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Ever since the release of the “Meet The Sniper” video, there has been some (minor) speculation of a tenth class called “The VIP” for use in a new type of map called “The Hunted”. While I do believe that there will be a tenth class added to the fray, I highly doubt it will be a fat guy in a suit. Oh no, I believe it will be something much more. I believe that it will be… The Dentist.

The Dentist

Don’t Worry, this shot will numb your mouth so you won’t feel a thing.

You may be saying: “Hey, that’s stupid, we already have a MEDIC why do we need some wussy teeth hygienist?” Well it’s a simple fact really, while the Medic takes care of the important stuff, who’s there to do less work, but take just as much money? Suuure, the Medic may mend broken bones, heal up those bullet holes, and cure that bad case of spontaneous combustion that the Sniper is always contracting (He swears it’s the Pyro’s new flare gun, I just think he has bad gas), but can he do a damn thing about plaque buildup? No.

We don’t need “Ubercharges”, we need “Uber-chompers”. We don’t need “Over-heal”, we need “Overly-ridiculous-plaque-protection”.

The Weapons

Are your teeth numb yet? They’re not? Good. Open wide!!

Now that we have established that the Dentist is a totally kick-ass idea for a class (Don’t argue, just admit defeat and be on your way), we have to decide just WHAT he will use to totally kick your teeth in faster than you can scream NERF (Don’t worry, he can fix any kicked in teeth as long as you pay the $100 surcharge).

The Fluoride-Blaster

First we have to get the weapon that is every doctor’s bread and butter, a ridiculously unrealistic gun that shoots rays of HEAL. While the Medic has the “Medi-Gun”, I propose that the Dentist get a “Fluoride-blaster”. It would rid of any plaque buildup, gengivitis, or cavity-inducing bacteria common to most mouths. And, as previously stated, instead of an “Over-heal” you would get the “Overly-ridiculous-plaque-protection” which can guard your chops for a full 12 hours of protection. Then of course you will get the patented “Uber-chomper” (approved by 4 outta 5 Dentists). This would allow a full 10 SECONDS OF INVINCIBILTY… to your teeth. Think about it… you could down like, 1 WHOLE SODA with no damage to your grinders. And so what if the Medic’s Uber protects your whole body, the Heavy could TOTALLY block bullets with his giant gnashers. Hell, he could probably stop the trains on Well if he wanted to.

The Toothbrush-Gun

Then we need some sort of gun that “Damages” people, you know, to make all you people happy that think Battle Medic is a viable class (What is this? WoW?). I think we should keep it simple and use a gun that shoots toothbrushes, that’s never been done before, right? The bristles of those toothbrushes are designed to get a deep cleen in those hard to reach areas (Like the Blu’s sniper deck of 2fort). I think we can leave it at that.

The Periodontal Probe

Finally, we need a melee weapon. In the rare case that you run out of bullets and have no one around you to heal (Or if your a stupid scout). I think he should use the “Periodontal probe”, you know, that metal thing that’s shaped like a sickle with a sharp end that the Dentist uses to “explore” you teeth when he’s really just causing you horrible agony… yeah that’s the one. Well, there’s a catch to this little instrument. It has a special critical attack whenever it hits an enemies teeth (Similar to the Spy’s backstab, only called a teethstab).

The Conclusion

Uh-oh, THAT wasn’t supposed to happen.

Really, we’ve gotten bored of these simple nine classes Valve, I think that the community is begging for a new original, innovative class like the one I just proposed.

Now go brush your teeth, kid. Your breath smells like a beached whale. And remember, 3 brushes a day keeps the Dentist away (And judging from that last pic, you want him to stay the HELL away from you).