Users Manual – Microphone
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of Ear raper v2 headset. Communication is the greatest weapon in your arsenal, allowing you to maintain constant contact with teammates. And now with this tool at your disposal, you will be an unstoppable force online. How? By providing info and plans to your team? Ha ha, no. Rookie mistake there pal, no read on and we shall go over the basic points of using the headset to it’s fullest.
Never turn it off
You bought this headset, so you make use of it, like all the time. We mean it. Don’t stop talking. It doesn’t matter if you’re talking about anything, you know – useful, or even talking over other people. In fact, just tape that broadcast button down. That way everyone can hear every sound you make, giving your team a keen insight into your psyche. If someone starts telling you to shut up then just tell them to shut up only louder and if possible more whinier. It’s a shouting match and you’re going to win. If they won’t back down then mute them, and then announce that you just muted them and you wonder if they are still complaining. That’s hilarious. You’re hilarious. Can’t think of anything to say? Then just spout internet meme quotes. Everyone loves them and they never get old!
Be a DJ
Really stuck for what to say? Bitched about how demomen are too overpowered? How this server sucks? And asked to be able to join a clan for the billionth time? Voice hoarse from the last shouting match? Well then give your voice a break and become the server’s new DJ. Yes live the dream brother! Playing loud muffled tunes that are barely audible and turned up to 11 can help your team relax and motivate them. Drowning out that dull talk of ‘tactics’ and necessary sound effects, like a spy creeping up on you. Yes nothing says covert like a cloaked spy, running round the map pumping out techno music.
Goad other players
Oh my! Did you see that? You just headshot that guy! Sure he was a heavy eating a sandvich but still. Hey is allspeak on? It is? Then just tell that player how you just shot his head, in case he missed it. God he must really suck at the game and you must really rock. People must know about this headshot. This is a shot to the head that must be passed down the generations of the enemy team, so they never forget how hardcore you are and that at any moment an afk player’s head could shatter into tiny pieces of skull, brain, and your third attempt bullet. Remember your are special [customer #17994] and people deserve to know just how awesome you are, despite what the stats say. Hey did one of your team just explode from stickies? He did! Tell your team they suck. I mean you’re losing the fight here and you gotta point out their mistakes so they can be as awesome as you. Don’t compliment them though, can’t have them overconfident and mess up your game. Remember the stick pulverised the carrot. Just remember the word ‘n00b(s)’ can never be overused.
Don’t inform
Have you just scouted the enemy base? Just seen their sentry lay out or a group of them heading for a capture? Well don’t waste your breath telling your team – they love surprises and would really hate for you to spoil the surprise that the enemies have two uber heavies coming up behind them. See a spy about to sneak up and kill a weighted companion sniper? Well use voice commands instead of the mic, so you don’t have to stop your precious talking/shrieking/music time. Your team will instantly know where this spy is, what he’s disguised as, and who he’s following, all with the randomly shouted “Spy here”.
Side note; also fun to overuse voice commands when bored, your team will know when you use it seriously, it’ll sound different, unless they’re n00bs.
Holy crap! Was that a girls voice?
Are people hearing this? There’s a girl here! A Girl! Playing TF2! Ok stay calm, remember you are special [customer #17994]. No one is trying to hit on her, those n00bs they’re just letting her play unhindered. Try this opening line, “Hey your doing good for a girl,” that’ll break the ice, you’ve accepted that she’s female and complimented her, win-win. Hmm no response, she must be shy, tell her how awesome you are and how the others are complete n00bs, maybe you could teach her how to really play. Oh crap why did she switch sides and backstab you? How cheap, you were being nice to her. Well the gloves are off now, let all your misogynistic bile flow out into the microphone. Women shouldn’t play men sports anyway right?
Conclusion
Well those are the basics of using the Ear raper v2 headset. In no time at all you will be getting creative and finding new ways to be awesome over the headset. Putting the fear of god into all other players every time they see you join, so much so that they’ll instantly leave the server out of your fearitude. Oh hey you got a friend invite in steam, looks like admin227 wants to know your username and password. Valve must only ask the really good players, never n00bs, so they can give them awesome jobs playing games all day. You should reply, like right now.
Advanced reading; Section 5;1 – Soundboards and you
Stumble it!
carsonist responded on 14 Sep 2008 at 8:12 am #
you forgot about how you have to tell everyone else how to play the game. No one’s on the cart? You can fix that with a quick, “get on the cart, guys.” Now that they know what to do, you’re sure to win.
Himmelstoss responded on 14 Sep 2008 at 8:14 am #
Nice rant – but they’re != their != there. Why do so many people confuse those words? “unless their n00bs” should be “unless they’re n00bs”.
But I love the part about girls playing TF2- it’s so true!
certainly not clubtheseals responded on 14 Sep 2008 at 8:27 am #
Nice first rant (albeit in possession of several egregious spelling errors)
General Balls responded on 14 Sep 2008 at 8:30 am #
>>”in possession of several egregious spelling errors”<_>
General Balls responded on 14 Sep 2008 at 8:30 am #
…
Well that last post was a failure.
Max responded on 14 Sep 2008 at 11:08 am #
You forgot to mention that if you lose a game, give your team the super useful advice of “Okay guys, this time let’s NOT get steamrolled.”
Most definitely not Mooman responded on 14 Sep 2008 at 2:52 pm #
@carsonist: I hope you’re not talking about the people who remind the team that they’d just sent an uber out to distract the team, so you can push the cart/cap the point. I’ve seen many a game lost (first stage Gold in particular) because people just decided that pushing the cart would be too much work, so they decide to stay (in the case of first stage Gold, up the top level in the left building) where they are.
