Wrecking Ball to the Fourth Wall
Author’s note: Loyal readers, (Have we known each other long enough, can I call you Loyal Readers, or is that too personal?) I know you must all be sick of these kinds of articles by now, but I guess the writing staff at Ubercharged.net has spring fever, and there are very few of us around, so you guys will have to take what you can get until the spring fever goes away.
Anyway, in eight months we’ll have had Team Fortress 2 in our game libraries for two years. That’s a big milestone. Two years of playing maps. Two years of updates. Two years of Demoman nerfs. We’ve had all this time to play Team Fortress 2, and observe the classes.
But what if the classes had the chance of observe us? What if they all knew they were in a video game? How would they react when exposed to Valve and the community?
Scout: I see the Scout taking the realization that he’s a video game character the best. He would get a huge ego boost over the fact that there were people playing as him all over the world. He would join the Steam forums and be annoyingly pro-sandman. Anything to give himself an edge.
Soldier: The Soldier would probably be disappointed in most Soldier players. He’d probably think anyone with less than a thirty kill streak unworthy of playing him. When introduced to the real world, he would find a job in management and whip some maggot department into shape.
Pyro: To quote the Pyro himself, “Mrph mrmm mm mp mrm mmmm!”
Demoman: Demoman would be very angry at Valve for nerfing him so much. He’d question the sensibility of nerfing the Demoman on the word of only the Steam forums. Then, finding that nobody was listening to him, he’d get drunk on the strongest booze he could find.
Heavy: Heavy would tell the Steam forum users to cry some more, then go join a real wrestling league and beat up puny babies untill he was fired for being too violent with his defeated enemies. After that, he would probably join the military. Heavy would love all those fancy new automatic weapons.
Engineer: Engineer would be one of the most unaffected by the revalation. In fact, I see him going to work for Valve. The image of him whacking away at the Half-Life episode 3 demo with his wrench is pretty funny. Maybe he’ll make it so you’ll get scurvy if you pirate it.
Medic: Medic would find no companionship with actual doctors. He would be severely disappointed with the lack of hurting within the medical practice. Perhaps he could get along with pediatricians. Most likely, he would follow Heavy into the army and revolutionize battlefield medicine with the ubercharge. Or many not, Team Fortress 2 tactics would never work in a real-life battle.
Sniper: Sick of being hated all the time, the Sniper would flee Team Fortress 2 and everything related to it. He could take up assassination and make millions, or maybe get his own reality show. “The Wankerdile Hunter.” I forsee big bucks no matter what career path the Sniper takes.
Spy: The Spy would probably be motified at this revalation. All his secret operations laid bare for the world to see. He would disappear into the real world, and no one would hear from him again… Or would they? Mysterious deaths and corporate takeovers abound.
The Announcer: Fools, she already knows. Most likely, every world leader is under the Announcer’s thumb somehow. She also runs Valve, Gabe Newell is her cofee-boy.
See you on the other side, friends.
If you have recently expierienced head truama and care about what Sheepshifter is doing these days, check out his twitter by copy and pasting the following address into your browser because he cannot figure out how to make links all fancy right now. https://twitter.com/Sheepshifter
Sheepshifter on March 30th 2009 in demoman, engineer, heavy weapons guy, medic, pyro, scout, sniper, soldier, spy, team fortress 2
Stumble it!
God of Pie responded on 30 Mar 2009 at 8:08 pm #
FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRST!!!
I have been wanting to say that for so long.
CrabGuy responded on 30 Mar 2009 at 8:26 pm #
Haaaaaaax!
Paper Shadow responded on 30 Mar 2009 at 8:48 pm #
THE HAAAAAAX!
Phase responded on 30 Mar 2009 at 10:28 pm #
Hmm…
Actually, I’m pretty sure the classes are already aware that they’re in a video game.
“Yeah c’mon ragequit, make us both happy!”
