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Team Fortress 2. As you are aware by the many rants you have heard, it’s not a perfect land of milk and honey and Baileys. For good to exist, there must be evil.
Thus, there are many types of bad players who I feel symbolize that religious trend thing, the seven deadly sins. I’ve been brought up in Catholic schools through my whole life – though I doubt it made any difference, considering I’m quite immoral and find joy in burning orphanages down – and I feel the likenesses of these sins are all too familiar in our little gaming world.
So let’s read on about these horrible individuals who seem to plague our land. This is not for the faint of heart.

The Rambos (Wrath)

Much like in Left 4 Dead, you’re not him.

A lone man will not demolish a team single-handedly and cap every point by himself. This isn’t like all those other run-of-the-mill team games where one guy can take on ten and have enough ego left to make a golden statue out of himself. This game actually requires you to use tactics and a friendly demeanor to co-operate with your team instead of using a twitchy finger and high blood pressure.
Rambo would be ashamed of you, good sir, and by ashamed, I mean enraged and driving a combat knife through your pancreas.
TEAM Fortress is the name of the game, quite literally. Lots of words starting with ‘co’ can describe the strategy to winning matches in this game; co-operation, co-ordination, communication… but at no point should the word ‘commando’ pop into your head.
If you want to succeed, work with your team carefully. Duos can work well if the classes fit (Pyros and Spies, Demomen and Soldiers, Medics and… anyone, really). Rushes can be an unstoppable force, albeit a cheap tactic. If you play well with others, glory will be yours. Hopefully.

The Womanizers (Lust)

“omg itz a gurl”
Every time you type this into a shoutbox, your sexual potency decreases by ten-fold. I could kick you in the balls and you wouldn’t feel anything.
A comprehensive survey of one person (me) believes that around roughly 95% of TF2 players are male, give or take. It’s understandable that girls would be derived as rare exotic creatures by the less social gamers among us (a.k.a nerds). However, do you think she would log on to find suitable love partners?
No, she logged on to headshot you. In the nads. Somehow.
Just leave the gals alone. If you really think they are ‘the one’ for you, then go on their team, be a Medic and help them out. Better than spamming oh-so-romantic ‘txt’ into the shoutbox.
Oh yeah, don’t forget the sexist players who believe females lack superior motor skills and brain cell count, essentially thinking they are a waste of team space. Funnily enough, this situation usually follows the angry male in question as a useless Sniper and the co-operative female as a useful Engineer.

Shame on you, sir. Let me shoot you in the crotch with my flare gun for your ignorance.
…Okay, last genitals joke, I swear.

The Leaders (Pride)

You know when you lose a round and you get that one person who blames everyone else because they had less points then him?
Man, I hate those guys.
Please, the main source of points is kills. The main source of teamplay and round success is assists, captures and defenses. Going on killing sprees sure is fun (makes for great frag video footage might I add), but if you leave that control point undefended, you aren’t helping.
A common counter for this argument is “I’m helping out; I’m killing the other guys.”
Killing the enemy team is certainly a main aim of the game, but leaving your team unaided and left to suffer from an enemy uber is not a desirable trait. Ass.
Points make no difference to me. My personal best in one life is 27 or something (either Spy or Pyro, I forgot), but it wasn’t my best performance. My best performance would be one where my friends and I defend a point valiantly, blocking ubers and destroying buildings, holding back a seemingly unstoppable wave of foes. As a team. Together.
Stop going for points. Your ego is of no concern to me or my flare gun.

The Copycats (Envy)

Who honestly thinks my class affects my skill? Sure, it’s a factor, but there is an annoying habit among players to scan the leaderboards and instantly swap class to imitate the highest-scoring player.
Here’s a cruel realization; it doesn’t matter what class you are, you need to know how to bloody play it. These copycats end up being W+M1 Pyros, ‘battle’ Medics and griefing Engineers.
Plus, on a side rant, we don’t need seven Spies. You’re not OMFGNinja. If we have no Medics and you go Engineer, words will not describe the fury I want to unleash upon you.
Why should you be envious of someone on your own team? If you want to be envious of someone, exhibit jealousy to that RED Soldier dominating you.
Anyway, the point is to pick the right class for the situation, not the scoreboard. No more poor Demoman players, okay?

The Achievers (Greed)

Ooooh boy, this is an awkward subject.
Let it be known that I have no problem with anyone who goes to achievement_box and farm for some those oh-so-wonderful new weapons. I’ve done it myself as a matter of fact; I couldn’t bare a minute without that wonderful Ubersaw, that fantastic Flare Gun and that brilliant Sandvich… However, I certainly have problems with those who do so on an important game of Dustbowl with nearly a minute left on the clock, especially as BLU.

Don’t try and uber Scouts instead of Heavies for ‘You’ll Feel a Little Prick’. Don’t try and Hadouken all your enemies for ‘OMGWTFBBQ’. Don’t try and minigun all your enemies while underwater for ‘Krazy Ivan’.
If you want to earn that Sandvich of yours, I have no time for your greedy antics in my game. Do it on an achievement server like I did.
…At least I can admit it!

The Consumers (Gluttony)

You know these guys. I spawn as a Medic to nullify the injured pleas of my teammates. One player has shouted for first aid the most, so I logically assume he is in the most need. I trudge across half the map to find my first patient is merely a Heavy with 250 health left. As I try to comprehend the selfish sight in front of me, three teammates burn to death elsewhere and hold a grudge against me for the rest of the round for my ‘poor medic skills’.
Even worse is when I happen to succumb to not-so-spontaneous combustion and my Heavy takes a health pack from right in front of me.
Seriously, some players call for a doctor when so much as a Engineer taps them (as if he can do anything without that sentry of his). I don’t differentiate between classes; a burning Sniper is more needy than an Heavy (in most cases – if I have an Uber, sharpshooter can go find some water).
I am glad about the new TF2 update so I can now tell who needs me and who doesn’t, but a brief message to the previous Heavy who was inconsiderate to me and the team; Tough luck, fatty. Go use a health pack.

The Creditors (Sloth)

I’ve spent the last five minutes trying to break the enemy defense and push that stupid cart that looks as stable as my sanity. After finally making some progress, the bomb nears the final checkpoint… and a Scout suddenly appears, pushes it a few inches, then scores it and taunts wildly.
Funnily enough, he never tried moving our wooden friend earlier.
A very common problem with multiplayer shooters is that players are afraid to die. Newsflash, boys and girls; you will die. Lots. Everyone does. If it’s Arena, that’s fair, but when you can respawn, that’s seems not quite as fair.
I’m not afraid to endanger myself in the name of victory. If a critical rocket is heading towards our only Medic, I will not hesitate to jump in front and shield it with my soon-to-be-gibbed body.

But oh no, our team Sniper doesn’t have the balls* to inch out of his hole for so much as a tap of the cart to at least keep it from reversing.
If you don’t help in a fierce conflict, then we will lose. And I will blame you. And your children.
Now stop sitting behind the damn dispenser and “move that gear up”!

*Damn, nearly finished without another genitals joke. Real sorry.

The Good Guys

Let it be said that humans find it easier to see faults rather than improvements (the Steam forums is the perfect example) and if we didn’t, there would be less reason to Ubercharged every day, am I right? I won’t forget brilliant players who work with their team, aid their teammates considerately and care more about winning a fun and challenging round than getting more points or chatting up ‘teh h0t gal’ or farming for the Natascha.

But I guess the bad ones are here to at least keep us entertained. Well, if killing such poor individuals is derived as ‘entertainment’. Is it?

Of course it is.