ubercharged.net

Not too long ago, clubtheseals posted about some of the antics in our new ubercharged.net TF2 server (General Balls is credit to team!) Anyway, besides having ridiculous heavy fistfights, we also have ridiculous no-scoping matches. The rules are simple: you cannot use your SMG, you cannot scope, everything else is fair game. The conditions are crazy -low gravity is on, need I say more? But the results: well, they’re priceless. See for yourself- I know I suck at sniper, you don’t need to remind me

Both are fun videos, but the second is shorter (also, I fast-forwarded through the respawn time and the other boring parts in the second video, so you don’t need to twiddle your thumbs waiting for me to respawn).

As you can see, I actually cheated a few times and scoped, but I suck so much at sniper I didn’t even get any kills while scoped

Thanks to everyone on the server who participated in the product of my whims this awesome match.

Visit our server at 8.6.3.33:27015.

I’m shocked none of you thought of this.

Think back to the last time you got killed around a blind corner… Not to long ago am i right? I am. Stickies, sentries, heavies, scouts, basically anyone waiting around a corner has an advantage because they pop out unexpectedly and kill you. I have found a remedy for this.

You are going to get killed. What you must do is taunt at the corner and sorta pan your view with the mouse to see what awaits you. This way you wont get stickied for the 12th time this round. Now you have the ability to look around corners with out giving yourself away.

NFAQ

Dear Jimmy,

Wont i die from the sentry even if i know where it is?

Love Faithful Reader #395

Dear Reader,

Love Jimmy

Thanks to my good friend Boctor Dreen for leaving spore to come do these pictures with me.

Can you imagine a world without fire?

It would be a cold one, and not just in the literal sense. Consider the arts. What playwright could exist with no lantern to write by? Consider the world’s delicacies. Would they still tempt us without heat to cook
them? Consider the pleasures of the flesh. Without warmth, is there still pleasure?

A world without fire is not a world at all, instead it is a moon, dry and desolate and devoid of anything. Far up high, it is to that great round inferno we owe our continued existence. In our forges, it is those melting flames that give us the paraphernalia of this modern age. Within ourselves, we burn with passion and inspiration, leading us to the achievements that have furthered mankind so much.

In this spirit, I pledge myself. In praise of the pyres, I worship the wild flames. Their sizzles sing to me; their flickers fascinate me. Before nature’s passion incarnate, I am humbled. It was in this spirit that I submitted myself before fire as its eternal servant, and it is in this spirit that I carry it with me always, even in battle and especially in battle.

At first glance, what I bear may not seem much, just a wisp of a flame at the end of some metal like a blue firefly in the night. It is just a spark, but that is how all fires start. It is a seed, and a steady diet of propane lets it blossom as an infernal bouquet, both terrible and beautiful at the same time.

This is what I bear forward into the thick of conflict, as men argue over material borders and properties. To them, I bring flames almighty, so that they might raise their voices in supplication. To them, I bring a glorious inferno, to consume them and their things and their homes and their lives, all so that the fires may burn as hard and bright as they can before they die.

Made by Lit Fuse Films, screenshotted by Drexer

And die they will, for nothing lasts forever. Sooner or later, somehow or other, the burning ends and fire dies. However, every time a flame is snuffed, I am there to light another. They may push me back and put out my gifts, but I will never stop. Because as long as one fire burns, the sight and sound and smell of it fuels the fire in me. And as long as I burn with my own passion and desire, so too will the world around me.

I am a pyro; this is what I do.

Me and clubtheseals decided to start up our own franchise of Ubercharged server shenanigan videos. On the server we do lots of boxing. The people on the server pretty much go with the flow and do as the others are doing so it takes less than a minute to set up a rush. Here I’ll demonstrate some of the rushes we did.

The song was E-Pro by Beck. And thank you to G-Mod Junkie Butthurter for making the 3 class pictures you see inside the video.

If you wanna have the most fun you’ve ever had playing TF2. Just connect to 8.6.3.33:27015

It’s foreign language film week on ubercharged or something. I dunno. Anyway, there is a major sports event in Melbourne tomorrow, and I’m living like 500m from the venue. Calls for alcohol - we had drinks tonight. Not enough. Someone brought in a DVD of the 1989 grand final… nothing kills a drinking session like the kind of mullets Australian sportsmen were wearing back in the late 80s….

What does this have to do with this post? Well, while we’re talking alcohol, the last movie I posted - Gogolrush - was French. And they do good wine.

And this one is German. And they do good beer… And sandviches as it turns out:

my name is nicolas, aka panzer_kalle, working over at the german community site http://www.myteamfortress.de. i just made a small video where i describe how to make the heavy weapons guy sandvich. although the comments are in german, i think everyone around the world will understand what it is all about.

I’m hungry now.

He stalks his prey from above the canisters. Peering down onto the control point, he sees a heavy and his medic running across, trying to capture. If his mask were not in the way, one could imagine a smile across his face. He searches through his arsenal, tossing aside the flamethrower and shotgun found inside. At the very bottom he finds his one true love. Gleaming brightly at him was Betty, his trusty chopper. The blood she’s spilled, the heads she’s chopped, the curses she’s caused utterance of; all kept within metal and wood. He unsheathes his violent baby and cuts his glove slightly, making sure it cuts like butter. It does, and he moves out.

