Team Fortress 2 takes place in the sixties. Everyone knows this. But RED and BLU aren’t new creations. They didn’t come about around that time. No, the Team Fortress 2 that we know is only a single chapter in a war that has spanned centuries. It spanned back… to medieval times…

Some of the tools of war from those times long since passed survive in the current incarnation of this never ending war. And using these tools, we here at ubercharged.net labs have recreated the war as it was hundreds of years ago. We have recreated…

MEDIEVAL FORTRESS 2

Medieval Fortress 2 is an update of a classic mod found on ubercharged.net Server 1. This update is a complete rework of the plugin, and includes TARGELANDER DEMOS and EQUALIZER SOLDIERS.

“But DPErny, what IS Medieval Fortress 2? I’ve never heard of it.”

Medieval Fortress 2 is what it says on the cover: it’s a Sourcemod plugin that creates a Medieval theme in Team Fortress 2.

THE STORY
Europe was a bloody, gory place since the fall of the Roman empire. For centuries, feudal states grabbed for whatever partition of the former empire that they could. Rulers, sometimes fair, sometimes tyrants, came and went. Then, word of a new king spread. A powerful, wise ruler known as King Manne was fighting to unite the world under his rule. He succeeded in uniting most of Europe, and then ceased his conquest to manage the empire he had accrued. During this rule, there was a time of great peace and many hats.

But then, King Manne fell ill. He no longer had the strength to run his kingdom. He left the day to day running of the Kingdom to his most trusted aide, Saxtonnious Hale. But Saxtonnious could not run it either, not without the guidance and wisdom of King Manne. The land began to fall apart.

Now, King Manne had two handsome, dashing sons. Blutonious and Lord Redwall, as they were called, were fiercely competitive. Each was always trying to outdo the other. When their father fell ill, Blutonious and Redwall each felt that they were entitled to the throne. One can only imagine their anger when Saxtonious was put into power. But Blutonious and Lord Redwall were not stupid. They watched as their father’s kingdom fell to ruin. Blutonious fled to the lands in the east, and Redwall went west. Each began amassing an army of supporters from their father’s former force.

Then, one day, the conflict finally erupted. Blutonious and Redwall each declared their land a sovereign state, named Blubaria and Redland respectively. Great battles were fought in the name of these two powers, and the very planet shook under the conflict.

THE CLASSES

The Archer

Ye Olde Kindom of Manne spared no expense when selecting its Archers. The most talented marksmen in the land were much prized during the great fissure; Redwall and Blutnoius each scrambled to win the favor of the kingdom’s Archers, knowing how important they’d be in the later battles. The Archers were often taught the then fledgling art of Jarate, a method of defence conceived by those strange peoples of the Far East. While most fierce with a bow in hand, Archers are a formidable warrior with a blade as well.

The Knight

No medieval war would be complete without knights, but these were far from chivalrous. These fierce warriors from the land of the Scotts were a force to be reckoned with. Hardened in battle and wielding cursed swords of unimaginable power, the Knights make up the backbone of any assault. They had been known to charge at their foes with reckless abandon, shouting a bloodcurdling battle cry. These fearsome Scottsmen are widely known for their lethal decapitations.

The Berserker

Tales were told of fearsome warriors from the Scandinavian regions that were but ordinary miners in times of peace. When times of war dawn, however, they were far from peaceful. These men revel in pain, and fight to the death without retreat. Travelers from the northern regions say that these Berserkers fight more fiercely as they sustain wounds, and that the most heavily wounded often take down foes with one swing of their mighty pickaxe. Berserkers occasionally carry in to battle a horn of war, which they blow to rally their fellows into the same frenzy.

The Bear

These strange men from cold regions to the east were as strong as they were stupid. Discovered by the Mannish traders, these hulking brutes knew no weapons. They fought with their bare hands alone, crushing their foes with but a swing of a mighty fist. The harsh landscape of Siberia trained them to withstand punishment far beyond that of a normal warrior. They also brought with them from their native lands a culinary dish with amazing medicinal properties. This meal of bread, meat, and vegtables serves to heal the brutes should they sustain damage. They have also been known to lend it to ailing comrades in times of great need.

The field of battle

Currently, the known battles of Medieval Fortress were fought at the castle Redfort. This tall structure, on the border between Redland and Blubaria, was held fiercely by the Redlandians. The Blubarians, attacking from a cave just outside of the castle, stormmed the gates and fought their way through the castle.

The Real Story

Medieval Fortress came about of the first time during the summer of 2009. After a rousing game of shenanigans, I decided that it was time to learn Sourcemod, and bringing Medieval Fortress to the non-administrated masses would be an excellent project. I began working on Medieval Fortress immediately.

I started my adventures in Sourcemod by reading the AlliedModder’s Wiki, and by reading Sirot’s Zombie Fortress plugin. These two sources helped me tremendously, and before long I was making headway on Medieval Fortress. Despite numerous bugs, glitches, and setbacks, I managed to choke out a working version of the plugin I intended. The final product was terribly unorganised, completely unoptimized, and it barely passed AlliedModders aproval, but it worked. About a month after the original Medieval Fortress had been put on, the new plugin was on Server 1.

Medieval Fortress was an instant success. It was played often, and for a while it was hard to get into a game that was hosting Medieval Fortress. Most of the server population loved it. Soon, however, after the fun had worn off, Medieval Fortress was taken off rotation and forgotten.

