The Easiest Tutorial for Any Game Mode, EVER
First, some facts (all stats taken as of June 26, 2009):
Team Fortress 2 has been around for about 593 days, or, 1 year 8 months 16 days.
The Payload Game Mode has been around for 423 days, or, 1 year 1 month 28 days.
Now then, this game has been around for nearly 2 years, and the payload game mode alone has been around for over a year. You would think that this full year has given us plenty of time to become acquainted with the ins and outs of simply pushing a cart. Unfortunately some are missing a very vital strategy of this game mode, in fact missing the whole point of payload. And so know we move onto our first, and only, strategy.
GET ON THE CART
Simple right? There are, however, plenty of players that refuse to use this strategy. Now, I could just end the article here, but I hardly think that such an article would ever get posted on the Ubercharged blog (at least I’d like to think we still post quality articles occasionally). So I will dive further into depth on using this strategy both offensively, and *GASP* defensively as well!
Using GET ON THE CART in an offensive situation
When the GET ON THE CART strategy is called upon (usually triggered when someone types and/or says GET ON THE CART), this means that it’s time to begin recklessly throwing your reckless fleshy body recklessly on the cart… recklessly. While some may take this as a cue to get themselves recklessly killed, this really means to throw your body recklessly but cautiously. Sounds like I’m being hypocritical, right? Wrong (remember, you’re always wrong).
Throwing yourself recklessly means that you throw yourself onto the cart, in the direct firing line of a sentry gun. Throwing yourself recklessly but cautiously means that you throw yourself on the cart, but in such a way that every goddamn RED team member can’t see your vulnerable fleshy body. Remember, that bomb doesn’t gib when rockets hit it, but you do.
Using GET ON THE CART in a defensive situation
GET ON THE CART is a ruthless strategy that, if employed by the BLU, is very difficult to counter. Luckily, I will tell you the perfect counter to this once unbeatable rush! This counter is called… GET ON THE CART.
The GET ON THE CART strategy is very similar both defensively and offensively. You generally GET ON THE CART when someone types and/or says GET ON THE CART (just like on offence, see how easy this is?). IMPORTANT: you only GET ON THE CART when someone *else* says GET ON THE CART, ’cause if you’re still reading this, you must not be smart enough to decide on your own when to apply this precious strategy.
The BLU team may be using the subgenre of strategy that will henceforth ALWAYS be called recklessly but cautiously. This means that they will be using the cart, or that giant bacon ball, as a shield. You firing directly at the cart does nothing… so knock it off. Instead, you can GET ON THE CART to stop all movement! WOW ISN’T THAT F***ING AMAZING! So when that cart is just INCHES away from the final terminus, you can GET ON THE CART and stall for precious seconds while your real teammates (the ones that aren’t absolute morons) respawn and do all the real work.
Some final points to remember when using GET ON THE CART
While GET ON THE CART is activated by saying GET ON THE CART, other acceptable catalysts for offence are:
- SENTRIES ARE DOWN GET ON THE CART
- GET ON THE CART F***TARDS
- YOU MORONS, GET ON THE CART
- NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR KDR, GET ON THE CART
Other acceptable catalysts for defence are:
- JUST 10 SECONDS LEFT, GET ON THE CART
- DON’T LET THEM WIN IN OVERTIME, GET ON THE CART
- STOP F***ING AROUND AND GET ON THE CART
- GET ON THE CART [their username here]
Stumble it!
Jesse responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 8:25 am #
WHY ARE WE SITTING AROUND?
GET ON THE CART.
johnnywutang responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 8:33 am #
Thank you for this tutorial and for helping to clarify a very underused but helpful gameplay strategy on Payload.
Oh yes, when on offense our catalyst i’d like to add to your list is one me and my peers use a lot: “P.T.F.C.” — “PUSH THE F***ING CART”
This Is No Zaku! responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 8:35 am #
an older and equally important tactic
STAND ON THE POINT
supremesonic responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 8:38 am #
Other potential lines include “Kindly get on the cart”, “It might be a good idea to get on the cart” and “F*** you all, get on the f****** cart you sh***”.
Lolwut responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 8:55 am #
Sadly this is the story of most payload maps. Everyones too scared of leetle boolets.
Kinrah responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 8:56 am #
http://www.mrmof.com/tf2b/index.php?t1=MORONS&t2=GET%20ON&t3=THE%20CART
ANNOUNCER AGREES.
Dont Blink responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 9:00 am #
people are too concerned about stats to play the game for the team’s health
HelisPoe responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 9:16 am #
This can also be applied to CP maps as well. Both “push” CP maps and Attack/Defense CP Maps.
