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YOU FAIL!!! you hear Ms. Swissmiss scream as the BLU’s take your final point. all thats left to do is wait in the spawn and die right? NO!!! Here are 5 helpful tips to help you survive after the match ends.

1. Be a Scout or Pyro
   You should be either of these classes because a scout can outrun people and a pyro can still kill people after the match is over. There is nothing more humiliating than being taunt killed by a pyro after they won.
2. Change your class before the round ends
   If there is 5 seconds left in the match and the cart is across the map from where you are its OK to change your class to something that could survive Humiliation better like a pyro.
3. OMGWTFBBQ
   The best chance of maintaining some cred from your team is to go down fighting. stand around a corner and try to roast people who come in.
4. Don’t hide in your spawn
   There is nothing more pitiful than when you lose a match in dustbowl and try to hide in the spawn. Nothing. But I guarantee one of these buggers will be there every time a round ends.
5. Taunt or Explode
   If you spawn the very second the round ends and the enemy is storming your base then you only have 2 options to keep your dignity. Taunting or exploding. I prefer exploding because of the shock factor to the other team when they see the person they are about to kill suddenly explode. You can blow yourself up by going to the console and typing “explode”.

Achievements are often talked about on this site. That’s not even all of them. So what new kernel am I bringing to the table? Well, I’m going to be using less rage at/sympathy for/attempt to help farmers or players at all, and talk about the achievements in general in part one, the weapons in part two, and finally in part three, user generated achievements and weapons.

First off, let’s look at the POINT of achievements. Why do they exist? You can’t claim it’s to give out unlockables- they existed independent of them before in other games and there are even some in TF2 that don’t unlock anything.

There are three basic reasons that a developer makes achievements. First and foremost, they are created to give you a good feeling. A “Wow! That was awesome!” sort of feeling, similar to that little bar you get when you die saying you lived almost as long as your longest life as that class. When you do something really impressive, and you get a message that everyone sees saying that, it’s a good feeling. They give you a sense of accomplishment- in other words, achievement.

The secondary goal, which is more pronounced in single player games, is to give you a goal. Something to try to do, whether it’s killing someone with a weak weapon, or killing lots of people in one life, or whatever. Who would have dragged that gnome across the game without the achievement in Half-Life 2:Episode 2? Not many people, I’m sure. Giving players something to do besides just winning the game can be a lot of fun, and for single player gives it some serious replay value.

And the final one, but the least significant, is a measure of skill. People with lots of Pyro achievements are (supposedly) good at playing Pyro. Bragging rights, in other words. This is less important in TF2, though, because of the rampant nature of farming. Farming means that getting an achievement is no longer that impressive- people doubt that it’s real much more.

So we’ve made a list of things an achievement should do: Give you a good feeling, give you a goal, and give you bragging rights.

Now let’s look at different types of achievements and how they fit these goals, AND how they affect other players

First off is the one everyone thinks of: A goal-based achievement. By goals based, I mean an achievement that is doing something out of the ordinary multiple times- an example would be Spontaneous Combustion or Icing on the Cake. These are, obviously, mostly focused on the second point of an achievement, but if they are difficult enough they can give you the other two. These are generally pretty friendly to other players, as they tend not to get too outlandish- the player is usually doing things that will help his team, even if they wouldn’t normally be doing it.

Second is the one everyone complains about: The action-based achievement. This is an achievement that makes you do something impressive once. Examples would be famously Blunt Trauma and You’ll Feel a Little Prick. These are mostly focused on bragging rights, and to some extent a good feeling, but they do give you something to try- and that’s the problem. These are EXTREMELY anti-social most of the time. It encourages you to do the wrong thing while trying to get an achievement. No one likes the medic ubering scouts like crazy to get his achievement. These are also the most often farmed, as they are often the hardest to get.

Another type is the good-run achievement. These are basically just doing something a lot of times in one life- examples are Intern and Lumberjack. These are based heavily in good feeling and secondarily in bragging rights, although some (like Lumberjack) are goal based. These can be harmful or helpful, depending on the class and type. Things like Lumberjack are bad- they encourage people to do stupid things over and over. Intern, however, is a good test of skill, and it makes Medics more timid and focused on healing- not really a bad thing.

