ubercharged.net

YOU FAIL!!! you hear Ms. Swissmiss scream as the BLU’s take your final point. all thats left to do is wait in the spawn and die right? NO!!! Here are 5 helpful tips to help you survive after the match ends.

1. Be a Scout or Pyro
   You should be either of these classes because a scout can outrun people and a pyro can still kill people after the match is over. There is nothing more humiliating than being taunt killed by a pyro after they won.
2. Change your class before the round ends
   If there is 5 seconds left in the match and the cart is across the map from where you are its OK to change your class to something that could survive Humiliation better like a pyro.
3. OMGWTFBBQ
   The best chance of maintaining some cred from your team is to go down fighting. stand around a corner and try to roast people who come in.
4. Don’t hide in your spawn
   There is nothing more pitiful than when you lose a match in dustbowl and try to hide in the spawn. Nothing. But I guarantee one of these buggers will be there every time a round ends.
5. Taunt or Explode
   If you spawn the very second the round ends and the enemy is storming your base then you only have 2 options to keep your dignity. Taunting or exploding. I prefer exploding because of the shock factor to the other team when they see the person they are about to kill suddenly explode. You can blow yourself up by going to the console and typing “explode”.

Achievements are often talked about on this site. That’s not even all of them. So what new kernel am I bringing to the table? Well, I’m going to be using less rage at/sympathy for/attempt to help farmers or players at all, and talk about the achievements in general in part one, the weapons in part two, and finally in part three, user generated achievements and weapons.

First off, let’s look at the POINT of achievements. Why do they exist? You can’t claim it’s to give out unlockables- they existed independent of them before in other games and there are even some in TF2 that don’t unlock anything.

There are three basic reasons that a developer makes achievements. First and foremost, they are created to give you a good feeling. A “Wow! That was awesome!” sort of feeling, similar to that little bar you get when you die saying you lived almost as long as your longest life as that class. When you do something really impressive, and you get a message that everyone sees saying that, it’s a good feeling. They give you a sense of accomplishment- in other words, achievement.

The secondary goal, which is more pronounced in single player games, is to give you a goal. Something to try to do, whether it’s killing someone with a weak weapon, or killing lots of people in one life, or whatever. Who would have dragged that gnome across the game without the achievement in Half-Life 2:Episode 2? Not many people, I’m sure. Giving players something to do besides just winning the game can be a lot of fun, and for single player gives it some serious replay value.

And the final one, but the least significant, is a measure of skill. People with lots of Pyro achievements are (supposedly) good at playing Pyro. Bragging rights, in other words. This is less important in TF2, though, because of the rampant nature of farming. Farming means that getting an achievement is no longer that impressive- people doubt that it’s real much more.

So we’ve made a list of things an achievement should do: Give you a good feeling, give you a goal, and give you bragging rights.

Now let’s look at different types of achievements and how they fit these goals, AND how they affect other players

First off is the one everyone thinks of: A goal-based achievement. By goals based, I mean an achievement that is doing something out of the ordinary multiple times- an example would be Spontaneous Combustion or Icing on the Cake. These are, obviously, mostly focused on the second point of an achievement, but if they are difficult enough they can give you the other two. These are generally pretty friendly to other players, as they tend not to get too outlandish- the player is usually doing things that will help his team, even if they wouldn’t normally be doing it.

Second is the one everyone complains about: The action-based achievement. This is an achievement that makes you do something impressive once. Examples would be famously Blunt Trauma and You’ll Feel a Little Prick. These are mostly focused on bragging rights, and to some extent a good feeling, but they do give you something to try- and that’s the problem. These are EXTREMELY anti-social most of the time. It encourages you to do the wrong thing while trying to get an achievement. No one likes the medic ubering scouts like crazy to get his achievement. These are also the most often farmed, as they are often the hardest to get.

Another type is the good-run achievement. These are basically just doing something a lot of times in one life- examples are Intern and Lumberjack. These are based heavily in good feeling and secondarily in bragging rights, although some (like Lumberjack) are goal based. These can be harmful or helpful, depending on the class and type. Things like Lumberjack are bad- they encourage people to do stupid things over and over. Intern, however, is a good test of skill, and it makes Medics more timid and focused on healing- not really a bad thing.

The last major type is the grind achievement. Obviously, this is just doing something normal, only a lot- like Pyromancer and Chief of Medicine. These are based in bragging rights again, and very rarely mess up play- you’re doing the normal thing, so it’s not going to make you act stupid.

So what makes a good achievement? It should make you feel good, give you something to do, and not interrupt play. I think they’re getting better about this- the medic pack was full of stupidity, but the heavy pack is mostly fair game. By the spy update, farming might be reserved solely for people who want the weapons fast. And speaking of weapons, that’s the next topic.

As part of our government funding, we are obliged to carry messages from the prospective candidates for the upcoming election. Returning you to regular scheduled ubercharging shortly…

Here is why YOU weak ubercharged reader vote for me! Heavy in upcoming election!

Pro-active Gun Control Stance

I see babies everywhere! BABIES!

These BABIES cannot control puny guns! Heavy teach whole county to control MIGHTY gun like sasha. Gun control important! Little BABIES need big muscles to lift heavy gun. Heavy outlaw silly scout shotgun and build muscle on whiny scout teenagers.

Strong Economic Credentials

Weak men make puny collateralized debt obligations backed by flimsy subprime mortgages and threaten world with economic depression! This makes Heavy sad! So Heavy make world happy again! First, Heavy take back $700 billion in federal bail out to PUNY Wall St. NEXT! Heavy use money to go on 8 month world tour firing Sasha non-stop bringing joy and music to unhappy people! Engineer say it take 8 months to fire $700 billion worth of $200 custom tooled cartridges. So yah, dis will work.

Proven Leadership Track Record

I am giant in movie shows. Then! I governed California!

Universal Health Care As A Basic Right

In good world, there are two medics for every big man with gun. But I see those with just 300 health, and no chance of uber? This is wrong! Now heavy cannot make miracle. Heavy cannot charge doktor from nowhere no matter how much Heavy scream “MEDIC!”. But Heavy can do next best thing and provide universal sandviches for entire population. Not one puny baby will be without sandvich! Om nom nom!