He sneaks around back, making sure he keeps out of sight. He moves in like a spy, but somehow more cloaked, and reaches the pair as they begin to cap. Over his voice communication, he hears his teammates saying to go for the medic. However, his mind knows better. While the angry shouts of his brethren play over his speakers, he attacks the heavy. It may be the amount of fat behind him, but he hardly notices Betty cutting through him like he was tender pork. As he falls down, the medic is horrified by the sight of his dead partner and begins to run. However, Betty knows where to swing to take out his opponents. With a side-splitting chop, the master assassin walks over their bodies and says…

“It must have been a bit embarrassing…”

This is the story of Don Newman, the most amazing pyro I have ever seen. Without using the flamethrower’s flames or shotgun, he is able to dominate most on the other team, climb the scoreboard, and leave us laughing and crying. Many a time I have came onto the server and shoot at Don, yet he manages to just walk slowly to me and axe me a question. There is even talk of a machinima for him as a Batman-esque crusader known as “The Red Knight.”

For anyone who dare doubt his power, he assembled a video of both his axing and also some uberchaining.

This is a video made just for this article. This includes Don using every weapon except flames and shotguns.

If you would like to play against this force of nature, you may join him on the main server he frequents. His server is:

ATF Humpaholics Anonymous - 8.6.77.142:27015

Additionally, I have asked him and he will visit your server for a match. Just contact either him or me on Steam and tell us when and where. He may even make another video of himself on tour.

TPMX’s SteamID
Don Newman’s SteamID

Max from onlinegamer.se pointed out this kick ass piece of TF2 machinima on IRC.

From what I can tell, it was put together by =SW42=T-Fou over at Super Warriors 42 (although my French is a little rusty non-existent, so if I’m wrong on that let me know!)

Basically, it’s a demoman failing at payload on Goldrush. This has got to be one of the funniest TF2 vids I’ve seen in a long time, and the custom animations they have done are basically - excellent. No sloppy gmod flailing or in game taunts here. Just watch it. You’ll see what I mean.

It’s got French bits in it, but it’s mostly visual jokes, so you shouldn’t need translation.

wikiHow has the following jewel of information on the difference between masculinity and manliness :

“Manly is an adjective used to describe the physical and psychological characteristics of individuals traditionally associated with men, such as courage and strength. Manliness differs from masculinity in that as the latter refers to a simple biological predestination, the former is often used to describe the more sublime ideals of qualities traditionally specific to men. All males are masculine in that they are sexually male. Yet manliness looks down upon males not exhibiting full characteristics of manliness. Standards of strictly masculine and higher manly behavior have changed over time and vary a great deal depending on cultural values, upbringing and personal beliefs.”

The rest of that article is pretty messed up.

Examine the following male characters. Which one is the least manly? Why? Discuss your choice with your peers.

A - Sniper

B - Engineer

C - Puberty Galore

You’re alone on a Friday night. It’s been a long week at the office, and you need a little somethin’ somethin’ to unwind before you can get your party on for Saturday night. You don’t want to sit around and drink all by your lonesome. That’s just pathetic. Instead of getting drunk while watching re-runs of M*A*S*H, you could get drunk while pissing everyone off in TF2! With my Demoman-approved Team Fortress 2 Drinking Game™, you’ll be sure to maximize your Friday-night-fun-output while possibly cleaning up your friends list at the same time!

What You’ll Need:

• Expensive liquor of your choice. If you don’t drink, substitute something sugary. I recommend pure Kool-Aid powder.
• The cheapest bottle of tequila you can find. You don’t want to waste the good stuff once you’re sufficently drunk.
• Your lucky shot glass.
• A mic, for maximum jackassery.

The Rules:

Take a shot every time…

• Someone repeatedly calls for a medic and there’s no medic on the team.
• A sniper tries to get a headshot on you and misses.
• You hear the F-word on a family-friendly server.
• Someones screen name makes you laugh.
• You die by train on Arena_Well.
• A scout gets a domination.
• A soldier kills himself with his own rockets.
• The blue team actually wins Dustbowl.
• You see a Meat Spin or eaqually pornographic spray.
• Someone plays ”Billie Jean” over their mic.
• A screen name is so full of random letters and numbers, it’s totally illegible.
• You see a medic fighing as someone dies next to him.
• There is a group of three or more heavies eating sandviches together.
• A scout uses a teleporter.
• As a spy, you uncloak too quickly and die by sentry.
• Someone falls off the ledge in Lumberyard.
• A pyro tries to kill you underwater with his flamethrower.
• Someone dies attemping the crab spy, or the demoman’s pimp walk.
• You become so blubbering drunk you forget how to shoot.
• You pass out on your keyboard.

 Have fun folks! Just remember, always drink responsibly!*

*Not really.

You might have heard of talk of the coming zompocalypse doing the rounds in the form of Left 4 Dead - in the meantime though, there is Zombie Fortress to keep you ticking over with your zombie slaughtering needs.

Basically, it’s a zombies vs survivors mod for TF2, and they’ve just released version 1.0.0 a few days ago.

We SO have to get this on the ubercharged server. The heavy punching aspect would fit in perfectly. For the moment you can go play it on The O.C. (217.163.25.48:27015)

From the site:

Zombie Fortress is a SourceMod plugin that brings the zombie survival genre to Team Fortress 2. The survivors (RED) must fight back a horde of zombies (BLU) and survive an allotted amount of time before they are all killed and turned. Zombie Fortress is specifically designed to be compatible with a normal map rotation. Maps that are specifically designed for Zombie Fortress will automatically activate the plugin and deactivate it at the map’s end.