“YOU WILL HELP ME CAPTURE THIS POINT!”
– Blu Soldier
APARTHEID responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 10:16 am #
Your Medic And You, Or, Why You Should Be Moving Up And Using Your Body As a Shield
madlep responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 10:42 am #
So what do we do with the cart again? I didn’t quite follow.
Tesla Tank responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 10:59 am #
Goddamn, I hate payload.
Plasto Joe responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 11:01 am #
Nice article, but you could’ve talked more about getting on the cart.
Anonymous responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 11:03 am #
I think we’re meant to avoid it, I mean it has a bomb on it, it could explode any second!
Secret Agent Clank! responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 12:17 pm #
Jack, would you kindly get on the cart?
I SAID WOULD YOU KINDLY GET ON THE CART.
Huh. No matter. I have other tricks up my sleeve.
!explode Jack
Acefighter responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 12:41 pm #
Huh? I didn’t quite hear you, could you repeat that?
Spydra responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 12:55 pm #
Some one else will do it.
Gee-Man responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 2:00 pm #
And the saddest thing about this article is that it’s probably going to actually help some people out. Maybe the average TF2 player can’t read, or doesn’t bother watching the map intro video, but for some strange reason, the one thing some players do best on Payload maps is avoid the cart.
AlphaTM responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 2:02 pm #
Heavies are great for Payload maps, because it’s like a moving dispenser they can ride on. I like to pretend it’s a…
CART SHOOTER
*Rimshot*
Comissar Cain responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 2:59 pm #
I find it amusing that they’ve put in like 5,000 cart pushing sound effects, so every second somebody is off the cart, every damned player on the team basically is screaming at you to get on the god damned Cart.
However, in fairness, sometimes your perception is skewed, and it may not necessairly be that everyone is ‘ignoring the cart’ but that the defenses of Blu team (or offense of red team) is making sure anyone who so much as looks at the cart is a pile of gib, but, well, for every time that happens there’s a time where a Soldier is standing around the corner while the stupid thing is sliding backwards and GOD JUST TOUCH THE CART YOU &*&%!%. *ahem*.
FlyingHat responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 3:10 pm #
What’s a cart?
Finally, a more than half decent post in weeks.
Crash Everett responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 3:14 pm #
“GET ON KART, STUPID” -Heavy
Small Ivory Knight responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 4:32 pm #
I can’t get on the cart, Double Jump only works on Scout!
Hurr Durr.
Grell responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 5:08 pm #
Wait, we’re supposed to get ON the cart?
That explains so much.
Jay responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 9:36 pm #
Right, let me get this straight… *counts fingers*
Get on the cart?
Red responded on 27 Jun 2009 at 10:30 pm #
I’M ON A CART
Coming Second responded on 28 Jun 2009 at 12:06 am #
5 Heavies on the cart, 2 Medics behind them. It. Is. Unstoppable.
Why more people don’t realise this I will never know.
Alec responded on 28 Jun 2009 at 12:56 am #
BOMB IS FRIEND!
COME, VISIT FRIEND!
Salith responded on 28 Jun 2009 at 3:04 am #
Crouch, Jump, Crouch.
Even Heavy can manage that with tiny legs
Corodan responded on 28 Jun 2009 at 6:10 am #
Two Scouts, one Cart.
Mmmhmmm, I went there.
Derp.
Deepsmeg responded on 28 Jun 2009 at 6:56 am #
Pyro + Cart = Fire Train
Fire Train is epic.
2 Pyros + Cart = Epic Win Fire Train
EWFT is spy proof!
Nicy responded on 28 Jun 2009 at 2:17 pm #
Does not compute.
Reverting to Strategy; Spawn Camp.
Teatime responded on 28 Jun 2009 at 11:46 pm #
Dont Blink is perfectly right.
A lot of people will rather see their team lose than risk that precious stats or *gasp* their l33t kpd.
Which, BTW, is a problem with the article. It’s neglecting the psychology of people’s motivations, and consequently the (otherwise well done) strategy guide falls short.
gelugon2105 responded on 29 Jun 2009 at 12:23 pm #
Someone is awfully cranky.
A veteran is better off telling the rookies to watch the tutorial videos first rather than yelling their brains out.
bpfinn responded on 30 Jun 2009 at 5:48 am #
The advocates of the GET ON THE CART strategy are usually caught in the NOWHERE NEAR THE CART paradox.
jrhather responded on 16 Jul 2009 at 7:05 am #
Why does ANYONE give a shit about stats anyways?
starbuzzlisa responded on 03 Sep 2009 at 2:59 am #
And what can I say that?