HowTFWorks- Medical Mysteries
Well, with the scout update already released, evaluated, ripped apart, reviled, praised and ignored by pretty much the entire community, I think we need some silly science to cheer everyone up.
I’ve decided to go with a more episodic route with the series, with a specific topic each post. So, today’s topic: Medical Mysteries: the medic, and the health system in general.
Pain Tolerance aka Not Dying When You Should
So, I’ve seen that quite a few of you want to know why people don’t explode instantly on contact with a direct rocket, or how the scout keeps running despite several pistol shots to the knees. The answer is quite simple.
Armor and Force fields.
Yes, each class has his own armor system on his person. The armor isn’t really “armor” in the sense of Gordon Freeman’s HEV suit, but more of a complex force field system. The armor doesn’t stop rockets, explosives and BABY BOOLETS from harming its user, but it does keep him from falling apart. While a rocket to the face will horribly disfigure any normal human being, those using the TF Industries armor field will only experience the horrible, blinding initial pain of the rocket, but none of the lasting damage or dull pain.
The armor has a limited energy source that represents itself as “HP.” When the HP is spent from damage, the armor basically says “screw it” and gives up on the wearer, causing his body to collapse. Thus, taking three rockets to the face won’t kill a heavy immediately, but if he so much as looks at a sharp piece of paper, all of his previous injuries catch up with him and he dies instantly.
All of the armor fields are not the same, though. The scout, engineer, sniper and spy all use the standard-issue armor, while the rest of the soldiers use their own modified armor system. The heavy has the most advanced, which allows him to punch a helmet-wearing soldier in the head with his bare fists with no repercussions.
The Medigun
Ah, the medigun. Such an elegant and complex piece of technology. While it is easy to believe that the medigun simply emits a beam of magical medicine, that is simply not the case. The medigun in fact emits a compound of stem cells and blood plasma in a gaseous form that is directed by a magnetic field and electricity (This compound will henceforth be called “magical medicine gas”). The gas is absorbed by the skin and quickly heals any injuries and douse flames. Also, the medigun has another interesting feature. It absorbs damaged material off of a person’s body when it is latched onto them. These damaged cells are stored and later used to help power the ubercharge.
So, the medigun is less like this:
And more like this:
The Overheal
The overheal is a strange aspect of the medigun. Once a person has been fully healed, they also gain a bit of extra durability for a few minutes. The stem cells released by the medigun, if they aren’t immediately replacing damaged tissue that is being removed by the medigun, will hang out on the surface of the body and absorb a small amount of incoming damage. The residue will eventually dissolve after remaining out in the open for a moment.
Charge Rates
The ubercharge is created from two sources: energy and “pure” stem cells (henceforth known as “ubercells”). The energy portion of the charge is generated by the medigun itself, and is what is charged while the medic is healing a healthy patient. The ubercells, however, are a bit harder to procure. While they are generated very slowly by the medigun itself, in which case they are simply residue of the magical medicine gas, they are also made from the damaged cells that are absorbed from a patient. The medic cannot take healthy ubercells away from a patient without seriously injuring them, so he has to wait for them to be injured by an outside source to let his “weapon” do its thing.
The Ubercharge
The Ubercharge. Eight seconds of invulnerability. The ultimate goal of the medic during any combat situation. When the uber is activated, the medic simultaneously releases both the ubercells stored in his medigun along with all the energy that has been collected. The energy is directed into the patient’s personal energy field, supercharging it and making it absorb impacts. The ubercells are released into both the patient and medic, making any injuries that somehow slip through the energy fields regenerate instantly. The charge, sadly, can only last for a few seconds due to the very limited capacity of the medigun’s ubercharge storage container.
Other Medical Equipment
The Kritzkrieg
The kritzkrieg is an interesting piece of technology. It charges much faster than the medigun because of a simple fact: it doesn’t have to absorb ubercells. Instead, it is rigged so that all of its systems are focused on generating energy. When the kritzcharge is released, its energy is directed into the patient’s weapon and nanobot factory, forcing the critical hit effect. The kritzkrieg can only work for eight seconds, otherwise the nanofactory and weapon would quite literally melt the patient.
You can’t even see my meticulously-posed Kritzkrieg. Stupid fire.
The Ubersaw
The Ubersaw is simply a way for the medic to break rule number one of the ubercharge: don’t take living cells away from patients. Since he doesn’t really give a crap about enemies, the saw allows him to make his own ubercells by ripping them out of the other team.
Above: Science and poorly-posed Gmod models.
The saw absorbs any ubercells that come into contact with the little needle thingy. When the saw is put away, the ubercells are released and stored in the medic’s backpack for future use.
The Blutsauger
(Conspiracy theory)
The Blutsauger was the result of the medic’s little experiments in the occult. He made a deal with a demon that for every bit of damage he caused an enemy with the bluts, the demon would heal some of his own health. The demon gets blood or something from the needles, I guess.
(Actual theory)
Upon striking, the blutsauger syringes pull back and absorb blood plasma from the target and use a miniature teleport system to transfer it back to the medic. This plasma doesn’t heal quite as well as the stem cells, but it does work…somehow.
Medicine and health packs
I probably should have explained how these work earlier. Anyways, the various health packs laying about the landscape are both stem cell supplements and energy chargers. They give both health and power the force field of whoever steps on them back up. Simple as that.
So, that’s all for today’s episode of HowTFWorks. Next time, we’ll be Solving a Practical Problem. Just go ahead, guess who it’s about. I dare you.
Stumble it!
tanki54 responded on 16 Mar 2009 at 8:18 am #
First!
Zorgulon responded on 16 Mar 2009 at 8:26 am #
Delightfully silly, and with some awesome pictures too. Particularly the first and last.
