Meet the Medic: this might hurt a bit.
Inspired by Pentadact’s, um, inspired “A stab at Meet the Spy”, I decided to try my hand at a fanfiction speculatory Meet the Class script. Rest assured, the pattern of heavy abuse continues (if you manage to get through the entire script).
Anyway, here it is. Have fun reading it, dummkopfs!
MEET THE MEDIC by Himmelstoss
Shots of various Lumberyard locations, all empty and peaceful. We hear the sound of a soldier, a scout, and a heavy screaming.
MEDIC
Zis might hurt a bit! (sound of gloves snapping)
SOLDIER
AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
Title screen, Meet the Medic, copyright LOLOL, etc.
Cut to Medic standing next to an examination table with various sharp instruments on it. Setting appears to be a hospital of some kind, or maybe the lair of a mad scientist. There are splotches of blood on the otherwise clean, whitewashed walls.
MEDIC
I am ze Medic. I hurt people.
Medic pauses to adjust his glove.
Sometimes, I heal zem. Zat is my job.
Cut to battle scene. Camera is unsteady, and as explosions are heard in the background, the camera wobbles a little bit. Heavy is spraying bullets everywhere, laughing maniacally. Medic fires his syringe gun at someone offscreen, then switches to his medigun and starts to heal the heavy.
HEAVY
Thank you, doktor!
MEDIC
I am charged! Now go! Pops the ubercharge as they rush into battle.
Cut back to Medic at examination table.
MEDIC
Nostalgically, as he leans on the table. Ve medics have a long history. Ze first medic was called Hippocrates. He helped everyone.
Medic frowns disgustedly as he stands upright. Medic picks up a scalpel and twirls it around his fingers.
MEDIC
Good thing ze science has moved on, or schadenfreude specialists like me (points the scalpel at himself) vould be out of a job.
Cut back to battlefield. Various BLUs are mowed down by the minigun spray.
MEDIC
Hahaha! Oktoberfest! Danke, kamerad!
Cut back to examination table.
MEDIC
Anyway, I am here to heal ze team.
Cut to various classes each calling for medic, as follows. Medic is standing still, facing the viewer, as each class runs up to the medic, bleeding hard. Medic shifts his medigun beam to each of them and heals each of them.
SOLDIER
MEDIC!
HEAVY
DOKTOR!
PYRO
MMMPPHMMPPHHHH!
BLU spy with demoman disguise uncloaks behind the medic with his knife drawn.
BLU SPY (with mask of friendly demoman)
Medic.
Cut to close up of bone-saw lying on the table, with a tinge of blood on the blade. The medic’s gloved hand is tapping out a simple 4/4 rhythm on the table next to the saw.
Cut to close-up of MEDIC.
MEDIC
Pauses for a second. But it is a dangerous job, ja. Ze spies don’t like ze men of science. Zey are always trying to fool me.
View of medic as he’s healing someone who is offscreen. The disguised spy is still behind the medic, and the medic’s eyes narrow suspiciously. The suspicious frown slowly changes to a diabolical grin.
Cut back to examination table.
MEDIC
Haha! Do zey really want to fool a man of science with zeir puny brain? I have looked at zeir brains, zey are very, very small! Holds thumb and forefinger a short distance apart for emphasis.
Back to the battlefield, close up on the spy’s face. The spy slowly takes off his mask to get a better view. His eyes are visible. His eyes widen as the camera zooms back, revealing the point of an ubersaw.
Cut back to examination table.
MEDIC
Chuckles. You know vat happens zere.
Cut to Medic as he peruses through a collection of bottles with colorful liquids. His eyes widen and he breaks a smile as he picks a bottle off the shelf with an orange-colored liquid with a skull and crossbones label on the side.
MEDIC
Ze healing is good. But (pause for emphasis) ze hurting (medic’s eyes widen with a look of sadistic pleasure) is better.
Cut to Medic as he fills oversize hypo with orange liquid. His expression speaks to his crazed psyche and immense bloodlust.
Cut to battle scene. BLU Heavy spraying bullets everywhere. His gun clicks – it’s out of ammo. The heavy turns around and is face to face with MEDIC. MEDIC has a bonesaw out and breaks an ear-to-ear smile.
BLU HEAVY
IS BAD! IS VERY BAD!
Camera looks at a peaceful scene (a grove of trees), while the sound of a bonesaw hitting heavy flesh is heard. The heavy is screaming in agony.
Cut to Medic as he lands the last blow on the heavy. He lifts his bloody bonesaw, then drops it. He snaps his gloves.
MEDIC
Haha! Anuzzer successful procedure!
