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What is it about the Heavy that reduces him to being the butt of cringe-inducing jokes and allows him to get royally nailed in several “Meet the…” videos? One could say it’s Valve indirectly declaring war on Russia, in their own strange way of doing things, but we at ubercharged know the truth!*

Laws of the Heavy

1. The Heavy in a nutshell: A moving sentry gun that can get headshotted, backstabbed and critted.
2. You are the biggest target on the battlefield.
3. You are the slowest target on the battlefield.
4. Retreat is never an option.
5. The time it takes for the minigun to wind up is directly proportional to how great the threat to the Heavy is.
6. Sasha can pull off hitting the broad side of a barn with victorious gusto. Everyone you shoot at is smaller than the broad side of a barn.
7. At any given moment, if you realise there’s a Spy around, he will already be in the process of backstabbing you.
8. Explosives are like giant baseball bats, they will always knock you into the most inconvenient spot, always while you’re winding up, before you get a chance to shoot at anyone (especially during ubers). If one didn’t knock you into an inconvenient spot, that is because it was a crit, and it killed you.
9. The chance of being sniped is a hard constant. If you go outside, you will get headshotted.
10. Heavy vs Heavy battles are always decided by crits.
11. A good Heavy/Medic relationship is critical on a battlefield, when used well it can be devastating, cutting destructive paths into the enemy lines, and easily winning the game for the team if done properly. Needless to say, any Medic that latches onto you will be useless.
12. It doesn’t matter where you are, or who you play with, as long as you play Heavy you will encounter a Medic that asks you to pull your fists out for an uber.
13. Multiple times (corollary to Law #12).
14. Taking into account Law #11, any Medic healing you at any time will neglect to call out “Spy!” and try to kill it himself. His attempts will always fail until one of the following events happen:
    1. The Spy backstabs you.
    2. The Spy facestabs you.
    3. The Spy facestabs him and then backstabs you
15. The Medic is only healing you because you’re a bigger target than him.
16. When fighting a Scout, the minigun’s bullets will always go everywhere but where he is.
17. An enemy Engineer will always have enough metal to keep his sentry alive just long enough for you to die and be presented with a deathcam showing it with a sliver of health. This will happen again with the same sentry after a failed uber, with 60 seconds left in the round.
18. All friendly dispensers will be built next to friendly Sentries, back at spawn.
19. Spumping is an art known by the many, used by the few, and extremely effective until you decide to try it yourself, where it will promptly be met by crits.
20. Any corner you decide to spump around will have eight stickies planted on it.
21. Heavies are a magnet and catalyst for enemy crits.
22. Heavies are a magnet and catalyst for badly timed ubers.
23. The most effective thing you can do with your fists is taunt with them.
24. When you’re on fire, a Pyro with an axetinguisher is the scariest thing since Soldier crits. You…cannot get away…med-pack…so…close…
25. Singing reduces the crit-chance of all enemies within 50m by 0.5%. Do it as often as you can.

* The ubercharged contingent of writers reserve the right to act suspicious and evasive when questioned concerning the truth. Any attempt to consider thinking about calling us liars regarding the truth will be met with extreme bludgeoning and verbal abuse. We’re that good…

…and we are not liars.

See the About page for clarification on our truthiness policy – madlep