Always Bold
Left! Your left! Left, right, left!
Left! Your left! Left, right, left!
Army men are always bold!
In the air or on the road!
Rockets, rockets, never cold!
Hit their marks and then explode!
Left! Your left! Left, right, left!
Left! Your left! Left, right, left!
We don’t need no sissy stealth!
Shock and awe, they work the best!
Give me ammo, give me health!
Punks go boom like all the rest!
Left! Your left! Left, right, left!
Company! Halt!
Atteeeeeeeention!
I am a member of this unit, tasked with the following objectives: assault upon heavily-fortified zones; infiltration of elevated areas via land-to-air rocket propulsion; and ensuring the the delivery of volatile explosives to vulnerable positions within hostile territories! In so doing, I ensure the progression of my unit’s overall goals while interfering with enemy operations!
I am equipped with the following modified equipment: one standard-issue entrenching tool, collapsible for ease of use; one pump-action shotgun, a secondary offensive firearm ideal for short-range combat; and one modified rocket launcher! This last weapon is my primary means of facilitating defensive and offensive maneuvers! Upon the battlefield, this is my bread and butter! One rocket can disperse enemy forces while successive blasts can annihilate them!
With these weapons, I am a weapon! I seek nothing other than to inflict pain upon my opponents until they are no longer capable of feeling it! If they have supplies, I will seize them! If they have defenses, I will demolish them! If they have dreams, I will crush them! I will fight to the last rocket and to the last shotgun shell, and when they are gone, I will fight with shovel or helmet or bare fists! I am a warrior! I am the stuff of nightmares! I am destruction incarnate!
I am a soldier! This is what we do!
Ryebread on July 17th 2008 in soldier, team fortress 2
Stumble it!
waebi responded on 17 Jul 2008 at 8:11 am #
*runs away and hides under the desk*
Coded One responded on 17 Jul 2008 at 8:15 am #
YAY! I love the soldier. That’s a good Jody Call too.
I like it, a crazed psychotic gunman has never been more bad ass.
Oh, and I think you forgot the “Welcome to Team Fortress 2″ after the line “This is what we do”.
Now I wanna see the Pyro’s.
Coded One responded on 17 Jul 2008 at 8:19 am #
Oh, and just to be nitpicky:
“Left! Your left! Left, right, left!
Atteeeeeeeention!”
He technically wouldn’t call attention until after he calls company/platoon/squad/detail halt.
I’m a nitpicker and this is what we do…
I’m glad that I could annoy you.
But really, keep them up.
Ryebread responded on 17 Jul 2008 at 10:53 am #
Damn, I can’t believe I missed that
My apologies, but I’ll see if I can get that fixed and make sure I don’t do that in the future
Coded One responded on 17 Jul 2008 at 12:33 pm #
lol, don’t fix it, it looks better the way it is. I just nitpick
Have fun keep it up. I really like these.
Aldrenean responded on 17 Jul 2008 at 12:39 pm #
Also, volatile, not volative.
Loving these, really well written.
Coded One responded on 17 Jul 2008 at 2:26 pm #
YAY! I’m not the only nitpicker here.
If the pyro’s is written entirely in Mmrpggh then I’m gonna have to marry you.
GeForce responded on 17 Jul 2008 at 3:06 pm #
Hehe “We don’t need no sissy stealth!” ^.^ Lmao!
Soldier FTW!
madlep responded on 17 Jul 2008 at 5:22 pm #
@Coded One - If it isn’t written in Pyro Speak, I may have a Wordpress regex plugin handy that turns it into Pyro speak
Xeno responded on 17 Jul 2008 at 6:34 pm #
Welcome to team fortress 2?
=o
Xeno responded on 17 Jul 2008 at 6:35 pm #
Oh, someone did post that. Oops.
I like this one the best.
“Rockets, rockets, never cold!
Hit their marks and then explode!”
Keep them coming.
RJ-Pilot responded on 17 Jul 2008 at 11:23 pm #
Maggots!
Coded One responded on 18 Jul 2008 at 1:57 am #
Madlep, if you do that… make sure that it comes on EVERY post.
NEVER AGAIN will I have to read ubercharged in english. Now I can finally read it in my NATIVE TONGUE!
General Balls responded on 18 Jul 2008 at 7:16 am #
I’m quite happy there’s no “Welcome to TF2″ end-line.
I always thought it sounded a bit silly, and it gets worse with the repetition.
Ryebread responded on 18 Jul 2008 at 10:23 am #
D’aaw, right after I asked Madlep to put the welcome back in
Although you are right Balls, that does sound a bit silly. I was a bit conflicted over it since it rhymed so nicely, but I’m going to remove them now myself. Thanks for the feedback!
