was on twitter, furiously condemning Cleanfeed, Java, and the Melbourne train system. General Balls was in the bathroom, moaning loudly.

…Not again.

He burst out of the bathroom, with his fly unzipped and his Steve Irwin shirt covered in drool.He was carrying a laptop with the TF2 blog open to the latest comic.

“HIMMEL! Did you see this?!” he exclaimed with Pavlovian excitement.

I nodded. “Only six times before, bro.”

“Well, what do you think?”

“I don’t know. I don’t really play TF2 any more.”

“Well, this is absolutely ridiculous! A sword and shield? God DAMN, Himmel, what is Valve thinking? What are we thinking? We have contacts! Robin Walker, mate! We can change this!”

“Meh. I’ll consider it.”

“Well, I’m not the only one,” he added. General looked away sheepishly and sighed, as if he had just been friend-zoned. “There’s also everyone on the steam forums. They’re out for blood, mate.”

* * *

A familiar voice, and a familiar alarm.

“INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!” screamed the bunker’s PA system. It was powered by a 35GHz system custom-built by Clubs. Clubs revels in overkill.

“Your turn, General,” said Madlep, eyes not leaving his screen. Twitter was still open. “I checked it out last time.”

“Dammit, fine, I’ll check it out this time,” said General grudgingly. He walked to the closet and pulled out his trusty laser-sighted sniper rifle and loaded a shell in. As he walked out of the room, he paused to pick up his tooth belt hat, hanging by the door. One can’t forget the bare necessities.

A few minutes later, the PA crackled again, though the voice coming through was not one of a cougar with lung cancer; rather, it was our trusty own GB.

“Uh, I think you might want to check this out, mates.” We hurried to the periscope room. When I got there, I put my eye to the eyepiece…

A mass of several thousand people armed with grenades and rocket launchers was advancing on the compound.

“Can we get some audio?” I asked. Clubs nodded and flicked a switch.

Faint shouts of “OP!” and “Nerf!” started coming from the 2500W speakers Clubs had set up. (Clubs was a true audiophile. Others used to work here until Clubs taught them the true meaning of death metal).

“Oh, crap,” I muttered.

The Steam forumites. They came out of nowhere, and we hadn’t prepared anything to halt their advance, as we had back in the past. “I suppose that means we evacuate,” said Madlep.

The others nodded. Clubs hurried to the garage to fire up the escape vehicle. After he finished tweeting about the new development, Madlep headed back to the computer room to gather up essential materials.

“I’ll get some weapons together,” said General. “Crikey. The specimen. You’d better check on him, mate.”

“Crap,” I replied. I’d forgotten about him too. “I’ll handle him.”

I set off down another corridor to the door at the end. The forum folks hadn’t arrived in this godforsaken patch of the Outback without cause. They wanted answers, and only one man had them. I knocked twice on the door. A grunt emanated from within.

“Mr. Walker?” I called. “We have to go.”

* * *

Tesla Tank was waiting. Once, the tesla tank itself and Tesla Tank were separate entities – but interestingly enough, they fused. (Actually, he accidentally sprayed some fluid up his nose, though we often joked that he had pornographic relations with that fookin vehicle). It was our vehicle of choice whenever we had to venture out into the open from the comparative safety of the Ubercharged bunker – though given a choice between a tricycle and Tesla Tank, I’d have chosen the tricycle. Sure, the lightning cannon was pretty badass, but riding in the bowels of a sentient hunk of armor is always a little unnerving. And the flirting didn’t help either. The last thing you want to hear your tank say is “Babe, you charge my coils.”

“Come on, pile in! We gotta go!” screamed Clubs. I hurriedly loaded Robin Walker into the tank, followed him in, and latched the hatch shut.

“Damn, I’m not getting any reception in here,” said Madlep, as he put his smartphone aside. “I guess Twitter will have to wait.”

“All right, where to?” asked Tesla.

We looked around at each other.

Oh, zis is bad. None of us had any idea where to go except out.

“Well,” said Robin Walker, speaking for the first time, “there’s a prototype facility that we run in partnership with Mann Co. We could try that.”

“Well, we have no choice. Let’s just go there,” said Clubs. “All in agreement, say ‘aye.’”

Aye, came the universal reply.

“All right, Tesla. Let’s go,” said a grinning Clubs. “We can meet the others there.”

“Damn straight, babe,” replied the tank in a seductively metallic voice.

* * *

The scenes of carnage as Tesla Tank plowed through the mass of brainless whiners and the cracks of thunder from the tank’s lightning cannon are left to the reader’s imagination.

