I have no Sandvich and I must eat!
As many of us know, the TF2 is based in 1968, in some rural areas (usually) of the United States (despite both of the sides being world-wide leaders in industry). Nine mercenaries were hired to fight over a variety of objectives and locations (for reasons unexplained,). We got a speedy Scout, simple Soldier, publicly dangerous Pyro, drunken Demoman, entrenched Engineer, huge Heavy Weapons Guy, maniacal Medic, steady Sniper, and the sly Spy. Two teams use variety of home-made weapons and respawn rooms. Some med-kits and ammo boxes here and there, for the war to go on as well. And, finally – the Announcer, the ominous voice. Ah, the simplicity of existence in a simple, sunny world… right?
Now, don’t take my word for it (or you’ll see me in the off-world mining colony) – but this is all too damn fishy. First of all – the war itself. It appears that the mercenaries often fight each other in control of something – something only Announcer knows everything about. Those locations are almost of no importance to a naked eye. Yes, there is a giant laser in Gravel Pit – but it doesn’t do anything in the time of the battle or once one of the teams achieves success. Those briefcases loose empty pieces of paper. The rockets don’t seem to do anything as well, beyond being there. The cart just blows up some kind of toxic waste – nothing important to a logical mind.
Then, we have the employers and the Announcer. We don’t know who those ominous corporations are. They control most of the world. And they fight each other when bureaucracy doesn’t work. But what are the problems? Why do they want those battles to be fought and the actions to be committed? Why is there no one else, anywhere? Then, there is the train… but is there anyone inside? Why is it indestructible? And finally… who is the Announcer? Why do we never see her? Why does she never have any effect on us? And why do both sides hear her… but differently?
Next – what is the relevance of “I have no mouth, and I must scream” to this subject? That story follows 5 characters that are doomed to forever be tormented by a computer who destroyed the entire human race, and only keeps those five for brutal entertainment of itself, by forcing them to feel humiliation over and over. Through cloning, life-support, and virtual reality, they are forever stuck with their memories. The computer controls their lives and they cannot escape. They cannot die, as they are cloned, again and again.
What it is and what it seems.
But what is the relevance of this to TF2? What if all of those characters don’t exist. No, there is no Scout. No Engineer. No Pyro or Soldier. What if there are 9 to 18 men and women, stuck in some laboratory, under the control of the omnipresent computer, who forces them to collide together in the numerous battles of the endless? Their memories are false and were created by the computer. And they will keep those memories, for as long as they are inside this virtual world. And thus they will fight with each other, in that false time. At those non-existent places. Unless… someone will save them.
Of course, this “Game” has connections to the psychology of human and non-biological beings. First of all – the Pyro. The “players” who “play” as Pyro, are women. But due to the computers apparent Matriarchal view (which is also shown through the announcer figure, most likely to be the computer itself), they lost their feminine side in the “game” – thus, producing the Pyro. Then, there are “Domination and Dominated” parts of the “game”. Being dominated is one of the most humiliating things, beside pain (both physical, emotional, and psychological) the “players” endure. But there is nothing more dangerous than falling from a height – and once you loose your domination over someone, you will feel the humiliation, even more painful than if you were dominated. Thus, creating a vicious circle of humiliation. To keep the “players” mentally “fresh”, their memories are blocked, every time they respawn. Thus, they can never find out what they are in the “game”, and not in the real world.
She’s watching you.
What if they are on Borealis? What if they are part of the experiment conducted by Aperture Science? If not, who created this? Is it GlaDOS, who believes that it attained the level of gods? What if the Left 4 Dead survivors are there as well? Could this be a part of Half-Life 2: Episode 3? Maybe. Maybe…
Stumble it!
Corodan responded on 27 May 2009 at 3:47 pm #
Findmuck.
J responded on 27 May 2009 at 3:52 pm #
whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooa.
Mudkipz responded on 27 May 2009 at 3:56 pm #
My head has been blown harder than the BLU Spy’s head in Meet the Spy
bertu responded on 27 May 2009 at 4:12 pm #
Boring. Bring Madlep back!
Virus-byte responded on 27 May 2009 at 4:16 pm #
WTF!
Incredible……
But I DO HAVE 11 SANDVICHES!
Bunni responded on 27 May 2009 at 4:55 pm #
Good read! I’m keen on a TF2 story mode that gives a reason for all the red vs blu HAETRED. Or Valve could release it as a different game entirely.
But maybe…maybe I don’t even want to know the truth!
Cowjuicer responded on 27 May 2009 at 4:56 pm #
Nice job, dude! Mad props for the story reference.
Herpers responded on 27 May 2009 at 5:12 pm #
This was posted months ago… Why is it back?
Small Ivory Knight responded on 27 May 2009 at 5:55 pm #
Nah, we all know who the announcer is….She’s Scout’s Mom.
Joe responded on 27 May 2009 at 6:22 pm #
If valve made a game that connected all of their other games…. i think i would have no choice but drop everything and spend the rest of my life worshiping their holy presence on this earth.
Dust Monkey responded on 27 May 2009 at 6:30 pm #
I second that motion Joe.
Zero responded on 27 May 2009 at 8:19 pm #
sounds like something that needs a mod made for it, like escaping the “tf2 matrix”
lol responded on 27 May 2009 at 8:23 pm #
… or this is just a game and in reality not even half life is true
Slipstream responded on 27 May 2009 at 9:10 pm #
What is Team Fortress 2?
