Totally not a reference/parody article
Good evening. I am here today to talk to you about something that’s foremost in all of our minds this update week; Unlockable Items. Now of course, the big ticket item this week is the Sandman. Unfortunately, due to the new update system, many boys and girls are going to be very disappointed when they unlock a weapon this week. I, however, will not be disappointed; for you see, I have 3 Sandmen…
So what do I do first? Do I stun an enemy? Do I attempt to do a taunt kill? Do I laugh at other Scouts double jumping? The answer is of course, yes. Because, I have 3 Sandmen…
I have one for CTF maps, one for CP maps, and one for PL maps. Why? Because I have 3 Sandmen…
Now I realise that while I have 3 Sandmen, some of you out there may actually have a Sandman of your own, and be thoroughly enjoying your unlock. But, imagine how I must feel, with 3 Sandmen. I think you’ll find that I am enjoying it three times as much…
Now some of you may be thinking, “It’s okay; I didn’t really want a Sandman anyway.” And that’s true; it is okay, because you aren’t getting one. While I, conversely, have 3 Sandmen…
Let me put it like this: Imagine you have one chocolate bar, and I have 3 chocolate bars. This is like that; except, you have no chocolate bars, and I have 3 Sandmen. Also, I have this chocolate bar…
I only have two Cloak and Daggers, but I have 3 Sandmen…
Is it worth it to have 3 Sandmen when I have a broken mouse? Well I submit to you that, in time, I will get a better mouse, whereas you will never have 3 Sandmen…
Now you may be trying to cover for your lack of Sandman by unlocking Jarate. You may even say that using Jarate is just as much fun as using the Sandman. This is obviously the talk of somebody who does not have 3 Sandmen…
This graph illustrates how many Sandmen I have versus how many Sandmen you have. As you can see, your column has zero Sandmen. Whereas I have 3 Sandmen…
And so, I will leave you with these simple words to consider this update week: I have 3 Sandmen…
***
Yeah, this was a joke article. But when I got the third Sandman, I couldn’t let this opportunity go. For those of you who do not understand this article, then you clearly do not have 3 PS3’s…
Stumble it!
GeneralGoose responded on 25 May 2009 at 8:11 pm #
Yes, Paper. Sure…
I fear so much for your mental stability I’m not even gonna go on a rant.
GeneralGoose responded on 25 May 2009 at 8:14 pm #
Anyway….
GeneralGoose responded on 25 May 2009 at 8:15 pm #
I have 3 posts in a row.
GFC responded on 25 May 2009 at 8:25 pm #
I have 4 natachas, great.. i <3 new unlock system… <.< [/sarcasm]
GFC responded on 25 May 2009 at 8:25 pm #
good one lol.
Kmria responded on 25 May 2009 at 8:36 pm #
Farewell God, I have just found my new Diety, the powerful man with 3 Sandmen.
Dude, you are awesome XD
Anon responded on 25 May 2009 at 8:45 pm #
I have two Sandmen. I will never feel as awesome as a person with three Sandmen.
tf bill warbringer responded on 25 May 2009 at 8:59 pm #
I have 4 KGB, 4 backburner, and 3 huntsmen among others. crazy system
Baggie responded on 25 May 2009 at 9:13 pm #
I have 4 Flare Guns, one for each major appendege. Soon I will learn karate based moves that I can use with my 2 ubersaws, and have KGBs ON my KGBs, meaning instead of 5 seconds of crits I get 5 seconds of crit crits.
Gee-Man responded on 25 May 2009 at 9:28 pm #
Hmph! I have 2 Natashas for each of my hands which I will fire to slow my enemies down while I wield my 2 Blutsaugers with my toes!
Though I do wish I had 3 Sandmen…then I would be unstoppable as I swing them with my teeth!
BobFiretooth responded on 25 May 2009 at 9:33 pm #
Dude. You get kudos for making the “3 PS3’s” joke. I didn’t even see the link at the end of the article.