Also, tesla tanks can fly, which is why we were able to get to the prototype facility. It’s an essential assumption to the story, OK? Deal with it.

* * *

Day 2 – Principality of Sealand

“All right, seriously, what the hell is this place?” asked Madlep. “It’s a goddamn fort. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA.“

“Well,” said Robin, dismounting from the tank. “This place has the peculiar quality of being completely outside national waters. In other words, what you see here is its own country.”

We looked around. There wasn’t much to see. The place made the Vatican look like Russia in terms of size.

“It gives us some… freedoms,” continued Robin. “We can test out some new weapons and things of that sort without worry of international action.” He paused. “Follow me. Some of your friends are here to meet you.”

We followed him inside the fort, passing some display cases on the way. One contained the original 225 HP backburner; another showcased an assortment of concussion and EMP ‘nades, and in yet another was the coveted Valve Rocket Launcher. Legacy pieces, and further casualties of that fickle mistress, game balance.

“That last one can’t be opened by anyone save a select few, sadly,” said Robin.

We continued, and a few familiar faces popped up.

“Hey Scoot,” I called.

“IT’S MEDIK, DAMMIT. M-E-D-I-K,” came the angry reply. “What the hell, Himmel. I thought you were my friend.”

“Hey, Himmel, GB, Clubs, Madlep, etc,” said a blasé President Moriarty. He was standing in front of a poster of some anime girls.

“Sup,” said French Toast.

“I loved Abbey Road, man,” I said. “That was a good album, that was.”

“That’s just not cool, bro,” he replied.

“Cool story.” I grinned.

“Well, make yourselves at home. This place should be safe until a little while after we roll the WAR update out,” said Walker. “I’ll be back later. It’s time to update the kill tally.” Had he a hat, he would have tipped it. He left the room.

“So why exactly are you guys here?” I asked Scoot. Er, I meant Medik.

“Federal Witness Protection Program,” replied Medik. “We testified in a rather brutal case involving something I can’t tell you about. Plus, of course, you guys. It’s high time for a reunion.”

* * *

Tesla’s engine is quite a work of engineering. He runs pretty well off ethanol, especially if it’s 80 proof or greater, though beer works fine.

I don’t think I can say the same about me.

I think I just got owned by a goddamn tank.

I don’t know what’s worse, the hangover or the pineapple aftertaste.

* * *

Day 3: Principality of Sealand

“Ergh. Go away, Clubs.”

Clubs kept poking me. Normally, when he did so, Facebook would send me a text message, and that was OK. Real pokes suck.

“Get your ass up. We have a problem here,” he said urgently.

I managed an eloquent “bleh.”

“So that’s how it is, Himmel.” A pause.

OH DAMN IT’S SO COLD WHAT DID YOU DO CLUBS WHY AM I SOAKED DID YOU JUST THROW ICE WATER ON ME YOU IDIOT THAT WAS SUCH A DICK MOVE A THOUSAND CURSES UPON YOUR SOUL.

At least it cleared up the headache.

“Get up, Himmel. We got a problem.”

“What kind of problem?”

“See for yourself.” Clubs opened the window.

“Oh, ****.” I rubbed my eyes. “Are they on… rowboats?”

“Cheeky /b/tards. They don’t give in.”

I dried myself off and pulled on an AH MEN jumpsuit. I had saved it for a trip to the bar, but never really got to use it, since there really weren’t any dames over in the Australian outback. I guess that was a downside of life there – the only available people were other guys and fookin vehicles. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I made my way to the deck. Robin was waiting, along with the rest of the gang.

“So do we run away again?” I asked.

“Nah,” replied Robin. “There’s nowhere to go. We’ll have to fight.”

“So I suppose this would be madness, were it not for the secret prototype weapons we’ll be getting,” said Medik.

“That would be correct. In fact, let me introduce you to your two best friends for some time.” Robin gestured toward a crate lying on the deck. MANN CO, the crate proudly proclaimed.

This should be interesting, I thought as we opened the crate.

The Legend of Zelda “item found” soundbite played from the box.

Robin giggled. “Mann Co’s been doing that lately. They do know how to package their stuff.”

I peeked in, hoping for a pleasant surprise. Chalk one up for the list of things I haven’t received.

“Are you daft? ARE YOU DAFT?” screamed General Balls maniacally. “There’s thousands upon thousands of crazed TF2 fanatics out there, and they have rocket launchers, and we’re supposed to fight them off with SWORDS and SHIELDS?”

“Pretty much,” grinned Robin.