The last major type is the grind achievement. Obviously, this is just doing something normal, only a lot- like Pyromancer and Chief of Medicine. These are based in bragging rights again, and very rarely mess up play- you’re doing the normal thing, so it’s not going to make you act stupid.

So what makes a good achievement? It should make you feel good, give you something to do, and not interrupt play. I think they’re getting better about this- the medic pack was full of stupidity, but the heavy pack is mostly fair game. By the spy update, farming might be reserved solely for people who want the weapons fast. And speaking of weapons, that’s the next topic.

As part of our government funding, we are obliged to carry messages from the prospective candidates for the upcoming election. Returning you to regular scheduled ubercharging shortly…

Here is why YOU weak ubercharged reader vote for me! Heavy in upcoming election!

Pro-active Gun Control Stance

I see babies everywhere! BABIES!

These BABIES cannot control puny guns! Heavy teach whole county to control MIGHTY gun like sasha. Gun control important! Little BABIES need big muscles to lift heavy gun. Heavy outlaw silly scout shotgun and build muscle on whiny scout teenagers.

Strong Economic Credentials

Weak men make puny collateralized debt obligations backed by flimsy subprime mortgages and threaten world with economic depression! This makes Heavy sad! So Heavy make world happy again! First, Heavy take back $700 billion in federal bail out to PUNY Wall St. NEXT! Heavy use money to go on 8 month world tour firing Sasha non-stop bringing joy and music to unhappy people! Engineer say it take 8 months to fire $700 billion worth of $200 custom tooled cartridges. So yah, dis will work.

Proven Leadership Track Record

I am giant in movie shows. Then! I governed California!

Universal Health Care As A Basic Right

In good world, there are two medics for every big man with gun. But I see those with just 300 health, and no chance of uber? This is wrong! Now heavy cannot make miracle. Heavy cannot charge doktor from nowhere no matter how much Heavy scream “MEDIC!”. But Heavy can do next best thing and provide universal sandviches for entire population. Not one puny baby will be without sandvich! Om nom nom!

Progressive Social Policies

Yah. Is beautiful thing love of gun for man! Sasha and I are VERY happy! Heavy make is legal for whole world to marry gun! Backward hillbilly say this is wrong! But me and Sasha show them who right.

Simple rednecks shoot innocent moose. COWARDS! Moose not shoot back! Heavy and Sasha shoot ENTIRE TEAM of little men! THAT is beauty and love.

VOTE HEAVY 08!

SO MUCH ELECTION! VOTE HEAVY COWARDS!

Another application I found deep in the recesses of the RED team base

I am an engineer, for real. That’s what I do for a living. When my friends see that engineer is my second most played class in TF2, they ask why I can not let go of engineering even in the fantasy world of gaming.  The answer is, I am. Engineering has nothing to do with what you do in TF2, but to make my case I prepared a set of slides to introduce to you the real life engineer and compare him with his jolly TF2 counterpart.

Introduction

The TF2 engineer is a generally happy man. He works outdoors, dances and laughs. This is the kind of guy you would not mind meeting at a pub.

“Don’t tickle me there, buddy!”

But a REAL engineer works indoors and usually doesn’t see sunlight during the winter when days are shorter. Perhaps he had been a happy man who also danced and laughed, but now he is working.

“Hey, did you see that new app for G1 phone?”

Now let’s review a typical design lifecycle of an engineering product as experienced by both these fellas.

1. Conception

The TF2 engineer comes up with his own project idea based on his observations of problems experienced by his teammates.

“Hmm. Fast and weak. A gun mounted on a servo would do. Maybe a barrel gun? If I could stabilize it… hmm.. tiny rpg launcher?”

The real engineer has his project decided by some management people who likes to make decisions and pretty much nothing else.

Note that the actual engineer is not present in the meeting.

2. Design

The TF2 engineer formulates everything in his head and prepares the blueprints.

“Oh, she’s gonna be pretty!”

