Financial News- RED and BLU in Administration
Spokespeople for the companies Reliable Excavation & Demolition and Builders League United have announced that, due to financial pressures in the current economic crisis, they have gone into administration. Several members of staff have been made redundant, with each company retaining a ’skeleton engineering and maintenance crew’ to keep their premises in working order for potential sale.
More startling than these two obscure companies going bust at the same time is what has emerged when administrators seized control of their assets. In an exclusive report, Ubercharged.net can reveal many alarming truths behind these seemingly innocuous companies.
All is not as it seems
When looking through the many industrial sites owned by RED and BLU, administrators found very little evidence of production. What they did find, however, is a number of top-secret high-tech weapons, including prototype laser facilities and intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs). Theories abound that these two businesses were actually cover organisations for secret military test facilites, but the government has refused to comment on the matter. The elusive heads of RED and BLU, whose identities are unknown, have not yet surfaced.
ICBMs found in a RED facility posing as a grain mill
What there is evidence of, however, is an extensive and costly private conflict between the two companies, which were previously thought to be unaffiliated in any way. Exclusive sources from BLU reveal that high-ranking company executives, whose identities were never revealed to the employees, hired a team of mercenaries to perform several acts of sabotage on RED properties, even using powerful explosive payloads to destroy a waste processing facility, potentially spreading toxic or even radioactive particles into the atmosphere.
Suspicious Incomes
In the light of these shocking discoveries, there has been public outrage that taxpayer’s money may have funded these acts of terrorism. Among many other fronts, RED and BLU posed as agricultural and mining businesses, and as such received millions of dollars of subsidies from the state. Again, Government officials were unavailable for comment.
It was also found that the accounts kept by the owners of the organisations were, to say the least, creative. Both companies have been avoiding tax through creative accounting, offshore money deposits, and several attempts to blackmail industrial nations with their experimental doomsday devices.
Trouble Manifests
But how did these shady enterprises go bust anyway? At this stage, the reason is unclear, but evidence points towards several costly mistakes made by each firm. A former employee of RED, who wishes to remain anonymous stated “there were several, how should I say? Fundamental Tactical errors. I don’t know who designed these facilities but for such top-secret projects, security was lax. I mean, what genius designs a waste facility which has a railway running right into the central dump?”
Both companies blame the credit crunch and ‘toxic assets’ for their financial problems, but confidential sources suggest industrial espionage and sabotage were responsible for much of the malaise, and the private war between the two companies accounts for a startling 90% of all loss of earnings.
Drastic Action
Among the worrying evidence uncovered by administrators is a number of expenses that were irresponsible at best. Each company employed similar mercenaries whose taste for custom-made heavy weaponry involved spending over $400,000 for every 12 seconds the weapons were fired. Such was the protracted nature of the conflict between the companies that it has been found that billions of dollars were lost each year in this way. Drastic cutbacks had been made in recent months, and the mercenaries’ arsenal was replaced with more conventional submachine guns.
“Little men came and took Sascha [the weapon in question],” one such mercenary stated. “New gun did not sing like Sascha, but go rat-tat like baby’s toy. If company had not gone bust, I would have destroyed them myself!”
It was also found that another soldier of fortune resigned from the company after rising fuel costs meant that his flamethrower was no longer an economically viable weapon.
Costs were cut in other areas too. Engineers from the businesses report that a lack of technical components meant they were forced to construct makeshift defences, and prototype teleporter technology was considered too energy-inefficient to continue employing, leaving their employees stranded in the field with no further ammunition supply. One BLU technician told us “When the money really dried up, we ended up setting pretty primitive traps for them pesky REDs. Which was fun an’ all, but give me a high calibre motion-sensing sentry gun any day.”
The company medical team, whose expensive and largely unnecessary surgical procedures are thought to have been a contributing factor in the companies’ collapse have been closed down, and massive catering costs (especially for sandwiches, liquor and energy drinks) were cut dramatically. It is reported that RED even allowed their industrial rivals to destroy or capture many facilities, so as to cut their losses and clean their hands of accumulated debts.
An Uncertain Future
What is clear is that many employees are now left to find new jobs. What will become of the sinister team of mercenaries is unclear, and it is understood that the FBI is actively pursuing at least five of them for serious offences. We will endeavour to bring you an update in the event of any new developments.
Zorgulon on March 13th 2009 in heavy weapons guy, team fortress 2, the funny
Stumble it!
Graven_Image responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:05 am #
“Desolation” pretty much desribes those pictures.
It kind of makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time, the heavy most of all.
“…Heavy would quit, but for the memories.”
-Heavy
ImmortalBlackMage responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:05 am #
VERY nice. I like the way this is going. Btw… any reports on the fallout on the other industries (ammo, food, etc)? Any chance of a bailout for them?