Features

• Adds a brand new gametype to Team Fortress 2
• Two unique sides to play as. The survivors are well armed but once killed are permanently turned into undead. The melee zombies with a quick spawn time use sheer numbers and focus fire to overwhelm the survivors.
• A fair and reliable auto-balance system to ensure all players have equal opportunity to play zombies and survivors.
• Extremely quick rounds compared to other zombie survival games. A round will at most last approximately 5 to 8 minutes.
• Extensive help system to introduce new players.
• Almost all classes have been modified in some way, adding variety to a server.

Basics

At the beginning of the round, the teams are shuffled in such a manner that 2 thirds of the players are survivors and the remaining third are zombies. Each team has classes assigned to them and they can only be that class.

The survivors (pyro, soldier, demoman, engineer, sniper, spy and medic) must prevent the zombies from capturing the control points while at the same time avoiding being killed in the process. If a survivor is killed, they join the zombie team immediately. The biggest issue the survivors face is running out of ammo, especially since the maps have very little ammo around the control points.

The zombies (scout and heavy) need to either kill all the survivors or capture all the control points to win. Unlike the survivors, the zombies are only armed with melee attacks with the exception of the heavy’s sandvich. Group efforts to take out important targets is crucial as a lone zombie will often lose to a group of survivors. All zombies have minor health regeneration.

Meet The Survivors

PYRO [Assault]: Cannot use the axetingusher. The pyro is the frontline defense against scouts and with assistance, deal with heavies. A pyro is often within melee reach and can be killed with a single heavy critical punch, so beware.

SOLDIER [Assault] Starts with double rocket ammo, this ammo returns to normal limits once the excess is depleted. Increases speed, same as demoman. The soldier with his high health is a great at stopping waves of zombies from overwhelming the survivors. However, he is not as great against single targets.

DEMOMAN [Assault] Starts with double grenade ammo, this ammo returns to normal limits once the excess is depleted. Fills the same role as the soldier but accomplishes the task differently.

ENGINEER [Support]: Cannot use the shotgun. Sentry only lasts 22 seconds and cannot be repaired/upgraded/refilled. Dispensers do not resupply and instead used as barricades. Sentries with their knockback are great for warding off zombies but require a large amount of metal to maintain.

SNIPER [Support]: Whenever the sniper kills a zombie, he regains 50 health, 5 rifle rounds and 25 SMG rounds. The sniper, alongside the spy are resource efficient ways to kill zombie heavies which normally drain a lot of the survivor’s ammunition.

SPY [Support]: Cannot use the sapper. Can cloak for 33 seconds and can attack immediately after decloaking. Fulfils the same the role as the sniper but more efficiently. However, the spy is a melee class and can easily be killed.

MEDIC [Support]: The medigun’s overheal is capped at 125% and last indefinitely. Fulfils the same the role as the sniper but more efficiently. One of the key players in the survivor’s defense and expect them to be targets of the zombies quite often.

Meet The Zombies

SCOUT: Melee only. Quick and deadly with the bat, the scout is most suited to killing the support classes. Whenever a scout is killed, he drops his bat which restores 100 ammo when picked up a survivor. If you intend on trying to drain the survivor’s resources or want to kill a pyro, go heavy.

HEAVY: Increased movement speed. Melee and sandvich only. The heavy is the siege weapon of the zombie team. He can take out most classes with one critical punch and can soak up a lot of damage due to his 300 health. A heavy zombie normally drops nothing upon death unless the sandvitch is equipped, which is dropped to be a health pickup to be used by either team. The heavy due to his slow speed is not suitable at taking out support classes alone.

BRRRAAAAAAAAIIINNNS!!!!

Once upon a time, I never held any sort of love for the Soldier. When I compared him to the classes I liked, there was no appeal to be seen… He couldn’t run around super fast like the Scout. He couldn’t set everything on fire like the Pyro. Heck, I even thought the Demoman was a better choice for explosives, and that was before everyone realised the stupid power of sticky bombs and began pretending they’d been playing the class from the start. Anyway, there he was, languishing at the bottom of my most played list, until I realised that more and more I needed to take up the role in battle… Generally when the rest of my team were all Spies trying to take down a bunch of sentries by randomly running in and then getting burned to death. Yet, alas! I was rubbish at the class; blowing myself up and watching every rocket jump fail miserably! It was clear that I needed to train myself up. And that’s exactly what I decided to do…

Day one – The journey begins

I find myself standing in the middle of the bridge on 2Fort with an oddly steely resolve. I want to be able to do this, and bask in the glee of a crit rocket storm as I fly through the air… Yet when I go for my first attempt at jumping onto the top deck, I find myself doing a tiny little bunny hop forwards at the Soldier screams in pain about the fact he’s just lost a large chunk of health. As far as I could tell, I was doing everything right – Point at feet, then fire and jump. I presumed it must have been bad timing, but the second I try and sort myself out for another go a nearby enemy soldier starts trying to blast me to bits. I panic, aiming at him directly and spamming the fire button. Of course, all the rockets miss. The end result is I’m defenseless, mindless for not whipping out the Shotgun… And lifeless. Hmm. This is tougher than I thought.

Day four – Not always in bits anymore

Some time has passed, and I find myself getting slightly better. Sure, some sentries still rip me apart like the idiotic piece of tissue paper I am, but at least all the kamikaze Pyros are blowing up the second they try and charge at me… This makes me feel immensely smug about myself, up until the point I realise killing an enemy who is running in a straight line isn’t exactly the most difficult of tasks. Still, other things are coming along nicely – I’ve finally realised aiming ahead of the enemy is the way to go, even if most of my rockets still miss due to phenomenally bad timing. I’ve even pulled off a few successful rocket jumps, even if the shock of succeeding sort of left me in awed dumbstruck wonder afterwards. So…

I’m getting better! Sort of.