Ending scene: zoom out on the TF2 banner from our man, Orange Box, TF2, etc.
A HUGE “danke schön” to General Balls and Hain for the Garry’s Moddage!
Stumble it!
derethus responded on 19 Oct 2008 at 8:40 am #
ha ha, that would be awesome
krautwurst responded on 19 Oct 2008 at 8:59 am #
Awesome script, although I have an Idea:
Once the spy takes off his mask, the first thing he sees should be a bonesaw flying at him.
krautwurst responded on 19 Oct 2008 at 9:01 am #
Well, out of first person perspective, in the video, I mean. If that was not clear enough.
UberOgden responded on 19 Oct 2008 at 9:06 am #
Interesting script, but it lacks what I would call ‘Real’ fire. It’s rather ho-hum, no introspection on his life outside the battlefield (Demo and his booze, Heavy and his gun, Soldier and Heads, Sniper and Parents, Scout and… uh… Sandvich.).
Good try, though.
Nabanaba
Sypheros responded on 19 Oct 2008 at 9:29 am #
Hasn’t the whole “Spy behind someone, and gets smacked with a melee weapon” been done before? I believe the soldiers E-Tool is still bloody.
Great concepts though, I think we will see some of them in the actual Meet The Medic.
Anonymous responded on 19 Oct 2008 at 10:18 am #
Then who was table?
DrTarget responded on 19 Oct 2008 at 11:03 am #
Very nice Himmel. You get bonus points for actually making the dialogue fit the feel of the Meet the… shorts, something that you rarely see. This is one of the few I’ve read that feels like it could actually happen.
jimmy.pop responded on 19 Oct 2008 at 11:10 am #
Imaged it in my head. Win
goosemonger responded on 19 Oct 2008 at 11:12 am #
Good script, but I agree with UberOgden, needs to have some content that is new/unfamiliar.
Also it seems that the medic’s main focus is hurting people, not healing them. I can imagine if this did actually get made into a video, there would be many noob combat medics running around not healing their team mates.
Himmelstoss responded on 19 Oct 2008 at 12:43 pm #
@goosemonger, uberogden: First of all, watching a medic heal for the whole video is kind of boring. I thought it would be more interesting if he hurt people a bit more. Also, here’s a tidbit from tf2wiki:
“Medic considers healing a generally unintended side effect of satisfying his own morbid curiosity.”
As a result, I included one of the Medic’s own in-game responses (the “hurting > healing” one).
Also, I actually tried not to introduce too much new stuff into the video… I don’t want Medic fanboys to descend here and complain about how in the script, the medic likes Justin Timberlake.
Just kidding, I wouldn’t do that. Would I?
I based it mostly on how the class is played and whatever little Medic canon already exists. I can’t wait to see what Valve actually does with this – they’re the final authority about the Medic’s backstory, after all.
kanodin responded on 19 Oct 2008 at 2:07 pm #
They’ve already given us his basic backstory on the trading card (link: http://www.teamfortress.com/images/posts/medic_front.jpg) The trading card descriptions are also the ones that appear under the meet the videos for anyone unaware.
UberOgden responded on 19 Oct 2008 at 2:29 pm #
Himmel, we didn’t say that we wanted the medic healing. We were just pointing out that it’s a little… bland. The whole hurting > healing thing isn’t a problem with us at all. That’s the theme.
The problem is, it’s a theme we know a little too well, and it’s pretty much the only theme there is.
The Medic is, as I have stated before, a Rammstein man. After the ‘Get behind me Doctor! CHARGE ME!!’ video, ‘Rein Raus’ is pretty much the National Anthem of Medicopolis. Creepy as hell, but yeeeeeees.
But, as we said, you still did a damn fine job. I can’t do it for three reasons.
1: Don’t actually OWN Team Fortress 2.
2: Don’t have a system capable of running G-mod.
3: My sense of humour is warped, at best. You don’t wanna know what it’s like at worst.
Sorry ’bout the confusion. We meant no disrespect, and we weren’t bitchin’. Just giving you a metaphorical A-.
Good job, could make awesome with a few extra sequins.
Peace out!
minespatch responded on 19 Oct 2008 at 3:14 pm #
Somehow, I think he should go evil mad scientist type on the spy in the scenes where we get a interview. We would cut out as he’s about to saw the poor BLU spy strapped onto the table parodying the Goldfinger scene exccept it’s the Medic’s excuse that he has “Gangrene”. Then on the battlefield scenes, we should see him healing different characters.
At the end, he’s cornered by many on his team asking to healing them. Out of frustration, he should just punch the closest one, and walk away in annoyance.
