TF2: Meet the Class in Reality
As odd as the Team Fortress 2 classes are, whether it be the drunk Demoman or silent but deadly spy, they are not so different from the very people we meet in our every day lives.
Besides from the fact that they kill people for certain secret color-coded organizations run by a particularly dominating middle-aged woman, they exhibit traits that I’m sure many of you have seen in people. In reality. In fact, I think that Valve had certain people in mind when they dreamed up this colorful band of cartoonish characters!
The following will detail certain jobs that these classes may hold (so you can go looking for those people), their personalities (remind you of any of your friends? Acquaintances?), and the likability factor that will see how well you can get along with them.
Here is your chance to meet the class- in reality.
The Scout
Personality and Traits: Foul-mouthed, very cocky and belligerent. Very arrogant and proud to display some sort of athletic ability. Tends to be skinny, young (in the 20s or even adolescent), and white. Likes to workout by jogging and listening to headphones.
Likely Jobs: Cashier, baseball player, track star, UPS brown shirt messengers, newspaper delivery boy, stand-up comedian
Likability Factor: 3 out of 5 if you don’t go picking fights or arguing with him. 2 out of 5 if you’re big.
The Soldier
Personality and Traits: Has a “growling” voice, tends to be the dominating voice. Appears to be late 20s, or 30s. Always seems to wear the same clothes everyday (usually army-related). Always seems to conserve food by eating canned food and rations. Tends to be tough, aggressive, yet not in a cocky sort of way.
Likely Jobs: Soldier, coach, one of those people who encourages people to work out more often at the gym, drill sergeant
Likability Factor: 3 out of 5 if he doesn’t know you that well. 2 out of 5 if he does.
The Pyro
Personality and Traits: Incomprehensible, always seems to be occupied with something else. Anti-social, questionable gender. The guy or girl who’s always there but never noticed. The misfit or outcast
Likely Jobs: ?
Likability Factor: N/A if you don’t know him and he/she doesn’t know you. Varies based on the pyro’s mood at a certain day.
The Heavy
Personality and Traits: Big. Huge. Silent, but unusually violent. Does whatever he wants, because nobody wants to mess with him/her. Gets caught up in bloodlust quite easily when aroused. Surprisingly violent. Likes all sorts of food and being well.
Likely Jobs: Bouncer, PE coach, wrestler, the “silent” bully, chef, patient or guinea pig for experiment
Likability Factor: 5 out of 5 if you’re a doctor or fellow “comrade.” N/A if not noticed
The Demoman
Personality and Traits: Always on the wrong side of the bed every morning. Clumsy, and hurts himself/herself quite easily. Likes fireworks and loud noises. Has an addiction to alcohol and/or always doing something that could really hurt. Has erratic mood swings; jolly at times, surprisingly violent at other times. Mixed race.
Likely Jobs: Demolition, bomb squad member
Likability Factor: It all varies.
The Engineer
Personality and Traits: Laid-back, relaxed, “cool,” never in a rush. The studious, quiet kind of student. Most likely to win the National Science Fair. Doesn’t seem to be too refined or genteel by others. Usually has a drawl, loves parties. Some innuendoes involved. Sexual orientation questionable?
Likely Jobs: Scientist, college professor, physicist, engineer, architect, builder, weapons and ammunition specialist, army engineer
Likability Factor: 4 out of 5. Can get along with most people.
The Sniper
Personality and Traits: Like the pyro, except not seen around that much. Always looking at something far far away. Quiet, hard to find at certain times, though he/she may stay at certain places for long periods of time. Anti-social. Never seems to use the restroom at all.Very patient and still.
Likely Jobs: Surveyor, recon officer, voyeur, guy who looks for cheating couples on Valentine’s Day, eye doctor.
Likability Factor: 2.5 out of 5. Not social at all.
The Medic
Personality and Traits: Always has intellectual criticism, harsh words. Most likely to make some people cry. Has good medical knowledge, though he/she can be very rough and unsteady with hands. Second smartest in class. Hangs out with the tougher, bigger people for protection.
Likely Jobs: Doctor, pharmacist, surgeon, corpsman
Likability Factor: 2.5 out of 5. Again, not too many kind words. 5 out of 5 if you’re big.