Control.
Spy Guy responded on 27 May 2009 at 10:08 pm #
Ok… well if playing TF2 for real, over and over again is the best type of mental torture a computer can think of, then it sounds like the computer is somewhat defective.
TF2, for real? Forever? And ever? HELL YES!
VALHALLA!!!
Headwoünd responded on 27 May 2009 at 10:48 pm #
None of the above ever mattered to me, but something the new update brought bugs me: Payload Race.
At the last stage of Pipeline, both teams rush for the same spot give or take some yards. Once one cart is up there, it explodes in their usual fashion.
So why are we beating each others faces in about whose cart blows half the map up?
Bob responded on 28 May 2009 at 12:20 am #
Holy crap, GLADoS resembles a girl in bondage dangling from a ceiling.
Killa-Ewok responded on 28 May 2009 at 12:59 am #
Oh you clever son of a bitch
Graven_Image responded on 28 May 2009 at 4:03 am #
You read WAY to much into this crap.
And we love you for it.
Spy Guy responded on 28 May 2009 at 4:29 am #
“So why are we beating each others faces in about whose cart blows half the map up?”
Because they’re mercenaries. They get paid if they’re the ones blowing up the pipeline.
gufu responded on 28 May 2009 at 6:15 am #
Ah, nice to see the responces, guys. Thanks!
Alex responded on 28 May 2009 at 6:15 am #
I didn’t understand this
n00bie51 responded on 28 May 2009 at 7:14 am #
lol u nub cake u only found out wut IHNMAIMS was when i posted bout it in dat forum thred bout the personificaatiion of the internts or saw the top 5 leetest AI characters in gaming noob
Tesla Tank responded on 28 May 2009 at 8:05 am #
What about the ‘meet the class’ series, where do they fit in to this grand conspiracy?
LaZodiac responded on 28 May 2009 at 9:06 am #
@Tesla Tank
Meet the Class videos are implanted memories to apease those that are wondering about there exisitence.
I third the motion to have a TF2 story mode, incidently.
Sinister Minister responded on 28 May 2009 at 9:17 am #
@Small Ivory Knight: Uh, when did the Scout’s mom become the announcer? You’ve seen the pics of his mom, and the pics of the announcer. No match, no evidence.
Baejung92 responded on 28 May 2009 at 12:12 pm #
It’s been awhile since the last conspiracy theory. This one isn’t half bad. Also, nice title XD
Salmonking responded on 28 May 2009 at 2:59 pm #
You know, I was thinking something along those lines. Nicely articulated. Although wiki’ing the story proved to be a bigger findmuck than this article was, that’s for sure. o_O
gelugon2105 responded on 28 May 2009 at 4:20 pm #
“Two teams use variety of home-made weapons and respawn rooms…”
The majority of the weapons in the game are not home-made. They are likely to have been made by TF Industries’ many subsidiaries. They may have been designed by the combatants themselves, such as the Engineer (who as we know designed all his buildings), the Medic (who likely designed the Medigun and the Kritzkrieg), the Sniper (the Huntsman is probably made by himself – and of course the infamous and hideous Jarate) and the Demoman (who likely made all his explosives and perhaps designed their launchers). Even so, their designs were all likely fully funded by their employers, either directly (such as the Engineers’ toys) or indirectly (e.g. the Sniper’s Jarate is a product from his drinking of Saxton Hale’s tonics).
gelugon2105 responded on 28 May 2009 at 4:21 pm #
Er, sorry, the Sniper did not design the Jarate. Saxton Hale did. I apologize for this oversight.
gelugon2105 responded on 28 May 2009 at 4:27 pm #
You are thinking too hard. Valve did not really put much effort into fleshing out the premise of this game (Team Fortress 2), unlike what Valve did for the Half-Life saga (which is why the Half-Life games do not have ANY weapons that are as fun as those in the Team Fortress games – with the exception of the Leech, Tau Cannon, and Particle Projector of course.
Just play Team Fortress 2 and don’t give any heed to the nonsensical premise. All the digital characters under your control and others’ are there to die horribly in all sorts of ways repeatedly for your amusement.
Gufu responded on 29 May 2009 at 1:50 am #
In this post lies a lie. Twas lie was supposed to be my name… They think they aren’t right. BEGONE, SPIES!
Sarda responded on 29 May 2009 at 7:26 am #
Gelugon: you’re like the people who were complaining when the How TF2 Works articles were out. They exist because it’s fun to speculate, not because it’s important.
Bob responded on 29 May 2009 at 7:49 am #
@ Sinister Minister: There is no official announcer artwork.
gelugon2105 responded on 29 May 2009 at 7:23 pm #
I like How TF2 Works articles! I especially like madlep’s oddball hypotheses, since they make more sense. But really, wondering about the PREMISE and not the gameplay is simply futile.
Mike responded on 30 May 2009 at 6:42 am #
For the love of Crom, if you’re going to write, learn when to use “lose” and when to use “loose.” They are two different words.
Yon Assassin is my Equal responded on 24 Jun 2009 at 2:12 am #
My theory is that the teams aren’t real at all, but exist only in cyberspace as the representation of all-powerful “players” who control their every move, their brief lives and violent deaths, in real time via a world-spanning computer network.
Now isn’t that a shocking revelation?