Progressive Social Policies

Yah. Is beautiful thing love of gun for man! Sasha and I are VERY happy! Heavy make is legal for whole world to marry gun! Backward hillbilly say this is wrong! But me and Sasha show them who right.

Simple rednecks shoot innocent moose. COWARDS! Moose not shoot back! Heavy and Sasha shoot ENTIRE TEAM of little men! THAT is beauty and love.

VOTE HEAVY 08!

SO MUCH ELECTION! VOTE HEAVY COWARDS!

Another application I found deep in the recesses of the RED team base

I am an engineer, for real. That’s what I do for a living. When my friends see that engineer is my second most played class in TF2, they ask why I can not let go of engineering even in the fantasy world of gaming.  The answer is, I am. Engineering has nothing to do with what you do in TF2, but to make my case I prepared a set of slides to introduce to you the real life engineer and compare him with his jolly TF2 counterpart.

Introduction

The TF2 engineer is a generally happy man. He works outdoors, dances and laughs. This is the kind of guy you would not mind meeting at a pub.

“Don’t tickle me there, buddy!”

But a REAL engineer works indoors and usually doesn’t see sunlight during the winter when days are shorter. Perhaps he had been a happy man who also danced and laughed, but now he is working.

“Hey, did you see that new app for G1 phone?”

Now let’s review a typical design lifecycle of an engineering product as experienced by both these fellas.

1. Conception

The TF2 engineer comes up with his own project idea based on his observations of problems experienced by his teammates.

“Hmm. Fast and weak. A gun mounted on a servo would do. Maybe a barrel gun? If I could stabilize it… hmm.. tiny rpg launcher?”

The real engineer has his project decided by some management people who likes to make decisions and pretty much nothing else.

Note that the actual engineer is not present in the meeting.

2. Design

The TF2 engineer formulates everything in his head and prepares the blueprints.

“Oh, she’s gonna be pretty!”

The real engineer, he designs everything on the computer, when he’s not checking his e-mail, reading the news, checking his e-mail, wandering around in wikipedia or checking his e-mail again.

This scene was recreated in cs_office, a counter-strike map, which takes place in a fantasy world. Normally, even a manager can’t get this much of a working space.

3. Building the prototype

The TF2 engineer works on his new toy for hours without eating or drinking. He builds everything himself, he greases and tightens every bolt, every gear.

His happy place. Artists dream of dying on stage, he dreams of dying in here.

The real engineer has his prototype built by “manufacturing people” whose job is to get half the thing wrong and blame the engineer for poor documentation.

- I don’t think that wire goes here, despite that engineer’s drawings.

- What does he know? Plug it over there.

4. Testing

The TF2 engineer field tests his prototype on live specimen, and with friends attending to share the excitement.

“Note to self, make the bulletproof glass also soundproof. Them scouts scream so bad, my ears are gonna bleed.”

The real engineer tests his prototype in a lab, using simulations and test benches on weird test stations with no internet access. <sigh>

“Yay, I got the red LED to blink! Time for a YouTube break!”

5. End User Experience

The TF2 engineer is his own customer, his own end user. He proudly uses his new toy, reaping the rewards of his hard work.

Wham, bam, thank you ma’am. “Next!”

The product built by the real engineer will be used by incompetent people who he will never see, and he is going to be haunted by the weirdest of problems reports from the field for the rest of his employment.

-This is boring. That Freeman guy is never gonna show up.

-Hey, Mike from Repairs told me to push this button that says “IFF disable”, says that gives it a real kick.

- Mike? He always cracks me up, hey, what’s that humming souaaaaaaargh..

In the end :

After a long hard day of work, the TF2 engineer enjoys some quality time with his buddies. Happiness is in small things, rare moments, anyway.

< laughter mixed with burps and loose sentences that never end >

And what about our hero, the real engineer? (Yeah he was the protagonist all along)

He sits in front of his computer and poses video game characters for an article on a gaming site. A true dystopia.

“I <3 GMOD”

Life.

You either live it to the full, or work so you can live it to the full.

 
It’s the philosophy that a lot of us live by, and it works. The only problem with this is that when we do live life to the full, it’s often very hard to return to reality again. Inevitable comparisions are drawn between the best and the normal, and it often becomes clear that the best can logically turn into a place you wish you’d never been, simply because returning to everyday life can be such an incredibly uncomfortable jolt.

But is that jolt worth the experiences that life brings?

Oh yes.

If, for some daft reason, you want to download the video for absolute premium quality awesome, hit the 300MB monster here. Extreme thanks to Simon_Says for uploading this video where I couldn’t.

You might’ve gotten a hint that this game is played co-operatively with a team. Well, teamwork is just half the story; a team will not work together well if they don’t respect each other. That Medic won’t want to Uber you now after all the times you’ve let him die, the Heavy won’t like you if you use the teleporter as a Scout.

If you think your own team is secretly conspiring to get you auto-balanced, look no further! Just remember these points and you’ll be home dry!

Thank Engineers and Medics

“Z-2″ should be most frequently used voice command you use. When being healed by Medics or if your saved by a dispenser, say thank you! I’ve come to notice that if you thank Medics for healing you, they’re more likely to heal you more (or even Uber you, depending on the situation at hand). Medics and Engineers are arguably the two most valuable classes any team can have (not a whole team of them, obviously). Make them feel valued.

There’s one great selfless act of kindness I’ve noticed while playing on CTF maps. When you make it back to your base with the intel, drop it in front of the Engineers in your base and offer him to capture it. Why? Most CTF map Engies will be sitting around the base all day, setting up sentries while waiting for a lucky chancer to get in, maybe getting a kill once every so often before their sentry is taken down by an Uber. By letting the Engy cap the intel, not only does it make you look like a nicer person, but it gives them a greater feeling of reward for their efforts in setting up sentries and teleporters for your team. Of course, you don’t need to do this for every capture you make, but if you ever feel as if the Engy is bored, you could make him happier. I’ve never seen anybody do this other than that one time a while back… Let’s spread the love!