Fast forward to December of 2009, and the Demo vs Soldier update. As soon as the public caught glimpse of the Eyelander, the forums were alight with people asking for Medieval Fortress to get an update. People who had never heard of my plugin were demanding it. Several threads cropped up on the Steam Forums asking for someone to make a medieval game mode. Interest in the subject soared. I stepped back and analyzed the situation; people demanded it, I would provide. Before the update had even been released, I began work on Medieval Fortress 2.

This time around, I was more experienced in Sourcemod, and I could recognise the disaster that was my first plugin. Considering this, I decided that Medieval Fortress 2 would be a complete recode. I rebuilt my entire plugin from the ground up, starting with nothing but a blank notepad screen. When a problem arose, I asked for help. Before the end of December, Medieval Fortress 2 was ready for release. It was put up on Server 1, and playtesting helped me to iron out the one major bug in the programming.

And, now, two months after the completion of Medieval Fortress, I am ready to release it to the public at large. The source code, the program, everything that a server operator needs to host Medieval Fortress is available right now. What’s more, so long as even 1 server operator hosts Medieval Fortress, I will continue to keep it up-to-date and ready for more challenges. As time goes by, I will release more features, and the bare-bones plugin you see today will be a far more in depth game mode.

The Technical Details

Today’s Medieval Fortress allows for four classes, as previously stated. The Knight is a Demoman. He is allowed only the Eyelander, the Bottle, and the Targe. The Archer is Medieval Fortress’ default class. Anyone trying to switch to an unallowed class will be redirected to this tweak on the Sniper. He is allowed only the Huntsman, Jarate, the Razorback (which, although useless now, I plan on adding features for later), and his Kukri. The Berserker is simply a the Soldier with all non-melee weapons stripped, excluding the Buff Banner. The Bear is the same with a Heavy; all non-melee weapons are stripped excepting the Sandvich.

To set up map to automatically play Medieval Fortress, simply erase the map’s existing prefix and affix “mf_” to the beginning. For example, on UC server 1, we use Redfort under the name “mf_redfort_b3″. Alternatively, Medieval Fortress can be enabled on any map by typing “sm_mf_enable” into the console (changemap admin flags required). While Medieval Fortress will automatically disable itself at the end of a map, it can be turned off manually by typing “sm_mf_disable” into the console (also requires changemap).

Download

Source code: Medieval Fortress 2

Plugin: MF2

Credits

I have to give credit to tons of people for this, because it really isn’t original. First off, credit goes to Phoenix, the ubercharged.net editor, for the original Medieval Fortress. He got the ball rolling. Next, credit to mrmof for making the map we play on. More credit goes to everyone on the ubercharged.net forum for making this work.

Probably the first thing you think of when you hear “The War Update” is a legion of flailing Highlanders touring around for your head. Many uprisings popped up with angry plebeians proclaiming that the Demoman should be demolishing things rather than cutting up his fellow man. The truth is that the Demoman was already just fine at demolishing, just like the Soldier was doing his job properly. More power for the demolishing demoman would’ve led to mass engineers on strike, and more ammo for the homely trap-setter would’ve been too boring. The solution was something entirely unheard of; turning the class into something entirely unrelated to its premise. Valve could’ve elected either the Soldier or the Demoman as the embodiment of this new tenth class, and I suspect they went with the Demoman because claymores.

However, just like with the Razorback, traditionally thinking (yes, thinking) demomen have been given a new toy to play with: the Scottish Resistance. Although the Resistance doesn’t contain catastrophic amounts of boring like the Razorback, it’s still not as potent as it could be. The main problem is that Resistin’ Demos just end up feeling less efficient than if they were using the regular Sticky Launcher and paying taxes like good citizens. That’s why I’m taking the time to describe, in detail, six things the Scottish Resistance is better at than the Winbomb Launcher.

Trap-Spotting

“Stop sitting around and do something!” – Berrito Mussolini

This is the capital (and most boring) purpose the Resistance has been advertised for. You put bombs around multiple doorways, pick a corner and wait. Wait until an unfortunate sod comes in, at which point you twitch in his direction and detonate all over him. More controlled twitchers (likely ex-CSS players) will rig a door on both sides, always keeping one set of stickies at hand in case a second poofter shows up. The big dilemma here is that you can’t place yourself too inclined with the doorway, or selective detonation becomes impossible (the crosshair isn’t adjusted to the cone of detonation); stand too much in front and your prey will see you before coming through. You could make use of this, though. Trick the enemy into taking an alternate route that has also been rigged, then feel bad as he denotes your trickery as ’spam’.

One thing I like to do to mess with people is to set up a trap, then throw a bunch of stickies at the enemy. Ever since the game’s initial release in 2007, players have been taught that one detonated sticky means a completely defenseless demoman. Sure, the Resistance stickies are visually distinct, but no sod is going to suspect you of planning ahead of time until it’s too late.

Another fun anecdote: on our UK-based server, Laharl concealed all fourteen stickies behind the intelligence in ctf_sawmill. I thought he was doin’ it wrong until I saw him blow up the medic+targelander combo that was running amok.