The mic is MADE to remind other players of what to do. Perhaps when someone says “Incoming uber” you shouldn’t stand there with your cock in your hand, it’s time to run. If not, you’re going to die and we’re all going to lose that point. Of course, that depends on the other team not standing around with their cocks in their hands when the uber comes along. Seeing a pattern? Now you might not be one of the dumbasses that just choose not to listen to people and you might be talking about people that have no idea what they’re talking about. I’m sorry if this rant looks aimed at you, believe me it’s not. Yor post just reminded me of something that pisses me off and I’m not in too charming a mood right now.
Sorry.
Pad See Ew responded on 14 Sep 2008 at 3:42 pm #
It’s funny because it’s true….
Man, I especially hate those people who think they are the DJ gift to the server. Then they get *insulted* when you don’t want to hear their trash. They’ll say “OMG JUST MUTE ME”. Well, as an admin banning is muc preferred.
Prio responded on 14 Sep 2008 at 6:49 pm #
@Most definitely not Mooman: personally, when I read carsonist’s comment, I immediately thought of the medic on offense with 20% ubercharge level who yells “get on the cart!” when there’s like 45 seconds left, and the cart is a couple of feet away from the next checkpoint, but THE ENTIRE ENEMY TEAM — which, I should point out, is on defense — is swarming around the cart and spamming it with stickies and death, and the ONLY people on offense who are NOT running back from respawn are the aforementioned medic and one heavy, and maybe one pyro.
Obviously one medic-heavy combo without uber will do lots and lots of good against a small army of demomen, soldiers, medics, heavies, pyros, and snipers! Why wait like five or hell we could even afford fifteen fucking seconds for a few more of our teammates to show up, it’s not like the enemy team can heal themselves in three seconds after the heavy does about 45 points of damage and then gets headshotted or blown to bits by stickies. It’s not like this game is called team fortress, it’s really throw-bodies-at-the-enemy-one-at-a-time-and-maybe-drown-them-in-our-own-blood fortress.
…
Sorry. Bad personal experience.
@Pad See Ew: or they go “PRESS F10 TO MUTE, FUCKHEAD.”
supremesonic responded on 14 Sep 2008 at 7:12 pm #
The one I hate the most is cocky snipers. Partly because I don’t like Snipers full stop (In any game), but partly because of the misplaced smugness they have.
For instance, Gears of War – The lowest of the low for voice comms. I was playing this for some unknown reason a few days ago, and started avoiding two snipers. I kid you not when I say SEVENTEEN shots missed me, until one got lucky and got me down because the damn thing is overpowered. Cue pretending to rap me and lots of “Ooooooooh oooooooooooooowned” over the headset after the round.
Hmm.
supremesonic responded on 14 Sep 2008 at 7:13 pm #
Uh, I mean “Pretending to RAPE me”.
Although pretending to rap with me is still a terrifying prospect.
Mooman responded on 14 Sep 2008 at 8:51 pm #
I once had a sniper on my team who would say a sniper quote every time he got a headshot. He sounded well into his 30s.
This was in a one-sided match. On Turbine.
Daytime TF2 is avoidable.
Prio responded on 15 Sep 2008 at 5:41 am #
Snipers are a poison. Spies are the antidote.
Carsonist responded on 15 Sep 2008 at 5:48 am #
Prio, you have almost what completely enrages me. My problem is the situation that you described, (The cart is protected by a wall of death, and you simply don’t have the ability to take the area yet) except the person telling you to get on the cart definitely ISN’T trying to get on the cart. He’s busy maintaining his hidden sentry gun, or sniping some obscure corner of the map. He wants SOMEONE to get to the cart, but he can’t be bothered.
The worst part is, he says, “get on the cart”, like you aren’t aware that that’s the goal.
@Most definitely not Mooman, I absolutely agree with every part of your comment. Wish I had more people like you on my team.
yer mum responded on 15 Sep 2008 at 9:53 pm #
“Team DJ” always annoys the heck out of me, particularly if you get auto-balanced from the team with useful chat over to Team DJ’s side (or, as is typical in these situations, from the winning to the losing side). The exception is that Johnny Cash “Ring of Fire” in a TF2-style, which is quite funny, the first time at least.
IdleHands responded on 16 Sep 2008 at 9:30 am #
Himmelstoss -
Aw thanks. Dang I thought I got all of them, and re-reading I can spot some your/you’re mistakes in there too.
Carsonist & Max -
I’m sure I’ve missed a few more mic abusers, but listing them all may make me lose too much faith in humanity. Plus I’m sure some new form of ear torture is being produced by some squeaky voiced players.
yer mum -
Ring of fire deserves a good machinima with pyros I feel.
Respect, bruv | ubercharged.net responded on 24 Oct 2008 at 9:36 am #
[...] not expecting everyone who plays online games to buy a microphone so you can share the many ‘wonderful‘ singing/raging talents you possess. If you don’t have or don’t want to use a [...]
Players you don’t want on your team: Alt-code expert | ubercharged.net responded on 01 Dec 2008 at 10:22 am #
[...] presence of such a strong team ethic encourages communication. That means that every team member should be able to address each other. This requires the use of a [...]
Jigglesthefatman responded on 03 Dec 2008 at 3:23 pm #
I pisses me off to no end how sexist people are online.
Alex responded on 04 Jan 2009 at 11:34 pm #
I dont think there is anyone out there that hasnt encountered this infestation before. It seems to some unwritten law that every server has a ‘village idiot’, that just p***es everyone around, causing everyone to have the inescapable desire to mangle their undoubtedly scrawny neck into their voice-command binded keyboard (you know the ones i mean – the b*****ds that bind every available key to a voice command)