Alice’s Adventures in Achievementbox
“But I don’t want to go among mad people,’ Alice remarked.
‘Oh, you can’t help that,’ said the Cat: `we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.’
‘How do you know I’m mad?’ said Alice.
‘You must be,’ said the Cat, ‘or you wouldn’t have come here.’”
Thus spake Lewis Carroll, the esteemed Victorian author. Excerpts from his Wonderland books have been quoted time and time again, and none more so than Alice’s conversation with the Cheshire Cat mentioned above, as it can apply to so many situations, including: social work; Otakon; the BNP; and, of course, achievement servers. Let us explore the latter more thoroughly.
Let’s face it: achievement servers don’t work. Voluntary collaboration has worked before, but never on a gaming server. There is an overabundance of selfishness, anarchy, casual hatred, and general Thelemic mayhem, because the average gamer has all the kindness and altruism of the Baby-Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells. How this madness manifests itself, however, is more complex than one might think.
Firstly, let us consider the medic update, infamous for birthing achievementbox and requiring every single BLOODY achievement so I could get every BLOODY weapon, including the one that required you to uber ten BLOODY friends (until they fixed that in an update, of course). Needless to say, pandemonium ensued. Medics killing medics, heavies, scouts, themselves – vicious. Some still carry the terrible scars of those dark days: a saw that has slain so many; burns from the abundant griefers; eyes that have seen too much, but a mouth that has said too little. The arguable ‘Nam of achievement grinding.
Next came the pyro unlocks, elegant achievements for a more civilised age. Well, compared to the medic’s ones, anyway. Naturally, players had a great tendency to combust frequently, fervently and, too often, inconveniently. A distinct anarchy prevailed in all but the most secreted servers, but toned down after the prior hoo-hah. F*ckwittery Lite, if you will.
Now, the heavy update. And good lord, is it interesting.
Your average heavy achievementbox server of approximately 24: about 2 people camping around the spawn areas; roughly 4 others shooting with no apparent purpose. So far, so predictable. The odd pyro or medic wanting to grind / help. Again, nothing surprising.
8 heavies eating sandviches. Wait, WHAT?!
Yes, every single heavy achievement server I went on had a quarter of the guys eating sandviches. Just. Eating. Three guys got the sandvich achievement: they just kept eating.
4 heavies meleeing over the intel. 3 heavies dodging and weaving around a confused a perplexed pyro. One guy I saw was just jumping off things. He’d jump off, die, respawn, and climb back up. Madness.
Admittedly, a fun kind of madness – mania rather than dementia – but madness nonetheless. There’s a civilian heavy following a friendly pyro and demanding a dispenser. Truly, this is a ship of fools.
Still, I got my achievements, so I’m happy. Who knows, maybe this pacifism-in-lunacy will evolve throughout the updates until maybe – just maybe – achievements can be obtained efficiently and peacefully by asking for help?
…Nah. Never gonna happen.
Now if you’ll excuse me, that scout is refusing to ubercharge me…*twitch*
Stumble it!
goosemonger responded on 10 Sep 2008 at 8:41 am #
My guess is that they were eating sanviches non stop in order to get the ‘Eat one hundred sandviches’ achievment.
That, and the om nom nom sound effect is hilarious.
goosemonger responded on 10 Sep 2008 at 8:43 am #
Argh! I mis-read… How do I delete my embarrassing comment?
madlep responded on 10 Sep 2008 at 8:55 am #
@goosemonger – nah, we’ll keep it around for posterity
Oh, and big credit to oldmeme and loafaries for the Heavy In Wonderland pic.
supremesonic responded on 10 Sep 2008 at 9:05 am #
Heavy is Wonderland pic is the best thing this site has ever produced. After my articles, that is…
And is it me, or does that last line not make much sense? o.0
LaZodiac responded on 10 Sep 2008 at 9:25 am #
What do you mean it does’t make sense? It makes perfect sense.
No, excuss me as I go try to fix my 360 so I can headshot heavies with my Pyro.
Himmelstoss responded on 10 Sep 2008 at 9:57 am #
Hee hee! The ubersaw really WAS a bloody weapon
Himmelstoss responded on 10 Sep 2008 at 9:57 am #
By the way, i love the picture. Loafaries and Oldmeme = credit to team!
edinbugger responded on 10 Sep 2008 at 10:03 am #
supremesonic: “When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares into you.” – Nietzche.
In other words, it implies the madness was getting to me as well, so it’s not supposed to make sense.
And yeah, mega grats to loafaries for the pic. A winrar is them.
Himmelstoss responded on 10 Sep 2008 at 11:32 am #
And don’t forget to use my achievement farming technique!
http://www.ubercharged.net/2008/08/29/achieve-achievements-and-avoid-achievementbox/
Sorry for commenting here, uh 3 times already.
loafaries responded on 10 Sep 2008 at 11:38 am #
I don’t know why you guys are getting so worked up about that ridiculous picture.
Great post, bugger. I was really looking forward to what you were going to write.
I actually like achievement servers. Nothing is more satisfying than running in, causing as much mayhem and destruction as you possibly can, then disconnecting before anyone can really get mad at you for it.
Guile responded on 10 Sep 2008 at 11:42 am #
I eated sandviches in front of the badwater basin cart, so that i could learn the map, earn points for the cart achiev and for the sandvich achiev.
Vichy, The Sandvich King responded on 10 Sep 2008 at 11:46 am #
Shay WHAT?
[ATr] Smbio Joe responded on 10 Sep 2008 at 12:42 pm #
UberOgden responded on 10 Sep 2008 at 12:56 pm #
To addendum to Smbio Joe, I deem your creation to be EPIC and WIN for your reference to Blackadder.
Rest well, good man.
Nabanaba
FunkyB responded on 10 Sep 2008 at 9:53 pm #
I’m surprised people still use achievement servers when you can do it perfectly fine yourself in your own private server, sans griefers. Sure a few achs are impossible, but the vast majority are easy and certainly plenty to get the weapons which is, let’s face it, why anyone grinds.
Xeno responded on 11 Sep 2008 at 1:18 am #
“acievementbox” – I’m sure there should be a H right there.
When the pyro update came out, I joined an achievement server and was delighted to discover two people on blu, playing engineer, slaughtering red with their level 3 sentries.
It was hilarious.
Misanthrope responded on 11 Sep 2008 at 6:12 am #
Not this tripe *again*!
Look, join a normal server doing normal games and get your achievements. It’s not the least bit difficult, though it may not be on your ADHD timetable.
Oh, and try not sucking. That helps too.
OHNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM.
Pinko responded on 11 Sep 2008 at 1:57 pm #
To be honest, I’m just a little confused at the point of this post.
BathrobeAssassin responded on 11 Sep 2008 at 3:38 pm #
You made my drink come up my nose.
I have to admit, I had some interesting and/or fun experiences on achievement servers…
Rubiximus responded on 12 Sep 2008 at 12:03 pm #
That illustration = awesome illustration.
‘Nuff said.
A Sense Of Achievements (part 1) | ubercharged.net responded on 31 Oct 2008 at 8:03 am #
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