Don’t use the teleporter if you don’t need to

Teleporters should mostly be used by Heavies, Soldiers and Engineers (to quickly return to their gear and repair). Never use a teleporter if you are a Scout. Don’t say this doesn’t happen; because it does. The irony is, on most maps, a Scout can get to where the teleporter is in the same time it takes a Heavy to wait and use it. Don’t fight for teleports, either. If you see somebody already waiting to use one, don’t push them off and steal it. Infact, if you’re waiting for a teleporter to charge and you see a Heavy walk out of the spawn, offer him to use it instead.

Don’t Hog the Medic

It’s perfectly understandable if you’re slowly burning to death and you want some assistance. But mashing ‘E’ won’t help. People forget how difficult a Medic’s job becomes when everybody starts shouting Medic, his screen slowly filling up with lots of little speech bubbles. If you are a low on health and you know a Medic is around, first search for health packs and if none are around, retreat back to safe ground, call then wait. Sometimes standing in front of a Medic will somewhat force him to notice your health and heal you. Afterwards, thank him and move on. Don’t demand him to heal you for the entire game and leave everyone else to die. I have been in games as a Medic when one person always demands me to be with them and as soon as I stop giving them health to help a burning Spy, he’ll yell at me for not giving him enough health. If you want the Medic to uber you, wait until he actually gets an uber first. No full healthed player should be priority over burning or injured teammates.

Don’t Blame your Team

Nothing is worse than telling your own team how crap they are. Not everyone has God-like powers and can do everything the way you want to; relax! Most of the time a team will do worse if they have someone yelling down their speakers at them than if they have someone encouraging them. You don’t need to be over the top about it, but saying things like “good job on taking down that sentry” can sometimes just make your team feel better about themselves, even if you lose!

Communication is Key

Of course, no team can be respectful or co-operative if they can’t speak to each other. Now, I’m not expecting everyone who plays online games to buy a microphone so you can share the many ‘wonderful‘ singing/raging talents you possess. If you don’t have or don’t want to use a mic, try to use voice commands instead. It’s very helpful to inform your team of Spies, or telling them of incoming ubers or attackers. Just don’t spam the commands; If you keep yelling ‘Incoming!’ or accuse everyone of being a Spy, your team will most likely not pay any attention to anything you say. The boy who cried wolf, ‘n’ that.

All you need to do is keep these simple tips in mind and you too can be the respectable, likeable citizen we all wish to be!

Now get out of my sight.

Inspired by Pentadact’s, um, inspired “A stab at Meet the Spy”, I decided to try my hand at a fanfiction speculatory Meet the Class script. Rest assured, the pattern of heavy abuse continues (if you manage to get through the entire script).

Anyway, here it is. Have fun reading it, dummkopfs!

MEET THE MEDIC by Himmelstoss

Shots of various Lumberyard locations, all empty and peaceful. We hear the sound of a soldier, a scout, and a heavy screaming.

MEDIC

Zis might hurt a bit! (sound of gloves snapping)

SOLDIER

AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Title screen, Meet the Medic, copyright LOLOL, etc.

Cut to Medic standing next to an examination table with various sharp instruments on it. Setting appears to be a hospital of some kind, or maybe the lair of a mad scientist. There are splotches of blood on the otherwise clean, whitewashed walls.

MEDIC

I am ze Medic. I hurt people.

Medic pauses to adjust his glove.

Sometimes, I heal zem. Zat is my job.

Cut to battle scene. Camera is unsteady, and as explosions are heard in the background, the camera wobbles a little bit. Heavy is spraying bullets everywhere, laughing maniacally. Medic fires his syringe gun at someone offscreen, then switches to his medigun and starts to heal the heavy.

HEAVY

Thank you, doktor!

MEDIC

I am charged! Now go! Pops the ubercharge as they rush into battle.

Cut back to Medic at examination table.

MEDIC

Nostalgically, as he leans on the table. Ve medics have a long history. Ze first medic was called Hippocrates. He helped everyone.

Medic frowns disgustedly as he stands upright. Medic picks up a scalpel and twirls it around his fingers.

MEDIC

Good thing ze science has moved on, or schadenfreude specialists like me (points the scalpel at himself) vould be out of a job.

Cut back to battlefield. Various BLUs are mowed down by the minigun spray.

MEDIC

Hahaha! Oktoberfest! Danke, kamerad!

Cut back to examination table.

MEDIC

Anyway, I am here to heal ze team.

Cut to various classes each calling for medic, as follows. Medic is standing still, facing the viewer, as each class runs up to the medic, bleeding hard. Medic shifts his medigun beam to each of them and heals each of them.

SOLDIER

MEDIC!

HEAVY

DOKTOR!

PYRO

MMMPPHMMPPHHHH!

BLU spy with demoman disguise uncloaks behind the medic with his knife drawn.

BLU SPY (with mask of friendly demoman)

Medic.

Cut to close up of bone-saw lying on the table, with a tinge of blood on the blade. The medic’s gloved hand is tapping out a simple 4/4 rhythm on the table next to the saw.

Cut to close-up of MEDIC.

MEDIC

Pauses for a second. But it is a dangerous job, ja.  Ze spies don’t like ze men of science. Zey are always trying to fool me.

View of medic as he’s healing someone who is offscreen. The disguised spy is still behind the medic, and the medic’s eyes narrow suspiciously. The suspicious frown slowly changes to a diabolical grin.

Cut back to examination table.

MEDIC

Haha! Do zey really want to fool a man of science with zeir puny brain? I have looked at zeir brains, zey are very, very small! Holds thumb and forefinger a short distance apart for emphasis.

Back to the battlefield, close up on the spy’s face. The spy slowly takes off his mask to get a better view. His eyes are visible. His eyes widen as the camera zooms back, revealing the point of an ubersaw.

Cut back to examination table.

MEDIC

Chuckles. You know vat happens zere.

