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This was found buried under many other notices in the RED team’s spawn room, it appears to be a thank you letter from the heavy to his comrades. I apologise for the heavy’s poor english, but he is very proud of his letter and if I were ever face to face with his magnificent self, I am sure I would not mention it…

Heavy, you are glorious!

My comrades, greetings! I am heavy weapons guy. Thousands of tiny baby men try to kill me each day, but of course they cannot. I kill them instead! Haha! I think – no, I KNOW it is because they are cowards! Hah! I love to kill cowards so much, it fills me with glee! Is fun to taunt cowards too, because I know they will never fight back! Hahahaha, sorry, I am laughing so hard at cowards I cannot stop! I must write properly to you now before I forget what I am meant to be doing.

Charge me, Doktor

I have more to tell you! I am very literally HEAVY weapons guy! I am very massive and even more powerful. You should hear me roar, Doktor. I am sure you would be very impressed! Doktor, when our team is in a fight as big as me you must uber me! I am very scary and GLORIOUS! When ubered I am even stronger, and together we can destroy the enemy babies! One sentry, two sentry, one soldier, one scout, two pyros, POW! All are dead to our barrage of GLORY.

Pyro, I do not understand

I do not understand you, pyro! - thanks to Drexer for the image

I do not know where to begin! You never speak anything in English, or even in Russian. All I can tell about you is that you are very attracted to the flames and that you are not as glorious, or as strong as I! I remember when I first met you, and you said to me “mmhmm mmm mmm” I didn’t understand. But I showed you Sasha, and you soon shut up! It was very funny to me, to see someone so scared of glorious Sasha! She will only hurt you if I say so! She is very nice like that. But you cannot seem to stop your odd flamethrower from stopping! It is always going. It is very unnerving to medic, I can tell you! He is always asking that I shut up that pyro but I tell him I must kill enemy COWARDS first!But medic forgives me when I kill that spy who was standing right behind him! I hate cowards so much!

Demoman, I do not understand you either

You are so very strange demoman! You are much like pyro, though I am told you speak English. I do not understand your strange accent, it is much worse than my powerful Russian accent. Though I do like it when you make the big explosions! They are very pretty, but I much prefer the glorious sound of Sasha! She is like song to me! But powerful, GLORIOUS song! I like to make a lot of noise, as it is very scary to all of the enemy team to hear me scream with delight as I kill all of you! I see that you drink a lot of whisky, which I would compare to Russian Vodka as a drink worthy of a man so I congratulate you on this! I am proud that you are becoming a man like me! Though, not quite like me as I am GLORIOUS.

Wait up, Scout

Scout! You should wait up for me! You are so small and I am so big! I could squeeze you between my fingers if you aggravate so much as for me to feel I should do so. It is a both a blessing and a curse that I am so muscular, for I am both incredibly powerful and I am not as fast as you are! But it does not matter, because you cannot carry SASHA! She is my favourite person, she can kill lots of enemy in very short time. Much better than your puny scattergun. Sasha is much more glorious.

Engineer, you are credit to team

You are brilliant, engineer! Your strange teleport device means I can get to the battlefield much faster than scout. I am very thankful for this, and also for your dispenser! It can keep Sasha full all the time! Though, it is so small I wonder how it can achieve this! I congratulate you, engineer. I am impressed much so with your sentry gun! It even grows when you hit it with tiny wrench! I do not understand. It is almost as glorious as Sasha, but not quite! Sasha very heavy, but I can carry her. You cannot carry your sentry gun! This is funny to heavy. It is a good reminder that I am much more GLORIOUS than you!

Sniper, you are an oddetee

Often when I am going off to fight I see you standing very far behind me like a coward? I do not understand why you do this. How can you hurt enemy cowards if you are so far away? And yet you continue claim to not be a coward yourself? It baffles me. But never mind, because I am brave enough for both of us! I will pretend to be you every now and then so nobody wonders where you are – so far away from the front lines as you persist in being! Perhaps it is because you are not as strong and glorious as heavy, so you cannot absorb as much puny rockets?

Soldier, it is you who is maggot

I am much more massive! - Thanks to Drexer for image.

I do not understand who you are trying to joke, soldier. When you stand back to back with me I am very much bigger than you and this makes me think that you are the puny maggot among us! This is amusing to me, as I hear you shout about maggots all the time and I wonder if it is because you are missing your natural place? Haha! Heavy made a funny joke. Sorry Soldier, I should be thanking you… but what on? I am much more glorious than you, you are not nearly as useful as me when it comes to the destruction of cowardice. When I see a maggoty soldier running towards me I think not “Oh no, I must run like baby coward!”, but that is what most soldiers think that if I run towards them!

Finally, spy

You are the most coward of them all. I am sorry to say this, but you disguise as enemy team to try and TRICK them so you can kill them with your tiny tiny knife! Why? You should build your muscles like heavy, and then carry glorious person like Sasha into battle with enemy cowards! It is much more effective, and MUCH less coward, I assure you.

To the entire team

I thank each and every one of you (except sniper) for the fun I have had here amongst my comrades, in the killing of the enemy cowards. It makes me so happy to see cowards lying dead! They are worthless! But not me, no. I am strong. I am powerful. I am scary. I am devastating. I am vicious. My friends, I am GLORIOUS.