Botlam responded on 25 May 2009 at 9:37 pm #
I have 4 Sandman, that’s 1 Sandman more than you!http://img41.imageshack.us/img41/8538/rage.png
grindstone responded on 25 May 2009 at 10:22 pm #
that link should be
http://loadingreadyrun.com/videos/view/182/Three-PS3s
its orginal source – its a loading ready run video !
Jammers responded on 25 May 2009 at 10:34 pm #
Obviously “Three KGB’s” would work better.
But perhaps not. Why would one require a third glove?
Zorgulon responded on 25 May 2009 at 10:51 pm #
I am clearly better than Paper Shadow, because I, like, totally had three Sandmen before he did.
And I was so unfazed by the awe of having three Sandmen that I, like, totally deleted one of them.
metalluigi responded on 25 May 2009 at 11:09 pm #
Unimpressive…
I am far more superior.
Because see, i have 7 sandviches.
Yeah you did read right : 7 SANVICHES !!
Now what are you going to do with your lousys chocolate bars ?
Connor Lonske responded on 25 May 2009 at 11:29 pm #
Well I have 10 jars of piss. This update sucks.
GeneralGoose responded on 26 May 2009 at 12:39 am #
Unlockable items are like buses; you wait ages, then a million come along at once.
New system is fail.
Kiamet responded on 26 May 2009 at 12:53 am #
You have a sandman, and I have a sandman. My ball goes aaaaaaall the way across the room, into your medic.
I
bonk
YOUR
MEDIC!!!!
Zanpa responded on 26 May 2009 at 1:02 am #
5 KGB. I use fists.
FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Metal_Link responded on 26 May 2009 at 1:44 am #
I have 3 flare guns. Big deal.
Coded One responded on 26 May 2009 at 2:03 am #
I’ve gotten like a billion fuggin duplicates, and all I have is the crappy Razorback, and now finally Cloak and Dagger after idling overnight three times.
I love Loading Ready Run. They have some really good stuff. My other favorite is Mirrors.
“What about Nickelback?”
“Nah, they still suck”
mariomanini responded on 26 May 2009 at 2:58 am #
how did this article get approved?
Exten-z responded on 26 May 2009 at 3:35 am #
Too bad i won’t be getting a sandman whereas you have 3 sandmen…. so disappointed.
Himmelstoss responded on 26 May 2009 at 3:37 am #
@mariomanini: I see that you don’t have any sandmen, let alone three! qq m0ar
Wes responded on 26 May 2009 at 3:42 am #
Well, I would like to bring up this in response: I have 4 Ubersaws and you have 3 Sandmen.
Because that I have 4 of such and not only 3, I am thereby superior.
Along with that I also have 3 Sandmen as well.
Exten-z responded on 26 May 2009 at 3:49 am #
Oh, and what’s with the server pass?
Eran responded on 26 May 2009 at 3:56 am #
A “I have three PS3s” parody post? AWESOME
revanxp responded on 26 May 2009 at 4:18 am #
you loser… xD
I have 6 flaregun. 6 flaregun>4 sandman
Kataron responded on 26 May 2009 at 4:22 am #
I lol’ed. As soon as I heard the term “big ticket item”, I knew what was going on. I was just waiting for the cake reference. Chocolate bar works well. Now I want a chocolate bar. Carry on.
Killa-Ewok responded on 26 May 2009 at 4:51 am #
HEY GUYS WHAT’S GOING ON THIS THR-
oh wait.
Notger responded on 26 May 2009 at 5:04 am #
Great one!
Shrake12 responded on 26 May 2009 at 5:30 am #
I’m actually kind of content with this update. *Cringes in fear* The random unlock relieves me of the achievement requirements that I simply lack the attention span to grasp. All I have to do is idle for a bit and BAM! I get Jarate. Still expectant about that trading system.
I have two Kritzkriegs. I am inferior. Cannot self-terminate.
JayFirelance responded on 26 May 2009 at 6:14 am #
Yea, well…
I have FIVE sandmen.
