ubercharged.net

Chances are that you probably haven’t heard about the latest fiasco involving the Team Fortress 2 crew and their run in with the Department of Homeland Security. I would have expected it to be very big news. However due to the sensitive nature of it, it’s been hushed quickly up by the government.

What happened is that Valve booked the TF2 guys for a whirlwind world promotional tour. The usual junket: They travel around to different cities, sign autographs, do media interviews, radio appearances, you know the kind of thing. They’ve done this a few times already domestically, and Valve (wisely) packed them onto a private tour bus to avoid “complications” with local authorities as their made their travels.

For international though, it’s not quite that simple. They did have a Valve chaperon, and the people organizing the trip at least made sure they weren’t packing live weapons while they went through security - but lets face it, these guys aren’t exactly nuanced in the modern security expectations with modern air travel. They’ve had a pretty sheltered existence so far, and something was bound to give.

And that something happened to be a bunch of paranoid security staff at the airport. Thanks to the war on terror, a bunch of well meaning, cartoon shaded, ultra-violent video game characters can’t travel with dignity and respect. Basically they all got hauled over by airport security under heavy suspicion, searched, interrogated, beaten, and ultimately all got shipped off to Guantanamo Bay for a while. Apparently Gabe Newell had to call George Bush personally to get them off the hook (he had some compromising pictures of him or something for some reason).

The government tried to brush this under the carpet, and Valve wasn’t too keen on talking about it either. So ubercharged.net being the bastion of trust, honesty, and BS that we are, made an official request under the freedom of information act, and now reveal the documents detailing what went on.

Department Of Homeland Security

Airline Transport Security Incident Report
Summary: Group of 9 travelers acting suspiciously. Detained and interrogated. Individual summaries attached.

Scout

• Refusal to disable personal audio devices while seatbelt signs were active during take off and landing.
• Suspected meth-amphetamine use. Hyperactive demeanor. Rapid, often offensive speech. Difficulty to remain still. Blatantly disobeyed “walk, don’t run” signs.
• Inspection of carry on luggage revealed scout to be in possession of a number of classified documents.

Soldier

• This individual wasn’t acting in a suspicious way - in fact we were pleased to see he expressed interest in fighting anyone the US has ever been at war with - Terrorists; Communists; Nazis; Redcoats etc. However inline with DHS policy directive 6721, the soldier is considered Guilty By Association due to his travelling companions.
• Appeared to have grenade shaped objects on his person, although these were physically attached his clothing and could not be detached. They just appeared to be for show.

Pyro

• Refused to remove headgear for purposes of passport identification. In fact, we’re not even sure who this individual actually is, what nationality they are, or even what gender they are.
• When asked if checked or carry on luggage contained any aerosols or flammable materials, simple gave suspicious muffled laugh and refused to answer coherently.
• Caused smoke alarms in airplane toilets to be activated in flight resulting in oxygen masks needing to be deployed, and emergency descent to be carried out. During emergency descent refused to return to seat, and was observed to run up and down the main cabin manically laughing and using a broken dinner tray as a makeshift axe.

Demoman

• Exceeded allowed duty-free alcohol spirits limit by approximately 3 gallons.
• Appeared to be intoxicated, and was abusive to security personnel.
• Chemical bomb scan found traces of explosives residue on luggage, clothing, and teeth.
• Offensive thrusting gestures made toward cabin crew and other passengers.

Heavy Weapons Guy

• Did not declare food items: uneaten sandwich, and rasher of bacon.
• When asked reason for travel, shouted “WE MAKE GOOD TEAM!”. No other reason given.
• Refused to purchase extra seat during check in, as per airline policy when flying obese travellers.
• Cried when separated from medic for individual questioning.

Engineer

• In possession of plans for several classified military defense systems in carry on luggage.
• Inspection of checked luggage revealed a number of kitset military defense systems in direct violation of export regulations.
• Attempted to “upgrade” drinks cart while in flight resulting in Jim Beam and Coke being auto-fired when cabin crew tried to approach it.

Medic

• Illicit narcotics identified on scan of carry on luggage. Further inspection revealed large number of hypodermic needles.
• Practicing medicine in boarding queue without valid license.
• Did not declare to quarantine that he had been in a farm area recently.
• Acting in an anti-social manner most of the time while under observation in the airport baggage check area, and later in the security quarantine area. When questioned about this, stated that “I am griinding zee acheevementz. I vant zee uubersaaw!”

Spy

• Could not identify this individual. Was traveling with multiple false passports and aliases.
• Suspected involvement in a number of recent assassinations and sabotage attempts.
• Tried repeatedly to impersonate DHS security agents. Would strangely walk tight up against a wall when real agents approached.
• Somehow managed to disable the candy vending machine in the DHS staff room.

Sniper

• Claimed to be travelling on an “Australian” passport - which is a country none of the DHS agents here had ever heard off. We don’t even think it exists. At any rate ,”Australia” sounds foreign and distant, so we suspect it has something to do with state sponsored terrorist activity in that part of the world - wherever that is.
• Called the DHS supervisor a “wanker”.

I’m just glad none of the TF2 guys were dumb enough to wear a Transformers T-shirt through security.

(Cheers to TF2 Wiki for the images)