The Luaper responded on 16 Mar 2009 at 8:29 am #
Can’t wait to here your explanation of the Spy’s paper masks.
Ravelle responded on 16 Mar 2009 at 8:30 am #
Another mystery solved by Science! But how to explain the spy’s knife that instantly kills you when stabbed in the ‘back’.
Graven_Image responded on 16 Mar 2009 at 8:32 am #
@Luaper: isn’t it obvious? the Classes are all incredibly gullible. ‘cept for the ones who spy check.
BJ Blazkowicz responded on 16 Mar 2009 at 9:18 am #
Haha, I love these!
hr.morgaes responded on 16 Mar 2009 at 9:19 am #
Explain why every class is so incredibly flammable that a single burst from a flamethrower will set them on fire despite them having force field shields.
Sarda responded on 16 Mar 2009 at 9:33 am #
hr.morgaes:
The shields don’t protect against oxygen, otherwise the classes would suffocate almost immediately after coming back through the SPAMR.
JohnArnie responded on 16 Mar 2009 at 9:42 am #
@hr.morgaes the energy fields are highly flammable.
@Ravelle The force fields must allow things to get to the user (e.g. food). To avoid ever having to remove the force field the back registers certain motion and contact patterns via tiny microprocessors hooked up to detectors. When these patterns are registered that section of the force field deactivates, allowing things to gain contact with the user. The item is then transported through the space between the force field and the user (like a squirrel in your coat) to it’s destination*. Unfortunately, these patterns greatly resemble that of a knife striking downwards, and so a knife in the back at the right angle will deactivate that area of the force field. The spy uses this and plunged his knife into the spine and through several major arteries causing instant death.
Does that explain it?
*The Sandvich’s olive contains a miniature radio wave transmitter which deactivates the mouth part of the force field.
Ravelle responded on 16 Mar 2009 at 10:23 am #
It does , there’s one thing that still floats around in my mind though when stabbed in the back you fly 10 meters into the froward direction, I’ve never seen that before ;p
abbe responded on 16 Mar 2009 at 10:47 am #
This is great, just absolutely great.
mew4ever23 responded on 16 Mar 2009 at 12:48 pm #
Just what we needed to break apart the Scout Update dissection. I thoroughly enjoyed this. How do headshots factor into this?
Next I bet is why whacking engineer buildings with a wrench heals them, Dispenser technology, and How the engineers HUD works.
@JohnArnie: Facestabs and Sidestabs are lacking from your explanation.
Secret Agent Clank! responded on 16 Mar 2009 at 2:06 pm #
Clank eagerly awaits your next part. Ask these nice people here whether they approve of you using whatever they say.
Including me! @Ravelle: Special high frequency vibration blade which goes right through the force field. Doesn’t work from the front because the Spy cannot reach far enough to penetrate the field far enough (being blocked by arms and weapons and such), and is thus only cuts. Very expensive, so cannot be produced in anything larger.
Kollega responded on 16 Mar 2009 at 3:44 pm #
The Achilles’ heel of commenters-made “backstab theory” is you know what? Heelstabs,ba-dum-tish.
@author:”silly science” is actually Medic’s main occupation. But anyway:
Q: How TF2 works?
A: It just WORKS.
Thing is,TF2 is absolutely unrealistic,and has very little grounding in reality – and it’s unique spy-tech style was made for “justifying” unrealistic game elements,such as disguise kit of a Spy,or Dispensers violating Second Law of Thermodynamics. So it just WORKS,not really needing any explanation,even stupid science one.
Wolf Plague responded on 16 Mar 2009 at 8:32 pm #
Saurous:Next time, we’ll be Solving a Practical Problem
Just use a gun. And if it doesn’t help – use more guns.
Acefighter responded on 16 Mar 2009 at 9:02 pm #
Mew4ever, the HUD is in his goggles.
mew4ever23 responded on 17 Mar 2009 at 2:09 am #
No, I meant how does the building monitor work?
Dr. Mikard responded on 17 Mar 2009 at 3:45 am #
Herr Saurous, as much as I enjoyed and liked your article, I found one thing strange. Namely, the explanation of how the Blutsauger works. Most of the Actual Theory is correct (as the pact with a demon is an absurd), but the syringes use a super complex nanotech to convert the temperature of the victim’s body into energy that’s sent to the regeneration device located into the Medic’s backpack, which in turn spends the energy on healing its user more effectively. So, to put it simply, every hit done with the Blutsauger has an effect similar to boosting the Medic’s regeneration. That’s all, and your article is just made of win.
Sarda responded on 17 Mar 2009 at 10:21 am #
@kollega
you obviously don’t get the point of these articles
Kollega responded on 17 Mar 2009 at 3:40 pm #
I do get it. But TF2 dosen’t goes well with that kind of silly science. It’s just… too silly?
Kollega responded on 17 Mar 2009 at 4:15 pm #
I mean “science”,not TF2.
John Arnie responded on 18 Mar 2009 at 4:39 am #
@mew4ever23 It’s a glitch in which the microprocessors mistake other parts of the forcefield as the back.
@Secret Agent Clank Hey, get your own TF2 logical holes to fill. ;P
Spider-Donut-Face responded on 18 Mar 2009 at 10:18 pm #
I think we all know that scientists should stop mucking around with poxy little “cures to cancer” or “space travel” and should really get to work making this stuff happen.
And if all the scientists knuckle down nice and hard, then we might just be able to finish the Gulf War with a victory.
Because those Insurgents just can’t heal themselves with stem cells!
Sarda responded on 19 Mar 2009 at 9:13 am #
Kollega:
These articles exist *because* it’s too silly for science. Kind of like how Monty Python exists *because* it’s too stupid for the elitists.
Anonymous responded on 20 Mar 2009 at 8:47 am #
The Blut works through wi-fi.
silly.