Killa-Ewok responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:05 am #
wat
Pyrit responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:09 am #
Haha, very nice. I think this could be one of my all time fav articles
GeneralGoose responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:11 am #
They were cover ups?
And here I was thinking RED and BLU were innocent companies…
Big Boss (Sean Connery) responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:12 am #
What, you don’t know?
This is all a cover up. BLU is actually a mistranslation of GRU, and RED is one of the colors of the United States flag. This war is a cover up.
GRU once had two engineers, each with a different idea for a doomsday weapon that would crush the RED team once and for all. But one of them grew afraid of his own creation and defected to RED. GRU realized this and started the war because they wanted him back. Now that both groups are losing money, RED finally decided to give the Engineer back, but they sent in two Spies (one was named Jack, the other’s name is unknown) to escort him back to RED. THE BOSS DEFECTED AGPOSIDJGPOISDJGPO
In other words TF2 leads into Metal Gear Solid 3.
Graven_Image responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:16 am #
Not a chance, Mr. Connery.
Big Boss (Sean Connery) responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:19 am #
Of course not a chance.
I still think that would be a hilarious machinima though.
hain responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 8:20 am #
Teehee. Great article. I’d like to do that kind of engineering in the game. Maybe.. maybe they could go for such “retro” toys for the engie update.
St Vincent responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 9:25 am #
That ought to be in the instruction booklet, it’s that good.
Sadly no one ever reads instruction books.
Corodan responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 9:59 am #
I love this stuff.
kanodin responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 10:05 am #
I can’t help but wonder which 5 would be wanted by the FBI. I think it would be safe to rule the scout and engy out, the sniper would definitely be one as an assassin for hire, soldier maybe for running around Europe blowing up people and calling them Nazis, Heavy if only for being from Soviet Russia, Medic for his twisted experiments, and the last one I suppose demoman if only because I can’t imagine them knowing enough about the spy to chase him.
BJ Blazkowicz responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 10:06 am #
I thought it was funny.
Baggie responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 10:19 am #
Wow… Just wow.
This is an incredible piece of writing, well done Zorg.
[TToL] Nightasasin responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 10:20 am #
Very nice, I like it when things are explained in a way that makes sense.
Cowjuicer responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 11:26 am #
I agree with Nightasasin, making sense of TF2’s crazy world is a lot of fun. Kudos to the author.
FlyingHat responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 11:48 am #
Great opening, the article kept me reading, and it made me laugh.
I <3 you Zorgulon!
Lord Grey responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 12:05 pm #
im makin the final picture my wallpaper, lol-ed so hard at that one
nice job
Acefighter responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 12:43 pm #
I’m not sure if I should laugh or cry at the Heavy’s predicament.
Good article, if a bit weird.
Graven_Image responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 1:24 pm #
The heavy’s picture makes you want go, “Awwww!”
N-not that I’d ever say that.
2tone responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 4:10 pm #
And what is to become of the world when the desolate plains no longer echo with the symphonic-cacophony of spahs sappin’ sentries…when the frantic calls for dispensers here and there slowly die out…
An excellent article, Zorg, one of the best in recent memory.
ASD responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 4:36 pm #
This, I like!
Kollega responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 4:38 pm #
There’s only one problem wih this. What current economic crisis has to do with spy-tech fiction set in 1968? You could go on,and adjust Heavy’s firing costs for inflation,getting figure around $2,458,735.08 for twelwe seconds (probably higher). And Pyro’s flamethrower runs not on oil,but on natural gas,and is cheaper to use than petrol ones. But fuel was much cheaper in 1968 anyway.
Everyone,please,when writing something about TF2,remain in it’s timeframe – then it will look much better.
NotJim responded on 13 Mar 2009 at 7:03 pm #
I lol’d hard.
Very well done, good sir. <o/
SirMax responded on 14 Mar 2009 at 12:37 am #
The engie’s stuff? Not energy efficient? IT RUNS ON ITS OWN POWER! There’s no plug for the teleporter and there’s no batteries that run out! His dispenser breaks the laws of thermodynamics! If they need boolets, just get them from from there!
Budget cuts SHOULD just mean more engies and no respawn cabinets. Maybe everyone starts with 0 ammo.
@Kollega: this is a joke, just like the election ones, using current affairs as a medium to reach the audience. It’s a parallel 1968, maybe they had their own credit crunch and fuel crises. You can’t adjust for inflation because they don’t have an identical economy. Always remember, this isn’t set in OUR 1968, it’s set in A 1968.
Ryan Williams responded on 14 Mar 2009 at 12:44 am #
Excellent article.