Cut to Medic as he peruses through a collection of bottles with colorful liquids. His eyes widen and he breaks a smile as he picks a bottle off the shelf with an orange-colored liquid with a skull and crossbones label on the side.

MEDIC

Ze healing is good. But (pause for emphasis) ze hurting (medic’s eyes widen with a look of sadistic pleasure) is better.

Cut to Medic as he fills oversize hypo with orange liquid. His expression speaks to his crazed psyche and immense bloodlust.

Cut to battle scene. BLU Heavy spraying bullets everywhere. His gun clicks - it’s out of ammo. The heavy turns around and is face to face with MEDIC. MEDIC has a bonesaw out and breaks an ear-to-ear smile.

BLU HEAVY

IS BAD! IS VERY BAD!

Camera looks at a peaceful scene (a grove of trees), while the sound of a bonesaw hitting heavy flesh is heard. The heavy is screaming in agony.

Cut to Medic as he lands the last blow on the heavy. He lifts his bloody bonesaw, then drops it. He snaps his gloves.

MEDIC

Haha! Anuzzer successful procedure!

Ending scene: zoom out on the TF2 banner from our man, Orange Box, TF2, etc.

A HUGE “danke schön” to General Balls and Hain for the Garry’s Moddage!

A week ago I bought Counter Strike Source so I could play with my friends who have it. I saw that it had more sales than TF2 in steam so it must be a better game right? Wrong. I found out how wrong the second I started playing. My average game would start with me spawning on the losing team and buying a gun. Every round everybody on a team would get pretty much the same annoying gun. Picture the heavy except average speed with a silenced gun that if it so much as glances your head the person is dead, that is the gun everybody always gets. I decided to go against the crowd and get a standard looking machine gun (they give you 4 choices but they are all the same gun with different sounds and skins). Immediately I saw how CSS doesn’t have the kind of teamwork TF2 does when everybody went off in different ways. I would try to follow someone and help them out normally, but it wasn’t the kind of teamwork I’ve seen in a heavy-medic combo. Then we would normally get into some kind of hallway at which point we would both be shot in the head with either an AK-47 or a M16 before we knew what would happen.

See how I left that white space there? That is the last thing you see once you round a corner because some moron on your team will throw a flash grenade and it will blind you making you walk into a wall while your brains decorate the ceiling.

I have always had a problem with how snipers in TF2 can one hit the low health classes with a body shot but it seems that CSS has taken it to a new level with the AWP sniper rifle which no matter where it hits on someone will one hit them. No charging involved. YES! LEGSHOT!

Then I thought I might be approaching this the wrong way and that I shouldn’t just run up and shoot people. So I decided to use Pyro tactics with the shotgun so I hid behind a corner and waited. After about 3 minutes of waiting I was suddenly dead and the person who killed me was behind a wall. I asked my friend what happened and he said I was “walled” which basically means that you can get one-hitted through a wall before you can defend yourself.

I would say the overall problem with CSS it that it tries too hard to be realistic.  Comparing this game to TF2 reminds me of those “Hi I’m a Mac” and even though I hate Macs (sorry madlep). The commercial shows that something can be serious and realistic but still not be the better thing to get. There are actually free mods I have downloaded that are better than CSS like Pirates, Vikings, and Knights (sorry no ninjas) and they are better because they don’t try to be realistic so much that the game is less fun. I mean, if real life were so great, would we be playing the game? It seems that the addictiveness of this game is because it is unbalanced. People log on to the servers because they have a legitimate chance of getting a 4 kill streak in 3 seconds.

As for me, I’m going to play some Badwater.

Best comment can have my counter strike source guest pass.

It struck me how NICE it is to be able to play TF2 and NOT have a bunch of people constantly ringing you up, hounding you with vague offers of better employment with all the perks at places on the other side of the fence with infinitely greener grass. All of which you know is crap, and you’ll probably end up with a pay cut, a worse job, and more annoying workmates - who are incompetent and forget to bathe.

Yes, I’m getting a little annoyed by it. You work in an industry for a while, and your resume ends up in a bunch of recruitment databases. I really don’t have a lot of time for these people, and have never had a good experience with any of them. They’re basically snakes. The whole business model is set up to see who you can annoy the most: the candidates; or the client companies.

But what if Team Fortress 2 DID have recruitment agents? The call would probably go something like this…

Hey madlep! It’s 1337H34DHunt3rz from 2Fort Personnel Solutions. How are things going?

um, ok I guess.

Oh great, great… How are the wife, parents, friends and all that?

Yeah, good…

Great, great. Kids doing good?

I don’t have any…

Oh, it’s a beautiful age. Make the most of it. Anyway, are you good to talk now?

Uh, no, not really, I’m in the middle of defence on badwater…

Oh great great. Hey listen, I want to touch base to just run a couple of opportunities by you. I’ve got some extremely interesting roles with some very exciting clients at the moment. I see from your stats that you’ve played a bit of spy?

No, not really. I think spy is like my 2nd least played class. I kind of suck at it.

Great, great. That’s what we want to hear. Anyway, my client is a major participant in the server you’re playing on, and they have some major expansion going on with some big new projects that require openings for a number of specialist, experienced spies.

Um, is that the BLU team?

I’m not at liberty to discuss that at this point. What makes you say that?

Well, I’m on the RED team, and we have a full team of 12. And the BLU team is basically all spies, and there are only 11 of them. They kind of suck. They’re trying to sap our sentries, but they’re getting chewed up by the pyros, and not changing their tactics at all. It’s kinda funny and sad at the same time.

Oh, so you’ve got experience with ZAPPERS? What level of ZAPPER is that? My client is after people with ZAPPER Portal PRO version 5 experience. Do you have exposure to ZAPPER Portal PRO version 5?

Do you mean “sappers”? I don’t think there is even such a thing as a “Zapper”. And sappers don’t come in levels, there is just one kind. I’ve never heard of a sapper having anything to do with portals either?

Hmm interesting… OK, so I can tell my client that you’d be interested in interviewing for the position?