Mudkipz responded on 26 May 2009 at 6:42 am #
Well, I can see your point of you having 3 Sandmen but I have 3 reasons to not go back to using the Bonesaw due to me having 3 Ubersaws.
orn310 responded on 26 May 2009 at 6:53 am #
wow… this reminds me of Paul, from LRR(loadingreadyrun.com), and his three PS3s
Kinrah responded on 26 May 2009 at 7:30 am #
For the record, he now has 4 Sandmen.
Raizen responded on 26 May 2009 at 7:47 am #
well , I have 5 Backburners , you don´t.
Jokerine responded on 26 May 2009 at 8:09 am #
Well screw you guys, I don’t even have TF2 installed.
Pad See Ew responded on 26 May 2009 at 8:13 am #
You’ve got that Valve humor style down pat, Paper.
Carnage responded on 26 May 2009 at 8:35 am #
I have 2 axetingusers. I also have two flare guns. I also have 2 back burners. The new unlock system, hates me in particular. I also have one forc of nature. It is awful.
I have no sandmen. I have a hole in my heart where valve used to be. I have 3 PS3’s. And this cake.
Ninjagamer12 responded on 26 May 2009 at 8:52 am #
Is it just me or does the guy in the 3 PS3s video sound like one of the guys from Unskippable? Or is he that guy!
Ninjagamer12 responded on 26 May 2009 at 8:53 am #
Never mind, it is. I just had to read the rest of the website.
Mr. Shiny Object responded on 26 May 2009 at 8:53 am #
I have 3 flare guns. Every time I die I switch them out so that none of them get dusty or over-used.
Gerkuman responded on 26 May 2009 at 8:56 am #
Ah, I needed an article to re-assure myself in my like of this blog; this came at a good time.
Also, I have one cake.
Shrake12 responded on 26 May 2009 at 10:21 am #
BRING ON THE JOKE ARTICLES!
we don’t have enough of them
tf bill warbringer responded on 26 May 2009 at 10:31 am #
update: 4 huntsmen
i hunt your mens
Sarda responded on 26 May 2009 at 10:40 am #
We had a guy on our server who changed his name so that it ended in “of the 7 Ambassadors”
I, Sarda of the 3 KGBs bow down to Paper Shadow of the 4 Sandmans. May someone come along with 5 Dead Ringers and kill us all.
Red responded on 26 May 2009 at 11:14 am #
OH MY GOD YOU GOT THE CLOAK AND DAGGER
Ninja Kow responded on 26 May 2009 at 11:26 am #
I am not as unfortunate as you think, for I have 2 sandmen…
Wazzle responded on 26 May 2009 at 11:32 am #
You guys suck. I’ve only unlocked one Razorback and the Ubersaw for the first time over about 8 hours of play over the weekend. What the hell…
orn310 responded on 26 May 2009 at 12:26 pm #
I feel allot better, for you see I have two Ambassadors… so what do I do first, do I headshot a Sniper, Do I attach a pair of wheels to it and call it a cannon, the answer to these questions is yes, for I have 2 Ambassadors.
Slipstream responded on 26 May 2009 at 12:31 pm #
6 effin’ Kritzkriegs.
Le sigh.
nineteen responded on 26 May 2009 at 12:49 pm #
I will learn to dual-wield Blutsaugers.
Also, shortly I will be jury-rigging one of my extra Nataschas to use my six surplus flareguns as barrels, creating the first high-speed long range incendiary cannon in TF2.
orn310 responded on 26 May 2009 at 1:09 pm #
That sounds like an awesome idea nineteen! … now whom would that fall under… the Heavy or the Pyro
Jokerine responded on 26 May 2009 at 1:13 pm #
@ nineteen: I demand you take lotsa screenshots when that happens! Dual Blutsaugers = Instant win.
orn310 responded on 26 May 2009 at 1:21 pm #
Dual Ambassadors beat Dual Blutsaugers any day!
(just assuming from the range… the power… and the headshot capabilites!)
Jokerine responded on 26 May 2009 at 1:29 pm #
Meh, at least Blutsaugers do not have to go through a cool-down period
orn310 responded on 26 May 2009 at 1:41 pm #
…true… (plus I have no freking idea on how to play the spy…)
CharlesMan responded on 26 May 2009 at 5:37 pm #
Oh yeah? Well I have 3…Uhh..Well, damn.