The Spy
Personality and Traits: Like the sniper, never seen around. In fact, things happen when he or she doesn’t seem to be around. Anti-social. Very refined, has aura of superiority wherever he or she goes. Most likely to die of first-hand smoking. Hangs out with girls, though they end up getting dumped almost immediately. Very bad at fixing electronics, let alone handling them.
Likely Jobs: guy who looks for cheaters, playboy, gourmand, CIA, critic
Likability Factor: 5 out of 5 if you’re a attractive, usuable girl. Other than that, 2.5 out of 5.
So the next time you see your little brother break your PSP within a few seconds or a classmate transport his or her essentials from one place to another quickly through the use of a machine that utilizes quantum physics, just remember- everybody has a little bit of the Team Fortress 2 classes in them.
Stumble it!
Paper Shadow responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 9:20 am #
Your idea of a real Scout reminds me of Curley from “Of Mice and Men”…
n00bie51 responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 9:27 am #
And the Heavy could possibly bear a resemblance to Lennie.
kanodin responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 9:32 am #
And the engineer is an amalgam of all the other farmhands.
n00bie51 responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 9:34 am #
I can actually make some connections between the Demo Man and Crooks. They’re both handicapped.
lollerskates responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 9:35 am #
You should make the possible job for Pyro as “drive through guy” or McDonald’s fry cook.
kanodin responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 9:41 am #
You know what else is interesting, trying to apply these to yourself, i.e. which one is closest to you.
As an excessively verbose Texan who is usually laid back but yells dammit alot when he starts losing, I am closest to the engineer.
Ravelle responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 9:52 am #
The snipers job is most likely Wild hunter, seeing his outfit and Machete and Sniper Rifle, I don’t know why he carries around a SMG though.
And not using the toilet? That’s kind of hard, ever seen the Meet the sniper vid? All that mugs of Coffee must have an effect on his stomach =P
Secret Agent Clank! responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 9:57 am #
I’m a mix. I doubt anyone’s exactly one class XD.
Spy, Sniper, Engineer, I’d say.
Dan responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 10:00 am #
I’d say I’m most like the heavy. I was going to go with demoman but I really hate loud noises. Big, quiet. I tend to be a bit more intellectual than the Heavy though.
noser responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 10:06 am #
i think for medic, you were searching for the word “mortician”.
Also, under likely jobs for pyro, put News Presenter.
Regulars should get it.
Teridax responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 10:13 am #
How I apply:
Scout: I’m a pre-pubescent (14 year-old) American prick. I can relate to him.
Soldier: Not really.
Pyro: I’m slightly deranged. I’d probably apply.
Demoman: Meh.
Heavy: I do have russian origins, as well as a love for really BIG guns. I could qualify.
Engineer: I’m a nerd, I love tech and I’m fairly calm. Unless you touch my stuff.
Medic: I like helping, and I can get nasty with the words. Other than that, nein.
Sniper: Nah. I don’t even play the class.
Spy: Hell yeah. I’m half french, have an evil streak (kinda), and like doing the Spy stuff. Also I’m great with the ladies (when I pay them a sum of money totalling about 10 digits or so).
Salmonking responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 10:28 am #
Engineer: “Some innuendoes involved. Sexual orientation questionable”?
I am confused by this. Did I miss something here?
Teridax responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 10:35 am #
To Salmonking: It’s because he pretty much acts like a kid with toys, I guess. Still, if anyone’s gay, it’s the Heavy with the Medic.
Salmonking responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 10:57 am #
Well, I gave it some thought, and I guess “take it like a man, shorty” /would/ qualify as shady innuendo, but… still, I wouldn’t question his orientation based on that. Bit of a stretch.
Coded One responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 11:12 am #
Craaaap… I’m the Scout…
Does that make me a bastard?
xeno responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 11:26 am #
“Heavy: I do have russian origins”
“American prick.”
“Spy: Hell yeah. I’m half french,”
here’s the part where you tell us you’re originally from mars.
(no, really)
Sirus responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 11:44 am #
I’m probably closest to the Engineer. I’m interested in science and technology, I’m fairly quiet and laid back, and “dammit” is about the strongest curse word I use in public. As a kid, I loved to build things out of legos, and I still like to tinker with stuff to some extent. I’d never be able to get 12 PhDs, however. I’m a lazy genius
Acefighter responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 11:47 am #
Same.
SteveBurger responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 11:56 am #
“some innuendos involved.”
