You’re playing it wrong.
Welcome to the wild and wonderful world of Team Fortress 2! Before I continue, let me just begin by saying this: you’re doing it wrong.
Platforms
See that system you’re playing the game on? Yeah. It’s the wrong one.
- PC?
Hah. Go back to making spreadsheets, you pathetic old man. - Mac?
You pretentious yuppie. Think different, huh? Well, if you’re thinking so different, why do you need software to make your precious Apple product run like a Windows machine? - Xbox 360/ PS3?
Just…no.
Achievements
Well, now that we’ve gotten the issue of your poor choice in hardware out of the way, let’s move on to achievement options. Do you love ‘em or hate ‘em? Either way, you’re wrong.
- Achievement farmer?
You server-hogging knob-head. Why don’t you clear the game for people who actually want to play? - Achievement basher?
You loser. I bet you don’t even have the flare gun yet. You’re a disgrace.
Class Selection
Okay, now it’s time to pick a class! Make sure not to pick the wrong – too late.
- Scout?
That’s completely unfair. The other team has less people than you, how dare you give yourself a slight advantage in speed and capping power. What? They have more people than you now? Well change classes, Scouts are useless against sentries. - Pyro?
You’ve got to be kidding me. A fingerless, mentally disabled chimp could play the Pyro easily. I guess that explains why you’re so bad at it. - Demoman?
That grenade launcher is way overpowered. You have no right to use it in combat. Just for that, you should have to belly-flop onto a busy freeway. - Heavy?
You fat sack of crap. You’re too f**king slow to help your team. You might as well just bind a key to “Explode” and just mash that until the round is over, you obese, disgusting pig. - Engineer?
You could not have picked a more boring, lame, Muppet of a class. Setting up your stupid f**king sentries and just sitting there whacking at it. You also hog your dispenser and place useless teleporters. Credit to team? I think not. Unless, of course, you’ve set up your sentry outside the enemy spawn. You should be PermaBanned from life, you kill-stealing, spawn-camping bitch. - Medic?
Ordinarily, Medics are a helpful addition to any team. Of course, aberrant forms, such as you, have been known to exist. You popped that Ubercharge too early! You popped that one too late! Don’t heal him, heal that other guy! The one on fire! No, that’s a dispenser! You idiot! - Sniper?
How about you play something useful, for once. What the – how did you kill that guy?! That was totally not a headshot! You weren’t even zoomed in! VOTEKICK! VOTEBAN! - SPY?
IT’S NOT A F**KING BACKSTAB IF I CAN SEE YOU WHEN YOU STAB ME! I HATE YOUR STUPID FROG GUTS, YOU COWARD!!1 WTF Y R UZE HAX??!!ONE!! - SOLDIER?!!
…There you go, now you’re doing it right! That’s perfectly balanced, fair class. Be sure to play as one as much as possible!
And another big “hey! whats up!” to sQUEAKYfOAMpEANUT – with an especially angstful rant against… well pretty much everything – madlep
sQUEAKYfOAMpEANUT on August 7th 2008 in demoman, engineer, heavy weapons guy, how to, medic, pyro, scout, sniper, soldier, spy, team fortress 2, ubercharged, valve
Stumble it!
General Balls responded on 07 Aug 2008 at 6:20 pm #
I really do not know how to respond to this.
Jams responded on 07 Aug 2008 at 6:35 pm #
*yawn*
Shrapnel responded on 07 Aug 2008 at 6:40 pm #
I do…
sQUEAKYfOAMpEANUT get your arse on the first fail boat out of here.
Neuromante responded on 07 Aug 2008 at 6:43 pm #
Indeed to everything, lol, specially to the sniper and mac lines.
Direction responded on 07 Aug 2008 at 6:45 pm #
The hopeful part of me hopes this is a parody of many pub players.
Poke responded on 07 Aug 2008 at 8:16 pm #
It is a parody, trolls.
Spooner responded on 07 Aug 2008 at 9:08 pm #
Oh man. And people call me a dick.
supremesonic responded on 07 Aug 2008 at 11:02 pm #
Wow, just… Wow. I love you. <3
TPMX responded on 08 Aug 2008 at 12:01 am #
I’m gonna show this to all my bashing friends now…
J3553 responded on 08 Aug 2008 at 1:04 am #
So…. he doesn’t play any class on any platform? Is he Amish or something?
Pinko responded on 08 Aug 2008 at 1:38 am #
Obviously he plays on Linux. Did you see Linux on that list? No. He left it out.
Linux + TF2 = Amazing Fun-ness!
Pad See Ew responded on 08 Aug 2008 at 2:53 am #
This post crystallized everything that’s wrong about this game: the playerbase.
Himmelstoss responded on 08 Aug 2008 at 3:36 am #
I like. Welcome to the team! Keep them rants up!
Don’t rant about how 2fort sucks, I have a rant about that in the making
sQUEAKYfOAMpEANUT responded on 08 Aug 2008 at 9:05 am #
Wow. Some people just can’t recognize a parody anymore.
And they say I fail.
They responded on 08 Aug 2008 at 10:04 am #
Man, this squeakyfoampeanut guy fails.
sQUEAKYfOAMpEANUT responded on 08 Aug 2008 at 10:59 am #
“Hysterical”
Tim responded on 09 Aug 2008 at 12:38 pm #
Oh man, I was waiting for the soldier bit to see what you had to say and I was pleasantly surprised! I would have been sad to see my favorite class bashed.
Cheyrl responded on 10 Aug 2008 at 8:30 am #
Scouts are useless against sentries.
Scouts are useless
useless
Aww shoot.
Thanks for letting me know that; I would have never guessed that every time I destroy a sentry it’s just a cruel joke on me. D:
Mr. Vorhias responded on 16 Jan 2009 at 2:53 pm #
Everyone should just always play soldiers all the time just like how everyone should always play Smash Brothers with no items and always on Final Destination.
It’s not “Boring.”
It’s “CORE.”
Ro responded on 16 Sep 2009 at 3:12 am #
Pad See Ew
You have to be more general, it’s humanity.