ubercharged.net

Hey, folks! How ya doin’? Lookin’ great!

So I’m playing Dustbowl – great map, Dustbowl, real great – and I’m thinking to myself, “Jeez, these guys are pros! How the heck do I get past them?” ‘Cause you know, RED has the best cool tech stuff, for example: you know those one-way gate things, right? The ones always near the last points? Yeah? How do those work? How DO those things work!? They ain’t plexiglass, fancy doormat things, they’re goddamn grills! They ain’t even new; they’re covered in rust ‘n’ stuff, so HOW do they work!?

My theory, right? My theory as to why these gate things work on Dustbowl? Snipers: a pair of – no, hear me out folks – a pair of incredibly irate, I mean REALLY ticked off snipers, just pulling ropes when someone gets close to one side. “Aw streuth, here comes another wanker. Bruce! BRUCE! Get up ya lazy git!” “Wuzzah? Wha?” “Pull the bloody rope, ya halfwit!” *mimes rope-pulling* “Ah, the stupid bugger wants ta get back through. Ya arsed, Bruce?” “Nah.” “Me either.” And I’m there going, “Open the damn gate, you guys, there are like a million pyros out there, open this goddamn gate!” Okay, not the most likely theory, but I ask you, why not? Why the heck not? I mean, it’s the most useful thing BLU snipers can do on Dustbowl! BOOYAH!

But seriously folks, RED always get the cool stuff. They win more games, have an easier time, and you know why? Because they have a rocket at their end and BLU have a cave. Valve can nerf classes, why not a whole team? I’d like to see how they like being couped up in a derelict mine, know what I’m sayin’? See how they like it! Yeah!

But maybe I’m being a bit too harsh on those guys. I mean sure, they have all the neat crap on Dustbowl and Goldrush, but ya have to admit they drew the short straw on Hydro. I mean, really. We’ve got this big-ass building the size of the Bronx! It’s so big, the Heavy can get through the doors without touching the sides! OH! Nah, I’m joking, folks, I’m joking. But we have got this massive concrete thing, and what do RED have? What do they have? A pond. They’ve got a respawn room, a control point, and a pond. I thought Valve was all about balanced gameplay, but after that… after that, I’m starting to doubt their efforts, y’know?

Well, it’s been great folks, you’ve been a great audience, but I’ve got places to go, people to bonk! Thank you, and goodnight!