No, not really, I don’t think I…

Superb! I’ll contact you later in the week after I’ve organised a time. Oh, just so you know, make sure you wear a suit to the interview. Being a Spy-shop, formal-corporate-attire is expected as the standard dress code. Ok! Bye!

But… I…
Gah.

Hey kid. Still alive? Well I’ll be… I owe Pyro a fiver then. Alright alright I know you’re excited after your brief spell of a tour. Pah! Ah kid! Ya crack me up! Be the best? Never lose? Sure, sure you’re full of naive optimism now, but yer gonna lose, and lose hard. Sometimes it’ll be ya fault, moreso in your case kid, others it’ll be due ta a bad team ya stuck with. There are teams out there that’ll steamroll right over you, they won’t give ya a chance to recover. They’ll have a line of ubercharges waiting, sending ‘em in one by one slowly crackin’ your defences or even attacks. Even if yer with a good team of folk there’s always a team that’ll catch ya of guard and keep ya there. Smashing through your defences like they were made of twine.

Steamrolled!

Then there are other battles, ones that can last forever. I’ve been in a few, some have lasted so long I was called away before the end. Now these kinda fights don’t need anything but a half way decent team, they secure the middle ground first and push ya back to base securing all but yer last stand. These kinds of fights tend ta happen on battlefields like Fastlane, Well, and Badlands. See once they got the land outside yer base, they can attack and defend from it. Yer deadlocked. Be hard ta take back the land, by the time you’ve taken it back they’ve sent another wave to steal it right back from ya.

Mine! No MINE!

Well sure those fights can be won, but you’ll get a feeling when one of these battles occurs. Sure ya hope for some lucky break in their defence, but deep down ya know that this time, this time it just ain’t gonna happen. So what do ya do? Ya settle in and make damn sure they don’t take that last post. Ya pound them right back keeping ‘em at the front gates, keeping ‘em at bay. Spent some time wit’ a heavy both us just letting loose with all hellfire, bunkered down next ta a dispenser. We kept ‘em at bay, and that’s all yer team can do sometimes. Their attacks are so constant ya don’t got time to try and move forward. Just tryin’ to stop ‘em gettin’ any further. But ya gotta be wary or a stray scout or spy will cap’ your base before you can even turn round. I tell ya ain’t nothin’ more scary seein’ few uber’s comin’ yer way. Handle it bad and the enemy’ll flood in and all yer work been for naught.

Hah! The human condition is what that is kid. Even tho’ it don’t make an ‘effin difference if ya lose that land, yer still protect it with yer last. ’cause at the end of the day, even if you run outta time they still win, they own more of the land than you do. But they ain’t got your patch, and that’s somethin’. Ain’t much but you learn it can be enough. Fighting tooth and bleedin’ nail ta protect somethin’. Don’t matter what, it’s yers and more to the point it ain’t theirs. A king of a anthill is still a king. The underdog makes a triumphant comeback? No sometimes the underdog gets beat, but ya know what? The snipers still snipe. The engie’s rebuild. Pyro’s relight their flames. Heavies spin their guns. Medic’s recharge their uber. You wanna know why? ’cause even if yer gonna lose, yer gonna make ‘em damn well work for it.

Gonna be a long day

Hello boys and girls. Welcome to another edition of defining words and phrases from our collective TF2 gaming. This time, the phrase is simple, but carries volumes of meaning. Some of you may of heard of it, some don’t know what to call it, but all of you have experienced it. Gentlemen, I am talking about “that point”.

Half of the Ubercharged community yells “What are you talking about? Surely someone such as I, who plays Team Fortress 2 countless hours, would know this ‘point’ and not have to hear an explanation!” The other half of the community skips over this article because of it’s lack of a video. Well, to the first half, this is not an article teaching you something new. As stated before, anyone who has played TF2 has expirenced this. Nay, anyone who has played a video game has expirenced this. I am just telling you this sensation has a name (or phrase).
 
“That point”, sometimes causes or is directly related to, ragequiting. Although often paired together, these are two very seperate phenomenons. “That point” is the time when playing TF2 and you tell yourself “I’ve had enough of this.” It’s when the opposite team has built up so much steam that their running over everyone else with their pwnitude. It’s the moment that you realize that you’ve been backstabbed for the 12th time. When pyros ruin your cloak with their revealing flames every single time you go spy. When you think you’re safe from a sniper, the deathcam tells you of an impossible headshot. When you ubercharge another player to take out a sentry, and you fail miserably. The list can go on depending on the number of things that set you off. 

Spys are the biggest helping hand to reaching that point. It doesn’t matter if you are one or if your team has only one. All classes are victim to his insta-kill, and just about every class can kill him in one hit. When you are approaching that point, the chances of you killing a spy with a critical go to 0. The chances of them stabbing you and destroying all of your work becomes close to 100%. There won’t be any allies nearby to kill him, or save your stuff from slowly dieing, or help you rebuild it. This will repeat over and over, until you learn that no one on your team is going to help you. No one will warn you of the slowly uncloaking spy right behind you. No one will wack sappers off of your sentry while you wait to respawn. The enemy will win.
 
Now you’re on offense. “Maybe it was only that round.” You tell yourself. Now that you’re on offense, you can dish out some pain, instead of just taking it. Under normal circumstances, you’d be right. But you’re reaching that point. You will not win this fight. You may not even get past the first control point. There will either be a team of engineers with a batalion of level 3 sentrys, shotguns full, and super Cloaked Spy X-ray Goggles (copyright), or a group of flame resistant pyros spewing fire of death that will injure you long after he’s died. These pyros also wear the super Cloaked Spy X-ray Goggles under their masks. Finally, as if to throw salt on the wound, there will be one proficient Sniper, and one Ghost.
 
I say Ghost, and not Spy, because there is a difference in the level of skill for Spys and Ghosts. Ghosts have mastered the class. They never die. They are dominating everyone on the opposite team. They are never seen more than once, not counting the deathcam, and even then, they might already be cloaked. The deathcam will show you nothing, and you wonder if maybe the game gliched. And when you are close to that point, his only target will be you.