“These are the SECRET PROTOTYPE WEAPONS you’ve been working on?” shouted GB. “This is insane! We won’t last!”

“You don’t have to,” said Robin. “Those guys you see advancing upon our fort thrive on one thing, and one thing alone: disagreement. So if we remove the source of the disagreement…”

“The Steam forums,” said Moriarty.

“Yeah.” Robin shuffled his feet. “Unfortunately…I can’t remove the steam forums directly. The steam forums are blocked here.”

“Cleanfeed?” inquired Madlep.

“Yep. This entire place is subcontracted to Mann Co, and so all the lines go through Australia, where they get blocked by that infernal piece of crap.”

“Damn you, Conroy,” muttered Madlep.

“Apparently some guy posted porn over on the steam forums once upon a time.” Robin sighed. “So, anyway, the only way I can get rid of the scourge is to vaporize the data center where the forums are located using our Orbital Strike Cannon.”

“How long do we need to hold them off for?” said French Toast.

“About six hours. We need to wait for a good window, when the OSC is directly above the data center.”

“Six hours…?” I asked incredulously. “We’ll never last that long…unless we had some help…”

A steady beating sound came from the distance. A helicopter approached, flying directly over the fort, and four figures jumped out. They pulled the cords on their parachutes and gently floated onto the deck.

One removed his helmet and unbuckled his parachute harness.

“Hey. Remember us? We’re the Control Point hosts,” said Wes. “An alliance once existed between CP and UC. Long ago we fought and died together. We come to honor that allegiance.” The other three tipped their helmets.

“Talk about a deus ex machina.” Were Tesla not a machine, I would have sworn he would have been crapping his pants from laughter.

* * *

We’re were good hands, so far.

The force had stopped some distance from the fort and began shelling the place. First, they used simple grenades and rockets, which bounced off the fort’s force field. So they started upping the ante, and pretty soon, F-bombs were dropping from the sky. Scary buggers, they are, but upon impact with the force field, they exploded into four glowing pink hearts. Pink fireworks. Not a bad backdrop.

Eventually, they called our bluff and began to storm the fort in earnest.

The fighting on the deck was been pretty intense. By repeatedly charging into the attackers with our shields, we managed to do reasonably well. The CP guys earned extra points for bashing the fans with their microphones.

* * *

We lost the upper deck and had to retreat into the fort. An uncountable number of explosions rocked the deck overhead. This is what happens when you encourage people to play explosive classes.

I had never imagined I would have been sticky spammed into submission.

10 minutes to go until the strike window.

* * *

Two minutes to go, and only more door until the OSC control room was open.

More fighting. There was so much rocket spam that we had no choice but to fall back.

One more minute. We retreated inside the control room and braced the door. French stood directly in front of the door. The second that door fell, he would charge out, sword drawn. The rest of us would follow.

“Come on, boys, just a few more seconds!”Robin steeled himself as he completed the final preparations for the strike.

The door fell, and French was unceremoniously trampled underfoot. The mob flooded into the room, pinning us against the walls. They made a circle around Robin Walker, business ends of their noob tubes pointed directly at the Valve Software dev’s smug mug.

10 seconds.

Robin Walker lifted a disc off the table. “This, folks, is the current build of Left 4 Dead 3.”

The mob’s attention was captivated.

Robin grinned.

0 seconds. The strike window was open.

“Fetch,” he said smugly, and tossed the disk to one corner of the room. The mob stared at the flying disc…

and promptly vaporized.

The dusty remnants of the mob dropped to the ground, covering it in a fine ash.

“All in a day’s work, huh, folks?” joked Robin. “Though the damage to the fort is… well, catastrophic.”

The rest of our heads were still reeling.

Moriarty asked if that actually was L4D3.

“Yeah. Don’t tell them”–he gestured to the dusty remains of the forumites–”this, but we thrive off rage, too. You aren’t going to get HL2:EP3 for quite a while, I’ll tell you that.”

Damn it. If only the Steam Forums still existed, I would complain about this. I’ll actually miss them. I miss them already.

“Oh, and the OSC is above Australia right now. Want me to vaporize the ubercharged forums too?” asked Robin.

We looked at each other.

YES.

* * *

Stupidity never dies. The steam forums are back.

We returned to Australia, and are still hiding in the bunker, though Sealand makes a nice vacation spot.

Here’s to the community which has made TF2 as awesome as it is. A toast to you. Control Point especially.

And to the rest of you…

HEY LOOK IS THAT LEFT 4 DEAD 3

Gmod credit to sQUEAKYfOAMpEANUT.