Day nine – Wait, is this skilled Soldier play I’m pulling off?

It’s while I defend the fourth point on Well, watching people blow up into little tiny bits, that I suddenly realise something – I’m doing quite well. I know this because that Scout who runs up the staircase meets a perfectly timed rocket that was fired ahead of him. I also know this because my rocket jumps no longer see me stumble around like a fool, but instead see me flying gracefully like a swan. Admittedly, I’ve never seen a graceful swan firing rockets everywhere while screaming “MAGGOTS!” everywhere, but you get the idea. Granted, I still die once or twice and the point I’m trying to defend eventually falls, but no longer is this because I’m doing absolutely everything wrong. Indeed, like certain others, it occurs to me that I actually enjoy this method of blasting everything to pieces… The class starts to become part of my general lifestyle, as I wander round my house scaring the cat with random Soldier quotes, and then going on to read handy tips on how to get even better. It strikes me this inow isn’t something I’m doing just to ensure that I don’t have a class I’m truly weak with – I’m doing it because I’m having fun.

(Cheers to General Balls for the images)

Day fifteen – I am the crit bringer. Fear me.

So, to me, it felt like just another game on Granary. I decide to go Soldier, so I rocket jump up to the top of the crates as we fight for the centre point, and start to rain down fiery death on all those who dare to oppose me. I do this like I’ve been doing it all my life, and as we succeed with the capture, I fire one last rocket that crits with a perfect hit on a Pyro who had only just turned the corner and came into view. This goes on, and when my third domination on a player occurs someone actually makes a comment I’d thought I’d never hear - “Wow, you’re pretty good”. This only fuels my resolve. Level three sentry? Flank around, peek around the corner, blast it to bits. Heavy suddenly waaaay too close to me? See you later dude, I’m rocket jumping away. Oh, and have some painful explosions for your troubles. I don’t even flinch when the game suddenly enters sudden death, and I’m not even exaggerating when I say I take out 6 of the 8 opposing players. You could argue that the opposition was rubbish, or that I simply got lucky. That’s your opinion. Mine, though?

I’m not a trainee soldier anymore. I’m a fully-fledged killing machine, and I’m loving every minute of it.

Chances are you heard of the infamous pixel art Goon City.

Its basically a collaborative city made by the goons at the somethingawful forums. Chances also are youve heard of goon tower. It was a project before gooncity rolled along and messed up the Internet.

Sure but how does this have to do with TF2?

I found 2Fort:

And then Well:

If you find any cool TF2 references or anything funny drop the link in the comments.

Also, you can check out Ryan Allen’s blog and contribute something to gooncity.

We talked about teamfortress.tv way back in the early days of TF2 (November last year). They did some great coverage of the CEVO Team Fortress 2, season 1 competition.

They’ve been off air for a little while, but now PhaSe sends word that they’re back covering CEVO TF2 season 2. There’s a couple of episodes up for S2. The first is a round up of S1 competition, and the second (released yesterday) goes over a couple of recent matches:

Results from the 2nd round of Pre-games of Cevo Season 2. Veneration vs Northern Resistance and Sway Gaming vs Eximius.

EDIT: Yes, I had the Video embedded here, but Wipido was giving some nasty Javascript errors, so you’ll just have to click the link instead

I’ve recently just returned from a visit to the RED base on 2fort, you know checking in for gossip, seeing old friends, chilling poolside, all the perks of being an Ubercharged writer has (and being mentally unstable after sniffing glue. Note; Ubercharged does not condone glue misuse, remember just say ‘Thanks but I’m quite alright’). I discovered while I was there that the TF2 characters get alot of agony aunt style letters from fans. After pouring through them I decided to get an answer to one of these questions from each member of the RED team, as my duty as a delusional reporter in his pants (or underwear for the Americans). I grab a letter at random and head off to seek answers.

The Question

Dear RED team,

I have been a fan of TF2 for a long time, and always play as RED (Suck it BLU). I even met my boyfriend on TF2, I was a Heavy and he a Medic. We always played together but recently he hasn’t been online much. He said it was due to overtime at work, but I recently saw him playing around with a Pyro on BLU! I think he’s cheating on me but am too afraid to confront him about it. What can I do?

From, Lonely Sandvich

And the answers…

Engineer

I start with the Engineer, as he is the easiest to find, by the intel polishing his equipment. As I enter he gives me a glare, looks me up and down then whacks me one on the head with his wrench, I go down like a sack of potatoes. When I regain consciousness he’s no longer interested in me, content that I’m not a spy nor a threat as proved by my girlish scream when being hit. I read the letter to him, he muses for a bit gives the sentry a final hit and turns to me, “Now you see this is a problem of love, a philosophical dilemma and I’m more of a fixer of the practical, the physical, of what can be seen by the eye and touched by the hand. That said I can design a piece of technology to help.” He goes over to the intel and opens it up, a bright light burns my eyes and when I stop seeing spots he’s flicking through some blueprints in his hands. “Hmm maybe the LIE Bomb™, that’s a bomb designed to be placed on the subject and explode when they lie, though I never could get the size of the bomb down so the subject wouldn’t notice,” he lets the blueprint fall to the floor engrossed in finding the next design, I pick it up and on it I see a crudely drawn spy strapped to what looks like an atomic bomb. “Ah how about the Good Companion™. It’s a small level one sentry on wheels, set it to follow this devious trickster and if he cavorts with this pyro it’ll fill her full air holes,” he looks up and grins at me, looking genuinely pleased with the idea. He starts to fill me with an uneasy feeling, even behind his goggles I could tell his gears were turning and only more ideas were going to be produced. I thank him for his time and hurry out of the intel room, the blueprint under my arm.