“But Lojo!” you cry. “You havn’t given us any definition yet!” If you havn’t figured it out by now, it’s the point when you are so pissed with TF2 that you feel like doing something else. Some will post comments or write on the forums that they have never expirenced “that point”. That there are times when they finish playing Team Fortress 2 and say to themselves “That was fun.” Do not belittle them. They are just trying to keep the hope alive. To make us feel like it was worth it, even though we lose ourselves in anger.
 
I am not telling you to stop playing TF2. By all means, enjoy your time as much as possible, even with that point looming over the horizon. If you think about it, all forms of fun require some sacrifice. I am just here to enlighten you.
 
Until next time, boys and girls. Until next time.

This was found in a classified drawer in the red base.

Spotted this one over at TeamFortressFailFort - which is a nice looking newish TF2 blog. They’ve got a lot of good Team Fortress 2 content, a lot I haven’t seen before. They were nice enough to add us to the blog roll, so I’ve done the same

Anyway, this one was cool. It’s a Film Noir take on the Heavy. It’s by Tsunami Jones over at the Steam Forums

We’ve all been there. We’ve all been on a team that is wiping the floor with the opposition, watching them all burn and get stabbed in the back whilst a unhealthy dose of rockets and bullets also head their way. We’ve all entered into the last minute of the match knowing that victory is practically assured… And then we’ve all died in an unfortunate meeting with a critical rocket, seen those little scales pop up and had the sinking realisation that victory is lost and now you’re the puppet who is going to be dying a lot. That little picture that represents team balance – It’s so small, yet so mind-numbingly soul crushing.

I hate team balance with a passion, for the simple reason that it doesn’t work. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know the theory – Balance the numbers up, and it leads to a closer and fairer match. Yet have you ever seen an occasion where one person switching sides has changed the match from a massacre to a meeting of the minds? The concept seems to go against the essence of the game itself – It’s TEAM Fortress 2. Even if you’re the best player in the world, ending up on a team of disorganized players is going to bear no effect on the final result. On the other side of the coin, an organized team causing chaos isn’t going to take a knock if one person disappears. Therefore you’re left with the same inevitable result, only with the added bonus of knowing the fact that the one person who was forced to switch teams is cursing his luck.

Oh, but I forget to mention – That’s if the person who was forced to switch actually chooses to stick with the decision. Let’s face it, if you or someone else gets switched to the winning side in the dying seconds of a game there’s going to be no complaints… Even if this hardly ever happens, because people who are winning will never leave and let the slots open to you. But if the switch puts you on the losing team, it takes someone with guts to accept it and play on regardless. Otherwise, the desperate need to win will probably see that player dive into a spectator slot until they can get back in the home of the winners. Again, we’ve all been there – A losing team with player slots that could easily be occupied, but in reality the spectator list is brimming over because no-one wants to go there.

So, the chances are that the team balance effect will instantly be negated because the player who was switched instantly switches back, and even if they do stick around there’s very little chance the end result will change anyway. So my question is this – Why? Why does the option to balance teams even exist? Why do people turn it on only to find out they fall victim to it? After seeing a soldier absolutely destroying my losing team, only to get switched, stand in the spawn for 20 seconds or so and then switch back, I realised something… There is no answer to this question, besides the fact that people believe it will make a difference. In reality, if you take a step back and also reflect on what I’ve just said, you’ll also see that there is no difference at all. It’ll make you one very sad panda.

(General Balls made this picture. Worship his mad Gmod skillz.)

So, what to do?

I suppose I’d like to see some sort of balance system implemented to make games tighter, but it’d have to be one that is noticeable instead of just thrown in for the sake of it. My first thought was that a team that is losing by a great margin or who has a distinct lack of numbers could be rewarded with a very slight increase in the possibility to land a critical hit… I’m not sure if this would work in reality, but in my mind you still need to be strong and work as a team to take advantage of the gap that opens up after three or four people are blown into bits by a crit rocket or two. Another idea that popped into my head was the idea of the map subtly changing over time and in response to the situation. We saw how Steel opened up new paths when the offensive team succeeded – How about a team running out of time, or with only one or two people, being given more options for routes to take or methods to attack with? Heck, even subtle changes such as the cart moving faster on Goldrush and Badwater Basin as the timer hits its dying seconds could create interesting situations. I admit that these ideas may be flawed or need work, but at least they’d create a better way of balancing teams than the one that exists as of now.

After all, when it comes to enjoying close matches? Well, it’s all a question of balance…

I’ve heard it said that the skills used in playing the Pyro extend as far as the use of the left mouse button and the ‘W’ key. While starting to play the Pyro doesn’t require any explicit instruction (unlike classes such as the Spy) playing Pyro like that won’t get you far unless you’re playing other newbies.

What is the role of a Pyro?

Valve has it as offence, but even in an assault team of Soldiers and Heavies, the Pyro’s job seems to be spychecking, rocket tennis, or catching anyone coming up from behind. The short range screams defence, yet Demomen and Engineers are clearly better defenders. Personally, I’d say the Pyro is a support class, far more so than the Spy (offence), Sniper (long range defence) and perhaps even the Medic (the most effective offensive action in the game is surely an übercharge).

The first thing to remember with the Pyro is that runing at almost any enemy head on will kill you (details below). This makes you useless as an offensive class proper (aka tank) unless you have an übercharge - and even then, you need good positioning. Your offensive role is usually disrupting the enemy defence, rather than breaking through it. You might be flaring enemy Snipers, or trying to sneak up on them. Though you can’t rush at an assault team, you can take them all out in seconds with the right approach. Foremost in your mind must be “where is the enemy, and what is the enemy doing?”. This will tell you what direction to approach the enemy from. If they are on a cart or control point and in conflict with your teammates, you should find a way round so you can take them all out from behind. If they are pushing forward, find a convenient hideyhole to attack as soon as they get past. If there’s lots of conflict, catch them oblivious as they race from their spawn point. Or if their Medics are hanging back, it is your job to hunt them down before they fill their übercharge meters - and if they’ve already got them, it’s up to you to sacrifice yourself so they fire off too early to use the übercharges on your team’s sentries.