Phosphorus responded on 26 May 2009 at 5:39 pm #
I have no new unlocks or duplicate items because Valve sucks dick.
DesWombat responded on 26 May 2009 at 9:15 pm #
On the twelfth day of the update the system gave to me:
12 Freakin’ Flare Guns
11 Bloody Kritzkriegs
10 Sandmans swinging
9 Nataschas spinning
8 Bluts a-firing
7 Broken watches
6 Jars of Piss
5 SANDVICHES!!
4 K.G.Bs
3 Huntsmen
2 C&Ds
AND A VALVE SPECIAL SNIPER WHITE TEE: http://store.valvesoftware.com/tf2/tf2-tee.sniper.html
Appey responded on 26 May 2009 at 11:07 pm #
3 Ambassadors here… And I didn’t play a lot since the update – just few hours…
By the way, did you see the Spy-Sniper collaboration project? http://sleepdepjoel.deviantart.com/art/Sniper-Spy-Mega-Collab-123627050?offset=10#comments
Toakal responded on 27 May 2009 at 1:01 am #
I have 4 Sandmen
I also have 4 Dead ringers
and 4 Huntsmen
and 4 Sanviches
and 4 Kritzkriegs
and 3 Blutsaugers
and 3 Razorbacks
and 4 Flare guns
and 3 Backburners
and Screw you Valve…
ExAstris responded on 27 May 2009 at 1:52 am #
I have a natascha, a FaN (I think), and I think another sandman.
However, I do have three PS3s!
Houise.Keeper responded on 27 May 2009 at 4:55 am #
as of last night the only thing I still need is bonk! Idle servers ftw…
Lord Grey responded on 27 May 2009 at 6:45 am #
67th comment!
I have 3 bonks, tell valve that you should be able to trade items with your steam community friends
Eran responded on 27 May 2009 at 8:39 am #
At this point, each of my three sandmen also has three sandmen.
scatterguner responded on 27 May 2009 at 11:12 am #
junkpost… need more cool content
Wes responded on 27 May 2009 at 11:39 am #
And now, I too, have 3 Sandmen.
Jokerine responded on 27 May 2009 at 12:01 pm #
@scatterguner: So, will it be an argument-less post with a can of worms as side dish?
Captain Hank responded on 27 May 2009 at 9:32 pm #
4 C&D’s.. fml
Wolly responded on 28 May 2009 at 5:51 am #
Nice post…i have 2 sandmans ima under achiver and i likt the fact that u wrote a whole article talking about nothing but have those 3 sandmans.
BTW i hate the jarate lol no offence to Jar lovers
Wolly responded on 28 May 2009 at 5:52 am #
like** srry 4 typo
Wargod responded on 28 May 2009 at 10:02 am #
pff 3 sandmen … forget your 3 sandmen!
I got 5 Kritz with which i will qintruple my damageoutput and own everything in my way with my 3 ubersaws!
One for each hand and one for a head headattachment … who needs a head full of eyeballs anyway?
FEAR THE ALMIGHTY QINTRUPLE CRIT UBERSAW MEDIC! -.-
… not to mention the other 14 (!) dublicates i got … and i am still missing the huntsman and the razorback … at least i got the spy-set complete … finally …
Lawlingbawl responded on 28 May 2009 at 10:24 am #
I have gotten nothing since the update. Absolutely nothing. Even with about 16 hours of play. Yeah. And my stats don’t reflect that either. I’m just screwed by the tf2 director.
RealLifePudding responded on 28 May 2009 at 11:52 pm #
a guy in my clan got 11 sandman since the update.
and he is pissed!
Jynn responded on 29 May 2009 at 5:48 am #
I have 4 sandvitches in case your sandmen are hungry.
The will have to fight my 3 kritzkriegs for them, tho.
Himmelstoss responded on 02 Jun 2009 at 1:14 pm #
Some guy I know got 28 sandviches. :3
The Lord, Your God responded on 05 Jun 2009 at 2:09 pm #
I have 14 Sandmen. Well, I HAD 14, deleted all except one.