Team Fortress 2’s toughest achievements
Achievements. If you named only one great change that has occurred to Team Fortress 2 since its release way back when, there’s a good chance you’ll pick the inclusion of these little things. They keep those unlocks cruelly out your reach, divide the community in regards to whether they’re actually cool or not, and keep the rest of us up until 3am in the morning trying to get the last few kilometres they need for “Race for the pennant”. I fall perfectly into the final category, slaving away at the next challenge in a desperate attempt to inflate my ego, that actually just ends up with me looking really sad for spending hours trying to get the damn things legitimately. Throughout this process, though, certain achievements always seem to stay out of grasp, taunting you with their insane challenges and luring you up until the point you snap and just go and farm them all. So here’s a list of what I consider to be the toughest challenges in Team Fortress 2, and will leave you and me both crying in despair for months to come…
Oh, and by the way, I used a few ground rules in this list. For one, I ignored the official achievement statistics page when considering my choices, as the sheer amount of boosting has probably skewed the stats by a mile. Oh, and it’s almost certainly broken and completely useless anyway. Also, this list was compiled with only legitimate play in mind, so no saying you can spend 10 seconds on an achievement server to grab it. Finally, any achievement I actually have will certainly not be here, because the fact I actually stink at the game seems to suggest it can’t be THAT hard to get…
—
Now, I’m not going to witter on about every tough challenge in the Medic pack. It’s common knowledge it’s the most flawed set of the bunch, practically forcing you into very unorthodox play or impossible situations to even stand a chance of getting them in the first place. Still, achievements such as Placebo effect really do push the limits of stupidity, whichever way you look at it. Let’s start from the top – You’ve got to kill five people in one life. Not a problem for classes such as the Pyro and Heavy, but they’re actually built for combat. The Medic is equipped with a gun that shoots medicine and a total health that is, whilst respectable, still prone to disappearing in the blink of an eye. Argue it to the high heavens with the idea of the combat Medic, but the Medic isn’t meant to do that – He’s meant to support everyone else, save their lives and make that decisive final push to win the game with an Ubercharge.
This brings me to my next point – The need to have an Ubercharge ready. Really, what? I have to spend all that effort to build up something that could easily demolish the whole team if used correctly, then ignore it and go around desperately swinging my bonesaw? Not only will you probably not get very far doing this, but your team will hate you and you’ll probably end up losing and blowing up into a hundred tiny bits. So thanks for this achievement, Valve, because it’s obvious that it makes complete and utter sense.
—
Ok, Dance Dance Immolation I can live with. I have two of the three kills myself, because it’s just a case of getting lucky and finding someone who is extremely egotistical and a bit of an idiot at the same time. And trust me, the nature of this game means there’s a lot of people like that about. Still, while it’s possible, it’s not exactly common, especially in the case of a player who has gone the Spy class. After all, when playing Spy you want to get away after a kill, not leave your skinny suited self doing a stupid little waggle of the knife when the chances are you’re deep in enemy territory. Still, you think, it could happen. Find a taunting spy, puff him with a bit of flame, and celebrate another achievement done with a round of beers. Right?
Wrong. Look again – The taunt required is the one where the Spy flicks a cigarette, and that’s the taunt tied to the disguise kit. Which means you have to find a spy who’s just killed someone, has taken a second or two to switch from a lethal weapon to something that’s completely harmless, and THEN taunted. Despite my claim there’s taunting idiots out there, I don’t think there’s any that will go to this precise extreme. It’s a one-in–a-million situation, and as such is very hard to stumble across. The best bet is to find something thick enough to be taunting when the spawn gates open, but that’s again unlikely. After all, death one second into the game doesn’t look that good on the ego, does it?
—
Killing one hundred people is water off a duck’s back (See what I’m trying to do here?) to a Heavy. After all, that’s his job. However, this job does not consist of giving swimming lessons of death to any volunteers unfortunate and idiotic enough to take a dip with him. There are two simple facts in play here; The first is that 95% of maps have a distinct lack of water to them, or at least a level of water that makes the possibility of underwater battles actually feasible. The only true example is Well, due to the underground flanking routes, as 2Fort generally sees taking a dip as a rather unnecessary step of getting from A to B. However, the idea of spending many an hour in the wet sections of Well waiting for someone to approach and then run away the second you start shooting at them brings me to my next point – A Heavy in positions like this is worthless. The big guy is meant to be up at the front line killing people in a blaze of glory, not slowly chocking to death on a lungful of water.
It’s one of a number of achievements that are difficult not only because it’s tricky to do, but because doing it is a completely flawed strategy, and that’s a big no-no.
