Hats: Valve’s hidden analogy
So, hats. We all want them. We wanna wear them, find them, boast them… But why are they included? They’re, as Valve said, purely cosmetic. Is it to make the fans happier? NO, you moron. Valve is a business. They don’t care about the fans, as the new game, L4D2, shows, despite all the FREE content, and listening to the fans, and the many bug-fixes. Only a faceless, uncaring company like EA would do those things.
Er… What was I talking about? Oh yeah! Hats!
*Ahem* After many, many hours idling, I have discovered the true meaning behind hats.
The Capital Vices. The Cardinal Sins. Of which there are seven. At this point, you may be thinking, “What is this guy smoking?” Well, let me explain.
Hats, and all the things they are a catalyst for, are analogies for the seven deadly sins. How are they related? Well, there are nine classes, right? And two of those classes were updated at the same time. What’s nine minus two? SEVEN!
ALSO! Two classes (Snipah and Soulja) have “Hats” that aren’t actually hats.
…
Okay, that was stupid. Let me continue…
The first sin is Luxuria. (Extravagance, luxury, ect.) Hats are rare. Rare things are fancy. Lavish. Wearing a hat shows off that you have it. Luxurious indeed. This sin is often substituted for Cupida, or Lust. Makes sense. If you don’t have a hat, you lust over it. You MUST have a hat. It is a LIFE AND DEATH MATTER that you get a hat. Next sin;
Gula, or Gluttony. There are two types of people in this world, each committing a fair share of sins; People without hats, and people with hats. People with hats are often very lucky. Like, so lucky they could cause a Casino to go bankrupt within hours. If these people are lucky, they often get hats. The hats take them over. They spoil themselves. They delete their hard-earned Sandviches and Backburners to get MORE AND MORE HATS. IT DOESN’T MATTER IF IT’S A DUPLICATE, THEY NEEEEEEED THE HATS. As such, they are gluttons.
Avaritia, or Greed. Pretty much the same as the above paragraph.
Acedia, or Apathetic-ness. Often substituted with Sloth or Despair. People without hats feel this a lot. After your hundredth hour idling, you get kinda depressed about your lack of headgear. I know I have. I know you have. Next sin.
Ira, or Wrath. What do you do when things go bad? When you get ambushed by a BackBurner W+M1 Pyro? When you turn a corner into a Crocket?
…
When you see someone with a hat you don’t have?
That’s right, you RAGE. And when you RAGE, you RAGE hard.
Then we have Invidia, or Envy. Rather self explanatory. You see hat wearing jerk, you feel envious.
Finally, we have Superbia, or Pride. Wearing a Hat is a statement. The kind a of statement that yells; “I NEEEED ATTENTION CAUSE I HAS A HAT.” Kind of prideful, eh?
This is my reasoning for what I know to be true. Hats are the work of the TRAIN GOD DEVIL. SAVE YOURSELVES BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!
Stumble it!
Mickyan responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 9:05 am #
“What is this guy smoking?”
GeneralGoose responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 9:10 am #
“They don’t care about the fans, as the new game, L4D2,”
Good article, but I strongly disagree with this statement.
Joe responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 9:16 am #
General: I think he was being sarcastic. The second half of the sentence gave me that impression, anyway.
LaZodiac responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 9:34 am #
All rather interesting and funny. I have a small, not article worthy, idea about hats. Their are hats you will never wear, hats that are a 50/50 chance of being worn, and hats you 100% have to wear because they are practicly upgrades to the character’s model.
Not Wearing Hats: Pyro’s Beanie. Seriously. Its…ugh
50/50 chance: Medic’s Nazi Helm, Fro Demo, Footbawl Heavy, Batter Scout, Spy Fedora (which I own =P)
Must Wear: Croc Teeth Sniper Hat, Soldier’s playing card and smokes, Engy’s mineing helmet.
AlphaTM responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 9:53 am #
What’s wrong with you, Zodiac? The Pyro’s beanie is awesome! All the hats are.
And yeah, I was being sarcastic.
Pwnshop Gaming responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 10:04 am #
Nice story. Although i think it’s a little overreacting.
ZombieWaffelz responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 10:34 am #
http://steamcommunity.com/groups/uberchargednet
WE HAVE 666 MEMBERS. ZE DEVIL IS AMONG US!
Agreed, AlphaTM, pyro beanie owns.
inumimi responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 10:46 am #
Haha
:D
Gee-Man responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 10:47 am #
LaZodiac, I don’t know about your taste in hats, but the Pyro beanie is AWESOME. What better hat for an insane pyromaniac to wear as he/she cuts down his/her burning opponents with an axe covered in barbed wire? That mental image alone is the epitome of “f*cking nuts.”
dekichan responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 12:11 pm #
If MMO=evil, ie, TF2 is not an MMO, it is an FPS that does not pander to stats and tricks to get the masses to play, then hats are the evil mmo element that Valve uses for the player base to covet.