J3553 responded on 19 Jul 2008 at 8:29 am #
“I also pull rockets out of my butt to reload. What do you maggots have? POCKETS? HA!”
Plus, you didn’t cover the fact he has four rockets in his rocket launcher, but launches them one at a time.
LaZodiac responded on 19 Jul 2008 at 3:46 pm #
Launching 4 rockets at a time would be an inefficent use of your precious precious resources.
Coded One responded on 19 Jul 2008 at 4:54 pm #
Hmmm… launching all 4 rockets at once… I just got an AMAZING idea for the soldiers alt weapons…
…Of course it would have 0% chance of critting, alt-fire fires all remaining rockets…
DAMMIT VALVE! No one CARES about The Heavy… at least I don’t, and that’s ALL THAT MATTERS!
And the worst thing is, is that soldier is 6th on Madleps MPC…
Blob responded on 19 Jul 2008 at 9:01 pm #
Thanks for RUINING a perfectly good TF2 blog with this NERD-nonsense! Fan-fic BLOWZ. This one especially ruined the soldier character. He doesn’t speak/sound/think anything like this RUBBISH
Coded One responded on 20 Jul 2008 at 2:45 am #
Wow… someone had a bad day. If you don’t like it don’t read it. It’s not like it’s replacing the other posts.
Or maybe it’s sarcasm… Or an obvious troll…
Remember, the internet is serious business.
http://internetisseriousbusiness.com/
Coded One responded on 20 Jul 2008 at 3:29 am #
Honestly, these posts aren’t replacing the normal blog posts. If you don’t like them, don’t read them.
Blob responded on 20 Jul 2008 at 4:31 am #
Never said they were replacing anything. They don’t belong here in the first place. In fact, this crap doesn’t belong anywhere.
It hurts to read it.
Coded One responded on 20 Jul 2008 at 4:36 am #
Then, once again, don’t read them.
Blob responded on 20 Jul 2008 at 5:20 am #
You can rest assured that I won’t. Saying ‘don’t read it’ doesn’t stop me from critisizing it. If something is clearly crap, then someone needs to say it, especially for this.
madlep responded on 20 Jul 2008 at 8:37 am #
@Blob - If you don’t like it, you’re always free to contribute something yourself as well.
Other than that - don’t read it.
Blob responded on 20 Jul 2008 at 8:52 am #
‘Don’t read it’….that’s just the thing; I AM reading it! It’s there! And it’s terrible! Somebody has to say so, and I did.
Coded One responded on 20 Jul 2008 at 9:13 am #
Obvious fail troll is obvious.
atomicthumbs responded on 20 Jul 2008 at 3:35 pm #
Allow myself to input pertaining to excellence of this post: yes!
Ryebread responded on 21 Jul 2008 at 12:29 am #
Dear Blob,
I find all feedback valuable, and while I appreciate your opinion, it would be preferable if you could provide reasons for said opinions to back them up.
For example, one of your earlier points was that my portrayal of the Soldier was not accurate. Could you draw comparisons between this and the Soldier as he is within his “Meet the” video and the game itself? I understand that he may appear more subdued here, but I felt this necessary for a smoother narrative. Likewise, if you feel my writing terrible (and are compelled to read previous or future examples of it), might you be able to isolate a specific element that you find unsatisfactory or will words be insufficient at clarifying your distaste?
Also, allow me a few comments on your own writing. I understand that you have strong feelings and you wish to emphasize this, but capitalizing words repeatedly causes the sentence to sound unnatural, or more akin to the dialogue of a Valley girl. Secondly, your usage of ‘z’ in ‘blowz’. I see this was intended to be a brief satire of “hip” dialogue, but placing this within a heated diatribe against my post conceals its satirical nature, deflecting the focus from others who genuinely use ‘z’ instead of ’s’ to appear hip to the post (or poster) himself, perhaps even insinuating that you yourself believe ‘z’ is a valid replacement for ’s’.
Ah, and “Absoloutely” should be “absolutely”. Impatience is the bane of us all, so let us halt ourselves from posting hastily in favor of crafting better-represented and more lucid opinions.
Thank you, and may your back be less prone to backstabs.
Regards,
Ryebread
Ryebread responded on 21 Jul 2008 at 12:31 am #
Also, thank you Atomicthumbs! Though I cannot please everyone (such is life, neh?) it is always satisfying to be the source of someone else’s enjoyment.
supremesonic responded on 21 Jul 2008 at 1:26 am #
This comment thread is seriously odd.
Also I have to say that, while these sort of things aren’t exactly to my tastes, they ARE well written. So go you.
Blob responded on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:30 am #
Another essay.
”might you be able to isolate a specific element that you find unsatisfactory or will words be insufficient at clarifying your distaste?”