—
…Coupled with a few others such as Second opinion and (Perhaps) Block the Plate, both of which I have actually obtained. So, the question I know you’re asking by now is why these achievements are on this list. Kill a guy and then hit a button, you say? Big deal! Well, that’s the theory behind it, kids, but I’ll be damned if it actually works in practise, because these achievements are broken. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve snapped my gloves over a corpse (Stop sniggering at the back) only for the bottom right hand corner of my screen to remain stubbornly empty. I wouldn’t mind as much if it transpired I was doing something wrong in my quest to achieve the thing, but that’s not the case… I only got second opinion on about my 50th attempt, which consisted of doing the same thing I had done 49 times beforehand.
There’s a lot of discussion about the little things you’ve got to do to force the achievement gold to be revealed – Turn off auto-heal, make sure the other guy screenshots his deathcam, and so on. Perhaps these ideas work and I’ve been too stupid to realise it, but the fact these discussions have actually occurred in the first place seem to reaffirm the point that something is up. After all, what’s tougher to earn than an impossible achievement?
—
Consider this – You’ve just started a new round on Gravel Pit. You’re on defence and you’re running out the spawn, ready to kill as many as you can as soon as the set-up time runs out. Yet which way do you go – Left, towards point B, or forward on to point A? Yes, it’s probably the former, and you’re doing the same thing as 95% of your team will probably be doing. It’s just a sheer fact that point B is the easier point to defend, and is often the place where battles are won or lost. When it’s compared to point A, with it’s wide open sightlines and lack of cover when it comes to the point itself, it’s a natural choice to take… I do it myself, after all. Yet these leads to a rather bitter brew – A point that’s very difficult to defend effectively, coupled with no-one actually going to defend it, and you’ve got a situation where this achievement is a very slippery customer.
In a sense, it’s an achievement that is completely unconnected to your own level of skill – If no-one else is helping you defend A, or the attacking team doesn’t consist of a bunch of utter morons, you might as well just give up, even if you are a legendary player. But hey, you can always live in hope…
Honourable mentions
You’ll feel a little prick/Doctoring the ball – Another prime example of being forced into a play style that doesn’t work. Lack of head-on capability + accidentally running out of range of the medigun = Lots of failed attempts and crying into your keyboard.
Borscht belt – Iiiin the red corner, a slow heavy with slow fists! Iiiiiin the blue corner, a Heavy with a gun that shoots everything at close range into ribbons! ARE YOU READY? FIG- Oh wait it’s already over.
Blast assist – Because I swear every possible opportunity you have to get this one will end up in your ubering the soldier being played by the guy with no arms. Well, unless it’s this attempt. My goodness, it’s beautiful.
With friends like these… – Because we’re all sad lonely nerds. Well, at least that’s one theory…
Stumble it!
Phoenix responded on 12 May 2009 at 8:11 am #
I HATE the Block the Plate detector. It hardly ever works right, and the time I got it it didn’t trigger 5 times in a row, then triggered when I was about 2 meters away from the point.
Go figure.
The Luaper responded on 12 May 2009 at 8:15 am #
I actually helped someone get ‘Doctoring the Ball’ as I got ‘Little Prick’. I had a kritz and no one else was around except a scout, I was going to die anyways so I hit kritz’d the scout and he managed to kill three people, fun times.
Pyrit responded on 12 May 2009 at 8:25 am #
I dunno, I didn’t find the block the plate achievement that hard, and I had no problems with triggering it. It only triggers if you get a defense, not just stopping the capture.
I agree, Krazy Ivan is an awful achievement. It was unique with the Pyro and a bit more of a challenge, but -100- people for the Heavy? It’s absurd for any class. During my whole time of playing the Heavy, I’ve managed to get a grand total of one kill under water. It’s a long road ahead…
VAKinc responded on 12 May 2009 at 8:33 am #
I have all of the above achievements.
Wait no, not Krazy Ivan or Got a Light.
I feel less cool now.
Tesla Tank responded on 12 May 2009 at 8:50 am #
I got autopsy report without a hitch. I think I have impossible defense too, but I’m not sure.
I also once earned a medic kritzing me blast assist. All you need is a control point with 5+ people on it (I got a lovely 9). God bless Steel.
2tone responded on 12 May 2009 at 8:52 am #
I was THIS ****ing close to getting “With Friends Like These” on the server today…
Before Paper and Phoenix decided to go snuggle on server 2…X3
I think BarbequeQ should have received an honorable mention…not many people have the power to cause a ragequit.