Ah, I get it. He does use some unusual emphasis when he says “Eerectin’ a dispenser”
Acefighter responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 12:03 pm #
Plus “Come here, sissy!”, “I’m gonna beat you like a rented mule, boy!”, etcetera. But hey, nothing wrong with that. Everyone is gay for Medic, after all.
Anonymous responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 12:04 pm #
Engineer’s sexual orientation doesn’t need questioning. The scout’s does, however. I am gay, by the way, so don’t flame me for homophobia. I’m just presenting the facts.
http://tf2wiki.net/wiki/Scout
“The youngest of eight boys from the south side of Boston, the Scout learned early how to problem solve with his fists. With seven older brothers on his side, fights tended to end before the runt of the litter could maneuver into punching distance, so the Scout trained himself to run. He ran everywhere, all the time, until he could beat his pack of mad dog siblings to the fray.”
As you can see, he has seven older brothers.
“Previous research had revealed the more older brothers a boy has, the more likely he is to be gay” – Source: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/5120004.stm
He also wears an extremely tight red T shirt with no sleeves despite being very skinny. My gaydar is already off the charts.
Scout’s psychoanalysis:
“Of all the 9 members, Scout was easily the most annoying, consistently pestering me to see what I was writing down on my clipboard.
“Whatcha writin? Whatcha writin ‘dere? I wanna see!”
Eventually I told him to stop bugging me about it, and he became very defensive.
“Oooohh, big guy ‘dere! What?? WHAT?! Y’think y’so big witcha fuckin’ notepad and…yer fuckin’ NOTES? Look at the big guy ‘dere! College guy! Lemme tell y’somethin bruddah, I been where the action is. I grew up knee-fuckin’-deep in it. You wouldn’t last a fuckin’ minute, puss!”
I had to muster up all my training as a psychoanalyst in order to ignore my annoying patient. Moving away from the subject I asked up about his teammates.
“Pff. Buncha dinks, all of ‘em. Lemme tell ya somethin’, guy…Dis whole team here? Not necessary, brah. Jus’ put me out ‘dere all alone. I can get all the intelligence needed, and them wusses on th’ other side won’t even know I was ‘dere.”
With that he began to flex his arm muscles.
“I mean look at that, eh? Heh. That’s beautiful, innit? Thing of beauty.”
In spite of any other questions I asked him, he chose to ignore me, in favor of complimenting himself and flexing his muscles some more, at which point I opted to end the interview right then and there.
Diagnosis:
Scout is a textbook case of narcissistic personality disorder to be sure, but I was intrigued by the other minor neuroses I was able to detect in him. He showed vague signs of **homoeroticism** in the way he handled the small aluminum bat he brought with him to the meeting, and the way he kept bragging to me certainly implied some sort of way of compensating for SOMETHING. (Histrionic Personality Disorder?)”
Source: http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/9.88952
Furthermore, the “Meet the Scout” video has gestures very similar to Cobra Starship’s video “I Kissed a Boy”, in which the guy also has a baseball bat which he makes homoerotic gestures on.
Cobra Starship’s “I Kissed a Boy”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-oi4yKFOLcg&fmt=22
Valve – Meet the Scout: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eaE-_GDbmQ&fmt=18
Scout Kissed a Boy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XmP0FakTE0&fmt=18
Ohrice responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 12:16 pm #
@Anonymous
…you certainly did your research
Confetti responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 12:30 pm #
I’m tempted to link to the Scout/Engineer slash porn fanfiction, LOL.
Salmonking responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 2:43 pm #
Anonymous: that was a thing of beauty.
Confetti: Oh god please don’t. XD
tanki54 responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 5:44 pm #
Engy: ‘come on, fellars’
Dust Monkey responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 6:07 pm #
I’m a bit of an engy cause I tend to get along with people. But probs most like a sniper, + I’m Aussie.
Teridax responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 6:28 pm #
To Xeno: My mom’s French and my dad’s a Russian immigrant to the US. You got a problem with that? From your post I deduce you’re an 8-yeat old Republican living in Castro Street, with penis issues.
Lol Anonymous certainly came up with a convincing argument. Maybe he just has an inferiority complex. Or he is gay. Going around hitting people with a phallic bat screaming “Bonk” all the time does arouse questions.
Marx responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 6:39 pm #
Screw this. Class is a bourgeois concept.