Scout

As I rush out of the room I stumble into the Scout, “Hey! Watch it there buddy! Jeez! You’ve messed up my lap time.” I apologise still feeling light headed from the Engineer attack, and his creepy grin. I tell him what I’m doing, he agrees to listen as long as he can keep pacing on the spot. After I finish reading the letter he is doing lunges, “Huh. Guy sounds like a jackass,” he switches to stretching his legs, “Hey that mean she’s single, right? She needs a real man, someone trustworthy, gets the job done, someone with honour,” he stops exercising flicks a card at me and points to himself with a grin, “In short she needs me, give her my card”. An awkard silence hangs in the air, he’s still posing like he’s in a cheesey 80’s show and I’m still holding my pounding head. The silence is broken by the bellowing laughter from the Heavy, “HAHAHA! Puny man make little joke! HAHAHA! Real man!” The Scout rushes towards the Heavy, his baseball bat drawn, “That’s it tubs!”. I leave the two fighting, deciding to talk to the Heavy after he beats the Scout. As I head upstairs I look at the scouts card.

Demoman

As I get upstairs I hear a groan from a hay pile. I cautiously approach the apparently in pain hay and brush off the top layer, to find a very drunken Demoman. His one eyelid shoots open and locks onto me. He grabs my shirt and pulls himself up and myself down, I soon find myself regretting this journalistic journey. “Whatcho want, eh?” he says standing above me, well I say standing but I mean more in the way jelly stands but still wobbles side to side. I tell him I’m a journalist and show him my credentials, which he takes and keeps for himself, I tell him about the letter. He agrees and I read the letter to him as he searches the other hay piles. When I finish he is still searching the hay piles, he finally pulls out another bottle of whiskey, “Ahh there yer are!”. He turns round and looks at me before eventually remembering, “Ahh right yeah, der question de question.” He takes a long drink from the bottle, “Betcho want an answer from me that says ‘oh aye just blow ‘im up’, right?”, I don’t answer, “Well you can git stuffed! Just tell this lass ta haf it out wit’ her fella, lay her cards on the table like. That fella needs to stop pissin’ around, he ain’t invincible like he thinks, if he keep this up he ain’t gonna haf nothin’ but regrets at the end. And who needs stinkin’ regrets, eh?” He looks mournfully into my eyes and takes another swig, then takes a smaller bottle from his belt holster and throws it at me, “But if it does go all tits up, nothin’ better than drink ta make yer forget. Now I’m gonna go lie in the water for a bit”. He stumbles off, as I get back onto my feet I hear a faint splash. Now I also feel the need for a drink but first I might need medical assistance.

Medic

I stumble into the Medic’s office just as a battered and bloodied Scout exits, he says nothing and sulks off. While I’m getting patched up I tell the Medic about the letter, when I finish he’s cleaning the equipment and lets out a sigh, “Vis seems to be a very sad case of ze achey breaky heart syndrome, very sad but very treatable. She needs to confront ze cause of ze problem, if she iz afraid I can give her 10 seconds of invulnerability.” I tell him that it probably wouldn’t help in this case she’s not afraid of physical pain but emotional, “Vell I am a docter of ze body not of ze mind, I have enough problems healing vis teams physical wounds without dealing with their emotional ones.” I ask him if there isn’t anything that he could prescribe for her, “Fine! Here, vis will help heal her and cheer her up.” He throws a package onto my lap, it’s a sandvich, I tell him it’s a sandvich. “Vell it worked when I gave it to ve Heavy.”

Sniper

I walked out to the balcony where sure enough I found the Sniper staring through the scope. At first he was hesitant to be distracted, but I told him it wouldn’t mean he’d need to look away from the scope, he reluctantly agreed. I read him the letter, noticing that the more I read it out loud the more my voice became monotonous. “Camp.”. Camp? “Yes, camp.” I asked him for more details, “Listen boyo it’s simple you set up a good spot overlooking the enemy, and wait. If he’s cheating then she can decide what to do while looking through a scope. This can take a long time so be prepared, bring a thermos and some food, but never take your eyes off the prize. Oh yes she may need this.” He kicks an empty bottle to my feet, without turning his eyes from his scope. I ask why she may need it, almost immediately regretting it as I asked. He simply smiled and said, “Once she’s set up camp she’ll know what it’s for.” I shudder and carefully place the bottle in my bag.

Soldier

After washing my hands I decide to try and talk to the Soldier next, I find him in the courtyard marching to one side then rocket jumping to the other side. As I approach and get him to agree to hear out the letter, he never once stops marching but at least agrees not to rocket jump. As I read the letter to him, his face never changes and I become unsure whether he’s even listening. After I finish he marches two more lengths before responding, “Is that it? I thought you were going to give me a real problem, like watching your own team get slaughtered infront of you, friends exploding before your very eyes. Having to lie in a ditch they dug amongst your closest pals bodies until night fall, waiting for them to sleep then taking the very shovel they used to beat the livin’ tar out of all of them!” He has stopped marching now and staring at me, I can’t see his eyes but I know he’s staring at me with wide open and manic eyes. No I tell him pretty much just the love problem, “You don’t need any other love than the love for your team! You must fight for your team! Live for your team! And die for your team! There are two people in this world, ones that kill and the ones that are killed, and I can tell you that the ones that think about love are always the ones that are killed. Here,” He throws me a minuture flag, then continues to march. I guess that’s as much as I will get from him so I make my leave.