Paper Shadow responded on 12 May 2009 at 9:11 am #
Hey, you asked Phoenix to come back, but he said it was full. BUT YOU DIDN’T ASK ME!
kanodin responded on 12 May 2009 at 10:35 am #
2tone: barbequeq is easier then it seems, you don’t have to have them quit right after being dominated, just need to have them still dominated when they leave, granted some people refuse to leave when they are dominated till they kill you atleast once, but others just don’t care and bam it’s yours.
Plasto Joe responded on 12 May 2009 at 11:27 am #
I would argue replacing “Impossible Defense” with “Impenetrable Defense,” if only for the reason that if I’ve somehow gotten Impossible D, anybody can do it.
In my experience, it’s INCREDIBLY hard to stop the enemy from capturing the first point on any given Dustbowl map. Only once has the team I was on come close, only to fold in literally the last minute of play.
Coming Second responded on 12 May 2009 at 11:51 am #
Placebo Effect – Yes, this one really is the daftest of the lot. Should have done them in descending order and put this one last imo, it is THAT stupid.
Got A Light? – I think Valve were just trolling us with this one. “Go on. It’d be so easy just to nip onto an empty server with a friend and get it. Course, that would mean it isn’t legit, but noone would know would they? Except you. And your friend. Go ooooooon…”
Krazy Ivan – Hell knows what they were thinking with this. It’s such a ludicrous number, and it’s not as if they’re inundating us with maps that contain water. I think they just wanted people to admire the new Heavy swimming animations. THAR SHE BLOWS
Autopsy Report – I never even knew people had issues with this. This was practically the first achievement I ever got. Ah, memories of 10 Medics storming Gold Rush. Good times.
Impossible Defence – Here’s my issue- this is NOT a stupid achievement at all. Firstly, it doesn’t unlock weaponry so it’s hard to complain about. It’s just a challenging task. Like, y’know, achievements should be. And it’s actually nowhere near impossible. The other team just have to be not very good at all.
YFALP/Doctoring the Ball – Kind’ve stupid in as much as you’ll still see Medics ubering Scouts when there are better options, but not impossible. Try kritzing a Scout who’s near the top of your team.
Borscht Belt – Sudden Death. That’s all I’m going to say.
Blast Assist – Again, a good Soldier with a kritz on a heavily populated server will get you this. Not only have I got this one legitimately, but I’ve given it to two other people.
With Friends Like These – Yes, we’re all friendless nerds. Bad achievement inasmuch as Valve pointed the fact out. :’(
Anyways, a question to the jury- which achievements did we enjoy the most? I’m going for “BarbeQueQ”, “Hotshot” and “Moonshot”.
The Scoot responded on 12 May 2009 at 2:06 pm #
Sobchak and I just joy YFALP/Doctoring the ball today. It was awesome, use a kritz.
Tea. Earl Grey. Hot. responded on 12 May 2009 at 2:15 pm #
“It’s just a sheer fact that point B is the easier point to defend”
Lies.
My specialized in A defense. Never lost a match on Gravelpit.
Secret Agent Clank! responded on 12 May 2009 at 6:17 pm #
@Coming Second: Most of them you got down. Would just like to note that not all servers use a melee-only single-class Sudden Death plugin.
That, and the chance of rolling the Heavy is 11%.
DualEagle responded on 12 May 2009 at 8:46 pm #
I have all the official achievments , the only one that took ‘farming’ was:
With friends like these…
A bunch of kids were discussing it in the lobby and everyone spammed friend requests, I accepted them all and made note of their names once the game was loading, played the round, got the achievement, removed them all.
Gelu responded on 12 May 2009 at 10:39 pm #
I once gave the “Got a light” to a pyro, it wasn´t my intention but I was trapped and I thought “let´s die with style”. Now he has a hard achievement 100% not farmed.
Venom King responded on 13 May 2009 at 12:41 am #
If I am a spy and I know I am fucked, (no medkits around, no medics etc, on fire) I will try to taunt before dying, the cig taunt. Because I’m a nice guy.
I also got Impossible Defense legitimately, and I always go on A.
writersbloc responded on 13 May 2009 at 12:50 am #
Agreed, Medic achievements that require you to play like a bonehead make no sense.
Impossible defense is probably the only thing on that list I’ve actually done.
Autopsy Report is definitely broken for me. Tried doing it with a friend who got it right away, has never worked on my end.