Carpet Weaving

“A fancy carpet for me to shit on.” – Diogenes

I believe this is where the true potential of the weapon lies. Dot a corridor with any number of stickies between eight and fourteen, and the enemy isn’t going to advance. Your entire creation won’t be ruined anymore by a single scout’s (no longer as spectacular) acrobatics, as you can choose to devote only part of your stickies to his combustion. After putting your carpet in place, you can proceed to spam the enemy team like you usually would. So you see, you’ll have not one, not two, but two and a half primary weapons. You’re like a bagpiper with three hands!

Just make sure you NEVER stand on your carpet. While it should sound awesome to fend off attackers from atop your own handiwork, Valve implemented a ‘buff’ to detonate stickies directly under you, supposedly for sticky jumping. Why do that when you have your own base to rig? To make matters worse, the detonation range is shorter than the distance one would use for horizontal jumping. Initially, the stickies’ whole prime time was ignored for point blank stickies. This led to:

Sticky-Punching

“A scout in your face is better than a spy in your back.” – Oscar Wilde

The non-existent prime time allowed you to detonate stickies before they were even properly fired, turning the Resistance into some manner of twisted, self-mutilating Scattergun. The Scouts, Pyros and Spies would either burst in tears due to nostalgia or think nothing is off because they’re used to being exploded by things they can’t see. It was a blast punishing those cocky ne’er-do-wells for their hubris, even if it had me blow up too in the process. Particularly devestating is an ubered ’sploder; the enemy would think nothing dangerous of a Demoman running idly into a bunch of enemies, allowing me to project eight point blank blasts into their face. It was like being a suicide bomber who can’t die. The kritzkrieg, however, is an entirely different story.

One other quirk of sticky-punching was sticky-punch-jumping. Aiming downward while jumping projected you perfectly forward (not useful on Orange X) with the power of three stickies and the damage of only two. Trying to aim your jumps apart from this method is More often than not, you’ll end up ramming yourself into the ground, dying from fall damage. So it really was nothing like this.

Alas, the prime time has been re-added in a recent patch, making sticky jumping with the Resistance even more clunky. Complete removal of the tweak will likely make the following tactic more viable:

Suicide Bombing

“I invade your country in the name of liberty!” – George W. Bush

Here’s what you do. Go to an enemy control point and get your stickies all over it.  As you’re capping, the enemy will likely send flimsy scouts and pyros your way, followed by seasoned but slower soldiers and heavies. Before, all you could do was try and dispatch the scout with scrumpy or blow up the both of you in the name of honour and scout-killing. With the Resistance, you can ensure his destruction while you continue towards capture. Especially effective on A/D maps; the stickies’ longer prime time won’t matter because by the time the enemy gets to you, their point will have been impurified. You can also try confounding attackers on the final point of cp_badlands (you know, when you jump up and get stuck somewhere in the silo).

Use this tactic and you’re almost certain to capture the final point. Well, if Valve changes the weapon. Until then, the Resistance is still most efficient at…

Spawncamping

“The classes must be evened out at regular intervals.” – Leon Trotski

Okay, you may not want to hear it and you probably already know, but on unmoderated servers, the Scottish Resistance can effectively lock down a team. The main drawback of spawncamping with the regular Sticky Launcher is that your entire collection of stickies is wasted with each smelly unfortunate killed. With the resistance, you can add layers of spam in front of the spawn door, or if that’s not subtle enough, try rigging all four sides of the door! You’ll have plenty of time to patch up after each detonation. Like with Trap-Spotting, many fools will think the coast is clear when the first of your victims blows up.

In case you don’t like 32-man instant respawn 2fort/cp_orange_william, you can try doing this at the BLU exits in Gravelpit. Not even UC2’s admins will slay you (I think).

Distinguished Destruction

(hain)

“A Targelander is to a Resistance user what a Hoplite is to a Belgian falling out of a tree.” – Gaius Julius Ceasar

Okay, I admit it. The Resistance feels like a nerfed sticky launcher. But because of that, it’s so much more immersing and fun! Plus, the kill icon is stylish, and says “I have just outwitted you in a way not typical of your preconceptions of a demoman!” Eventually I switched back to the Sticky Launcher because the point blank detonations were annoying me, and when I did, it made the Demoman seem such a boring class. Even though I could do this again, the gratification was lost. This happens when you try doing things the easy way, rather than the sexy way.

Remember when the weapon was first revealed? The CQC kit had stepped on many a demoman’s toes. Now a particularly awesome weapon was revealed, and already the Poor and Irish couldn’t bear with the thought of having to deal with fourteen stickies. When the update hit us, the Targelanders rose to power en masse and the Resistance was dismissed as awkward and disappointing just because it can’t be spammed with as easily. In my days of Resisting, I made many cretins call me a ’spammer’ regardless. I used to entrench myself in the enemy’s vents on ctf_turbine and blow up a team’s worth of players, much to the amusement of my vent-mates. For this alone do I find it worthwhile to use the Scottish Resistance.

I ain’t gonna lie. A semi-pro game of Team fortress 2 where the 2 teams are even and working together fighting tooth and nail for every objective on the map, brings some of the best moments of gaming for me.

Sadly, many times these moments doesn’t last the whole round and sudden events causes one team to steamroll the other. It could be that one absurdly good player who just joined the game that caused it or maybe some of your teammates leaved and suddenly you’re outnumbered.
But no, the most common occurrence ain’t these.  Too  many times, all i have to to do is press TAB to see the most common reason why; around >30% of our team are/or just picked snipers and/or spies.

