ubercharged.net

And it’s not because you resemble a gimp I once knew that changed my life, no it is that you are the wielder of the nazi face melting technology, you hold in your hands the very primal fear instilled into every human from their caveman days, the fear of fire. But that’s cool, your role on the team is to create panic and induce fear, in a way that only you can. It is the way a pyro should be played. While the engineer holes up and sentries a point and the medic warms his ubercharge, you are out there in the field spreading your terror like a wildfire you yourself started.

No other class can quite instill that feeling of dread when they see you heading towards them. Instinctively they know they’re not walking away from this fight, they’re running away ablaze, desperately trying to remember where the nearest damned health pack is, while repeatedly screaming for a medic. This can be best demonstrated with deathshots;

"I'm burn!"

"The burning, THE BURNING!"

"Fiiiireeeeeeeee!"

"I do believe I'm on fire."

Do these players look like they are happy with the achievement of killing a pyro? No of course not, for even after death the terror and pain of a pyro lives on. Even after death they’re still on god damned fire and I think we can agree that’s not a good time.

Now being on fire doesn’t always mean death, but a pyro charging into a enemy group, setting them alight always messes up their plan. As soon as they’re on fire the plan goes out the window, everything goes out the bloody window. Their sole and most pressing concern is finding a way to stop burning, giving the other team more time to win – as they go straight back to the medic to see them about their acute case of “My flesh, IT BURNS!”

Since the introduction of the air compression blast the pyro has become more effective and more of a bastard, inventing new games to play that toy with enemies like they were ragdolls. One such game is Medic Launch, medics charge the enemy with their ubercharged heavy, only to feel a blast of air upon their face and find themselves looking at the ground, the ground from very high up. They can just make out their once invincible heavy trotting a retreat before being turned into a bloody scorch mark on the map geography. And as they fall back down to earth, the ubercharge wearing off, they see a lone figure awaiting their arrival with a fire already set just for them.

Another is Scout Ball. Because of their light frame, it makes it easier to make them fly. So get a buddy pyro and see how long you can keep that helpless lanky frame bouncing through the air. Or if you’re hardcore – flamescout ball. Squash can also be played, if the ball was a rocket, and one player couldn’t return the ball, and exploded.

But in no other class will the pyro be most feared as when playing a spy. Yes a spy’s natural predator are the pyros. The ultimate in spychecking. Ready to set you alight like a Guy Fawkes. Rendering cloaking useless and disguises pointless until the fire eventually dies, usually along with you. A spy can fool the whole team with their well honed skills walking around the enemy base with impunity, but as soon as a pyro turns the corner the calm composure turns quickly into a single panicked mantra “F**k off”. A single drop of sweat slowly trickles down their fake cardboard forehead, time slows down, not in a cool bullet time way but more like watching a horrible accident unfold before your eyes. They can’t breathe again until the pyro is out of sight. For the spy is at the whim of the pyro. Even if they act as one of their own, the pyro could still spycheck them out nothing more than mere boredom. Yes your well executed plan and skilled trickery can all turn to pot based on whether or not the pyro decides to test your flameproofing, lighting you up like a neon pinata for all the team to beat on.

The only class that can effectively stump the pyro is another pyro. That’s right. The only way to effectively stop a fiery terror class is with another fiery terror. It’s like stopping Godzilla with King Kong. It’s the only class that can’t be set on fire, and this truly stumps the whole pyro philosophy (hint; it involves setting things on fire). Using a flamethrower on a pyro is pretty useless, it just turns into who started using the flamethrower first. Shotguns feel clumsy in the hands of a pyro so used to bursting out jets of hot flames, but god help you if you have a flare gun when you run into an enemy pyro with a shotgun. You may as well be a limbless squirrel with brain damage fighting off against an armoured badger, armed with an uzi, and a tank.

So to you pyro, you who sets whole squads aflame, who blows back enemy rockets and grenades into the faces of their owners, who sends men sailing through the air for your own personal amusement, for you who stands atop of this blazing infernal scene of hell and holds their flamethrower high and lets out a muffled maniacal laugh, to you I salute you, you shit scary class.