Petrov responded on 13 May 2009 at 3:22 am #
I actually had 9 friends of mine on a server with me at one point, but none of them finished the game with me. :/
Zorgulon responded on 13 May 2009 at 7:13 am #
Krazy Ivan, by a long chalk. While the idea isn’t bad, the number is stupidly high. I have over 80 hours as Heavy, with only 12 underwater kills. The only way I could see myself getting it any time soon would be to literally patrol the waterways for entire rounds on Well or 2Fort. Which is not my idea of a fun or worthwhile activity.
tomfin responded on 13 May 2009 at 11:30 am #
“Got a Light?” will become incredibly easy whenever the Spy update is out, and you’re moaning about it a little prematurely.
I assure you one of the Spy’s achievements will involve smoking a quick tabby on an undefended final cap immediately after the second last cap is taken – for the win. It’ll be very similar to the Scout’s “StealingnHome/Side Retired” achievements.
Vigilant pyros will achieve “No Smoking” with ease on maps such as Badlands and Granary when this happens.
Haven’t you ever had a quick ciggy while spycapping the last point? It’s a great feeling…
akasolidus responded on 13 May 2009 at 2:29 pm #
ummm.Impossible defense isnt very hard,Ive played in a pub with a very good team who have pyros and snipers strictly guarding A whilist my other half demos soldiers and medics defend B.I got 6 teamates to get it the other day with a screeny,really it isnt that hard as long as you have a good team.
Pulviriza responded on 13 May 2009 at 6:37 pm #
You say changes, but achievements were always there.
n00bie51 responded on 14 May 2009 at 1:12 am #
Not a bad story, supremesonic, I give you props for one of your better articles. (:
Borscht Belt was a blast for me, actually, and not an exercise in frustration. Yeah, if you’re in the server desperately wanting this Achievement and running around like an idiot trying to punch Heavies all the time (not saying you did this), then it wouldn’t be fun. However, I found great satisfaction in flanking my opponents and sneaking on them with delicious chunky upper-cruts.
I agree that Got A Light? is a pain; I think to help people out, next time I play as Spy I’ll taunt with the disguise-o-meter as often as possible. Just as long as they don’t boast about it excessively like arrogant jerks.
I think that Blast Assist is actually one of the more balanced, acceptable Achievements out of the Medic Pack. I don’t think I actually earned it legitimately, I probably got it in an Achievement server, but I recall multiple instances of ÜberCharging Soldiers and netting five assists or more (with both the Medigun and the Kritzkrieg), and I’ve had experiences of my own destroying five opponents or more with a Medic Übering my back (again, both with the Medigun and the Kritzkrieg). Just try to play with someone who knows that you want the Achievement and is willing to coordinate and communicate with you, preferably a friend.
I don’t mind With Friends Like These…; I’ve only unlocked it on the Xbox 360 version, and I’m proud to say I earned it legitimately when a bunch of friends joined my room and I sent a friend request to somebody who I wanted to add as a friend, not just to earn the Achievement.
tomfin, that sounds like a fantastic idea. I hope Valve will implement that.
Pulviriza, I think supremesonic’s referring to the addition of more Achievements through the Class Packs that arrived subsequent to the release of the game, not that he actually believes Achievements weren’t there at all before.
Shaocloud responded on 11 Jun 2009 at 2:45 am #
AH HAH! “Provide the enemy with a feezecam shot”
ubercharged.net – Team Fortress 2’s easiest achievements responded on 05 Aug 2009 at 11:28 pm #
[...] joy, I posted opinions on what I considered to be the toughest achievements in Team Fortress 2. You may remember it. Well, it was the sort of achievements in that list that frustrated people about the whole system, [...]
None responded on 12 Aug 2009 at 11:35 am #
I got placebo effect from an arena match, mind you it was a melee only and I used the ubersaw. That was a fun match.
Valion responded on 27 Aug 2009 at 6:34 pm #
Well, it’s not exactly _impossible_ to get Placebo Effect running a medic-medic pair with ubersaws against an unorganized team. (I wouldn’t have called this tactic ineffective, because there is simply no way to stop an uberpair if there is no one to forcibly push them back by juggling).
But the thing back then was that the medic needed to unlock _all_ the achievements before becoming able to use ubersaw. (Which led to achievement farming in the first place, farming could’ve not even become so popular, if medic’s unlocks had costed less. IIRC the only thing that I’ve farmed in my life was that ubersaw, as the medic was always my primary class.)
Personally I think that the system with 10-16-22 achievements costs for unlocks was the best, as you’d needed to make some really easy ones, few that were there for fun, a couple of short-farming achievements and some situational ones, BUT it was not exactly too simple and took a number of repetitions, so all in all it could be interpreted as some sort of training ^_^
Thomas responded on 04 Oct 2009 at 6:35 am #
Has no one mentioned pyromancer?
I’ve played a shit ton of pyro and im only a little over 10% of the way there