Pyro

Coming to the entrance I spotted what I knew would be the hardest person to get an answer from, the androgynous Pyro. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the ensuing game of charades. As I approached the Pyro, he/she noticed me and pointed his/her flamethrower at me, crap spy check again? I quickly tried to prove I wasn’t a spy, but the only thing I could think of that proved I wasn’t a spy was to do a taunt. So yes readers I danced my little dance I do when I’m happy to stop myself being set on fire, judge me if you want but I’d rather not have third degree burns. After he/she had stopped laughing, ouch my pride, I explained myself. He/She seemed to accept so I read her the letter (trying my best not to sound too monotoned), he/she listened until the end then simply handed me a small pendant and walked off. What the bleeding hell? What is the Pyro’s backstory, I wandered off befuddled by the encounter.

Heavy

As I walk outside I find the Heavy sitting along the bank eating a sandvich, which I could hear him eating from inside from the base. I sat beside him and took a little break from all of the interviews I had done, we sat both enjoying the silence (once he had finished the sandvich) and watching the drunken body of the Demoman slowly float along in the water.

When I had regained my strength to continue I told the Heavy about my endeavour and he agreed to take part. I was worried I read the letter too monotoned again, but when I looked at the Heavy I swear I could see a small tear in his eye. “Puny woman’s story touches me!” he bellowed, “Heavy also know pain of being alone. Due to large size puny kids would not let me play tag, worried I crush them with large hands. But I found good friends.” The RED team? “They good, mostly. But I mean Sasha and Natascha,” he patted the guns laying beside him. “Here take Sasha to little woman, no one win agruement against her,” he picked up Sasha but hesitated then placed it back down, “Wait no, not Sasha. Maybe Natascha . . ugh I cannot bear to be apart from precious friends. Wait! Puny woman can have Alisa.” He handed me a small shotgun, “I not need Alisa since I got sandvich. Mmm sandvich.” He began eating again, to save my eardrums I took my cue to leave. Now just one more team member left…

Spy

The Spy was the hardest of the team to hunt down, he was trained to be a ghost, never to be seen. I searched high and low around the base, asked around, and even tried BLU base (omitting the fact I was looking for a RED spy in their base), but turned up nothing. It was as I was splashing around in the sewers for the third time when I heard footsteps but saw no one. I explained why I was there and even read the letter out loud, there was no reply but my own faint echo. Just as I felt too foolish to continue I heard a smooth gentle voice echo down the tunnel, “It is fine I shall partake in this little mission of yours.” So you will show yourself? “No if it is all the same to you I like to keep people at a distance and my identity a secret. Part of the job you see?” I didn’t but agreed anyway. “This lady should undertake some reconnaissance. She will need this, look behind you,” as I turned I saw a cardboard mask drift towards my feet. “She needs to disguise herself as the enemy Pyro and wait to see if he cheats. If so then maybe suggest a fun little game, involving handcuffs. He’ll agree, men always do. Then once handcuffed to a pipe, she can reveal herself and . . . well that is down to her to decide on now isn’t it?” Ok after all the encounters I’ve had this one truly scared me, mainly due to the fact he spoke without emotion. To him this was the everyday, simply a job, nothing more or less. I thanked him for his time and said I hoped to see him sometime, he only replied, “You best not.”

Conclusion

Never ask RED team for any advice.

Don’t talk to me about the horror of war, boy. Ya ain’t been around long enough to know what true horror really is, tch you think an uberheavy is bad, boy ya ain’t seen nothin’. I’ve been around, served a tour on each map, defended points against innumerable odds, captured more intel than the enemy knew they had. Talkin’ ta me about war, huh? I’ve seen free weekends after an update, medics not knowing how to use an ubercharge, the worst attempts at rocket jumping ya have ever seen. Ya don’t know nothin’ ’bout war ’till you been toe to toe with a ‘eavy with boxing gloves, wit’ nothin’ but you and yer shovel, while snipers pepper the ground wit’ gunfire. Or a faced a true scout rush.

No boy I don’t mean those pansy ass attempts ya’ve witnessed, I’m talkin’ about a true rush of scouts. The one where they know what to do, where to go, don’t waste no time, in short kid a load a scouts that work as a god damned team. Good ‘uns will take a control point before ya even got out ya pyjamas, taken the second as ya gear up and the last as ya exit into the fray. Pretty damn near nothin’ worse than that, granted ya may live to tell the tale but nothin’ destroys a soldiers spirit than being beaten by a load of skinny lil’ runts with baseball bats.

Sentries? Pah! Before an engie can even finish setting one up those fast lil’ weasels have blown it up wit’ that sorry excuse of a shotgun they got. Then they take the bats out onto the engie, but ya see he don’t die straight away, no they slowly knock the man down. Movin’ in and out, taunting the mans slow swing of a wrench then back in to bump ‘im one, and out to mock ‘im. They ain’t got no honour those lads, just a pack of damned hyenas. By the time they done wit’ him there ain’t nothing left but his boots, hardhat and wrench in a pool of blood.

