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INTERVIEWER’S NOTE: Most of this interview is highly classified, I was only able to obtain it by capturing the both intelligences myself and hiding them in a secure location, and I am only able to post it on the Internet due to an insane amount of sucking up to the Valve bigwigs. Have I mentioned that Gabe Newell is awesome?

Also, please that this is part one of the interview, which has been split for the Internet and formatted to fit this screen.

[UC]Sheepshifter!: Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Mister or Ms. Pyro.

Pyro (Translated from Pyro): Thank you yourself, Mr. Sheepshifter, I don’t get asked to be interviewed very often.

[UC]Sheepshifter!: Gee, I wonder why.

Pyro: I think it might have something to do with my pro-random drops stance.

[UC]Sheepshifter!: My first question is something that I know has been on everyone’s mind for a long time. Which team came first, RED or BLU?

Pyro: The Spectators.

[UC]Sheepshifter!:  Son of a father!

Pyro: It’s true. At the start of TF2’s development, Valve hired eight of the biggest racial stereotypes to serve as personality models for the updated classes.

[UC]Sheepshifter!: Hold on, eight? Aren’t there nine classes?

Pyro: *Laughs* Funny story, there. They couldn’t find a good personality for the Spy, but then we  just walked in one day to find the man you all know as Spy hanging out in the lounge. When he wouldn’t leave or explain why he was there for a week, Gabe decided to use him. I think his class has never been nerfed because, since Valve doesn’t actually pay Spy, he can kill them all.

[UC]Sheepshifter!: So, what do all nine of you do?

Pyro: We’re like consultants. When Valve comes up with a new map or game mode, we look over it and think about how our class would work effectively in it, and change the mode if our classes can’t. We also look over the unlockable weapons, to see if it’s good enough (if it’s our unlockable) and if it’s balanced (if it isn’t.) When there’s nothing to look over, we play a lot of our class in order to get a feel for how it plays these days.

[UC]Sheepshifter!: What do you all do when you’re not working?

Pyro: Well, because of our contracts, we can’t leave Valve’s secret underwater base. We live down there. Most of us are big anime fans, except for Soldier, he hates everything non-American. Engineer isn’t much of a fan either, but he loves Giant Robot Anime. Scout is a complete japanamaniac, though.

[UC]Sheepshifter!: Scout? Really?

Pyro: Yep, we all say that if baseball wasn’t American, Scout would be Japanese. He loves everything about the country. It’s actually kind of scary.

[UC]Sheepshifter!: Speaking of Scout, what’s the deal with him and the Spy?

Pyro: Ah, that. A lot of the things you see in Meet the Team, along with the domination lines and other in-game quips, come from stuff that happens in the office. For instance, the interview from Meet the Demoman came from the time the actual Demoman got drunk and started telling us his life story. Meet the Soldier was inspired by the time Soldier lectured the kitchen appliances on patriotism. Scout and Spy have been fighting since Day 1, so Valve had them record lines like that because it’s what they were doing anyway.

[UC]Sheepshifter!: So, how do you feel about the job in general?

Pyro: My only real complaint is that I can’t leave the underwater base. On the other hand, I’m working with hilarious co-orkers, playing fun games, with room and board paid for by my employers and unlimited computer access, I’ve also been beta-testing all the new Valve games, and, as the cherry on top, Valve has really good cheese.

Stay tuned for part two of the interview, where we learn everything there is to know about the Pyro, and more about the awesomeness that is Gabe Newell! Next time on Unforgotte- Um, I mean Ubercharged.net!