The Order of the Train God
If you don’t get this, you haven’t been playing Zombie Fortress with us on the server. Which means it’s probably a good time to fire up ye olde Team Fortress 2 and head to the ubercharged.net server! Do it now!
Fear it. Its warns its presence just seconds before it, an unstoppable vehicle of fury, arrives, heralding its approach with little more than a bell ringing. Listen to the sound, for it is a knell. Many melee-only scouts, heavies, and spies have given their lives in reverence to its glory. It blazes through the world with no regard for others’ safety. It’s a force of nature–it is indiscriminate and conscienceless. It is a thirty-ton conglomeration of cast iron, steel, and combusting diesel.
Do the math: force is equal to mass times acceleration. Yes, this is one powerful sucker.
Yes, it is the train god. Make the pilgrimage to the train station, and await its passage through the world. Make the pilgrimage, taunt as it arrives. Let the train’s fury wash over you, overwhelm you. If you want, jump on it and let it carry you more swiftly than even the cheapest speedhacking script. As the train god leaves the world, he shall leave you suspended in the air by the sheer power of his whim (and the sheer power of game glitches). You shall be powerless, and the glory of the train god will be elucidated even more.
It is the duty of the members of the Order of the Train God to convert the nonbelievers irreversibly to the just cause of righteousness. And all the while, they must chant in a rasping undead voice: “BRAAAAIIIINNNNSSS”.
Whether you are a scout, a spy, or a heavy, you cannot survive the train god’s wrath. You may be ubercharged, but the train god will have no mercy on you.
The train god demands sacrifice, and we shall give it to him. Join the Order of the Train God before it is too late. (No more shameless plugging, I promise!)
The train god will not wait for you.
Amen.
Edit: I didn’t give noobie51 the credit that he’s due. He’s the original prophet of the Train God. Thanks to you for pioneering our journey into the Train God’s grace.
Himmelstoss on October 7th 2008 in rants, team fortress 2, ubercharged
Stumble it!
General Balls responded on 07 Oct 2008 at 8:23 pm #
In the beginning, the was the train. So it is said.
Hail be to the Train God!
n00bie51 responded on 07 Oct 2008 at 9:23 pm #
You failed to mention that I was the one who originally summoned the ATG (almighty train god)!
The Dodgeballer! responded on 07 Oct 2008 at 10:38 pm #
Ah, but did the Almighty Train God not summon you to foretell Its coming?
Mooman responded on 07 Oct 2008 at 10:56 pm #
I’ll join, but there better not be daily rituals or vegetarianism attatched.
I await much gleeful blasphemy. I’m in.
theminipanda responded on 07 Oct 2008 at 11:06 pm #
Amen.
Neuromante responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 12:19 am #
Blessed be the Almighty Train God! May his light guide us all to new conquer paths!
I’m a proud member of the Order now. I offer Inquisition and heresy-burnin (in train) services for the major Train Glory!
RJ-Pilot responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 1:04 am #
Come ye, children and join the Church of the Train God!
Paper Shadow (Higher Priest of Trainism) responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 2:26 am #
I have even sacraficed myself to the Train God as a Medic, the teams only medic…
All obey the Train God, kill the herotics and go in melee and get run over…
“BRRAAAIINNSSS”
Jesse responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 2:28 am #
I’m so sick of jumping on the train and getting stuck in that damned tunnel.
minespatch responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 3:55 am #
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Train god Team Fortress wgah’nagl fhtagn…
Hain responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 6:41 am #
A train entering a tunnel is a popular allegory for sexual penetration, the train representing male phallus.
Fear not, it has been a common practice since primitive times to participate in phallic worship.
American Heritage Dictionary has it spelled out under ‘phallic’ :
adj.
1. Of, relating to, or resembling a phallus.
2. Of or relating to the cult of the phallus as an embodiment of generative power: phallic worship.
3. Of or relating to the third stage of psychosexual development in psychoanalytic theory, from about ages three to six, during which gratification is focused on sensations associated with the genital organs. The phallic stage is preceded by the anal stage and followed by the latency period.