The real engineer, he designs everything on the computer, when he’s not checking his e-mail, reading the news, checking his e-mail, wandering around in wikipedia or checking his e-mail again.

This scene was recreated in cs_office, a counter-strike map, which takes place in a fantasy world. Normally, even a manager can’t get this much of a working space.

3. Building the prototype

The TF2 engineer works on his new toy for hours without eating or drinking. He builds everything himself, he greases and tightens every bolt, every gear.

His happy place. Artists dream of dying on stage, he dreams of dying in here.

The real engineer has his prototype built by “manufacturing people” whose job is to get half the thing wrong and blame the engineer for poor documentation.

- I don’t think that wire goes here, despite that engineer’s drawings.

- What does he know? Plug it over there.

4. Testing

The TF2 engineer field tests his prototype on live specimen, and with friends attending to share the excitement.

“Note to self, make the bulletproof glass also soundproof. Them scouts scream so bad, my ears are gonna bleed.”

The real engineer tests his prototype in a lab, using simulations and test benches on weird test stations with no internet access. <sigh>

“Yay, I got the red LED to blink! Time for a YouTube break!”

5. End User Experience

The TF2 engineer is his own customer, his own end user. He proudly uses his new toy, reaping the rewards of his hard work.

Wham, bam, thank you ma’am. “Next!”

The product built by the real engineer will be used by incompetent people who he will never see, and he is going to be haunted by the weirdest of problems reports from the field for the rest of his employment.

-This is boring. That Freeman guy is never gonna show up.

-Hey, Mike from Repairs told me to push this button that says “IFF disable”, says that gives it a real kick.

- Mike? He always cracks me up, hey, what’s that humming souaaaaaaargh..

In the end :

After a long hard day of work, the TF2 engineer enjoys some quality time with his buddies. Happiness is in small things, rare moments, anyway.

< laughter mixed with burps and loose sentences that never end >

And what about our hero, the real engineer? (Yeah he was the protagonist all along)

He sits in front of his computer and poses video game characters for an article on a gaming site. A true dystopia.

“I <3 GMOD”

Life.

You either live it to the full, or work so you can live it to the full.

 
It’s the philosophy that a lot of us live by, and it works. The only problem with this is that when we do live life to the full, it’s often very hard to return to reality again. Inevitable comparisions are drawn between the best and the normal, and it often becomes clear that the best can logically turn into a place you wish you’d never been, simply because returning to everyday life can be such an incredibly uncomfortable jolt.

But is that jolt worth the experiences that life brings?

Oh yes.

You might’ve gotten a hint that this game is played co-operatively with a team. Well, teamwork is just half the story; a team will not work together well if they don’t respect each other. That Medic won’t want to Uber you now after all the times you’ve let him die, the Heavy won’t like you if you use the teleporter as a Scout.

If you think your own team is secretly conspiring to get you auto-balanced, look no further! Just remember these points and you’ll be home dry!

Thank Engineers and Medics

“Z-2″ should be most frequently used voice command you use. When being healed by Medics or if your saved by a dispenser, say thank you! I’ve come to notice that if you thank Medics for healing you, they’re more likely to heal you more (or even Uber you, depending on the situation at hand). Medics and Engineers are arguably the two most valuable classes any team can have (not a whole team of them, obviously). Make them feel valued.

There’s one great selfless act of kindness I’ve noticed while playing on CTF maps. When you make it back to your base with the intel, drop it in front of the Engineers in your base and offer him to capture it. Why? Most CTF map Engies will be sitting around the base all day, setting up sentries while waiting for a lucky chancer to get in, maybe getting a kill once every so often before their sentry is taken down by an Uber. By letting the Engy cap the intel, not only does it make you look like a nicer person, but it gives them a greater feeling of reward for their efforts in setting up sentries and teleporters for your team. Of course, you don’t need to do this for every capture you make, but if you ever feel as if the Engy is bored, you could make him happier. I’ve never seen anybody do this other than that one time a while back… Let’s spread the love!