Kollega responded on 30 Mar 2009 at 10:56 pm #
Not all classes are,only Scout is. And yes, i can envision Heavy/Medic combo fighting terrorism in Afghanistan,or Engineer’s methods of “polishing” Episode Three
Demoman would certainly be very pissed about these endless nerfs (No,really. Demo is nerfed TOO MUCH. If you want to avoid impassable area denial,play something OTHER THAN Dustbowl).
…
THE WANKERDILE HUNTER %D
Operational responded on 30 Mar 2009 at 11:46 pm #
The Pyro already knows he is in a video game, which is why all his lines are muffled.
Hain responded on 31 Mar 2009 at 12:25 am #
i love the picture
Killa-Ewok responded on 31 Mar 2009 at 1:41 am #
That spy’s a bloody traitor!
Limisios responded on 31 Mar 2009 at 1:44 am #
It’s a conspiracy, perhaps they really are observing us and monitoring our strategy to gather information. (Ok, I did get that idea from ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.’)
Jokerine responded on 31 Mar 2009 at 3:29 am #
I agree with the Sniper part. I foresee some kind of Survivorman remake featuring him, jugs of coffee and some empty glass jars.
NotPigeon responded on 31 Mar 2009 at 6:32 am #
Yeah, the Scout already knows.
Personally, I like to think the Spy already knows, too. He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who’d be fooled by a little thing like the fourth wall.
Xander responded on 31 Mar 2009 at 7:12 am #
I’m fairly certain the Soldier knows as well…
The cries of “CUH-RIT!” do anything for ya?
The Spy responded on 31 Mar 2009 at 7:23 am #
Gentlemen.
I believe it would be wise to ask,
Are you playing us..? Or, are we playing you?
Cheers,
The Spy
Secret Agent Clank! responded on 31 Mar 2009 at 7:35 am #
^
Uh oh…
Mudkipz responded on 31 Mar 2009 at 9:21 am #
The players watch over the classes, but who watches the players? Maybe its…
THE SPY BEHIND YOU!
You totally looked behind you when you read that didn’t you?
Also, you should add The Announcer. She sems the most likely to both know and accept that she is in a video game.
Corodan responded on 31 Mar 2009 at 9:33 am #
“C’mon, RAGEQUIT! It’ll make us both happy!”
“This map ain’t big enough for the two of us!:
The Scout knoooows.
The Spy responded on 31 Mar 2009 at 11:06 am #
Certainmont, Madame Announcer introduced us to this wonderful world you call reality.
But you know, were I to be behind you, by the time you had finished you would most certainly be dead. In fact, while you are reading this now you may be being observed… I would not look away from the screen, pard-ner.
Cheers, gentlemen.
The spy
Lord Grey responded on 31 Mar 2009 at 11:17 am #
Imagine if the engi actually started working for Valve…But imagine if the SOLIDER started to work for valve?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU LAZY SCUM-SUCKING MAGGOTS?
…
…..
I DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR GODDAMN COFFEE BREAK, work WORK WORRRRK!!!!!!
Sheepshifter responded on 31 Mar 2009 at 11:30 am #
Added in my thought about the announcer, plus my Twitter account if anyone is interested. (Can’t imagine why anyone would be, but I like to think they would.)
Slipstream responded on 31 Mar 2009 at 5:43 pm #
“Ragequit, it’ll make us both happy.”
“MARK! THE SCOUT! HE JUST- DUDE! THAT’S- WHAT?!”
I was mildly surprised when I heard the Scout break down that fourth wall of ours.
Paper Shadow responded on 31 Mar 2009 at 10:42 pm #
You got a three day ban? When did bans have time until you get unbanned? I thought you just get owned by Akismet and then wait for one of the admins to wake up and then bug him over Steam…
Sheepshifter responded on 01 Apr 2009 at 7:22 am #
Sorry to say, I was talking about a different forum. Ubercharged is still second, but rising fast these days.
Xbox player. responded on 06 Apr 2009 at 1:51 pm #
The scout would go into baseball, and when he grows old, he will get the sniper to kill his most hated team, The New York Yankees. But before he completes his mission, he would get backstabed by my little french friend. The scout would soon fall after, along with the Boston red socks, and that’s why the Yankees have no new stadium.