I would be delighted to divert this discussion towards a more Freudian analysis, I would like to encourage those of you who are placing yourself infront of the train only to be rammed into the tunnel to think about your childhood and about where you stand in life.
Positronic responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 7:30 am #
HEIL TRAIN.
marglark responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 7:43 am #
Thomas the train god goes to zombie town.
Team Manager responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 8:32 am #
Tracks for the Train God!
haha responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 8:40 am #
So-called zombie mode sucks balls.
gRUMBLES responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 9:28 am #
Come oh ye faithful and bow thy heads, to thank the Lord Train, our God. In so that the deaths of the survivors will be swift, much like the justice our Lord inflicts on the unbelievers….
Cubic_C responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 10:57 am #
And then the train god said, “Let there be tracks. And there were tracks.”
Hain responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 11:19 am #
SANDVICH IS GREATER THAN TRAIN.
minespatch responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 11:41 am #
Really, I was just joking…
Himmelstoss responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 11:43 am #
@Hain: Heretic! There is nothing greater than the train god! Train God crushes sandvich beneath his razor-sharp cast iron wheels!
n00bie51 responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 12:16 pm #
Yes, DodgeBaller, I was the ATG’s prophet!
Hain responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 1:34 pm #
@Himmelstoss : You will die pagan, at the scrapeyard, bound to the iron mould you worship.
SANDVICH is not false god, sandvich is everywhere, a piece of sandvich is within each and every one of us.
Now repent! Repent before I slap the heresy out of you!
gRUMBLES responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 2:13 pm #
Simple fix for arguement
Put Sandvich (Which requires Heavy to summon) and stand in the way of our Lord Train. We shall see whos God is the true God….This I believe the Train shall prevail! BEHOLD!
nubslovecake responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 2:44 pm #
Why does Train God hate us so?
We feed it heavies, spies and scouts, but its wraith is endless!
What more does it want!
Mooman responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 2:48 pm #
No, you fools! We must make a TRAIN SANDVICH to fix this problem! Prepare the bread! Only the mightiest of Heavies will be able to gorge on this vich of sand.
nalfang responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 2:56 pm #
The Train god does not Oppose Sandvich.
“And the train got said, Let one Sandvich Become Two halves! And so, the Train God twain the Sandvich in two, Each part better then the whole.”
Sypheros responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 2:58 pm #
Did anyone else notice that the trains number was 7331?
Drexer responded on 08 Oct 2008 at 8:00 pm #
Force=Mass*Acceleration, sure… but seeing as the Train God never stops nor slows down, such is not of very big demonstrative issues. We’re better off remembering that Linear Momentum(p)=Mass*Velocity, in which we can fully observe the Power of the Train God.
Gerkuman responded on 09 Oct 2008 at 1:15 am #
The theory runs like this:
“I refuse to prove I exist” says the Train God. “For proof denies faith, and without faith I cannot squish you”
“Ah” said (Demo)man “But the people you squish are a dead giveaway aren’t they. So you do exist, and therefore you don’t. QED”
“Oh, I never thought of it” said the Train God, and dissapears in a puff of logic.
“Oh, that was easy” Says (Demo)man, and for an encore learns how to make enemy spies spontaniously combust before getting run over by a totally normal train.
(With Apologies to Douglas Adams)
Snitzel responded on 09 Oct 2008 at 6:42 am #
Radda radda radda, radda radda radda.
Radda Raaaddaaaa.
what is a man? responded on 09 Oct 2008 at 10:03 am #
and on the third day, train god made a boloney sammich. and it was good.
CrabGuy responded on 10 Oct 2008 at 4:07 pm #
The train god will never stop grooving.
Including that one AFK medic that I pushed onto the tracks.
CrabGuy responded on 10 Oct 2008 at 4:11 pm #
And @Sypheros: The train god doesnt want undead flesh.It needs to have the blood of the breathing to fully satisfy its needs.For the round.