Who knows why they’ve chosen them to begin with. Maybe it’s to counter that one player who dominates half of our team (in general there really is an unhealthy amount of  obsession about counters in a game focused on teamwork), maybe it’s cause they are the only classes the players feel they are achieving something with, maybe they had good intentions and was trying to do something to help our team or maybe they saw a top player doing great with that class and thought they would achieve more by playing the same class .

These kind of snipers and spies are usually average players, probably nailing a few good kills of important targets, but otherwise nothing special. However, they all have one thing in common; they suck at class selection!

They are what I like to call weenies.

Snipers and spies are what it says on the selection screen, support classes. They can’t fight well at all directly, though are wonderful at picking off key targets. But once your team is full of these guys, things can and will go downhill from there unless 1; there is a significant skill difference between the teams (in your favor) or 2; they have around the same number of spies and snipers as well.

What makes these classes so attractive is pretty much their one-hit kill wonders, but many players fail to see that they are quite weaksauce compared to other classes once you strip them off these tools.

Does the snipers and spies on our team play quite well? Most certainly yes. Does that really justify that these players are actually half of our team? Not at all!

They have mediocre health, low to medium firepower on their alternative weapons and are mostly a minimal threat once engaged. Their only answer once that happens pretty much boils down to running away. They need distractions and those who provide those distractions are the sturdier classes fighting the other team directly (or can) AKA all the other classes (engineer is a minor exception though, we’ll go back to him later). The problem is when there are too few sturdy players fighting directly, the other team will have little problem mopping them up and continue on.
This doesn’t help snipers and spies in any way. Snipers have less time to shoot before getting engaged themselves and less time distracted means more time being aware of sneak attacks, making it harder for spies to be efficent.

I’m gonna repeat all this with an example. Ever heard about the law of inverse ninjutsu?
It basically says that the fewer ninjas there are, the more lethal they become.

Now I know this is pretty much what happens in fiction, but there is some truth to it. I mean, you don’t ever hear (or read) about an army of exceptional ninjas that have taken on an army full of heavily armed samurai now do you?

Like ninjas, spies and snipers are assassins. Their preferable method is to kill an target as quickly as possible without really engaging it at all, just their method of doing it is different. Once the sniper and spies themselves are engaged however, they have pretty much lost the fight.
This will be a problem once the main line of sturdy classes is gone and it would require a tremendous effort from the remaining spies and snipers to even halt the advance of the opposing team.

I guess we all have been a weenie at some time (even me) or still are. But please, if there is something your team usually doesn’t need, it’s more snipers and spies. They are niche classes great at turning a game around when played right, but it’s not someone that can be massed.

So if you decide to roll sniper or spy, you damn sure better know what you are doing!

Dishonourable mention: Engineers

The reason engineers are just given a mention is cause these kinds of weenies aren’t even nearly as common as the other 2. Reason may be that they don’t have a tool that can one-hit kill or that they may take more skill to play well with and make a difference, unless they turtle up. They are also not as helpless as snipers and spies since they have the generally more efficent shotgun, as well as having the sentry to help them in a fight if it’s availible. Still, engineers are usually not the kind of guy a team needs plenty of either.

I wouldn’t qualify engineers as weenies on defence. Sure, having 4 or 5 of them on a defending team ain’t exactly the healthiest way of defending, but as long they don’t build everything in one big farm as well as doing something else other than wacking stuff  it’s kinda fine (though there are beter methods for defence).

To many engineers on the attacking team however, not so good.

Engineers on an attacking team usually do 2 things; they either play pod (creating a forward base) or play offensive and try to sneak in to cause havoc (flanking them or ambushing their supply lines).
Neither should there be too many of. Offensive engineers are pretty much in the same position as spies in that they need distractions. Although 2 or 3 can get a sentry up faster than one can, having too many of them yields predictable results. One engineer playing pod is usually plenty as well.

What about the scouts?

I wouldn’t call scouts a weenie. Unlike the other 3 they can dart in and out of the action, constantly harrassing the enemy team. They are far from helpless in a direct fight and are only a problem for their own team when there aren’t any sturdier classes on it.

Scout assault and “Sentry hill” doesn’t mix well.

On the other hand, scout rushes can be pretty brutal.

Thank you for your time.

Credit to Tygris for the g-mod pictures.

Pandapoops, the soldier who created “Pway a Weal Cwass,” is back with another video. While PaWC was about general soldier strategy, PaWC 2 (or–better, 2PaWC) focuses almost entirely on the new weapons and how you can use them. Definitely worth a watch, if only for the eye-popping airshots–though the instructional material’s quite interesting too

Watch in HD and fullscreen for the best experience, if, of course, your ‘nets can handle it.

And the Ronald Jenkees soundtrack is pretty sweet too.

So, I heard you guys like avatars. And judging by the success of Tesla’s and Tygrys’ two avatar collections, I presume it to be correct. So, I went and set out on a long a tedious task to find T&T Industries, break into it, and steal the latest avatar designs the two made. I was ready to do this, risk everything in order to get (more) fame and popularity, and as such, I made haste to finish this quest…

I failed. Miserably.