Stickies, now they were a good way ta take ‘em out, stick ‘em to a point and wait for them to rush in. But now some of ‘em have gotten wise to this, won’t go rushing in like normal. No, now one of ‘em will double jump over the point, the demoman gets caught off guard right and sets his bombs off, only they don’t take damage and while some of ‘em be taking the point the others are beating the demoman. They’re getting smarter that’s for damned sure.

Pyros, now they seem like the good choice don’t they? Wrong! Fool why’d I ask ya if it weren’t a trick question, don’tcha know me by now? Don’t answer that kid. Think, what is the scouts main asset? That’s right his speed. And what is the main problem with a flamethrower? Right their short range, maybe you could survive a tour of 2fort now, that ain’t much of a compliment kid. Give those runts some room and they’ll whiz by those pyros unharmed. In fact they can do that wit’ nearly any class on ya team, part from ya own scouts course.

That’s why we got in that new gun for the ‘eavy, Natascha. Slow ‘em buggers right down while we blow ‘em back to their lanky god. But if they got enough numbers on ‘em . . . kid you ever see locust or piranha eat? They cover their prey completely until nothin’ is left right? Well imagine that but wit’ silver baseball wielding lanky Boston lads. The ‘eavy will take a some down but they’ll be right back on him before he knows it.

What? ‘course they can be beat, wouldn’t be ‘ere today if they couldn’t now would I? Ya gotta get ya team working as one, preparing for ‘em. Once you fight off the first wave, they ain’t so tough. They rely on a quick win, don’t have the endurance for a long battle. Get ya pyros protecting engies while they get up their sentries, those scatter guns ain’t worth crap at range, only way a scout can take ‘em is up close. That’s where the pyro comes in see, they also clear out any rogue spies too. The rest of the team should be a good mix, ‘eavy with Natascha, some soldiers, demomen, and head to the next point. Those sentries and pyros will get ‘em while you’re taking the next point. Get a good medic and you’re sorted. This applies to all warfare kid, medics keep ya alive, so keep ‘em happy and alive. If you prepare well ‘nough for ‘em then you got nothin’ to worry ’bout. Unless course the enemy turtle themselves and send out spies.

All of you should know about the new and not-really-improved-but-still-awesome ubercharged.net server. If you don’t, I have one question:”What’s it like living under a rock?” For those of you who have played on the server, I really can’t thank you enough. Many people don’t know exactly what it is that we do on the server. Well, we do play traditional TF2 games, but there’s another thing we do on the server. Most of us may be opposed to achievement farming and griefing, but if there;s one thing that we’re not opposed to, it’s Heavy Boxing. That’s right, we box. A lot. So, without further ado, the video. Hey, and remember, “SUPPORT THE SERVER: PUNCH A HEAVY.”

Special Thanks To: loafaries, Pyrit, jimmy_pop, clubtheseals, Sobchak, Dark Helmet, thomasheperd, dying sucks, RENK, and moSEBy for making this all possible.

And an extra special thanks to General Balls for providing the wonderful and shiny server.

Oh crap, you just went to ÜberCharged.net and you found another contributor posting an obnoxiously long article you don’t want to read through.  In that case, just go down until you see the bold print and go from there.  Don’t you miss the old days when madlep only updated UC like once a week, if we were lucky?  Now if you don’t go on for that long you’ll have ages of content to look over if you don’t want to miss anything.  But I digress.

Some of you may know that I don’t approve of the unlockable content in TF2.  For the longest time before the Gold Rush update, players only used the default weapons that the game came with.  I’m not saying I haven’t had fun with the class packs, but I can never go back to playing TF2 the way it was before the class packs, before the significant changes.

In my opinion, they aren’t balanced and they don’t fulfill the role they should.  Once you had the Blutsauger, the Über Saw, the Back Burner (back while it still had +50 health, Valve fixed this issue and I think it’s an acceptable alternative to the default flame thrower and not a blatant replacement), the Axtinguisher (arguably), and the K.G.B., you would never have gone back to the default items they replaced because the drawbacks were too insignificant.  A 20% slower rate of fire as opposed to quickly building up an ÜberCharge in a few seconds?  A 20% slower rate of fire as opposed to 100% Crits for five seconds?  The unlockable content should have served as alternatives to win the battle for your team, not outright replacements.  I can see only a few, such as the Kritzkrieg and Natascha, being balanced.

I’m aware that this topic isn’t new, but I have thought up of a realistic compromise that I think could be achieved.

This is what I’d propose to Valve:  Allow servers to disable unlockable content.  I was talking to my friend about this, and we decided to affectionately label them as “Orthodox servers.”  When you spawn as a Heavy or a Pyro, you’re just left with the default weapons, and when you join a non-Orthodox server, you revert back to your previous weapon setup.  Vanilla TF2, the way I believe the game should have been played, and TF2 can’t be enjoyed the way it was before the class packs were released.  You may certainly disagree, but I think this is a reasonable compromise that wouldn’t affect the players who don’t mind the unlockable content and would appeal to those who do.

The only problem I could see is possible technical limitations; is it possible for Valve to allow servers to disable them?  I hope so.  I miss vanilla TF2.  Valve once updated the servers so that they could have the ability to disable Critical Hits, to cater to the players who didn’t like Crits.  Also, there may be plenty of people willing to play in no-Crit servers, but if there isn’t a signficant amount of players who would like playing on Orthodox servers, then Valve may not bother to do something about it.