Don’t use the teleporter if you don’t need to

Teleporters should mostly be used by Heavies, Soldiers and Engineers (to quickly return to their gear and repair). Never use a teleporter if you are a Scout. Don’t say this doesn’t happen; because it does. The irony is, on most maps, a Scout can get to where the teleporter is in the same time it takes a Heavy to wait and use it. Don’t fight for teleports, either. If you see somebody already waiting to use one, don’t push them off and steal it. Infact, if you’re waiting for a teleporter to charge and you see a Heavy walk out of the spawn, offer him to use it instead.

Don’t Hog the Medic

It’s perfectly understandable if you’re slowly burning to death and you want some assistance. But mashing ‘E’ won’t help. People forget how difficult a Medic’s job becomes when everybody starts shouting Medic, his screen slowly filling up with lots of little speech bubbles. If you are a low on health and you know a Medic is around, first search for health packs and if none are around, retreat back to safe ground, call then wait. Sometimes standing in front of a Medic will somewhat force him to notice your health and heal you. Afterwards, thank him and move on. Don’t demand him to heal you for the entire game and leave everyone else to die. I have been in games as a Medic when one person always demands me to be with them and as soon as I stop giving them health to help a burning Spy, he’ll yell at me for not giving him enough health. If you want the Medic to uber you, wait until he actually gets an uber first. No full healthed player should be priority over burning or injured teammates.

Don’t Blame your Team

Nothing is worse than telling your own team how crap they are. Not everyone has God-like powers and can do everything the way you want to; relax! Most of the time a team will do worse if they have someone yelling down their speakers at them than if they have someone encouraging them. You don’t need to be over the top about it, but saying things like “good job on taking down that sentry” can sometimes just make your team feel better about themselves, even if you lose!

Communication is Key

Of course, no team can be respectful or co-operative if they can’t speak to each other. Now, I’m not expecting everyone who plays online games to buy a microphone so you can share the many ‘wonderful‘ singing/raging talents you possess. If you don’t have or don’t want to use a mic, try to use voice commands instead. It’s very helpful to inform your team of Spies, or telling them of incoming ubers or attackers. Just don’t spam the commands; If you keep yelling ‘Incoming!’ or accuse everyone of being a Spy, your team will most likely not pay any attention to anything you say. The boy who cried wolf, ‘n’ that.

All you need to do is keep these simple tips in mind and you too can be the respectable, likeable citizen we all wish to be!

Now get out of my sight.

Inspired by Pentadact’s, um, inspired “A stab at Meet the Spy”, I decided to try my hand at a fanfiction speculatory Meet the Class script. Rest assured, the pattern of heavy abuse continues (if you manage to get through the entire script).

Anyway, here it is. Have fun reading it, dummkopfs!

MEET THE MEDIC by Himmelstoss

Shots of various Lumberyard locations, all empty and peaceful. We hear the sound of a soldier, a scout, and a heavy screaming.

MEDIC

Zis might hurt a bit! (sound of gloves snapping)

SOLDIER

AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Title screen, Meet the Medic, copyright LOLOL, etc.

Cut to Medic standing next to an examination table with various sharp instruments on it. Setting appears to be a hospital of some kind, or maybe the lair of a mad scientist. There are splotches of blood on the otherwise clean, whitewashed walls.

MEDIC

I am ze Medic. I hurt people.

Medic pauses to adjust his glove.

Sometimes, I heal zem. Zat is my job.

Cut to battle scene. Camera is unsteady, and as explosions are heard in the background, the camera wobbles a little bit. Heavy is spraying bullets everywhere, laughing maniacally. Medic fires his syringe gun at someone offscreen, then switches to his medigun and starts to heal the heavy.

HEAVY

Thank you, doktor!

MEDIC

I am charged! Now go! Pops the ubercharge as they rush into battle.

Cut back to Medic at examination table.

MEDIC

Nostalgically, as he leans on the table. Ve medics have a long history. Ze first medic was called Hippocrates. He helped everyone.

Medic frowns disgustedly as he stands upright. Medic picks up a scalpel and twirls it around his fingers.