Finding T&T Industries wasn’t too hard, and with the Cloak Camp and Dagger, breaking in was the easy, though long and tiresome part. Getting out, now that was painful. You try stealing something and getting outside when there seems to be a fancy, hat wearing guard around every corner, all of which armed and loud, calling other guards to my position. It’s like playing Metal Gear Solid without hiding or shooting any guards. Oh, and then you have the ones with the Rocket Launchers. Urgh. In the end, I decided to value my life more than their ideas, dropped all the briefcases I had and used the Coward and Dagger to make my slow way out of the place. I still have nightmares of the place though…

So, here I was, no ideas stolen, and moving so slow I might as well be a snail, and to top it all off, everyone around me was wearing a hat. And that is when I had this wonderful idea: avatars for the hatless. And I’m not talking about hatless hats because, despite what I said before, the Hatless Engie reminds me of Cortez from Timesplitters, which is always a plus in my books. So, I gathered a couple of hatless people and told them that they sucked because they had no hats, and took a picture of their reaction. Some burst into tears, some burst into angry. One chap almost sent me to the great Capture Point in the sky. A couple of them complained that their Halo/Gibus/Halloween Mask was a hat, and I just shook my head and took the picture. Those with Bill’s Hat, however, simply kicked me “down under”, so I decided to avoid them until I saw them in Left 4 Dead 2, where I would proceed to shoot their groin. That would show them…

Anyway,  with no further delay, the No-Hat-Blues Avatar Pack. It’s not stealing, it’s copying the style of something else, which I have totally gotten away with before. Go enjoy it.

Hey you? Yes you, the fella’ with the classy picture on your Steam/Forum/Other Account. What are you doing? Trying to hide your hatless shame behind a little picture? What is your problem? Are you, like, Sir Super Coward the Third of Cowardland? Be a real man and trap your sadness in these handy avatars of sad, hatless people, just like you!

Made by a hatless person, for hatless people, using the pain and torment of other hatless people, Mr. Shadow captures the grief of the news that these chaps officially suck in a beautiful and classic photographs which I would hang on my wall, had it not been for the fact my walls were already covered with his other masterpieces. The best thing is that there are two versions of these soon-to-be-so-iconic-you’ll-grandchildren-will-know-about-them pictures; one zoomed out, and one zoomed in, so you can decide between seeing the poor saps’ body language or facial expressions. How would you not want one of these to represent you?

And even if you do have hats, you can still have one of these pictures to remind yourself and take joy in the fact that, somewhere, there is someone crying over the fact they have nothing on their heads. So what are you waiting for, a bus? Just right click these amazing snapshots and select “Save Image As…”, and save them somewhere and under a name you can remember so next time you want to stun your foes with something their spend ages looking and remember for the rest of their lives, don’t go for the porn spray, just change your avatar to one of these and by the time they are done looking, you would have already left after winning so many rounds. Something Mr. Shadow wished he had a couple of days ago when he was trying to stealing from T&- err, I mean, he was stealing a capture point from the enemy. Yeah…

Signed: The Post Script Company Manager of Doing Stuff Mr. Shadow is too busy to do

Septa Viscous

Community Fortress has a pretty sweet video series going called eXtelevision (eXtv for short), where eXtine commentates pro-level competitive TF2 matches. If you’re interested in competitive TF2, it’s definitely worth a look for its excellent commentary (plus, the matches are pretty damn intense, if you ask me).

Case in point: an ESEA-Invite match this week. Muscle Milk and Moolians, the underdogs, squared off against Evil Geniuses in a brutal match on Badlands. Part 1 of 4 of the match is embedded below, and you can check out part two, part three, and part four on the CommunityFortress Youtube channel. This is definitely one to watch in HD and fullscreen. And nope, I’m not going to spoil it for you by saying who won

Best part: a new eXtv episode’s released every week. Keep ‘em coming, Community Fortress!

I must say, I’m impressed to see a lot of you displaying some elegance since the publishing of the Classy Classes Avatar Pack. Though from a few I’ve heard complaint; “Garbing yourself in style is all well and good, but it’s winter and I’m bloody freezing.” I’ll agree to a point, wrapping yourself up warm for the winter weather may well be practical, but I’ve always been one to stick to my convictions about looking good… and that’s when it hit me.

It hit me quite hard, on the back of the skull, and the doctors claimed there may have been a rock in it. But I assure you, concussion or no, I am not delusional; A man can dress well and keep warm! I had the nurses get me a phone so I could tell Tygrys right away, so we could begin work on our next project!

Sadly, by the time they let me out of the hospital, most of the snow had been washed away; so I had to visit Tygrys in his homeland of Poland, where the weather was just right to make some wintery avatars.

T&T Industries is pleased to announce the release of our second avatar pack, titled the “Winter Warmers Avatar Pack”.

This pack has been designed with practicality and style foremost in mind. Now you can keep yourselves warm for the cold weather, without dressing down. This pack was designed by the genius mind Sir Tygrys Murdock with help from the morphine-addled mind of Sir Tesla Tank.

Remember our motto – quality is of the utmost importance and we strive to satisfy all of our customers.

Signed: T&T Industries Chairman of marketing

Willbur McTrackingster

You can download the pack of 18 right here, special thanks to arma2.pl and the Crazy Hussars team for providing a permanent link. I’ll leave you with a piece of advice I got from my surgeon; better to stay indoors this winter and play Team Fortress 2 than to do yourself an injury throwing snow at people, and building imaginary ice friends. Have fun now.