Despite its significant shortcomings, I still go back to playing occasional matches of TF2 on the Xbox 360, merely because they don’t have the class packs.  I’m not going to deny that they’ve extended the longevity of TF2, and I certainly appreciate the tremendous effort Valve has put in for the community, all for free, but I didn’t think it was the right decision.  The only way I would have approved is if they released all the class packs when the game came out.  However, TF2 would have been delayed even further, with endless beta testing for balance issues and glitches.  That’s why I think they shouldn’t even have been released.  Even though they may put in a considerable amount of effort working with new unlockable content, they can’t foresee all of the possible balance issues or conflicts with future class packs.  If I may be so bold, you could almost call us Alpha-testers.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been playing TF2, your rockets do the same amount of damage as mine (unless you Crit, of course).  Valve has mainly focused on what they see in public games, not caring as much for the competitive aspect, trying mostly to cater to more casual players.  That’s understandable, but developing long term rewards, in my opinion, might create the game into a less newbie-friendly environment, and I think that contradicts what Valve has set out to do in the first place.  Imagine players like madlep who perhaps only play TF2 for a few hours a week and can’t be bothered with spending time to unlock Achievements and the weapons.  They’ll be at a considerable advantage and put off the game at best.  I understand that these rewards are meant to be for the dedicated long-term player, but at this time I believe the class packs do not accomodate the casual players the way Valve may have intended them.

To summarize: Valve should work to balance the unlockable content more, but at the same time provide a vanilla mode for servers that disables unlockable content.  I believe it will be a reasonable and feasible compromise.

Feel free to share your opinions and criticisms, I want to know what your stance on this issue is.  Thank you for reading, and to madlep for giving me an outlet.

I was browsing around FPSB forums and found this clever fake scout update.

Click here or on the image to see it full sized.

Click here to see fake sniper update.

Click here to see fake spy update.

All credit goes to Zippy from the FPSBanana Forums.

Here’s the thread from the forums.

There’s a lot of people out to get you in Team Fortress 2, isn’t there? You can attack all those soldiers and sentries up ahead of you, but that won’t necessarily stop the backstabbing spy, or the angry Pyro who doesn’t like anyone who isn’t on fire. Still, at least you know of their presence, and the possibility that they may send you flying all the way back to spawn street. Yet did you know there’s something out there that you may not be aware of, but may well of been the cause of many a death? Something sneakily plotting against you, and there’s nothing you can do about it? Yeah, there is, and I’ll tell you what it is.

The walls.

No, seriously…

Stop sniggering at the back, because they are truly the unknown enemy. Allow me to explain by making you picture a fairly common scenario – An angry Pyro rushing towards you with the classic (Yet still annoying) W + Left click strategy going. You back off, chipping away at his health with the limited ammo you have… But wait! You couldn’t see what was behind you, and have just run straight into a small wall! You’ve come to a dead halt, and your life forecast has unexpectedly become one of a sudden heatwave, followed by a heavy downpour of swearing! Some may say that it’s your fault for not knowing the maps well enough but, quite frankly, these people are idiots. I doubt anyone has the time or skill to build up a perfect picture of the map to the extent that you could actually run around it with your eyes closed. So the blame would normally fall on the Pyro who ran at you – But what of the wall? If it weren’t there, you’d be fine. You’d have a kill. Hell, you might have even gone on to win the game single-handed! Stupid wall.

This isn’t the only thing these sneaky death-bringers can do, though. I’m sure we’ve all had times where we need to make a hasty getaway, so have tried to jump out the nearest window or tightly dash around the nearest corner. Of course, if 0.00001% of your character model actually hits that wall, the game is going to treat it like you’ve just been smacked in the face and slow you right down… I seriously can’t remember ever escaping down that long tunnel in Dustbowl stage 3, because those stupid pillars that stick out from either side always allow the inevitable crit rocket to catch up with me. You just take it as a bit of bad luck, but all of the time the wall itself is laughing at you and secretly plotting its next move…

…Which generally takes the form of lulling you into a false sense of security if you actually get round the corner. It’s really quite frustrating to watch your opponents disappear from view when you only have 2 health after a daring escape around the nearest cover, only for you to fall down dead a second later. It’s like the wall itself has melted just enough to let bullets pass through it, or it’s giving the bullets instructions on how to turn corners – “He just turned here! Go that way!”. I suppose people who actually have any sort of sanity would say it’s just a bit of unfortunate lag, but I say these people are actually insane. Because I have let you in on the horrible truth.

So, next time you play Team Fortress 2, forget about the bullets, flames and rockets heading towards you. Instead, keep a close eye on the walls, because you never know what they could be planning. Hell, perhaps fire a shot or two at them, to make sure they know who is the boss…. Only then will you be able to counter what was once an unknown enemy.

I recently found this neat little 16 Bit 2D Multiplayer TF2 Spinoff called Gang Garrison. Its part of the TIG Independent Gaming Forums’ Demake Contest.

Announcement Page

Download Here.

It has all the classes but only the primary weapon of each.

Download the theme song here.

Credits to:
Code  -  MedO
Art   -  mrfredman
Sound -  Synnah

Other TF2 Remakes

• Buddy Base 2. An 8Bit 2 player lemmings type game.
  Forum
  Play It
• Sentry Fortress. A single player Flash remake where you are an engineer taking on a scout, soldier, spy, or sniper. Also has achievments
  Play It

All the Demakes (plus download links)
A torrent of all of them (236 MB)

EDIT: If you ever want to play with me just add

Jimmy Pop (UC-A)

I will most likely accept your invite and play with you.