MEDIC

Good thing ze science has moved on, or schadenfreude specialists like me (points the scalpel at himself) vould be out of a job.

Cut back to battlefield. Various BLUs are mowed down by the minigun spray.

MEDIC

Hahaha! Oktoberfest! Danke, kamerad!

Cut back to examination table.

MEDIC

Anyway, I am here to heal ze team.

Cut to various classes each calling for medic, as follows. Medic is standing still, facing the viewer, as each class runs up to the medic, bleeding hard. Medic shifts his medigun beam to each of them and heals each of them.

SOLDIER

MEDIC!

HEAVY

DOKTOR!

PYRO

MMMPPHMMPPHHHH!

BLU spy with demoman disguise uncloaks behind the medic with his knife drawn.

BLU SPY (with mask of friendly demoman)

Medic.

Cut to close up of bone-saw lying on the table, with a tinge of blood on the blade. The medic’s gloved hand is tapping out a simple 4/4 rhythm on the table next to the saw.

Cut to close-up of MEDIC.

MEDIC

Pauses for a second. But it is a dangerous job, ja.  Ze spies don’t like ze men of science. Zey are always trying to fool me.

View of medic as he’s healing someone who is offscreen. The disguised spy is still behind the medic, and the medic’s eyes narrow suspiciously. The suspicious frown slowly changes to a diabolical grin.

Cut back to examination table.

MEDIC

Haha! Do zey really want to fool a man of science with zeir puny brain? I have looked at zeir brains, zey are very, very small! Holds thumb and forefinger a short distance apart for emphasis.

Back to the battlefield, close up on the spy’s face. The spy slowly takes off his mask to get a better view. His eyes are visible. His eyes widen as the camera zooms back, revealing the point of an ubersaw.

Cut back to examination table.

MEDIC

Chuckles. You know vat happens zere.

Cut to Medic as he peruses through a collection of bottles with colorful liquids. His eyes widen and he breaks a smile as he picks a bottle off the shelf with an orange-colored liquid with a skull and crossbones label on the side.

MEDIC

Ze healing is good. But (pause for emphasis) ze hurting (medic’s eyes widen with a look of sadistic pleasure) is better.

Cut to Medic as he fills oversize hypo with orange liquid. His expression speaks to his crazed psyche and immense bloodlust.

Cut to battle scene. BLU Heavy spraying bullets everywhere. His gun clicks – it’s out of ammo. The heavy turns around and is face to face with MEDIC. MEDIC has a bonesaw out and breaks an ear-to-ear smile.

BLU HEAVY

IS BAD! IS VERY BAD!

Camera looks at a peaceful scene (a grove of trees), while the sound of a bonesaw hitting heavy flesh is heard. The heavy is screaming in agony.

Cut to Medic as he lands the last blow on the heavy. He lifts his bloody bonesaw, then drops it. He snaps his gloves.

MEDIC

Haha! Anuzzer successful procedure!

Ending scene: zoom out on the TF2 banner from our man, Orange Box, TF2, etc.

A HUGE “danke schön” to General Balls and Hain for the Garry’s Moddage!

A week ago I bought Counter Strike Source so I could play with my friends who have it. I saw that it had more sales than TF2 in steam so it must be a better game right? Wrong. I found out how wrong the second I started playing. My average game would start with me spawning on the losing team and buying a gun. Every round everybody on a team would get pretty much the same annoying gun. Picture the heavy except average speed with a silenced gun that if it so much as glances your head the person is dead, that is the gun everybody always gets. I decided to go against the crowd and get a standard looking machine gun (they give you 4 choices but they are all the same gun with different sounds and skins). Immediately I saw how CSS doesn’t have the kind of teamwork TF2 does when everybody went off in different ways. I would try to follow someone and help them out normally, but it wasn’t the kind of teamwork I’ve seen in a heavy-medic combo. Then we would normally get into some kind of hallway at which point we would both be shot in the head with either an AK-47 or a M16 before we knew what would happen.

See how I left that white space there? That is the last thing you see once you round a corner because some moron on your team will throw a flash grenade and it will blind you making you walk into a wall while your brains decorate the ceiling.