In a lot of ways, Team Fortress – as well as every class-based shooter – is a lot like a Jazz concert. You have a limited amount of players, they are all largely different and every one of them gets a chance to shine. This in contrast to the classic Symphony Orchestra Beat-Em-Up, featuring lots of violins for gratification.

Upon closer examination, all of the TF2 classes can be compared to a specific instrument, especially so in competitive play. You might want to turn off any music you’re playing, as the following list contains a boatload of Youtube links.

- Medic -

The Drummer

The drummer is the backbone of any ensemble. He decides the rhythm, and if he makes a fatal move, the entire team collapses. A drum set takes some time to set up, and if you’re a mobile pubber, you could always replace him with a guitar player, but having a drummer increases your efficiency tenfold. The problem is that many novice drummers get a little in over their head and start going solo. Of course, experienced drummers know when this is called for and make it play out well if they have to.

The greatest characteristic the Drummer and the Medic have in common, however, is their one sidedness. A Drummer doesn’t have access to octaves and can’t be reprimanded for not following the tune, only the rhythm. A drummer once told me that was the reason she wanted to be one, and that’s also the reason I play Medic. After all, a Medic heals people regardless of distance, damage falloff, airshots and all that. He acts in a completely different spectrum from the rest of his team, and because of that, you can give any Drummer a sheet and tell him what to do while good ones are yet capable of taking initiatives and quick decisions themselves as to pull their team forward instead of being just necessary.

- Soldier -

The Trumpet

The Trumpet is the tried and true instrument throughout history. Trumpets have announced the advent of kings, honoured valued anthems and intimidated the French populace.The intricate way of producing sound from the trumpet is a hamper at first, as is learning to shoot in front of people and at their feet. But in the end, the Trumpet is the most balanced instrument, capable of carrying the melody with some adjustments or supporting the other players at key moments. Some people, however, aren’t very fond of its shrill, annoying sound.

All in all, the Trumpet has the most frag videos and is quite accessible due to its simple layout. Even more so if it’s a trombone. And with the addition of the Buff Banner, I can say that I totally called it. What other instrument carries the team without leaving the spotlight?

(also, place a mat or something for performers to stand on or they’ll get dribble all over your stage.)

- Scout -

The Saxophone

At first, I was going to attribute the Saxophone to the Soldier and the Trumpet to the Scout. Probably because, being a career medic, I hate their guts and I feel delighted each time I see one of them killed (no offense to trumpet players). But that which makes the Scout actually unique is not his speed or role, it’s that he’s the only player left on the field whose main job is to shoot bullets at people (with the exception of the Heavy). And yet such a simple concept has an incredibly deep learning curve. The Saxophone is most like a flute compared to its brass buddies, including the way one blows into it. It’s also a great choice for completing the main objective (i.e. playing the melody and killing the enemy medic) and is preferred for its flexibility (move speed) and beautiful sound (damage output). It’s no wonder so many people have taken to it, leading to about three per server.

A drawback is that the Sax becomes less effective as more people play. Its sound is nice, but not as far-reaching as that of a trumpet. Just like a saxophone, a Scout needs space to maneuver in. They’re also a lot like violin players.

- Demoman -

The Keyboard

Ah, the keyboard. Capable of mimicking instruments through indirect, digital means, the Keyboard is a very versatile instrument/machine, and no more than one is ever used. Many people think playing it takes no skill because it has all the keys laid down conveniently and, as a result, devalues the performance of “real classes”, but it’s the only choice a Demoman has when he finds his team filled with snipers and spies.

Of course, through utilizing and experimenting with sounds that organic instruments can’t make, the keyboard holds potential of his own. On the other hand, he doesn’t get a whole lot of solos and when he does, it’s out of necessity. In public play, however, the Demoman is either a very classic defense class who lays traps that catch his victims by surprise, or the front line “sticky spamming” class mentioned above.

- Heavy -

The Singer

Now this one is awkward. You don’t see many singers in Jazz anymore, but when you do, no matter how bad or redundant he is, he’ll be the center of attention by both performers and audience. Everyone has to adapt to what he does, where he goes, and if they leave him behind, the singer will look like a dork because he was told we would be fighting Boatmen. The Singer has the least technical difficulty (everyone knows how to use their own voice), but succeeding requires more than that alone.

- And the rest -

As the most used utility class, the Sniper attacks sporadically and from a distance. The fruit of his efforts is rarely seen and he is, as such, the most thankless class. This makes him a lot like the Double Bass, which produces a very low, barely audible sound yet somehow smooths things up for the other players. You also know that when a competitive team shows up with a Sniper, they bloody well mean business.

Opposite to the Saxophonist stands the Clarinet player AKA Engineer, who thrives on large amounts of teammates. In low tier pub games, he’s the central point of defense (like so), but in Jazz, he exists mostly to give his team a boost. He’s never used in Linear 5CP blues, though. Also notable is that the Saxophone was invented as an improvement to the Clarinet, just as people like to think of the Engineer as a slow version of the Scout in direct combat.
(I say they’re wrong, but I digress.)

Let’s not forget the Spy, who can do magnificent things but appears to be such an anomaly amongst the rest of the crew. Like an accordion, a whole lot of people use it and yet many feel special for doing so. Both are exceedingly convulooted and I wonder how they came to exist in the first place. They are the instrument of the People, of the Masses, and rarely see action in the big leagues. But anomalies happen.