Infringement responded on 20 Mar 2009 at 12:06 am #
All I can say is.. y’ listenin’? Okay. Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and brother?
I’m totally a scout. A little Italian meany scout, with a bit of the pyro.
Mr. Noobinator responded on 20 Mar 2009 at 12:12 am #
“Gets caught up in bloodlust quite easily when aroused. ”
you sir, just made my day
hain responded on 20 Mar 2009 at 12:57 am #
@Anon: I think you should write here. I would like to see articles like that. Amazing.
Dark Master responded on 20 Mar 2009 at 1:42 am #
Did anybody else notice that most people are saying they are similar to the more ‘normal’ classes? Everyone is a engineer or a scout with a sprincle of heavies. Also notice that there are no pyros, snipers, or demoman, the fringe classes of sociaty.
Killa-Ewok responded on 20 Mar 2009 at 2:01 am #
@Teridax
He simply implied that your multinationality was hard to believe. No need to go to the sexual zone.
Teridax responded on 20 Mar 2009 at 2:52 am #
Sexual zone??? This thread’s taking a whole new turn…
Btw how can multinationality be hard to believe? Everybody has a bit of foreign blood in them.
@hain: Agree. He could also qualify as our first openly gay contributor. That could certainly be interesting, as well as make other people come out of the closet (not thinking about anyone here in particular).
Also, it’s kinda hard assimilate yourself to a mute, genderless psycho. A drunk loudmouth maybe, a lone wolf as well, but a Pyro’s hard to identify, let alone relate to.
Salmonking responded on 20 Mar 2009 at 3:21 am #
I actually identified most with the Pyro. >>
But talking about it on here gave me the uncomfortable sensation that I was back in seventh grade talking about Quizilla quizzes.
Really, all the classes are kind of criminally insane, though, so…
Killa-Ewok responded on 20 Mar 2009 at 4:59 am #
@Teridax
Now that we’re on the topic of multinationality, I’m a fucking mongol.
Teridax responded on 20 Mar 2009 at 6:06 am #
You’re a mongol? Nice.
Everyone post their nationality. I wonder if anyone here’s Irish, in which case happy St Patrick’s Day (a little late for that though).
Killa-Ewok responded on 20 Mar 2009 at 7:07 am #
I’m not actually from Mongolia, Genghis Khan is my ancestor or something.
Lord Grey responded on 20 Mar 2009 at 7:13 am #
my roommate is defiantly a cross breeded scout-demoman, me? The demoman, except with less alchohol.
Anonymous responded on 20 Mar 2009 at 7:46 am #
Soldier. im a clean freak, and order is a nessesity in my life.
im not above calling other people girl names however.
Danielle responded on 21 Mar 2009 at 1:08 pm #
I always thought (from the Pyro’s taunts), that he’d make a good prop comic.
Dan responded on 21 Mar 2009 at 1:53 pm #
@Danielle
Carrot Top or Gallagher… i could see the Pyro doing similar work.
ASD responded on 21 Mar 2009 at 4:54 pm #
Killa-Ewok: You along with 16 million people worldwide.. :p
Sehnheiser responded on 22 Mar 2009 at 11:23 am #
Now, this might sound odd, but I guess I’m something between the Engineer and the Sniper, only with a lot less Aussie-ness.
This was a very interesting read. One of my classmates reminds me of the Scout, in fact. He owns a pair of yellowish headphones, wears dog tags and stuffs all his belongings inside a messenger bag. Darnit, I even saw him carrying a bat around once. Wonder if he’s ever heard of TF2… Either that, or I’m just seeing things and the guy doesn’t even exist.
2tone responded on 22 Mar 2009 at 8:06 pm #
I would imagine the Pyro as being an overweight nerd.
The Hadoken taunt (shotgun/flaregun)
The Tusken Raider taunt (both flamethrowers)
The Guitar Hero taunt (Or just plain geeky air-guitar)
For all we know he could be screeching 1337-speak under that mask.
Acefighter responded on 27 Mar 2009 at 12:53 pm #
@ Anonymous
That was great. Thanks for the link.
CO3PEB??? responded on 24 May 2009 at 11:14 am #
?? ????? ????, ??? ????????? – ??? ?????? ???? – ???????????? ??????.
TwistedRoses responded on 19 Aug 2009 at 3:24 am #
I’m exactly like the Demomaaan!
(Eeeexcept I’m peurto rican and a girl–SHIT…)