I have always had a problem with how snipers in TF2 can one hit the low health classes with a body shot but it seems that CSS has taken it to a new level with the AWP sniper rifle which no matter where it hits on someone will one hit them. No charging involved. YES! LEGSHOT!

Then I thought I might be approaching this the wrong way and that I shouldn’t just run up and shoot people. So I decided to use Pyro tactics with the shotgun so I hid behind a corner and waited. After about 3 minutes of waiting I was suddenly dead and the person who killed me was behind a wall. I asked my friend what happened and he said I was “walled” which basically means that you can get one-hitted through a wall before you can defend yourself.

I would say the overall problem with CSS it that it tries too hard to be realistic.  Comparing this game to TF2 reminds me of those “Hi I’m a Mac” and even though I hate Macs (sorry madlep). The commercial shows that something can be serious and realistic but still not be the better thing to get. There are actually free mods I have downloaded that are better than CSS like Pirates, Vikings, and Knights (sorry no ninjas) and they are better because they don’t try to be realistic so much that the game is less fun. I mean, if real life were so great, would we be playing the game? It seems that the addictiveness of this game is because it is unbalanced. People log on to the servers because they have a legitimate chance of getting a 4 kill streak in 3 seconds.

As for me, I’m going to play some Badwater.

Best comment can have my counter strike source guest pass.

It struck me how NICE it is to be able to play TF2 and NOT have a bunch of people constantly ringing you up, hounding you with vague offers of better employment with all the perks at places on the other side of the fence with infinitely greener grass. All of which you know is crap, and you’ll probably end up with a pay cut, a worse job, and more annoying workmates – who are incompetent and forget to bathe.

Yes, I’m getting a little annoyed by it. You work in an industry for a while, and your resume ends up in a bunch of recruitment databases. I really don’t have a lot of time for these people, and have never had a good experience with any of them. They’re basically snakes. The whole business model is set up to see who you can annoy the most: the candidates; or the client companies.

But what if Team Fortress 2 DID have recruitment agents? The call would probably go something like this…

Hey madlep! It’s 1337H34DHunt3rz from 2Fort Personnel Solutions. How are things going?

um, ok I guess.

Oh great, great… How are the wife, parents, friends and all that?

Yeah, good…

Great, great. Kids doing good?

I don’t have any…

Oh, it’s a beautiful age. Make the most of it. Anyway, are you good to talk now?

Uh, no, not really, I’m in the middle of defence on badwater…

Oh great great. Hey listen, I want to touch base to just run a couple of opportunities by you. I’ve got some extremely interesting roles with some very exciting clients at the moment. I see from your stats that you’ve played a bit of spy?

No, not really. I think spy is like my 2nd least played class. I kind of suck at it.

Great, great. That’s what we want to hear. Anyway, my client is a major participant in the server you’re playing on, and they have some major expansion going on with some big new projects that require openings for a number of specialist, experienced spies.

Um, is that the BLU team?

I’m not at liberty to discuss that at this point. What makes you say that?

Well, I’m on the RED team, and we have a full team of 12. And the BLU team is basically all spies, and there are only 11 of them. They kind of suck. They’re trying to sap our sentries, but they’re getting chewed up by the pyros, and not changing their tactics at all. It’s kinda funny and sad at the same time.

Oh, so you’ve got experience with ZAPPERS? What level of ZAPPER is that? My client is after people with ZAPPER Portal PRO version 5 experience. Do you have exposure to ZAPPER Portal PRO version 5?

Do you mean “sappers”? I don’t think there is even such a thing as a “Zapper”. And sappers don’t come in levels, there is just one kind. I’ve never heard of a sapper having anything to do with portals either?

Hmm interesting… OK, so I can tell my client that you’d be interested in interviewing for the position?

No, not really, I don’t think I…

Superb! I’ll contact you later in the week after I’ve organised a time. Oh, just so you know, make sure you wear a suit to the interview. Being a Spy-shop, formal-corporate-attire is expected as the standard dress code. Ok! Bye!

But… I…
Gah.