This might be the most convoluted and boring sentence ever written. Its dullness hit me square on and nearly knocked me out of my chair. Keep writing those unnecessarily long and wordy sentences if it makes you feel like you’re a more intelligent person.
I see you’ve criticized my spelling/grammar. YAWN.
Z is totally a valid replacement for S. Awezome!
‘A smoother narrative’. The IS no narrative.
‘Rockets, rockets, never cold’ ……My cringe registered on the Richter scale at that one. I guess not that many things rhyme with ‘Bold’ so you just puked this up.
Coded One responded on 21 Jul 2008 at 3:47 am #
Blob, just shut up. We don’t care. We like it, and he’s going to keep making them. DON’T FREAKING READ THEM.
Just keep pumping them out Ryebread, they really are very good, even if they don’t fit in with the rest of the blog. They stand up on their own right.
Blob responded on 21 Jul 2008 at 8:49 am #
Well alright then. If you like it, then I won’t argue with that.
To each his own. Sometimes I just get riled up over things. It is well written stuff, and all I can do really is apologize.
Keep going with it! And happy writing.
Goodbye,
Blob
Tim responded on 22 Jul 2008 at 12:12 pm #
Speak properly, and in as few words as you can, but always plainly; for the end of speech is not ostentation, but to be understood. - William Penn
General Balls responded on 22 Jul 2008 at 7:37 pm #
Blob, your outburst is over-the-top (ruining the entire Soldier character, indeed), childish, and completely pointless. If you really want to see something improve, you’ll have to pop out something more meaty than this “Fan-fic BLOWZ” rubbish currently dribbling out of your narcisstic hole.
It’s easy to say something’s crap, that’s why a lot of people do it. Backing yourself up is harder, but unfortunately that’s the only way people will take you seriously.
I swear, if I start seeing anyone else substituting ‘z’ for ’s’ too often, I’m going to punch them.
That said, I agree with Blob on one thing. Ryebread, the first paragraph of that novel you posted in response to him absolutely *reeks* of “Imma-use-big-words-an’-confuse-’em-annah-win”. It makes sense, but if you want to make a hard point you’re better off getting straight to it, and there’ll be more bang for your buck as a result. Convoluting your sentences like that only results in most readers losing interest and clicking that awfully pretty red button in the top-right corner.
Blob responded on 23 Jul 2008 at 2:12 am #
General Balls,
I agree that my outburst was pretty ridiculous. It seems like you’re looking for a more concise argument from me.
The following argument is aimed at fan-fic itself, not ryebread’s work on this site. The main problem with fan-fiction for me is, it just isn’t original. There’s no creativity and no originality.
‘I’m going to write something today, but I couldn’t be bothered to think up my own characters or plots! I know, I’ll just steal from this fantasy universe/movie/game/anime!!’
The fan-fiction writer has not created the characters being written about. Therefore, any situations or portrayals of the character will always seem awkward or wrong.
Another problem I have, and this might be hard to explain, is that fan fiction is very very… nerdy. Isn’t it enough to simply play a game and enjoy it? It seems a bit obsessive to take it so far to me.
That’s about all I can think of right now.
Ryebread responded on 23 Jul 2008 at 6:55 am #
Point noted. I’m afraid I have a tendency to waffle on at times without meaning to, especially when I’m trying to keep my temper in check. Ad hominem arguments irritate me greatly.
First off, if I were to use a character/show/idea that was thought up by someone else, would that mean that the result of it would be completely devoid of creativity? If so, how do you feel about comics today?
Spider-man is the creation of Stan Lee however, not all Spider-man comics have been scripted by Stan. What is the difference between someone writing about Spider-man on his own, and Marvel comics hiring a writer? Is it the salary, or an official contract? Money does not always equal quality, as Hollywood has often showed us time and time again.
Secondly, I admit that I have certain obsessive tendencies. However, if I enjoy looking at flowers, can I not try to draw one? If I am struck by awe from a book’s description of a mighty hero, is it ‘nerdy’ if I wanted to recreate it visually? I enjoy playing TF2 and I enjoy the personalities of TF2’s classes. Thus, I wrote these to explore my perspective of them, not to portray them as officially one way or the other.
In fact, isn’t this whole blog ‘nerdy’ anyway? Though most of the other posts aren’t stories, they are still about the game itself.
I understand that the image of fan-fiction isn’t exactly pretty. I’ve read a few horrible ones myself. But just because some, many or most examples of fan-fiction are bad doesn’t mean that *all* of it is bad. It’s the same as saying all fantasy novels are drivel or that all science fiction movies are boring. Judge an article/movie/book on its own, not as being automatically good or bad because of a particular affiliation.