And last but not least, and I say this with no regard to the relevant meme, the Pyro is like an electric guitar. On the one hand, he’s a n00b class because people don’t play him to credit a team, more so because rock stars get fame and infinite amounts of sex. On the other hand, the electric guitar’s strength allows him to support teammates in ways a demoman can’t. Recently, I played a round on Badlands where I voided the Scouts by having a Pyro guard me. When Pyros try to steal the show, however, they become a nuisance to their own team. A pyro running in front of the soldier/medic combo alerts the enemy to his general direction before the first rocket is even fired. Just this week, I attended a jazz concert where the guitar and the Saxophone both went all-out and failed. Nevertheless, pyros are great uber partners, but he excels so much better in Rock.

And that’s the end of my list. Next time you intend on spamming the latest Bonk remix on your favourite alltalk-less server, play some Jazz instead. Your team will perform better.
(I wish.)

Originally, I was going to have something up here about taking a break from Eve online, which I don’t even play anymore. Time makes fools of us all, I suppose. Sorry for the long wait, and I’ll see what I can do about getting the next chapter to you faster.

Hey, kids! Do you want to know what the heck is going on? Click on my name at the top of the post, and read anything that has the words “Armored Fortress” at the front!

RED Safehouse, Area 2, Dustbowl – February 20, 1968, 12:20 P.M.

The RED Soldier stood at attention in front of the Announcer’s desk.

“…Reason for mission failure?”

“Major distraction and Spy capture, Commander.”

“Do you have anything to say in your defense?”

“No, Commander.”

“Very well. You are hereby sentenced to ninety hours of grunt work and a demotion.”

Soldier sighed. That was it, then.

“Both suspended.”

Or not. Bizarro Murphy’s Law had a way, after all.

“I’m sorry, Commander?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’re in the middle of a war. I can’t afford to take out a star player for something as paltry as negligence. You’re going to go out there and you’re going to kill, God willing. Dismissed.”

____________________________________________

Point 2A, Dustbowl – February 20th, 1968, 12:21 P.M.

The point this time was located on the top of a shack-like building, with slot windows allowing easy passage for any bullets, missiles, lasers, or plasma charges the RED team would want to send BLU’s way.

The pause between the attacks was part of a strategic ceasefire plan put in place by the RED team. It focused all the CPU power of the remaining points on keeping BLU’s progress in check. The BLU point mainframe fought it, of course, but to open those doors required more power than any battlefield held.

Of course, to continue the Counter-SPaMR attack, the RED computers had to stop keeping the doors from opening. So it was sort of a toss-up.

The RED Mainframe released the doors, and games begun.

____________________________________________

Area 2 BLU Resupply Room, Dustbowl – February 20th, 1968, 12:22 P.M.

“Hard-Hat, what’s with the extra gear-up? All I need to do is bash some heads in.”

“Listen, shorty, I’ve got orders from the Announcer. You need to stand still.”

“There any particulars to this particular , uh… particular?”

“Just aim away from the face, and you’ll be fine.”

“Well, what do I call this thing?”

“We’ve codenamed it ’Sandman’.”

____________________________________________

Point 2A, Dustbowl – February 20th, 1968, 12:24:30 P.M.

Here came the restart.

Both teams heard the same voice, possessed by two very different women.

“Mission begins in thirty seconds.”

The RED Medic checked his new armcannon, mounted over his wrist and filled to the brim with newly-developed vampiric flechettes. Those BLUs were good for something, after all.  How they got the energy from the flechettes back to him was officially outside his field, and thus, not his problem.

“Mission begins in twenty seconds.”

The BLU Scout checked the mass of tubing on his right arm. Were those 9-volt batteries stuck in at the elbow? All in all, the rig was evocative of their last technological breakthrough, the pretentiously-named Sigma Cannon.

That one did not end well.

“Mission begins in ten seconds.”

The Pyro stood. And waited. And waited some more.

“Five…”

Waited.

“Four…”

Cracked his knuckles.

“Three…”

Waited.

“Two…”

Clutched his flamethrower.

“One!”

Flipped a thumbs-up to the Medic.

The gates opened and the sirens wailed, but nobody on the BLU team really noticed. They were a bit occupied with the invincible, gold-colored fire-spewing RED Pyro, who was enjoying himself just a bit too much.

____________________________________________

“I! AM! ON! FIRE!”

The BLU advance had been thrown into disarray by the  flames. The RED Pyro was by no means invincible anymore, but the medic behind him and the rather troublesome rest of the RED team meant no one could get near them.

Running away, as he often did, the BLU scout noticed the mass of machinery bolted onto his left arm. Figuring it was now or never, he took aim. the cannon’s innards rumbled, the barrel glowed white, and a large ball of electricity soared through the air. While impressive, the shot had the side effect of knocking the BLU Scout flat on his tin-plated rear end, which meant he missed everything that followed.

First, the Medic and Pyro froze. They were still alive, but the suits completely failed to respond. The RED team, if you’ll pardon the pun, sort of lost their fire at this point. The two taking point both downed by a single weapon? A good cause for retreat.

The BLU Demoman, now devoid of any burning sensations whatsoever, waltzed up to the stunned pair.

