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So here we are, TF’ers. Four class updates in with at least five more yet to come.

The theme of each update is always the same. Servers from Alaska to New Zealand fill with overwhelming numbers of a single class. First it was medics. Then it was pyros. Then it was heavies. Now, it’s scouts. But what happens to those of us who are not interested in farming achievements to get the new weapons on the first day (i.e. those of us who farmed 22 achievements on our own private server and pretended not to care)?

While many may lament the excessive numbers of scouts ineptly running about playing with their new toys, it means wonderful things for a crafty player. I was not the first person to discover that buildin’ a sentry was the ideal response to the inevitable scout rush on Dustbowl. Heavies who had earlier rejected Natascha were showing up at her doorstep with flowers and apologies, at least until they realized that she was not the not the woman she used to be. For two or three glorious scout-filled days, it has been open season for the sly among us who, rather than complain, have instead decided to look upon this event as an opportunity.

In anticipation of future updates, I have taken the time to form a preliminary analysis regarding in what ways the elite can capitalize on the situations pursuant to the updates yet to come. Without knowing what future tweaks and unlockable items will come with them, there’s no way to be completely thorough, but no one need be too concerned when thousands of players start farming as a class with which they have little to no experience.

The Spy Update
Many have prognosticated that this will be next, based on Valve’s policy of prioritizing the least played classes for updates. I can say without hyperbole that this update excites me more than any other. Not just because I love being a spy and having new toys to play with, but because I have been for ages stuck at a measly two-domination record for the pyro. This will surly change once the spy update hits the servers. We all know how much spies hate pyros. And now that Valve has fixed the front-stabbing problem we all know and love* we can rest peacefully knowing we’ll be just fine as long as we’re keeping an eye on our sixes.

Always remember to consider the achievements and know what your opponents are after. If you see a “friendly” demoman running around crying incessantly for a medic, trying to trick one into giving him an ubercharge (if there isn’t an achievement like that, I’ll eat my hat), give him a friendly tap on the shoulder with your fireaxe to let him know he is not welcome. But why stop there? I was thinking, particularly if you’re on defense, why not pair up with an engineer? The pyro can crisp any yahoo dumb enough to try and sap his sentry, and the sentries will guarantee that every other yahoo trying to have his way with a distracted heavy or an inattentive sniper will be gibbed instantly. I’m getting moist just thinking about it.

*Just like they fixed it the time before, and the time before that.

The Sniper Update
And you think the sniper problem is bad now? Try playing 2fort after this update. No matter how bad those snipers may be, chances are one of those 6 dots following you will catch you in the noggin. In the world of Team Fortress 2, the word “sniper” has long been analogous to the word “spybait”. Obvious answer to the update? Cloak and dagger, my good friends. Sneak ’round behind them and love them tenderly from behind.

But is this really the best choice? Sure, spies can cloak to keep out of view and easily get around a line of camping snipers, but even the most brain dead Aussie will start to notice a series of “YEAARGH”s growing steadily closer, and the snipers will probably be eager to nail a disguised spy in the head (if there isn’t an achievement like that, I’ll eat my space bar.) Better solution? The demoman.

That’s right, the demoman. Nothing makes the peons scatter quicker than a quartet of grenades lobbed straight at their feet. Those foolish enough to stay still shall be gibbed before they can shout crikey, and those who dash out of the way in a blind panic will merely return to find their favorite camping grounds all stickied up.

Moving on.

The Soldier Update
This one is a little more tricky. Unlike the spy and sniper, very much support classes, the soldier is good at holding his own in most situations. What’s more, there’s no better newbie class than this. Any fool with a mouse and years of pent-up sexual frustration (i.e. most of Steam) can pick up a rocket launcher and start firing indiscriminately into crowds of moving objects. Sun Tzu would not be pleased.

So what’s the solution? I suppose that depends on what you’re good at. Soldiers would make good pickings for an able spy. Rockets may hurt, but soldiers are slow and can’t cover the same area as pyros or heavies when checking for spies. If there is room to maneuver, a scout might be able to stay ahead of the rockets, but against multiple targets you may well be blown out of the air by a lucky hit (if there isn’t an achievement like that, I’ll eat my sandvich.)