Then there’s defence. Enemies that would normally retreat or keep their distance can’t do that when they need to push a cart or capture a control point. On the other hand, keeping behind a corner, setting attackers on fire, and retreating to the next corner can take fifty health points per enemy you set on fire per corner, plus any initial damage. Meanwhile, you get to choose which corners you use, and you have time to go back and restock; on the other hand, if one of them hangs back, it slows all of them down. If you have a good Spy on the team, try to co-ordinate, or at least be aware of what they’re up to - don’t chase enemies they’re stalking, or they’re more likely to notice, and kill you both. If they sap a sentry, you may need to finish it off before the owner can fix it. And if they’ve just been found out, the enemy will in all likelihood turn a hundred and eighty degrees to shoot each other, which would be a perfect time to backburn them all from the front, so to speak.

In control point and payload maps, consider team goals. As red, your objective is not simply ‘defence’, but also forcing blue to waste time. If you can’t get round the enemy (as may be the case in Goldrush stages one and two just before/after the first capture), don’t just sit and wait - consider rushing in at close quarters, while the terrain is advantageous, and ignite as many as you can. You might not get any kills at all - but you can cause them to scatter, breaking the lines for a Heavy to come in and mow them down, or forcing them to wait and heal back up, or giving Engineers time to upgrade. When you respawn, you may be quick enough to get the ambush you were after anyway. As previously noted, Medics are a primary target.

Players are rarely this calm whilst on fire.

As blue, your objective is not simply to push the cart or capture the point, it’s to force red to spread their defences thinly, and disrupt them where possible. Your speed means you can pop in and out of doorways, harassing Snipers, sentries, and Heavies with your shotgun or flare gun - with the threat that if they don’t cover it, you’ll be coming out in force with the flamethrower. Forcing red to set up sentries to watch obscure routes is a victory for you, because an Engineer must spend most of their time keeping the equipment spy-free, while you need visit only now and then to make sure they’re still defending the place. Finally, there are cases where you can take out sentries without an über. If you team is being mauled by one, come from another direction - if it is still busy slaughtering your teammates, you can usually finish out, Engineer included, even if there are other enemies about. Sure, you’ll die, but by the time you get back, you’ll only have a poxy level 1 sentry, which you can often take out on your own. Again, Engineer included. Meanwhile, your teammates push on.

The skill of the Pyro - aside from being able to keep your crosshairs on the enemy Pyros - is about assessing the situation, and reacting to changes, constantly being aware of your teammates’ abilities, locations, and activities. This observation is not always easy when your short range makes you wary of the sorts of open spaces that give you the view you want. You need to keep an eye on the kill notifiers and listen for the clues that tell you what is going on in the rest of the map. A (sobering) comparison will tell you that for any job (bar spychecking), there’s another, better class - you’re a Spy with no cloak or disguise and a less effective backstab, you’re a fragile Heavy with a two metre range, you’re a weak Sniper with a bit of a parabolic drop on the flare canister, you’re a demoman who needs to get up close before blasting your enemies into the air. But of the four ‘tough’ classes, you’re the fastest, which is why it’s up to you to cover while the reinforcements get there. Plus, as you’re most useful in the thick of danger, you will very often die (average lifespan: circa 35 seconds), and so you’ve most frequently got the opportunity to swap out to the class whose job you were doing until you got yourself killed. In short, you are a temp, and as such, people will already have decided whether they will trust you or blame you: you can either approach the thrill of it with enthusiasm, or let temping make you a bitter cynic.

If you’re still not convinced that the Pyro isn’t a skilless overpowered newbie kamikaze class that unbalances the entire game, here’s a run through of how any class can kill a newbie Pyro that follows the ‘W’+Mouse school of assault.

The Scout vs the newbie Pyro

“Where did he - ow!”
Scouts will retreat while blasting you with the scattergun. Two good hits (or one critical) with this thing will take you down, and any good Scout will be able to hit a charging Pyro twice. They are also able to get to a medkit quick enough to stop the burning, even if they do run into the flames.

The Soldier vs the newbie Pyro

“My ‘W’ key doesn’t work!”
Soldiers will rocket the ground beneath you - you’ll lose all forward momentum and be sent a few feet up in the air - by the time you land, they’ll finish you off. Or they’ll just hit you directly, in which case, you’re dead. Alternatively, they can rocket-jump and shoot you while you’re out of range.

The Pyro vs the newbie Pyro

“Er…”
If you attack an enemy Pyro head-on and they retreat at the right time, their flames will catch you, but yours won’t hit them. They’ll also shotgun you while you approach.

The Demoman vs the newbie Pyro

“Splortch.”
If they haven’t blown you up with their stickies, one direct hit from a pipebomb will finish you off, with a nice splattering sound.

The Heavy vs the newbie Pyro

“I’m almost there…”
Minigun, shotgun, fists. Pretty much the only thing they can’t kill you with is a sandwich. Just don’t get in the line of sight of a Heavy.

The Engineer vs the newbie Pyro

“Hey, you’re not supposed to be able to fight back!”
Engineers are like Scouts, but slower. The shotgun can kill you, if they have a good aim and enough distance. Three decent shots is often enough, but two close ones or single crits can sometimes take you out. Oh, and then there’s the sentries.

The Medic vs the newbie Pyro

“Just stand still and die!”
Yes, Medics can kill you. They will retreat, firing the syringe gun, and they are faster than you, so long as they don’t bump into anything. Most good Medics have the blutsauger, so even if flames are sapping their health, they are getting it back off you each time they hit.

The Sniper vs the newbie Pyro

“Huh?”
Headshot as soon as you turn the corner. Good Snipers can even do it from just outside flamethrower range.

The Spy vs the newbie Pyro

“Caught you - hey!”
Revolver while retreating. Spies are perhaps the least good at this, requiring three hits, or one plus a critical. But it’s rare that newbie Pyros charge into a front line populated with Spies.

Stop jousting, get organised!