“All ye fine dandies…” He took a swig of his alcohol. “Prancin’ about. Not so tough now, is ya! IS YA!”

The Medic said nothing. The Pyro said something. No one was quite sure what.

“Well, then. If yer gonna be like that, I’ll just take mah friends an’ go.”

As the BLU team rushed to the point without him, the BLU Demoman took his time planting each individual STICK bomb around the two REDs’ feet. As he swaggered out the door, he gave a drunken salute and yelled, “Cheers, mates!”

The RED Medic and Pyro reappeared in the SPaMR room half a minute later.

____________________________________________

The BLU Scout looked over all he had wrought, and it was good.

The RED team was retreating to the second point. That was good.

The Announcer had congratulated him on a job well done. That too, was good.

A stray RED grenade had landed between his feet, and was about to explode.

That was not good.

____________________________________________

Point 2B, Dustbowl – February 20th, 1968, 12:58 P.M.

The RED Soldier had little time, but he went at it anyway.

“WHAT was that, you scum-sucking maggots!?”

“Soldier, you really must calm down. Your blood pressure-”

“Is FINE, Professor von Tooth Fairy! If I see another run like that, I’ll…!”

The RED Pyro interrupted the Soldier’s righteous indignation with a mumbling tirade of his own. We’re not sure, exactly, but it’s rather certain that it contained every expletive he knew.

“MY mother is dead and buried! Do not TELL me what happened about my mother!”

The Pyro was in the middle of a retort, when the Announcer interrupted their verbal combat.

“Alert! Our perimeter is being breached!”

All arguements momentarily forgotten, the Soldier and Pyro turned with the rest of the team, weapons facing the doorway.

____________________________________________

Ahh, it’s good to be back. Let me know how this one turned out.

It is with considerable trepidation that I publish the following announcement, issued by the Administrator for the attention of all readers of Ubercharged.net.

For the immediate attention of all employees

Underlings,

You will recall when, eight months ago and against my better instinct, I relaxed the dress code for company employees. More specifically, I removed the ban on non-practical headgear (a rule that certain employees never took with the deadly sincerity it was meant). This was an act of incredible generosity on my part, and I am sure I need not strain my typewriting muscles with the unnecessary addendum that such acts are not in my nature. Bearing this in mind, it is with the utmost disappointment that I must inform you that a number of employees are already abusing their privileges. Privileges that I may revoke at any time.

As your Administrator, I remind you that I am always watching, and it has consequently come to my attention that many of you have begun to wear headwear that can only be described as inappropriate. There appears to be a mistaken assumption in the workplace that hats bestow a certain authority to the wearer, and any such garment, regardless of how idiotic it appears to all sane personnel, is inherently dignified. Let me tell you in no uncertain terms that this assumption is categorically false. I therefore remind you that none of you has any dignity or authority whatsoever and the only reverence you should be showing is to be directed at me, your employer. An employer that needs no absurd headwear to convey their absolute disdain and anger at those of you who continue to busy themselves with ridiculous accessories.

My assistant reliably informs me that the “Hallowe’en Event” of last year was “fun” and “team-building”, terms which do not feature in my vocabulary, although I was assured they were constructive. As part of this event, our supplier issued many of you with antique opera hats, which, although utterly tasteless and dreadful in every way, were apparently “festive”. At the behest of my advisers, who have subsequently found themselves sealed in disused mine shafts, I allowed you to wear them. To my considerable bafflement, an alarming number of you continue to wear these ghastly accoutrements three months down the line. Although my own observations have not noticed a lack of productivity as a direct result of this, be advised that I am hereby cutting leisure time allowances, effective immediately, just to make sure.

In addition, reports from company medical and psychiatric staff have informed me that there is a sickening tide of what they risibly term “hatmania” among the workforce. An increasing number of individuals are concerning themselves with their headgear to an unhealthy extent. As you are, without exception, third-rate pond scum, I do not trouble myself with your many trivial obsessions. Until, that is, they preclude the efficient completion of the jobs you are being paid to complete. I hereby insist that you cease this foolish blathering about hats and helmets and get back to work before I am forced to “motivate” you. I have received reports of employees (now detained for their own protection) crudely fixing makeshift structures of scrap metal to their foreheads and earnestly telling their bemused comrades that it is a fedora. You will not be so fortunate.

Internal Communications have received countless complaints from some of you that my uncharacteristic charity in repealing the ban, and making the headgear catalogue of our esteemed partners at Mann Co. available to you was somehow not enough. “No,” they bawl like disgusting infants. “You have not given me a hat of my own!”

I consider it my duty as Administrator to respond to such grievances personally, and rest assured all those who complained have been transported to the nearest gravel pit and their heads furnished with small metal accessories by my personal security detail.

As for the rest of you, I end this note by reminding you that you are bloodthirsty mercenaries who are only saved from a life of asylums, prison camps and early death by your employers, who expect you to perform your jobs with complete dedication, and have absolutely no requirements to maintain your basic human rights.

Now, get out of my sight

- The Administrator

PS- All employees are reminded that Mann Co Camera Beard technology is to be used only for work-related espionage and not for the impersonation of historical figures. Henceforth anyone in breach of this will be subject to strict disciplinary action.

You have been warned.

Thanks to Tygrys for another brilliant image of horrible, yet entirely deserved, slaughter.