FPS – hardcore are the most skilled (or at least, we’d like to think)
MMO – hardcore put the most time into (built into the game mechanic, and is the “substitute” of skill)
hats – rewarded generally by time played and thus an MMO element in a persistent FPS.
FlyingHat responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 12:35 pm #
The connection with the seven deadly sins is total BS.
Obviously, the hats are visages of my relatives.
gelugon2105 responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 12:58 pm #
EA once treated its employees horribly, and there’s no guarantee that it won’t do it again. Also, EA would even publish very bad games if it means they can still get some sales to profit from.
I hope that you are being sarcastic when you praised EA. But even so EA does not deserve sarcastic praises or praises of any kind.
gelugon2105 responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 1:04 pm #
Qualcuno è stato lettura Divina Commedia (di Dante Alighieri) troppo. Qualcuno ha anche bisogno di ridurre il caffè – o di droghe.
P.S. Per leggere questo commento, si prega di convertire Italiano a Inglese utilizzando Google Translate.
AlphaTM responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 1:12 pm #
Gelugon, that entire paragraph was sarcasm, and it wasn’t even sarcastic praise. People are saying Valve is becoming like EA, pumping out the same game with a different number on the end each year. I don’t think that’s true.
Corodan responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 1:15 pm #
Man, I’m so going to hell.
mew4ever23 responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 1:23 pm #
What is this guy smoking?
gelugon2105 responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 1:37 pm #
AlphaTM, I apologize for that misunderstanding. I had perceived that last sentence as an implied praise, but since you have stated that it is not supposed to be, I no longer do. I still would prefer if you would kindly rewrite that last sentence. At first glance, anyone would interpret it as a sarcastic insincere praise directed at EA – whom, I repeat, does not deserve any.
OnkelFritz responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 1:52 pm #
apathetic-ness
apathy
or did you know that?
Firepowered responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 7:25 pm #
Gelugon, your italian absolutely SUCKS. And this article doesn’t have anything in common with Divina Commedia.
gelugon2105 responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 7:44 pm #
Firepowered, actually I know nothing about Italian. I simply used Google Translate to convert English into Italian. Heh-heh. Good to know somebody actually knows some Italian in ubercharged.net.
Yes, I know it has nothing to do with the Divine Comedy. AlphaTM is only using the Seven Deadly Sins to hilarious TF2-style effect. I merely to mention that work of literature after having read quite a bit of it myself.
Firepowered responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 9:24 pm #
Oh, i see then.
Monchberter responded on 12 Jun 2009 at 11:53 pm #
I have no hats and i don’t care. Ah well.
scattergunner responded on 13 Jun 2009 at 12:55 am #
@monchberter: I completely agree with you…
kanodin responded on 13 Jun 2009 at 12:57 am #
I had a lot of hats from the hat glitch, Valve apparently stealth fixed that and took em away. they atleast left me the fedora which was always my favorite so no complaints over losing cosmetics here. How do I fit in your scale-o-sin?
AlphaTM responded on 13 Jun 2009 at 2:18 am #
Gluttony
Extravagance
And by wearing a hat (Especially the Fedora, I hate you so much for that) you are being Prideful
Sarda responded on 13 Jun 2009 at 5:07 am #
Ah, but the sins extend to the weapons as well. I, for one, have enough flare guns to legitimately bury my character model in them.
Wes responded on 13 Jun 2009 at 7:58 am #
@Zodiac:
If you don’t mind me saying; You fail.
They all have correct terms that everyone should know.
Batter’s Helm
Soldier’s stash
Pyro’s Beanie= Pure Apex of win.
Demoman’s Fro
Heavy Football Helmet
Engie’s Mining Light
Pickelhaube (how silly, a pickle hat)
Trophy Belt
Wes responded on 13 Jun 2009 at 7:58 am #
Whoops
Fedora
Spydra responded on 13 Jun 2009 at 7:52 pm #
Prussian Pickel Hat!
Also, monchberter and scattergunner, you know you secretly wish you had any hat, any hat at all. In fact, I’m almost sure the mere thought of hats haunts your dreams.
Firepowered responded on 13 Jun 2009 at 11:43 pm #
Well, i’ll just avoid to tell you how many hats i got with the glitch, or else you’ll hate me.
LaZodiac responded on 15 Jun 2009 at 5:49 am #
@Wes: Yha, I know they have offical names. I don’t particularly care. They are hats.
G newell responded on 23 Jun 2009 at 2:25 am #
AlphaTM do you noe how i can get the hats in Gmod?
Acefighter responded on 23 Jun 2009 at 1:19 pm #
-Wes:
It’s a trilby, not a fedora. Fedoras have a wide brim.