Play Pyro like that, and you will die. Again, and again. Trust me, I’ve tested this theory often enough: don’t let that downward spiral drag you into charging that sentry one last time. Even with prudent use of the shotgun, your chances are still slim against many opponents, and the ones who can’t kill you in seconds are all fast enough to run to get help. Sometimes it does work, but those times are rare, even rarer if you’re not picking the moment and the route carefully. The kamikaze Pyro as an effective class doesn’t exist - but as a free kill for the other team, the kamikaze Pyro is abundant.

So finally, a word to anyone who likes to rail against “newbie Pyros” - if you’re on their team, that Pyro that just rushed into the enemy lines might have saved enough time for your Engineer to upgrade the sentry, and that other one that disappeared off into nowhere might be causing no small amount of grief to the enemy Engineers trying to turn point C into a sentry nest - ask yourself instead if the Pyro’s doing anything you can capitalise on. If you’re not on their team, then don’t tempt fate - for as you watch that not-so-sneaky Pyro somersaulting at the touch of your rockets or frolicking amongst your minigun bullets, you might suddenly find yourself with a knife in your back, a bullet through your head - or another Pyro finishing you and your guffawing teammates off. And for the sore losers among you, calling Pyros newbies after they send you back to respawn really doesn’t make you look good. If you’re one of those people, I’ve just told you exactly how to kill a Pyro that presses the mouse button and the ‘W’ key, even if you’re a Medic, so you now have no excuse.

Kovorka illustrates why Pyros have an average lifetime of about 35 seconds: if it weren't for the spycheckers, the figure would be less than 25.

The kill bar generator has been used before, but it’s always something exciting. A battle, a campaign… but what about the day in, day out life of a heavy?

In the world of Team Fortress 2, there are two kinds of players. The ones who play for fun, and…the others.

We all want to be the ones who play for fun. Really, we do! We try so hard! But some days…some days, the lines are blurred.

Now right about now, you’re likely saying “What? I’ve never complained about about Team Fortress 2 ever, ever!” and that makes you a GODDAMN LIAR. If you told me right now that you’ve never once been sitting quietly in your room, illuminated only by the glow of your monitor, quietly raging away while a single bitter, rage-filled tear slides down your twisted, mangled face, then you’d…wait, when did this become a brief synopsis of every day of my sordid little life? Moving on!

If you don’t believe me about the whole complaining thing, let me put it into perspective.

You’re an innocent little Heavy, going about your daily buisness of mowing down the little babies. Suddenly, you see a blue flash in the corner of your screen. “A SPY!” you bellow in your thick slavic accent. You whip to face him, only to be side-stabbed. Since you could see him somewhat in your peripheral vision, you shriek accusations of facestabs and gayhax over the microphone. The Spy is berated, muted, then kicked. Rather pleased with yourself, you wander onto the cap point and are immediatly turned into chunky noodle soup by some far-off Demoman.

Now, let’s flip the situation.

You’re a member of the proud, the few. You’re a Spy.  Sneaking behind enemy lines is your specialty. You spot a Heavy, who is apparrently preoccupied with something in his pants. Sneaking towards him, you ready your knife to plunge into his soft, unsuspecting back. You expertly flip the knife in your hands, and…”WHAT?!” Your knife appears to be misinformed. Horrifyingly, the “backstab” did not strike at the correct angle, and your knife merely irritates the lumbering behemoth, who’s hoot of pain indicates that if he was not aware of your presence, he is now. As you desperately swing for the backstab that you know now know that you will never achieve, the bloated monstrosity slowly turns to face you, his multi-barreled gattling gun spooling in anticipation for soft, Franco-Spanish flesh to rend with boolets. After a few minutes of crying, you preceed to rush on to the Steam forums and call for nerfs.

Believe me, I understand. I understand raging. I understand wanting nerfs when I’m killed by the SAME FREAKING DEMOMAN EIGHT GODDAMN TIMES. But there is one thing that I understand that most don’t seem to. I understand how to SUCK IT UP. People seem to think that they’re the only ones playing this game, and they should always win. Well, if you always won, there would be no lows that would make those hard-fought wins actually enjoyable. So please, for the good of the game and what little sanity I have left, stop bitching and blow it off. You’ll enjoy the game far more, trust me.

And if you don’t, go play Halo or something.

ding ding, ding ding, ding ding

VVVVVRRRRRRrrrr

Yes it’s that time again, no not that time again get your head out of the gutter. It’s time for me to post funny videos because I’m too busy and/or lazy to write a real article, yes that’s right writer’s filler. So onwards.

De-rez: TF2

You may know of the escapist for the great Yahtzee videos, but there’s more to the site than just an angry fast talking trilby wearing games critic. Oh yes, there’s de-rez a brilliant set of videos from some Irish lads with a camcorder, some very funny ideas and very little budget. They’ve parodied mortal combat, Jack Thompson, resident evil and done a search for Gordon Freeman (my personal favourite). But now they’ve finaly done a TF2 video;

GF TF2

The second one is from a little known Australian blog called lavalevel. Basically the guy convinced his non-gamer girlfriend (what? A gamer with a girlfriend?! Yes such a thing is possible) to play TF2 and recorded the results. This video has been around for awhile so you may of already seen it, but I wanted to post it as it got me back into playing TF2 in a big way when I saw it. And no it’s not because of the revelation that there are female players, well not entirely the reason. It’s such a joy to see and hear someone that’s never played a game before, it brings back good memories of the first time you played the game. The not knowing what’s round the corner. Seeing unexpected things unfold for the first time. It’s also sweet to hear her emphasise with each character, shows that Valve have done a bang up job bringing these characters to life. It reminded me of all the little things I loved about the game that I started to take for granted. He’s made a little series of videos of her playing games and narrating, the newest is GF:CS with some great lines “Are Counter Strike players just always really cross and angry? Everyone on Team Fortress is nice and friendly. Everyone here so tense and swears alot.”

So that’s all for now, maybe next time I may write an actual article. Maybe, maybe. And remember we do not complain about how the sentry looks.