However, for once, I would say that a sniper has the best advantage of all, much as it shames me to say. Why? Because nothing takes the wind out of a soldier’s sails better than height and distance. Given a good corner to hide in, a methodical sniper can plug every mother-loving soldier who shows his helmet, take a bathroom break, and read the morning newspaper before any rockets fired at him arrive. Sidestep, scope, and repeat.

The Demoman Update
Having played many rounds of of stage 3 Dustbowl on 32-player servers, I am no stranger to demoman spam. It’s like watching an old World War 2 flick, only instead of German soldiers, it’s stickybombs. And instead of bullets, it’s stickybombs. And instead of tanks, planes, or ships, it’s stickybombs. Stickybombs, stickybombs, stickybombs! Every floor, every corner, every window.

There’s a reason people complain about stickybombs being OP: they are stupid (the people, not the stickybombs.) As with the soldier update, the first defense that comes to mind is the pyro, whose compression blast can move both grenades and stickbombs out of the way, but due to my deep-seated racism towards pyros (despite not knowing what race the pyro is), I feel compelled to offer alternatives.

The main difficulty when dealing with those cowardly drunkards is that with all the stickybombs and grenades floating about, there’s really no place on the ground that’s safe to walk. The solution? Don’t walk. Scout up and double-jump your way to victory! The scout is the demoman’s natural predator, being difficult to hit with indirect weapons, and as long as you keep moving and don’t let yourself get boxed into a corner by stickies, you’ll have no difficulties whatsoever. As we already established, most farmers who pop up after an update have no skills with their chosen class and are too enamored with their achievement whoring to notice when they are being dominated.

The Engineer Update
Last on the list and probably last to be made, engineer being the global MPC for Team Fortress 2, the results of the engineer update are too obvious to require explanation.

Against half a dozen level 3 sentries ubercharges and BONK become obsolete. The pushback is simply too great. As engis on both sides of the map play out a steady chorus with the constant “dink dink dink” of their wrenches, the minority classes will find that the only place to get anything done is in the no-man’s land at the center of the map. If it’s an assault map like dustbowl and you’re on offense, you might as well find another server.

But we are not going to be dissuaded, nosiree. A wise player lets not the whoring of his enemy encroach upon the most holy of gaming experiences. It is not only our duty but our destiny to turn every situation to our advantage. To a coordinated team of comrades, the multi-sentry challenge is hardly a challenge at all, but this guide is about the lone player, the solitary mercenary who bravely fights across public servers trying to squeeze in a few quick rounds before he has to return to his responsibilities of the real world. What does he do?

There’s no easy answer here. It will all depend on the map and what your strengths as a player are. Take advantage of your enemies in whatever ways you can. Here are a few pointers.

1) Shoot engineers first. They are easy to kill if not hiding behind their equipment and it makes sentries much more convenient targets.

2) Sap everything in sight. The spy is an obvious choice so the enemy will probably be on the alert at all times. That said, unskilled engineers are notorious for not paying attention to other engineers’ equipment. With such a high saturation of buildings everywhere, you can just run around clicking the fire button like a maniac until someone takes you down. Inelegant, but effective, especially when taken with point #1.

3) Spam grenades. The engineer’s other counterclass, the demoman, is also an obvious choice. Always prioritize sentries that are isolated or easy to target from behind cover. Stickies are good for specific targets, of course, but simply launching wave after wave of grenades is a perfectly valid strategy. The inaccuracy of grenades, particularly when bouncing them off walls, is unimportant when there are so many potential targets to hit. If there are other players doing the same, combine forces to maximize damage throughput.

4) Ubercharges and BONK. Yes yes, I know I said these were useless only a moment ago, but I say let’s not let facts get in the way of tactical analyses. Work with someone you trust and go for sentries that are not covered by other sentries to reduce knockback. And since so many of you medics don’t seem to realize this: charge with your ubered buddy when assaulting a sentry, preferably ahead of them (but not directly in front of them), especially with pyros and heavies. The more sentry fire you take for them, the faster they can close in and get to work.

There you have it. One easy primer to help you in the coming years.