Then again, that’s me. You have your own interpretations, I got mine.
cardboardwarrior responded on 19 Oct 2008 at 3:36 pm #
I was hoping for a scene where the spy is strapped to a table in the background while an enormous laser hanging above him slowly moves up trying to slice him in half, like the old superspy movies. Show the Medic as a real cheesy mad scientist.
Himmelstoss responded on 19 Oct 2008 at 5:19 pm #
@cardboardwarrior, minespatch:
I was seriously considering exactly that! I actually regret not putting it in; I think it definitely would have been hilarious. It didn’t really fit with whatever I already had down, though. :-/
UberOgden responded on 19 Oct 2008 at 5:41 pm #
Would have been funny as hell, though. Definite Schadenfruede material.
Ledundead responded on 20 Oct 2008 at 4:14 am #
Spy: You will never get away with zis.
Medic: Watch me. Activate ze lazer!
Totally should have done that.
Dark Master responded on 20 Oct 2008 at 5:34 am #
Rather then being a Lazer (which doesn’t exist yet…) the medic should be preparing to give the spy a lethal injection. Then his line of “hurting > healing” can be kept.
Paper Shadow responded on 20 Oct 2008 at 7:09 am #
If you want, get a voice actor and do some magic in faceposer…
Never know till you try!
minespatch responded on 20 Oct 2008 at 12:08 pm #
@Dark Master:
I was thinking, like I said earlier, that he would just start amputate the spy’s arm, and the camera would close back to the battlefield once he’s about to do it.
FrohmanForPrez responded on 21 Oct 2008 at 1:03 am #
Great script. I think Valve will have their work cut out for them to top that.
Shrake12 responded on 21 Oct 2008 at 12:03 pm #
Really good script Himmelstoss. The Medic’s sadism really shines. But, I expected the Good Doctor to have a long line of patients with him using almost nothing but the Bonesaw for the smallest of wounds.
Ex. Bullet wound-Bonesaw
Stab wound- Bonesaw
On Fire-…Bonesaw
Dark Master responded on 22 Oct 2008 at 1:27 am #
minespatch:
I’ve never seen Goldfinger, so I wouldn’t know what your original comment was about… I have seen parodies where somebody was strapped to a table and a laser was coming towards them.
minespatch responded on 22 Oct 2008 at 3:58 am #
Dark Master, it’s considered one of the greatest james Bond films(according to the fans), personally, from what I read of the TF2 review in Computer Gaming Weekly, they said that thier basis for the game was 60’s spy movies.
Would be funny if the Sniper did a Oddball and throw his Austrailian fedora at his enimies ricocheting on different enemies heads like a boomerang.
Zorgulon responded on 23 Oct 2008 at 2:08 am #
@minespatch
You mean Oddjob. Unless of course you got it deliberately wrong for comic effect. In which case silly me.
Himmelstoss- great script, very well done, although I hope the actual Meet the Medic is a bit more removed from gameplay, as Meet the Sniper was.
But for the action sequences, yours does fine, although I would love to see a Scout (or any class really) going cross-eyed to try and focus on a needle embedded right between their eyes before collapsing.
love2007 responded on 23 Oct 2008 at 8:31 am #
Hahaha… the funny story…
goosemonger responded on 23 Oct 2008 at 8:36 am #
@minespatch
Australian Fedora? You mean Akubra.
Also, on a different note – what’s with the lack of updates?
Dark Master responded on 23 Oct 2008 at 10:49 am #
Is that a lack of updates on Ubeercharged or on Steam?
Himmelstoss responded on 23 Oct 2008 at 1:49 pm #
Patience, goosemonger and dark master. Madlep’s not really gotten time to manage the site.
Expect a new article within a couple of days. Currently there are 3 articles in the review queue, hopefully the omnipotent madlep will like one of them enough to post it
minespatch responded on 24 Oct 2008 at 3:03 am #
Did you hear that Valve is not going to do any more updates on TF2 until next year?
madlep responded on 24 Oct 2008 at 2:37 pm #
Yeah, I’ve been slacking it up of late.
Started on a new project at work (with IT nazi censored internet), and I’ve been sick, and I’ve had the family over visiting.
All in good time
eh responded on 07 Nov 2008 at 8:59 am #
not that good. dialogue simple and boring. unoriginal.
good thing you guys arent the valve staff
La bomba responded on 16 Sep 2009 at 11:23 am #
eh:
thus speaks the one person who didn’t like it.
Himmelstoss: great job. there is some extra that could be cut off for shortening purpouses, but it’s hilarious and creative. i hope valve staff checks this every once and awhile?
Axe Murderer responded on 29 Nov 2009 at 9:02 am #
zeir brains ar az zmooz az marblez!